Writing Feedback / Checkmate, pawns, troops, bishop, queen, strategy - essay [4]


The general scanned the sixteen muted troops under his command.
just an idea

Consider putting the italicized stuff in the present verb tense.

What I found out was that winning is not as important, but rather the knowledge of my own capacity to beat anyone I want, no matter how good.---- ha ha, I have to warn you, this seems like just another way of saying winning is what is important! :-) You might want to go a little deeper in your contemplation of what this means... it is true that a little training can make you able to beat anyone, and this means that skill is sort of superficial. But there is a meditative state of mind that has no limit, and it may be even more meaningful than the EMPOWERMENT to which you refer.

This is very well written, and showing appreciation for chess is impressive. But make a connection between chess and your intentions for the future!

Undergraduate / "My life experiences have made me who I am" - UW Milwaukee admission [3]

My life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and interests will enrich the community of The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Don't just list things like this. Make a statement. It is better to make one meaningful statement about YOUR UNIQUE OUTLOOK than it is to list a hundred words like this.

Tell the reader about 2 of your most important goals in that intro paragraph.

End that intro paragraph with a sentence that tells the main point of the whole essay.

My life experiences have made me who I am today.--- too obvious. This is the kind of thing you THINK of when you brainstorm, but it is too obvious to include in the essay. Waste no words. Each paragraph should express one idea. So... what are the 3 or 4 ideas you want to express to support the MAIN IDEA?

:-)

Undergraduate / "My father's presence" - a person who has had a significant influence on your life [4]


This whole essay is great, but this intro is awkward, very awkward.
If our identities are shaped by the influences of...

...these others would cease to be differentiated from oneself. ----- Thich Nhat Hanh got a word added to the dictionary: "interbeing."

Important idea: revise this sentence so that it expresses the answer to their prompt question or so that it expresses the main theme of the essay. You have to have a sentence that expresses the main truth of the essay, and it is useful to put it at the end of the first paragraph. It's the soul of the essay.

one word: cannot

This will be well received! You are obviously smart.

Undergraduate / "Sticks and Stones" - Common Application Essay for New York University. [7]


This sentence seems unhelpful, and it might not even be accurate. (For example, some Buddhists say the Buddha is still in training!)

what about this one: Life is all about growing up and becoming not only a better person but a better citizen through the experiences and challenges faced throughout life.--- I think it is too complex and wordy... and it raises a question of what it means to be a good citizen rather than just a good person. I think, actually, that you can replace this intro with something entirely different...

Reread the essay, and think of a new intro sentence. That is just my humble idea for you; I just don't like the first 2 sentences.

As soon as I stepped in middle school, I had an experience that taught me about _________: I was labeled without anyone getting to know the real me. (fill in the blank. I added one of their key words, "experience" so that they will see that you are answering the prompt.)

:-)

Undergraduate / "Warrior Nation" - UIUC Extra curricular essay [3]

Use paragraphs.

End the first paragraph, and take the opportunity at the end of the paragraph to give a sentence that sums up the message you want the reader to remember. Right now, the essay is like an arrow with no arrowhead. Do a paragraph break, and stab the reader with that memorable thesis statement!

:-)

Essays / Topic ideas: Is Sustainability a " real " concept? [4]

Of course it is a real concept! Applied to the body, sustainability refers to your ability to stay alive. Applied to the planet, it refers to our ability to avoid destroying the planet or exhausting resources.

In order to write about this, you have to discuss what one might mean when they use the word "real."

But truly, it is possibly the only important concept... so obviously it is real.

Book Reports / An attempt to capture a good analyzation of 'the flowers' by alice walker, [2]


This is confusing! Let's reword it for clarity:
An analysis of the life which Myop leads reveals her pleasant personality and pure innocence.--- no commas are necessary.

This is incomplete:
until she veers off from the safe direction which had been paved for her by her mother, within standards of safety.
Add a beginning to the sentence:
This continues to enjoy her experience only until she veers off from the safe direction, which had been paved for her by her mother within standards of safety.

:-)

As she pulls her foot away , there comes visible where once teeth had existed, as well as farmer's overalls, remaining threads of material withered away.

Undergraduate / "The experience with Roberto" - MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCE [6]

...little did I know that this day would influence my future prospects (you can replace these words with any words you like... so get excited about it! These words are weak and ambiguous. Replace them with words that get the reader in the right state of mind to catch the truth you are about to express.

I am not sure right now."----Okay, and after the experience you have a new attitude, a new perspective. What is it? I can't tell you what the best way to end the essay is, but I can tell you that you should answer this sort of question with several answers instead of one. You can have multiple careers.

Undergraduate / Why it is Important to Practice before a Presentation (Personal Persuasive Narrative) [3]

This sentence below says something you already said:


It might be good to replace this sentence with one that lists a few of the reasons or a few specific ways to practice. Well, you know what I mean: it would be good to list a few ideas covered in the essay.

It was the day----instead, consider this:
I learned the importance of rehearsing presentations on the day...

I just knew everyone thought I was a idiot as they observed the way I stumbled quickly over the facts on the pyramid poster.

My face burned a fiery red as I hacked my brain, trying to find something else to say. --- ha ha, you are a good writer, though!

Undergraduate / Engineering, Computer science (background, project, extra curricular)SOP US admission [2]


This will be better if it says a few specific things. Maybe you should name your two favorite areas in this sentence...

Also, do not say "strengthen my academic proficiency," because you have more meaningful goals than that. Talk about becoming prepared for a particular kind of work that you intend to do.

As final year project, i was a member --- capitalize that I

Another typo: I hav enjoyed the experience

My idea for you: At least three times in the essay, mention the specific kinds of work you hope to do in the future and/or the specific courses you are most excited about. That is how you show your vision for the future.

Undergraduate / Deaf at Age 5-UF Admissions Essay [3]

Imagine your life as a deaf person, unable to hear, surrounded by a sea of faces and mobile mouths forming words beyond comprehension.

You are skilled at writing, and these are some very nicely constructed sentences and paragraphs. You tell the story well, but I have a feeling it would be better if the story was condensesto take up only half the amount of sentences. You can omit many of the details. The important thing is to move on to include a RELATED topic involving something that happened when you were a bit older -- something else that compelled you toward your chosen field.

And this is not quite right ...I may someday discover a cure for deafness. There are various causes, so it seems too simplistic to say "cure for deafness," but you can say something more general about empowering people to overcome disabilities.

I hope that helps!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing - Should the reports of detailed crime be banned? [3]

That first paragraph needs at least 1 more sentence to help explain your argument. Add a sentence that tells the MEANING of your whole essay.

You did a great job with this essay. I'll make a small change: What's more, the thorough reports may instruct potential criminals about what mistakes they will possibly make before committing a crime and thus turn them into more skilled professionals in accomplishing what they plan to do; as a result, the crime rate will be driven up.----- I only added one word. This is really written very well.

Is the ielts difficult? I think you will do well even if it is difficult.

In this way, the public is taught to distinguish between the right and the wrong and to apply the law after knowing it. These are beneficial for the construction of a law-abiding society.

Undergraduate / Villanova: Quality you will contribute "Patience" [2]

You write beautifully; this is really enjoyable to read. There is something I can help with, though... teaching you how to aim.

Look at all the different statements you make:
- our swimsuits were filled with sand...we were content.
- Each day was the same during my summers
- My grandpa never ceases to amaze me with his generosity and acceptance of others.
- Things have changed since my childhood though.

And you make a lot more statements, but the whole time, the AO reader will be looking for an answer to the question they posed. I don't think you use the word lesson in the essay at all.

So... I like all the content and I especially like your writing style, but try this format for clarity:
say it
explain it
say it again.

Tell about the lesson in the intro, I guess is what I'm saying.

:-0

Undergraduate / "not having a father figure" - meaningful event, experience or accomplishment [5]

Capitalize the first word of the quoted sentence:
replied, "He's gone!"

... her, "What...

Statistically, the likelihood of a child within such a household achieving success, or even graduating from high school, is dismal at best.--- If you are going to assert this, it's important to cite a real statistic or two. They are easy to find via Google.

Suggestion: state that your mom became a single parent, and explain it in only a sentence or two. As soon as possible in the essay, get to the part of the story where you began to learn and change, appreciate new strengths or interests that you develop. That is the important part.

And at the end, use some of their key words... any of these: student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

:-)

Student Talk / Machine translation and its ability to produce absolute rubbish [2]

Ann, thanks for sharing that. As a monolingual person, I wondered how accurate babelfish was!! Well, it is nice that human translators will probably always be necessary, because language is as complex as we are.

Undergraduate / "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory" - Brown supplement [5]


This theme is great, but you can do better. If you speculate about what the significance of it might be, you'll raise questions about more things you do not know. You write beautifully, so use your talent:

Compound the Theme
Extend this by adding 3 more paragraphs of self-analysis to see what this habit reflects about human nature or you particularly, and then condense the whole essay back down to size.

Just an idea... it is already great the way it is, but I wanted to make sure you know you're allowed to compound the theme.

Undergraduate / Help/Suggestions for CA Prompt 1 - "I killed a Bird" [7]

It's great... the intro is swift and intriguing, and the story part is told in a way readers can really enjoy. It is difficult to create an autobiographical essay people can enjoy but you did it. Here is the only part I don't like:

I strive to become a physicist ... yuck... the word strive is always melodramatic. And it is important to say your goal is something more than becoming a physicist. You'll have a specialization, so discuss what that might be.

:-)

Undergraduate / North Korea lacks democracy and meritocracy - "Issue of importance" [4]

These two paragraphs should probably be merged as one:
of the worst human rights records of any nation. For example, North Koreans sent to prison camps for crimes committed against the regime...

This is great. I am lucky to get this opportunity to read about N. Korea as you write about it from your unique perspective.

Suggestion: take some of the topics from the body paragraphs and list them in an introductory sentence. Put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

If you do that, the reader will be able to really benefit from all the topics you cover, because your introductory sentence will have listed the various concepts to be covered and why they relate to the main point of the essay.

***The intro para and conclusion para are both very short. Those 2 paragraphs should contain the essence of the whole thing... your main point. And your main point is important enough to deserve to have at least 4 or 5 sentences written about it in the conclusion. :-)

I changed that topic heading so that it would reflect the theme of the essay a little better!

Writing Feedback / 'Lose your concentration, lose the game': Extracurricular Activity [4]


This is the part that I think could be improved. "play a substantial role" is a lot of fluff with little meaning. Honor, grace, and virtue are abstractions. Let's end the essay by saying something specific about how the zanshin ... concentration... golf samhadi... say something specific about how the meditative precision of golf prepares you for meditative precision in the work you might do in college and as a professional.

Undergraduate / "Love for all kind of sports" - extracurricular activities, common application. [4]

I also did Aikido, diving, circus, and 3 years of gymnastics because I like being able to do various things,---- actually, this does not sound like a meaningful thing so say. It's better to say something about your outlook on life, or your attitude, etc. instead of just saying it is because you like to be able to do various things.

...to a cross-country (race?). ---- yes, you should write: cross country race.

I did learn a lot throughout this experience. --- this last sentence could be better.. if you add a specific idea or example.

Writing Feedback / The unsuspecting wayfarer [5]


Ha ha, its is funny to think of them as a band, as though we Robin Hood ourselves around through the forest.

**Note to writers: Ordinarily, it is improper to use "Robin Hood" as a verb; the above sentence is nonstandard use of the word "Robin hood."

Well thanks, Rajiv. And those words you said you liked... those aren't mine! It was a reference to the song Wayfaring Stranger, which your title reminded me of.

Undergraduate / "been surrounded by nature" - Yale - significant experience that shaped your outlook [5]

This sentence has a "blank," too:
I don't know how long I might have missed out had it not be for that day two years ago.----- the end is blank. "that day two years ago" has no face, no substance. But you can replace it with "the day my dad introduced me to the wilderness." If you do that, it will have crazy personality because of the coolness of the word wilderness.

At the end...maybe it can be something about understanding your place in nature.

This is some good description of excellent scenery... nice use of "sun-dappled."

Undergraduate / Dolly Parton - some of your favorie books,songs etc (CHICAGO SUPPLEMENT) [5]

It is was at these parties that I grew to love the music of Dolly Parton. ( I think a sentence needs to be added here at the end of the first (very short) paragraph. Add a sentence that tells the "moral of the story," the theme).

We had an old radio that played both vinyl discs and audio tapes, and this supports my thesis because______( add to this TOPIC SENTENCE so that it tells the main idea of the paragraph, which should support the thesis argument).

I really like your description and reflection!! Those two ideas for the intro and topic sentence (above) are all I've got for you. Even if you submitted it this way, I think it is already impressive.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Perspective on Team Work - A group working or individual work? [3]

It'll be better if you say "people" instead of men.

lthough some may find that being a part of a team can be distracting or time-consuming at times, I will argue that its advantages clearly outweigh those minor inconveniences. (Right after this sentence, you might want to add a thesis statement that tries to capture in a single sentence the main theme of the essay... what you want the reader to remember.)

Oh... I just noticed Rajiv's idea... yes, that is the most important advice!!! Show that you recognize the importance of people sometimes working alone. For example, I tried to play a game of chess once with 2 people on each team. that did not go well!!!

For the above stated reasons, I find no other stance but to be a complete protagonist for team work. It not only enhances the overall performance, but also assists in reducing the work load and allows inexperienced employees to get a head start on their career.--- as long as there is good communication and a "common mental model."

I give this a 4, because it is a thoughtful argument but it neglects the other side of the question, which Rajiv encouraged you to look into. :-)

Essays / Research paper and topic on six sigma [7]


I don't understand what you mean.

Are you responsible for writing a report all about six sigma? If so, just start writing. Write about what one journal article says, then another, and then another.

Write several paragraphs, and do not worry about if they flow together well.

After you have written several paragraphs, go back and write an intro that gives a thoughtful THESIS STATEMENT which will be the theme for the report.

But do not worry about that right now. For now, just write one sentence about six sigma, and then explain that sentence with a few more. That'll be one of the body paragraph. Does this help?

Graduate / My business in the healthcare industry-Health Informatics Statement of Personal Goals [7]

The first sentence is uninteresting. Can you precede it with a sentence that surprises the reader or plants an idea in the mind?

I went on to work for a small consulting firm where I worked on projects as a team lead and application architect.--- this is not the way to end the first para. Add a sentence at the beginning and end of the first para! :-)

The first sentence of para #1 hooks the attention, and the last sentence of para #1 should sum up the main idea that you want the reader to remember.

It is not necessary for you to follow that advice, but I think in this case it would help. Everyone writes in different ways, though...so it is wrong of me to talk about that as though that is the way you are SUPPOSED to write. But try it! :-)

Three years later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I took care of her during the entire treatment, and this occurrence sparked my interest in health care. ---I extended this so that it, as a paragraph's topic sentence, would be relevant to the main idea of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "science and art" - stanford intellectual vitality [5]

Let's make a subtle change to strengthen the way it addresses the prompt:
As for myself, Now that I have experienced XXXXXXXX, I find solace in the beauty of the black widow's intricate weave as well as enlightenment in the study of Kandinsky's use of shape and line.

What do you call the experience?

:-)

Graduate / "Raised in a resource poor region" - Essay to Masters of Public Administration [5]

Great, great intro paragraph.

I first discovered my interest in the human services arena through my work with Somali Disabled Association in 1986. ----impressive!

I found work in the health and human service sector to be more satisfying as a career, and through my experiences...

Mohamoud, this is a real accomplishment, and you did a great job of making the reader understand your motives. You seem to have real passion for making a difference in the world!

Essays / being assaulted: is this a topic of interest (safety of students on college campus) [3]


Yes, that is right. Sometimes it seems like instead of writing a quality essay people are using the essay writing as an opportunity for some therapy... expressing themselves for personal reasons instead of putting together a strong essay.

Write about being assaulted, but make it a means to an end. Make it so that the essay is actually about something more.

:-)

Undergraduate / My Interest in the Business World of Investments Essay #1 UI at Urbana Champiagn [2]

There are only a few memories in a person's life that spark a passion which persists throughout one's entire life . ----- I needed to get rid of the redundant part.

Mother is not a proper noun when you use it this way: When my Mother mother and I finally arrived at my ...

It sounds like you seek wealth, luxury, and importance. Can you write a few paragraphs that make the reader aware of what you think makes life meaningful and what is really important to you? There are other ways to be important and wealthy, so you must love something about investment... something that you can capture in words, and make the reader share in your enthusiasm.

An essay of 300 words can be 3 paragraphs long! One intro, one body, one conclusion.

:-)

Scholarship / "Seek knowledge even as far as China" - Global Exchange Scholarship (chemical eng) [4]

Add a sentence to this short first paragraph:
It has been my obsession to broaden my knowledge both in academic terms and life experiences. My interests include ________, _________, and _________, so it is important for me to spend the next few years _______ (doing what).

:-)

Say United States instead of USA

Pursuing master degree abroad relates with my goals, because I can participate in r esearch in industrial process especially in bioprocess engineering.

I think it answers the prompt quite well, but if you establish even MORE goals for yourself you can go into GREATER DEPTH in the discussion of how these next few years can help you achieve them.

Undergraduate / Explinations of why "the past follows you" in Oedipus Rex [2]

That first para needs another sentence added to it! Add a thesis statement that expresses, in a single sentence, the main message of the essay. What does it all amount to?

When there is an exclamation mark, the punctuation can go inside the quotes:
and of mine!'' (38)
It is a funny exception to the rule.

In Oedipus at Colonus, Polyneices has come to ask his father to bless him, and this supports the argument made in this paper because _____________. (Make each topic sentence clearly support the main argument of the paper.)

That last para needs to be longer, too. Develop the paper's main idea with the first and last sentences of paragraphs. :-)

Undergraduate / "patience, tolerance, and acceptance" - contribute to the diverse community? -Rutgers [3]

Great first sentence.

When you say aspects, you have to say "aspects of (something)"

Many aspects factors affect who we are, from languages, to traditions,to clothing. In my life, my heritage has shaped the person I am today. I come from a very sundry background. My mother is from the heart of Southeast Asia, Thailand, and my father

I really like a lot of your writing about the countries with which you are familiar...

Not only will Rutgers provide me with a higher education but also a broader insight to the cultures of the world. I intend to be a productive member or society who displays characteristics of patience, tolerance, and acceptance towards other cultures. ---- This is nicely written but I want to know more about your specific aspirations. Your aspirations are where your enthusiasm comes from, and enthusiasm is the best thing to contribute at Rutgers or any school.

Undergraduate / "being an American citizen is a privilege" - PEACE CORPS ADMISSION ESSAY 1 [2]

I feel Being an American citizen is a privilege and results in a sense of accountability for future citizens.
very good sentence!! I want to get rid of those 2 first words, though.
I come from a family whom where actions personify exemplify this philosophy.

...he told me to look into the Peace Corps and hung up. --- wow, this is interesting!!

I am willing to propel myself into a new culture and learn from the world. --- another great sentence.

You write very well! Make this longer, and tell a little more about your own interests and aspirations.

Undergraduate / "Bad economic times are coming!" - Common App (experience, risk, dilemma) [4]

no need to stop the " " quotes:
Bad economic times are coming! Worst time since the depression!" recited my...

listening to newscasters repeat what my father said that night. (right here, you might want to add a thesis statement that answers their question about what your significant experience was)


very good observation.

Can you talk about the significant experience more clearly? And it would be great if you could talk about it as something that influenced you toward plastic surgery. Most people think of it as "cosmetic surgery, but that is not what plastic sugary is all about.

Undergraduate / Values, physical strenght, well-being: FSU essay on the values of "Vires" [2]


Life is repeated in a redundant way here:
Be confidently succinct: In my life, I believe that "Vires" is a Latin concept that is a big part of my everyday life and represents the person I have become.

But don't say "latin concept"
"Vires" is a big part of my everyday life and represents the person I have become, in the sense that ______________. -----now that we cut out the fluff, you have room to add some real substance to the sentence. Give a few words that sum up the way vires is reflected in your life.

Physical strength is also an important value to uphold, --- no, not a value.
...and in my life I like to believe I am physically strong.--- no, no, don't include this.

I fell feel that having strong intellect can get you the farthest in life.

I want you to think of five profound ideas that you want to share with the reader about vires. Do it with an idea of wanting to benefit the reader by sharing your ideas. These 5 ideas must be important ones, so important that you feel the need to include them all in this short essay. What are your 5 most important ideas about strength?

hint: I bet at least 2 of them have some influence over the decisions you are making about chosen major and career.

:-)

Undergraduate / "On The Road Less Traveled By" - Persuasive Personal Narrative [2]


...because the danger of becoming lost is not outweighed by the positive experiences.

Italics would be good here:
Don't panic, I thought to myself. You've been here a million times. You're just at an unusual angle, that's all. So I went to edge of the...

The forest was changing on me like a wiggling bucket of Jell-O!--- great writing here... I don't think Jello needs that hyphen, though.

You did a great job with this. Is it possible to use the conclusion to turn "getting lost in the forest" into a metaphor with implications for other aspects of life? For example, it there a universal principle at work that makes us go astray if we do not adhere to that yellow brick road?

For ideas, google this: wizard of oz theme analysis symbolism

:-)

Undergraduate / Credible college + earning a meaningful degree - Purdue Undergrad Essay [4]


This sentence should specify what field you want to enter and what your specialization might be. even if you are not sure, or if it might change, give an idea about what you might become an expert in.

At the start of high school, I was unsure what I wanted to do with my life after graduation. ---- this is not a good sentence to use to begin a paragraph.

It has been quite a struggle for me choosing where to apply to and what type of degree I want to receive. -- this is bad, too. Why include these confessions? I don't like this paragraph.

Coming from a family where neither ... four years that I have attended high school. --- what is all this? You write very well, but I think you are not writing about the best topics. Write about this:

how your Purdue education would support the attainment of your personal and/or professional goals

Good news: you are a good writer
Bad news: this whole essay needs to be rewritten so that it tells about your specific goals and the ways the profs, resources, and program at this school will help you achieve your goals.

Graduate / Autobiography (Taiwan and Canada) and SOP (the physical world) graduate admissions [2]


Give this sentence some examples (i.e. a list of class topics separated by commas).

With that bio, you nailed it. You did a great job, and I think any reader would be impressed.

This intro paragraph for the SOP is not so good, though, by my estimation:
Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated by the principles and theories behind the way things work in the physical world. Now, I am a firm believer that everything can be explained by mathematics and physics. Of the many ...engineers face every day and, therefore, convinced me that this is the path that I want to take. ----- This paragraph is full of facts about you, but I think it needs to focus on ONE message that is the main idea... your PURPOSE. Can you express your purpose in a single sentence? That is hard to do, but try to express your purpose in a single sentence at the end of this SOP intro paragraph.

Try to move some of the other content around if possible, and revise it so that every sentence of the intro para supports its main idea.

One trick I would possibly use is to take that conclusion paragraph and extend it, and use it as your intro. That way, the current intro para would become paragraph 2, and you would need to write a new conclusion.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The mayor views on new automobile manufacturing plant: GRE argument essay [2]

Here is a good place to use a colon:
...and only focused on its most conspicuous negative quality: the fact that...

Therefore, the need for manual workers will be minimal, if any. --- not really correct...
Therefore, the need for manual workers will be minimal, and maybe no workers will needed at all.
Nah!! I think it is better so scratch it:
Therefore, the need for manual workers will be minimal. if any.

I don't know how the rating system works (don't know the criteria), but I think you made a strong argument. If I had to guess, though... 5. I would give you a 6 if the first and last paragraphs were longer and better developed. :-) Revise the first and last paragraphs so that if they were the only thing the reader got to read they would make your point quite well.