Graduate / Here is my optional essay for Carey Business school. I need your advice. [3]

Siyu, when you discuss the three strengths, offer one paragraph for each strength so that you can properly develop an example and explanation of how you used that strength. Remember that the prompt is requiring you to explain, in vivid detail, how you applied your strengths in a community or professional setting. So you need to make sure to allot enough space for the development of the discussion.

As for the topic of your essay, your volunteering at the local senior citizen home, I do not think that this is a strong enough illustration of your three strengths. The story that you related it too simple and doesn't really offer an obstacle or situation wherein your strengths were challenged in a certain way. The challenge is important because it shows how you are able to apply your strengths successfully even under pressure. Keep in mind that the reviewer will be looking at the story that you relate as an example of the way you will handle the stress of masters degree studies and how you will perform even if you are faced with many obstacles in the completion of your studies.

I believe that you should continue the trend of displaying your professional strengths in this essay. Speak of these three strengths in a professional setting where you faced challenges that tested your enthusiasm, hard work, and devotion to a project. Surely, when you discuss such a project, you will be able to find a more significant weakness that you will want to improve over time as well.

Undergraduate / What excites you about Notre Dame - I need your opinions about my application supplement essay [6]

The Latin phrase that you mention does not seem to be part of the university motto so I am not exactly sure what you mean by including it in this response. Now remember, not everyone, in fact, very few people speak Latin in the modern world so there is a very good chance you will lose the reviewer if he is not familiar with the Latin text that you wrote. My advice is that you should explain what the term means in English, just in case. Also, make sure that it is really a relevant text in relation to the statement response you developed otherwise you might end up just wasting the word count in the process.

Like you said in the first part of the essay, it may sound like gibberish but it has sense and meaning. So explain what it is that you mean, in English for the benefit of all concerned. In fact, the first part of your response really comes across as over confident to the point of being a show off so I would like to caution you about that. Add that to the Latin at the end and you might not really make a good first impression on the reviewer. If you can tone it down a bit and relate it to my suggested revision then you should be able to deliver a satisfactory response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Columbia Engineering Essay: Jazz band was the last class I expected to use mathematics... [7]

Hiromu, I only edited the earlier part of your essay because I noticed a conflict with your concluding paragraph and the prompt requirements. Here is the edited part first:

Jazz band was the last class where I expected to use mathematics.

So, when I saw numbers on the music theory worksheet-a list of pentatonic scales in numbered musical notations-I was surprised. It never occurred to me to approach music from an analytical perspective; I only understood music as an art, to be mastered with practice and intuition.

I tried to make sense of the seemingly random sequences of numbers and symbols, but with little success. Being both a curious mathematician and uncompromising musician, I was determined to decipher the numerical code to uncover what secrets to music it may behold...

With regards to your conclusion, you are not supposed to discuss anything about your potential future education at the university. According to the prompt, your concentration needs to be only on"your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study"... So referring to your future interests and academic study at the university in the conclusion is out of place. Try to develop a more proper closing statement that simply ties up the past and current experiences that you have in a concluding manner. Just offer information that is required and nothing more. Adding information that is not specified in the prompt will just be disregarded by the reviewer and not help your application at all. If anything, it will jeopardize it as you will prove to be unable to follow specific instructions as provided.

Undergraduate / Picking oranges - Common App Essay (transition from childhood to adulthood) HELP [4]

Amanda, the story that you presented is more of a background story than a transition to adulthood narration. There is no real rite of passage that would show more concrete proof of your transition to adulthood. Most of the information you shared has mostly to do with a change in your outlook in life, which does not necessarily qualify as a transition to adulthood.

It would be best for you to just submit this essay using the new prompt instead of having to write a totally new, prompt compliant essay. The prompt I have in mind for you to use with this essay is as follows:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Your story fits in with all of the requirements of the aforementioned prompt. That is why I am asking you to consider changing the prompt instead of revising your essay. It makes no sense for you to write a totally new essay when all you have to do is change the prompt and you will have a ready made essay to submit for it :-)

Undergraduate / What excites you about Notre Dame - I need your opinions about my application supplement essay [6]

Abdel, what excites you about attending Notre Dame should not be based on hearsay from other students that have attended or are attending the university at the moment. Remember that the experience of other people at the university may not be the same as your potential experience so to base your desire to attend the university solely on the word of another student is not the best way to approach this essay.

Try to look at the educational objectives of Notre Dame. Do you identify with their objectives or goals? if you do, then discuss that in the essay. Offer it as one of the reasons you were drawn to the university. Or, you can just center your discussion about what excites you about the university on the work of Prof. Gerald Haeffel. by describing your fascination with the topic he is researching and offering some information about how you see yourself doing your own research in a related field at ND, utilizing their lab and other facilities in the process, you can generate an visualized excitement about what makes the university special to you and why you would be excited to go to school there.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Special Interest- 'Wide eyes and Dropped Chins' [8]

Olu, the problem with the essay lies in your introduction paragraph. YOu can't just present that information and then suddenly shift to the idea of poetry making you comfortable with speaking out. You need to create a foundation for that information. let people know your background that would show the relevance of poetry in your life before you launch into the concentrated aspect of your essay. Maybe you can come up with a revised introduction similar to this:

I grew up without a voice because I feared using my voice. I was never sure how people would respond to my thoughts, my words, my meaning. So, in the face of uncertainty, I always opted to be the quiet one, be it in a social setting or in class. My quietness overpowered my intelligence at times because I did not want to be accused of showing off or bragging about my abilities in class. That is why during one pivotal day in Math class, when I decided to finally use my voice, I left my teacher and classmates dumbfounded.

"What is the circumference of this circle?" Mrs. Ryan asked a fairly simple math question, but as seconds rolled by she was met with only blank stares from my classmates...

Do you see how that simple introduction that I created in the beginning helped to ease the reader into the topic and anecdote that would help them understand the reason for your being? That is the kind of hook that you need in order to properly lay the foundation for your essay discussion. Feel free to use the introduction I created with the rest of your essay which, by the way, is good enough to use at this point :-)

Undergraduate / George Washington University Supplement: Who helped you in difficult times? [2]

Val, I definitely encourage you to use the second version of the essay in response to the prompt. It is important that you discuss a person who had a hand in not only your academic, but personal development as a person as well. Ms. Drumm did that by influencing your desire to learn English, encouraging you to write by introducing you the high school journalism (don't call it newspaper), and pushing you to become more active in your community as an ESL tutor. This is definitely the kind of person that you can consider to be an exemplary mentor.

There is however, a point in the essay that you need to develop further. That is why you thought of English as an obstacle that you had to overcome. Lay the foundation for your meeting Ms. Drumm. Then take us into that pivotal moment in time when she first influenced you to take English classes. How did she do it? Why were you touched by her encouragement and actions? Make us care about this relationship. What kind of support, advice, and wisdom did she share with you? Pick the most pivotal moment in your relationship with her that reflects the response to those questions.

Undergraduate / I want to become the best version of myself. Dream Person/ How can Syracuse help? [2]

Kerry, you need a better hook to open this statement with. Try to find a quote from a notable name that would best describe the person you would want to be in the future. Hopefully, that quote can come from a Syracuse graduate so that the impression will be that you have a direct or personal involvement with Syracuse and understand how the university can be of help to you.

Right now, the opening statement is too dry and lacks in imagination. It doesn't really come across as appealing because of the general information you have provided. If you say you want to be the best version of yourself, consider first, what your goal for your future is, how you plan to achieve it, and why you think that the future version of yourself will be an updated version of who you are right now.

Analyze the objectives of Syracuse as a university. Do you see yourself becoming a person similar to who they envision their students to be? What offerings, academically and socially, does the university offer which can help shape the person you are to become? Why do you think that those connections can help?

It is no use mentioning your past and regrets in this essay. Those are irrelevant already. What the university wants to know about is how you will be a better person after having attended their institution. That is what you should concentrate on developing as your response.

Undergraduate / Why NU-Q? ----Dream to be a journalist [4]

Jize, that discussion should not be a mere footnote in your last paragraph. You should make it the focal point of your total essay. Like I previously mentioned, those should be the main reasons that you chose NU-Qatar in the first place. The dream of becoming a journalist should be somehow included in the overall conversation instead. Let me see if I can develop an example that you can as a template for your revision. I'll get started below:

As a student from China, I always longed to go somewhere that I could experience the freedom to learn and express myself. My first instinct upon reaching college age was to go to the U.S. for my education. Then I learned that NU-Qatar already existed. It got me to thinking, as a future journalist, wouldn't it be better for me to receive my journalism education in an environment that would allow me to learn from international exposure as I inched closer to my goal? That was when I realized that NU- Qatar would be the best option for my education.

Qatar is a country that offers me a chance to learn about the culture and traditions of a Middle Eastern nation. Something that will help me understand the world on a relevant scale since the Middle East is somewhat of an enigma among the regions of the world. Then I would have the opportunity to live in a democratic environment on campus as NU-Qater caters to the American way of life through a liberal arts education. I would be experiencing two worlds and learning about the world in general simply by attending a unique university outside of China.

NU-Qatar is my choice for my education because it will be an experience that will allow me to combine the best of Chinese culture, an understanding of the Middle East, and a Liberal Arts education from an American university, although on foreign soil, thus creating a unique journalist in the future. ( 249 words)

Now you have two options, if you think that this essay reflects a message that you want the reviewer to know about, then go ahead and use this essay. Consider this the final form. Or, you can use this as a template so that you can develop a more relevant version using your own perspective, ideas, and points for discussion. Whatever works best for you :-)

Graduate / Personal Statement of MPH - Education, research & experience [8]

Ngoc, are we editing the essay for the unlimited word count response for the time being? I edited the word count down so that you can use it for your 250 word essay. Please let me know if I need to revise the essay to comply with that word count as well. In the meantime, I will be editing the grammar for the parts that you added below:

I began exposing myself to the world of hospitals, clinics and nutrition departments not as "duty volunteer", but as an individual student who had a thirst for learning. I met different doctors and nutrition experts, asked if could be allowed to shadow the process of clinical interviews so I could document the reaction of participants. I joined different volunteer groups composed of exchange students and foreign interns to seek their advice and to gain different experiences and perspectives regarding healthcare around the world. I went to the gym to gather information about diet plans for various body types and exercise plans for different ailments that occurs in their clients.

Not all of the information I gathered were needed for my graduation research, but the knowledge I gained was far more than the information contained in the books that I read. I then not only finished my dissertation research in Functional foods, but I also found a real direction for myself in terms of my future.

Undergraduate / Why NU-Q? ----Dream to be a journalist [4]

Jize, I think that you should consider revising the content of your essay. You have a very unique situation here that can potentially be turned into a very memorable essay for presentation. Imagine, you are a Chinese person, wishing to study in Qatar, at an American university on foreign soil ! The succeeding discussion should be one that is totally unique to your situation because of the existing factors, instead of the common type of discussion that you currently present.

Explain how as Chinese student, you will be the first in your family to attend college in a well rounded manner. You will bring your unique Chinese traditions and cultures to NU-Q, where it will be merged with the international student body, thus creating a totally new type of student community based in Qatar.

Add to that the American based educational content and what you will have is a unique graduate who has been exposed to the best minds that the new generation of future leaders has to offer in a setting that allows you to practice this new type of global education which can only benefit all of the students and countries concerned in the development of this new type of education.

Will you be needing some help with the development of such a discussion or can you draft something along those lines that I can help you edit instead?

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Special Interest- 'Wide eyes and Dropped Chins' [8]

Olu, while I can understand the development of your voice through poetry, I am not sure what the relevance of the incident you told at the beginning is. You need to create a clearer connection between "She spoke." and the reason for the wide eyes and dropped chins in class. Why were you silenced in class before? Before we can understand the significance of that comment from your peers, we first need to understand why they would be amazed at having heard you speak in the first place.

You need to explain the background of your silence in class before you can get the reviewer to appreciate why your love for poetry reading became significant to you. What were your fears about speaking? Why did you prefer not to be heard? How did you learn to finally speak for yourself in public? What lessons have you learned from speaking up? Don't focus on the relevance of poetry reading alone. Go beyond that. Connect it to your development as a person in private. Did the confidence you gained from the public reading activities help you learn about yourself? Why should we care that the eyes went wide, chins dropped, and that these poetry nights are something that should be noted in your application? You are speaking of a background, incident, and talent all at once. So make sure to develop all those aspects equally throughout the essay.

Undergraduate / Swarthmore supplement - Multidisciplinary Physics [3]

Alyssa, you can cut out the final paragraph that you have now and reallocate that word count to other aspects of your essay. Since this essay is all about you and what you can contribute to the university, the last part about the language center, which is an extra curricular activity, can be removed for the time being. Maybe you can use it in another prompt for the same university?

Your essay carries a highly academic tone and concentration, so continue on that path as you develop your essay. Look into some way that you can expand your discussion about the way that the university can increase your ability to perform research in order to continue with your interests. Focus on how your future studies will encourage more student partnerships in terms of widening your field of study. Make sure that you mention how you plan to utilize certain university offerings in terms of internships, research opportunities, or study grants that will help you become a better student and in the process, promote the university as a leader in this field as well.

Undergraduate / "Why Tufts?" - Why not? Diversity, campus, internships [6]

Mesut, don't end the response with a question. That sounds a bit arrogant on your part. There was no need to mention the prompt again at the end actually so you can just totally delete that part of your response. it isn't going to help your application in any way so it doesn't need to be there. You already have a limited word count as it is so you use the word count wisely, don't waste it in filler comments.

Now, in the part of the statement where you indicate".The diversity gives me a sense of familiarity while the beautiful campus along with its proximity to Boston provides endless opportunities for internships. I hope to assist Dr.Leisk with his groundbreaking work on machine design which will give me the necessary base to conduct my own research later on. " You need to present a quick transition sentence after the internship comment which will connect that sentence to the next part about Dr. Leisk. There is no preparation or backgrounder that would let the reviewer prepare for the sudden change in information. So it seems like the essay suddenly disconnected in thought as you were writing it. Try to keep the essay smooth when it comes to transitions that way the essay comes across as an easy read.

Undergraduate / "Why Columbia" essay - prestigious Ivy League reputation and enviable location in New York City [2]

Not bad T.z. Your essay has managed to deliver a unique response regarding your choice of university that does not offer the same template of responses ranging from the location, social atmosphere, clubs, and such that the reviewer no doubt already expects to read in every essay that he comes across. This piece of writing feels like a breath of fresh air in an already redundant environment.

The way that you managed to deliver the response in such a manner that allowed the choice of university to become more about your personal aspirations rather than all about the university is admirable. However, you still need to present a little bit more about the programs that the university offers that made you decide to apply for Columbia admission. Having mentioned one activity already, you should try to present something on the academic side, say in terms of classes attended or internships, or the potential to do some sort of research, which could further enhance this already convincing essay. That way you present solid evidence to support your decision that relates a little to the university as well.

Undergraduate / Why Duke? The physics department appeals the most to me. Supplementary Essay [4]

Daniel, if the reason that you opted to try and enroll at Duke is because of their laboratories such as the TUNL, then you should center your response upon that. Why Duke? You can say that you opted to enroll at Duke because of your plans for future research in the field of XXX which can be easily assisted by the facilities offered by the TUNL laboratory at the university. Explain how your research ties in with say, the work being done in the lab and how by working together, you expect a certain type of positive result to come out of it.

Usually this type of prompt looks for a commonality between the university objectives and the student. In your case though, you already discussed that you have a penchant for research. So, since research is the reason you opted for Duke, then you should work on developing that response. By mentioning a specific type of research, you just might be able to catch the eye of the reviewer, who will remember you during consideration time as a student with an interesting field of research that you wish to pursue at Duke. It never hurts to have some sort of research aspiration on the horizon. Most universities look forward to such collaborations with their students because of the prestige or interest that it generates for the university over the long run. I think you can come up with a 150 word response along those lines easily :-)

Graduate / 'I had just landed in Berlin, alone and unprepared' For HBS - Introduce Yourself. [11]

Okay, a thought just occurred to me as I reviewed your essay for the possibility of more feedback. Can you pull back a little on the seriousness of the introduction by offering up some fun information about yourself? The way I see it, you can actually halve this essay so that you can present both your academic, serious side and your casual, fun side. So you will basically present yourself as the serious student, then the fun-loving classmate that any section mate of yours will want to hang out with after class.

While it is good that you have a serious outlook in life, you also need to let your classmates know that are the kind of person who knows how to have fun and could even be the instigator in some instances. Offering information about who you are when at work / university and who you are off campus/socially will balance your character representation within the essay. Don't you think that such an introduction would help your professor and peers better understand the kind of person that you are and quite possibly, help you create more friendships in the process? ?

My suggestion above is just that, a suggestion. If you wish to keep the serious tone and focus of your essay throughout then I am good with that as well. I am merely offering you an option for a second version of your written work :-)

Undergraduate / Intellectual Vitality: My mother, grandmother, and great grandmother were raised surrounded by nuns [7]

Hi Tonya :-) Yup, this is the second essay that I have helped you with. I am always glad to work repeatedly with anybody here at the forum. Helping you with you and the others with essay development certainly keeps me on my toes and my mind sharp :-) So thanks for the opportunity to work with you again. Now, about the content of the essay...

You definitely made the essay more interesting to read by poking fun at yourself :-) One of the Stanford requirements is that you be able to show your character or sense of humor through your development of the intellectual vitality essay. While the ivy league university may have a very serious image, apparently, they prefer students who are more lighthearted and know when humor is necessary :-) So this new version of the essay will certainly have your reviewer laughing on the inside at the very least during certain points of your writing, just as I found myself doing.

If you feel that this is essay that you wish to go with your application packet, then by all means do so :-) I strongly suggest that you use this essay for your application because it is one that comes across with a unique topic and an interesting take on the development of a person's personality, logic, and point of view in life. In other words, this is definitely an essay that the reviewer may just remember in the long run :-)

Undergraduate / "Why Tufts?" - Why not? Diversity, campus, internships [6]

Mesut, you have written a good draft introduction for the response. So I would like to know what kind of word count we are looking at the moment. That is because my suggestions will require you to discuss certain aspects of "Why Tufts?" at great length and the word count will need to be considered in the development and composition of the response.

You need to get more personal with your line of reasoning. You have presented general reasons for opting for the university, which will also be cited by other applicants in the process. That means that this current response will not stand out for the reviewer in any way. However, I would like you to keep this paragraph if, and only if, you will need it to fill in the word count. If you have a limited word count that will require the deletion of this response in order to write a new one then please do so.

One way of improving the essay is to make sure that you refer to an intellectual commonality between you and Tufts. What does the academic goal of Tufts stand for? How does it relate to the type of education that you wish to have in college? With regards the the extra curricular activities, which of the organizations and clubs attract you and why? Responding accurately to those two questions will more than create a logical and interesting response on your end. The choice of university should not be based upon location, but it can be based on the opportunity for internships so if you can discuss that in a more specific manner you should be able to further generate interest in the reasons you opted to enroll at Tufts.

Undergraduate / The moment I laid eyes on my surroundings in Bangladesh, it sparked something inside me. SOP [7]

When you discuss the fact that you did not make it into A&M the first time you applied, don't make it all about your personal journey alone. Connect it to the dream that you had for a better infrastructure in India. Don't forget that your mentioned that as being the main purpose for your desire to become a civil engineer. It will be in your best interest to always connect back to that purpose because the prompt is asking you to discuss the purpose of your application alongside your academic background an experiences.

In the concluding paragraph, don't bring up the topic of your wishing to attend A&M again along with the reasons. Rather, strengthen the conclusion by discussing how you will continue to strive to achieve your aspiration for yourself because you want to help the country that your parents came from as a way of acknowledging your roots and giving back to the country that helped you come into being. That would be better than mentioning that you were born at the Texas A&M College Station. That doesn't have any bearing on your future as a civil engineer. Just focus on two things, the purpose of your interest in civil engineering and your desire to help India improve their infrastructure in the future. That way you can still use this essay for other college applications if you need to :-)

Undergraduate / 'volunteering to distribute christmas gifts' - what will you contribute essay [8]

Lydia, your discussion is really quite rough and does not offer the image of a near polished response statement. You have a tendency to wander in terms of your conversation in the essay. Covering various topics instead of just concentrating your discussion on one strong contribution that you can make to the university. It seems like you just threw in all of the ideas that you could think of in terms of contributions and hoped the essay would fix itself. So we need to help you fix your essay now :-)

Consider which of your traits is your strongest and would be the most helpful in a college community setting. Forget the volunteering to distribute Christmas gifts idea. That is the weakest part of your essay. Instead, discuss how you plan to use your experience as a high school member / president of the XXX club that concentrated on helping educate the underprivileged in the community. Present ideas as to how you see yourself continuing this community service either by starting a new organization or joining an organization at the university that participates in this particular or similar activities. Then close the essay about why continuing this activity is important to you and why you feel that as a college student, you should all the more continue to advocate for the cause of education for the masses :-)

Undergraduate / 'Raised in Texas' - How did you first learn about Rice University and what motivated you to apply? [7]

Samraz, I do believe that your suggestion for your new concluding paragraph is a good one. If you are comfortable with adding that part to your essay then don't be afraid to so :-) I have reviewed your current essay by replacing the conclusion that I made with the one that you created and it does seem to fit into the over all flow of the discussion. I have no objections to your using this paragraph :-)

Don't forget to do a final run-down of your essay checklist before you submit this. Proof-reading is the the utmost importance and making sure that you have not missed any discussion that the prompt may require or implied is necessary. Once you are really comfortable with the work, then go ahead and submit it already. Your approval of the written work is more important than mine :-) Don't be afraid to ask for more advice if you feel you need it though. I'll be happy to help you out :-)

Undergraduate / The connections I made between genetic letter codes and the alphabet - Yale Supplement. Why research [3]

Christine, you have already established the fact that you are a cutting edge researcher whose future as a scientist has been recognized by experts in the field. Your foundation is solid, admirable, and uncanny for a person of your age. The accomplishments that you listed have already placed you ahead of the others in the list of future science researchers. If I were you, I would not waste the concluding paragraph by referring to an abstract idea or a quotation from Shaw. That paragraph seems to have suddenly made your essay take a u-turn when it should be going full steam ahead.

If you could revise the conclusion to further discuss how you plan to continue doing your research, not by specifically mentioning the way the university can do that, but rather through your plans for future research, your essay will become stronger. As a future college student who has lofty ambitions for your future as a scientist, you should let the reviewer know that you plan on continuing your HD research regardless of which university you are admitted to. Refer to an abstract idea that might currently have regarding the control, prevention, or cure for the illness. That will close the essay on a strong note and remind the reviewer that you are not an ordinary applicant to their program.

Undergraduate / Favorite word - "Hey!" Supplement writing UVA [2]

Elif, here are some ideas as to how you can expand upon your essay. Try to develop some examples for each paragraph topic. Let me offer some sample suggestions based upon every every paragraph subject that you can discuss.

"Hey!" It takes 3 letters to start a friendship. "Hey!" 3 little letters with a big meaning. Universal sign of "Let's start talking and be friends."

- How did you use these 3 letters to strike up a friendship with someone? Strengthening this claim will be based upon personal experience on your part.

Everybody understand 'hey". I always greet people in the subway or say "Hey" to random people while walking down the street. It is my favorite word.

- When you say that everybody understands the word "Hey", try to offer an explanation as to how other people might be understanding the word through the reaction it can trigger in the person, the stranger, that you refer to, while walking down the street.

To fulfill that craving, "Hey" is the best solution.
- Why do you think that? Explain what you mean either through logic or an example.

If you expand upon those points in your essay, you should be able to easily come up with 100 words or more to fulfill the prompt requirements :-)

Undergraduate / Intellectual Vitality: My mother, grandmother, and great grandmother were raised surrounded by nuns [7]

Tonya, this version of your essay brings the discussion full circle. It is complete and allows you to present the reasons behind your actions in a more concrete form. By adding the explanation about how your family reacted to your actions, we now understand how you have become a unique person and that you will not just blindly conform to an idea, concept, or dictate that you are given. This is definitely an aspect of who you are that would not been discussed in the common app prompts even though it is an important part of who you are and how you became that way :-)

That said, we have to address some portions that I believe to be grammatically problematic either because of word usage or sentence structure issues. I'll list the corrected portions below:

Par. 1:
Throughout my childhood , every Sunday was spent in mass and every Saturday was spent confessing sins.

Par. 2:
My sheltered religious bubble eventually bursted
Recognizing that Catholicism was merely one among millions resulted into utter my cognitive dissonance.

Par. 3:
For Over the next months,
I came back every day with endless questions.
- Did your teacher help you find some sort of answers or closures to your questions? You should clarify that point in relation to your discussion.

Par. 4:
I found myself interested in different faiths...
I rejected the concept of objective morality derived from a God...
others'

Par.5 :
And it It truly was, a rebellion of the certainty I had before -- a wake up call in the sleeping state of my growing mind.

Par. 6:
And Despite their disapproval, still to this day,
I remain an outsider within my extremely...
and to think with a reasoned sense

Par. 7:

Undergraduate / 'Go-to person//close confidant'--GW Supplement [8]

Hi Maggie :-) Well, this is a much improved and definitely more informative essay that accurately represents the prompt. Your description of Adi as a best friend and adviser gives a clear understanding as to why ou would consider her your go-to person for any difficult situation. That said, I think the essay can use some grammar improvements and editing at this point. Let me help you out with that below:

Honest, positive and authentic are just a few of the many words that pop into my head when I think about my best friend Adi. She is the main person I turn to whenever I need advice and support. She is never afraid to be truthful with her opinions or to disagree with me when she has an opposing view. These are her best qualities that have helped me to evolve as a person.

We were once Junior Advisers at the same dorm, where I had a problem with relating to 2 girls under my mentorship. I knew that the time had come to approach Adi for her unique analysis and advice as to how to remedy the situation. I knew she would give me the straight and truthful answers that I needed.

In typical Adi fashion, she took a few hours to analyze the situation and rationalize the different scenarios. She decided that it was most likely a compatibility issue. So she suggested that I take a step back from the situation so I could try to solve the situation using an outsider's perspective.

Her advice helped me better connect with the girls. I honestly do not know if I would have been able to successfully analyze the situation if I did not have Adi to turn to for advice and perspective. I am so lucky to have her in my life for all the little and big challenges I have and will face. (245 words)

Feel free to use this version of the essay either as is or as a template for your revision. Your revised essay just needed some polishing and content revision in order to make it work better. Let me know if I can help you with anything else related to this essay :-)

Undergraduate / 'Go-to person//close confidant'--GW Supplement [8]

Maggie, do you have a word limitation on your response? I am wondering about that because your response is actually too short and not as informative as it can be. Your discussion of the problem could be further improved with some additional information. Maybe you can add some information about the situation regarding your difficulty in bonding with the girls to help illustrate your point. It would seem to me that adding such information will further enhance your explanation regarding the reasons why you would need a mentor or adviser in this case.

Now, when it came to discussing your mentor, you seem to have fallen behind in the discussion. You were supposed to tell the reviewer about this mentor of yours. As such, a full description of this person as a mentor, friend, and confidante, along the lines of Martha Washington is in order.

The main problem that I can see with the way you discuss Adi in the essay is that you did not really give the reviewer an insight into the kind of person that Adi is. What makes her special? How do these characteristics make her a good mentor in your mind? You need to first describe Adi as a person, then move on to expanding that explanation into her actions as an adviser to you, then eventually, as your own mentor in the JA setting. We need to know about her special abilities, analytical skills, and anything else that may have led her to become an influential person in your life.

It is only after you discuss those points pertaining to Adi that you can move on to explaining what it is that you learned from her and how her influence has helped you develop your skills as a JA and encouraged you to further evolve in your personal life as her friend and confidante.

Undergraduate / Columbia Engineering Essay: Jazz band was the last class I expected to use mathematics... [7]

Hiromu, you don't have to worry about whether you presented too much of your personal aspect in the essay because the prompt gives you the option to discuss either the academic or personal attraction to your fields of interest. So using a personal point of view, and a personal connection between your interests that may be unique only to your understanding of things, is something that is well received by the reviewer of this essay.

Since you were able to successfully relate the subject of music theory to the study of engineering, you can be confident that you properly responded to the prompt. While there are a few grammar errors here and there, I would not pay too much attention to it since you are not a native English speaker and it did not affect the overall discussion in the essay. However, if you wish to have me edit your essay for grammar problems, or if you want me to try and enhance the discussion, then all you have to do is ask :-) I would not want to jump in and edit your essay if you would not be comfortable with me doing that.

Undergraduate / 'Raised in Texas' - How did you first learn about Rice University and what motivated you to apply? [7]

Samraz, I edited the essay to make it more focused and give it a more interesting discussion regarding the prompt. I basically edited the essay to 242 words. If you think you can use this version, then go ahead and do so. Otherwise, let me know what apprehensions you have and what other information you think will be important to include. I'll give you my opinion about it as we finalize the content. Here is the statement:

As a Texan, my parents always pressured me to apply to Rice University because of its proximity and prestige. Their obsession with having me attend rice made me question whether Rice was the school I wanted to attend. I wondered what Rice University had to offer to me.

Researching about the school, I noticed the course ENGI 150. The course integrates engineering principles with real world problems and offers students the chance to create their own personalized solutions during their first year which many universities do not offer until the third or fourth year. The sheer thought being in an environment where I'm impacting world as a first year gives me relief because it illustrates that Rice develops thinkers and innovators , not just students who are limited to the textbook.

Further attracting me to the school was the phenomenal research of Professor Spanos about modern nanocomposites and the effect on material strength, something I look forward to engage in and contribute to. Going from the facilities to student life, I discovered the amazing close-knit community between the students. The alumni from the university all emphasize the approachability between the students which is very important to me because I think an interactive community enhances the college learning experience.

Despite having initial doubts toward Rice due to parental pressure, through research, I discovered Rice was more of an interactive community, which was the final reason that made me decide to apply for admission.

Undergraduate / Why JHU? ---How to Build Your Future Here? [3]

Jize, I think that there is a portion of a paragraph in your current essay that you can actually omit because it does not seem to have a direct connection to the prompt. I am referring to the following:

... Since the undiscriminating pursuit of wealth and fortune in China has become a hotbed for severe pollution sources, my individualized study path will be adapting the advanced concept in environmental protection for precarious situations in China. When I return to my home in summers, I am ready to cooperate with inspiring professors, who excel at both researching and teaching, on data acquisition and independent projects.

Just focus upon how you will build your learning at JHU, you don't have to go into a discussion about China and what you plan to do there during the summer months as it does not apply to the given prompt. By removing that portion, you not only shorten the essay, but also deliver a more complete and prompt adherent response.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular college essay about soccer-SHORT (150 words max) [3]

I'm not sure what message you are actually trying to convey here. Are you talking about your cleats and the many adventures you have had with it? If that is so, then you are in for some major revision. The essay should discuss your soccer experience, not a story that centers on the imagined life and times of your cleats. While I can understand how your cleats are important to the sport, the shoes are not the one applying to college. So centering the essay on that theme isn't the way to go here.

If you want to keep your cleats as a part of the story, why not talk about how you came to choose these pair of cleats based upon your needs as an individual and team member. If you can talk about how you chose the cleats and how it helped you improve your game, maybe even scoring the winning goal while wearing it, then you should be able to show how the proper pair of shoes helped you become a better team player :-)

Graduate / Personal Statement of MPH - Education, research & experience [8]

Hi Ngoc, see if this 247 word edit of your paper works for you. If it doesn't, revise the content with additional information that you deem important and then I will help you polish the essay so that it will meet the maximum word count. Here is what I developed for you:

I visited the Children Aid Home as part of a school event for orphanages. I found it very difficult to reach the children there. I did not know that they were special needs children and I had no idea as to what disabilities they have and I was too shy to ask the caregivers. For the first time, I underestimated what was supposed to be a "volunteer" school activity.

I started to give up. Then, exchange students from Kenya and New Zealand surprised me because they could communicate with the children though they did not specialize in healthcare. I realized how careless and robotic I was as a volunteer. I started to open my eyes and see what I could learn and what I could achieve based on my own knowledge.

Public Health is about creating a good foundation in human and econoic resources in order to build a better healthcare system that guides people to live healthier in their environmental conditions. To do this, I need to study a in system that will teach me howaccomplish this task properly

I may not have studied Public Health from the beginning but that did not stop mefrom entering the field of healthcare. By applying the Master Degree in Public Health in a developed country with a modern healthcare system, I will have a great opportunity to develop my knowledge, as well as to be trained to successfully work and develop healthcare and nutrition projects for the worldwide population.

Undergraduate / 'I love teaching kids' Why are you apply to a particular school of study? Rice Supplement [8]

Olu, it was not my place to suggest the removal of the second paragraph because you had originally written that in as an important part of the statement. However, now that you are saying that you feel like you should just remove that paragraph, I can tell you that I totally agree with what you want to do.

The second paragraph weakens the strength of the first paragraph and as such, just provides a break in your response continuity. I feel that if you just keep to the first paragraph, then your essay will be better prepared as a response. Remember, the maximum word count in any statement is just meant to help you focus the essay you will be writing. If you can deliver your message using lesser words, then the reviewer will end up being quite impressed with you since most students target the maximum word count for their essay, even if the additional information does not help their application.

Undergraduate / Columbia Supplement - Which activity are you most proud of? [4]

T.Z. I think you need to explain what you mean exactly by your role as a difference maker. is that a term exclusive to the group you were mentoring in? Since the term can connote many definitions, you should be sure to explain what that role is and how you enforced it as a teen mentor. Since you are very proud of this activity, try to present a situation that would help the reviewer visualize the kind of action that you had to take as a teen mentor and why it would result in your becoming a difference maker in the group.

You can remove the introduction that you currently have in order to make more space for the explanation about your teen mentoring. If you immediately start with I am perhaps still most proud of my very first one: serving as a teen mentor at the local community school then follow it up immediately with the experiences I gained as a teen mentor have allowed me to become the difference maker I am today. then you will be able to allot more space for your role development in the group. This will further strengthen your response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Playing the violin in a small ensemble/ The senior valedictorian who I had admired; Rice Supplements [3]

Both essays deliver the exact information and quality of discussion that is expected of each prompt. You have the ability to paint a very vivid picture of the ideas that you convey in your essays. Such a talent comes in handy when explaining these difficult prompts to the reviewer. Both statement responses actually come across as quite natural and sans any unwanted information that would lessen the impact of your response.

You want to know if everything is perfect before you submit? In my opinion, yes, both essays are already at a point of perfection that, if you decide to alter the content in any way, you could end up ruining the essence of your work. So don't look for anything to adjust or revise in the essays anymore. Just submit them. Both statements are as ready as they will ever be :-)

Undergraduate / I have gained many experiences that have influenced me and my intellectual development; Stanford [6]

Michelle, this is pretty good work for a revised / totally new essay. It displays the kind of intellectual vitality that Stanford seeks in essays of this kind. The fact that you did not bother to differentiate between veterinary and human medicine tells the reviewer that you are a person who is far evolved in your ideas about life and the value of it. Your learning experience as a volunteer for the most helpless of all members of the planet is quite admirable.

You should feel confident about using this essay in this current version. It doesn't seem to be lacking in any way and is really a very informative response to the prompt. You brought the intellectual experience up by a few levels, making it obvious that you have the ability to learn, observe, and use the new information that you receive for your personal betterment and the benefit of those around you.

Good luck with your application. I am sure you have a pretty good chance of getting into Stanford :-)

Undergraduate / Share a perspective you bring or experiences you've had, Duke Short Answer [8]

Olu, your statement response is now ready for use. As reviewer, I would be impressed by the way that you not only shared your perspective with me about how we should treat each other in a better way, but that you also managed to introduce your culture and tradition to me in a way that helps me understand the practical and moral meaning of the action. This more than just about showing respect for the older person, this is all about respecting one another and changing our mindsets for the better not only of Duke, but society in general.

The only thing you have to fix in the essay at this point is your paragraphing. The response seems quite tight on the page. The compressed look makes the essay a bit difficult on the eyes to process. Address the problem by placing a line break after the following sentence:

To us, however, this was normal behavior because Nigerians do not see unknown people as strangers ... and how we treat each other."

Separate the discussion of how this will be your contribution to Duke so that the reviewer's attention will be drawn to this memorable explanation of your perspective and experience as it applies to your potential admission to Duke :-) After you do that, you can already submit the response with your other documents.

Graduate / 'I had just landed in Berlin, alone and unprepared' For HBS - Introduce Yourself. [11]

Su, your revision is actually quite touching to read. it engages the reviewer and offers a well rounded introduction to who you are, your strengths and weaknesses as a person, your dreams in life, and where you are looking to for your future. This is a the kind of introduction essay that works to your benefit in a manner that your previous version did not.

The strength of this essay lies in the heart of your story and your conviction in your beliefs. The weakest part of your essay is the stand alone two sentence paragraph at the very end. It sounds really out of place and doesn't merge well with the previous content of the essay. Your conclusion would be much stronger if you ended the essay on this line:

I am excited about the prospect of undergoing this stimulating intellectual journey with all of you, learning from your brilliant and diverse experiences in class and outside, and sharing my perspective along the way.

The paragraph after that just sounds forcing through and doesn't really do much in terms of wrapping up your discussion. The previous sentence to that does a better job of closing the introduction.

Undergraduate / 'highly accomplished staff' - Why does Yale appeal to you? Yale Supplement [7]

Excellent work Olu :-) I am pleased to say that your work is quite acceptable and does not require me to jump in with any edits or revisions. You should be proud of the way that you were able to develop this response statement. It covers both aspects of academic and extra curricular appeals that Yale offers you.

At this point, all you have to do is review the content of your statement and make sure that you have expressed yourself in the best manner that you can. Make sure that you did not skip any information that could help to enhance the response even more. As far as I can tell, the essay can be considered to be in its final form and is ready for submission. My opinion is that this essay is as ready as it can ever be for review by the admissions officer :-)

Undergraduate / 'I love teaching kids' Why are you apply to a particular school of study? Rice Supplement [8]

Olu, let's work on fixing the following line from your response:

Furthermore, I enjoy treating kids when I volunteer at church's s Sunday school. The joy I feel when I help them with small things like a rash that needs ointment has made me to want to help people with more serious problems, and the knowledge I gain though Biosciences can help me do that.

I believe that this particular line would be stronger and more advantageous to your application if it was reworded along these lines:

As a private person, I am often faced with the care of children at my local church's Sunday School. Their skin rashes, as I have come to learn, sometimes indicates a deeper health issue. My hope is to prevent these problems in the future through the knowledge I will gain from Biosciences.

The statement, when presented this way sounds like your activity and exposure has a direct relation to the development of your interest in Biosciences so you should make the relationship clear and indicate its relevance whenever possible.