Research Papers / Popularity of different professions (chart/survey) [2]

One way to improve the first sentence is this:
The bar chart illustrates the results of a survey on the popularity of various jobs.

It can be seen that there are tow two groups of occupations, those with a positive rating and those with a neg ative rating, and of the two the former with seven jobs is larger than the latter with only four jobs.

In the first group, footballers and computer engineers came top were the most popular with 90% rating, 20% higher than nurses at 70%.

Being less popular, actor, actress and pop stars were next with equal score of about 64%. Doctors and teachers scored at 48% and 45% respectively(put a period at the end of this sentence.)

Bankers' popularity was twice as much as that of politicians(minus 5 compared with minus 10)(put a period here at the end)

Capitalize the I:
in In conclusion, footballers and computer engineers were cited as the two most popular occupations while traffic wardens was represented the opposite.

:-)

Undergraduate / "mathematical principles in theatre", Education Essay For Admissions -Goddard College [3]

Awesome... Frezard put a lot of time into this project...

I want to help with this sentence:
My mission is not narrowly defined as "working in theatre in order to make it relevant."
I added quotes to specify what you are referring to. Does that seem okay?

Here are two versions of another sentence:
I feel that there need to be more creative solutions to the problem, and I have been working on gaining the experience and knowledge needed for this task.

or
I feel that there need to be more creative solutions to the problem and have been working on gaining the experience and knowledge needed for this task.

In this second version, you need no comma because you are saying "I feel... and -----> have been" but in the first example it should have a comma because I added "I"

Also, let's look at an analogy that might give you good ideas:
Theater is to film as live concerts are to recorded music.
Therefore, theater will always be relevant! Live music will never be a thing of the past, and neither will theater.

I'd like to find a way to expand on mathematical principles in theatre with theatre itself. --- very impressive!! I think representatives of any school will feel lucky to have you.

Graduate / IELTS-Children should be taught competitive or cooperative. [3]

Hello Fordragon, if you have time, try typing the essay with the corrections, and we will see if we can make it perfect.

In the present age, society has become much more competitive than ever...--- good

Many people embrace the view that children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete, and it is partly because...

Moreover, a research study conducted by ...

Even so, a great amount of people take a difference stance. They believe that...--- this is a way to say they "support another view."

...can accelerate the advancement of the ...

cubs young generation, physically and mentally, which turns out to make them healthier.

Viewing thw question from this angle, it seems to be true.

A common expression is "As far as I am concerned..."
As far as I am concerned, I do ...

So... please apply some corrections and try again! Do you have questions?

Undergraduate / Without grading students do not bother to study hard, cope with challenges, overcome difficulties [3]

Grade is the kind of noun that needs "the" or "a"
A grade is a mark given in an exam or for a piece of school work.-- I used "or" because you can get a grade for an exam OR for a piece of school work.

Your thesis statement is good. However, do grades also discourage students sometimes?

Grades motivate and build competitive spirit among students.----- the grade does not motivate the spirit. It motivates the students. So, we should write:
Grades motivate students and increase competitive spirit.

Indeed, students defeat compete with each other by studying hard to get high scores.

Use a capital letter for the beginning of every sentence:
How can he get this grade? Is he better than me?

And I think this sentence needs "all"
I think we all ask ourselves these questions at least one time during our education.

This may be too short or it may not be. You have to find out by asking the teacher! Thanks for participating here! :-)

Undergraduate / UWM admission statement : HOW will your presence enrich our community? [2]

This is excellent. I like this whole essay, but I think you should give some more specific ideas about your goals for the future.

Also, I think the place to revise is the intro: Therefore, I am a unique person and I believe my presence will enrich Madison's community. Moreover, I hope the University of Wisconsin-Madison will give me a chance to continuously contribute uniqueness to campus and shape my personality. This does not have much meaning. It is not specific, and you do not do a good job of analyzing the quote. Know what I mean? I think you can do a better job of introducing the main idea of the essay and showing an interesting connection between it and the quote.

Undergraduate / "The road to college as a psychologist" - stanford essay: why a good fit [12]

That's why Stanford fits me so well. Situated in sunny California, Stanford overlooks the great Pacific that I yearn for. --- this is brochure stuff. I think you can do better.

Academically, it is ranked number one in the major of psychology. ---number one out of how many schools?

As a child, I was sent to see a psychologist for ADHD treatment. --- this sentence seems liks an abrupt change of subject. I think you should write one solid sentence about the environment in which you want to take your psychology education, which of course is this school. Then, discuss research interests and BRIEFLY mention your childhood experience when you discuss your interest in ADHD and child psychology.

Know what I mean?

And the rest of the essay seems great...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL--A job with more vacation time is better....& Teachers should show their... [6]


Famous writers use commas in different ways, and their uses have changed with time.

My favorite approach is that of Strunk and White in The Elements of Style.

Writing Feedback / "alcohol is the cause of most College student death" - My significant moment [3]

This has too many unnecessary details. Imagery details are great, but meaningless details like names and street addresses are not helpful. Create an experience for the reader by taking out as many details as you can and leaving only the imagery words that create an experience while the story unfolds.

Also, use paragraphs!! They are a necessary means of organization, so the reader does not have to organize it mentally while reading. :-)

On that fateful night I devoted my life to making others aware that I almost lost my life do to drunk driving...

Undergraduate / "goals of my dad" - Drexel Essay with the major of Business [4]


After this sentence, it would be good if you specified what it is you mean. You can add this sentence at the end of that first paragraph: "I want to major in XXXX at XXXXX because of my passion for XXXXXX."

overweighed outweighed

And be specific when you refer to his goal and to your goals. Name the goals when you refer to them.

Also:
The goals of My dad's pursuit of his goal led me to see the reality of dreams...

:-)

Graduate / "What makes me come alive?" - Personal Statement and Grade Explanation [4]


This is something I forgot to comment on the first time. Strike this right out. I don't know how to explain why, but if you look at the sentence without this phrase in the way, you'll see that it is more powerful.

It is in my quest to change the world that I realized that it is the world that is changing me. --- if you have this at the end of the first para, it makes the reader store this in the mind as a major point to remember when interpreting your meaning. You should either make this a theme that you come back to at the end or ADD a sentence (my favorite technique.) Add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph; now that you have written and revised the whole thing, refine the thesis one last time by adding another sentence to the end of that first paragraph.

Another option would be to refer again at the end of the essay to "how the world was changing me"
Do you know what I mean? There needs to be a connection between the last para and the end of the first. That is a good rule to follow with a lot of essays.

Undergraduate / "Life is Holey" - Submitting to NYU, Elon, U of M, SUNY Fredonia [5]

a desert whose body has become riddled with bullet holes...
The reference to walking in a desert confused me at the start. Maybe it's meaning is lost on me, but I don't know... how do you feel about that first sentence? Can you think of another way to write it that would accomplish the same thing in a way that is even better?


Ha ha, this is your idea of an optimistic ending? ---> hopefully I'll stray from his fate and keep my composure intact. It's inevitable that tomorrow's brilliant sunny day will bring yet another pesky obstacle, so letting today's hitch stand in the way of my ultimate succession would be absolutely useless. That is not very optimistic! Ha ha, anyway, it does not need to be optimistic This whole thing shows deep understanding of the book and of yourself, and it is really high quality writing.

it is perfect for this: 'Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.)

Research Papers / The relationship between samurai and ninja in feudal Japan, Essay Topic Help (IB) [2]

This is a good one. I read that the ninja were taught by the warrior monks. I also read that they were clans of peasants rebelling against the authority of the samurai class. I also read that they were assassins for hire. Over the centuries, ninja have been many things, I think! Two famous clans are Togakure and Koga.

I think if you research historical records of ninja, you'll come to certain prominent clans. You will narrow your thesis by discussing one or two particular ninja clans and their contemporaries. That's my prediction. So, do your research, and narrow the scope of your paper to the level of the clans you cover.

Be sure to give the paper an overarching theme!

Undergraduate / Caltech Engineering Essay, my ideas to come to fruition [5]


I don't think "however" is necessary here:
However, I, At the time, found the maze of complex wiring and indecipherable parts incomprehensible.

This is great, and I love how it ends with another reference to Billy Mays. I think you did great.

I would move "blindly"
Although my passion for inventing blindly drove me blindly down this route, I finally began to appreciate the dedication of the inventors I had previously discredited.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: More stress for younger generation? [11]

Well, it could result in disaster if the method I describe is used incorrectly, but what I have in mind is actually no different from what we do all the time.

I know how to ask "Where is the bathroom?" in Spanish. Because of this, I also know how to ask the whereabouts of other things. So, the sentence "Where is the XXXXX?" is very useful to me. I use it to learn how to write many other sentences.

Similarly, I can use a methodical process for an essay. An essay might require me to argue against something:
If I know how to write a sentence to make an argument that some Thing #1 is "dishonest" and therefore not a good idea, I can also figure out how to revise that sentence to argue that Thing #2 is "unreliable" and therefore a bad idea.

So, the method I am suggesting is like a prearranged form practiced by a martial artist or a song learned by a musician. It is not a way to cheat or anything bad like that. It is a way to practice mastering the way to write sentences and paragraphs that will make a good essay.

Writing Feedback / Comprehensive Note on ' The impossible is often the untried' [3]


Nice! Simpler really is better. It is easier for the writer and for the reader, so it enables the reader to have a powerful experience. That may be why Stephen King encourages brevity and simplicity, and why Hemingway is famous for it.

I will help with these sentences below. I hope you practice typing them 10 times the correct way, and think about the meaning:

We think about any matter is impossible than it is impossible because we are not trying to make it possible. When we change our attitude and try how to make it possible. Then it does not remain impossible.

When we think about any matter as impossible, then it really is impossible, because we are not trying to make it possible. When we change our attitude and try to make it possible. Then it does not remain impossible.

Their constant efforts become fruitful and civilization -has we have today accumulates, little by little, their toil.
Their constant efforts become fruitful, and little by little civilization benefits because of their toil. (in this sentence, "benefits" is used as a verb.)

:-)

Undergraduate / the THS marching and concert band - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity [6]

Looking back, I have used the discipline I learned in band to become a more focused and dedicated student."--- can you rephrase this to give a general example? What I mean is... can you add a phrase that shows HOW the discipline transfers? What is the nature of the process you use to discipline yourself in band, and how does it transfer to the academic setting? Can you write this conclusion sentence in a way that alludes to the nature of that phenomenon to which you are referring -- that insight about discipline which you have learned to apply in your studies?

Undergraduate / UCF-Essay about a unique quality or characteristic that I possess [5]

Not "constant word" ... it's "constantly been hearing"
the word I've been constantly hearing...

I don't really know if it's a unique talent, but very few people are able to be Props Designer for more than one production .

I think this sentence is unnecessary:
There could be plenty of reasons to why people are terrified of doing props. I know one reason is because they can't take...

...my goal of being Props Designer on Broadway.

If you divide this into three paragraphs, you can have a first paragraph that ends with a memorable thesis statement that answers the prompt question, a paragraph 2 that begins with a topic sentence that adds another interesting idea, and a conclusion paragraph that talks about how all this will affect your approach to your studies at UCF.

Writing Feedback / Revolutionary / communication is better than other types of communication [2]

However, I still assert that face-to face communication is superior to other means.

For example, the modern logistics enable us to deliver letters or documents globally within a day or two.

However, face-to-face communication is equally or more in important in daily life since better communication requires mutual feedback through gestures, facial expressions, and so forth.

For example, it is hard to imagine that students won't need to go to school and study at home via phoning to teachers in future.

In teaching situations, experienced teachers need to sense if their pupils understand the new knowledge via eye contacting, students' feedback to academic questions and so forth.----good point!! I agree with your argument!

So face-to-face communication is less possible likely to result in delays .

In conclusion, although revolutionary communication means assist people in work and bring more entertainment in life, I still approve believe that face-to-face communication is the best way to express oneself explicitly and efficiently since facial expression, eye contact , and gestures are equally important part in an efficient communication, and face-to-face communication is not as time-consuming as other methods.

:-)

Undergraduate / Important truths + Originality: GRE ANALYTICAL Writing : TWO topics [3]

Truthful things for one person can be completely false for another. If speaking about truth in its general meaning and about correlation of global truth within the concrete time I am in full agreement with this statement.

that it almost always happened to be outrageous and uncomfortable and therefore contradicts with the wisdom of the time. --- I don't understand this sentence.

The last statement can be supported with some facts from the world's history.

To begin in chronological order, it worthwhile to remember about Feminism's origination.

... particularly uncomfortable for most of the white Americans to live with Black people in the same neighborhoods, to allow children of all colors to study and the same class and, most ridiculous alarming, to seat in random order in public transportation. All of those claims ("claims" is the wrong word. I do not know what you mean...) seem to be natural and truthful for modern people, but not for the people of those years who had been still covered with the tortured wisdom of those years.

There are some theories in philosophy which state the idea of cyclic and spiral development of the world's global history. --- very good!!

According to the spiral conception all events that happened in the past will occur later after some period of time but on the a level higher than before.

Either way, without this process the experience of ancestors would have been forgotten and the basis for cultural evolution would be destroyed.

:-) I am impressed with your ideas! The English writing is not always correct, but you have real understanding.

Graduate / 'Research project and industrial' - Personal Statement for MSc Energy and Environment [6]

This is very good! I am impressed. I think the best thing to do is work on the first sentence of the essay and also the MAIN THEME of the essay.

I hope you will add a sentence before that first sentence... a sentence that will suggest a particular idea about the important truth that motivates you to enter this field.

It will be great if you give a personal observation at the beginning, mention it again in the middle of the essay, and then mention it one last time at the end. Repeat a clever phrase in the first and last paragraph of the essay. :-)

Give the reader a theme to remember. Right now it is very impressive, but it is "all business."

Undergraduate / GRE-TOPIC: ISSUE191 - "Education should be equally devoted to enriching the personal [2]

To the question of whether education should equally emphasize enriching the personal lives of students and job-oriented lessons, I hold the opinion that the goals of different education institutions are different from one and other. ----please look at the small changes I made here, and practice typing the correct way.

To begin with, enriching personal lives and training students to be productive workers are not mutually exclusive.

In fact, enriching the personal lives of students prepares them to be good workers.---- keep plural with plural.

Again, plural:
It is waste of resources for the university to teach the students the knowledge they will never use in the rest of their lives.

Moreover, the education for personal lives plays an important role in the work life after their graduation. The lessons about philosophy, art, sociology, and politics which broaden the students' minds , and helps them better understand, appreciate, and cooperate with others. They will be more tolerant to different viewpoints and more easily communicate with others. These are also the important qualities for a productive worker.

Practice typing the sentences and speaking them the correct way. Take this one for example:
They will save time by preventing misunderstanding and following the direction of their leaders.

:-)

Writing Feedback / How technological development affect traditional skills and way of life in a country? [3]

It has created devastating effects on our traditional skills and I believe that we should try to keep our identity.---- I think you can write this thesis in a better way. You should actually add another sentence to express the big message of the whole essay. Add another sentence to the end of this first paragraph.

You are writing very well! I like your ideas.

Traditional skills are our culture and heritage, which should be transferred to young generation. For instance, traditional skills like Ayurveda, which is non-side effective medical treatment, can be a better option for people with skin cancers, whereas allopathic treatment has many side effects.

:-)

Undergraduate / Impoverished family but supportive parents, school - my world [2]

Hong Kong, an affluent city in South East China, is the place where I born. However I lived with family in a region which everyone called "City of Sadness". My mother, originally was a worker in the sewage department, has resigned to take care of my brother, sister and me since I was five. Now my father was the only income earner. School fees, textbooks and other expenses increased dramatically.

Look at the corrections I made above. Practice typing the correct way.

His salary could barely make the ends meet, but he worked harder and persevered. It makes me realize I have to work hard.

I discovered my interest in Physics and Engineering. I started to dream about being a great scientist and inventing ultimate new machines.

When I was told I entered one of the top high schools in the territory, I was overjoyed. I not only appreciate the reputation but also the support provided.

I think the reader will know how serious you are and feel impressed!

Undergraduate / "All of these opportunities" - Northwestern Supplement 2010 [2]


When you end the first paragraph, you should say something more specific and more powerful, something about the main idea of your essay or the most important idea to you.

This is a little too much like a brochure at the start. Try to shorten those sentences about the city and the school size, etc, and just mention them very briefly. Think of a contradiction associated with your major, and then write a profound thesis statement about the significance of contradiction in your chosen field.

This will be more impressive if you talk less about the size and location and more about professors, articles and research projects associated with the school, contributions made by students and faculty to econ. and pol sci. Know what I mean? Focus on the school as a portal into your chosen field, and write this essay accordingly. Instead of mentioning high school, mention the work you would like to do 5 years from now.

Undergraduate / "Spanish was my motivation to begin my scholastic career", Statement of Purpose UT [4]

Change that semi-colon to a colon in the first para.

You have a cool username.

Um... add one more sentence to that first para, and make it a thesis statement that will plant your main idea in the reader's mind! :-)

"Err... Uh. I, uh... Estoy... oh. Lo siento..." I tried fumbling with my phrase book, but I was too nervous to actually find something useful. --- excellent insight there. Clever, too. I also like your intro.

Okay, at the end of the first para and in the conclusion para, I think you should talk about specific plans as a translator, teacher, and whatever else... Maybe you are not interested mostly inSpanish, but actually in language itself -- all language. Go deeper in your introspection so that the reader can really appreciate your ideas and passion for language.

I don't know if it is too long. Give admissions a call. :-) Eres una escribadora fantastica.

oh.. I mean escritor! Nevermind, ha ha, I am not good at Spanish... :-)

Writing Feedback / Comprehensive Note on ' Flatterers get together,the devil goes for dinner' [4]

Corruption, nepotism, favoritism is are some byproducts of this evil.

The flattered person loses touch with reality when he is surrounded by flatterers, and he starts to work according to their wishes.

The flattery first targets merit. It directed towards gaining undeserved favor which may be a position, contract, or any matter of importance. ---- excellent sentence!! I cannot write sentences as good as this. You are doing well.

If an employee gets a promotion due to his flattery skill instead of hard work and competence in the position, then the morale of other workers is adversely effected, and the same goes for the effectiveness of the company. ---- another good one!!!

Practice typing these with the corrections I made. Practice each sentence 10 times!!! Typie the correct way over and over 10 times, and speak it aloud.

I think you are making good progress.

Undergraduate / Computer Science - field of study and how it relates to your career plans. [5]

To study softwar e engineering was a natural choice afterwards.

During my undergraduate studies at the Computer Science department of Faculty of Computers and Information, Menufia University, I wanted to start my career as early as possible.

We received 70% fun from the government. ---- when I was in college, it was 70% fun too!!!!!! And it was 20% parties at the dorm, 8% parties at peoples apartments, and 2% studying.

Very impressive stuff here: I felt excited about the potential of new research in this area.
I think any school will be happy to accept such a serious scholar.

I wanted to conduct a research study to solve the problem of having large number of customers.

or

I want to conduct research to solve...

How to can managers effectively sever accommodate increasing number of users, scale the service vertically by adding new servers, managing clusters of servers, distributing and backing up databases, and securing the network infrastructure?

Great job!

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]


So you told him she was cheating?
"She asked me what I was going to do, and I said nothing"--- I thought you already told the teacher!
So... I am confused by that. Sorry!

I think you did a great job with this dialogue: "You. Get up. Sit over there." ---- I forgot to mention in my last post that this is my favorite part of the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: effects of globalization (decrease in global tension) [3]

Let's fix the clarity here:
Although it has undeniably beneficial effects on the economics of the world, it also has side effects which make it a controversial issue.

This essay is excellent. I guess globalization is beneficial to some but not to others. It is like tourism: tourism is beneficial economically, but some of the local people do not share in the profit even though they experience pollution and loss of culture due to tourism. So... everything that benefits many people probably also hurts some people.

Globalization is helpful to many people but also harmful to some people.

I don't understand your question about how to classify the structure of the essay. What do you mean?

Scholarship / Why I want to volunteer at John Hopkins Hospital - Application Essay (200 words) [3]

If you were not so good at writing, I would make suggestions, but I think you will feel very inspired today and think of a perfect sentence. What closing sentence will linger in the reader's mind and help her feel your energy and dedication to the field of medicine?

Also, this sentence is too complex, so I'll make a change:
Watching a surgery for the first time blew me away, and that experience reinforced my tentative idea of going into the medical field, making me feel certain and confident about my plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Coming back from a disaster"- UF admissions essay [3]

Long study nights, late night essay touchups, and extensive reading were typical nightly activities, until October 25, 2009.

There were two months before surgery could be done, and even after that I was told I may never be able to use my hand again, due to the nerve being nearly severed.

Do not use a comma in this sentence:
Being able to take such a negative experience in my life and turn in into something great showed me much about how much determination I have. in my life.

Do you plan to be a journalist? If so, what is your philosophy of journalism? Where do you want to work? Tell a little about your future.

Read Strunk and White! You are a good writer.

Writing Feedback / A narrative essay -First time I experienced an earthquake- Feedback [9]

I had evaded death and lived to tell the story.

The earthquake taught me that life is unpredictable and life should be cherished intensely.

As we took the bus to the church, I remember thinking what a picturesque and tranquil day it was, resembling the calm before the storm. ---- very god!! I think I need you to give me writing lessons. You are eloquent.

The earthquake feels like the ground underneath is having convulsions, shivering up and down with vigorous strength. ----- I am very impressed with this. I think you must be a professional writer!

comma:
Therefore, I know every step I take is a gift, and ever since then I have lived my life to the fullest potential.

I hope you visit this link! essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / "I've learned how to deal with difficult changes" - Meaningful event in my life [3]

The beginning is boring, because although those details about place and date are meaningful to you, they tax the reader's attention which should be given to your powerful sentences. I think it is good to do this:

I was born in Suffern, New York on April 4th, 1993. I lived in a small town called Greenwood Lake for 13 years of my life. I had spent my childhood in the same neighborhood, in the same home, and with the same friends and schoolmates. However, o On July 17th, 2006 I found myself on a one-way trip to Florida, never to return to what I use to call home. My dad had recently retired from ...

See how exciting that is at the start? Begin there, at the first exciting sentence. :-)

THESIS STATEMENT:
...this was happening to me. (right here, at the end of the first paragraph, write a sentence that sums up the meaning of the whole essay, the moral of the story.)

:-)

Book Reports / Strong Thesis in My Literary Essay of THE SCARLET LETTER [4]


Excellent! This is very good advice. We are lucky to have you here, Kahlil. You have the same name as one of my favorite writers! Can you guess who it is?

Use " " marks for clarity:
Although the scarlet A is only one symbol, the symbolic meaning unexpectedly changes from "adulterer" to "alienation" then again to "able."

This is good, but it can be better. Go deeper in your thinking.
Like this:
Although the scarlet A is only one symbol, the symbolic meaning unexpectedly changes from "adulterer" to "alienation" and then again to "able," and Hawthorne probably chose to do this because _______________...

Writing Feedback / Too much is spent on pets than starving people of Africa, your opinion. [3]

But because of this, do we neglect our own species across the ocean in Africa, where they do not even know of computers and organic food ?

Standpoint is one word.

Capitalize Internet.

If these pets were your children you would: raise them, nurture them, pay for everything they need and make them experience the best possible life they can.

This is written incorrectly:
"What is your opinion on that too much is spent on nurturing and caring of our pets than the starving people of Africa?"

It should say this:
"What is your opinion on the idea that too much is spent on nurturing and caring of our pets than when an insufficient amount is spent to help the starving people of Africa?"

I think you should write a sentence that tells your opinion. Tell your opinion in a single sentence, and put it at the end of the first paragraph as your THESIS STATEMENT.

Undergraduate / "if I make it to the school.." - If You Had An Opportunity to do something again [3]

Once in a while, I flash back and reminisce about things I could have done more appropriately.

The changes I would make is to take include taking every bit of my school work seriously; after all, everything is being taught for a reason, so I wouldn't take some things as unnecessary. Mo reover, teachers wouldn't give students ...

Importantly, I would follow up during free time on every note taken down in class and things taught. Th at way it stays intact in the brain. What contributed about 75% of my high school complications was chemistry. I had no interest in it. I felt it was useless to say the least, and it wasn't as practical as other sciences so my mind wasn't in line to comprehend it. --- very good sentence.

I want you to read a novel that you like and speak the sentences aloud. When you come to a period at the end of a sentence, say "period" to program your brain the right way. You have many sentences that are "run on sentences," which means they should be divided into 2 sentences instead of being one long one. So the way to practice is to read aloud your favorite novel and say "period" at theend of every sentence. That will give you a sense of how to improve.

Well, I still have a chance to be in the top quarter of my graduating class in my dream university, Purdue, and I am positive if I make it to the school, if asked to write on this topic again in future, the content would not be the same content as this. ---- very good ending!!!

Graduate / 'scientific research in China' - 1st draft SoP of Computational Math [6]


I have to say, I really like this introduction. I would like to see you correct the errors and keep it in the essay. It is very thoughtful and interesting:

Maybe when Americans are little, they dream about being an astronomers, doctors, or lawyers. ------ see the correction? The nouns are plural and the verbs are in the presente tense.

While The circumstance in China when I was young caused most of the children to be stuck with the idea of becoming scientists, because scientists seems to be extremely smart, and they do their jobs by discoverin g mysteries.

:-)

Writing Feedback / I disagree that television has destroyed communication between friends and family. [10]


If you see some, please show the writer how they can be corrected.


Look at the corrections we made already, and type a new draft. That is the only way to practice. Here is another way to improve it:

But we have to be sure that it will not hang make us focus too much on low quality goods. like program and serials. We should not make allow ourselves to become addicted to television. If we can't control our addiction then there are also many other potential threats like computers, video games, the Internet, etc. which may be destroying communication between family and friends.

Writing Feedback / The advertising is the main cause of unhealthy eating habits. [6]


I don't think irreplaceable is good here, because it implies that we want advertising to play this role... a better word might be "instrumental"

This essay is quite good! I cannot find many errors, but the thesis statement is convoluted and awkward. The most important thing to do ius fix the thesis statement:

However, advertising is not the main cause of these unhealthy eating habits in that there are other factors that also give rise to unhealthy eating habits, and they include increasing stress of work, wrong conceptions of beauty, less time for taking a good meal, and regional factors.

:-)

Graduate / "to give patients the utmost compassion and care" Physician Assistant Statement [9]

I think that works, but it could be better. You ALREADY did a great job of celebrating that theme at the beginning and end of the essay. If you use the thesis statement for it as well, it is good, but you could make even better use of the thesis statement. The thesis statement could say something inspired, specific, and indicative of your intentions. Only you can come up with it in a moment of inspiration. If you use this sentence, I think it will be good, but keep aware of your mind's activity and watch for that perfect sentence to convey your intention.