Essays / Essay about your favorite festival (Diwali). [3]

I think you should go to diwalifestival.org/ and look at what they wrote about the festival.

Read 1 sentence and think of a way to explain the idea of the sentence in your own words. Do you know what I mean? Read that website, and then explain it in an essay. You can do it!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Standards of zoos should be leveled up; 'KEEPING ANIMALS IN ZOOS, RIGHT OR WRONG?' [7]


Okay, leaf ninja, this is the most important advice I ever give: Sum up your argument in a sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

So, instead of just saying "both sides will be discussed," you have to also give a sentence that tells the MAIN IDEA you are expressing in the essay. This idea is the PURPOSE for writing the essay. It is an idea that you wanted to express , and it is such an important idea that you wanted to write an essay about the idea.

That is because many zoos, especially the ones in developing countries, do not provide the care and attention which their animals require. ---I made a small change here.

On the other hand, the advocates of zoos believe that zoos provide the...

Many people, especially young children, enjoy going...I moved a comma.

Nice job! This is very good writing.

Writing Feedback / 'positive reinforncement to teach is to praise positive actions, ignore negative ones [3]

The underlying assumption that is therefore needed for the putting forward of my following reasons is that to measure the definition of best, it has to be quantified through an improvement in performance or a revelation of any of that sort.---I only had to cross out those 2 words. Other than that the sentence is correct. Your idea is wise, too. However, I think anyone who can write such a complex sentence also must have the ability to write shorter sentences that will pack a harder punch.

It is best to write in short sentences when you can. Your ideas hit with a heavier punch.


Again, too complicated. Also, if you call them cynics you are saying they are cynical, but it is not reasonable to say someone is cynical if they disagree with you. So, "cynics" is not the best word to use.

It is not possible to argue that it is ALWAYS okay to ignore undesirable behaviors, but it is possible to argue that sometimes you should ignore them. James Mitose said, "Never acknowledge stupidity."

:-)

Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

I think you should try to sum up your main idea in a single sentence and add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph.--that is my most important advice. :-)


To be clear, globalization comes from technology. It does not come from anything other than technology. We could say it comes from imperialism, but even imperialism is a phenomenon rooted in technology.

But the interesting question is this: if globalization makes cultures blend together so that the old versions of cultures disappear, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I see some great discussion above... you are some thoughtful scholars!

Well, here is my question: Is it possible for a culture to DISAPPEAR, or do cultures just blend together like different colors of paint?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay "Our need for friendship may be greater than ever" [4]


Well, I think that first sentence can be okay... let me try to fix it:

Nothing can make us feel worse about ourselves that the conviction that we do not deserved to be loved, and one of the strongest factors that can generate this conviction is the feeling of missing our friends. ---This sentence is okay now. Still, I agree with bhaweshwebmaste. Short sentences are BETTER than long sentence. :-)

In our jampacked lives it is really difficult to find time to sustain friendship, thereafter but after these difficult times our need for friends may be greater than ever.

Use the plural: media
In other respects true friends are precious media for thoughts, emotions and...

Good friends may be not only people with whom someone is comfortable, but also those who could motivate her and force her to level herself up.

:-) Great job! The English is almost perfect with just a few small errors.

Writing Feedback / Topic on Nuclear Technology - To what extend is it dangerous to life on Earth? [2]

Thanks Ajit, great stuff here!

Ramandeep, can you rewrite the essay based on the corrections Ajit gave?

For example, type this sentence:
With nuclear power, poisonous gases like carbon dioxide are not produced during electricity production.---This is the correct way. Practice each sentence the correct way, and speak the sentence aloud to gain the good English grammar habits.

Furthermore, waste due to production power does not affect anyone in its surrounding. As a consequece, nuclear power stations generate electricity without pollution.

Apart from it, In addition to that, with the help of this technology researchers could find the cures for dangerous diseases, such as cancer.

Practice the sentences the correct way. If you type the essay again in the post below, we will look to see if you still have errors.

Thanks for joining our community!

Undergraduate / Graduate level statement of purpose on Educational Research. [7]


Well, the Internet has made research studies widely available, so... if you want to do educational research, it should be because you have a PHILOSOPHY OF EDUCATION that you feel strongly about. You should be focused on making a particular change.

So, how do you make a plan for the big contribution you will make as a researcher? You have to start by reading some recent research articles by researchers whose work you admire.

Discuss recent articles, discuss your phil. of education, and discuss your PLAN.


It's not about what you did. It's about what you are going to do. A leader is a person with a plan.

Go enjoy some recent articles by researchers whom you admire. Let their work inspire your ideas about en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_education and write a Statement of Purpose that is really about your PURPOSE, your plan.

Writing Feedback / Students' motivation should come from teachers and family [7]

You are not allowed to perform this action.

It seems while you were posting your message, the thread was moved or closed and your data cannot be posted. Sorry!

Message:

... in order to inspire him to have school progress.---I just made a small change. Your way was okay.

First, a good source of motivation for a student in class is good teaching techniques.

**** Do not leave a space before the period. Only leave a space after the period:
Therefore , the class is the first place where they should be encouraged and motivated to learn .
Therefore , the class is the first place where they should be encouraged and motivated to learn.

...about the ongoing lesson.

**** Do not leave a space before the comma. Only leave a space after the comma:
Therefore, the class is the first place where they should be encouraged and motivated to learn.

Great sentence! ---> In a very short time I noticed a change in my daughter's behaviour ,and I saw her more interested in learning and more responsible.

Many of your sentences are very good. Keep practicing!!!

Grammar, Usage / Communication in contexts. What does it mean? [15]


Hi Ismael, I can't help you with it yet, because it still does not make sense. It would be irresponsible of me to advise you because I don't understand the question yet.

What is the name of the degree program you are entering?

Essays / The Kite Runner: A Marxist Perspective [4]

Hi Charlotte,

You make the thesis later. Don't make it when you start.

Start by writing about an article that explains Marx's ideas. He explained the imbalance that tends to occur in a capitalist society as wealth accumulates in the hands of just a few people while others suffer.

First, write about an article about Marx, and after that write about a theme from the story. You'll choose some aspect of the story that will be easy to write about in terms of Marxist philosophy.

Undergraduate / Teachers' salaries should be based on their students' academic performance. [2]

The imparting of knowledge in formal learning institutions is done by teachers.

The first reason of my belief is that there is a lack of a standard academic performance tests in place.

Keep it plural: The tests that abound today are mostly aptitude tests, for...

The next problem that would be a question that pertains to students who are taking a minority subject, say for example anthropology?

Furthermore the statement can only hold true assuming that all teachers get students who have the same level of intelligence, commitment, determination etc. Hey, you made a good point here.

:-)

So the validity of the statement essentially falls back on a student is questionable because of the unpredictability of student, for he/her through his attitude can affect the teacher's salary, which sounds outright fallacious.

Writing Feedback / An essay about effects of Living in a Foreign Conuntry! [4]

Living abroad is a tempting opportunity for people, because it could lead to gaining a lot of useful experiences and valuable knowledge.---In this sentence it was helpful to use "ing" to fix it.

In this next sentence, you capitalized "living" when it should NOT be capitalized:
However, Living in a foreign...
However, living in a foreign...---------------Only capitalize the first word of the sentence. The only time you capitalize a word that is not the first word of the sentence is when that word is a name.

People who live away from their countries usually face some effect, and this essay aims to mention the three most common effects of living in a foreign country that can change people's personal lives.---I made small changes to the verb tense.

Living abroad brings a lot of hard times, and it could give some people a new life.-----I made a few small changes to improve the grammar. Do you understand why I made these changes?

Practice the sentences again by typing them with the correct grammar.

Great job! IT is almost perfect...

... but on the other hand it could lead you to get new knowledge, such as how to accept cultures and traditions of other societies. Living abroad is a rare opportunity, that and you should get all of its benefits.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts topic: why do some students study abroad [5]


Raquel, I have nothing to say to you in criticism of the essay. It is perfect. If the ietls is a test of proficiency in the English language, you are ready to pass.

Now that you have mastered the English language, the next step is to blog about your interests. go to blogger.com or something like that, and begin your career. You are talented! Also, please check out EssayForum Contributor Page because we need your help! :-)

Writing Feedback / Less than half of high school graduates with a diploma. - an essay [6]


Sounds like the best kind.


Probably because that is what actually interests you. In my senior year of high school, my grades dropped because I got interested in a particular topic and spent all my time on it!

About closed minded parents... parents are supposed to do their best to understand how to guide a kid and then apply that understanding. So from your perspective they will always seem closed minded. Well, you probably know what I mean. You grads are ready to start raising kids and doing careers, so... you will be the ones trying to guide kids in an open minded way, ha ha...

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Welcome everyone! It's great to have you join our writers' community. I hope you all have time to help some other people by giving them some of your ideas that come to mind when reading their essays.

We especially need help with the essays on the "Unanswered" list.

:-)

Dissertations / Need help on security issues on cloud computing research topic [25]

Search your article database for these terms: security, "cloud computing"

This is the way to find the articles you need. When you find some articles that INTEREST YOU, write 1 paragraph about the main idea of each article.

If you do that, you will have begun your process in an effective way.

:-)

Writing Feedback / ILETS essay. Becoming difficult to escape from media. [4]

Sorry Alisha, I just don't know. I don't know their grading criteria. Some people have told me about it, but I still don't know how to interpret it in the same way as the actual graders.

Please just type the essay 5 more times, and use the corrections people gave you. Practice the correct way, and you will reprogram yourself in the correct way.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS> Are environmental problems too big to be managed by individuals [5]

However, I partly agree and partly disagree with this statement.---------At the end of the first paragraph, this is insufficient. It IS sufficiant for the ietls (probably), but when you write an advertisement or a professional letter, I want you to sum up your WHOLE MESSAGE in a single sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

That is most important.

... can contribute significantly to reducing the impacts of human activities on the environment by a variety of measures. -----This was a long, complicated sentence. I think your essay should only include 1 or 2 sentences like this. They are really not easy sentences to read. (I made a small grammatical change to this one.)

Do it like this:
All things have been considered, and in my view, although countries around the globe can join together to reduce the impacts of human activities on the environment, individual persons and individual countries can still make a tremendous contribution to the fight against environmental problems.

Again, I made some small changes.

:-)

Writing Feedback / what would we do to live longer? [3]

In order to help the essayist, we need to type the sentence the correct way.

Hivarasti, practice typing this 10 times.

Is living longer more beautiful, or living happily more beautiful?
Today, we want to live longer, I think, because most of us have strong wishes and want to achieve them.
In this way you work and perform but generally forget your purpose. Maybe lose your time, money, or even your family.
Living happily is more fun, but we spend our years very fast. You can do a lot of healthy things to live longer.

Parctice that way! you will gain the good English habits.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Communication in contexts. What does it mean? [15]

The CONTEXT is the situation you are in.

So, when I send you a communication, like an email, you will know what I am talking about because you know the situation.

If someone reads your email but does not know the situational context, they might be very confused.

So, when we say we are going to CONTEXTUALIZE something, it means we are going to talk about the other things in the situation.

I hope that helps!!! The context of communication is very important if you want to have good, clear communication.

Writing Feedback / "borrowing money from a friend and friendship" - TOEFL iBT [4]

...others try to help him in solving his solution problem.

But I think in some cases such as borrowing money we should not ask help from our friends because it will be produced produce some difficulties for them or destroy our friendships.

Look at the changes I made above. You had written some verbs in the past tense when you were supposed to write them in the present tense.

Here, I expand explain my reasons for this opinion.

Actually financial problems always are not favorite subjects among friends; sometimes we need money and ask it from our friends while they don't have enough money to borrow lend us, so this issue causes everyone to feel shame or get into trouble trying to provide it for us.

...our friends in time while they count on our promise to pay it back within an established period of time.

:-) Practice typing these sentences again! PRactice typing them the correct way, now that we made some changes for you.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing: taking a gap year or entering university as soon as possible ? [5]

...the choice about which major to study.---I added ABOUT


Don't make little errors, like not capitalizing "I"

Actually, though, your writing is nearly perfect. I see that Naruto has some advice about how to make it more complex and interesting, but I think your writing is ALREADY good enough to pass an English language test. I don't know how they score the writing, so I don't know how to rate it, but I want to mention that the English grammar is nearly perfect and the STRUCTURE of the essay is very good, too.

So... be confident!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: "quick decisions are unsafe decisions" [15]

Thanks! This is great information. I bet a lot of students will benefit from seeing this thread and learning about academic words.

Well, sometimes it is a fun game to try to find ways to use more academic words in your essay. Just do your best! I think you should not worry, because you are ready for the test. You should move on to the more advanced principles of writing.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Children should not sit quietly in their seats and learn in a rote manner. [4]

Well, it seems like you are saying adults should be strict in order to demonstrate to other adults that they are training kids well. That is okay, but for the purpose of learning it is necessary for students to have an active state of mind instead of a passive state of mind. Students need to interact with information in order to learn it.

I guess we are talking about 2 different things! :-)

Undergraduate / "I wanted to be a performer" - My own Ingredients to success [5]

I was raised to see the different perspectives of our society. My family raised me as a God-fearing, studious, and a sophisticated person. ---I crossed out one word.

Past tense:
At an early age, I am was aware of...

what I wanted to be in the future. As a visual learner, I spent most of the day visualizing what I will would be few years in the future.

...to become a successful businessman/CEO. A businessman or a chairman of the board you always talk and propose strategies to the company. ---I do not think this is a goal. I think it is a means to an end. You have a REAL goal, a goal that gives meaning to your life, and in order to achieve that goal maybe you ned to succeed in business. But the industry you enter, the business you maintain... these have to vary according to your real purpose. What is it?

:-)

I must admit that I am an attention seeking, in a good way. I am very much hungry for exposure and attention. And because I am longing for it, I always took take the ...------In this paragraph, you began be writing in the present verb tense, so keep it in the present verb tense.

This is a cool sentence!----> The CYN also though me the He, our Creator, always got my back.
Well done...

Writing Feedback / Laws should be flexible (take account of various circumstances, times, and places) [4]

Thanks, it's great to have you here! it seems like you are already proficient at writing, and now it is time to start learning the advanced techniques.

You can read Strunk and White crockford.com/wrrrld/style.html for example. That is a resource I recommend to a lot of talented writers.

Essays / What is the most important in your life; sport or education? [24]

Well, what is most important... I suppose education just enhances the intellect, while sports enhance the physical health. So, that menas sports are more essential for actually staying healthy and not dying.

But then again, education can also help us to not die. For example, educaiton can help us to know how to find water in the wilderness. Therefore, education can also help us not die.

Anyway, you should just think about this question and come up with a profound idea to share. Write a sentence about the interesting idea you would like to share.

:-) Start with a single sentence, and soon you will be writing an essay.

Writing Feedback / ielts essay - ways of reducing traffic conditions [4]

It is certainly undeniable that traffic in cities today is deteriorating compared to previous times. ----------When you say traffic is DETERIORATING, it means traffic is becoming diminished, and that is not exactly what you are trying to say.

You should say traffic is worsening.

Businessman Do not use "man" because women are just as important.
Businesspeople can now carry out...

If only each of us is able to...

:-)

Research Papers / A report of the proportion of different categories of families living in poverty [3]


Wait a minute... 2 million households rated 11% in WHAT position? This part is unclear.

The couple families were ostensibly in better off with lower poverty levels for couples with children, and the ones without children by 12 and and 7% respectively.

The families of single aged adult in 6% were more than the aged couples with 4%. ---I made a small change, but what you mean here is still a little unclear.

This ending is good and clear:
In general, the table suggests that households of single adult and those with children were more likely to be living in poverty than those consisting of couple.

:-)

Graduate / Ohio State University-"Chemistry can be a solution to many global problems" [6]


Your essay already stands out. By my estimation, you really have a poignant concept and a great presentation... and the fact that you are continuing the work of your mother makes it even more inspirational.

Here is a little grammar error:
My mother's research project and institution were...

And I'll move a comma:
no longer being funded, because during that same year the...

In my search for a college that can help me achieve my goals, I came across Ohio State University for the nation-wide known Chemistry department. I think this sentence could be revised to include a great concept... something to catch the reader's interest. As it is, this sentence is a little boring.

Use a comma:
I am still growing in my knowledge, and I hope to become a part of the Chemistry club in...

Very impressive! :-)

Research Papers / Working on a research paper; I'm writing about the topic of radiation! [2]

Well, where did you come up with that idea you have? You should come up with an idea ONLY after jotting a few paragraphs about the main ideas of some recent articles about radiation.

Collect 5 articles that are about the topic that interests you most (i.e. negative effects on the body), and list the main ideas of those articles. ONLY after considering their ideas should you propose your own idea.

You will propose an idea that is BASED ON the main ideas of the articles you read.

:-)

Graduate / "anxious about lending my contribution to society" - Physician Assistant Essay [4]


I argue that you can express the same ideas with fewer words. At the beginning of the essay, you should be efficient and clear. This sentence ... doesn't have as much power and intrigue as it could have. Can you precede this with a short sentence about an interesting concept?

It seems that you are a serious, motivated scholar, but the essay does not pack a very powerful punch. What is the unifying concept, the concept that drives your aspiration.

What is the word or phrase that captures the meaning you are giving your professional life?

:-)

Essays / College Essay - Fitting Multiple Themes into One Thesis Statement? [3]

You can use a list in your thesis statement. You can mention all those things. I think your introduction paragraph(s) should be about the main observations you make when considering these concepts together. Yet, when you consider them all together, you will also get an insight that deepens your understanding of the whole field of study.

It's like alchemy. Give an intro that names these concepts and discusses the relationships among them, but then end the intro with a statement that sums up the insight gleaned from the whole discussion... the bull's eye at the center of the target, the most important point.

:-)

Writing Feedback / what can society do to assist homeless people? [3]


Hey Nick, you should not capitalize "not" in that sentence. It is not a proper noun.
:-)

Nguyen Dinh Tuong did a great edit here. I think, Nick, you should type the essay again and use the changes Nguyen Dinh Tuong suggested here. You have to practice English by typing the essay again below. Then, if you still have errors, we will show you how to fix them. Welcome to EssayForum!

Writing Feedback / IELTS> THE PROS AND CONS OF ANIMAL TESTING [4]

I think you should try to sum up the MEANING of the essay in a single sentence, and put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Add that THESIS STATEMENT to the end of the first paragraph.

Animals are hence believed to have the rights to not be owned or not to be subjects in experiments.

...every discovery in the 20th century is the result of animal testing, and thousands of lives have been protected from dangerous diseases by medicines which were tested on animals.

I just made a few small changes. You will do well on that ietls test, I think! The quality of your English is great, leaf ninja.

Writing Feedback / Laws should be flexible (take account of various circumstances, times, and places) [4]


At the end of the first paragraph, do not JUST state your position. Instead, it is a good idea to use the word BECAUSE.
I tend to agree with the speaker's assertion that laws should be flexible enough to take into account the circumstances, times and places, because _________________________. (give a few words to show your reason/theme).


Great sentence construction, and great points! I am impressed.

This law, as outrageous as it might appear to be, at least seems apt in a state inhabited predominantly by Muslims.


I don't know... the structure seems great. You have a good paragraph topic sentence to begin each paragraph, and each paragraph has a main idea that supports the main idea of the essay. That is good structure.

Writing Feedback / 21st century is going to be new era and step forward to ambitious that we are calling imagination [3]

would be affected...
affect = verb
effect = noun

2 words, not one word: In fact

I see some little typos and spelling errors:


Do you know what I typo is? Be careful to avoid silly little errors. :-)

I can't give a score, because I don't know the scoring criteria.

Research Papers / A study on dog abuse and prevention in Malaysia [2]

Look at this scavenger hunt you set up for yourself! Wow, I don't envy you. This will be hard.

I have an easier way...

Read a book or article about this topic, and write a paragraph about the author's main idea.
Read another.
And another.

When you have written paragraphs about a lot of books and articles, you will probably KNOW whether dog abuse is on the rise in Malaysia... and you can come up with RESEARCH QUESTIONS INFORMED BY CURRENT LITERATURE.

You MUST start by reading the literature. Forget all these things you listed. Let the recent literature be your guide, ha ha. :-)

I hope you catch my meaning... For now, just read one article and write one paragraph about the main idea.

HINT: The main idea can be found in the intro and conclusion of the article.

Letters / Cover Letter for a Student Position in a Laboratory - Summer job application [4]


I don't think this sentence should have such a prominent place in the essay. You can put it within the paragraph, but don't make it the first sentence of the paragraph. Begin the paragraph with a sentence about one of the most important benefits of hiring you.

When you write a letter to get a job, think about it like a little research project. Show that you KNOW what kind of work is done at Activation Laboratories, and if you show that you know what kind of person they need you will have a real advantage.

I admire your diligence! Now... go write an essay that is ABOUT Activation Laboratories. :-) That is the trick.

Writing Feedback / Ielts topic: choosing studying at home or at school [4]

Okay, let's fix this complicated sentence:

Studying with many classmates in an educational environment not only brings me useful information but also offers a chance for interaction with various people and creates...

When I study at home, there is no partner to exchange ideas with me. Gradually, I will become passive. That is why I hate studying alone at home.-----WOW, what a beautiful, eloquent writing style you have.

I think the last paragraph should be longer. Give the reader "something extra" to think about at the end.

:-)

Great job here!! It is clear and meaningful.