Writing Feedback / "keep your hands to yourself"; SAT ( keep things private?) [2]


.... this comparison is somewhat confusing... first part talks of young children and the second part does not refer to anybody;
The common idiom "keep your hands to yourself" not only applies to kindergarten, but also to people of all ages.


I feel if this sentence is presented with more clarity... I don't say it is very confusing, but if you change the sentence structure it would flow better and would be more clear to the reader.

Graduate / I graduated in 2007; Msc petroleum engineering [10]


Ohhhhh... sorry I wan't there when you came online... Never mind, let's get on the job :)
If it is your SOP, I feel you better change its style a little bit.
They, admission guys, already know your personal details. So there's no point in telling them those details. What you need to tell them in the SOP is that why you got interested in Engineering. Then how your passion developed into a particular field of engineering (Petroleum). Tell them your background in the field; specific classes, your credentials and experience. Also talk about your extra curricular activities.

I guess you redo this and post here.... I'll keep a track on your essay and help improve it :)

Writing Feedback / To find a better job the T2 qualified people are moving to more wealthy countries - IELTS [5]

Excellent introduction :)



... I guess you can improve its presentation;
Financial benefits had been the most important reason for such migrations during the last decade.
I guess you need to give more specific examples for the reasons. In your first body para, I don't find such specific example. My advice for you is to limit the number of reasons to one for each body para and support that with a more specific example. That helps you manage time for this task too. For the above reason, you could have said;

A doctor of a developing country may be paid about five times more than what he is paid in his own country if he moves to a developed country.

Overall, a good essay and you show excellent writing skills :)

Undergraduate / My parents invest all their time, effort for me; GENETICS AND SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH [4]


I was their hope because my older sister dropped out from school; They expected me to succeed with my studies and be a role model to my youngest sister.


.... this needs re-phrasing... The sentence sounds too crowded


So, my short term goal is to complete the degree with outstanding grades and having accepted by the University of Washington, Seattle to follow cccccc (write the course you intend to follow)

Writing Feedback / I suppose that parents are really best teachers! [4]


First, parents are the first teachers in our lives. ... now give examples;
They are the people who teach us the very basics such as manners, how to speak and behave etc.


...so they have the ability to understand us better than anyone else.



So they protect us from every dangerous activity such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, violent behavior etc.

Undergraduate / MY ACADEMIC JOURNEY; SOP for UT [5]


... it's implied


....my memory runs to the time my parents filed their divorce case and the battle for custody over me. ... I feel it's better to talk about its influence on your academic interest in a little while, once you finish this story.


Well... you better tell them how this divorce affected you and then your academics. That part is not clear.


famous musician

Writing Feedback / Overpopulation of urban areas has lead to numerous problems. [2]



... I suggest;
The main reason is that every individual adds trash to the environment through his or her daily routine activities.
There are no specific examples for the reasons you list in your first body para. It is important for you to score points. My suggestion is to restrict the reasons to one per para and support it with a specific example. For the above reason you can provide an example such as;

For example, every person consumes at least two to three meals per day and each time this activity takes place, the litter would be added to trash.

Undergraduate / Journey full of obstacles and surprises; TRANSFER-Cornell,U Miami,NYU&American U. [5]


My mother was involved with marketing campaigns of a local flower shop in Cochabamba to promote their flower arrangements to a bigger clientele.


So, I was just nine when I learned from her the techniques of selling different floral arrangements to different customer segments.


.... this sentence has some grammar issues;
I enjoy the feeling of meaningful creativeness that makes people happy and contented.

Undergraduate / Crazy amounts of Chaos in my homeland -SMDEP ESSAY [3]


Coming from Sudan, what is now called North Sudan, I belong to one of the affluent Sudanese families in the upper crust of its society.


... I wish you re-phrases this slightly.... its flow getting somewhat disturbed.


I was about fourteen when I went back to Sudan for the first time.



I too agree with Didgeridoo. I find your prompt is very specific about health issues and you better pay serious attention to that :)

Writing Feedback / A cultural experience that has given me the greatest satisfaction [2]


... sure we would :)


Well this is fine in terms of grammar and clarity. There's no doubt you are very good with your English writing skills. However, I feel you can present this with more creatively. Add some feelings and emotions to your writing. This is one of your greatest experiences. So give that sense from the very first opening sentence itself. The reader is more interested to know your story than the statistical information. For them, data sounds boring, but your experiences matter more and interesting.

If you read the following essay, you'd understand what I mean;
https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-essays-2/am-combat-enemy- stealthy-fast-skilled-college-app-49300/
May be this essay is written for a different purpose, but she has presented her case in a very interesting manner. So, begin your essay with more punch. I know you can do it easily! :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; We must admit young people in the past were more innocent [4]


What I meant was when you start a new thread for TOEFL tasks you need to post them under "Writing Feedback" forum. Here's how you do it;

Click on the "New Thread" which appears in black on top of the right hand side of the screen. Then you'll be navigated to a new screen for typing your essay. On the very top (left hand side) you can see the "Forum" and by default "Undergraduate Essays" is selected. There click on the arrow and select "Writing Feedback" forum.

Also if you need to read the essays written on TOEFL topics, you can search them using the search option. Just type "TOEFL" and you get loads of essays. Reading others' essays and the comments provided for them by others is another good way to progress :)

Scholarship / excellent academic history; PhD scholarship/Why deserve? [3]


[i]But now that the road is paved for me;[/i]


My suggestion;
To compliment that I have a sound track record;


.... very true... but with your writing you can convince them about your talents and passion etc. :)

Undergraduate / I was represening both my beliefs and people; TRANSFER- Letter of Motivation [3]

Well.... I think you need to talk more about your professional goals,both short and long term, the course you going to study, how you'd expect to contribute to your community etc.

I found a web site that gives some guideline about how to write a letter of motivation. However, they have more emphasis on German unis.... I feel it's worth having a look at i;

ic.daad.de/imperia/md/content/islamabad/letter_of_motivation.pdf

Graduate / ECM program promises to be enriching ;Motivation letter -Energy technology [3]

Well.... seems you cover important features of letter of motivation, however, it looks a little bit crowded :(
As far as I know, the letter of intent speaks more about your professional goals, how you'd expect to contribute to your community, nation etc., what courses you intend to study, what are your credentials and skills for pursuing it etc.

I found two web sites that give some guidelines as to how you write a letter of motivation. I feel it's worth having a look at them;

ic.daad.de/imperia/md/content/islamabad/letter_of_motivation.pdf
motivationalletter.com
Also, leave one blank line in between the paras so that your essay would have a more tidy look :)

Essays / For Significant Experience Can I Write about My School Educational Tour? [12]


I wish you had a better link with these two lines;
Though Nepal is predominantly a Hindu country, its diverse communities together with other religious followers such as Muslims, Christians and Buddhists add a lot to its vibrant diverse culture. This is why I am keen on contributing my share to protect its rich cultural heritage without being a blind imitator of western cultures.


.... I feel you need to change the order of this;
I still vividly remember that day; 19th February 2010. It was the night of Sherpa Losar , a Tibetan term for the New Year, Eve CelEbrations. I was the youngest in my group of twelve dances who wer going to perform a Sherpa Cultural Dance.

Writing Feedback / In university, we can augment our knowledge; why go to university? [4]

Alright... Good to know that.... When you post your TOEFL essays mention that and also include your prompt. That would help you grab attention of other people more. Also, post them under "Writing Feedback" category.

Essays / struggle through the tides; Need help for me to improve my inspirational book [5]


well... you want to write and inspiring book that would encourage Nigerian students. Also you talk about your research and that part is a bit confusing for me.... What had been the research you've done? which area? what was the objective?

If you need the book to be inspiring, then it need to have lots of creativity. Present your ideas clearly with more emotions and feelings. If you tell us the theme of this book, then we may be able to provide you with more ideas.

Essays / Broken food system is something that is impossible to solve [2]


For me, as the way your topic appears you need to first discuss about the "broken food system" .... In your introduction explain this issue to the reader. You can find many websites if you google under this topic. I found the following and it seems quite interesting;

/en/pressroom/pressrelease/2011-05-31/broken-food -system-environmental-crises-spell-hunger-millions

Then you need to emphasize the business issues that you are going to discuss.... I guess you need to do a little bit of research on this topic and find out good arguments. Once you do your draft, post it here so that we can give our feedbacks :)

Letters / I decided to focus on the wind energy; PhD COVER LETTER- Renewable Energy [4]


I wish you re-phrased this line....
"guided by a strong will"? .... I feel this does not convey your idea properly because a will cannot guide but gives courage to continue without giving up!.... I guess it should be "with a strong will" . Also I guess you were keen on making a contribution to the renewable energy sector. So, I feel you need to rephrase this to give its right effect.


I would be glad to contribute with my knowledge, experience and potential

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Home schooling Vs Learning at schools - Which is better? [4]

Hi,
First, you should post your IELTS essays under "writing feedback" forum if you expect more comments :)




... you need to pay lots of attention to spelling!
child is singular and its plural is children/ there's no word "childs"


... this has several spelling mistakes... take this very seriously and have this problem rectified
My suggestion;
Schools are specialized institutions for providing education. Their resource capacity and capability are aspects that is hard to match by home schooling.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; We must admit young people in the past were more innocent [4]


This is too long... Remember, this exam has a major bearing on time management. So it is good to practice with time.... Follow the easy essay structure, the 4 para structure, and practice accordingly with time. 4 Paras include;

Introduction - Introduce the topic and express your opinion
Body para 1; First reason for your opinion + one specific example for that
Body para 2; 2nd reason + example
Conclusion; Sum up everything said above


Your introduction i s too lengthy for this task... :)


... this sounds too stereotype thinking... If people of older generations were not clever we wouldn't have achieved such great advancement in technology.... I guess the man had been always clever.


.... they are usually very self-centered and reluctant to lend a hand to others.

Undergraduate / Everyone needs a moment of clarification; UT- SOP [4]

It's good if you posted the prompt such as "topic of choice" or "significant achievement" etc.... Then we would have an idea as to comment in line with those expected features.


.... I suggest you to rephrase this slightly;
Throughout our lives we get opportunities to make a difference, to adapt in new environments and to change ourselves.


... this sentence is too long and therefore it doesn't flow very well. I suggest you to rephrase it.



I wish if you do not complicate your sentence with too many words that give a sort of crowded feeling to your idea.... Tell things in a simple, yet interesting tone. The first part really does not reveal much to the reader although you have included too many things there. Don't have your writing too crowded

Undergraduate / I have been interested in computers and other electrical devices;TOPIC OF MY CHOICE [4]

Well... I feel you should be able to fit into this story. Your answer to this prompt needs to have substance and tell those admission guys something about you. So, I feel you should limit all these to about two lines and no more. And then quickly bring in yourself and start revealing things about you.

Try the following link for a sample answer on this prompt... I guess it'd help you get an idea about what I mean;

Undergraduate / Small businesses are the engine of the economy; TRANSFER/CORNEL&UCHICAGO [3]


As a twelve year old Jamaican xxxx resident, I've understood that small businesses make up the engine of the economy.


... the latter part makes it sound confusing :(
Were you guys able to save it from near bankruptcy ? I'm not clear about this :(


... This line is too long and that messes up your flow :(
Next time post your topic or the prompt :)
Good luck!

Undergraduate / Issue of importance essay: Dishonesty in Sports! [5]


My pride was shattered, but I was certainly not letting them get away with it.



.... well... when you say "dear to my heart", you generally mean something that you hold on to very profoundly. But in this case it is something that hurts your feelings. So this is my suggestion;

However, the level of foul play in these sports is an issue that keeps worrying my heart.


and I lived by this policy.

Undergraduate / I am in combat. The enemy is stealthy, fast, and skilled; College App [6]


.... awesome :)


Very inspiring writing!


It's great if we had your prompt, I guess it is something like "significant challenge" .... However, this is very high standard of writing and you are such a gifted person. I wish you all the best with your application and all your future endeavors.

Good Luck!

Essays / ROLE OF EDUCATION IN A DEVELOPED COUNTRY [3]


I feel you can present this idea with a better punch. What do you really mean by patterns and orders? It's not very clear. I guess you better first talk how acquiring new knowledge had been helpful for the evolution of mankind and then link knowledge to education as a method of acquiring and sharing knowledge.


... again the last part is confusing.... "economic scale"?
Your topic is specific to developed countries.... So include something to that effect... You need to keep an alignment with the topic always.

Graduate / I am studying Socio-Cultural Business; MA in Media Studies, Motivation letter [4]


Combine the two lines;
I would like to express my desire to follow the Master degree in Media Culture at your uuuuuu (uni name) in 2013/14 batch.



Well... letter of motivation must have more emphasis on your professional goals, courses you are going to follow, how you are going to contribute to the society etc. It should not be a list of your credentials, skills or experiences. I recommend you to visit the following website to get an insight as to how you should structure this;

://ic.daad.de/imperia/md/content/islamabad/letter_of_motivation.p df

Writing Feedback / Vaule of Money & Hardwork: work experience [9]


sure.... what's the thread?

Letters / I'm well qualified; COVER LETTER(postdoctoral position-organic chemistry) [4]


I guess you need to rearrange the order of your sentences. Finish talking about your studies and PhD thesis and then express your keenness on employment.


My research interests are with enantioselective organocatalysis, CH-activation and heterocyclic chemistry and this is the reason why I find your research team very attractive. In addition my findings through the reviews in your publications confirmed me that MacMillan organocatalysis is an exceptionally fruitful research area. Moreover, I was very impressed with the exciting lecture delivered by Prof. «first & last name», who developed an asymmetric imidazolidinone-catalyzed hydroacylation of unactivated alkenes.

Graduate / I graduated in 2007; Msc petroleum engineering [10]

Is this your Statement of Purpose? or Letter of Motivation?

Writing Feedback / toefl - independence from parents, or living with family? [7]


... awesome start :) ... very nice!


Can young adults judge the right time for them to be independent?


... I'm favoring the word "Can" to "are" :D
Very impressive introduction. However, I wish you express your view on this in the intro itself. Then your examiner would be navigated in your desired direction :)


... the right word is "guide"
Your writing skills are excellent. However, you should pay attention to the desired structure for this task. Your body paras should include specific examples for your reasoning.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / In university, we can augment our knowledge; why go to university? [4]

What's the purpose of this essay? Is it a common app question or an essay you have written for IELTS or TOEFL practice? Better tell us, so that we can align our comments with your purpose :)


.... This sentence does not give a clear idea about what you really mean.


.... this idea you can tell in a more simple, yet interesting way;
Today, it is not very difficult for one to pursue his or her dream career because of easy accessibility to the universities.
Overall, I think you should come up with better arguments... You can google and find many good points for this essay.

Writing Feedback / Is it more important to study history and literature than to study science and maths? [5]


You start the essay with expressing your opinion. However, it is better to introduce your topic to the reader and then state your opinion. You need to assume that reader does not have any knowledge about what you are going to discuss. In this essay you do not introduce your topic at all and answer directly to the prompt.


.... well.... I think this does not sound logical... How about a professional actor or a singer? Or even a janitor? I think you need to come up with a better argument.

Graduate / The process of learning is never-ending; Letter of Motivation For Micro-electronics [3]

Hi,
I see you write very well.... However, I feel your answer need to have more emphasis on cetain features that the letter of intent requires. As far as I know, the letter of intent speaks more about your professional goals, how you'd expect to contribute to your community, nation etc., what courses you intend to study, what are your credentials and skills for pursuing it etc.

I found a web site that gives some guideline about how to write a letter of motivation. However, they have more emphasis on German unis.... I feel it's worth having a look at i;

//ic.daad.de/imperia/md/content/islamabad/letter_of_motivation.pd f

Graduate / I graduated in 2007; Msc petroleum engineering [10]

Hi Yasir,


... sure, but need to have a look at your prompt... what's the purpose of this writing?

Writing Feedback / Teachers' performance should be evaluated by students; 'biased judgment' [7]


This sentence is too lengthy; It disturbs your flow :( .... This is your opening sentence and you should start your essay with a good punch :) .... Break it up to two ;

Teacher's job differs from other professions due to its unique characteristics. Effectiveness of a teacher depends on many qualities he or she possesses; A good teacher should invariably be inspiring, patient, caring, fair minded, disciplined, dedicated etc. ... My suggestion is that limit one idea to one sentence. What is more important is the clarity of your idea and how well you present it.

I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, you need to improve on your essay structure too.... You need to have at least 4 paras that include introduction, 2 body paras and a conclusion.

Undergraduate / I have always been besan, a plain Indian flour!; PERSUASIVE ESSAY [4]


... This is really interesting :)


... that's very obvious with this piece of writing :)


I think this a concern that you need to pay attention. I too find that you are a prolific writer, but you drag on an aspect (your plainness) that some might find with negativity. I think you should quickly come to this point;


... this is a strong idea... start capitalizing on this and give more emphasis to this point :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Should government pay for looking after old aged people [2]


... good start :)


.... latter part disturbs your flow.


.... In my personal view, it is more interesting when you use direct speech in this type of essays, rather than using passive voice.
For example;


Some people believe that it is the government's responsibility to look after their elderly parents.
You should give some candid examples for your reasoning to convince the reader. In this task, it is expected and you'd earn marks for your specific examples. :)

One more point; Since this case is specific to India as you say on the top of your essay, you can touch on the cultural aspect as well :)

Writing Feedback / Civilized behavior is one of the most valuable traditions of ancient Chinese good moral [5]

I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL.


... I suggest you the word "indifferently" for this idea!


In your introduction, you come close to what your topic means but fails to introduce it in its right sense. In the introduction you need to introduce your topic to the reader and state your opinion on the argument. It is always better that you keep a proper alignment with your topic and convey your ideas more direct. :)


... This is my suggestion;
First, being polite is a good thing for a society because it helps its people to live in peace and harmony by avoiding unnecessary clashes.