Book Reports / Comradeship in "All quiet on the western front" [3]


I think this is supposed to say "cliches" right?

About the quote: if you cannot tie it in with your thesis it has no place in the paper. The purpose of quoting someone is to help express your complex or unique idea, your main idea for the essay.

One essay = one big idea.

Every paragraph is about a smaller idea to support the main idea.

And the quote especially must be about the main idea of the essay. After giving the quote, give a sentence that tells how it is related to the main idea of the essay.

You should express the main idea of the essay in the last sentence of the first paragraph, and then use that quote in paragraph #2.

In Remarque's depiction of

Hey, this essay has a lot of potential! But in order to satisfy the teacher, I guess you need to write in a more methodical way. Begin every paragraph with a "topic sentence," and use the rest of the paragraph to explain that idea.

:-) good luck! It seems like this teacher has very high standards!

Undergraduate / A Tough Essay Prompt - Pepperdine's mission and community of faith, learning, service [3]

It's all about sharing your plan. Most people do not have a plan, especially college age people. We humans usually have only a vague idea of what we want to do, and that is why we are impressed when we read an essay that tells all about a detailed plan.

If you have a detailed plan with 5-10 big objectives, it should be easy to write an essay about it. Even though maybe your plan will change, your job here is to write well as you expound a particular plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / Jakarta, Indonesia (where you come from) + "tinkering with objects" (talent, quality) [4]

I'll look at this second one first...
I like this first sentence!!
I love to tinker with objects. --- very cool.

... and have striven to break them -----I am not sure if striven is better, but it's what my spellchecker suggests.

I recall when I met a friend for the first time. ----boring sentence... get's the para off to a slow start. I think you could make this sentence much more interesting.

I'll move a comma in this sentence: Eventually, though, I got over that bump in the road and learned English. soon enough . ("Eventually" OR "soon enough," but don't use both.

Let's add the action verb "learned"
I didn't know this at the time, but looking back on it now, that was probably the first lesson I had learned about the fact in learning that for many things in life; y ou have to take charge yourself.

Less is more, here: This also applies to a person's future dreams and aspirations; including my own. So with this in mind, I will continue to assert myself in pursuing my goals and, with a bit of luck too , thrive.

:-)

Scholarship / M.Sc Statement of purpose for chemical engineering (at a reputable ‎university) [8]


I think it is not very specific to say you want to "contribute positively... through technological innovation." That is vague, not specific. And I think the sentence that follows it could be more specific, too, because it is supposed to leave a distinct impression on the reader's mind. However this is very impressive overall. This small criticism is not so important. I wish I had been able to help in time for your deadline, but I think you do not need my help; this essay is written in a way that reflects the complexity of your thinking. I think it's going to be a success!

Undergraduate / Perspective on Journalism and Music: Northwestern Supplement Essay (qualities) [7]

Northwestern's stamina in its rigorous academic schooling, as well as its high stature as a top school, appeal to my constant hunger to learn through the wonderful liberal education Northwestern offers.---oh... actually, this sentence gets a little carried away at the end. Constant and wonderful make my too-many-modifiers alarm buzz in my brain.

End that first paragraph with a sentence that is very interesting. It cannot be a general assertion about a desire to attend. You have to be able to sum up your PLAN in a single sentence at the end of the first paragraph. I think that is the cure for the essay.

but an enchanting experience and opportunity for my future.--- This is really cool.. I like the way the word enchanting adds some definition to the essay.

Tell us about your unique plan. I think the essay should talk more about your specific goals that need to be achieved in order to have the success you envision as a writer and musician. (By the way, a writer is a kind of musician, because meter makes music of both poetry and prose.)

:-)

Writing Feedback / Careers, living costs, jobs - life in a city vs. a countryside [3]

Knowing there will be jobs open, having an idea of the cost of living, in one of the both and being able to further one's education is somethin g are some things that need to be looked into before making a commitment to one or the other.

I think you should add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and it should be a sentence that gives the reader the main idea of the whole essay. Can the main idea be summed up in a sentence?

:-)

Do not forget the apostrophe:
Furthering one's education is ...

Choosing to live in a small country town or a big city cost different amounts of money. It all depends on ones income or what they are willing to pay.

Undergraduate / "care & compassion for people" -CommonApp: Significant experience/ Topic of my choice [7]


You are funny...

The trains in Tokyo were, and still are, a nightmare.

I secretly liked it although I was constantly worried about loosing my brothers. ----- this is a very cool sentence. Make it this way, though: losing loosing

which I'd share out of pity with my other two brothers. ---- you have a great writing style.

Thinking back to that time, that week was when I first had a glimpse of hardship that I enjoyed. I did not realise back then, but I was brimming with care and compassion for people.

Health sciences and social work... a great combination. You should indeed mention this when you talk about wanting to open up a clinic.

I think it would be great to use both of these quotes in one sentence:

"A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives," according to Jackie Robinson, and Einstein said, "Only a life lived for others is worth living," so I feel good about my decision to...

Poetry / Monologue intro on a love poem - a girl leaving a guy because he treated her bad. [9]

I can't improve this! It's excellent. I hear it playing as a song with a fast base line but lyrics sung slowly.

Play it in the key of A minor!

:-)

Undergraduate / "producing and editing videos, Yearbook club" -which specific program essay For UPENN [2]

This should be capitalized if it is the name of the school: Technology High School, is this really the name of the school? Interesting...

This is a bit confusing this way:
While making the video, I discovered that I had found passion for something in life which was producing.

We can just use a colon:
While making the video, I discovered that I had found passion for something in life: video production.

I would rather major in biology because I enjoy every form of science. ---I don't like this sentence. If you love every form of science, why choose bio over physics or something else? Maybe you can reword this sentence.

It would be great if you talked about making films and videos about biology topics! You can make biology documentaries.

Graduate / "solar technology in Pakistan" - SOP for MS in electrical engineering [7]


Well, the essay is your piece of art. With a painting, you would include some details and leave some out all depending on the experience you want to make for the reader.

I like the way you covered those activities, in the 2nd to last paragraph about being production editor, for example... the best way to do it is probably to mention those things as examples of experiences that led you to make your plan, your PURPOSE. It is all about discussing them in the context of explaining your purpose (i.e. your plan for the near future.)

Grammar, Usage / I wish I didn't say that. I wish I hadn't said that. [5]

This is a confusing discussion!

Yesterday, I wished I had not said the things I said last week.
Today, I wish I did not say what I said yesterday.
Today, I wish I had not said what I said yesterday.

You know, I am not sure! It seems like it should be this way:
I wish I did not say that.

But if I was speaking I would say:
I wish I hadn't said that.
That is what I think is best, but I am not sure!

Dissertations / Need help in selecting a Ph.D. topic in Human Research Management [4]

It sounds like a great combination of skills. You are going to have a great career!

The way to find out what your topic should be is to study research methods (Google for books by John Cresswell) and then read several articles about aspects of HR that interest you. Most articles will have a "review of literature," and each review of literature will tell you about several studies that have been done in the area that interests you. You have to figure out your topic by reading many literature reviews, and when you have enough knowledge of research methods it will be easy for you to design a research study that answers important questions or solves a problem.

It is just like joining a conversation that is taking place. Work to understand the subject being discussed, and then add something meaningful to the ongoing discussion.

Writing Feedback / What in our life does have more relevance: the experience or some characteristics we are born with? [4]

It is --- this is present tense
recently argued --- this is past tense.
It is better to keep it consistent.
You can do this:
It is often argued that experiences that we may have in our lives do not have more relevance than the characteristics we are born with.

Our personality is the result of them, and moreover we have to consider that we carry on to change with the passing of the time.

Here are some places where you need a period to end a sentence before starting a new one:
In my opinion, the major influence is the experiences we have during our life. Pointedly enj oying good health is natural gift but overall the experiences are more important.

Furthermore, I tend to think that a great talent or a great ability is innate. This means that it depends on our characterist ics, for example the talent of great musicians.

:-)

Undergraduate / Renovating a dilapidated house- Common App SA [4]

I, along with a A group of my fellow Youth Corps members and I decided to repair ...-----I like it this way.. more direct.

dilapidating ---change this to dilapidated

Then suddenly I heard a muffled shout, "What do you want!?" "We are leaving", I replied. No response. Not one "thank-you."

---- You need to add a sentence after this. Add a sentence to acknowledge that she may have had a hearing impairment or may have been suffering from depression... or say anything, really, so that the reader knows that you have compassion for her.

:-)

I think it definitely does answer the prompt.

Undergraduate / Describe your environment, "Buffy the vampire slayer" [4]

Hi Yvonne, sorry! I have been struggling lately to keep up with all the essays.

:-)

decade-long

tradition of "Sisterhood of Media Hunting" and introduced me with the concept of "countries": other places beyond borders

I asked many questions trying to understand what she meant by saying "Not Turkey". ----- this partis very interesting to me as a reader.

With the limitations of my country i became more determined in pursuit of my ambitions. Now I know what being a Turk is,its my perspective, its my difference, it's a faith I would never change.--- This is just a small correction. The essay is great!

Undergraduate / "Fatty Fadi (laugh now:)" - Stanford University: Letter to Roommate [5]


Well what about that very funny introduction? The whole essay has a great style.


haha is this a pizza-related pun?


This is great because it expresses your contemplative nature but also stays humble by saying you might not make sense.

The ending is boring, though.
It would be good to mention your tentative career plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / Optional Essay-Talking about my personality, interests, etc. [6]

Less is more, sometimes:
... and discovered my passion for working with computers.

I loved looking for bugs in the code, correcting them, and running the program. --- this is a great sentence.

If the bishop could move vertically, and the rook could move diagonally (instead of vice versa as in normal chess), so many new possibilities would arise!---- that's why the queen is so cool.

You know what this essay needs? A philosophical link between chess, comp sci, and neuroscience. What is the common thread among them?

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Questions in essays: should be followed by a question mark or a period? [4]


This is a run on sentence. It is a particular kind of run on sentence called a "comma splice."
It is not a bad mistake, but it is not quite right.

option 1
What would I do without her? Would my life be the same?

option 2
What would I do without her; would my life be the same?

:-)

Undergraduate / "I know I meet Stanford's standards": What Makes Stanford a Good Place for You? [5]


Confidence is good, but if the whole first paragraph is all about your confidence it might be too much. Remember that people like to see us get a reality check when we seem too sure of ourselves. It will be better to just mention very briefly the fact that you feel confident about your ability to succeed. Meeting their criteria is not the same as actually being motivated enough about your chosen field to succeed in college. This essay should probably include a little more about why stanford is good for you in light of your plan for the future... it might be the best school for you as you enter a particular field.

:-)

Undergraduate / Dantes inferno Bball Court -- WHY STANFORD [8]

... from a week long of classes. I do not want ...have finally realizes realized what is special about Stanford: its people.

Above, I changed your semi-colon into a colon.

I don't really understand the part about the court. Do you mean that the entire court was covered with books, or that the court was mentioned in the book... I am confused!

I also think it is important to talk a little about how Stanford will help you to achieve your specific goals for the next few years... perhaps related to the kind of work you are going to do.

:-)

Undergraduate / "an excellent medical program and student body" - Personal Statement-UIC [3]

It is not good to say
When I was a little girl, I remember ...----it is a grammatical confusion.
Just do this:
When I was a little girl I remember being asked, at the age of nine, what I wanted to be when I got older.

My main goal in life is to help others and make them smile. ----- This is excellent, and your whole essay conveys a great attitude, but it is superficial instead of deep. You are missing an opportunity to prove to them that you are already reading articles that adults in this profession would read. You can show that you are ahead of the game if you cite a recent book or article, and talk about the specializations that interest you.

I know I still have a lot of learning and hard work to do. I believe that I can achieve those goals and with the help of a good university, I will learn the skills that will make others smile and show them happiness. Instead of saying general things like this, explain your specific plan with several specific goals that you will achieve using this school's resources and programs. It will be great if you cite an article by a professor from the school!

:-)

Undergraduate / "A childhood experience in Bolivia" UF essay [3]


It's good to avoid this cliche... can you find a unique way to express the same idea? That will help capture the reader's attention.

, and now I am constantly challenging myself to work hard. Because of their constant----Maybe it will be better to find a word other than constant so taht you don't repeat it twice awkwardly.

... support, I strive myself to work hard, be successful and achieve my goals in life, creating a balance in my dedication in to academics and helping others.

:-)

Undergraduate / Chinese background mixed with America and a hint of passion for dance [7]


I think the key might be to write about what it means for something to be a form of art and what you know about orthodontics that makes it possible to call it an art. Cite some professional journal articles or books!

:-)

Undergraduate / "I'm curious and friendly - My personality" - College short answer [6]


You can help people. This is like a study group for people trying to improve their English, whether they are native speakers or not. You don't have to make corrections; all you have to do is tell people about the impression the essay made on you.

You can help in ways I cannot help, because I am not bilingual. Being bilingual gives you extra insight into the way to help an essayist. It is not a weakness; it is a strength!

If to talk about my favorite Don't mention sports activities, because that is not what the essay is about. Let every sentence give the reader a new experience, and let the experiences be all about your main idea.

Do this:
Since, ----> I have been...
Since a secondary school, I have been interested in computer programming.

This is so exciting! -----Very good writing. It is good to transmit an emotion like this.

Here,you put 2 sentences together and it is a run on sentence:
And I do not want to stop on the school's knowledge. Th at's why my program must be based

Actually, I'm not so proud of any of mine my personality attributes because all they together it's simply me, but I can mark out some of them.

Don't use "mine" this way:
I want to mark out one more of mine personality attribute...

And instead of mark out you can use the word explain:
I want to explain one more of my personality attributes that is important to me.

:-)

Undergraduate / Biology: struggling getting a hook for my academic interests/profession goal paper [3]


This has no substance... just obvious and inconsequential stuff. The way to make it unique is to give the reader a glimpse of the view you have with YOUR particular perspective on biology. What are you going to do for work? What have you done already? What kinds of creative self-expression do you use? Are you a biologist-artist, a biologist-spiritual person, a biologist-entrepreneur, or a biologist-healer? What is your unique combination?

:-)

Research Papers / Autism: (financial hardships, effects on siblings and parents)- technical report help [3]

Autism is not a simple developmental disorder that can be cured with medications or a few trips to the psychiatrist. It is a serious disorder that affects people differently and because an autistic child has leaning learning disabilities it is

Mothers in particular now find that they are exhausted all the time and found find it hard to function well throughout the day.

One mother commented that she loved to sing to her children but had to stop because her son would scream and go into fits. ----maybe her singing voice is what is causing the problem! :-)

This is a run on sentence, but I think you can figure out how to fix it! ----->Another family always takes two vehicles, that way when they start to see a behavior that indicates that he or she is breaking down one parent can leave.

Autism affects the families enormously. ----This sentence is too simple and obvious to have a place at the start of the conclusion paragraph. Make every paragraph worth reading. Change this sentence to something more meaningful and fascinating. :-)

It is important for mothers and father s to have places in the community with trained workers where the kids could go play and be accepted. Autism is a life long disorder and because of this, there should be more help available and treatments that are more affordable for families.

Book Reports / Reaping the Reward of the White Man's Burden - Things Fall Apart essay [2]


The purpose of an essay is to give enough explanation and examples so that a person can understand a point you want to make. If your point is simple, you can make it in a sentence, but if it requires more explanation you have to write a paragraph. And if you really need to give a deep discussion of some idea, you can express it in an intro paragraph and follow it up with several paragraphs, each of which has a clear topic sentence that supports the main idea.

One essay = one big idea.

And if you think the points you make require elaboration, you should try to do it. :-)


This really makes it sound like YOU think of the natives as savages and... at the end, "a way to fix them that entitled them..." does not really make sense. You might want to reword this part.

Your essay has great structure. The biggest concern I have is that you don't explain clearly what the White Man's Burden is, and even worse is the fact that you are writing about it in a way that makes it sound like you are validating it. You should explain the cultural egoism that is involved. Is cultural egoism the right term? You should write these sentences in a way that shows the folly of this way of thinking.

And yeah, the title is iffy. The title is a good opportunity to refer to the "burden" in a way that shows that you understand the moral of the story, the lesson to be learned.

Undergraduate / "lived to save her and to save myself" - where you come from, UC personal [6]

I just knew at that very moment my complaints had to cease from then on. I simply made a decision that I will would never again...

No, I did not improve my grades at school or involve myself in extracurricular activities.
The end is not really corny. A lot of people do not believe in tomorrow, and this can be inspirational for them. It might be good to add an unexpected sentence at the end, though.. a sentence about what, specifically, you want to do, and maybe you should even add one more sentence to list 3-5 short term goals. Listing specific goals in an essay is like adding nuts to a candy bar.

:-)

Research Papers / Argumentative Research paper on sportsmanship - ideas and advice [5]


Read your articles. Keep this question in mind. As you read, look for insightful ideas that help to answer this question.

When you come to a good insight from a writer, write a sentence about it (topic sentence). Add an example and some explanation, and the sentence will grow into a paragraph.

Use one paragraph for each idea, and the paragraph should start with a topic sentence.

After you write paragraphs about ideas from 3 or 4 different articles, you will see a THEME starting to develop. That will be the time to write your thesis. Make an interesting observation, and express an opinion that some people might not agree with.

If you try to write about respect, team play, responsibilities, you will be sending yourself on a scavenger hunt for articles that discuss these three. It is better to find some cool articles, and then write paragraphs about them until you discover your thesis.

:-)

Undergraduate / If TUFTS was a book - Why Tufts essay [5]

You need a comma:
If Tufts was a book, The New York Times would say, "Galvanizing ...

And change this comma into a period inside the " mark: ...People and changing lives -- academic yet equally alive." The Guardian will would praise it by ...

Capitalize that last mention of Tufts. Also, it would be good to throw in a comment about this girl's intentions for her professional field as she attends the school

:-)

Undergraduate / ''where is my always working grampa?'' - Admission essay for TAMU topic A [4]

Capitalization:
''Where is Grampa?'' That was the first thing I said going into his house, and the answer would always be the same: ''He is working."

This is a run on sentence, so it needs a period after the word "work."
I couldn't understand why he was always working, what could be so great about work, to be honest if back then I had a say in whether I went to school or not this essay wouldn't be written.

Every time you quote people, capitalize their first word:
...told us, ''What is wrong with this kid?" ----I added a comma and a question mark for you, too.

:-)

Undergraduate / "an elderly Alzheimer's patient"- one of your extracurricular activities (common app) [3]

I don't think think the word elderly is necessary in that first sentence, since Alzheimer's and nursing home both suggest it. One way to write well is to make sure you only tell the reader as much as s/he needs to know and no more. Let the reader figure some of it out.

... it's a very rare and joyful experience just to go outside for five minutes. ---- that's terrible! It seems that if a facility is worth paying for it will hire enough employees to make it possible for residents to be outside when they want to be.

This was the moment that I realized that my true talent was in serving others because it made me feel good about myself,----- well, anyone would feel good when thanked.

... and I believe that in giving, you also receive.--- This is a cliche, and it is not worthy of a spot in your essay. It is important to leave the reader with a new idea, something original and intriguing.

:-)

Graduate / Stepping Out - Peace Corps, Essay 2 [4]

This one must be tough for people who do not have many multicultural experiences...

Two plane rides, one shuttle ride, two bus transfers, and 24 hours later I had arrived in my new town: Apt, France - a small town, surrounded by even smaller villages, with no train station and a limited bus schedule. ---interesting start, but it is so strange to begin with this sentence about something happening later. As your attorney I advise you to add a sentence at the BEGINNING to precede this, but your challenge is to make it a sentence of no more than seven words, and no commas! That is your challenge.

Through the 8 eight months, I still made grammatical blunders -----another excellent term. I am learning some cool things from you, like grammatical blunder and "fancily-titled job."

This is wicked impressive. Proceed with confidence! It is pretty impressive that you did this Europe trip and now you are doing the Peace Corps.

Graduate / "- A life of living, not earning" - Peace Corps , Essay 1 [3]

Hi Mia, I saw you give some great feedback to other people, so I'll try to give great feedback to you. Sorry it took so long to get a response! :-)

Nice use of the term "fancily-titled"

I'll take ot a comma here: This continued during graduate school, when I took on an internship at a prestigious international organization with the aspiration of building my résumé and a network of contacts.----You should only have a line over the e at the end of resume.

I think this will be challenging because I will be going somewhere with a set objective and assignment, as well as a fixed time, and during this time I will want to effectively accomplish things and fully contribute to the development of the community. ----this sentence is very wordy, but it does not say a whole lot. Oh.. I see what you mean! It will be hard to stay focused on the specific objective instead of attending to various needs you see in the community. Well... I think you can write this sentence more clearly and with fewer words! Also, it might be nice to add another reason it will be difficult, one associated with one of your own weaknesses that you can acknowledge, and then balance it with mention of some aspect of the work that will be easy due to a strength you have.

I will overcome this challenge by being flexible and open to learning and willing to engage with individuals with backgrounds different from my own.----well, this part about tolerating differences and harmonizing, etc., seems different from the idea expressed above it.

This is impressive, and it will be well received for sure, but if you want to make it better you can refer specifically to efforts being made right now through the Peace Corps and show that you have been using your research skills to find out about current events in the organization -- events into which you're about to leap.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I love argyle." - Stanford Roommate Letter [7]

I don't know where it is bigoted either, but it might just be that Song Wei has a misconception about what bigoted means. By the way, I think Song Wei is the prettiest name I have ever heard!

About the argyle, I had to look at it on wikipedia because I didn't really know what it was. That is just me, though -- I am clueless. This essay is funny and cool, but it will be even better if you manage to give a little mention to what is really going on here with this essay: convincing the AO reader that you are serious about and prepared for your chosen career. How about mentioning a little more about things that reflect your well-conceived plan?

:-)

Also, I like it this way:
I swear, to you, ...

Graduate / "the differences of the economics" - master of finance, interest in the program [4]


You have some excellent sentences. You are good with numbers, I assume, but I also see that you are a great writer!

Miajones, thanks for the great work I have seen from you at EssayForum lately!

Chan, this is a strong essay, but I wish you would give 3x as many sentences to discussing your future career goals. It is not enough to simply say the profession you want to be in. I think you should list 3-5 short term goals associated with the field, cite some articles, and mention some current events in your field. Tell about what you think of what is going on in the field.

:-)

Undergraduate / "in the hospital with my brother" - The day that changed my life [7]

apostrophe:
... and run to my parents' room.

Watch out for this kind of sentence:
I soon realized I wanted to help others who were in similar situations as my brother.---You can tell it is not quite right, but how can it be fixed? ... were in situations similar to that of my ...

:-)

Below, I'll cut some unimportant words and add an s to "job."
While being in the hospital with my brother, I have watched nurses, doctors and specialists do their jobs . ----Writing always gets better when you cut out all the unnecessary words, just like weeding a garden. Try to find some other unimportant words to cut, and the essay will be more powerful.

** It is a good idea to google for "nursing philosophy." Also, google this: nursing empathy transcultural research based philosophy

Undergraduate / "while appreciating my brother's help" - common app essay [7]

Sometimes, the curiosity kills the cat.
It was all happening at some ...

Although feeling scared, I take a deep ...

I was not regretted feeling regretful about what I did.

Although this experience might sound silly for nobody but----- this needs to be revised, and I don't know how to fix it! :-)

Undergraduate / "Baby Sofia and Mexico" - How can I make my Personal Statement stronger? [4]


Let's not be using this term "dropout," because it has negative connotations. They did not drop out if they were attending a school that failed to teach them effectively. The school may have dropped out.


Nice detail.. you really draw me into the scene.

They were out grocery-shopping, and weren't going to get home until later at night. I put baby Sofia down and let her free in her baby walker as I walked-----right here, you switch to past tense, but you have been writing in present tense.

You did not express much about your intentions for the future! How are you going to achieve this success? What have you learned about various careers that are in demand?

Undergraduate / "Art provides self-impression" - Common app short answer [8]

I hope it is. If the AO reader is stuck in an are prior to the 1992 initiation of societies' Internet experiences, s/he may not be able to appreciate it as much as a discussion of one of the classics. But really... it should be okay.

Do a good, inspired job. Also, you might want to spend some time talking about the various artists represented.
Is the website really a creative work, or just a simple forum?