Undergraduate / ARCHITECTURE/ WHAT SPECIFIC ASPECTS OF SMITH C WILL BETTER MEET MY ACADEMIC GOALS [3]


Smith College offers the best solution for my enthusiasm for architecture and preference for studying in a women's college that is committed to creating women leaders while appreciating our influence on social development.


... I fear that the "leader" part may sound a dominating and too competitive characteristics of you. I wish you presented this idea a bit differently;

Women only environment would provide me with a peaceful less distracted study exposure where I gain networking opportunities with many talented fellow women architects.

Undergraduate / TRANSFERING REASONS & OBJECTIVES TO ACHIEVE; ENGINEERING [3]


Generally I recommend others to start with a positive note on your current college rather than a negative. This would help you earn an impression that you are a more balanced guy. So I feel the second sentence provides you a better start than the above.


... You need to be a little more descriptive about what sort of university you are looking at . I mean, just mention about one or two capabilities it has compared to your current school.



... I wish you say this differently;
In a community college, social and student networking opportunities are at minimal level because there are no proper mechanism to get students together.

Undergraduate / Helping ethnic people and discovering new modern knowledge [3]


As a kid, I used to dream about winning a scholarship that would help me studying abroad, becoming proficient in English and exploring the new cultures, people and environments. ... here I included the scholarship part too :)


As I grew I wanted to make this dream a reality. So I put lots of effort to read, write and speak English despite having access to any help from material, internet or even good teachers.


.... this is very confusing. I feel you better rephrase this line because it is difficult to grasp your idea.

Writing Feedback / Some people prefer change while some dont -IELTS [3]


.... very true :D


.... "monotonous life" .... well sounds a bit rude :D
Some fear changes while some others adore them.


There are various reasons as to why people react differently to changes and this essay is focused on discussing these reasons.
However, I prefer if you stated your opinion in the introduction itself. For example;
However, I personally welcome changes when they are necessary to life.


.... make sure you start with capital letters. It's a worthy habit even during practice sessions :)
Well.... computer engineers job is not at all monotonous, instead it is quite challenging and creative. You should have given an example of a more stereotype job like lift operator or janitor.


it depends/ it is depending

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing- Jury should not be given the past criminal records of a defendant [3]


These sentences does not refer to anything of your topic. In the introduction you should introduce topic to the reader. Therefore keeping alignment with your topic is very very important . Otherwise your writing would be felt as out of topic :(

My suggestion;
The need for the jury to have access to information about the defendants' past criminal record is becoming a concern these days. .... now the reader understands you are talking about information that a jury requires... As a tip for this task, I suggest you to catch the idea from your prompt itself. Do not copy it for your first sentence, but you can re-phrase it and use it :)


.... jury does not claim, but decides. The lawyers claim :)


.... good argument :)
My suggestion;
The jury may be carried away by such information and also can have their decision influenced by them although the defendant's past criminal activities have no bearing on the case at all.

You have good arguments . With practice you can aim to go for a good score. Try to improve your essay structure more :)

Essays / Happiness is seen in a person's face! [3]


Happiness is a kind of expression that is quite visible in one's face. By looking at one's face it is not difficult to judge whether that person is happy or not.


I agree with Abidemi.... You need to tell us the purpose of your post. Is this for a speech?

Undergraduate / CHESS PLAYER; U MICH COMMON APP; Community I belong [4]


This is fine. But I feel you can add more emotions to this. Show them that you are passionate about chess and chess is an integral part of your life :)

My suggestion;
For me, chess is part of my life. However, many people perceive chess players are nerds. ....now tell them the challenges you faced with changing such perceptions and having acceptance by others. Tell them how you overcame such challenges :)

Writing Feedback / Contributions to an enjoyable vacation- Good Food/ Good Location/ Good Friends? [2]


When you have more complicated phrases they tend to disturb the clarity of your ideas.


This sentence is too long. If you tell this idea in two sentences you would get a much better flow;
However, contrary to this view, it is obvious that good food is the most vital factor for one to enjoy his or her vacation. Even if you are at the best location and surrounded by the best of your friends, one bad meal is enough to spoil your entire vacation.


.... of course :D


... this sentence is very confusing and you better re-phrase this. I cannot get your idea at all :(

Writing Feedback / About the consumer durables owned in Britain from 1972 to 1983 [7]

It's always better to upload your diagram or tables so that we can provide you with more relevant comments.


level of possessing? What do you mean by this? This line is very confusing :( I have this problem throughout your essay and don't know how to help you without knowing the exact theme. I guess you are talking about ownership of certain consumer durable!


Generally in statistical or graphical interpretations, you use a more technical tone. This is my suggestion;
The table illustrates that ...
Hope you upload your table and also post the prompt!

Graduate / My interests in oil and gas industry;MSc Petroleum Eng- MOTIVATION LETTER [3]


After completing my baccalaureate exam in Algeria with a distinction in 2007, I applied to Joseph Fourier University of France in hope of studying engineering in an European environment where I could better enrich my knowledge with new advancements in science and technology.


Though my application was accepted it was a tough start for me because I had to develop French language skills in order to perform well in different engineering subjects as well as staying competitive among my brilliant fellow students.


My interest in oil and gas industry began to develop in my last year in the high school together with my family's new business venture into oil transportation.

Undergraduate / ACCOUNTING,FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT; Personal Statement (MASTERS) [2]


I think this is not the case with many. So I wish if you present your passion for accounting in a different way because this may give the impression that your thinking is more stereotyped.


At the age of ten, I manned the cashier's counter of our family business. That is how I learned the basics of economic model; accepting money in exchange of merchandise. It is this work experience that nurtured my strong desire to engage in business.

Graduate / Statement of purpose for pursuing master studies in automotive in German universities [2]


This is all true, but the admission panel may not be too interested in reading this because it has no reference to you whom they are interested in knowing about. So I think you should not dedicate one full para for explaining background and importance of engineering field.


... I feel this is a good starting point :)
The rest looks fine and you display good writing skills... I wish if you removed the first para :)

Writing Feedback / THESIS ; INCREASE IN GUN VIOLENCE [3]


I feel it should be the "problem" and not the "solution"; this problem begins with loosely regulated guns and ammunition usage, isn't it?




.... the word "that" is getting repeated here. I wish if you have shorter sentences that would help you to arrange your flow better. My suggestion;

There is no easy solution to gun violence. However, there are some measures that can be implemented to arrest gun violence to a certain degree.


I wish to examine these issues and propose measures that can be deployed to arrest gun violence in the country while protecting the rights of gun owners.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: IMPACT OF INTERNET on LIFE [4]


.... good start but the latter part has a problem. This is my suggestion;
The Internet can be regarded as one of the world's most important inventions that made the biggest impact on the lives of people.


show concern / have reasons


... "civilize" means make someone more refined in terms of socially and culturally. So it is not the appropriate word to use here.
Though you have some little issues with sentences, your introduction follows good structure :)


....hmmmmmm "physical impacts" sounds a bit odd.
First, the Internet benefits us by offering simplified solutions to our lives.

Writing Feedback / My friend Daniel is a fan of Manchester United [3]


My suggestion;
My friend, Daniel Kong is a friendly and sociable character.


Daniel is a thin tall guy. His oval shape head, sharp nose, big eyes and short black hair make him look quite attractive.


Daniel has one younger brother. .... It's enough to talk about the siblings because the family anyway refers to mother and father.


He is well mannered and possess good values.


He has a great sense of humor and loves to crack jokes. I always enjoy his company and feel extremely comfortable associating him.

Undergraduate / Drawing, Photography & Music; SAIC Personal Statement [3]


Why you say from recent years? I think you better be a bit more descriptive about that as there is a vacuum you leave to the reader. Or else you can begin your essay with a personal experience that show them how important art is to your life. When you talk through personal experiences and emotions, they pass stronger messages to the reader than mere statements. It's important that you show your creativeness in the personal statement as it should stand out the other applications. I suggest you to start with the following line after modifying it accordingly. Then go the second sentence ;

Undergraduate / Nurses make a difference every day!; Personal Statement (NURSING) [3]



.... great line... awesome :)
... all due to dedication of optimistic nurses. ... how do you like it this way? your way is also very good :)


.... I wish if this line is a bit more simplified;
As I was getting closer to my college years, my love for nursing grew stronger with more and more experiences of watching how my grandmother and baby cousin being nursed.


.... baby cousins and baby sisters sound a bit repetitive.
Overall I think you've done a good job.... Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) Effects of reading newspaper and watching television news [6]


In the modern world, media such as newspapers and television have become an integral part of peoples' lives.



I strongly disagree with this view as news have a great impact on our lives.


... good sentence


.... what do you mean by communicable? do you mean the news about some epidemic?
Overall you have written a good essay. You follow a good structure too. :)

Essays / If you could gather 3 people for a conversation who would they be and why? [4]


I would want to meet Ellen because of her well-roundness. I am particularly impressed with her strong inclination towards charity.



his perseverance made his way to a great president



.... strong sentence


.... I'm thankful to Lincoln for teaching me the importance of striving hard to overcome any obstacle that stands our way to success.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose review | Masters in Petroleum Engineering | Sept 2013 Entry [3]


Well.... this looks a bit too formal. The SOP is the document that would make the first impression about you with the admission panel. So it is good to show a little bit of creativity for it to stand out the hundreds of other applications. I'd suggest you to read a few more SOPs to get an idea of its presentation. I don't say this is bad, but it's good write one that they would remember among other applications.

Writing Feedback / The mass media has a great influence in shaping people's ideas [6]


I meant "moderate stance" which means you can both agree and disagree to certain extent. That's why I asked you to have your first body para to support for the statement and the second one to write against it. If you take a moderate stance on this statement, this is how you express your opinion;

In my view, media can have both positive and negative impacts on the lives of people.



You tend to write lengthy sentences. Try shorter and simple ones. Have one sentence for one idea.
First, mass media can have a great impact on peoples' lifestyles and culture. For example, young girls living in a very conservative culture can be promoted to wear short dresses by watching their favorite TV shows.

Always have the reason first and then support it with an example.

Undergraduate / "Warrior Princess"- KARATE ; Extracurricular activities [4]


I don't see any reason as to why you should re-write it. For me it flows really beautiful and contains very good points to support you with your scholarship application.


It is an over all outstanding essay :)
If at all you need to add anything, give some thought for what abrownie mentioned;


You can replace the following sentence with another line to talk about how Karate impacted your personality.


Even if you don't make any changes and leave it as it is, it reads well :)

Undergraduate / Global economic structure& fiancial system;GWU Transfer(WHY GWU?)Goals &determination [3]


Here's some help for trimming down your word count;


All my life I lived in Kualar Lumpur, the capital of Malaysia which is a country of high cultural and ethnic diversity. Malays constitute the majority community while Chinese and Indians are minority communities. The effects of multiculturalism in Malaysia can be observed from the dialects to delicacies.

The country made a remarkable progress in terms of economic and infrastructure development during last three decades. One the tallest and now the sixth tallest towers in the world, Petronas Twin Towers is a classic example for Malaysia's tremendous development.

Writing Feedback / The mass media has a great influence in shaping people's ideas [6]


... The prompt is directly asking you whether you agree or disagree with that statement. So it is generally recommended to state your opinion direct. You can either agree or disagree or can take a moderate stance. If you agree, talk for it in your two body paras. If you disagree talk against in your two body paras. If you take a moderate stance have the first body para to talk for it and the next one talk against it.

This is my suggestion for the above sentence;
Though there are both positive and negative impacts on the lives of people, I believe that its negative influence overrides its positives.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay:The world is changing fast, people are less happy [3]

Very good introduction. It follows just the expected structure :)



Well .... I think more than reading manuals [ which some (like me) don't do at all :D] these activities lessen teh burning of calories causing obesity, which is a major problem. I think that point would sound stronger than this


I must say this is really a great essay. You have excellent writing skills. You really don't have to worry about this task. GOOD LUCK!

Writing Feedback / Experienced learning or classroom learning? [2]



I still regard that classroom teaching is superior to any other form of education.


You cannot have both "for example" and "like" because they both mean the same.
The following sentence sounds confusing;


.... My suggestion;
When one learns through experience, he does not have to behave within any rigid structure such as students need to obey class room rules.

Writing Feedback / Microwave oven and fastfood store in our lives [3]


My suggestion;
The advent of microwave oven and fast foods have brought in major changes to our cuisine and dining table.


... your idea is not conveyed clearly.
Some people may argue that invention of these devices and services have disturbed our family bonds and healthy life-styles.


.... efficient and convenient solutions for our busy lifestyles. ... efficient, convenient are good keywords to use :)


First, no one can deny about positive influences of these high tech devices and efficient solutions on our daily life.

Undergraduate / Anyelo almonte - Bloomfield college self recommendation [3]

This first sentence is just poorly put together. I would go to your english or writing professor and have them guide you through this. I am not trying to be mean but the sentence structure of the entire thing needs a lot of work.

...nice quote


Every time I walk through the hallways this quote echos in my ear and I tell myself to be one that who works hard towards his goal.


.... you tend to have too many ideas in one sentence without proper link. That may confuse the reader,


I am a person who thinks out of the box and who is ready to try out new possibilities

Writing Feedback / IELTS - there is a great gap in between the living standards of the people of cities and villages [4]


city refers to area/ cities refer to areas


.... pay attention to the grammar corrections I made


My suggestion;
In my view there are various reasons for this difference of living standards. This essay is focused on discussing those issues and proposing measures that can help improve living standards of rural areas.


....first, "inter-mixing" does not sound a proper usage. Also, I cannot agree with this idea as a reason for people to having higher living standards in the cities. There are many more important reasons like advanced infrastructure (roads, hospitals, schools, railway etc.), more educated people, better employment opportunities etc.

Writing Feedback / How can we evaluate the culture of reading in our society? [3]


There is no doubt that reading is one of one of the best ways to enhance knowledge and wisdom.



.... you can include everything under TV program category.


...."instant" is a better key word to use here


.... this is not a cultural issue.... reading culture means getting almost everybody into the habit of reading and not anything to do with country's existing culture

Undergraduate / U OF T engineering adimission essay; engineer is an appropriate profession for me [4]


When I was young, I dreamed of becoming a very powerful person who could have his mark on the world.


This is my suggestion for your first para;
As a little kid, I dreamed of making my mark on the world when I grow up. Though it was a childish dream, I think I still have not completely abandoned it. However, this vague dream has now become more specific and today I wish to make my mark on the world as an engineer.

Speeches / Pavan Jha speech [3]



Mr Jha realized that he needs to follow a different path that would arm him with necessary credentials and theoritical knowledge in order to take these issues forward.


where Jha pursued masters in communication studies and also interned with Doordarshan.



many things in terms of moral and cultural values

Undergraduate / Everything is about Choices- COMMON APP/ Hardships [10]


This sentence is too long and contains too much details. I think it's one of the most important lines in your essay as it is signalling about what happened in your life. However, you should not have too much stuff in one sentence that makes the reader tired of remembering every little detail. I wish you re-pharse this line.


My experience taught me that there are no real barriers such as language, education or money in front of determination.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-visiting foreign countries, visitors take advantage of learning the culture [5]


.... make two sentences;
People visit other countries for various reasons such as tourism, business, studies etc. Whatever the reason of visit, these visitors have valuable opportunities to learn about the culture and traditions of the country they visit.

I generally provide my suggestions for essay structure, vocabulary, grammar and presentation. But I thought I should contribute to this essay with a few ideas too :)


Well.... visiting museums, staying with a local family, visiting places of historical values/public places like markets etc., dining at local restaurants are some other ways of experience a foreign culture and traditions :)

Essays / Advice on writing Issue of importance for UT for a math graduate [3]



Well... issue of importance can be an issue (rather a problem) that you think is important. I give some examples for each category for you to understand this prompt better;

personal - parents divorce/ financial constraints
school related - study pressure/ bullying
local- transportation issues in your city/ language barriers
political - racial discremination / communal disputes in your country/ religious conflicts in your country
international - pollution/ global warming/ terrorism

You can get an idea for this topic if you read others' essays posted on similar topics here :)

Essays / For Significant Experience Can I Write about My School Educational Tour? [12]


Well.... let's see how I can help you :) .... Let's take the first prompt;


Pick one of those highlighted ones and write about it. Suppose it is a significant experience. Then first tell what this experience is. Then tell why it is important to you and how it helped you personally. What did you learn from that experience etc. You can follow the similar pattern for other topics too.

My suggestion for you is to search for similar topics (on the right hand side of this screen you get the search. Type a part of this quetion - e.g. significant experience.) Then you find many similar threads. Read them to get an idea how others have answered. Then write your draft (do not copy what is here because you may get caught to playgarism) Post it here with the prompt so that we can provide you with comments :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS;"Charities in developed countries should donate to underdeveloped countries" [5]


Your prompt talks about the charities in developed countries and not the ones in poor countries. Therefore it is worth mentioning about it here because that sets up a good alignment with your prompt.


I find hard to how this line contributes to the prompt :( ... I guess this may be what you try to mean;
However, people argue about how these charities set priorities in helping others. Some argue that they should donate to the projects of poorer nations, while others stress that they need to first look after their own needy people.

Undergraduate / Passion and Inspiration - Queens University Personal Statement of Experience [2]


where I'm heading to seek my inspiration. :)


I feel it is better you mention a particular area in Biology that you need to study at Queens and elaborate on how Queen's curriculum can help you achieve this goal.


This idea you tell repeatedly and I think that disturbs your smooth flow

Undergraduate / My imagination ; COMMON APP - Extracurricular or Work experiences [5]


Well... I am wondering whether your answer falls within this classification :( .... You are supposed to write about extracurricular activities or work experiences. However, your answer talks of something more towards a hobby. You talk about you power of imagination. So how does that become an extracurricular activity? If you can set up a link between the two, that's fine. Otherwise, in my view, your answer may sound out of topic. Give some thoughts to this point!

Writing Feedback / IELTS "computers and the Internet are important resources " [5]


Generally this task requires you to support your views and opinion with specific examples. In this case you can support your views with specific examples;


.... you can support this view with a more specific example so that your examiner would concieve your idea better;
For example, today the students need not to struggle in finding necessary information and data for carrying out their assignments. The Internet provides them with access to unlimited information and data almost instantly.

I think it is anyway a good habit to support your arguments with examples :)