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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 6794 / page 129 of 170
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dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / Eating is a very important part of people's lifestyles [2]

Another significant point is the time matter.

You already said this in the opening sentence.
Time is a significant component that promotes this trend.

To have a quick snack at a local shawerma stand might be a great option for them though .

Some people like to eat at home because basically we need various nutritionnutrients to keep our bodies fit.

.... Have corresponding subjects. In this case, Some people - they;
People like to eat home cooked meals mainly because they contain all nutrients that are required for a healthy body.

You display excellent writing skills. Overall, this is a very good essay.
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Undergraduate / Traditional FOOD/SONGS/PICTURES; What can you contribute to ___ community? [6]

Hi,
What is your prompt? It is always good to post the prompt for more relevant feed backs. :)

Since I was small, I have been enthusiastic to spend hours in finding solutions for any problems.
I think it sounds better without "any"

In secondary I fell in love with math.

why you say in secondary? ... I feel you better have some other phrase :(
Also I fell in love with math.
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Graduate / Process Safety; SOP for M.S. in Safety Engineering Program [7]

It has been built over a long time and deep thinking and searching.

It has been built over a long time with deep thinking and continuous sought.

I graduated from XXX University with a B.Sc. in Chemical Engineering with 3.51/4.00 GPA in 19XX. In the period of study at XXX University,

Before coming to this point, I feel you better say something to bridge your earlier sentence and this. I mean, you just mention about taking the decision, but do not tell them anything about what made you to take it. One sentence in support of that would be a fine inclusion here. :)
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Graduate / Indian Youth Congress; Asian Institute of Management - Contributions to community [3]

During my Engineering days I had joined the Indian Youth Congress .India needed and still needs infusion of youth in the political process to bring about radical reforms in the otherwise rudimentary and corrupt system.

I wish you interchanged these two lines, having the second one (India needed and...) in front of the other (During my ...)
I feel that reads better and arranges a beautiful flow :)
The answer for your first prompt is very impressive. You display excellent writing skills and your answer sounds very convincing and strong. Good Luck with your application!
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Letters / What was important to me? ; UC Davis re-admission letter [6]

I am writing to you because I wish to attend UC Davis as an undergrad engineer for the Spring 2013 quarter.

I am writing this letter to you in hope of receiving acceptance to attend UC Davis undergraduate program in engineering for the Spring 2013 quarter.

I was dismissed at the start of Winter Quarter 2012 and I have come a long way since that time. The poor performance I had, previously, has helped me shape into not only a better person, but also a proficient student.

I was dismissed due to poor performance at the beginning of Winter Quarter 2012, but now that I have come a long way since then having myself shaped into a better person and a proficient student.
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Undergraduate / Student politics to Event-planning ; Western Ivey AEO-My uniqueness [4]

You have answered it very well and nothing to worry about :)
I see you have loads of points to show that you are possess a unique character. You have presented all those points very well and very creatively. So, go ahead and submit.... In my view, this is really good!

Growing up, having my initiatives cut by adults was daunting

Good Luck!
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / What problems can be caused by increase of average life expectancy? IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Hi,
First, I have a small request for you. In your next essays, have the topic title more descriptive. That helps us mods as well as you, because people tend to comment more when they see a descriptive title. :D

With the rapid development of modern life, average longevity, recently, seems to be on the increase.

Excellent introduction... very good!

That is to say, more demands for health care services and nursing to cure and take care of them are needed.

.... the highlighted part tends to confuse the reader :(

You show excellent writing skills and great potential for a real good band. Keep posting essays here for us to comment!
:)
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / Forget, Repress & Relinquish THE PAST to Move up the ladder of Success & Achievement [3]

In order to prevent repeating mistakes, or perhaps to recall past victories and the methods requires to reap even greater victories, it is essential to have the past to analyze.

....Here the important point is that you need the past for analyzing purpose that would help achieve a better present and future. So, I wish you changed the order of this sentence;

Without having a past to analyze, we cannot prevent repeating mistakes, or perhaps recalling past victories and methods to reap even greater victories.
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Shopping is an unavoidable worrying necessity for many people [7]

Shopping is an unavoidable worrying necessity for many people, whilst for some others it is an opportunity to show their effluence.

Hey Tessy.... don't complicate your opening statement with high-tech vocab :D
I prefer if you present this in a more simpler, but interesting tone :D
For some, shopping is an unavoidable worry while it is one of the most enjoyable activities for others .

Though there are various reasons for this attitude, I strongly believe that, this is a negative trend and it will pave way to insurmountable issue

I suggest you to replace the word "attitude" with "trend". ... Seems you are allergic to shopping :D .... BTW .... I love shopping :P
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / Improved visibility of police force; GRE argument essay [3]

The conclusion that the improvement of police procedures to increase the visibility of police force will lower the crime rate and make its citizens feel safer

The conclusion that improvement in visibility of police force would lower the crime rate and make citizens fell safer

The writer has a gap in his logic where he supposes that hiring more police officers, budget more funds for over time, and direct officers more often on foot rather than from their patrol cars.

.... you have to tell what the gap is.... it is not said

First evidence used to persuade readers is seems to be logically at the first glace, but with paying more attention, it'll look illogically.

This has grammar issues and also sounds confusing. You need to re-phrase this line.

or there is a lack of reaching for help on short time when needed

or there are issues in reaching out to help at short notice
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / People want to be attractive so that everyone will have to look on their costumes and accessories [3]

There are various reasonpeople visiting retail as their leisure activity than other activities.

.... "visiting retail" is not a proper phrase.
People have various reasons for choosing shopping as a favored leisure activity over other hobbies.

In this essay, I will explain reason forbuying as hobby and its positive and negative improvements.

...Dont use the word "buying" in place of "shopping" because shopping is an activity which has a broader meaning than buying or purchasing. Yes, shopping indeed is involved with purchasing/buying goods, but not always. How about window shopping? People do window shopping without buying anything but just looking at showcases of shops. Therefore shopping is an activity which people do for pleasure and it may not end up with buying, but just looking at goods. :D
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / Media does not only reflect culture and social life [5]

The media of the nation does not only reflect the cultural and social life of its residents but also helps in developing a positive mindset.
It would sound better like this: The nation's media reflects culture, social life, and it also helps to develop a positive mindset.

Good advice by Jennyflower81. You can also use the term "National media" that refers to nation's media.

The human mind finds entertainment in the television content, such as violence and profanity that is unnatural to itself because these appear as unexplored areas as the person has always been taught to follow peace and harmony by his parents and by the society he lives in.

.... avoid writing too long sentences. They tend to confuse the reader.

I guess this essay is for IELTS or TOEFL tasks. If it is the case, you need to present your essay in at least four paras that include the introduction, two body paras and a conclusion.
dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Undergraduate / Have you ever had acne?/ SELF CONFIDENCE; COMMON APP [3]

It is good if you post the topic of your essay every time you make a post. It helps us giving you a more relevant feedback;

If you have ever had acne, you will not understand my feeling.

.... I guess this should be the other way round.
If you never had acne, you will not understand my feeling.

I have been suffering with pimples since I was 15. It is very long time for me. At first, I had pimples just on my forehead but now a day I have all over my face. I have tried to cure it in many ways such as treating with herb, using many treatment products and going to see a dermatologist but I still can't get rid of it. I am not understand why it happened with me. Everybody around me always tells me that it was alright. For sure I am not. They don't understand how I feel and don't know how have it affected my life.

Pimples invaded my face when I was fifteen and since then I have been fighting to get rid of them trying various ways of treatment and seeing a dermatologist every now and then. Although others say that I look alright and this is not a major issue for me to worry about, these pimples have caused a severe depression in me.

I amdo not understand why it happened with me.

dumi   
Jan 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: Economic Growth or Environmental Concerns ? [3]

It is undeniable that the development of economy has brought great changes in everyone's life and significantly elevated our living standards.

It's better if you say this in present tense;
It is undeniable that economic development brings positive changes into everyone's life and significantly elevates the living standards of people.

Therefore, some people argue that the development of economy must come before all else, including the environmental concerns.

Therefore some people argue that economic development should come before everything else, including environmental concerns.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Importance of advertisement in our modern society [2]

I think that advertisement tells us about new items that may be good for our lives.

.... I like if you kept it plural :)
I think advertisements inform us about new products and their usefulness that enhance our knowledge about different options we have.

Advertising message about the utility of a product enables the people to widen their knowledge.

Advertisement on a certain product helps the people to know about its features and usefulness to their lives.

It has contributed to the betterment of the standard of living ofin the society.

As an example, pharmaceutical companies use advertisements to present their new drugs.

... keep it plural
You've written a very good essay.
Also, you should post this type of essays under "Writing feedback" forum... :D
Waiting to see some more essays from you ;)
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / "My feeble voice"+"theater" MAIN ESSAY [8]

The prompt is Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Good and Thanks! :D

Can you please help me with my grammar?:D

Sure : )

The club used to perform the plays acclaiming the politics under the orders of the school on the Art Festival. I believe the club should not be a screw of propaganda machine and I could not bear doing nothing while sitting on the position.So I decided to be a renegade by leading the club to play our original story.

.... I guess this needs re-phrasing;
This club was heavily used as a propaganda machine of the school politics and the plays it produced for the Art Festival passed messages with biased opinions. Being the president, I found this cannot be tolerated anymore and decided to break this tradition and produce plays that reflect unbiased and independent student thinking.

Aware of my light voice, I almost yelled-

Being conscious of my too soft voice, I almost yelled rather than talked.... I suggest you not to leave dots in between. They me be counted as words too. :)
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Decline in educational standards, causes and solutions?? [4]

viable solutions to it

viable solutions for this issue.

This is originated from the fact that the education industry has been contributing to huge profits in many parts of the world.

This is originated from the fact that education industry has become one of the main profitable industries in many parts of the world.

One particularly good example for this is Australia where international education is the third largest export industry, generating approximately AUD 20 billion annually.

One particularly good - When you have too many adjectives, it does not sound nice :( ... "One good example" sounds better :)
I also suggest " revenue generator" or " foreign exchange earner" instead of export industry which is more likely to be linked with goods and not services.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / REWARD than a TASK; Why you want be a nurse and why attend this university? [3]

Working in the medical field has proven to be more of a reward than a task.

.... Strong point and nicely presented :)

It is a challenging task nevertheless, but it's an attainable goal with set determination.

....
It is challenging, yet attainable. All you need is that commitment and determination.

I've really enjoyed every aspect of the variety of patients that I have encountered; I've seen the need for true holistic and individual care.

"I have" seems getting repeated too often in this para. Just pay a little attention to that :)
I really enjoyed every aspect of diverse patients I encountered with. Through this experience I learned the value of true holistic and individual care.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Cultural diversity / Volunteering Opportunities; Unique qualities of Emory? [6]

I guess this gives a good starting point.I wish if you interchanged the first and second paras. You talk about your background and then connect to Emory rather than making a statement at the beginning. I feel this is going to be a great opening for your essay :)

Here you show how you are going to take the advantage of Emory's features & that is exactly what the prompt requests :)
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / First Prize in National Olympiad in Informatics; Lafayette supp- Why not? [6]

I mentioned other girls because computer science is considered to be a major for boys in most people's minds... I want to break this kind of prejudice :)

:D ... okkkkkkkkkk... but it sounds a bit odd there and therefore I wish you left that out :)

as you have to shorten it, dont be too kind to your own words. u can actually make the same point with more concise sentences.

I think maerd2012 is right. You need to remove certain phrases or words though you don't have a heart to do so. Try and avoid lines that have repetitive ideas.

OK.... here's my help;

"Drop it! This is not for you girls!" After seeing my score, the boys laughed at me, the only girl in computer science club.

"Hey! this is not for girls!", laughed the boys at my poor score. .... I took "only girl" part to the next line;

"Maybe you would better reconsider your choice. You know, most of the members in our club have learned programing for over four years but you have just started it." My teacher tried to dissuade me in a friendlier manner. I had longed to learn programing for years but my score... Embarrassed, I did not know how to response.My teacher smiled comfortingly, " Well, you can think it over. Just if you drop the club, you may have more time to learn something else like math. You are really good at it."

.... I guess the part in bold you can leave out because the teacher's intention is already expressed by the previous line. It sounds repetitive;

"Why not you reconsider your choice? Most of them are senior programmers who learned programming for over four years. You just started only",my teacher said politely. This is what I longed for, but my poor score messed it up. I, the only girl in the computer science club, was lost for words to respond.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Proud to be a Titan; Common App -Community [4]

Hi csfantran,

It gave me a good laugh during this stressful process

... I don't get what you mean because I did not mean to say anything funny. Neither I did mean to run down your writing. Is that it my feed back what made you laugh ? If so, what's so funny about it?

I'm curious to know :D
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Academic atmosphere/ Professors/ Students; What excites you about Union? (150 words) [6]

Your answer contains valid points, however, I wish if you presented it more creatively. The problem is with the beginning of the essay, but towards the end you show more creativity :D

There are so many applicants that you need to compete with. So, your answers need to stand out. However, you have good points and with a little effort on polishing presentation, it would turn out to be a great answer.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Parents expect children to spend long time studying in and after school -IELTS 2013.1 [7]

Nowadays,it is a widely common opinion among parents that children should not only do well in school but also reinforce acknowledge after school.

... I feel it is better to present your ideas in a more simple tone. That's more appealing;
Nowadays, many parents believe that children should do well not only in academics but also in extracurricular activities.

which leads to the significantdecrease in children's free time.

which consumes a significant portion of children's free time.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / "My feeble voice"+"theater" MAIN ESSAY [8]

How do you like the content?

Very good :)
Only I wish if you posted the prompt so that I could have checked whether your answer is aligned well with the topic. Do it if you can, so that I'd have another look. Overall, I liked it and sounds like you have a real good case to put forward. However, I found grammar issues here and there. I can help you one more time and before that, post your prompt :)
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / SCARED OF PRESENTATIONS; EXPERIENCE - left comfort zone [2]

As I stand, the heat crawls up my legs, into my trunk and slowly rises up to my head like a glass fills with water.

.... hey ... you get us to feel the exact nervousness :D.... Very good!

Coming from a normal Nepali school where theoretical one-sided learning is popular, presentations were not the first thing that came to my mind when the word learning was spelled.

Coming from an average Nepali school which concentrated more on theoretical academic learning while giving very low priority for academic applications, the word "presentation" had no place in my whole vocabulary. .... I can understand :D
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / First Prize in National Olympiad in Informatics; Lafayette supp- Why not? [6]

You know, most of the members in our club have learned programing for over four years but you have just started it.

...but you've only just started.

My teacher tried to dissuade me in a friendlier manner.

.... in a polite manner.

I understood why they said so. I was the only girl in the club who had just taken two lessons and other girls all quitted at that time.I was barely a beginner who scored 12 out of 100 in the competition. Was it possible for such a girl to do well in programming?

... past tense of "quit" is the same word "quit" and not "quitted".... Also I don't understand why you mentioned about other girls.... the reason is not clear to the reader;

I understood what they meant. Being the only girl in the club with only a couple of lessons I was barely a beginner who scored 12 out of 100 at the competition.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / "My feeble voice"+"theater" MAIN ESSAY [8]

This response occurs often after I talkingtalk to someone in high spirit

I talk as others whisper; others talk as I shout.

.... you present this idea very beautifully :)
I agreed dimly, remembering how my parents pointing out my shyness and reticence, which are revealed by my faint voice, as my huge disadvantages all the time through my childhood.

Still, my voice does not really influence my life until I was become the president of the school Drama Club.

.... here you use several tenses that tend to confuse the reader.... you better maintain one tense and I feel past tense is the best option;

My poor voice continued to be an obstacle for everything I did until I was appointed as the president of the school Drama Club.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Using cell phone while driving should be banned [6]

Using cell phone while driving delays reaction and braking time.

... well, this sounds like an example. So you should have this to follow your reason. Therefore I suggest you start your para like;
It is dangerous to drive while talking to someone on phone because such conversations distracts the driver's concentration on driving . .... this is your reason and now come with the example;

A study at the University of Utah that was published in the journal "Psychological Science" stated that "people who had conversations on any type of cell phone were twice as likely to hit the person in front of them, braked slowly and accelerated slower after breaking." Which, cell phone is the significant distraction that causes accidents.

With that you write an excellent body para :)
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Living with friends or alone Vs living with families; IELTS [4]

Most people in the world have spent approximately more than eighteen years with their family which is enough of their life time. Such fact has led the people to dream their own ruled worlds after finishing their basic education.

Well .... you present this idea as a very general one, but many would oppose to this. So, it's better to present this as the way you think;

Many people in the world spend at least eighteen years with their families and I guess it is enough for their life time. This is why, in my opinion, people dream of living their lives independently as per their own set of rules, the moment they finish their basic education.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / People live longer lives now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. [2]

The lifestyles of modern people are different from the lifestyles ofpeople from the past.

... people of the past.

Everything is different starting with the food and ending with professions.

... this sounds repetitive as the previous line covers this idea completely

And certainly one's lifestyle affects his lifespan a lot.

.... good point : ) Yes of course it does.

People are living longer now, because unlike ancient people we have comfortable heated homes,we eat fresh food, for we have refrigerators and one of the most important factors is that we have qualified medicine

... there's lots of controversy going on about the food we eat today. However, for longer lives, the main reason is that the rapid advancement of medicinal world; medicines, medical appliances and tools, medical therapies etc.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts:necessity of extra benefits for employees [5]

Always post your essay prompt so that others can give you more relevant comments. : )

numerations

.... the correct word is "remunerations" which means salaries

I vindicate this opinion owing to a number of reasons,

.... vindicate is not the appropriate usage here.
You can say;
I support this idea/ I agree with this opinion/ I too hold the same view/ I defend this view/
Be careful when you use key words because you need to use them in appropriate places. It's always better not to experiment with words that you are not very sure of their usage. The best way to enhance your knowledge of vocabulary and their appropriate usage is reading others' essays. You may find many good essays here on similar topics.
dumi   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / EDUCATION & PERSONAL GROWTH; OBERLIN SUPP [2]

Ever since my parents brought home our Yamaha grand piano, music has played a major role in my life.

Ever since my parents brought home our Yamaha grand piano, music began to play an important role in my life.

I was happy with my instrument, and still am, but as I've grown older and learned from the many experiences that come with age, I've found it difficult to focus solely on the piano.

... looks a bit too lengthy. It's good if you split this into two because otherwise the reader needs memorizing parts which he doesn't like :D

The part in bold letters, I find sort of breaking your smooth flow up to that point. Here's my suggestion;
Without any doubt, I'm still passionate about playing my piano. However, as I was growing older and experiencing new things in life, my interests began expanding to other areas as well.
dumi   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Holistic care & Sincere compassion ; Nursing Statement of Purpose - UCLA [4]

My family is plagued with medical issues. My eldest sister lost her battle against ovarian cancer at the age of 10, my father was gravely ill for years with an unknown diagnosis, my other sister was born with a cleft palate, and I was diagnosed with a mild case of scoliosis.

... I guess that inclusion is important.

hildhood aversions aside, however, I ultimately let go of these unpleasant recollections once I realized that the hospital saved my dad, allowed my sister to feel more confident, and helped me stand straight and tall.

.... strong sentence :) You've presented it very cleverly :)

With notable research programs and a wide array of opportunities for clinical practice, the UCLA School of Nursing well exceeds my professional ambitions.

... this is the para you are talking about UCLA. I feel it is better to start with telling them how you got attracted to UCLA program. Tell them how and why you began to like UCLA ; and then tell them about its capabilities that help you achieve your goal.
dumi   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Financial Reasons; Why I took up Gap year [5]

Taking a gap year is a somewhat foreign subject to many of my high-school friends. My friends, who are now freshmen in college, often ask me what it feels like to take a gap year and how I benefit from it. In these situations, I can confidentially tell them that taking a gap year was a great decision for me. My gap year has provided me with incredible opportunities that helped me rethink my direction in life and clarify the goals I want to achieve.

Taking up a gap year is somewhat alien to many of my high-school friends. They often ask me what it feels like and how I am going to benefit from it. I don't hesitate to answer them that it is one of best decisions I ever made because it provided me with incredible opportunities that helped transform my timid character to one with great confidence and determination. Also it had me rethink about my direction in life and clearly understand my goals for the future.
dumi   
Jan 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Ignoring national celebrations and enjoying themselves? [10]

Celebrations became an integral part of our social life.

.... align this more with the topic
National celebrations are an integral part of our social life.

Though people are celebrating public and private important days, I feel they are more specific in personal day's celebration.

Although people celebrate important days of both national and private, I feel they pay more attention to celebrated days that are of personal nature.

In my essay I will explore why I think so.

.... this sounds a bit stereo type :D ...I generally advise everybody to state their opinion right here in the introduction as it helps the examiner to follow the reasoning in rest of the essay better as he already knows which side of the argument the writer is in.
dumi   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Childhood Obesity - Sophie Davis essay #2 Major Domestic Problem [9]

the pleasant memories of my childhood years were effortlessly replaced withheart breaking concerns for the coming generation.

... I suggest "alarming concerns" instead of "heart breaking" .

Facts show that the majority of Americans agree that poor parenting is the major cause of childhood obesity.

... strong point and you have presented it very nicely.

When it comes to their children, many parents and guardians are reluctant or embarrassed to admit that they might have a problem

.... I wish if you were more specific about the problem here and the reader would understand what you mean only when he proceeds to other lines of the essay. Don't leave the reader in an ambiguous status :)

Nice Job and I wish you Good Luck!
dumi   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / "Guns don't kill people, people kill people"; Suny Common App [6]

This is well written. I wish if you had posted the essay prompt too, so that we can comment on its alignment to the prompt as well. I guess the topic may be something like "National issue". However, this is very well presented and hope it is in line with what the prompt asks for.

I only wish if you changed this line as some people may find it racial because you are specifically pointing at one country. That's just a suggestion and not my opinion. :)

"Is this man going to war in Iraq?

Overall, very good job!
& GOOD LUCK!
dumi   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / CHANGING SCHOOLS; U of Richmond/Stepping out of Comfort Zone [2]

Stepping out of my comfort zone is something that I have always had trouble with. Sticking with what I was already accustomed to and had already proven myself to be good at in the past was how I went about making decisions. Looking back, I realize that because of this I missed out on opportunities that could have led to new and improved aspects of life. Now, I have been changing the way I think about approaching new challenges and tasks and am more willing to put myself out there in order to to take chance to have success, even if the success is not guaranteed. For example, this year I have been taking harder classes in school and applying myself more in new sports in order to get better, at the risk of failing, where otherwise I would have accepted where I was without pushing.

Well... your prompt wants you to talk about an experience that you had to leave your comfort zone. But in this first para, we cannot grasp anything serious about such experience. Instead you talk mostly about your inability to leave comfort zone. I think you should not begin your answer with this negativity. At the end, you may bring up this idea as you go on with presenting your analysis. But, I guess you better not do it at the start.
dumi   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / City/ People/ Diversity/ Homeliness/ Unity/ Resources; Seattle U - GOOD MATCH? [2]

my mother seems to always find a way to nurse me back to health.

.... I wish if you kept this in past tense. I guess that way it sounds better;
my mother seemed to always find a way to nurse me for a speedy recovery.

The image of her feeding me a bowl of soup seems to have always had a special place in my heart and inspired me to be someone just as caring, influential and compassionate.

.... this is a strong sentence that beautifully reveals how your passion developed :)
The image of her feeding me seems to have always had a special place in my heart and inspired me to be someone just as caring, influential and compassionate as her.
dumi   
Jan 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: the use of computer can replace many functions of museums and libraries? [2]

With the continuing acceleration in digitization of information, museum has faced a revolutionary development.

I wish if you adopted a more simpler tone for the opening sentence.

While I accept that the use of computers is causing the change in the functions of museums and libraries, I believe that both museums and libraries are still necessary for citizens and society.

...keep them in plural form
While I accept that computers have the ability to replace many functions of museums and libraries, I believe that these institutions need to be kept running for the benefit of citizens and society at large.

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