Undergraduate / Peace Corps Essay #2 - Multicultural Experience (Moving to London) [5]


This is a boring way to begin. :-) I hope you don't mind me being critical! I always try to notice if the first sentence of an essay seems too plain. Can you think of an intriguing sentence that will accomplish the same thing?

I view the world as a place full of interesting places, people and cultures that should be seen and experienced.--- again, very obvious and plain.

Here is where the good stuff begins, I think:
My passion has driven me to open my...
How about making this the first sentence and scratching out the ones that precede it. But you can add more meaning by doing this:

My passion for _________ has driven me to open my...

Okay, I know what should fill in the blank: my passion for studying cultures has driven me to open my...

"Studying cultures" is like the theme of the essay. I think you should take out the boring sentences at the beginning and establish 'studying cultures' as the theme for your essay. And the peace corps is a perfect place for an anthropologist like you!!

You do write very well. Sorry I called your intro boring. :-)

Undergraduate / An opportunity to bring any person (Johnny Depp) - NYU Common App [5]


No, he is great! But it depends on your reason. Make it so that this essay reflects your seriousness about your chosen field of study. You know, like... if you want to by a physician, maybe you want to choose Deepak Chopra. If you want to be an entrepreneur, maybe you choose Johnny Depp because you know that acting is an important part of doing business.

Muster up a good theme!! Muster up an insightful message.

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [12]

here is another chance to look at how "less is more" when it comes to modifiers:
Countless people and numerous factors have...
Read it this way, and I think you'll agree that it is better when not weighed down by numerous. (countless and numerous are redundant together.)

---and accomplished for the past sixteen years. --- are you only 16? For some reason I thought you were much older. The way you write makes me think you are older.

...my dream was most influenced (by?) my school and classmates.

You should use fewer modifiers. Especially adverbs. Adverbs are the devil. And do you know what is especially the devil? Adverbs that end in ly (which is most of them). Yuck! You can improve almost any sentence you ever see by taking the adverbs right out.

I can't determine the main idea yet, but maybe after you write some more it will be clear..

:-)

Undergraduate / My mother - UT admission essay - person important to you. [9]

...that special person than (that?) has a dynamic impact on every choice made in life.
Hey, I don't think she has a dynamic impact on EVERY choice.

You wrote this so very very well, and I see no errors.

Also, I think the word rarely is okay; (I saw what you and Frezard were talking about).

The only change I suggest is about that line above. Instead of saying she influences every choice, try to find the words to say what you REALLY mean. :-)

Undergraduate / "my school's orchestra" - elaborate on activities paragraph [4]

Initially a third violin, my conductor - recognizing my dedication to practice - assisted me in honing my talent. --- this part would be correct if your conductor was initially a third violin. Do you know what I mean?

So do this:
Initially a third violin, I was recognized by my conductor for diligent practice, and she assisted me in honing my talent.

Here is another sentence that can be clearer:
I have learnt the importance of the phrase "Together Everyone Achieves More" through sectional rehearsals, which have also developed a great sense of commitment within me.

Through my sectional rehersals, I have learnt the importance of the phrase, "Together everyone achieves more." Rehearsals which have also developed a great sense of commitment within me.

:-)
Being an orchestra member represents me doing what I love, and loving what I do.

Writing Feedback / How to take a good photograph? Chronological order - process Essay [4]

This is great! I like the energy of your intro.

First, you have to buy a decent camera. That does not mean you must get an expensive one, because mega pixels do not matter.

Resist the urge to let the higher mega pixel number sway your decision on what you buy.---- good advice!!

... and give the face an unfortunate shape. --- hahahahahah, very good writing here.

Okay, I found one line that seems to be taken word-for-word from photo.net
I did not see any other lines that seem unoriginal, but I need to delete the essay in case it is copied. Make sure you always rewrite every sentence that you find online, and do not ever take a sentence directly and include it in the essay!

If I am mistaken, I apologize!

:-)

Essays / Effects of having a baby..(Cause & Effect paper) [3]

Use affected instead of effected. "effect" is a noun, and "affect" is a verb.

You should change this sentence:
Having a baby affected me in many ways: spiritually, financially, and psychologically.
or
Having a baby affected me spiritually, financially and psychologically.

I bet it certainly did! Most importantly, it probably gives you special insight into the nature of reality and human life.

Your thesis statement must be a sentence that is worth a whole essay. It is like the ruler of the essay... the queen bee. It is the sentence that the essay was written for.

Do you know what I mean? You have an insight you want to share, so you express it in a sentence and then give 3 supporting paragraphs. Then, you write a nice thoughtful conclusion. But the thesis is the backbone of the essay. YOU have to decide what your thesis is. If you were in a conversation about this topic, what would you say to contribute meaningfully to the conversation? When you write a scholarly paper, you are contributing to a conversation.

Also, google this:
how to write a cause and effect essay

Undergraduate / TITLE: Seven Pairs, Thirteen Years: This is my Common App Personal essay [10]

"my... my glasses!! They're gone!"

Wow, nice! This one made me laugh aloud. I am my glasses.
So... congratulations... in an age of digital entertainment, it is really hard to write an essay that is truly entertaining.

When you do dialogue, use a comma before the quoted stuff: ...sporting the brand new frames she heard me say, "Why is everyone staring at me? Have they never seen someone in glasses?

Also, use a period at the end: Well, I think I look cute. " That was the spunky toddler in me.

I think it will be so excellent if you take out this: (literally)
You don't have to spoon feed the reader. The reader will really appreciate your use of this notion that glasses are your benefactors, guiding you and comforting you.

Writing Feedback / Topic:My father.It's a preparation of speaking section for toefl. [4]

Okay, you got some very good corrections here. You can look at them all and practice typing the essay correctly. Do you have questions about the corrections? It will be great if you try to use these ideas and type the essay again so that you get practice doing it the right way.

:-)

Scholarship / Actuarial Science: why your selected degree programme? Scholarship Essay Help. [10]


Good! Now the next level of structure is the topic sentence. Each para can start with a topic sentence that tells its main idea. That means you need 12 ideas to support your thesis statement.

Oh, I just noticed what linmark said. Yes, you really should have an intro with a thesis statement. Try to make every essay contain a statement that expresses the central truth of the essay. Taht way someone can easily think and talk about the essay. For example, I can easily tell you the main idea of an essay by Stephen King:

Stephen King's essay is about his idea that we all enjoy horror movies because we are a little bit crazy.

Perhaps this essay prompt does indeed intend for you to do it as 3 mini essays... but if it is possible, it is always good to have one memorable main idea to link the parts together.

Essays / Discuss how Singapore can reduce its carbon footprint. [3]

Writing is a craft. You can follow a step by step process.

500 words is about 5 paragraphs, so you can do a classic 5 paragraph essay.

Start with three body paragraphs. Each body paragraph needs to start with a topic sentence. The topic sentence is the main idea of the paragraph. Can you do some research and come up with three main ideas about how Singapore can reduce the carbon footprint?

Just write those three sentences for now.

When you are ready, go to the first sentence and turn it into a paragraph by adding a sentence of explanation (explaining what you mean) and then another sentence with an EXAMPLE of what you mean. You can even include a quotation from an article. It is easy to turn a topic sentence into a paragraph.

So, read some articles and get started by writing 3 topic sentences... 3 ideas about reducing the size of that footprint!

Undergraduate / 5-7 paragraph (Studying in England universities has many benefits) [5]


It would be even better to substitute "she," because in past generations the male pronouns were overused so we should make up for it now by writing "she" or "she or he."

Also...
Second, the accredited certificate that the student will get it after completing his bachelor degree enables him to continue his education by enrolling in a master's or doctoral program wherever he wishes.

This is an interesting prompt. You did a good job of using "Though very expensive."

Poetry / Suggestions for my poem : "My Flight". [10]


There are no rules in poetry. Some people do not use any capitalization. I know what you mean, though... seems weird to capitalize the first word if it is a continuation of the previous sentence. Personally, I like to write poetry in the form of a paragraph and let the reader figure it out.

Your poem is great! Very fresh and insightful.
surprise me with whatever you have got in store. --- I think the rhythm is better with no 'got'

Wandering Cycling aimlessly in whatever way I want,---- cycling would continue that bicycle pedaling theme, and it also has another meaning: the cyclical nature of life.

This is cool... I like 'pedaling to the present'

for I ask not for joy or contentment to fill my heart,

Poetry / 1 sense poem 'When I'm at the beach I hear... [9]


Cool! Take out that comma, though. The 'crunch of fresh fish and chips' is a great phrase.

My ears range out to the chime of bells---- I'm not sure about this use of "range"

Well... poetry that rhymes becomes silly sing songy. Very cool, though, is when rhymes occur at the beginning of lines...and the end is distinct in its rhymelessness.

Writing Feedback / GRE-The arts reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society. [7]

This is very interesting. I think you can put your first 2 paragraphs together as one paragraph, and it will be very strong. When you give this observation about art sometimes expressing only individual views, it is good to keep explaining before ending the first para. That is why I think you should put the first two paragraphs together.

The last paragraph should be longer, too. Give a full explanation for each paragraph, especially the first and last paragraph in any essay. The purpose of a paragraph is to let you express an idea and then explain it with a few sentences, including an example.

:-)

An essay with a very short intro and a very short conclusion is like a big fat guy wearing a very small shirt.

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]


"everyone who learned from me"

:-)

And I am left wondering what is meaningful about your experience of "thinking with THEM??"---- Yes, I think it will be good if this essay goes into some more detail about this notion of "thinking together as a team." That is a good concept to explore.

Writing Feedback / Only by questioning accepted wisdom can we advance our understanding. [4]


That is great, but you should revise a little so that the reader can appreciate the significance of the metaphor. If you give another sentence using the word veins, the reader will understand better.

I can't score the essay because I would be arbitrarily choosing my scoring criteria. I give you 100% because you are great! Yet, depending on scoring criteria people will have differing ideas about how you would score.

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

Awesome. Do you think that looks right, Abbas?

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]


Yep, terrible... the limits are nerve-wracking for everyone.

Hey, you have some great, powerful sentences here. I like it.

I hope you can make room for one more sentence after the yin and yang sentence. You need to back it up with an explanation:

...electricity and mathematics were the yin and yang of science. Electricity is yin, because _________, while mathematics is yang, because ________________.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: GUN CONTRAL [5]

Hey, that makes sense. I see now that per cent used to be 2 words and that people gradually put them together.

So.. in UK English it is common to write it as 2 words? I think I often see EssayForum writers write them as 2 words...

Thanks!!

Graduate / Life Decision - narrative of why I will like to be a Physician Assistant [8]

My family believed in choosing a profession that one exhibited from childhood.--- I know what you mean, here, but this sentence does not make sense.

My family believed in choosing a profession that requires talents one has exhibited since childhood.

Don't use also and as well in the same sentence.

I really like this essay, but I want to shave off the first part. I think you should start with this:
My Mom had told me that she saw two ... and omit the stuff that came before it.
Then, add a new thesis sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that captures the central meaning of the whole essay.

One more correction:
Consequently My mom walked in just after the incident, and I stood with tears in my eyes without saying a word.

Graduate / I am confident that, if admitted, I will be an asset to the class of 2012 - ISB essay [3]


Hey Ershad, thanks for making me a better communicator. This is something I agree with. Don't start by making an assertion, because it will be an unsubstantiated assertion for at least a moment, and that is no way to start an essay. Begin with an observation. Take an inspired, indirect route. Intrigue the reader.

In this essay, I think your intro paragraph should speculate about a few ways someone can contribute to a class. Contributing to discussions is good, but what about motivating others? What about contributing to your chosen field some accomplishment that will make the school even more prestigious? Use your intro to discuss the ways in which someone can contribute, and then use each body paragraph to cover one of those -- maybe three -- ways of contributing that you discuss in the intro.

"inherently extroverted" --- this is not good. It is an unnecessary use of the word inherent. An extroverted nature is always inherent, because it is your nature.

Use this as a brainstorming exercise. Use it to construct an essay that has an intriguing intro para that ends with a thesis statement which lists 2 or 3 ways in which you can contribute -- contributing to discussion, being a positive example, and offering encouragement.

You have great accomplishments! Now revise this essay to be less straightforward and more philosophical.

Writing Feedback / Baku-- a short paragraph about the hometown [9]

Cool!
Nice use of "bumped back"

You should probably take the s off the end of construction.

...rushing in a noisy flock along the tangle of streets.--- again, it's okay the way you had it, but I would add the article "a"

Should orient be oriental?

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay feedback, regarding the idea of talking about power of advertising. [5]

Hi Jose,

You can achieve your goal. Like many bilingual people, you have mistakes when you write in English. However, if you keep your sentences short you can do well.

Look at this:
Nowadays advertising is such a common term either in business or personal talks almost every single released product must to be advertised.
This is good, but it can be better with shorter sentences:
Nowadays advertising is such a common term, either in business or personal talks. Almost every single released product must to be advertised.

By practicing here at EF, you will improve your skill. Let's do another one:
They have contracts with global or local celebrities to attract customers' eyes and increase the number of sales. rise the sell's number . In sentences like this one, you make small mistakes, but if you keep your sentences short it will still be easy for readers to understand.

As you prepare for the test, practice with short sentences so that you can easily see your errors.

Practice typing all the corrections people make for you here. I'm glad you are participating!

Essays / Global Warming research paper- what kind disasters do global warning cause? [11]


Ha ha, well said! :-)

Basanta, if you want a model essay to use, google this:
global warming essays

You will find many to use for guidance.

When you write something IN YOUR own words, post it here and we will help you improve your writing.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Friends, knowledge, purpose: people attend college for many different reasons [5]

You should add a sentence to that first paragraph. You can say it is indispensable... then give a sentence to say it is also useful for more than just finding a job... then at the end give your sentence that says most people are interested in more than just career training.

So I think you should add a sentence right in between the 2 sentences of your intro paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "hand-picked" for a career: honestly critique my admissions essay [3]

...the love and passion that I share feel for sociology and counseling. (now add a sentence that tells specifically what you would like to do for work and what your specialty will be, and perhaps what schools of thought you favor in psychology (i.e. tell about your special approach to sociology.)

Oh, I see what Jon means about that first para. Like..you say, "I mean deep in your..." but I almost think this is okay because it is so natural and full of vitality. Yet, maybe Jon is right. That prude! How about a formal introduction that concisely tells your plan and what you expect to accomplish in college and in your career.

...experiences to positively affect students with whom I interact during classroom activities or extra-curriculum activities.

Yes.. so revise that intro to be "all business" and see how you like it. Tell the reader clearly that you want to help people by empowering them and giving them the resources to work with confidence toward healing and happiness. Tell what you want to do every day as a professional when you become a social worker.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My race" - Meaningful event - UF essay [5]

It is 5:30 AM, and the sun has not risen yet. You could feel the humidity--- keep the verb tense consistent and see how it sounds nicer... like this:

It is 5:30 AM, and the sun has not risen yet. You can feel the humidity...
or
It was 5:30 AM, and the sun has not risen yet. You could feel the humidity...

Here, you switch again:
I realize I am at the end of the group, noting that ...
do it this way instead:
I realized I was at the end of the group, noting that...

The inclusion of sports in my high school life made it instantly vibrant.--- cool use of 'vibrant'

Okay, you have a great style of writing. I am excited about how much it can improve if you choose a verb tense and stick to it.

Now, get inspired, read the whole essay again, muster some creativity, and rewrite this sentence:
From all the runners and supporters that day, to my family and friends my dedication has never grown short.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Advertising nowadays has more and more affects in our lives. [6]

Advertising nowadays more and more affects in our lives. We can see advertise everywhere, such as: televisions, newspapers, radio, buses, and many places in our city.

They support much many kinds of products to achieve their high sales and help them easy to touch influence the customers.

But in other cases sometimes they overstate the truth and make the customers confused, so once or twice we will buy a product but they don't have the qualifies that the advertisements talked about. That is the bad things because it makes us lose the trust for the products of that company.

That will make the company have strength in their business and pride in themselves about what they do.

You have some excellent sentences! Look many times at my revisions and practice typing the correct way! You make only minor mistakes while your meaning remains clear!

Writing Feedback / Topic:Is telling truth always better than telling lie or only partial truths? [5]


Yep, every article I have seen about this kind of issue involves a reference to Kant. You can also talk about the difference between Kant's deontological ethics and Mill's utilitarianism. It is a great subject to study! But for now let's work on the essay.

Yet, how is about a patient who practices the speaking of untruths to himself?

Now looking back, he admits that if he had not lied himself he would not have been a legend nowadays.--- wow, very impressive!! You have a good point.

Sometimes it is necessary to lie to others to compensate for their unreasonableness, ha ha... like when they have a knife and are waving it around, you can say, hey, the cops are on the way! Even if they are not...

Hey, actually it really would be good to look into absolutism vs. utilitarianism. Here is a link:

I think you will enjoy that. This is about utilitarian ethics:
"If the end does not justify the means-what can?-Edward Abbey"

The way to improve the essay is to revise to speak in terms of the discussion of whether Kant is correct that lying should be categorically forbidden or whether Mill is correct that the end justifies the means.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay:the disvantages of cars [6]

Put a comma after accidents and before etc.

...accidents, etc.

That first sentence is very good!

However, automobiles also bring many benefits in our lives.

So... you do not have many errors. I think you should work on your thesis statement. Give a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that tells a unique idea that is the main idea supported by the whole essay.

:-)

Graduate / Admission for Phd in Epidemiology [10]

Yes! You need the word 'and' right after the comma. Otherwise it is a run on sentence.

I am an Epidemiologist seeking for a doctoral position in epidemiology, and I am highly interested in your scope of research: communicable disease.

In addition, I am tutoring first-year medical students in problem based learning sessions.

I hold MBBS and Diploma degree in field epidemiology (FETP). I have an experience in conducting research , literature reviews and scientific presentations in addition to analysis of national surveillance data.

And through getting a training under your supervision and in the internationally leading university of xxx, I will be able to do more to benefit people in the community as well as in the healthcare facilities, and I will be able to share and exchange the experience between two far geographic areas and two different communities.

A copy of my curriculum vitae is attached. I am looking to hear from you, and I appreciate your time and consideration.

Please be sure to help some other people with their essays. You write very well, but you have some mistakes that show you are bilingual. If you are bilingual, you can help a lot of other bilingual people here at essayforum.

Good luck with your internship! Notice all the small changes I made.

When you use a semi-colon, it should separate two phrases that could each be a complete sentence. Google this: correct use of semi-colon

Undergraduate / "Always a part of me" - Vires, Artes and Mores- FSU essay [3]

Nice intro! I think you can add a short sentence at the end that mentions your main idea. Is there a special word that captures the main idea of your essay? Get that word in a short sentence at the end of the first para.

Use a comma:
Our coach told us, ''If you ever have to ...

Artes have defined me ever since I was little. --- people say this too often in admissions essays. Can you give a sentence that, in a clever way, shows the reader that art has been your thing since you were little? 'Show, don't tell'

I don't like this sentence:
My greatest achievement has been my strengths.

I like this sentence a lot, and I like the rest of the paragraph:
Vires has been taught to me through my ... excellent examples. You explained it very well, too.

Okay, so go back to the beginning, and see if you can identify the main theme of the essay. The introduction should include a sentence that tells a clever idea that the reader will remember.

Undergraduate / "about fishes" - Common App essay- significant experience [3]


Yes, as Frezard said, this "lazy" thing is confusing, but it seems cool! Maybe you should PRECEDE this sentence with one about the laziness apect of ichyfishology. Or whatever you call it.

:-)

I like your writing style!

I want to see if you can work on your theme. For example, is this the main idea? ---> Spending time learning about fishes was a great experience for me. --- this is not full of much meaning... come up with a main idea that is fascinating!! Something that tells a little about the meaning of life.

Even though I don't plan on pursuing a career related to this field, I still love having all this extra knowledge.--- It may be more useful to say something about an insight you gained while studying fish.. an insight that will indeed be useful in your chosen field.

Get inspired! There is a connection between itchyfishology and your life's work.

Undergraduate / "To illustrate Strength" - How is the content, should it be more personal? [4]

I illustrate strength nearly every day in more ways than one. --- weak! Say something that will grab the attention. :-) Do not accept anything less than fascinating sentences.

Not only do I go to school every weekday but I also... --- it is not impressive that you go to school. :-)


I don't think unimaginable is the right word for things that have happened. Things that have happened are imaginable. Actually, I think this whole sentence is unnecessary... you should try to have a theme for the essay. The theme should be your own unique insight about Vires, illustrated by your accomplishments.

So, it is no good to say something about how good vires is, like the example above. Instead, present your own contribution to the topic. You have to do it in a single sentence and then use the rest of the essay to explain it and demonstrate it.

So instead of this, Therefore, I believe that Florida State University is the perfect environment for me to learn and gain new experiences that I can get at no other school. do something more meaningful, like ... "I can contribute to Vires at FSU by using the motivation I get from my excitement about entering the field of XXXXXXXXXX. I am fortunate to feel so inspired about my chosen field, and this is a source of strength because YYYYYYYYYYYY.

This is just my idea, not necessarily the best thing to do. I want to express, though, that it is important to have a single clear insight about vires. End the first para with a sentence that tells your main idea.

My job requires me to go outside and retrieve carts from the parking lot, bag groceries, and mop the floors until 10 PM on most nights.--- this is rather ordinary, not worth mentioning. I'm sorry to seem critical!! You write well, and I'm just giving my ideas.

Try rewriting this with a focus on Vires and/or Mores as it relates to the field you are interested in entering. The most impressive thing is to have a plan for your future, and this can be a good way to demonstrate the virtues.

Faq, Help / Why are some people getting suspended? [44]

See the TOS!! You have options for that. And anyway, now that you know the rules you can get a fresh start.

:-)

Sorry for the trouble!

Undergraduate / People attend college or university for... (knowledge, personality, friends) [2]

I see some spelling errors. I hope you can get microsoft word or some other program that will check your spelling for you. I bet you could find a spell checker if you googled this:

online spell checker

One of the most beneficial points of this is that the talk with the educators will enable the students to avoid some mistakes and make their success easier.

The way you write is very organized and rhythmic. I like it. You have some errors with English grammar, but when you keep practicing I think you will be one of the best! You write with excellent organization and deep insight.

Undergraduate / Education is the best gift, "Greatest personal achievement\accomplishment" [2]

...the things for which I should be thankful.

When I was younger, I didn't give importance to studying or even the gifts given to me. But then, as I become a young adult, and I faced the truth...

I think you should paste this into a word program and hit ENTER at the end of each sentence so that you can look at the list of sentences. Then, delete any sentences that say something you have already said.

After that, take the 5 most powerful sentences and use them to start some distinct paragraphs. Do not write the essay as one long paragraph. Instead, think of a sentence that tells the MAIN idea that the reader should memorize and remember you by.

Then, use the other paragraphs to support this main idea.

Each paragraph = one idea
One essay = one big idea supported by paragraphs.

Try rewriting this in paragraphs that each consist of 4 or 5 sentences.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Only by questioning accepted wisdom can we advance our understanding. [4]

...to question authority with some might even consider as outrageous, or atleast uncomfortable disconcerting attacks upon the accepted wisdom of the time. --- I think this sentence needed to be simplified.

This concludes reflects the fact that that questioning plays

This is an excellent sentence!! ----> This freedom is our right. Life is reduced to a meaningless drift towards an end if we do not fail to enjoy this freedom, losing the power to think and act. (I just made a small change...)

Capitalize the name: Karl Marx

...conclude that questioning is important for bringing reforms that slowly trickle down the veins of the society.--- excellent... you write very well. What is the significance of referring to trickling along the veins of society? What does the vein represent in the metaphor?

Faq, Help / Help to understand one of the rules (You get what you give!) [11]


Yes, we are all here to practice. And another interesting fact is this: Some people who grew up speaking English cannot help as much as you can, because you have insight about trying to learn English as a second language.

:-)