Posts by dumi - page 109

dumi

Mar 16, 2013

Undergraduate / "We are going to America"; Quest Bridge C/ Significant Achievement [3]

I lived in a small village in Vietnam until the age of nine when my mom with her eyes shimmering with hope told me, "We are going to America."

I was born and raised in a small village in Vietnam. When I was nine, my mom one day told me "We are going to America" and I still remember how her eyes gleamed with hope.

After my dad passed away two years earlier, we both needed to start anew. I've never been outside of my little hometown in Vietnam, let alone a new country. On my departure date, my grandmother held my hands while trying to keep her tears back told me I was her only hope for my dad's legacy to live on.

Yes, we both were awaiting for a new life after my dad passed away two years prior this day. Without any experience of living outside from my little town, I was still enthusiastic about this new opportunity. On the day of departure, my grandmother held me while bursting out with tears and whispered in my ears, "My only hope is that you would carry forward your father's legacy".

dumi

Mar 16, 2013

Undergraduate / EXPRESS MYSELF/OPINIONS ; Benefit from education AUC ? [3]

Being an AUCian was always one of my dreams that I decided to realize one day so I am struggling a lot to be , I had to complete advanced level and advanced supplementary subjects to be accepted as an AUC undergraduate

I feel this is a bit too long. This is your opening line and it should come with a punch. When you write too lengthy sentences, the reader needs to keep memorizing every detail you say while reading. That disturbs his interest in your writing. Better shorten this line.

Being an AUCina had been a great dream in my life and I truly did strive hard having it realized. ... They know the details of what you had to achieve for being eligible for admission. So that part is implied and you don't have to elaborate on that.

I think you better improve the flow of this answer.... Once you say that it had been a dream, then tell them why it had been so.... Talk about its features one by one and tell them how those features are aligned with your future goals.

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Scholarship / I have a petite body type & I'm pretty attractive; Questbridge SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Hi, I am applying for the Questbridge Scholarship and part of the application has two short answer questions with a 100 word limit each, but my answers are too long. I would really appreciate feedback on the actual content and any suggestions on keeping quality while staying under the limit. I didn't add any transitions because both of them are already too long. Please help, thanks. -Harmony.

I have a petite body type, and I am pretty attractive- a combination that can quickly spell disaster. Martial arts helped me find the confidence in myself to know that nothing will happen to me because I won't let it. I feel as though even though I'm only 5'3", I can protect other people. Going to college early has really helped me gain a work ethic. High school work didn't require me to study and plan in order to get A's. My hair has helped me learn not to get frustrated when things do not come out the way I planned and to try again with something new, or with the same thing a different way.

You need to talk about three most unique factors about you. Here, I find several things and nothing really strike me to understand what those three are. They are fine points to express your uniqueness, but you need to give more focus to them so as to let the reader understand "ok.... these are the unique features of this guy". For that you need to arrange the flow properly because you ideas seem to be scattered without a proper link. If you tell us what those 3 main factors are, then I may be able to help you with this one :)

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Scholarship / I require cutting-edge knowledge in Computer Science; Financial need for SCHOLASHIP [4]

"However, I find that financial constraints are a barrier for my future studies. With two siblings in university my parents are under financial stress. Due to high tuition, my mother and father work twelve laborious hour shifts to compensate for their losses. I also work part-time after school to save up for intended supplies at college. Even with our struggles, we work hard to provide a quality lifestyle for another."

However, the financial constraints stand my way as a major obstacle; My parents are under severe stress with their struggle to provide for our education . They try their best to meet the ends by working extra hours, but the income they generate with all means is not sufficient to manage all our requirements. I too work part time to ease off their burden by looking after my day to day expenses at college.

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Writing Feedback / toefl test The place you choose to live has a greater effect on you overall hapiness [5]

Today ,more and more people choose a place to live in relation to a lot of conditions.

.... This sentence is weak as an idea. It is not just nowadays, even earlier eras people chose their living area very carefully. I think you need to rephrase this a little bit to make it a strong sentence. This is your opening line, so it needs a punch.

When people choose a place of living they consider various reasons to make that decision.

Generally , most people will ~~considerate~~consider~~the first condition is~~ the distance between the workplace and residence as the first reason .

people consider/ people will be considerate

For example , if I lived far from my workplace,I would get up early with sleepy eyes and perhaps bear heavy rain in the summer and severe cold temperatures in the dawn of winter .

...well you say you lived far away. Then tell straight that commuting to your office place had been a tiring exercise. Then talk about the hardships such as cold temperature, flood effects etc.

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Research Papers / Euthanasia is the painless killing of a patient; Argumentative paper on euthanasia [4]

Doctors make mistakes, their human

... it should be "they are" , but you are not allowed to use "they" :D .... Anyway, this is wrong. This is what I suggest;

Being human, doctors too can make mistakes.

If doctors were to make a mistake and kill someone when the person should not have needed to die nothing can be done, the patient is already dead.

.... this line is confusing. You better re-phrase it.

It would then be taken as second degree murder which is killing someone without having an intention to do itso .

Life is a value, and if humans don't respect what is valued those people are considered a hypocrite.

Life is worthy and nobody tolerates another person harming his or her life. Therefore all humans should respect the others' right to live.

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Undergraduate / This passion is still alive in me; TRANSFER of MAJOR (To technology management) [3]

As technologies rapidly develop, mankind move towards information age, advance technologies are leaking into every field previously occupied by man, the result is increasing productivities ...

Well.... all what you say here is true. However, I have a concern whether that's going to help you with your application. They need to know why you need this transfer and how you find an alignment between this new program and your future career goals. So, you need to have that aspect as your prime focus. You need to make use of every word ( that you are allowed for this prompt ) to make them convinced that your request for this transfer is a justifiable one. Do not tell them things they already know and have their attention on yourself.

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Your boss needs to know your strengths for you to succeed; Do you agree? [6]

Hey.... you need to open a fresh thread for this essay. You cannot use the same thread for different essays as per the forum rules. So please re-post this essay on a new thread and I will provide you with my comments for it. This essay would soon be removed from this thread.

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Undergraduate / I had no idea what "design" really was! ;Industrial Design Prog-California C of A [3]

As a child, both my parents worked late hours, which often left me home alone.

... As a child does not refer to anything direct;
As a child, I was often left home alone because both my parents had to work late hours.

In my youth, I also discovered tools.

This idea suddenly splashes... I guess you better set the background for it to appear.

By rummaging through my father's tools at an early age, I learned to make things work much more efficiently than they were originally.

In my opinion, this should come before the previous line. The preivous line you need to rephrase again;
So I was good at discovering new tools.

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Letters / I decided to focus on the wind energy; PhD COVER LETTER- Renewable Energy [4]

As a research assistant at yyy, I got acquainted with the common wind measurement technologies, methods and standards applied with a special regard to remote sensing technologies as LIDAR (Light Detection And Ranging).

I had the opportuntiy of getting acquainted with the common wind measurment techonologies, mehtods and standards applied with a special regard to remote sensing technologies as LIDAR (Liaght Detection And Rangin) while I worked as a research assistant at yyy.

At yyyy I gained an experience as well in wind resource assessment with WAsP computational fluid dynamics package to estimate the most optimal wind farm layout proposals with the least energy yield losses and impact of the wake effect, which has attracted most of my interest.

My yyyy exposure enabled me to have a better understanding about wind resourse assessment with WAsP computational fluid dynamics package in order to estimate the optimal wind farm layout proposals with the least energy yield losses and impact of the wake effect

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Scholarship / University of Texas Scholarship Essay (Radio/TV/Film)- My first moment with film [2]

Awesome! I really like the way you present how this experience stimulated your apetite for filmmkaing industry. It's beautifully presented !
I also suggest that you better bring in a bit of technical aspects into this; I mean to display your knowledge in this field :)
Overall, this is very interesting and I wish you good luck with this application!

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Letters / I'm well qualified; COVER LETTER(postdoctoral position-organic chemistry) [4]

Grammar seems ok, it is the flow you need to pay your attention.

To be entirely sure of the right choice, I asked people who may know you, and received a positive reference. Thus, Dr. «first & last name», who carried out his PhD studiesin Prof. «last name in the possessive case» groupjust like me, and currently works in «institution name», characterized you as a rising star in «city name».

This is pretty confusing for me... especially the highlighted part.

soI have an experience in the synthesis and chemical transformations of these electrophiles, potentially interesting for MacMillan organocatalysis.

Well...it is also pretty difficult to follow what you wrote with so many undefined sections like

«last name in the possessive case

I feel you find a way out for that and repost this in a more readable manner... That really disturbs the readers attention to follow your essay.

dumi

Mar 15, 2013

Essays / A Big Role of Youth for the Surroundings [2]

I lived in one of the cities in Sumatra for seventeen years ~~old~~.

.... I guess you live there for seventeen years.

There was no a non government organization (NGO) or a youth community in my city.

There wasn't any non government organization or a youth community in my city ... what's the importance of having a NGO in your town? You need to tell the reader about that? It sounds confusing otherwise :(

I never had a neighbours and never spent time playing with my friends at city park.

Everyday, after school, I just read daddy's newspaper ~~and book~~ or watched television ~~in my~~ . My mom asked me to stay at home. She did not let me go to mall, cafe or book store~~. Because~~saying that home was the best place for me. But, everything became different when I wanted to enroll my self in a campus which was so far from my home. At the age of 18, I tried to choose.

I got rid of the habit of being stolid as when I was at home.

I began to be independent , more sociable and most importantly I started getting connected with the outer world.

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / "What are your feelings about the High School Proficiency Exam (HSPE) Why?" Essay [9]

I am not in favor of the general idea of having governmental tests to test students' knowledge.

I prefer if you introduce the concept of governmental tests (or even their objective) before expressing your opinion. That'll give a better entrant to your essay.

You can also touch on this fact that these exams have a major bearing on time management. A student who is very knowledgable, yet very poor in managing time would not fare well at such exams. :)

You write very well... What's the purpose of this essay? Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? Or is this a general term paper?

Edit: just realized that this essay is in the wrong category... sorry!!!! This is my first essay that I'm posting on this site. I won't make the same mistake again.

:D ... thanks !

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Undergraduate / Educational and Career Goal Essay: What do I have to offer? [2]

You have presented yourself very well with this writing. I enjoyed reading your answer.

While this goal might seem a little unusual for ~~the~~an average teenager, I can explain the motives behind this pursuit with my unique background.

Overall, it is well written.... I didn't find grammar or any other mistakes here. I like the way you have presented it too. Wish you good luck with this application :)

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; How the Internet has helped with my studies? [5]

In today's world, the Internetismeans everything to us and like most teenagers, I spend several hours a day surfing the Internet.

. I credit my academic success to the Internet because it has given me the tools I need to learn valuable information.

I give the credit of my academic success to the Internet because it has provided me with the tools I need for acquiring valuable information and knowledge.

. I am a blogger and sometimes I blog about my academic life and 50% of those times I find someone who is going through the same class as I am or having similar problems ~~as I am~~ .

... a little bit confusing at the end

With the help of twitter, I can meet a couple of my classmates and we often sit together in class, study together, and form relationship ~~together.~~

I think you need to organize your ideas a little better. Have separate sentences for the main ideas; Internet helps you to be socialized (social forums), do research by acting as a source of information, advance your knowledge... Tell about them separately in three different paras :)

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / Should students be allowed to have cell phones in secondary and high schools? [4]

Young generation nowadays ~~have used~~use cell phones like an indispensable commodity that goes along with them in any pace of life , even at schools or in classrooms.

... keep this in present tense. Also the part I highlighted sounds a bit confusing as to what you mean :(

students using cell phones in secondary and high school is unacceptable for ~~some~~ following reasons.

The initial important reason of not allowing students using cell phones at school is to avoid ~~the~~possible cheating ~~situation in~~at the exams .

Obviously , cell ~~phone use~~using cell phone during class impact detrimentally on student's ~~process of~~ attention and level of contributation , many teenagers suffer from pemanent partial attention disorder, which is a habit of paying only partial attention to their schoolwork, while devoting half of their attention, typically , to social networking sites or instant massaging.

... this line is too long and the reader has to make a great effort to remember its details. With less work for the reader, he would find your essay more interesting. :D ... Try and avoid very lengthy sentences.

Also, when you make new posts, post these essays under "Writing Feedback" forum.
Overall a good essay as always ;)

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / Different cultures and ethnic groups live together in one country; GOOD or BAD? [3]

even fight with them on very ~~unremarkable~~unreasonable issues.

... I think you better specify what those reasons are. Sounds vague otherwise.

The situation creates so many ethnic conflicts an opposites in society .

This situation creates many rifts between ethnic groups that may finally turn into major conflicts.

The governments should have a suitable measures to prevent the matter happening again.

The governments should adopt suitable strategies to prevent such happenings.
Overall this essay is of very high standard. You display very good writing skills. I think you can go for a good band or score if you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL.

Good Luck!

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Scholarship / Coffee,the most important commodity in the Cental Highlands; SCHOLARSHIP [11]

I recognized that there were enormous ~~potentials~~potential in applying biotechnology in post-harvest.

...

Nevertheless, the application of biotechnology in agricultural research and production is a weakness of WASI as well as Vietnam.

....let's say this differently;
However, with my work experience, I found that the application of biotechnology in agricultural research and production needs a lot of improvement.

Through my constant interaction with farmers, I realized that there exist ~~a lot~~lots of drawbacks in their harvesting and processing technology, such as (no colon) primitive technology in preservation, backward situation of processing technology etc.

I strong believe deeper researches on the application of advanced technology of biotechnology will resolve these problems. Therefore I am eager to continuously study food science and biotechnology.

I strongly believe that deeper researches on the application fo advanced biotechnology would resolve these issues. Therefore I am eager to continue my studies in food science and biotechnology.

Please note, you need to open a fresh thread if you post a new essay on a different topic.

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / toefl essay; What do you want most in a friend? humor, intelligence, trust, modest [5]

Doubtedfuly, you need to make a friend.

Without any doubt, you need to have friends for a happy life.

Naturally, all people get away on being alone.

.... this is confusing... what do you mean by this?

Certainly, you tend to be a friend with how has the particular feature.

this is confusing too :(
I guess this is what you are trying to mean;
Certainly you look for particular traits in a person before becoming friendly with him or her.

What do you want most in a friends?

... this is your topic.. So align your answer with it. First tell the traits that you like your friend to have. Then tell why those things are important for you. Then give examples for those reasons.

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / Should students concentrate more on the subjects they like? [7]

Could you suggest me something to improve my writing. I need 8 each in IELTS!

Well... I think you are pretty good with the essay structure and vocabulary. What you need now is to practice to deal with time :)
Also I'd suggest you to read others essays, you may find plenty of them here, to collect points and get familiar with expressing ideas. Read the comments provided by others too.

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / Should students concentrate more on the subjects they like? [7]

There is no doubt that parents are concerned about the upbringing as well as the education of their ~~toddlers~~childrenmore than ever before.

... well, toddlers grow into young kids, then teenagers and then to adolesence. In whatever age category they are, the interest of parents in their children would not diminish. So, I think you should leave it at the level of "children" which includes all these categories.

Seems you have a good understanding about the essay structure. Also you have good arguments too...Good Job!

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / People are not allowed to smoke in many public places? Good rule or bad rule? [4]

Good work! Well presented introduction!

Smokers think that when they smoke outside a building the smoke won't come in to the building but unfortunately it does.

...This is going a bit out of topic. You need to keep a good alignment with your topic which specifically refers to the public places and office buildings. So stick to that without deviating from what it suggests.

By ~~have~~having a rule to prohibit people smoke around public areas makes smokers have to walk a long way to have a smoke.

A regulation that prohibit people smoking in public areas would discourage smoking by making it a hazzle for the smokers to find a place where they can smoke.

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / Is it more important to study history and literature than to study science and maths? [5]

You are very good with counter arguments.... Well, what I meant was that particular line sounds like a too much generalization. It's a compliment that the actors have a good knowledge in math and science, but they can manage doing a good job without having such knowledge. Those effects you talk about can be handled by specialized guys in their production team and not necessarily by the person who performs. Generally those guys hire expertise :D

I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. Then pay attention to their expected essay structures. I think the 4 para (Intro+2 Body paras +Conclusion) structure is the best for you to earn good marks.

Anyways, you write very well :)

dumi

Mar 14, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; A HOUSE OR A BUSINESS? Both [7]

Having both of them is crucial in my own life. i cannot choose one of them.

Well.... in this task, you need to introduce your topic to the reader first. That is the first thing you should do in the introduction. Do not answer the prompt direct. Once you introduce your topic, then express your opinion.

1) Everybody cannot begin a successful initiative of business. Individual should have a sense of risk and have a strong desire to be successful. The significant and notable point is that we have to start a trade to relate our own professional skill. In additional, we must believe and be certain that every fail is starting of a new successful and experiences

You should follow the required essay structure for this task. Your essay needs to have at least 4 paras with introduction, two body paras and a conclusion.

Read essays in this forum to get the knack of this structure.

dumi

Mar 13, 2013

Writing Feedback / Governments or children should be responsible for old people ? [5]

In the fast pace of life

In the fast paced life,

In the fast pace of life , most people are frequently engaged in their business and do not have time to take care for family and their old parents in particular. This is a paradox that some old people are forced to live in an old-aged home because they are abandoned by their children , besides , some choose to live in a home with their peer group. Together with this phenomenon , a controversial issue is that who should actually take the responsibility for paying these services.

Your attempt to introduce the topic to the reader looks good. However, it is better if you express your opinion on this argument here

In the first place, some people strongly argue that children should be responsible for~~paying~~taking care ~~services~~of their parents when they live in Old- aged home.

paying attention / taking care of

Obviously, One of the most significant virtues of people is that we ought to take the duty to show the gratitude and thankfulness for parent's upbringing when we are mature enough.

Obviously, it is one of the good virtues of a person if he or she shows his/her gratitude towards the parents for raising him/her through many hardships.

In return , it is important to deserve to be paid back in appropriate manner.

.... this line has some issues
In return, they deserve better attention for all they did for their children.

dumi

Mar 13, 2013

Essays / Essay on my hero, my dad who went to the army [2]

... I feel you need to improve the presentation of this para; It's clarity is somewhat disturbed;
My dad once took a decision which I did not wish him take, but this decision helped change my character. He accepted the transfer from the West Point to National Guard that made him stay away from the family for one full year. He knew well that it was going to be very problematic for the family, but said "do not cry over spilled milk; and that year would soon pass". However, he never forget his responsibilities as a good father and always had the first priority for the family. I remember how he dedicated even the little leisure time he had to be with us to give his best attention and care for us.

dumi

Mar 13, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Your boss needs to know your strengths for you to succeed; Do you agree? [6]

I am not ~~approved of~~approving the ~~following~~above statement which is acclaimed that to make sure the relevant person (better high levels) knows your ablity is the only path to access the success.

Well .... this sentence has several issues such as grammar, inappropriate vocabulary, presentation etc. I suggest you to write simple and short sentences that help you improve clarity of your sentences. Do not use key words and synonyms if you are not very sure. The reason is that they may give very different meanings and sound inappropriate. By reading others essays may be a good start for you. There are plenty of essays you find in this forum.

dumi

Mar 13, 2013

Graduate / Effective points for studying Petroleum Engineering as a EEE engineer [12]

Pay attention to the purpose throughout the statement so that extraneous material is left out.
It should reveal that you care deeply about your chosen discipline and that you have the background to support your ideas and sentiments. It should also demonstrate that you're a diligent student who will remain committed for the long haul.

Your SOP should be unique while it's important to be focused. It should not sound boring.

dumi

Mar 13, 2013

Writing Feedback / Is Death Penalty needed for our lives to be more secured and have less crimes? [3]

There are 2 opposite sides have been formed on this issue such as Supporters and Opponents.

Avoid having numbers in this type of essays. Write them in words.

You write well. But it's better if you express what stand you would take on this argument in your introduction. That helps your examiner to follow you in that specific direction; Have less work for your examiner and you'd earn more marks :D

You need to have at least two body paras if you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS. The essay structure for them is ; Introduction + 2 Body paras + Conclusion.

If you have enough time, you can have more number of body paras :)

dumi

Mar 13, 2013

Undergraduate / Thesis statement for the topic - Should students work part time during college days? [3]

In my view, working part time affects negatively on students' academic performance in several ways;
Although it is true that part time work enables students to be financially independent to some extent while gaining work experience , their level of dedication and commitment for their studies is what that gets seriously affected.

Now you can elaborate on this... tell they have to struggle with time and they cannot aim for real high grades with such constraints. Also you can talk about the work place demands too as you have already mentioned in your para :)

dumi

Mar 13, 2013

Essays / Advantages & Disadvantages of COMPUTER GAMES; "foundation English level 2" [9]

can i ask duminda to explain my point of the and a number of people...??? help me i am not good at explaining...

"
Okkkkkk....
'A number of' will form a plural subject. Have a look at the following examples;
Example 1
A number of people who gathered there were foreigners.
There are a number of plants that grow in this extreme climatic condition.

As a subject, 'The number of' with other words is singular. For example;
The number of players in the team is 11.
The number of items to be sold is 20.
Mistakes occur if other words are added after the number 30 or 51. For example, 'The number of pupils in this class is 30 people.' is wrong because you are required to give a number only. Likewise, it will be incorrect to write 'The number of tickets left for sale is 51 tickets.' for the same reason.

dumi

Mar 13, 2013

Scholarship / "work hard" and "don't give up" ; Personal Statement /Forge Scholarship [6]

You repeat the same ideas here... You have already expressed why you want to become a nurse. So avoid repeating the same idea again. This is my suggestion;

So I decided to pursuing a degree with Nursing as major. I found that University of Texas is the right fit for realizing my dream because ??????????????? (now tell some of the features of University of Texas that drew your attention)

dumi

Mar 12, 2013

Writing Feedback / Be grateful to the people!; My life LESSON [3]

There are a lot of life lessons that I had learned throughout my entire life. The most important lesson that I learned is to always be grateful for the people that I have and not take them for granted, especially if they are family.

.... why you need to grateful? you better give some hint about it;
There are many events and experiences that taught me lessons for life. However, the most important lesson I learned is that I should be grateful to the people who love and care for me.

But sometimes because we are young or don't care we tend to not appreciate what we have until we lose them completely and we regret it because sooner or later we realize that we miss them in our lives because somehow they were important to us.

Sometimes, our young immature minds take things for granted; we do not take others feelings seriously and do not appreciate what they do for our betterment until we lose them forever. Then only we would start realizing the value of these people and how important they had been for us.

dumi

Mar 12, 2013

Scholarship / Coffee,the most important commodity in the Cental Highlands; SCHOLARSHIP [11]

In addition, with course of Food safety and quality management will be very helpful for my analyzing of the problems that persist in current Food quality management system of Vietnam, and allow me offer the most effective reforms, especially for coffee quality management system.

I particularly find the course "Food safety and Quality Management" very helpful for enhancing my skills on analyzing the problems persisting in current Food quality management system of Vietnam. This would further allow me to suggest most effective reforms, especially in the area od cofee quality management system.

The possibility to combine theoretical studies with practical skills in food science atin Australia will enable me to become a ~~good~~competent and effective specialist in my field ~~whoand I will be able to contribute to the modifications in agricultural production of Vietnam~~

...I think that sounds a bit repetitive as an idea because you have said much about it in your previous sentences. This is my suggestion for this part;

[i]... and with this knowledge and exposure, I hope to make my share of contribution to my country's agricultural sector for its betterment.[/i]

dumi

Mar 12, 2013

Graduate / When I found my passion for Integrated Marketing/Masters (Johns Hopkins program) [4]

"Taiwanese brands do not know how to make use of its resources in online marketing and collaboration with other companies. " I think you shouldn't generalize and make an statement like that or they might get the idea that you haven't done enough research. Maybe I would mention it in a different way...let's say how in your opinion online marketing for taiwanese brands would increase if the right usage of resources was implemented " (of course written in a better way i'm just trying to give you the idea)

This is a very helpful comment and hope you pay attention to this.
[

This was triggered by a trip to the United States done in 2011. I discovered that many major brands have a very strong brand image and that this image is presented across actual and online retailing.

This was triggered by my trip he USA in 2011 where I found how aggressively the major brands make use of e-commerce tools to build their brand image and how successful they have been with capturing customer loyalty by doing so.

I observed that Target has distinguished itself from other discount storeswith its exclusive deals with various name brands and designers and increased the foot traffic of its stores (both actual and online).

.... I wish if you rephrased this line a bit - the part I highlighted does not convey your idea properly.

That means it is perfect for a person like me who is interested in Marketing but have no related ~~working~~work experience.

----

With my experience in setting up an online store and the professors' many years of experience, I would be placed in the best position to learn.

... again, this is not very clear.... better re-phrase!

dumi

Mar 12, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 1 - two charts on aspects of adult education [2]

The two graphs describe the adolescents' opinion about the education. The single bar graph shows the reasons why people choose adult education, while the pie chart reveals their notion on who should pay the educational costs.

This is pretty good :)

According to the bar chart, the majority of people claim to choose education because they are interested in the subjects (40%)

According to the bar chart, the majority 40% of people have chosen education due to their interest in the subjects.
This looks a very good summary report. I only wish you uploaded the charts so that we could have commented more relevantly. However, you do not have to fear about this task because it is very well done. Good Luck!

dumi

Mar 12, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; ENGLISH has become a universal language for communication [3]

At present time, the role of English as a global language is indispensable. It is worth noting that the prevalence of English worldwide might has its negative effect. In my opinion, English's dominance can be viewed in positive light.

Good introduction :)

In addition, people nowadays are likely to gain exposure toof foreign cultures with the help of English.

Well ... you present several reasons in the first body para to support your view point and your examples do not sound very specific. However, this task requires you to give specific examples to support your reasons. So, taking the time management factor into consideration, I'd like to advise to you to limit your reasons to just one and support it with a good example. That would help you earn good marks.

You have excellent writing skills and I think you can go for a pretty good band :)

dumi

Mar 12, 2013

Undergraduate / The moving image ; Emerson C- What influenced you to select your major? [4]

This is awesome :) .... I like your writing style :)

that they refined more than their skill sets, they transformed themselves.

... that they not only went beyond refining their skills, but also transformed themselves.

[quote=formenthosFilm is one of the most influential forces in the world~~, because~~and I now want to make films.[/quote]
This is very good writing.... Wish you Good Luck with this application !

dumi

Mar 12, 2013

Scholarship / I put forth a lot of effort into everything that I do; "Why you deserve scholarship" [3]

1

I believe that I am deserving of this scholarship because I put forth a lot of effort into everything that I do.

I believe that I am deserving of this scholarship because I put forth a lot of effort into everything that I do. I do my best in any and everything. When I set goals for myself, I do everything in my power to achieve them and if I happen to fall short of my goal then I pride myself in knowing that I did my best. My goals in life are often high. I base my goals on the quote "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars."

... You revolve around just one main idea that is you do your best , no matter how hard it is , to achieve your goal. All these sentences give more or less the same message. I suggest you to start right from the one that I highlighted;

"Shoot at moon; Even if you miss the target you will land on a start", this famous saying serves the base for me to set my goals. ....now you can say how hard you work when pursuing your goal and all the reasons as to why you deserve this scholarship.