Posts by dumi - page 143

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Graduate / My heart started to beat faster as I felt the needle pierce my skin! [7]

My heart started to beat faster as I felt the needle pierce my skin.

Good start ! .... : )
Yep... this looks pretty long and worth trying to shorten it a bit : )

Even after my doctor provided me with the basics, I wanted to learn as much as possible about this disease. As a relatively unheard of syndrome, I was motivated to investigate, and was eventually lead to forums filled with the experiences that other young women had with PCOS.

Why not try and merge these to one sentence? Don't have to be too much detailed!

After reading about PCOS as a women's health issue, I felt an internal sense of responsibility to others with similar afflictions, and decided I would become a physician to address this disparity.

Being a woman, I soon began to feel a strong sense of responsiblity towards other females who suffer from this disparity and that was the advent of my aspiration of becoming a physician.

I think you write with too much detail, which is not really necessary. The reader has the ability to get the sense about the background even if you don't tell.... Come to your next point soon by avoiding to stick on one idea for long : )

However, you can write very well : )

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Writing Feedback / Young people VSăď˝ď˝ď˝-ď˝...ď˝'ď˝ď˝ď˝...ď˝ď˝" [5]

Hi Valency,
First, sorry about a typo I did in my previous post; ; )

First, its presentation needs improvement to be more catchy to the reader

:D

Okkkk.... about the body;
Body para 1 : You give many good reasons to show why young people fail meeting the requirements of proper governance. However, you have not included any specific examples to support these reasons.... My advice for you is to limit these reasons to one reason and support that with a specific example.... That is the most prudent way to handle time and earn marks since this task specifically expects you to support your reasons with examples.

It's the same case with Body para 2 as well :D
You display excellent writing skills and excellent vocabulary! .... Make use of your talents and go for a flying score : )
Post as many as essays here and we would provide you with feedbacks : )

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Undergraduate / Born in America with a Filipino heritage and culture! [2]

Hi enigma_girl,
: )

Although I was born in America, I do not disregard my Filipino heritage and culture.

This is a strong sentence : ) Beautiful!

My parents grew up in two divergent cities.

... good! but elaborate a little bit how divergent they are;
My parents grew up in tow divergent cities in every respect.

I accustomed my friends into some of the Filipino tradition, leading them to new experiences and knowledge.

I had my friends accustomed into some Filipino traditions that enriched their experience and knowledge.

You write very well... Good Job!
Good Luck! : )

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Undergraduate / Don't scream! Don't go to the playground! Don't play with toys! No! No! No! [2]

Today at seventeen, I am capable of deviating from the degrading voices around me and can listen to a much stronger one: my own.

I prefer if you say this with a bit more punch : )
Today at seventeen, I am capable of standing against the voices of disapproval while being sensitive to what my heart whispers.

We consider great those who have been able to break the walls of conventional thinking. Ralph Waldo Emerson, Plato, Leonardo Da Vinci, even Hitler - they all envisioned a society that surpassed the current paradigm, forever changing the world as they knew it.

This sentence has some issues ; some organizational lapses and too much of length : (
We consider those who broke the walls of conventional thinking as great men; Ralph Waldo Emerson, Plato, Leonardo Da Vinci, even Hitler. These great men did embrase a paradigm shift and it helped them change the world.

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Young people VSăď˝ď˝ď˝-ď˝...ď˝'ď˝ď˝ď˝...ď˝ď˝" [5]

Recently, youngsters are increasingly popular in government sectors with important responsibilities. Some people assert that the younger generations are unsuitable for those positions since they tend to be less skilled. Nevertheless, other people perceive their creativity as beneficial in resolving the difficulties encountered by the government.

Your introduction has a few issues; First, it presentation needs improvement to be more catchy to the reader. Second, you have not stated your opinion on this argument. It is important to state what side you take in the introduction itself that would earn marks for you for this task.

My suggestion;From recent, in many countries, young people make a significant presence in their governments. While some people argue that they are not suitable to hold such high governing positions that require more maturity, others perceive that having young blood is advantageous in resolving issues that need more modern approaches. In my view, I believe there should be a good balance of both young and matured members in a government.

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Scholarship / 'transformed into a great actress' - your talents and what you learned about yourself [2]

Here's some help to cut down word count;

At age 7, I was introduced to acting via Destination Imagination where small teams work together to solve a problem and perform a skit to suggest a solution.

My suggestion;
At seven, I was introduced to acting via Destination Imagination that engaged small teams working together solving problems. These solutions were presented by performing a skit .

My hard work paid off because this year, I got a major parts Cinderella's evil step sister.

My hard work paid off me this year with the opportunity to play a major role as Cinderella's evil step sister.

The blinding lights, the roar of laughter from the crowd, &the unmistakable rush of adrenaline from being on the stage are all things I loved.

Blinding lights, laughter, applause and the feel of such adrenaline rush on the stage are simply my favorite moments.

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Graduate / Family Nurse Practitioner Essay- My life experiences have led me here [3]

Lovely start... It flows well until;

I spent many nights at her bedside watching the interactions between her and the nursing staff.

.. .... there's nothing wrong with grammar or the sentence.... But in this your momentum drops : (
I spent many nights at her bedside and it was with my own eyes I saw how well the nursing staff took care of her.

he staff would take the time to ask me about school and help with my homework, while still providing compassionate care for my mom.

Awesome! .... you are back on track :D

She called them "her girls," and when she passed away, many of them attended the services.

Let's say;
She called them "her girls," and when she passed away, they too shared our grievance!

Although I didn't see anything strange about my childhood, I did recognize, even then, how extraordinarily caring the nurses were in some of my family's darkest times.

------------- I'm afraid that this sounds a bit redundant.... You said everything already.... You can do away with this : )

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic. women's role in modern society [5]

y0_3mma
Your introduction follows the right structure for this task. It's well presented !

To begin with, in Arabic countries the law is extremely strict when it comes to females' choices and rights. In the Orient, religion has always played a crucial role in people's life, determining their lifestyle and most of their character. Consequently, the law in Arabic countries was also influenced by Coran. For instance, women are forbidden to unravel their faces or their body parts by wearing short skirts or see-through blouses. What is more, in some conservative regions they have no right to study and they are kept home to cook and raise their children.

I find this body para is not aligned with what your prompt asks... You need to give reasons to reject the claim that men suffer by letting women play a prominent role... What you have written here is about how women in certain parts are discriminated. This deviates from the prompt. : (

You have good writing skills and excellent vocabulary.... Try to follow the required structure and always keep your writing to go with the prompt!

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Piano - the meaning of my life! [3]

not that he had quit but that he had never started

.... you wanted to say he never began it seriously... didn't you?

It began for me as a mischievous pastime, pressing keys in a haphazard fashion.

.... I like this sentence : ) ... you are very creative : )

and from then on conquering each song that was more difficult than the previous ~~was~~ became a thrilling and gratifying adventure for me.

------------ though your way is not incorrect, I guess these inclusions improve the clarity of this sentence : )

While the white man made an effort to slip into the festival covertly, his prayer rang more spiritedly than the more belonging Indians.

spiritedly? ... I guess "in higher spirit" sounds better!
Also , how about? ... than native Indians

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Talents; Born with them or not? IELTS [6]

It's not a surprise that people will argue over talent.

It's not just talent that people argue over...They argue over how it is formed.... born with it or trained!
Always keep your alignment with the prompt in the introduction. It is very important because intro is the one makes the first impression about your essay : )

When some superstar musician or athletes shown their great achievement on television will always bring discussion like this:

This has several grammar issues ;
When some superstar musician or an athlete appears on TV , there will always be a discussion such as;

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'My town is in Gaya' - IELST exam essay [5]

the tourism ~~are~~is the major source of income

tourism is / tourists are

they give us fulfill of satisfaction in our life.

... this part needs to be rephrased... your idea does not flow well;

Tourism helps us having a better life

(You should talk about the role of these tourist attractions on the economy of your town since this is what the topic asked you.)

Yes... you need to talk about what is asked by the prompt. .... So in this case, you can say;
First, tourism helps local people to find their living. For example, my hometown, Gaya is one of the major tourist attractions in Eastern India. There are many Buddhist temples that attract many tourists during the year. Many people living in Gaya, engage in Tourism related industries such as selling goods to tourists and renting out rooms for them. Therefore tourism has helped my people to lead good lives.

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to... [18]

You know I used to be very worried about this examination but....not anymore because I have you from the back haha ( Am I using correctly?? I mean the phrase " from the back " :))

Of course we will back you :D .... this phrase is right :D

"I have you with me " is more appropriate :D

English is a passive language... Most of our Asian languages are not passive.... therefore for us, English sentences start from the reverse :D
"I back you" and "you stand right behind me" .... that's how it goes
Let's respect diversity of all forms :D .... Whether it's cultural, linguistic, racial, religious etc.etc.... After all we are human!

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hi Thien,
Welcome to EF!

I hope i can improve my writing skill here and I also want to make friends with foreign students.

sure you can.... start posting your essays and provide meaningful feedback to others : )

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Undergraduate / Story from your life - University of Washington Essay; "myopic" [4]

My mom began living as a single mom for the next 3 years, caring for her 3 sons.

Well.... "single mom" ? How about;
My mom had to struggle alone for the next three years taking care of her three sons.

father figure

... I feel "fatherly figure" is better

My dad would always tell us that he'd ~~bring~~take us to California

... he the one who was away... so he should take you all there :)

My father ~~approached me informing~~whispered me of a secret affair between my mother and another man.

During those awful nights, I had to assume a strong leadership role for my younger brothers so they would not succumb to the doubts and thoughts of the last word we ever wanted to hear, divorce.

I think you need to have a more emotional word there.... leadership sounds more technical .... how about;
During those awful nights, I had to stand strong taking care of my siblings so that they would not break down.

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to... [18]

Glad to meet you too .... Sure I will help you with your essays!

(btw, r u Pahan's teacher??)

....LOL :D

Well... we are both from Sri Lanka and know each other well : )

What is the exam you are preparing for? It's better to know because each exam has its specific requirements with regard to essay structure. The best way to earn marks is to follow that particular structure well : )

Hope to see more threads from you!

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Should universities provide skills for workplace? IELTS Essay [3]

Hi Tutors, please help me to check this essay, will be much appraciated! Any commends will be helpful.

Hi Mommmmo!
Here there no tutors dear! Everybody's just like you and do their best to help each other : )

t is not a news that new graduates can't easily survive in ~~reality~~real world nowadays

usually ~~self-centre and~~ lack of practical skills ~~are~~ make job-finding harder and harder.

they make / they are making

Even though there is something university could improve, ~~but~~ personally I still think students should take the responsible themselves.

.... improve what? you should specify!

Your introduction follows the required structure... But pay attention to grammar and clarity of your ideas. I suggest you to write shorter and more simpler sentences. They help you arrange your flow!

The priority reason for students gathering in university is to become more professional in their major.

You should use the words carefully in sentences so that they would not become redundant. Here there are a few words that do not add value to your idea, and in fact they harm its smooth flow. Just take them off and see;

The priority reason for university students is to become more professional in their major.... This sounds much better : )

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Undergraduate / Job as a pizza delivery driver - Common App Short Answer [5]

Americans consume 100 acres of pizza a year, 57 square miles of saucy, cheesy paradise.

Wow.... interesting : )

I may not be saving lives, but I am keeping people happy and ~~full~~ contented.

... I feel "contented" goes better with "happy" : )
This is a simple but strong sentence! Lovely !

I realized I have great customer service, phone, and time management skills.

... I prefer if you replace customer service skill with Peoples skill (that's a frequently used management term which includes everything to do with people. And of course,customer service is about servicing people )

Again phone with communication !

The cooks taught me enough Spanish to break the language barrier a bit.

..... " cooks" ? why not say they are your fellow workers?
I also learned Spanish from my fellow workers that helped me service my Hispanic clients better.

I was able to find a balance between working and keeping my grades up.

.... good point!
I suggest you to first finish telling all job related skills you learned; PR, Communication(phone+ Spanish), Time management, memorization etc. Then tell how this experience helped you outside the job (for you to grow as a person); better organization (grades), financial etc.

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / Multicultural societies are becoming more and more popular due to... [18]

Dumi?? Who's that?

Hi Edna!
That's me :D

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] College and universities must do a better job for the workplace. [3]

Of course I agree that colleges and universities

.... either you must keep both plural or both singular... that way it reads better : )

In the following, I would like to explain m opinion by reasons and examples.

You do not have to state this because the examiner anyway expects you to do that. So do not waste time for sentences that don't add value for your essay. Remember, time is a crucial factor for this task : )

Anyways... your introduction is in line with the required structure; You introduce your topic and clearly state your opinion : ) .... That's more than enough for you to earn marks for intro : )

The main problem is that many students pick a major without fully understanding what jobs it will qualify them for once they graduate, and then they are frustrated to learn that the major does not come with a clear career path or one that they are not interested in following.

This sentence is very long and therefore it lacks clarity.... You should not let the reader to remember things because he wouldn't like it. Reader loves less work :D

My suggestion;
First, the students often lack necessary practical knowledge and skills for their desired career. They possess theoretical knowledge, but what is more important at the work place is the practical knowledge.

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Research Papers / My Final Essay for English 1302.8439 Supporting School Uniforms [2]

School is a place to learn, grow and acquire the necessary fundamentals to become a productive adult in society.

necessary fundamentals? ... I guess it should be knowledge.... You acquire knowledge!

I believe school uniformity create an environment where kids can learn and focus on their education.

The word "uniformity" does not deliver any message to the reader... rather it tends to confuse him and I was able to grasp that idea only when I read your next sentence.

I suggest;
I believe that schools should maintain uniform standards in order to create an environment that does not encourage discrimination while preserving discipline so that the students can focus better on their studies.

dumi

Dec 2, 2012

Research Papers / research essay - The Effects of Video Games and Violence [2]

Over the century, video games have become quite an attraction among people of all ages and cultures.

A statistic showed

.... It should be;
Statistics showed ...

With the advancement of technology, video games also have advancement in ~~its~~ their realism and genres.

With the advancement of technology, video games too made a rapid way forward in their realism and genres.

Since the creation of violent video games or "mature" games, there have been constant disputes whether or not if these games will increase violence in the player.

Creation of violent or "mature" video games have been subject to constant disputes; many people argue that these games promote violence.

~~Although~~However, not all video games are graphic and violent in nature, some video games may promote skills such as motor coordination, learning, and creativity.

the word violence must be clearly defined.

There are lots of grammar issues here... Since your deadline is nearing try and get someone's help to fix them.... I shall try to help you again when I get free time :)

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / I wanted to become a performer; benefit from/ contribute to Rutgers? [2]

Hi,

But despite the fact that I knew I had something to offer to the world, I ~~couldn't seem to thicken my skin enough to do anything~~didn't have a nerve to perform anything in front of an audience.

But my shyness ~~would~~ always ~~get the better of me~~kept my talents in the dark.

It wasn't until my first performance as a vocalist at the School of Rock in 2007 that I finally broke out of my shell.

....good :)

The experience helped me build my ~~confidence as a person~~self confidence and made me realize that I could ~~have a~~make home on the stage.

I ~~also~~soon found that ~~I was able to express~~ my thoughts and emotions ~~with an ease that I previously lacked~~flowing naturally with ease, which helped me become more in tune with my feelings and the feelings of those around me.

You said a lot about your shyness and the difficulties in previous sections... Therefore, no need to repeat : )

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Graduate / Overall, I bring a unique perspective, job experience, and stead-fast knowledge base [3]

It is here, within my family, where my passion to serve and care for the well-being of others began and where my inspirations found meaning and momentum.

Nice.... this sentence comes with a punch : )

Each experience was an opportunity to learn about the people I was serving and establish genuine relationships.

This is fine... However, I feel like giving a suggestion for this : )
Each experience enriched my knowledge about the people while letting me form genuine relationships with them.

In the process, I also experienced first-hand that to learn how to lead, you must first learn how to serve.

I feel this is a conviction, not an experience.... you were convinced that learning how to serve is important to learning how to lead.

1) What are your overall impressions of the applicant (myself)?

Good... overall impression is really good :)

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / Urbanization is growing faster, which means the criminals are becoming more common in our lives. [5]

Some people take the view that crime makers should be imprisoned in order to reduce the crime rate.

This is different to what is said by the prompt; The prompt states that criminals should be given longer terms in prison. This does not rule out that they should be imprisoned. Surely they can be imprisoned but with a longer terms in prison. Always make sure that you align your argument with the prompt... That is important :)

The more time criminal people spend ~~on jailing~~in jail

You need to have examples for each reason you give in support of your opinion... It is a requirement for this task!

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / 'The art of my dancing' - SAIC statement of purpose [2]

Since, I have never been expose to studied techniques and approaches I have been able to develop my own untainted ways of expression that are completely original and unaffected.

.... a very good and strong argument.... originality is an asset for an artist; you have presented it well : )

Anotherunique trait is that I do many other activities other than art.

----------------- you mention about many other activities but talk only about your involvement with dancing... you should talk about others if there any more or re-phrase the sentence slightly. Again, when you say a "unique trait'' it gives a sense that other artists do not have this type of aptitude. I feel that is not fair because many artistic people display their talents in more than one form of art. .... Just give a little thought to these facts :)

I like to create based ~~off~~on of those experiences

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Scholarship / Curious and Determined - Scholarship essay for NUS [2]

Glad to finally participate in this forum, it is my first time posting thread;

You are welcome : )

"How much longer?" I ~~would~~ asked my father as my family gathered around a candle in the darkness.

You are talking about events happened in the past.... So no harm in keeping it in strict past tense .... It helps you cut down words : )

Power outages were a common occurrence induring my childhood, when power stations ~~could not keep up with~~failed to meet energy demands.

I want to become someone who plays an important role in future energy solutions.

..... great! we need people like you! : )

As an individual in an increasingly globalized world, it is my responsibility to ensure that we have sustainable sources of energy for society to function normally and to mantain our current way of living.

Well.... I don't see that the first part of this sentence, which I highlighted in bold letters, adds much value for your idea. It consumes 8 words : (

I suggest;
I want to be a part in the cause that ensures the world would have enough sustainable energy sources for mankind to survive and thrive.

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / Gender Images in Chinese TV shows - Research Proposal [3]

Hi,

I am not a native English speaker, so there must be tons of grammatical mistakes out there

No worries : ) .... me too a non native English speaker and let's see what we can do together : )

This research focus both on interpreting the construction of gender iamges in Chinese TV dating shows and the hidden gender ideology behind those images, through the methods of quantitative content analysis and semiotics analysis.

This has some grammar issues... However, I need to know exactly what your research paper is about, so that I can re-phrase this for you... If you can explain that to me, I can help you with this : )

First broadcasted on January 15th, 2010 by Jiangsu TV station, "If You Are The One" ~~have~~had been aired up to 287 episodes.

------- if this program is still on air, change the word "had" to "has" and "aired" to "airing"

Episodes 150th to 190th will be selected for reviewing and analyzing.

The 150th and 190th episodes have been chosen for this analysis.

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / Expressing concern : Environmental Damage VS Rise in standard of Living [7]

we are only concerned with the niche locality ~~were~~where we reside.

.... I guess it's a typo : )

environment is ours and we have to take care of it anywhere either locally or globally and at any time.

This is what I suggest ;
Environment is ours and it has a profound influence on our existence. Therefore it is our duty to take care of our environment irrespective of any geographical or time barriers.

We do take care of minute environmental issues here and there.

Your idea is not conveyed with clarity .... Why not rephrase this sentence?

dependent on technology or rather on ~~convenient~~ convenience.

... convenience is the right word here : )

It seems that rise in ~~standard of~~ living standards is a curse for environment. ----------- The people caused this situation through their selfishness and carelessness : )

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / my cousin was wrongfully convicted of armed robbery; Statement of Intent [5]

Hi jiva,

Perhaps, I can do the same for my cousin and other people with such predicament.

You have well presented the advent of your strong interest in Forensic Medicine. It's quite conceivable!

In addition, it is bound to nurture me for a doctorate degree as well as ~~improve~~better my prospects of making a significant breakthrough in forensic science.

... "improve" is also correct, but I felt "better my prospects" sounds better :D

Not only will it boos~~ter~~ my academic potentials

Thus, my membership in anti-crime organisations such as the Independent corrupt practices and other related offences commission(ICPC).

This has a problem : ( .It's not a complete sentence and better re-phrase ....

However, your reasons for applying this scholarship are given a sort of low profile... I mean, you have mostly spoken of the worthiness of pursuing a degree in this discipline and its importance for you. You talk a less about how the schol comes in your aid!

Overall, you've done a real good job! ... Wish you good luck!!!!! : )

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Faq, Help / How do I contact with any member in this forum? [7]

Well... they are not the same.... Contributors are hierarchically lower :P
You too can become a contributor if you provide meaningful comments to others threads.... You have to at least have 20 comments as per the requirement. Again, moderators would decide whether you would be granted contributor status or not :P

See.... mods are very powerful, not like the contributors :D

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / Honored on becoming a BU Terrier - BU supplement [2]

As I stepped off the green line and onto BU's campus, I could instantly see myself attending this school for the next four years.

Nice opening statement. Yes, this is pretty good. : )

My biggest concern thus far has been trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life; BU assured me that it was okay to be undecided!

That's really cool!.... a very good point!

I believe that i can get everything out of my higher education by attending this university and I would be more than honored on becoming a BU Terrier.

Awesome!

It would have been better if you posted the prompt so that we could have checked the alignment of your answer to that.... But I guess this is of very high quality.... Well done and Good Luck!

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / Ex Offender Admissions Essay [2]

Well... first you need to have a clear mind about why you need to get into school again. Think about it and write it down

Second, think about what you learned by being punished for the offense. Analyse it further and jod down what you learned.
Now, think how you can apply the lessons that you learned in your favor; how they have helped you change as a person; how you are going to use those lessons to put you back on track ... write it down

You now have enough points to start your essay.
Do a draft and post it to the forum... We'll help you to polish it further :)

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / Technology is clever - Present Paragraph [2]

Technology is a clever and valuable tool which Wal-Mart ~~has used~~uses outstandingly.

I guess you need to keep sentences in present tense.

A company called Wal-Mart, that is located all over the world, uses the web to provide comfort and loyalty to their customers.

You talked about Wal-Mart in the previous sentence, so it is now too late to have a formal introduction of Wal-Mart again... Either you should have done this in the first sentence or present its details differently;

Being a multi-national company with gloabal presence, Wal-Mart uses the web extensively to provide more efficient and comfortable service to its loyal customers.

On their website, to gain the reliability and loyalty to their costumers they have "customer written" newsletters and review.

Their website features options such as "customer review" and "newsletters" that help them gain confidence in their customers as a reliable and loyal service provider.

Hope these comments are helpful : )

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / herbicide and pesticide use [2]

Hi,

Two main benefits are argued in support of the use of herbicides and pesticides: an increased food supply and the decrease in insect borne diseases.

I don't find grammar issues here.... but I guess it should be more interesting to follow... It sounds as if you have a word count constraint.. Do you?

I prefer this sentence to be expressed in the following manner;
Increased food supply and the decrease in insect borne diseases are the main benefits that are argued in support of using herbicides and pesticide.
... I changed the order :)

Increasing the food supply would undoubtedly better the lives of some at-need people, however, I see food supply problems more of a distribution and overconsumption issue.

Well.... this one has a few grammar issues that you need to fix.... My suggestion;
Increasing the food supply would undoubtedly better the lives of needy people, however, the food supply problems are mostly due to the issues of distribution and over consumption.

dumi

Dec 1, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App-Evaluate a significant experience; Your husband has been arrested by the police [2]

He ~~was~~is accused of making some seriously mistaken decisions when managing the corporation

... You are quoting what the Police said to your mother. So it should be in present tense because you are repeating the words of the Police.

When I was only in grade 6th , I ~~must~~had to get accustomed ~~of the~~to a life without my father.

I guess it is better to reveal your age than the Grade you were studying, because that would have a better punch! : )
I would suggest;
At the age of xxxx I was forced to accustom to a life without a fatherly figure in my life.

My mom, brother and I were desperately so shocked and had to start everything from scratch within the innuendos, suspicions and even embarrassments.

My mom was taken by terrible shock and embarrassment. So did me and my brother.

I think you should pay attention to improve the clarity of your sentences. Use the most appropriate words, yet keep it simple and comprehensible to the reader!

dumi

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Common Application - significant experience, Chance [8]

Hi,

. The idea of coordinating ten fingers ~~onto~~on the keys ~~together~~ accurately and rhythmically was baffling to me and I was convinced I could never play a piece of music in my life.

Wish if you break this up to two sentences... Too much length cause more work for the reader and he wouldn't like it for sure ;)

Coordinating my ten fingers on the key board was a baffling task for me. I was pretty much convinced that I would never play a music piece in my life.

our country were experiencing

our country was experiencing

Now, a price for a piano was not cheap, and with the financial problems we and our country were experiencing, a piano was not an option.

I feel you should not have your country involved in this sentence.... It is true that country's economy has a major impact on its people's quality of living.... but it is difficult to link the country's economy to your family's inability to afford a piano. It doesn't sound logical enough. Country is the macro picture and here you talk of something more personal nature.... hence your problem is too micro :D

I wish you rephrase this sentence : )

dumi

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / My Friend, the most significant person in my life [3]

Hi,

I never thought that anyone could ever change my timid personality, until I met her.

.... nice : ) .... good opening : )

never truly express myself in any way.

When you already said your inclination is towards an introvert character, this part becomes redundant. Introverts don't express themselves much... So say this a little differently having your involvement more;

I never felt comfortable expressing my true feelings even when there was no harm in doing so.

. I have friends, but I rarely engage myself into their conversations, unless their spoken words were directed towards me.

Here, I too notice what bimzy highlights;

There's some tense problems just, they don't all agree.

At the beginning you said she changed your personality type. So, you have to tell us what happened in the past. Keep everything in one tense, otherwise the reader would be confused;

I had friends, but I rarely engaged myself actively in their conversations, unless I was asked to speak ..... I did some changes with presentation too ; )

dumi

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Colorado application essay; international student, both on paper and at heart [2]

Hi,
You wanted help to reduce word count. Here are my suggestions;

I ~~have become~~am an international student, both on paper and at heart.

----------- Good opening and I feel you can straight away declare that you are such a person :D

Instead I discovered other parts of the world through books, and ~~sat~~ at ~~the~~ grown-up ~~table as long as I could,~~conversations listening to their fascinating ~~conversations~~stories about what was going on in the world.

I struggled with it for a long time, but looking back I am grateful for ~~some of the~~certain things that ~~have come~~came from it.

... This happened in the past and there's no harm you maintaining past tense : )

Always having loved the English language, I decided to make a choice with great impact on my life.

I am a bit worried about the part in bold letters .... :D .... for me, it sounds a little bit awkward and disturbs your flow.... I like if you rephrase that part to keep up with your smooth flow : )

You write well :)
Hope my comments are helpful!

dumi

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / My family's struggle with Immigration - A&M Essay Topic B [2]

Hi,

has, is, and always will be

well... I'm not in favor of this phrase : ( ....
Reason;
...just take ''has'' alone; then it reads as .... Immigration has always an issue for the United States.
This is grammatically improper! Wish you try some other way to express this;
Immigration is an issue of all times.
Or
Immigration, irrespective of time, is an issue.

dumi

Nov 30, 2012

Writing Feedback / Person should never make an important decision alone; 'faculty choosing' [8]

Hi,

What do you think about my essay?

Well... good to know that you are practicing for IELTS. In that case you better pay attention to the essay structure more. It's always recommended to follow the 4 para structure. The best way to get a better of this structure its to read what others have posted to this forum. I'm giving you a few links below that I think are the ones worth reading. Reading others essays also help you get familiar with essay points and new vocabulary.

In addition, pay more attention to grammar!
Do more and more essays and post them here.... We will help you with them to go for a good score : )