Undergraduate / UC-prompt 1 Learning to be an independent thinker [10]

Hi Lilian,

I have found a few mistakes I've done in my previous suggestion to you. I'm sorry about that. Here's the corrected version;

Since my childhood we were under strict rules, obligations, and restrictions. There arewere right ways and there are wrong ways; To be a doctor iswas right , to be a cook iswas wrong; Short hair for boys iswas right, short skirt for girls iswas wrong. Gradually, we were forced to align our thought process inwith a rigid conservative directionthinking , while independent thinking becomesbecame a luxury. But iscould life as straightforward as beingcan life be generalised as black or white? I have hadbegan to have my doubts.

I feel you better keep it in the past tense : )


However, my parents were somewhat unorthodox. They encouraged my own judgment against mere acceptance based on others' views. When they discovered my born talent and passion for mathematics, they did everything to help me progress in this field.

However, I dont understand what your battle game is... Better rephrase those lines for the readers to get a clear idea.

Writing Feedback / Individualism and Personal Diversity [3]


it exists / they exist/ it is in existance/ they are in existance


the word "and" comes before the last word of seperation. Also this sentence is not clear at all, it does not give your idea to the reader. Better re-phrase it.

Writing Feedback / solving environmental problems : international agency instead of state/national govts [8]


I dont say this is bad... but I prefer if you express opinion more direct;
In my opinion, I think the internaitonal agencies alone cannot be held responsible of solving this issue due to the vastness. The national agencies too should join hands with international agencies in solving this problem if we are to achieve satisfactory results.


--------- I introduced some changes here; you are going to tell the reader about the advantages of having international agencies involved and this idea must come out very clearly by this sentence


- ------------ every nation (every nations is wrong)

You have give reasons to show how international organizations can help solve this issue by highlighting their strengths. So, now it's the time to provide an example. Tell the reader about some program which is conducted by an international organization and how it is supported by them.


------------------- take this reason to the other para and show how important it is the role of national organizations.

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / three reasons I feel fortunate to be the person I am. [2]


I suggest the following for this opening sentence;

I call myself a fortunate person because I was born into a wealthy family, I achieved all my academic goals and found a successful career in the field business.


You mentioned this in the first para. So you better express this differently;
Having born to a prosperous family very well looks after one's desire for a quality education. When the parents have the financial stability they could always opt the best solutions for providing education to their children.

Graduate / Individual Critical Reflection [2]

Hi Pat,

You need to do your first draft dear. You are the one who's most familiar with your subject materials and stuff. So do your research, find information and then do your first draft. Post it to this forum with the assignment topic. Then we would give our feed backs, comments and suggestions for you to improve your essay. That is how EF functions.

So we are awaiting your draft : )

Undergraduate / '4x4 pickup truck'; Peace Corps Essays: Motivation and Cross-Culture [2]

This is again very impressive and you write so convincingly!

Honestly... I just could not find anything to put forward as suggestion to improve. You are such a good writer and this is absolutely a great job.

Well done and wish you all the best!

Writing Feedback / 'Not just sharing profits' - Should rich countries share wealth among poor countries? [10]

At the left hand corner on top of your screen (below profile/ transaction) you find the "new thread" (a black color box ). Click on that and you will be navigated to a new screen. Type your essay title in the thin upper block for the subject. Then write your essay in the message block. Then click on ''new thread''. Make sure you post a meaningful essay, otherwise they will suspend you.

Look forward to helping you with your new thread : )

Undergraduate / UC Application Prompt #1: How am I supposed to know what I want to do with my life? [2]


All this sounds true. However, if you need to have your application look more attractive, present these facts through a real life example. It can be a incident/ situation/ person etc.etc. That sort of writing is generally very interesting and has a better ability to convince your points :)

Otherwise they may look like a list of past records : )

Writing Feedback / 'Not just sharing profits' - Should rich countries share wealth among poor countries? [10]

Hi Nuram,
First you should post your essay in your own thread. Start a thread and post your draft. We will give our comments. Do not use other members' threads for posting your essays.... they usually do not capture others attention because you dont own the thread.

Think along the lines they have given and do your first draft. Then post it as your own thread! You will then recieve comments from us as how to go on improving your essY!

Writing Feedback / A long line of stopped vehicles extends to the end of the road; CONTROVERSIAL ESSAY [3]


-------------- small shift of words : )


-------- carrier? .... your idea in this sentence is not very clear to me : (


----------- I fear that scanty is not the most appropriate word here



--------------- keep it in present tense

Writing Feedback / solving environmental problems : international agency instead of state/national govts [8]

You have lots of good ideas, but they are not arranged properly. That the reason why they fail to convince the reader and make your essay more attractive than it is now.

For this task, you need to pay attention for two things:
1) Whether your essay is aligned with the right structure that can earn you marks
2) Manage your time - you need to finish the essay within the allocated time for this task

So, even if you have lots of good ideas and reasons, it is dangerous for you attempt to write everything because by doing that you may not have enough time to complete your essay.

Undergraduate / 'financial abilities' - a summer research program. this is a short answer. [2]


-------------- I think ''constraint'' is a better fit here rather than using ''influence''



--------- sounds too exagerated


------------ this is a confusing statement. The reader does not get your idea clearly. Better re-phrase it : (

Better you give us your prompt and with that we can give our comments better

Essays / The importance of opening paragraphs of a short story essay, how to start it? [10]

well.... you do your first draft and post it to the forum. For facts, you need to do your own research and find them. May be you can google and find

When you post the draft here, we will help you to improve it by providing our feed backs
However, you need to get it going ; do the draft and post! : )
We are happy to provide our comments : )

Writing Feedback / Ielts ( preventing crimes with childhood behavior analyzing) [3]

write your essay and post it to this forum. Then we can give our feed backs to you.
If you need points for this essay, type a part of the topic in the search above and search for similar topics. Reading others essays and also the comments provided for them is a good way to improve your writing skills.

We will help you once you post your essay : )

Writing Feedback / solving environmental problems : international agency instead of state/national govts [8]


... every nation / all nations


------------ each nation / all nations


-------------- this sentence has grammar issues. My suggestion;
This purpose requires the co-operation of individual citizens as well as the government.

Well.... you need a better organization of ideas. Also follow the recommended essay structure for this task ;
1. Introduction - introduce the topic; state your opinion
2. Body para1 - 1st reason for your opinion +example to support the reason
3. Body para 2 - 2nd reason for your opinion +example to support the reason
4.Conclusion - sum up everything said above

Undergraduate / "Never Enough" - Profile Essay for my English 101 class [2]


Awesome!



---------- how about the word "generous" instead of giving?


------------ I feel this needs to be rephrased to improve its clarity and presentation. You suddenly talks of a service day without giving the reader any clue before.

Undergraduate / applying Ohio state university, why do you considering OSU? [2]


sure.... I will : )

What is your prompt?
If you had included that in the post, I can help you better.
Anyways, for the moment;


-------------- hope you do not have word count limits : )

Writing Feedback / Religion Studies 100 - Buddhism and Hinduism; 'concepts of rebirth' [4]

Hi,

Well... first of all you need to understand the conceptual difference between re-birth and re-incarnation when you discuss topic. In Hinduism it is not actually re-birth, but re-incarnation; The buddhists believe in re-birth while the Hindus believe in re-incarnation.

Google on these two words and you would find loads of material for info.
As a Buddhist my self, I believe in re-birth which means that we believe that we will be born again until we cease all our cravings and attain Nibbana. Although, like Hindus, we believe in Sansara (chain of births), we interpret our re-birth in a different manner. We believe it is only the mind stream that travels from one birth to the other, and nothing else is carried forward. In other words, it means that I would not be the same person in my next birth both physically and mentally. So the buddists reject the concept that we have a permanat eternal self. However, we believe in human conciousness.

However, in Hinduism, they believe in athma (permanant eternal self) that travels from one birth to the other (sansara). According to Hindus, it is the same person with same characteristics although he would have a different appearance in different births (one permanant atham) . It's like pouring the same water into a new vessle.

So.... this is an interesting topic that you would be able to come out with a great essay.... Only thing, do a bit of research : )

Undergraduate / How to draw on the right side of your brain? Essay [2]


I wonder whether creativity is more important than literacy :D
Why I say this is, may be a illiterate person who is so creative ( suppose an artist) can survive and even prosper with his skills. If he is literate, that compliments him for sure but it is not a great necessity for his artistic career. However, if he is literate and not creative that would be detrimental for his profession :D

Just a thought! : )



"every child' is the correct form


I dont get the right idea of this statement.... why do you talk about failures? can you make generalisation like that and if so what is the basis?

Writing Feedback / IELTS WT2: TV HAS NO VALUE ON CHILDREN. AGREE? DISAGREE? [4]


Since in your previous sentence you talk about "watching television" , the word "these" does not refer to the television programs. You need to make the change in one of these sentences. Better change this one:

Although some of these programs present less or no value for the young viewers.


TV show intends / TV shows intend

Some more points for this essay topic: TV is the most powerful media as it is audio visual. Therefore TV programs can have much stronger effect on educating children than any other media. The programs based on educational facts are therefore very effective in delivering subject knowledge and arousing the subject interest in children.

Also they help build a good aesthetic taste in children, if the children watch programs of good quality.

Writing Feedback / Drawbacks of studying abroad can be noticed, but these are temporary in nature.. [4]


------------ hahaha :D .... it does not matter so long as you don't act like an "it" ----------------- lol


these things do happen when you are in a rush :D, but be careful :D

Your write well ; in the body paras, try to provide examples for your reasons.
Since time management is an important component in this type of tasks, i recommend you to have one reason per one para that is supported with a solid example.

:D
Good Luck! : )

Undergraduate / I've lived in a box my whole life. UC Undergraduate Essay [3]




well.... you may be having lots of things to say on this. The intro itself provides a good idea about your background and hardships. Elaborate them with your real life experiences : )

Also, tell them how you fought against the odds; how you succeeded; how these experiences shaped your life and how contented you are about your achievements : )

Undergraduate / Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma [14]

Here's some help for your word count;


He had obtained an entrymanaged to enter into the U-10 tournament by falsifying records.


------------- why do you repeat this sentence? Did he cheat on the age? That's not coming very clear... If there's no special reason, leave this out to help your word count : )


---------- I introduced this change to highlight that you are a strong character : )

Writing Feedback / Drawbacks of studying abroad can be noticed, but these are temporary in nature.. [4]


hey... your prompt statement talks of the opposite side :D ;
But while it may offer some advantages, it is probably better to stay home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

You may have missed it :D ... Other than that, it's a very good introduction that conforms with the expected structure for this type of task : )



"it" is used for things and animals :D
Overall, good job!

Writing Feedback / Random checks for guns,knives & other weapons; PERSUASIVE ESSAY [3]



yes, students carrying weaopns is dangerous and everybody acknowledges it. However, is that the only reason that persuaded to take the decision? I think you can give them more reasons; You can say that recent incidents happened that in various colleges gave an alarming warn to all the schools to be proactive to prevent such things happening at their schools. Also you can justify your opinion by highlighting the current harmful trends; youth is influenced by violent movies and cartoons.

Undergraduate / Dribble, pass, shoot -Simple Concepts, yet Complex in Execution; EXTRACURRICULAR ACT [6]


AWESOME! :)

With the given word count, I think you have done a great job. It well describes your involvement with soccer, your passion, your focus, and its influence on your character. I dont think you can do any better than this.

In my view, you address everything the prompt expects from you. Good Job!

Writing Feedback / This is preparation for my Greek mythology Finals, I need reviews. [2]

Hi,
I'm sorry for being so late to post my comments on your thread. In fact I saw this almost everytime I accessed the "unanswered threads" section, but just passed by as I was not confident making my comments on a subject that sounds a bit alien to me :D

However, I couldn't ressist my temptation today, to open this thread to read it and found it's pretty interesting :)
In the first prompt, you give a candid expaination as to what are Apollo's functions. So that part of the prompt is well addressed. However, I was not very much comprehended whether you adequately describe how they are connected or otherwise.

May be that is due to my lack of knowledge of the subject. :D

Undergraduate / Greetings fellow Stanfor Admit; Stanford roommate essay [6]


Well... I can see you are very unorthodox... :D And it's something that sometimes help you to be a creative writer and not everybody can be good at as the way you are. : )

However, I guess you are submitting this to the uni and the admission committe who read through this may not consider this as funny. They may sometimes see this as displaying a wrong attitude or harsh critisism. There is a 50%, 50% chance, in my opinion. Would you like to take a risk or otherwise is the choice left for you : )

Undergraduate / UC-prompt 1 Learning to be an independent thinker [10]


---------- good opening : )

Here's some help for you to trim your word count;


-------------------
I did some changes in the sentences as well as punctuations. This is very good and reveals very much the world you come from. I only wish if I have time to spend with your essay more.

Just tell me your feeling about my comments and whether they are helpful. I would try to help you this some more, if you are interested in having my help :D

Undergraduate / 'Homelessness, a social problem' - Issues in community essay [9]


My suggeston;
Homelessness is one of the major issues that a community suffers. This condition arises when its people fail to have regular access to housing.


[/i]This sentence is too long and contain too many info. That makes the reader tired of remembering evey detail of it. So, better break this sentence to two or three for easy comprehension. : )

People who have complex life issues related to mental illness and of substance use are the most common people who tend to be homeless

[i]This sentence to lacks clarity. What do you mean by substance use?

Research Papers / "Right Wing Voter Suppression" - Research paper for english [2]


I have highlighted the places of "voter identification laws'' ; feel like too much repetition!


-------------- well presented : )


real or natural?



It's well presented and hope my comments are useful!
Good Job!

Graduate / Next to impossible was my life up until four years ago! ; Critical analysis [2]


No doubt, you have excellent writing skills. However, your opening sentence is a bit too long and it makes the reader tired of remembering stuff.... Just give some thought for this point, because your first line is the one that makes the first impression about what you wrote : )


awesome!


your dream of becoming a teacher suddenly appears, sort of unexpectedly for the reader.... why not you introduce this little change to the line in your first paragraph making the reader ready to accept it : D

Undergraduate / Moving accross United States, from Pennsylvania to California- Common App Essay Critique [3]


------- better specify otherwise it sounds confusing


My suggestion;This experience influenced me to be a respectful and humble person because they are the essential ingredients for making new friends and adapting into new environments.


------ here you are repeating some ideas you already told in previous lines. Always tell the reader something new letting your ideas to flow logically;

Though settling down in new places was very challenging and difficult to cope with sometimes, it helped a positive transformation in my character creating many opportunities for me to grow as a person.

Essays / Average life of a black female - need topic ideas? [4]


:D ... Hey.... Ahmad ! Encouraging others to lie ? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :D

Anyways.... what Ahmad says is true. Most of the admission applications are pretty spiced up to make them attractive. But, I guess they are not completely away from the truth too. As Ahmad says, you may have faced with many situations in life, both good and bad, that you can relate to describe certain personalities of your character. So, what you need is to add salt and pepper to make it an interesting piece of writing. Read the SOPs posted to this forum and get ideas. Ask your self, who you think you are. What factors shaped your character? Who are the persons inspired you? How did they do it? What are your interests? What do you like to be in future and why? .... and so on

Drop down answers to these questions and try to organize them creatively. You can post your essays to this forum and we can give you feed backs : )

Undergraduate / Common App Activities Essay -- First time joining debate team [3]


.... I introduced a few changes to this : )


I suggest;
However, during my junior year this problem was solved and I finally had what I longed for, joining the debating team


... say this differently;
My failure broke my heart severely.

Undergraduate / 'The EducationUSA adviser' - answer to the Dickinson Supplement [7]

Hi
It's better if you had posted the prompt.... that would help us to give a better feedback to you : )


------------- rather than saying engineering, say something simpler, for example - machines, because as a kid you would have appreciated things related to engineering, but would have not possessed this field as a discipline : )


you use the word engineering repeatedly in three places and that does not sound attractive :(



the word expand gets repeated again in this sentence. My suggestion;
As my interests widened, I understood that studying Physics would create more opportunities for me than engineering.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing - Should children learn science in school? [5]



this sentence has a grammar issue. You need to rephrase it:
Whether the student's curriculum should include science as a subject is debated topic today.


my suggestion;
there is no reason to drop out science subject from school curriculum because there are very many students who love to learn science.

Writing Feedback / Conventional schools are still the right choice for most students - IELTS essay [3]


------------------ sea change? .... well, I am not familiar with such usage and guess it cannot be in common usage. That's the reason why I introduced the word ''vast'' in its place : )


-------------- actually I feel it's better you focus on the advantages/ disadvantages of these two methods more;
Some people believe that home schools will be more effective in delivering knowledge in contrast to traditional type of teaching. However, there are many others who reject this idea.


------------ I think this sentence is better presented when you express your view directly to the reader. It's even better if you can briefly indicate the reasons:

I believe that traditional schools cannot be replaced completely by home schools because they provide better guidance to students, eliminate demerits of the technology, create networking opportunities and help develop social skills of the student.

Writing Feedback / My IELTS Task 1 Reports (UK citizens travel abroad and the countries visited) [2]


... Table illustrates / Tables illustrate



country was/ countries were


------------- you can also say ''Holidaying/ Vaction'', but Leisure is the best usage. Also when you discuss the graphical or tabulated interpretations, you better maintain the present tense. That is why I changed the tense from past to present (was---> is)

Undergraduate / Grammar corrections on exchange student statements [4]

Then change your last line accordingly
All the best to you and you'll be fine.... Have confidence and go
Good luck!