Writing Feedback / Against Lowering Drinking Age to 18 [3]

I think you better use "consuming alcohol"



This sentence is very long and make the reader tired of reading it. Better use shorter sentences that have better clarity.


-------- Good


---------- I agree.... at least for Asis :D


Effect and affect are two different words with different meanings; For example;
It affects my way of thinking
Its effects are tremendous.

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement - "From Inspiration to Biochemistry" [6]


impressive : )


another beautiful sentence.... You write so well : )


-------- good point : )

I couldn't find any point in your writing for me to suggest further improvements... It is truely outstanding and I wish you every luck!

In fact I added this to my favorite collection of essays : )

Undergraduate / 'different Hispanic cultures' - Discuss your short and long-term goals. [7]


the word each is getting repeated; Also I split it to two sentences thinking that would help you improve clarity.



I always aspired to be in the Naional Honor Society and make a distinguish presence in that list.

Undergraduate / 'The trauma of my parents splitting up' - admission challenge essay help [7]


what do you mean by just people like you? That's not very clear and better give some idea about that to the reader


I introduced some changes here... Hope that would not cause your word count to inrease.



--------- You said this before too.... so it sounds repetitive

Letters / "active participant in class" ; recommendation letter by past teacher [4]


I did some changes into the introducton : )


I suggest;
Ruba was under my direct supervision while I was teaching chemistry in classes XII and XIII. She is without any doubt among the first ten outstanding students I have ever taught during my teaching career of nnnnnn (number of years in teaching) years.


It is very difficult to identify your paragraphs. You need to present this in a more tidy manner : (

Undergraduate / 'makeing it to the world stage - strength' - Penn State Personal Statement [3]


With that, I became passionately involved with track and field and aspire to make it to the world stage.


Running not only gives me a thorough understanding of the importance of its techinque, but also teaches me the mental tenacity and the value fo perseverance.


impressive : )

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement: Single Mother [2]

Well... SOP is the one that introduces you to the admission committee. So it is going to make the first impression about you to them and therefore you need to be a little careful. Whatever you mention there must convince him that you have the committment, passion and talent to pursue you studies as well as you are a candidate who can bring something meaningful to their community. This does not mean you can talk only about your positives, of course you can talk about the negatives too... However, these negatives should be tackled in a way that you have learned very valuable lessons through them and they have influenced you to change your personality in a meaningful way.

So, I guess you better not talk about the second and third (I dont get it clearly)

Writing Feedback / Learn to speak English On-line [2]

When you make posts, better you include the topic of your essay.... So that others would give you more relevant feed backs.


My suggestion;
For the non-native English speakers, learning English on-line is a very effective method whereby they can participate in classes via Skype or other web-based e-learning modules.


The main advantage is that on-line learning creates opportunity for the non English speakers to interact directly with native English speakers.

Undergraduate / 'design and the Japanese culture' - Carnegie Mellon U Supplement [2]


In my view, you should start the essay with this point.... then it will flow more interestingly and the committee would soon be answered why you want to pursue studies in your desired field


just a small typo :D .... "enrich with" not "enrich for"



session on what? better specify


---------- good !

Writing Feedback / Ielts_writing2: poor children better at solving problems than rich children? [9]


Yes.... I think you do a wise thing... IELTS and TOEFL topics are the best for you to improve English writing because they are mostly argumentative essays with simple comprehensible topics. They help you improve your vocabulary; arrange your flow and improve your presentation of ideas.

Also if you are keen on improving your writing skills, read as much as essays written on similar topics. It really helps :D

Letters / 'clever, active and organized' - Recommendation letter of my student [3]


My suggestion;
It is my pleasure to recommend John Smith for xxxxxxxxxxxxxx. I have known John since xxxxxxx and he had been one of the most outstanding students in my class of mobile communications. I had also been his thesis advisor.


------ avoid such phrases in letters of recommendations

Graduate / CFA/ Working for Finance company/ PHD; My short term (3 year) career goals [3]


My suggestion;
After completing MSc Finance course I intend to follow the CFA course. The knowledge I acquire during the MSc would lay the foundation for CFA.



------- famous or prestigious?

What are your short term goals?
Doing CFA and then joining a prestigious company in the finance field?
Better re-do this as your goals are not clearly presented here!

Undergraduate / Sante D'or - 'Volunteering at an animal shelter' - UC Prompt 1 essay [2]

Please include your prompt when you make posts to the forum... That is very helpful for us to give you moer relevant feed backs.


------- Just like my parents ...lol

Very impressive writing : )

Undergraduate / "MEETING THE CHALLENGE" UC PROMPT #2 [2]


As I read it the first time, I couldn't catch your idea.... "migh as well" sounds a bit confusing : (

If you want to cut down the number of words, I think you better shrink the details of Danny's experience... It is too much detailed and you could surely be able to get rid of two to three sentences in that.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: how to tie it up? 'my resemblance to my father' [3]


---------- why? you think your dad is not good looking ? .... :D



-------------- I introduced these changes in hope of improving the clarity of your idea and trimming down the word count.

Undergraduate / My brother's sickness dictated our lives; TUFTS-"Let your life speak" [2]

Seems you have a problem with the word count; you already have over 500 words :D

Here's some help to cut down;


------------ you cant have such details when you have a tight word count limitations....Therefore no harm leaving that out


You write so well and it is such an interesting piece of writing. I think you do not have to include the last paragraph. That would help you manage the word count and even without it, it reads so well : )

Undergraduate / HIV research. AIDS victims suffered legal and social discrimination [2]


----------- I suggest you to have punctuation


- secretions ... I prefer this term


------------- this horrifying deadly disease
ailment is a term generally used to describe a mild disease and AIDS cannot be classified as a mild disease

Undergraduate / 'Poverty and luxuries of America' - community essay issue [12]

For us it is not clear what your instructor expects; May be she is asking you to write about some problem in your community where you too have become a victim.

It seems you are going to talk about the poverty and its effects on your life. : )

I moved to America couple of years ago and i am living inenjoying the luxuries of America now.


- ----------- this sentence is a bit confusing.... what do you mean?


--------- You better break this sentence at that point and start a new on. Also when you say your siblings do not remember the past, tell the reason for that to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Ielts_writing2: poor children better at solving problems than rich children? [9]


yep... I agree with Ravi.... you display very good vocabulary : )


Here I have a small issue.... when you say family background it contains a much broader sense... not only financial, but also social background, family values, etc.etc.... Since this topic is focused more on the financial aspect, better avoid using ''family background''

Undergraduate / Football player. His personality is one that I like to mirror in my own life. [2]


circumstance arises / circumstances arise


---- change punctuation from full stop to comma


-------------- there are too many ''the'' s.... ...


------------ what do you mean by journey? it's not clear to the reader... specify

Graduate / Hey I'm the phD applicant, I want to get some suggestions about my SOP [2]


Good opening and it answers your question 1 very well : )


Except this mentoring part, you seem to have tackled everything else : ) ... you have detailed out everything to show your preparedness for the course... so why not include this too? I feel you should : )

Any ways... you have done a good job !

Graduate / Data Storage Security in Cloud Computing - SOP for Master In CS [4]

This is good, but pay attention to the following as well;
The admission committee forms their first impression about you by reading your SOP. Therefore, you need to display a little bit of creative talents there for them to remember you out of hundreds of applicants. You need to show them you are a right type of student for their college. So tell them how you developed your passion for this field and how much you are attached to it. How you can contribute to their student community, etc.etc.

Writing Feedback / 'advice from immature people' - about making decisions [4]

Well... what I mean is that your sentences do not convey the idea clearly. This happens when you include too many ideas in one sentence. For example;


I find this sentence is too long and not properly organized. So it confuses the reader and make him tired of remembering things to follow your idea. Try to make simple and clear statements. They are more conceivable and the reader likes less work : )

Undergraduate / 'House Rules / Childhood fantasies' - COLUMBIA SHORT ANSWER [8]


My suggestion;
The book House Rules had a major impact on shaping my perception of the world.

Interesting... I haven't read that book, but seems it's quite good :)

You've done a good job!

Undergraduate / Business and Social Sciences ~ University of Washington Honors Program Essay [3]



--- owner of the wind farm means that it belongs to him and therefore makes that part redundant.


------ I introduced a few changes


My suggestion;
I need to be taught more than how to conduct business.

Writing Feedback / 'advice from immature people' - about making decisions [4]

It is better if you could post the exact topic for this essay... As it is seen, I guess you are preparing yourself for TOEFL or IELTS.


This is not constructed properly and therefore it does not give your idea to the reader. Try and re-phrase : )


My suggestion;
First, the decisions that are made collectively can sometimes lead to disastrous results.

I think you need to pay more attention on improving clarity of your sentences.

Undergraduate / RUTGERS APP ESSAY -EXPERIENCES; stereotypical suburban white teenage girl [2]

Interesting ... you write so well : )


I wish if you consider rephrasing this.... Upto this point it was a remarkable flow. I feel you can connect this idea with the previous sentence : )



strong sentence that tells us how strong you are : )
GOOD LUCK with your application!

Undergraduate / Law School Personal Statement "Average" [2]


I changed the punctuation... I like the way you have arranged your flow : )


this is a strong sentence .... very impressive : )


.... I did a few changes : )


-------- this sentence is a bit too long and the reader finds it difficult to memorise things to keep a track of what you say.... better re-phrase

Writing Feedback / Ielts_writing2: poor children better at solving problems than rich children? [9]

well... add specific examples :D

Since you need to manage time (the biggest headache at the TOEFL exam :D ) you better stick to one reason for para. But make sure you have one example for every reason. You can earn lots of marks if you strickly follow their recommended structure.

You write well and with more practice you can go for a real good score. Look forward to reading more essays from you : )

Scholarship / 'My parents and Pre-AP English teachar' -academic subject in which you excelled [4]


You have said a lot about how you began to love the subject and what factors contributed to you being sucessful. However, you have not said anything as to how you excelled; I mean your achievements to show them that you have really excelled in this subject :)

Undergraduate / Stanford short essay #1 The Road NOT Taken [4]


. ... I feel you better remove the library part here because it sounds as if you were in a library all the time;
I was then a sophomore trying to complete another homework assignment , annotating a poem by Robert Frost


-------- Howabout "admission committees" instead of "Colleges" ?

Undergraduate / Topic B: Issue of Importance, Technological advances [2]


I feel this sounds a bit odd. Why not tell that technology helps us in many ways?

However a fewsome people are afraid that technology will advance even more, yet slow our society down.making the humans become too much dependent on technologically advanced devices that would have many negative impacts on our society.


----------- interesting : )

Writing Feedback / Ielts_writing2: poor children better at solving problems than rich children? [9]


--------- very good sentence : )


------ they have lived with such experiences; so keep it in past tense



You give lots of reasons to justify your opinion; but you do not provide any example to support your reasons. In this task, they specifically state that you should support your reasons with examples. So be mindful about that. My advice is, give just one reason in one para and include an example to support it. For example;

.... As a result the children come from poor families become more independent in contrast to the rich children. For example, the ten year oldTimoty, our driver's son looks after his younger siblings while the parents are at work. Through this experience he has become much more independent, matured and responsible than other kids of his age and needs least support or supervision in carrying out his duties towards his family. ...

Writing Feedback / 'USA has a lot of international students' - My ILEIST exam essay [3]


This sounds like a direct answer to a question; However, the prompt expects you to write and essay and this is not a good way to start. You need a little bit of creativity in writing.

Follow this structure for writing this task;
1. Introduction - introduce the topic; state your opinion
2. Body para1 - 1st reason for your opinion +example to support the reason
3. Body para 2 - 2nd reason for your opinion +example to support the reason
4.Conclusion - sum up everything said above

Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]

Okkkkkkkkkk... then let's try to improve it:

This is what I did for you;

I remember how angry and upset I was after the semi finals, the first time I could make it to the semis in my tennis career, when I lost the game to a boy of thirteen years. My anger had nothing to do about losing the game, but about being a victim of cheating. Yes, this boy cheated his age and I found hard to pardon him. However, I calmed down myself and accepted the unfair decision as I respected the game and sportsmanship. However, during the award ceremony, my coach called me to a corner and said "don't worry about your loss, you can do that too and we will help u do so too." The coach, the person whom I always had so much respect, was suggesting me to cheat on my documents. I looked at him in astonishment, picked up my certificate and went home in a great despair. My anger shifted from the boy to coach. He was the actual culprit who encouraged the boys to cheat. I fought a battle within me; should I cheat my age as he suggested or win the game with a clear conscience? I determined to keep my hands clean. After four years of my hard work and dedication I finally defeated that boy in the finals; and with that I defeated the continued unethical practice of cheating!

You may change it the way you like : )

Writing Feedback / 'the precondition of doing research by professors' - Toefl essay [4]


------------ just a suggestion : )

Good introduction!


----- nurture is not the appropriate word here though it means to help grow, provide sustenance and cab be applied to knowledge as well as a person. If you want to use this word, you must say;

The professors'duty is to nurture students' knowledge.

Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]


sure... you have the first hand experience and I did not have any idea. What I expressed was what I guessed about the incident. The above is fine : )


----------- I feel that part does not contribute much to your essay... also it is not clear what your coach requested you to do... better tell it to the reader at this point.

I'm not clear about how the coach cheated. If you quickly reply to this post, I should be able to help you accommodate that in your essay and help you trim your word count further.

:)

Undergraduate / "You can do it" - constructive criticism for my UC personal statement [4]


Yes... it focuses more on your little brother and it is a wrong approach. You need him to put yourself in the focus. Tell about your brother and introduce him to us. But quickly bring the attention to you by highlighting the role you played in supporting him and helping him fight agaist his sickness. You need to talk about yourself through this experienc. Let the reader understand your character through this experience of you. : )

Writing Feedback / 'adequate rest and sleep are essential' - IELTS- Writing task 2 [5]

Good Introduction : )


------------ This is not a complete sentence. Look at the suggestion provided by Ahmad;

It is dangerous to say things abruptly; that disturbs a smooth flow of your ideas and make the reader bored. Always do your best to maintain the clarity of your sentence. With what Ahamad has added, the sentence now looks more clear and easy to understand.

Overall, you write very well and understand the structure that you need to follow. So it's a matter of coming up with good points and reading others' threads would be very helpful for that : )

Graduate / Self Deception: reasons and implications [2]


ohhhhhhh... interesting point :D


I suggest you to change the order of word organization that , I believe, would improve clarity;
When we solve a complex mathematical problem, have we ever asked our selves whether we conciously solve it or act merely on instinct.


Well... this is the first time I came across such a definition on the term "scinece" : ) Did you pick it up from some source or is that how you percieve science?