Writing Feedback / Multinational companies and globalization - negative or positive? [2]


Do not copy the topic.


Do not repeat these words.


---> It can increase the job opportunities ...



Do not repeat yourself. U can write about the effect of an increase in job opportunities on the economy of a country and the ways it may influence the living standards.



Add an example to support your idea.

Try to use more examples and supporting sentences to make your ideas more apparent.

Regards
Ahmad

Essays / Help to write an essay on choosing a good local university [3]

Research performance is another important factor. I recommend you to look at the criteria that are considered for ranking universities. Visit this the following website to get some good information in this respect: shanghairanking.com/ARWU-Methodology-2011.html

Research Papers / 'STDs in the US' - Research on the topic 'Sexually transmitted disease' [2]


Do not use an abbreviation at the beginning of the essay. At first write it completely and then use the abbreviation. I mean you should write it in this way:"from Sexually-transmitted diseases (STD) ...

other industrialized nations


U can write this sentence like the following one :" 88,227 and 18,142 cases were reported in Florida and southern countries of Florida, respectively. "


it would be better to write the numbers over 10 in digit

U should classify the information of this part of the research into three main parts and u should write each one in a separate paragraph :1) The aim of the study: Why did you do the study? Write about the questions that you are going to answer them through the study. 2) Methodology: You need to write the detail of the research separately. 3) Results and discussion: Give the main results you have gained. If it is possible analyze the data and provide a logical discussion.

I have done many term papers and researches, so u can count on my help.

Hope you find the comments useful
Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'really hard working'- world you come from and how your world shaped your aspirations [11]


The tens used for the first part of the sentence is past tens, while the second part is present tens. Write the second part of the sentence as past tens, too.


Do not use contractions in writing.




U wrote the essay in past tens. When u use "I rememebr", it means that u are going to discuss an event which occurred in the past.


Use synonym such as "barriers", " hard conditions/circumstances", "difficulties".


I think the word "immigrate" is a better choice in this context compared to "move".

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 coeducational VS single [3]



The words "thus", "therefore", and the like, are more appropriate than "So"



WHY? Why do they think students can concentrate on their studies in these schools? Explain it and make it clear for the reader.


What kind of problem? It is not apparent. u can make is more clear by using "such as".



Never start a sentence with "BECAUSE". In Farsi it is OK, but in English it is WRONG.


"Attending" is used with no preposition


"Evidence" is an uncountable noun and u cannot use it in plural form.


This conclusion should be improved. At the beginning of the conclusion reword the thesis statement to remind the reader that u was discussing what issues in the body. Then write your opinion. Finally write and ending statement called clincher.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Task 1 : rental charges and salaries in three areas of London [4]


Yes, this is a good idea. As a I told you before, reading and writing are linked. Read a variety of texts to be familiarized with various subjects. I recommend you to read three books which are really useful and they helped me a lot. 1) Focus on Vocabulary : This book not only improves your vocabulary, but also ameliorates your reading and writing skills since it includes interesting, long texts and u can see how professional writers open an introduction, and how organize their ideas. 2) Another helpful book is "For and Against": This book contains argumentative passages that may help you to improve your writing and your ability in analysis of a topic and discussion. 3) The Practical Writer With Reading: Read this book if you want to increase your information about structure and organization of an essay. This book starts with paragraph writing and it is followed by 5 paragraph essay. It also teaches you how to write an article, a process, as well as very good information about punctuation has been provided in this book.

Hope this helps
Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Task 1 : rental charges and salaries in three areas of London [4]


First of all, the topic is not about "different houses" , but it is about" three different areas". Areas and Houses are different (consider this). Second of all, the use of "type" is more formal than "kind".

How about TIME?


Never use "it can be seen" because the examiner will not have the question booklet.


Write the numbers under 10 in words.



This sentence is too vague. Revise it. By the way, u must not use "Although" with "but".


Do not use "numbers". Use "rental charges", "results", and the like.



probably is a better word

Writing Feedback / 'in Rome' - What are your hobbies during your leisure times? [3]



Repetition.


I think u cannot consider "getting a gf" as a hobby.


The word "confidence" is a better word.



Write about your new hobbies in a separate paragraph.


Is this an essay? If the answer is YES, U should consider the following points :
1) each essay includes an introduction. Start the introduction with a motivator, then write the thesis statement and the main idea of the essay.
2) organize the ideas of the essay. For example, u wrote about your previous and present hobbies. So, write the previous hobbies in one Para. and allocate another Para. to the present hobbies.

3) Write a conclusion: Restate the thesis statement and finally write a clincher (ending statement.

Hope u find the comments helpful

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'digitalization is revolutionizing' - Public libraries limited resources on [2]


In the introduction u did not say anything about "computer software, videos or DVDs". In fact the thesis statement of the essay is not clear. Moreover, the introduction showed that u were in agreement with the topic, but u did not mention this fact apparently. U should also state the reasons why u agree with the topic. The reasons of your opinion are the issues that u are going to discuss in the body and in this way u can link the introduction to body( this part of the introduction is called "blueprint")

Writing Feedback / 'careful with ads' - advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need [2]

DO NOT copy the topic.

Open the introduction with a motivator. The introduction should include four parts: 1) Motivator: Write an interesting statement. A motivator can be a "quotation", "question", "proverb", "statistic", "description", "short story". etc. 2) Thesis statement : reword the topic. 3) Write your opinion, 4) Blueprint


Do not use this statement. Try to briefly write the reasons why you agree or disagree with the topic. In this way, the reader can find out what issues are going to be discussed in the body. This is what is called "Blueprint".


What do u want to say? U started with adverting on TV. Then u said u were overloaded with ads, and finally u talked about the fact that advertising is everywhere. This style of writing may confuse the reader. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence. Each topic sentence includes two main parts: Limited subject and precise opinion. U should mention that what subject is going to be argued in the paragraph (limited subject). A precise opinion is an opinion about the limited subject.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 : Olympic Games not playing a role in 21st century? [4]


It is very kind of you, but I'm not an expert. I am a student just like you.


The best way for improving in writing is "Reading". Try to read various texts with a variety of subjects. In this way, not only u can expand your information about diverse topics, but also it improves the grammar and vocabulary. Focus on the structures and the words used throughout the texts. In fact, reading and writing are linked.

I recommend you to read the books entitled :"focus on vocabulary" and "for and against". Another useful book which can makes you familiar with the structures of essays is "The practical writer with reading". These books are really helpful ones.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - ECONOMY OR ENVIRONMENT [3]

while others are against this idea

a growing economy in many settingsvarious aspects/facets (it would be better to mention which aspects you mean in the topic sentence)


"higher income" may be a better term

Despite the importance of reaching economic goal


In the conclusion, before stating your opinion you should reword the thesis statement to remind the reader about what you was discussing in the body. After restating the thesis statement write your opinion and finally write a clincher (ending statement)

Good luck
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'A girl who looked like a boy' - a person who makes the greatest influence in my life [4]


"overweight" is a better word.

tillso that my friends thought

I did not care about my appearance and howtheywhat other people think of methought about me

One day thea new student came to study in my schoolthe same school that I was studying at .

His name iswas Sam

he was thea hot boy that was impressed(I think "draw attention", "attract attention" , "the center of attention" are better than "impressed"


Yogurt is an uncountable word and u cannot use it with "a".


this sentence is not clear. What do you mean?

influence inon my life

Now it is your turn to reject Sam's proposal :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Participation in Extreme Sports_Table [5]


Well, look at the data. In all the extreme sports a higher percentage of males participate in extreme sports. Did you think why?? The answer is :"because of physical state of men and women". So, u can write a conclusion like this :"Overall, as men are physically stronger than women, they showed higher tendency to participate in high-risk sports based on the results stated above. "

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: School Spending_Pie Charts [5]


The same comment: "Write a general trend at the end of introduction"


before a slight reduction ofdecreasing slightly by 5% in 2001


Write this part as a new paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Participation in Extreme Sports_Table [5]


at the end of the introduction add a GENERAL TREND. U wrote it in the body where is not a good place for expressing the general trend.

I think you should rearrange the information of the body. U reported almost all the data just in one paragraph. U could classify the sports as three main parts, 1) snowboarding and skateboarding, 2) mountain biking; 3) rollerblading.

For increasing the number of words you could use some transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph. For example :"the chart/table... is also indicative of the fact that..." (9words), "The second significant point is that ..." (6 words).

I know you do not like to write a conclusion at the end, but this is an option for extending your essay.

Why do you want to increase the number of words? "152 words" is OK.

Undergraduate / Expectations of a traditional Vietnamese student [4]


the use of term "such as" is not appropriate. You should show that you are eager to attend this university. for example :"...attending one of the best universities in the US, the University of Washington"


U can not use "oldest" here because of the word "sisters" which is a plural word. . You need a comparative adj. not a superlative one.

This version has the same problem that the first one had. U did not link your sisters' educatinnal background to yours. U did not talk about the fact that how the failure of your sisters to enter a university could affect your decision to study harder.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - 'a more convenient life in a city'? [5]


mention the reasons briefly to show the body includes what issues.


What do you mean? U can have a job in a small city too. i think this is not a good support for your opinion. By the way, u did not say why you like to work in a big city. The paragraph is confusing. U could talk about more job opportunities in larger cities, for example.

ButHowever, a small town may be less developed to satisfyprovide all these kindsleisure facilitiesof needs.

there areadvertisingis everywhere in a big city and a wide variety of advertisements are available,here an there , whether onranging fromthe leaflets ortoon the big screen (u can use billboard) showing things of all sorts in commercial adszones

Undergraduate / My essay - Becoming to Information technology analysts and consultants [4]

Undergraduate / Expectations of a traditional Vietnamese student [4]

makes my family

my two oldestolder sisters

not just for me, but for my family because my success is a reflection of their efforts and it makes them happy.alsoto make my family proud.(u used "makes my family proud" previously. So, I change it to another sentence.

educational hasn't always been nearly the most important factor(what kind of factor?? it is not clear?) for me

My oldest sister graduated the in 2008


How could your sister's plan change your mind about studying? make it clear. If you even explained it before, you should restate it and remind the reader what you said before.


u used the word "proud" 11 times throughout the essay. avoid any repetition.

U should talk more about the things that motivate you to study harder. I mean, u did not link well the experiences of your sisters and the situation of your family to your success in studying.

Regards
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Thank you very much Thao. Just like other posts, these words give me positive energy. I try to keep going. I try my friend with all my soul. I know that we are here to fight against difficulties and barriers that we may face. I can do that, as I could prove it to myself by reviewing my past and the hard conditions that I could pass. I hope to maintain this positive thoughts in my mind for a long time :))

Faq, Help / How do I contact with any member in this forum? [7]

If you were a contributor or a moderator, you could be in contact with other contributors and moderators via mail. You can ask members of this forum to give you their Email addresses, if they accept your request.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Skills instead of Knowledge_Advantage and Disadvantage [17]


Yes, of course you're right. But as I said, if you practice you can. I remember that when I was preparing for the test I could not finish the task 1 and 2 during 1 hour, especially task one was realy hard for me. I wrote more than 150 essays to find how I should manage my time.

By the way, you are really good in writing, and I'm sure that you can easiliy get 7 or higher if you write like what you post in this forum

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Skills instead of Knowledge_Advantage and Disadvantage [17]

I think the essay containing 341 words is not too long. If you practice you can write even more in a short time. I wrote about 300 words for task 1 and more than 350 words for task two, and finally, after editing my works, I had 10 minutes to put my head on the desk and rest :DDD

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]

Yes, this is really interesting. I liked it.

Writing Feedback / IELT essay - causes and solutions for poor work-life balance [6]


Is this your introduction?!!!! sorry, but I cannot consider it as an introduction. An introduction should contain the following parts :
1) Motivator: Write an attractive statement at the beginning of the introduction.
2) Thesis statement: Reword the topic. A thesis statement shows the main idea of the essay
3) If this is an agree or disagree topic you should write your opinion(agree or disagree) in this part, but if it is not, you should write your opinion in the conclusion.

4) Blueprint: this connects the introduction to the body. It shows what issues are going to be discussed in the body.

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]

A short story, not a long one. Just two or three lines. U can make other paragraphs a little shorter instead. OR you have another option: as Laura_twilight said, u can delete a paragraph and elaborate on other parts.

Writing Feedback / 'Divorce' - Cause and effect essay on divorce [3]

parents' marriage

half of these children will also see the breakup of theirs parents' second marriage.---> U can change the sentence to be a little different from what you stated at the beginning (Half of American). For example you can say "more than 50% of these children ..." in this way you can change it.


For emphasizing on this fact that a bad event happened to your husband, you can replace the "it" at the end of this sentence with something like "that horrible,unforgettable event"

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Skills instead of Knowledge_Advantage and Disadvantage [17]

skills is more important and necessary than that amassing knowledge


U can write this sentence like this :" This trend may provide some questions in the mind that :"what are the positive and negative aspects of this trend?" and "does its advantages outweigh the disadvantages?


For making the example more believable, you should add some more detail to it. Where and when was the research conducted?

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]


Sorry, but the introduction is not interesting. U should open it with more attractive statement. U talked about responsibility. This is a good point, but I think it would be better to write a personal experience(in the form of a story) which showed you this fact that other people can count on you. Make it more alluring


What kind of designer? mention it


this paragraph did not talk about creativity. It shows that you are a hard working person who could learn how to draw some pictures without any classes. So, you should talk about the pictures that you design them based on your imagination and creativity. U should talk about your ability in creating new pictures that nobody can find them elswhere.


This conclusion has a problem. Before asking the question, you answered it. As I told you before, you should reword your abilities and then provide a question. U should not ask a question that you answered it before.

Writing Feedback / Which do you prefer? Being leader of group or just a simple group member. [3]




I suggest u to write this sentence like this one: "Managerial works, such as leadership of an organization, are considered as stressful works." After this sentence u can write about responsibility of leaders as a subtopic sentence.

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]


U should add the points which can drive the reader to this conclusion that you are a useful person for the community. U talked about several positive factors that you have, so reword them and finally write this :"Will I be a useful person to your community?" you may ask - my answer is -"Yes, I will"

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]


So, if you think it makes sense, do not change the paragraph. what I said was merely suggestion.


Yes, I think "I will", is better than "absolutely".

Writing Feedback / IELTS-What kind of problems can be caused by people resisting to accommodate changes? [2]


do not copy the topic.


This sentence shows that you will talk about the problems, but how about solutions. U should add another sentence with regard to the solutions to show some solutions will be suggested in the essay.


This paragraph is talking about the advantage of living with no change, whereas the topic asked you about the problems that this type of life style may provided.

In the body u did not suggest any solution. The second part of the topic is about the possible solutions.

U should organize your essay like what I wrote below:
Introduction :Motivator, thesis statement, blueprint
Body : Problems ; Solutions
Conclusion : Reword the thesis statement, then give your opinion and finally write a clincher.

Regards
Ahmad

Speeches / How To Start A Speech About Gender Roles [2]


If you use power point processor for presenting your work, dedicate one slide to cover page. Write your name, school, time (year and month), the name of course, and the title of your work, then start with the title (what you wrote above is OK). At the second slide provide a table of content. Before starting the discussion you should say something about what you are going to argue throughout the presentation.

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]


I asked why you immigrated from Russia to Vietnam to explain it in the essay not for me because you did not say any thing about this matter in the previous sentences.


This example is not tangible, in my opinion. U talked about blue, brown and black belts but these colors are understandable for you, as a Karate player, while they have no meaning for an ordinary person.


:D, The word "absolutely" bring this thing to the mind that you are an arrogant person. U should be more careful about the words when you want to say something positive about yourself.

Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]

I think you should combine these two paragraphs as one because both paragraphs are revolving around the same issue- they are about your personality, hobbies and these sort of things.


write the numbers below 10 in words. In addition u do not need to use comma after practice.



In this paragraph u tried to convey this message that you are a hard working person. For this reason, you talked about karate. But, I think you diviated from the main idea of the paragraph which is "perseverance". Stick to the point. Try to revise it and connect the concept of perseverance to your experience.


U should use a different structure for writing this sentence becasue it is similar to what you used in the previouse paragraph ( My devotion to Karate, tempered by 8 years of practice, represents that). For example u can say (just a suggestion) :" My ability in the art of origami is representative of the fact that I am a patient person."

Try to avoid using contractions such as "don't", "I'm",and the like, in writing.



I think it would be better to start the conclusion with an statement like this :"communities need people who are hard working to raise difficulties. In order to eradicate problems the individuals of a society should also be able to tolerate hard conditions, which means they must be patient people. And finally, creativity is another factor that may guarantee a society's success. I think, I have all these abilities together, and when I think about this question that "Can I be a useful person for my society?" I come to this conclusion that "YES, I can". :D

Hope you find the comments useful

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS!! To obey rules or to have less rules? How to grow up? [4]


Mention your opinion, either agree or disagree, at the end of the introduction. U should also state the reasons why you agree or disagree with the statement because the reader would find out that what issues are going to be discussed in the body if you let him/her know about the reasons (For more information google for "blueprint in writing essay")


What is the main idea of this paragraph? it is too vague and goes nowhere. Add an example and make your idea more apparent.

.affect their adult lifelives


I think you should elaborate on the paragraph and explain how they may control their senses and feelings. It is not clear.


Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'boy/girl sports activities' / 'leaving home country for abroad' -Ielts writing tasks [2]


U should consider TIME, PLACE, and GENERAL TREND in the introduction of the IELTS writing task one. Where was the investigation conducted? When? mention the studied years. Write the general trend of the data (decreasing or increasing trend)

Start each paragraph with an appropriate phrase such as "meanwhile", "Another significant fact is that ..", "the figures are also indicative of the fact that ..", and the like.

For reporting the data try to use various supporting sentences. In the essay u just put the data in the parentheses. There are different ways that you can report the results that I wrote them below :

1) Direct way : Directly mention the results in the sentence. For example :"The pie charts reveals that males spend 54% of their spare time on sport activities."

2) Non-defining clause
3) Use brackets (as u used in the essay)


Revise this sentence. It is confusing

Avoid repetition. U used "in the case" and "related to" for several times.


The introduction should start with a motivator and then write the thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Music industry and copyright reforms [2]



The question asked you about your opinion. At the end of the introduction you should clearly state your opinion. In addition, the topic is about music industries, not movies. So it would be better to avoid talking about movies because you mentioned movie industry in the thesis statement and this means that you want to write about both music and movie industries, whereas the topic is just about one of them-music industry.


Reword the thesis statement in the conclusion to remind the reader what the essay was talking about. U said positive and negative sides, but the sides of which issue did you mean?

Regards
Ahmad