Graduate / A career in Physical Therapy: 2010-2011 DPT PTCAS Admissions ESSAY [2]

The tense is mixed up here, and thee is unnecessary capitalization... and...put an s on the end of environments:
After I have observed several Therapists therapists in their working environments, I came ...

I guess I have to leave it up to you to shorten it. You have to find one sentence to kill in each paragraph. This essay does have some excess meat on its bones... needs trimming:

Bridging the gaps between people and their health care providers is important to me, and I intend are executing all tasks to assure that this occurs.

The second half of this essay seems much more energized and interesting than the first half.
:-) so cut from the first half.

Undergraduate / "Alexa" - ApplyTexas Essay Topic A [10]

But I'm not going to do that. Not because I'm trying to be offbeat, or because I think I am that person, but because that person, to me, never knew she was.---- this is high quality stuff. I like it. You have an interesting way...

Alexa, her potential, and her lack of appreciation for it have made a severe impact on my life and how I view myself as a person.--- this makes the essay very profound. I suspect that you may get in arguments with people who will never see eye to eye with you because you can think in such a complex way.

The only real change I would make is to take a few sentences out of that intro paragraph... it takes a long time to make it's point. But really, this is a favorite of mine.

Undergraduate / How to start an introduction paragraph about someone that influenced me (my son)? [4]

Well, you need to start by having an idea. If you have no idea at all, you can't write an essay. Did your son cause you to reflect on things in a new way and change your daily behavior?

Tell me about your recent discovery!

Undergraduate / "My pragmatic perspective" - Rice Admission Essay [5]


Oh, so we have a pragmatist on our hands... very good. You know, the best way to appreciate a discipline is to apply it, anyway, so I think this is a solid idea.

This really is a good premise for the essay.

I see what mark means though with the prompt. It refers to culture... um... so maybe it seems like you should write about culture... but that is not necessary... you wrote all about perspective, which is very good, and you specifically wrote about how the shift of perspective is something you will bring to Rice. That is pretty solid.

I will criticize anybody's work who criticizes mine!--- it is good to go give some feedback to people on the unanswered list, and then link them to your essay.

Overcoming anything blockading me from my goal manifests the final part of my perspective (at least that I am describing). --- I think you can make this sentence clearer... or just simplify. No need to spoon feed every idea to the reader.

Self-overcoming-- how about "self-mastery" instead?

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]


Ha ha, I don't think I say waft of inspiration. Waft is a funny word... Life if someone has flatulence and the smell wafts over...

Oh, it is "wave of inspiration..." catch the wave of inspiration, like a surfer catching a wave. You sometimes have to wait for the wave.

I just read the essay. It is great, very interesting... and that is hard to do when writing this kind of essay. I think you can improve it by expounding a great theme at the end of that intro paragraph.

You establish the reader's attention on this:
In November 2009, I said goodbye to my friends and family, and relocated to Boston, MA.

So it is simple, easy to understand but not really intriguing.

This adds substance:
In November 2009, I said goodbye to my friends and family, and relocated to Boston, where I would learn a lesson about how to carve out a place for myself in a new environment where I was in the minority.

Then there is a paragraph break, and the reader says, "oh, I see what this essay is about..."

In truth, what you did was heroically work hard and find an opportunity, endure adversity, and take proactive steps to harmonize with your environment, which is very impressive. Especially in Boston... Boston can be intimidating. Make sure you take that Rockport line up to Salem sometime when it gets to be Halloween next month, it is crazy interesting.

And the fact that you want to do Peace Corps. is impressive... I have no doubt that you will impress them with this.

Undergraduate / "You only get one shot in life" - Rutgers Undergrad essay [4]

Everyone enrolled in Rutgers always has a story to tell, whether it be about their past experiences, what they are going through right now, or what they think their future holds for them. ---- you could say the same of any school. I think you should get specific and discuss the school in terms of your scholarly and professional interests. You are ready to make some career plans now...

This is why Rutgers University is one of the most divergent diverse schools not only on the----- divergent means something different.

While attending my student observation, my obseriving teacher a Rutgers alumni, told me the instant gratification is enormous.-----instant gratification is about when you want to get something right away and do not have the self-control necessary to wait and delay gratification.

I hope you can get this essay to be more specific. You say some nice things, but they are just empty statements of praise for the Rutgers community. Write an essay to tell readers all about the UNIQUE outcome of combining YOU with a DIVERSE ENVIRONMENT. Having a story to tell is the same for everyone... but YOU have specific interests and intentions, and you have a special ability to encourage others when they share your interests in ______, ________, and _________.

Undergraduate / "Memoirs of a Teenage Hostess" - Common App Personal Essay [11]

Nice! I'll just try a different arrangement here:

Instead, you will find a teenage hostess, who may not know from the top of her head the number of calories in Mongolian Beef or whether Kung Pao Chicken is made with plum sauce or oyster sauce.

Undergraduate / who influences you and how. my big sister Erin [6]

I like the way Mark cut material. Megan, you do write well with a kind of naturalness that many people can't achieve. Natural, not-trying-to-be-someone-you're-not, interesting writing.

But the thing to do is trim away excess, and sometimes I compare it to Mr. Miyagi with a Bonsai tree. That is what Mark did... he trimmed the Bonsai.

I'm always dancing around the house and always stretching, so my sister a few days ago, told me that i should try out for the drill team in high school.---- I love the way your writing sounds just like the way you probably talk. Check out books by Natalie Goldberg, and I think you'll see that she does the same thing as you.

Undergraduate / "I had to be mentally strong": The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" [2]

This essay is strong. It is bad that you went through this suffering, but you always will have it as a source of strength, and this essay is an example. It is absolutely convincing and powerful.

Here is my only thing I can offer you...
the way to use a comma for a compound sentence.
When you use a conjunction to put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence, it is best to use a comma:
Things just got worse from there , and I had to speak...

Going through what I went through in my life has made me the intelligent, strong, adaptable, and courageous person I am today , and I am thankful for that.

Through my entire life I have had to be strong, and I don't mean physical power; I mean mentally.

Undergraduate / "why did you choose to work while in high school?" - Osu Essay Help [5]

hyphen:
eye-opening

eye-opening experience when I s ee how tough they can be to handle at times.

This sentence, I would like to trim:
I have always loved math both, because it was a chance to challenge myself and also because I just happened to be pretty good at it.---- do you see how this sentence is a lot more interesting and... well, it is just better without that generic phrase about challenging oneself...

I am interested in the Ohio State University for many reasons, some of those being the ideal location, great student life, and also the fantastic biology department. ----nah! You can do better than these reasons! Tell about specific things related to your specific interests. :-) sorry to challenge you... but I challenge you to do even better than this as your premise...

to get a great education. ----see? too obvious.

I couldn't get enough of dissecting the various bugs and animals and learning about their structures. ----this is what you need more of. I want you to tell the reader about how the bio department has something in common with the job you envision yourself going to from 9-5 eac day 10 years from now. Give us a real glimpse, not a lot of general ideas like "fantastic education"...

See what I mean? I just want to challenge you, I am not trying to be a stupid jerk, ha ha... :-)

Undergraduate / MIT - Computers: Department that interests you the most (100 words) [6]

Hi Prince, you should put a little more time into giving other people feedback! :-)

Also, you used infinitesimally incorrectly.

Graduate / "physical therapy - personal characteristics and motivation" PTCAS General essay [2]


Typo


Unnecessary capitalization


Ha ha, this is interesting. Nice...

Use colon instead:
college: to be happy..

My true love is physical therapy; I was just unaware of this fact.--- nice!! This makes a great theme for the essay. I encourage you to learn about many therapies... hydrotherapy, trigger point work, Japanese Sotai, Shiatsu, craniosacral therapy... NLP... there is a lot to learn, all awesome...therapeutic exercise...

Typo:
All of which are essential to the traithlete.

Both are about serving others, require compassion, and help helping individuals reach goals. --very good point!! I with you would write this earlier in the essay instead of at the end.

Undergraduate / "The acting business" - Transfer to Rutgers - Personal Statement [2]


I like the specific way you list them, but they are all vague. I would be more impressed if you already knew a subject you were passionate about (even if you may find new subjects of interest in the future).

Oh!! I see that you do have a subject of interest. So instead of saying you want to study a subject you are passionate about, say you want to study theater, which you are passionate about.

Notice all the little changes I'll make here:
...not only because Theatre Arts is where my passion lies, but most importantly because I want to receive an education in wide varieties of subjects while majoring in Theater Arts.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A Blind Grade" - Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you. [4]


I like this salutation, I'm going to start using it!

Ali was assigned with me in a mixed team.---- okay, but add another sentence before ending the paragraph. Let the paragraph end with a sentence that tells the reader your main point.

For example, I would like to see you put this sentence at the end of the first paragraph:
During my life, I have never seen such strength of will in a person that I saw in Ali during the lab meetings and debates.

Add another comma:
What mattered was that I met Ali, w ho helped me to broaden my horizons, to become more mature, to become a better person.----very god ending.

I like this essay a lot. I hope Ali sees it!

Essays / Ideas on a Narrative Essay on a mistake in my life. [4]


Not helpful. No purpose for this sentence.

A mistake I made was not taking high school seriously and not doing the best I could. ---I think you can discuss a specific class or semester, not the whole high school career.

When I started high school I had all honors classes.----- if this is true, do not be so unfair to yourself as to say you 'did not take school seriously.' You did sometimes!

I don' think you say "I" too much, but you dump on yourself too much... "Summer came and I was out partying with friends almost every night. " this is not fair. You make yourself seem so bad.

Write an essay about an aspect of your personality that is like a personal demon.

For example, I think my ego has often caused me to defeat my own purposes. I could write an interesting essay about the way I thought about things and the result it had... write an essay about something about your personality that caused a mistake and how you can turn that part of your personality into a strength instead.

:-)

Graduate / "the use of computer vision techniques" - SOP for PHD in Computer Science [2]


Awesome, Hector, I hope you write an essay sometime about these subjects. I am very interested in the work of Robert Becker with bioelectromagnetism, which has implications for acupuncture. Maybe that is a little different from what interests you.

Anyway, check out The Body Electric by Becker. Maybe you will like it.

This essay really is strong enough to meet high standards. Mark caught some things that I had missed, and I'm glad he saw what I did not notice.

If anything, I would say you should make the writing LESS complicated.

Like... The method of data extraction would be contingent on the phenomena of interest but both natural and man-made objects could make valid subjects. -- very complicated, but really that is okay. You are complex in your thinking.

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

This is very impressive.

"Voice of America Co mpetition"

I think you did great with this!!

Writing Feedback / Happiness is a state of mind; Realizing Happiness [2]

Various would be a good word here:
People from all walks of life try to achieve happiness through various methods.

The fact that things that give happiness change over the time is a natural phenomenon.

So people can not achieve permanent happiness in this world.

Even for a temporary happiness one's sound health is important. Health is the greatest wealth for a person. Without good health one can not think of happiness. A person can be happy more frequently if he can be satisfied what he deserved to get or without over ambitious . with what he has and not become overly ambitious.

This essay has a lot of wisdom!

Use a spell checker program! I corrected a lot of spelling errors. :-)

Writing Feedback / Digital textbooks vs Textbook [12]


This is very good grammar, and it is a very good thesis statement.

There is no doubt that schools are always adding new and providing learning materials to students. -----Yeah, like Ershad says, it looks like a word is missing. Maybe you mean this:

There is no doubt that schools are always adding new learning materials that students must access.

(above) I added the word "access" and used it as a verb. This is similar to this great sentence:
We can access to a library or other information with a touch of a button.
but I had to cross out "to"
You can also do this:
We can have access to a library or other information with a touch of a button.
(In the sentence above, access is a noun.)

Ordinary citizens can use their credit cards to purchase a limitless variety of products in countries throughout the world. --- good sentence!

Equally important, saving our environment and resources are is our first priority.
Saving ----> is....

To this end, these are the main factors of having digital textbooks in our schools.
"To this end" = "in order to achieve this" so it is not quite right here.

It might be better with an s here on the end of "readings."
...are assigned homework and readings right away.

:-)

Book Reports / The concept of Truth and Happiness: About 1984 & Brave New World [4]

Truth is opposed to happiness.
Both truth and happiness seem meaningless concepts.

Focus on these concepts. Have you read the books? If you have read the books, or even if you have read some analysis of them online, you should be able to describe how these concepts are shown in the books.

You have to really know the books well. The whole point of this is to get you to know the books well. You can start by googling the title and the word "analysis" to see what people have written about the themes in these books.

It's not hard to read some analysis. You might feel overwhelmed if you think you have to read the whole book and look for these concepts. Just read the books to enjoy them, and look at some analysis! You will get some good ideas.

Writing Feedback / Advertising encourages people to buy things or not [3]


I suggest rewriting this sentence. It does not take a stance on the issue. Saying it is subject to criticism does not say what you actually think about it. If this was my essay, I would end the first para with a sentence that answers the question they asked: "The weaknesses of human mind are frequently exploited by such advertisers to influence people to purchase things they actually do not wish to buy."

Hey, I am impressed by Donrocks' critique. It is true: this essay does not say anything that is not obvious.

Your point about children is very good! I think you could take a stance on the issue in para #1, write about the impressionable young minds in para #2, and then write about the way even adults (not just children) can be impressionable. You can write about the need to get some relief from boredom, the desire for rewards, and even the fact that subliminal messages are used in advertising.

One rule to follow, though: Do not waste a single sentence telling the reader something they already know. :-)

Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

Ha ha... at first I thought it said Sugary is the way to go. You are going to get fat! Ha ha...

Okay, nevermind, I guess it is only funny to me since no one else is laughing.

I'll switch things around here after the intro:

Years later, in the distance, I heard an explosion and witnessed a fire flare from the asphalt road. Boom! Zzyzx...

Actually, I think you misspelled the sound of lights burning out. Webster's dictionary has it this way, with 4 z's:

Years later, in the distance, I heard an explosion and witnessed a fire flare from the asphalt road. Boom! Zzzzyzx. The neighborhood suddenly died; lights flickered out. Everything stood morbidly still. A power surge had occurred. For hours, darkness dragged ...

Soon, I longed research ways to prevent such disasters. What does this mean?

Soon, I longed for research studies that would prevent such disasters.
or...
Soon, I felt intense motivation to participate in research that would...

Fortunately, a Berkeley internship offered me a unique opportunity to investigate the underground vessels that fueled our homes with life.

As I read the rest of this, I think it is going to be very impressive to them. The best essays are the ones that prove something about your understanging and level of motivation. This is good stuff!

Undergraduate / "A job at a customer service based retailer" - my short answer for undergrad transfer [7]

Working in retail can be a little trying, and in my case it tried me a lot. Sure I was efficient and detail-orient ed, but I was equal parts short-tempered and impatient.---hahah you explained this in a cool way.

You have a great way of writing, but I think you can be more specific about what you learned and what it has to do with your career intentions, your reason for transferring, etc. Everything is connected. The retail experience is somehow connected to your transfer, and if you can capture that you will do very well.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay _ How will Vietnamese diet change in the next 50 years? [4]

Megan I love your username, very funny...

Canh Nguyen Ngoc, here are some ideas:

In the next 50 years, there will be many aspects in economy and culture that become different from today.

In the future, the borders between countries will almost disappear due the globalization.

As the result, fast foods will become dominant in the future.

The effort of family members to eat at home together will become harder.

Some words need "the" and others do not.
You can write about globalization without using "the."
When you write about the future, it is good to use "the."

:-)
Don't listen to Megan! It's not boring. Ha ha, she is mean.

Just kidding Megan. I know what you are saying... it is repetitive to use the same words over and over.

Undergraduate / "My Injury" - describe a struggle you overcame and its impact on you [6]


Very good writing here...

I'd like to change this part a little:
My knee catastrophe has taught me that no matter how many failures to which I have succumbed, I have endured greater successes and have surely risen above these hindrances I should be not accept any limitations; I proved that I can overcome limitations when I exceeded my doctor's expectations regarding mobility.

I'll move a comma here, too:
Quite evidently, my experience can be interpreted in both positive and negative ways, and although I cannot prevent such unfortunate events from happening in my life I can surely control my perspective on them. --- see where I moved it?

I'll leave you to think of an inspired title...
The thing to do here, I think, is come up with another truth that goes with this experience. You have the opportunity to reach deep into your memory bank and withdraw some crystal clear insight, some excellent truth that is more than just "I discovered myself" or "I learned that I can overcome anything."

Reach deep, and pull out the real truth of this. Maybe you are about to discover it right now, actually. What is the value that has been added to your life by this, or the value that you are now able to add to the lives of others?

What does the hurdle metaphorically represent? I think you might get an excellent idea now as you reread the essay.

Writing Feedback / "I am a loaf of bread" - Unique Personal Essay: Wanted [5]


Ha ha ha, how dramatic. You are a good writer...


This last sentence is the only one in the whole essay that I would consider changing. The last sentence should be one that somehow completes the metaphor.

I'm frightened that some integral piece of me is missing and that I won't be wanted.---- this is beautiful.

"Hating the baker" is an interesting and powerful concept. I'll leave it to you to take inspiration from this, one of your best lines, and try to come up with a conclusion sentence that is even better than the current last sentence of this essay.

It is your fate to be baked, and you hate the baker for it... sounds like an essay about the human condition, about mortality. Yet, you made it about uniformity vs. uniqueness... Which is it? I guess you were not writing about mortality, but to me that is what this essay is about.

One of my favorites!!

Undergraduate / "fascinated with building things- Vires, Artes, Mores are reflected in your life how? [5]

I have spent over 2 hours a week working on a golf cart, transforming the humdrum into a work of pure beauty. ---- I like this sentence a lot.

From stripping it down to nothing but its axles and wheels to buffing off the rust, it was a painstaking task but one which was necessary.

Pretty good stuff here. I think you can revise it to work for the FSU essay, perhaps for artes. But if it was my project I would condense this into only one paragraph of an artes essay. Make a new intro and a new conclusion! :-) Also, I think you should add a new body paragraph so that you can include a different example as well. I would use this only to create one body paragraph of an artes essay.

Undergraduate / "Growing up with Chinese parents, now college" -My Common App Essay [10]

No, I got very confused when I tried to figure out what I had been talking about. Sorry! I meant "lazy." I don't know why I said "failed." It was because of the explanation given by iceui, which tricked me! My fault...

This really is an essay that will make people like you and believe in your good intentions. I don't think it is good to say you were lazy, though.

Sorry for the confusion! :-)

Undergraduate / "My ultimate goal is to save lives" - Ut essay A Statement of purpose [5]

doubts as to what I wanted out of life. I had no clue as to --- I like the revised version without this!!! Great improvements...

Throughout my search, I found the health science road to be the one to follow in order to achieve success.-- is success the right word here? Maybe you mean "my ideal of success." Or maybe you can think of another word that is much better than success...

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
I believe in giving to receive, and that is exactly what I am aiming for.

Fix this funny typo: willing to think outside the fox.

My desire to become a physician goes way further then than just ...
Don't say way further, and also, be careful of the difference between then and than.

You write very well, and your seriousness is apparent! I think this will be a success..
This is very impressive, 10/10

Research Papers / Narrative on Drake's Raid on Nombre de Dios - Feedback [2]


They brought too much wine and not enough water? Terrible!! Ha ha, that is human nature, I guess...

Use a hyphen:
thirty-one

cimmaron --- should this be capitalized? Also, check the spelling...

This is very interesting, and you write so well... it reads like a history book. But speaking of history books, this info must have come from somewhere. Do you have any sources to cite and list in a Works Cited list at the end?

Undergraduate / Events that helped shape me and how they relate to Vires, Artes, Mores [3]


I don't know... this is pretty terrible. When I was a kid, it seemed normal that some people got cut from teams, but I think it is pretty awful to do that to some players... As an adult, I don't think I like to see kids getting emotionally hurt by being cut, and I think maybe it is just as bad to have the winners indulge in the satisfaction of being "better than" others...


It is more impressive to "actively seek" help from a tutor than to "reluctantly accept" it. It is good to get help.

I think this essay is very impressive, and I like the way you focus on vires without mentioning it directly. I'm glad to have a bit of help to offer here:

I would be honored to be selected to attend Florida State University; I will embody the "Vires, Artes, Mores" philosophy, as these values in many ways have helped shape me to this point in my life.-------it was a run on sentence before I added the semi-colon.

I don't really like the last sentence. You should say something more consistent with the main theme of the essay... instead of just saying the 3 virtues helped shape you.

Undergraduate / Medical issue, severe psoriasis - Need help with statement App question [14]

I see what you mean. Well, actually, some of these sentences are very good... I like this:


It must be really frustrating to know your outcome does not reflect your potential.

When I was in high school, I had a twitch disorder called "chronic tick syndrome," and they put me on something called haldol, which made me very tired. Similarly, some low quality foods can make it more difficult to concentrate. It is great that you know yourself a little better now after the experience.

In your essay, I think you do not quite convey this notion that you convey here:


---- Now THIS is good writing. You really share something here about the experience.

In the essay, as written, it seems that it COULD be just an "excuse" for poor grades. But in the sentences I quoted about you did a great job of conveying what you mean.

Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectually Engaging Essay: Knot theory [3]

This is a great idea for a topic! I don't like topology either, but that does not change the fact that it is a great, great idea, and you wrote very well about it.

Hey, I think you would like to learn about "hojo jutsu" the aspect of Japanese martial arts that is all about tying opponents up with a rope.


Do you have 1800 characters yet? I agree with Eugene that the last para seems like it's missing something.. or it seems to be rushed. But that is not your fault of there is a character limit!

Anyway, if possible it would be good to add one more sentence to that 3-sentence last paragraph.

Also:
The fixed tie length and aesthetic regard limits limit the maximum number of this moves to 9; thus the total number of possible tie-knots according to convention is 85.

Below I'll add a comma after ties and scratch out some words: Further considerations like shape, balance and symmetry, however, invalidate 72 of these ties, as aesthetically feasible leaving only 13 distinct ties that are wearable.

Undergraduate / [Being a Leader] #1 Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk [8]


It is not negative. The reader does not want you to be perfect. The reader wants you to be thoughtful, and you are.

It is only from an experience like this that one can prove that he understands leadership. This proves that you understand. It is definitely good.

2 corrections:

Anyone who has ever been a group leader would can understand the group dynamics.

I am hoping I'll exhibit a better leadership the next time when I become a leader of another a project.

:-)

Research Papers / Research - "Who was Pol Pot and what did people think of him?" [2]

international labor brigade-- this probably should be capitalized:
International Labor Brigade

During the control of the Khmer Rouge, citizens of Cambodia were forced and threatened with guns and forced to evacuate from their homes and told to move to the countryside.

Though the genocide is over. --- this sentence is not a complete sentence
Though the genocide is over, it is not forgotten. --- this is better.
or you can do this
Though the genocide is over, Cambodia to this day is still trying to recover from the damage of Pol Pot rule.

Also, do not write "returned back"
Families returned back to their crumbled homes, many people suffered from psychological trauma, and there were many orphans.---- now it is a good sentence.

:-)

Graduate / ANTHROPOLOGY graduate admissions statement of purpose (California Santa Cruz) [7]

apotheosis (or quintessence?)---- these are both a little too much at the start. It's not good to write "I believe"... and you did it twice in a row. It is sort of a cliche, and it is something you can express in a better, more clever way.

Your intro only amounts to this:
The Emerging Worlds Initiative in the Anthropology Department at XXX is focused on helping the communities that comprise our contemporary world.

That does not say a lot, and it does not say what you actually think anth. should be about. Know what I mean? You need to actually say what you tink it should be about. Helping communities? Be more specific.

... not only be integral but essential ...---- I am afraid this is a bad phrase. It seems like trying hard to use large words! I'm sorry... :-)

Oh, now that I keep reading, I see that you have very valuable ideas! Okay, my challenge for you is to express these ideas in the smallest number of words possible. Do not use words that you would not use in ordinary conversation. State your excellent ideas and interests plainly, and do not use any unnecessary phrases and sentences. I think this has a lot of potential, but right now there is too much fluff! :-)

Undergraduate / "the Renaissance woman" - WHY BROWN - Short Answer [11]

Here is another cool trick for improving conciseness:
"I want to be a writer, president, businesswoman, and doctor. I want to be a Renaissance woman."

I like the concept a lot.

One more idea:
As a student who has a deep love for literature, keen interest in physical science, and drive for leadership, the opportunity that Brown provides me to combine different various areas of study with an aim to produce an idiosyncratic yet holistic education is well enough to convince me that I belong in at this school.

:-)

Writing Feedback / In my view studying in a group is a better method than studying on your own. [10]

Only write head once:
As the old saying, "Two heads are better than one,"...

You have only a few mistakes! I think you'll definitely do well on the TOEFL.

Here is something you should know, though: self-study is a term that refers to knowing yourself well. I think you should write about "solitary study" instead. Like this:

Provided these conditions are satisfied, I conclude that studying in a group is much more effective and advantageous than studying in solitude.

Writing Feedback / vocational training:essays for those in their secondary school and high school finals [3]

This is the wrong way to use versatile:
A versatile number of graduates are being
Do this:
versatile Countless graduates are being ...

RYIN solved all of your problems, I think! Do you have any questions about the corrections?

Look at this, too:
I am sure the introduction of vocational training institutions is the answer to the menace of unemployment among the youths of today.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Doing the same things or change? is change always good? - DISCUSSION [4]

A good word to use in this essay is consistency. Doing things in the same way all the time is consistent. There are advantages to consistency, but you are arguing that there are more advantages to changeability. I think you made a good argument.

Doing the same things has several benefits for some reasons . Do not ever write "for some reasons," because it does not tell the reader anything.

List the reasons:
Doing the same things has several benefits, including ________, _________, and ___________.

Here is a funny mistake that RYIN corrected. Did you notice the correction?
They will meet difficulties and try to tickle tackle problems as well as learn clever solutions from others.

Look up the meaning of tickle, and you will see why it is a funny mistake to make! :-)

You write very well in English, and I think you'll get a high score.