Writing Feedback / Happiness is very important in life; 'culture, age group, surrounding area' [2]


... the right word is "nowadays" ... However, "happiness" played and would play a very important role in everybody's life irrespective of era they live.

It plays/ they play ..."Happiness" should be treated as singular.



It is very difficult to provide an exact definition for happiness because it varies from person to person and different people perceive happiness differently.


Culture, age, environment and religion are some of the factors that influence how one perceives happiness.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;Should we let children manage money to make them financially responsible adults [4]


.... Actually your prompt means something little different from what you state here. Your prompt talks of " children managing money". It does not mean they earn money. It means they are allowed to handle money on their own. In other words they are given the liberty to possess money and sped it for their needs. Of course children can earn that money or can get it as a grant from their parents. Whatever it is, the main focus here should be "handling or managing money" . I have seen another topic on children earning money too. But this one is different.

Your structure has improved a lot. But, pay more attention to understanding your prompt because it is the key for your success.

Graduate / international working environment; Motivation letter /Nuclear Engineering-PHD [5]

Well, I think you need to polish this a bit more. Following link has some sample letters of motivation. Hope this would be helpful for you.

Generally, the letter of motivation talks in detail about the candidate's professional goals; both long term and short term. I think you better include them here. Also tell them why you think that you are the right person for this program.

Graduate / I will exceed your expectations; Master in communications, personal statement [5]

Well... I dont say it is bad but I think you should have focused more on;


I have a feeling that many things you have said here, for example your experience and qualifications, would have been told in the other sections of the application. Haven't they? So, my personal feeling is that you should tell them more about you as a person. Of course you can include your credentials and achievements, but even through them you need to display your character more strongly.

Scholarship / I know I'm not perfect! ; NTU Scholarship - My Values and Beliefs [2]


Therefore I would love to consult opinion of my elders, friends and seniors who have a better exposure than me in the world of business.


... this is not clear to the reader... the word "means" fails to give the impression that you need to convey.


I remember informing my teacher about the marks she had added to my score by error when I was in my 10th grade although those additional points meant lot for my overall position in the class.

Writing Feedback / We look for the help by borrowing money from their friends to overcome the difficulties [7]


Well.... this is what I suggest;
People need to borrow money from someone during their hard times. Generally they tend to approach a close person, especially a friend, in such events. However, there is a concern that whether they should borrow money from friends because this can sometimes lead to straining their relationship. In my personal view, I too believe that we should avoid borrowing money from friends for several reasons;

Graduate / A person is privileged to have been born healthy; PTCAS (Physical Therapy) [5]


... I think you better start your essay with this line. Then tell how you were introduced to physical therapy and so on.



... hey.... this sounds a bit arrogant :D
....This is what I suggest;
However, I never want to give in for the word "impossible" and want to do everything possible for her to recover.


This new hope nurtured my interest in "Physical Therapy" and I gradually developed a passion for this field.

Graduate / My country still needs more capable people in this field; SOP of MSc Public health [4]


Yes... Chess has a point... There are many errors in this essay and we can certainly help you if you post your prompt here. Without the prompt we cannot provide you with more relevant comments.


.... Also I feel these lines may act negatively for your case, because they would look for students who have a vision and these sound contradictory. Post your prompt and tell us what you wish to have in this essay, so that we can help you improve its presentation. :)

Writing Feedback / Disadventages of the Internet ; 45 minute Essay [8]


The Internet is an integral part of the lives of modern people.


However, it has many disadvantages too.


.... Well, I think there are many more threats that Internet can have on human society such as addiction, promoting pornography, distancing physical human interactions etc.

Writing Feedback / Creation of Rubbish; The main Causes and Measures [2]


As we know thousands of tons of rubbish is created by humans on daily basis.


....it is already a serious problem... I think you better change its presentation a little;
Many environmental experts have warned about the danger of this issue that can cause irreversible damages to our environment that in turn would threaten our own existence on earth.


...good sentence

Writing Feedback / Sports professionals Vs Other important Professionals; Who should earn more? [4]

Hi Mahdavian,
First of all, as per the forum rules you need to provide a meaningful title for your essay. Also, this type of posts you need to post under "Writing Feedback" category. Please follow these rules with your next post!


..."variety of jobs" or "various jobs"


.... you tend to complicate this simple idea with too many words giving a bit crowded look to your sentence. What you should be more concerned about it clarity and presentation of the sentence;

The earnings of popular sports professionals are much greater than many professionals in other important fields.

Writing Feedback / For me meeting Lionel Messi is preferable than to come across other athletes [4]


That's correct.... you have to speak about this person more, but you need to relate all that to yourself as to show them why would choose him out of the bunch. That part seems to be missing in this writing. Had you said that Football is a major part of your life and you and you watch every match that Messy plays, then there is a link. Then you can tell why Messy's so special to you. Then your writing would be more interesting to the reader than just knowing facts of this person's life. :)

Writing Feedback / For me meeting Lionel Messi is preferable than to come across other athletes [4]



Messi is genius, very creative and hardworking that earned him many awards such as the World's best football player title, " the Gold Ball", " the Golden Shoe" and many other merits.


It seems to me that meeting Lionel Messi would be a dream coming true.

I wish you have talked a little more about your own passion for football and the how you got attracted to the style of Messi playing. You only talk about his cleverness and riches. But, only little is said about why you think he's so important.

Writing Feedback / Education about diet is an essential feature of a country's health- care program [5]


Health care programs are an integral part of the efforts that are aimed at improving public health and preventing diseases and injuries.


Therefore I believe it is reasonable to assume that...


people have less time and resources to take care of their diet in contrast to previous generations.


.... you need to improve its presentation.... idea is not very clear :(
Therefore it is obvious that the quality of food that people consume today is deteriorating day by day.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Whether convenience foods can take place of traditional foods? [5]


... This is a confusing sentence... What do you mean by " wish to have one more hour to spend every day" ?


In this scenario, some people argue that convenience foods, which are either precooked or can be cooked easily , are a more efficient solution that help manage modern busy life-style.


.... this is again sounds confusing.... your sentences should clearly convey your message or idea and therefore pay more attention to the clarity of your sentences.

Undergraduate / I believe in people, society and their culture; University of Colorado Boulder [3]


.... I think this is the point you should have had for your opening line. Then you can come to the features of the uni.


So, I possess rich experiences of living with people of diverse cultural backgrounds.


... I think you are repeating the same idea... you can do away with this line.



Because of this reason, my family background too gave me enormous opportunities to interact with many people of different social classes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2; Will fast foods be more prevalent and eventually replace traditional methods [3]


Excellent introduction - very well presented :)


... hmmmmmm... is "concern" the right word here???? Is this what you mean;
People today rely on fast foods due the fact that fast foods offer an efficient solution to their busy life-styles.


... well ... your topic is about whether fast foods would eventually replace traditional dishes. Your opinion is that it wont happen. So, you need to align this para with your topic and opinion. I find it is deviated from that.

Writing Feedback / An "image" to introduce Vietnam to a foreign friend - UWCs Vietnam 2013 [3]



In his opinion, writing a good song only requires one's love, passion and born talent for music.


Trinh wrote 600 songs during his lifetime, a great contribution to Vietnamese music.


....this line needs to be re-phrased... it's not very clear what you are trying to convey :(

Writing Feedback / We are rational individuals and our lives should be driven rather by reason than immediate instincts [8]


Is it? Well.... I did TOEFL and this task is very very similar and even most of the essay topics are the same for both exams. However, the guides I referred to recommended to state the opinion in the introduction saying that it would help you to take the examiner in your desired direction. I did that way and got a flying score. That's why I advise others to follow that structure. Also, since you need to manage your time well for these tasks, I'd suggest you to stick to one particular structure when you practice. That would help you a lot at the exam.

Undergraduate / "I find truth in those wise words of Napoleon"; SOP Civil Engineering in Australia [5]


...and I strongly believe in these words.


I think you better improve the presentation of this idea.... This line is a bit too long and not properly organized. Better break it up to two sentences.


... this again is pretty too long.... That disturbs your flow and presentation; also, the reader need to keep memorizing things. And the part I highlighted, I feel you are repeating that idea a bit too much. Similar things were said in your earlier paras too.

Writing Feedback / I love and admire my parents ; Essay on MYSELF [11]

You are welcome :)


In 1999, we moved to Ulaanbaatar city, the capital of Mongolia where I completed my high school and later joined Enkh-Orchlon Institute. After that I decided to study abroad and had myself enrolled with Chonnam National University in the Korean language program.

I am very keen on studying because I believe that knowledge is the most powerful tool available for a man.


Mathematics, world history, philosophy and foreign languages are my favorite subjects. Especially I have a great passion in learning foreign languages such as English, Korean, Japanese and Chinese. During my leisure time, I enjoy reading history books.

Writing Feedback / The idea of replacing the old building is not acceptable [3]


The rapid technological advancement and development have influenced and demanded for cities to look differently from what they were.


... better specify why they need to be shifted from old to contemporary architecture. Also better keep it in plural.



Well... I feel you better organize your ideas in the introduction. Your are ideas are good, but looks like they have a problem with the flow

Writing Feedback / It is important for travellers and business people to understand the cultures [3]


There is no doubt that a knowledge on language or culture of the place one wish to visit would have more benefits.
In your introduction, you don't make any effort to introduce your topic. Instead you express opinion straight and then say you would come up with reasons in the body paras. However, it is always better to introduce the topic and then state your opinion.


The obvious reason is that your prior knowledge of a foreign land would help you avoid violating local taboos and understand the people and their culture better.

In your body paras, you need not give two or three specific examples. One is more than enough, but you better expand on it a little more. Since these tasks have a major bearing on time, you better practice following one specific structure. That would certainly help you at the exam :)

Writing Feedback / Thanks to the Internet, the word "friendship" has a much broader meaning now. [2]


Internet has become almost an integral part of our lives.


Day by day, our dependence on this communication technology grows intensely.


.... This is very good and those are just my suggestions :)



it might also create an environment that people would be distanced from physical interactions with others while becoming severely dependent on devices for every emotional need.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;Teachers should avoid expressing their political and social views in classrooms [4]

.... this looks fine to me; you introduce the topic and express your opinon... that's what they expect with the introduction :)


... I introduced some changes... Good sentence :)


In addition, in my view, his social or political views would not have any bearing on improving the quality of teaching.
At this point you should give a more specific example.


.... this line looks more or less like another reason and not a specific example. You can turn that into a specific example;
For example, suppose a teacher expresses his political views in the classroom. There can be a student who holds different political views and may try to defend his views by arguing with the teacher. This might ends up in very unpleasant situation straining the relationship with the teacher and the student. ...now it looks more speicific :)

You write well and wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / I love and admire my parents ; Essay on MYSELF [11]


... It's good if you said something about your dad and mom such as some of their qualities in order to introduce their characters better. This is what I suggest;

My name is Enkhsuren Tsevegsuren and I was born on the 7th May 1994 in Dashinchileng of Bulgan aimak where I spent my childhood with my family until I was six years old. I still have many fond memories of this place. I come from a very close knit family. My father, Tsevegsuren is now forty three years old while my mother, Enkhtuya is forty four. I have three younger siblings who are still studying.

Writing Feedback / We are rational individuals and our lives should be driven rather by reason than immediate instincts [8]

Very good introduction. I only wish if you had expressed your opinion there. Then you can navigate your examiner in that direction.
You have excellent writing skills. However, your body paras, especially the first one, do not contain specific examples (they need to be specific and not general). That's a mandatory feature of the essays of this task and they expect that. So without having specific examples you may loose marks.

Overall, a very clever essay and if you pay little more attention to your essay structure, you'll certainly get a real good score on this.

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / I was granted a scholarship for Eur 2000; My glion application [4]


I believe in a value system that respects others, possesses good work ethics and positive behaviors. As an ardent believer in Karma which means that one's good or bad acts would results in good or bad effects on him, I believe if I treat others well, I too would be treated well by others.This is why I think I deserve to be a student in a university like Glion


Since young age, I have been fascinated by the hospitality industry.

Writing Feedback / Saving the endangered plant of Torreya; Intergrated Writing/ TOEFL [4]


.... better say;
In the reading passage, ... You may start all integrated writing tasks with this phrase... that would help you manage time. I'd suggest you to stick to one pattern during your practice tests, and follow the same at the exam. That would really help you manage time at the exam.


However, the professor challenges this idea by citing examples.
I think you've done the necessary thing in the intro. You have briefly tole what the reading passage is about and then how the listening part responds to it. That's what they expect in the intro.

Then you can move on body paras, and talk about each point in detail.


.... good
I think you have a good idea about its structure. Good Luck!

Research Papers / Diets impacting on American's quality of life ; Reseach Paper Draft [3]


Nowadays, overweight is an alarming health issue with the lives of many American people.



According to a CQ researcher article by Mantel, over the past fourty years, 2/3 of adults and 1/3 of children have been either overweight or obese in the US.


Obviously, overweight is a bomb that shortens the lives of American nationals because it is linked with many diseases such as heart attacks, cancers, stroke, gallbladder issues, osteoarthritis, sleep apnea, respiratory problems etc.

Writing Feedback / The impact of overpopulation; Pros & Cons [4]

What is the purpose of this writing? A term paper? or for IELTS/TOEFL?
Whatever it is, it looks so short as an essay.


... this is not something that reader would be interested to read :( It does not tell any new idea to the reader. Everyone knows it has both pros and cons.


The reason is the land for cultivation would not be sufficient to produce food that would feed everybody.



This is my suggestion;
Overpopulation benefits the society with more skilled and talented work force and labor.

Scholarship / I can do justice to the field ; Why I deserve Zion International Graduate Award [3]


.... I feel this is not so strong as your opening paragraph, especially the ideas... I don't see much value addition in that :(


.... I feel this gives a better start ... :)



... I don't get you idea here :(


....
This deprived me of the final installment of the scholarship funds.
You write well :)

Undergraduate / It was in grade eleven I decided to pursue a career in accountancy ; U Waterloo AFMAA [4]


....I feel this sentence is a bit too long and it reduces its effect. Also your idea seems getting repeated. This is what I suggest;

When I was young, I dreamed of becoming a doctor as I thought it would be the best way to devote my life to help other people.


[i]However, in the high school I found a new avenue of helping people although it is very different from the way the doctors do. It was the world of business in that, in my eyes, I see an ample opportunities to serve people to better their lives.[/i]

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children should learn foreign language at primary school; 'hard to focus' [3]


.... I think this is too much of a generalizaion. In my view, this is not a common issue in the society, but an argument only.

I feel you better pay attention to your essay structure. Introduce your topic theme to the reader and then state your opinion. That's what you need to do in the introduction.


... This needs to go to your introduction.


....this is grammatically incorrect;
First, a younger child is faster in learning compared to a grown up.

Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]


gone for 6 :P

Writing Feedback / Older people think the world was a better place when they were young. [10]



.... I guess it's a typo
This situation strains family bonds and relationships.
Well.... I see Chess has suggested very good points. I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If that is the case, I strongly advise you to stick to one reason per body para and support that reason with a specific example. These exams have a major bearing on time and one reason with one specific example is the best way to handle it. :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]


:D
That's testing by EF_Team during site upgrade. He also deleted my other thread about national leadership by mistake. :(

Scholarship / My values and beliefs and how I demonstrate them through my actions [2]


.... impressive start :)


I believe in planning ahead and being prepared to be proactive.


.... even if you don't like, the life is full of uncertainties.... so here you better specifically say that you don't like failing due to uncertain situations and therefore you need to prepare yourself to face such situations with confident. That way you can continue your walk towards success. For that you certainly need planning!

Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]


... the right word is "oppose"


... this is unnecessary.... Start reasoning in your body paragraphs and that's enough
I see you have a very good sense about the essay structure. As chessman suggests read good essays of others too... More importantly read the comments provided for them. You can pick points, sentence structures and many hints by reading others' essays. :)

Hey chess - that my one and only one thread ;) .... Well I did TOEFL in 2010 and that's how I got acquainted with the Essay Forum :D

Essays / Essay about Gym - Need ideas for writing this essay [3]


Well... introduce what gym is in your introduction. You can talk about the purpose of a gym, its physical structure, the staff etc.
Then go on expanding each of these ideas in your body paragraphs. You can collect lots of material from internet if you google and search. Finally write your conclusion by summing up what you said before and giving your overall idea about the gym.

Do your first draft and post it here; we'll help you improve it :)