Writing Feedback / Faridabad, Tracing a town's culture [6]


That's called organized religion! :-)

Ha, so you are in Faridabad... so interesting to be talking to you...


Jesus said something to the effect that we would be able to access him in the form of every poor person we help...

And we are all such poor people, I think you can just turn to the next person you see, and there she'll be.
Aha, the person is the confused incarnation! The sacred is right there in that jerk who speaks to me unkindly!

Essays / Help me to write paragraph about myself [6]

Paragraphs should never be 20 sentences. If you have 20 sentences, it should be 3 or 4 paragraphs. Paragraphs should have about 4 or 5 sentences.

Hey, I think you can write the first sentence. Write something about yourself. Anything.

I'm sorry I missed your deadline. You can start like this:

I am a person who feels very strongly about _______ (finish the sentence).
If I was going to compare myself with a person from history, it would be (name the person.)

Writing Feedback / Which would you prefer? to spend time with a few close friends or a large number or? [2]

Hello! Aysel, it's great to meet you.

I'll make some suggestions...

Better for less is qualified in every situation. It can be also told about number of friends. Quality is more important than quantity in every situation. This is especially true of one's friends.------Study this sentence carefully, and type it many times. Experiment by using different words but keeping it mostly the same. This sentence can teach you a lot.

I do not actually like broad having a large number of companions.

Variety of people means diversity of characteristics. ---brilliant, very wise.

These characteristics scarcely coincide. ---another excellent sentence.

It would not be easy to make intercourse among all of your friends. This sentence is going to make people laugh, because intercourse is a word often used to mean SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

You should write: It would not be easy to find a way of doing things that is acceptable to all of your friends.

To sum up, if you want to enjoy friendship, it does not mean that you can disturb others or that you may go only the way you want, choose the things for your taste.

These all are possible with a few friends, rather than with a huge companion huge amount of companions.
A huge companion would be one big giant, like Godzilla or something. You mean "huge number of companions."

Writing Feedback / Children should only play sports for fun, or should play in competitions [Toefl] [2]

I think it is supposed to be a question:

Should children only play sports for fun, or should they play competitions and contests?

Sports are the daily activity for children.---Good sentence

However people hold different attitudes to about their sports.

Some of them assert that children are too young to afford these competitions; otherwise others hold the point that children's matches must be full of contest competition.

Were it left for me to choose whether children plays sports in competition or only for fun, I will choose the former without any hesitation. ---good sentence!!

Other voice Another important point is that children are...

Just think of Darwin's theory, when the environment changes, only the strong or environmental-fitted creatures could survive.----You made an excellent point here. I disagreed with your argument at the start, but now maybe I agree! :-)

Scholarship / "Simulation of Production Logistics for Beverage Industry" - Foreign Scholarship SOP [5]

Most of my friends have been working jobs since their graduation, but I remained in study because I believe post-graduation study will magnify my ambition to conduct research in the field of Industrial Engineering.

For the this field, the pursuit of a master's program through a scholarship scheme is my only chance to prove my strong technical and analytical abilities, which can increase during masters program at your distinct university.

The consideration in supply chain and logistics, apart from cargo services or courier services, is at minimum level and yet to be promoted because it is one of the few sources of eliminating spare activities that could lead any industry to its path of success. This part does not make sense. Say something specific about what you want to accomplish in order to contribute to the field.

Furthermore, I believe, in the future through the tremendous education at higher level, would increase my level of approaching things and efficiency and enable me to apply my getting-things-done attitude.

We are lucky to have you at EssayForum! Thanks for being an example of a motivated, serious student!

Writing Feedback / follow fashion trends or dress in personal style?----IELTS practice [5]

Hi Fiona, thanks for helping so much at EF lately!

Here is my correction. I hope you'll type each sentence several times so you can get the good grammar habits:

With the increasing availability of the Internet, people can collect a wealth of information about the latest fashion trends all over the world, such as the most popular shoes style this season or the best-liked clothes color this year. ---Nice job! See the small corrections I made.

This is because following fashion trends enable people...

In contrast, if they stuck to their own fashion styles, disregarding the world's top fashion designers' achievements, they would stay conservative in their own worlds. As a result, they might fall behind shortly. --PERFECT grammar! However, I disagree. I see the significance of being in touch with the trends as they reflect the changing, collective interests of the people, but I do not think it is important to conform to them. For example, right now I am wearing a scuba diving mask on my face, Micky Mouse slippers on my feet, and a bullet-proof vest to protect me from scathing insults that may be directed toward me.

:-)

Despite this, it is undeniable that following fashion trends constantly may undermine individuals' personalities. ---I agree!

... style of clothes .Consequently, the world would look monotonous.--The space is before the period!

GREAT job, Fiona...

Writing Feedback / The wolf + Strong relationships - help to the correction of these paragraphs? [4]

Great corrections, Claudia!

Parya, in number 1 I see that you began a sentence with a word that was not capitalized. Capitalize the first letter of the first word of every sentence!!!!

:-)

In number 2 I see that you wrote one VERY long sentence. It is better to end the sentence with a period and begin a new one. Short sentences are better than long sentences!

Undergraduate / "It's not the end of my musical journey" - Common App/UC [3]


I think "when I first picked up" is okay for a guitar or flute, but not a piano! Unless you are like, really strong or something. :-)

You could say "took up" instead.


I think this gives the first paragraph a weak ending. At the end of the first paragraph, I think you should present an idea that you want the reader to keep in mind and remember after skimming through the essay. Get your MESSAGE TO THE READER at the end of that first paragraph.

...spent a lot of time and effort into doing everything to the best of our abilities.


At the end here, you are a little vague. I man, your writing style is great (rhythmic and musical, not surprisingly...), but I wonder if you can infuse this essay with a poignant main idea, and unforgettable main idea. It can be something more than just expressing passion for music. It can be a specific concept/idea related to your intentions for college.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Should people have just one career or possess several jobs at the same time? [4]

Here are a few more corrections to practice!

The new trend will be mainstream for people to their livings by more than one method.

Compared to people who lived in the past, we modern people confront economic depression and a more competitive environment which spurs us to diversify our lives.----I made some small changes here.

First of all, to survive an economic depression, with an average salary of NTD 22,000 a new graduate in Taiwan needs to gain money in various ways simultaneously.

Thirdly, as a result of the prevalence of the state-of-art technology, especially the Internet, we can earn money easily though online auctions.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Government should spend money on ARTs, not only on public services [7]

Thus, a great number of people firmly believe that we will keep up this upward trend, achieving higher goals in the next 90 years.---This way is correct.

Without a guideline on protecting the environment, and a vast amount of energy would still be consumed, constituting a large part of its operational costs, which would become a hurdle to the economic development.

These two ways above are correct. In the second one, the energy is doing the "constituting."

:-)

Graduate / advice if i should discuss this in my personal statement or will it hurt me? [3]


Great advice, Hakim! It's true... educators of the 21st century really understand the seriousness of dyslexia now as well as other LD.

A great approach is to write about what it was that was causing the struggle and what you did to overcome it. Also, it is important to have a clear plan for the future. Nobody likes to deny an opportunity to a person with a good plan.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'valuable and irrecoverable'; Should a city preserve its old buildings? [6]


It's not wrong. She just suggested a different way to do it.

:-)

Essays / Reality shows:How real the reality shows are??-Thesis statement [11]

Yes, start by Googling the term "reality shows" and "reality television" so that you can get some ideas.

Remember, start every paragraph with a clear topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph.

You might have 3 ideas to express about reality shows. If so, write 3 body paragraphs. Then, go back and write an introduction paragraph at the beginning.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Enrich the environment at the University"- a 200 words admission essay [2]

Great job, Mirela!

I see a typo, though:

I look forward to sharing my...

A new developed technology from a single, competent engineer can become an opportunity to change the entire society. like the examples of cars, semiconductors, and computers. ---I think the end of this sentence should be omitted. The examples are too simplistic and unnecessary.

I will do my best to be an engineer who can create the added values, which result in essential outcome that could save the lives of over 10,000 people. At the end here, the meaning is unclear. It seems like you are saying something very general. Can you end the essay by saying something specific about recent books and articles you have read to pursue your interest in engineering?

:-)

Research Papers / Technology to create a single world culture? (how to answer this question)? [4]

Thanks, Hakim Husein! Great explanations...

Kgabe, do you understand the question? IT is asking you if technology, like the Internet, has made all the cultures of the world blend into one.

Do you think all the cultures are melding together?

:-)

Undergraduate / "a Semester Course of Web Development/Designing in India" - Common App [4]


Great, thoughtful feedback! Thanks!

I think you should not capitalize here:
...during my junior year, when I got...

Keep the verb tense consistent:
As a result, I gained more responsibility because it was my job to finish the work I was given.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Topic: A time you have the courage to do something or face something difficult [5]

You have a great style of writing!
I want to show you how to keep the verb tense consistent in the sentnece:
Many young children were living in that area, and when people bought these illegal books or DVD movies, it did a lot of harm to them since they were no longer interested in any school books, and their brains were filled with dirty images.---I made a few small changes in this sentence.

Filled with great courage, I brought some money from home and directly went to the book store.---Great sentence!

I looked around and tried to find some illegal books and DVD movies.---Another great sentence.

Surprised, I found that all the books on the shelf were legal books, such as scientific fictions, dictionaries, or test preparation.---Keep the verb tense consistent.

...must have hidden...

:-)

Book Reports / "The ones Who walk away from Omelas" - the significance of the title [3]

Use this spelling: bear.

Bare = naked

... cannot bear to live a life of isolation and happiness at the expense of another life.

Are these people that walk away more compassionate than the ones that stay, is it a easy choice to make to walk away.

First of all, Omelas is a isolated city by the sea , surrounded by tall mountains with snow covered peaks. There are farming opportunities, such as meadows, located just outside of town.

Do not put a space before the period. Only put a space after the period.

Also, do not put a space before the comma:
They have a celebrations of summer, including a horse race, music, and dancing.

Secondly , there are strict rules to...

There is a neglected child that lives in horrendous circumstances; the child lives in a closet in the basement with little food and water. The child is not allowed to leave this place, be taken care of, or be talked to.

Why would the people of ...----If the sentence begins with "Why" is should end with a question mark-----?

Thirdly, the ones that choose to leave and can not bear to live under these circumstances after seeing the child. They leave without a word to anyone. ----Great job here! I just changed the comma to a period.

The question remains: Would you walk away? ----Great ending!!!

Writing Feedback / In order to solve the problems , people should review the past. 【TOEFL EASSY】 [5]

Admittedly, there is an old saying that looking i...---If you way "admittedly," that means you are about to mention a point that contradicts your argument.

Admittedly There is an old saying about perception: "Looking into a brass..."

Use " " marks for the saying.

You English is great!! Very clear...

As someone said, "History is just like a novel." Certainly, when we face problem in the future or at the present, referring to history is useful for us in solving the prob lem, but the best way is to analyze the problem according to our own situation.---Great job!

Writing Feedback / Detail the factors that affect editors to choose broadcasting news. [5]

I think it will be better if you do this:
With regard to the influences of a news editor on decision-making, the responsibility of the media comes to my mind.---This is simpler and clearer.

Since news is in high demand among people and the majority of us get that from either television or newspapers, how do editors make their minds about what news to cover. news impacts us dramatically.

For instance, in Taiwan, a gossip magazine called Apple once stayed on the top of the sales ranking for a long period of time due to remarkably sensationalizing news. ---Great sentence!!

With regard to the impact of news, sensationalizing and meaningless news has been rampant in our society since high circulation and...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Just Keep Swimming" - Common App Essay help [3]

In this kind of essay, I would not use all caps, like BEEP, and KEEP GOING. It is better to just use " " marks. Using all caps is informal and sloppy.

:-)

You can cut the "Step one" etc.
Like this:
Wake up. The BEEP of my alarm breaks the blissful silence of sleep. To the rest of my friends, it's barely dawn. To me, it's the start of a new day.

Pool time. It's...

I guess I think you can cut much of this paragraph or the whole thing:
When I was fifteen, my swimming performance hit a long plateau in a sport where improving is everything. The plateau hit me like a train. It took all the fun out of swimming, and caused doubt ... ------It expresses a theme of "not giving up," but that is cliche.

I think you should cut out al unnecessary details. How do you know if it is unnecessary? Ask yourself if it helps transmit your main idea, your most important idea.

What is the most important idea? It's the idea that makes the reader believe that you really are serious about achieving goals that are part of a plan you have for a meaningful career.

Inspire the reader!

:-)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) protect animals, zoos should be banned? [2]

I'll make a lot of small changes... Please study these changes and type the sentences to practice the correct grammar.
:-)
... in terms of animal preservation and children's education.

There is no denying that our environment is damaged day by day due to the fact that excessive pursuit of economic development occurs at expense of various eco-systems, which poses a great threat to the survival of wild animals.---I made some small changes here.

Additionally, zoos afford a platform for the education of teenagers, helping to establish eco-friendly behavior towards animals.

On the other hand, complaints about the drawbacks of zoos are often heard.

What the zoos should do is work toward the improvement of the management system and use the income wisely in preserving wild animals better.

Writing Feedback / We can know about ourselves more from animals just by watching them [2]

As we get more knowledge about human beings, people start to be interested in...

I realized humans and animals sometimes have cruel characteristics in common.----Very interesting!! I fixed the grammar of the sentence... I think this is an astute observation!

No need for the comma:
I was a volunteer in a school where young criminal are sent after they are sentenced.

The school designed a course about taking care of homeless animals in order to help those kids get back to normal lives and teach them some virtue to live by.

In the beginning, I was a little bit scary of interacting with those kids.---Great sentence!

However, not until that day did I find the warm light reflecting from the eyes of a kid while he washing and playing with a dog.

Suddenly, I understood that those kids...

Observing animals can give us a lot of information about human nature, for sure.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / "the former" - Question about the usage of a sentence. [5]

The former statement is misleading. ---You could do this, but it is still not quite right.

You do not have a misleading statement here to talk about. I think this is what you are trying to say:

The argument in favor of the former statement is misleading, because _____________________ (Why do you think people are misled about it?)

:-)

Writing Feedback / Economic development VS Loss of social values [IELTs] [10]

I'm going to make a lot of changes, and I hope you practice the essay with way. I hope you type every sentence 5 times to learn the correct grammar.

At present, living standards have been improved emphatically along with rapid economic advancement.

People truly benefit from the development whereas some individuals propose that the convenience and advantage people enjoy is at the cost of social values.---Good sentence!

I believe that the disadvantages triumph over the advantages, because __________________- (Give the reason).

Indeed, economic and technological progress greatly facilitates facilitate life for the public.

From the perspective of efficiency, the wide use of cars and so forth noticeably increases people's life paces, making their life and work increasingly efficient and time-saving.

The recession of ethics motivates people to cheat and commit fraud in the hope of...

Instead, they indulge in the tide of pursuing material wealth and fame, satisfied with the advancement of living standards.

:-)

Essays / Help on Second Language Acquisition (Ellis's Ten Principles of Instructed Language) [4]


I don't really know what you mean by this...

But the thing is, you are supposed to critique them based on what you have been learning this semester. I may be wrong, but you are probably supposed to discuss the 10 principles and ALSO discuss what you have learned this semester.


You have to be able to do all that. There is no way around it! :-) Otherwise, you have not learned it.

I suggest looking on Google video to see if there is a video about them.
Also, read 5 web pages about them.

Spend some time getting deeply involved with the 10 principles. I wish I had some more useful advice!! :-)

Grammar, Usage / Playtime, mom, lions, etc - correct my grammar [5]


I agree!

Great work, T9Fernando!!

13 I like running in outside at the playground.
14. I am shy boy, so I don't want to talk.

Writing Feedback / 'Music lifts up our souls and releases them'; traditional vs international music [5]


I like this part! Very clever...

:-)

However, I think sometimes this movie can be its own background music.

This is a great essay! I want to mention that it is a flowing, digressing essay. It is not an essay with good structure.

In school, it is usually best to write an essay with good structure. However, classical essays are often more like yours.

IF you want to write an essay with good structure, give a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that expresses the main idea of the essay.

Grammar, Usage / How to say the head of Chinese Department, Institution of Humanity and Law / FDI Investment [6]

Yes, I like Roger's suggestion.

But if you need to use it in a sentence, do this:

My teacher was XXXXXXX, head of the Chinese Department at Hebei University of Technology's Institution of Humanity and Law.

Writing Feedback / economic development vs environment ---IELTS [8]

Great question!!

1、Thus, a great number of people firmly believe we will keep up this upward trend and achieve higher goals in the next 90 years.---I even took out the word "that" to improve the sentence.

2、Without a guideline on protecting the environment, the firm would still consume a vast amount of energy, which constitutes a large part of its operational costs and become a hurdle to economic development.

Both of the above are correct.

To use ing, do this:
1、Thus, a great number of people firmly believe that we will keep up this upward trend, achieving higher goals in the next 90 years.
2、Without a guideline on protecting the environment, the firm would still consume a vast amount of energy, becoming a hurdle to the economic development.

In both sentences, I want to use"ing"to express the results of the former sentence, demonstrating an eloquent way to add meaning to a sentence.

Writing Feedback / Describe two charts about a survey of adult education..from Cambridge IELTs 1 [5]

The word relative is the only part that makes it unclear. Usually you would say "relative to [something]"...

A soccer ball is small relative to me, but it is large relative to a spider. To the spider, a soccer ball is very big.

In your introduction, I think a better word to use is RELATED.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Japan: special interest/passion+ how you have developed knowledge in these area? [7]


Is this the main idea of the essay? I like to put a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that will express the main idea of the essay.

It would also be nice to see a sentence that tries to express in words what it is that you enjoy about Japanese music. Can you put it into words?

Undergraduate / "The Biggest Change of My Life" - UF admission, A Senior in High School [10]


I think at the end here you are repeating something you already said...

I aspire to be a surgeon, and...

I like the confidence theme!

Graduate / Motivation letter for getting a place in good university,for persuing master's degree [8]

Hi Ankita, I hope someone can help you... I don't have any knowledge of or involvement with scholarships...

But my solution for everything is to use Google. Search for: scholarships, list, british

I hope you find a lot of success! Don't be discouraged, because even if you have to work for a few years to raise the money, every minute will be meaningful -- and enjoyable, if you keep the correct state of mind.

Writing Feedback / economic development vs environment ---IELTS [8]


I try to avoid using this form, because technically the "number" is singular, so it should be:
Currently, a great number of countries has...----But this way, it looks stupid!

So I like to do this:
Currently, many countries have pushed forward their economies by...

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Government should spend money on ARTs, not only on public services [7]

As people have raised their democratic awareness in recent years, they beginning to care more about how the tax revenue is distributed by the government. ----Your sentence was not incorrect, but this way is a little better.

Simultaneously, public services such as education system or medical care can meet people's basic demand of survival, security and knowledge, thus making them feel comfortable, which can lower the crime rate. ---wow, very good sentence!

From the point perspective of the local community, funding arts...
You don't need much help! Your English is great...

:-)

Undergraduate / "My education is not a cliche" - second admissions statement [4]


At the end of the first paragraph, I think it is important to try to leave the message that will stay in the reader's mind after she finishes skimming through the essay.

I think this sentence above is good because of its meaningfulness, but I think you should add another sentence after it before ending the first paragraph.

Well, I see at the end of the essay you talk about "no regrets" again, so it is a strong theme. The essay is impressive because of that. But can you add a dimension to the theme that shows that you know specifically where you are going and what you are doing? Show that you have a plan. You'll be most impressive if you mention a recent book or article you have been reading because of your interest... and your specific intention. You must have specific research interests and specific types of jobs as a psychologist in mind...

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'valuable and irrecoverable'; Should a city preserve its old buildings? [6]

Some people think it wasteful to maintain their old, historic buildings, while other people want to preserve them because they are valuable and irrecoverable. ---I made one small change. Can you find it? :-)

...are usually under dangerous circumstances.

Second, the old, historic buildings occupy spaces that would otherwise be available for modern buildings. ----This sentence was not incorrect, but I just wanted to make it a little better.

The additional floors enable more people to live in the buildings and provide more spaces for people to plan and develop.

What's more, the modern buildings are equipped with modern facilities that make life easier and more comfortable. ----GREAT sentence! But I had to add one word.

To sum up, I think that it is a good idea for a city to replace the old, historic buildings with modern ones because it can save a lot of government money, allow more residents to live in the buildings, and raise people's living conditions.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Faridabad, Tracing a town's culture [6]

I agree! Practicality is sometimes impractical. In the Tao Te Ching is says something like this: We cut holes to make the window of the house. It is the emptiness inside a cup that makes it useful. Profit comes from what is there, but usefulness comes from what is not there.

Wait a minute! I don't think that quote really applies to the essay, ha ha. My bad. The essay seems to be showing that there is more to life than adapting to the changing world, and a kind of self-expression can be more rewarding than efficiency.

Undergraduate / "where strong learning foundations" - UCF Why I choose UCF [3]


You are making me wait so long before you tell me what it is! I think the big intro is NOT a good idea. Tracking what kids have said they wanted to be is something that has been done many times. And your reason for discussing it is simply to highlight the fact that your idea did not change... but saying you "have always wanted to be" is something that is used SO many times in these essays, too common of an approach.

Ah! I found the uniqueness in the essay. (It was buried in the middle.) What if the essay starts like this:
I just want to be a positive influence in a child's life . Through elementary and middle school I set my focus around on being a kindergarten teacher, a speech therapist, and in the 7th grade I even considered being a fashion designer. ---End the sentence here. New sentence: I spent my days, sketching miniature designs of what I saw in fashion magazines, planning to one day be a world known fashion designer for the younger generation. That sounded like a great plan for a while, until I hit my high school years, and I realized that all of these career choices had something in common, all were related to children,---Ah, now I like it!! It becomes interesting here.

I sugest cutting the top part and getting right into this discussion that begins with that blue sentence above. :-)