Essays / descriptive piece about a scary place [4]

When you don't know how to start... that is a familiar feeling for me. If I try to draw, I don't know how to start. I jus stare at the paper and cannot envision where to draw anything. But with writing I can always start from where I am.

"I NEED HELP!" My little brother had knocked over a stack of boxes, and now they were in the way when he tried to open the door. "I'm suppose to be getting over my fear of the dark, but I don't know how to start!"

Add some energy to the story by making it so that the people involve are making progress toward a goal.
Add sensory words. Google this: sensory words list
Add conflict that creates tension. Who is in conflict with whom?
Give a resolution to the conflict.

That's your recipe... your formula. If you have conflict, you have a story. Make it a good one!

Writing Feedback / To what extent do you agree or disagree?---modern & traditional building [6]


Yes!! Explosion is the word people use for this.

In present society, one of the most significant problems accompanying with the population exploration is the housing problem, so ...
...should construct much more buildings in traditional styles. (now add a sentence that tells what you think and why. Then, end paragraph 1)

Admittedly, there are some reasons for those people who stand for constructing buildings in the traditional way. First of all, the traditional buildings...

However, I do not think we should build our buildings mainly in the traditional way. Firstly, it is decided by the present ...

Correspondingly Consequently, we have to build most our living houses in a way that never has been used before. Besides that, constructing our buildings in a modern way is ...

...most of our buildings should still be constructed in a modern way.

Good argument!!!!!!!!!!!

Writing Feedback / Holistic communication in nursing care [4]


Wow, your first essay ever? Impressive... you must have beginner's luck. You wrote great topic sentences, and the composition is of a pretty high quality!

Harvard style changes from one school to the next. It is very similar to APA. Just start with this:
All it means is to put the publication date after the author's name as a courtesy to your reader.

(it means more than that, but start with that basic idea.)

Here we go:
Doctors, nurses and other health professionals cannot treat the patient with out using this method. ---- what do you mean? Do you mean that Doctor's nurses, and other health care professionals cannot claim to be adequately treating patients if they are not using this method?

I also discuss 2 two barriers in communication,2 two types of communication (verbal and nonverbal), and identify examples which clearly define the meaning of communication and its importance to our day-by-day living. (now, before ending paragraph 1, add a sentence that tells the main idea that you come up with as a result of all this inquiry. What is the moral of the story of the writing of this essay? End the 1st paragraph with a memorable sentence about a theme YOU perceive in this paper. :-)

When you define communication, cite the source. You should use a definition from the field of health care rather than just a dictionary definition.

When you give a fact, cite the source:
Holism is the idea that all the properties of a given system cannot be determined or explained by its component parts alone (Name, year).

Ego identity is the conscious sense of self that we develop through social interaction (Erickson, 1967).

Erikson's Theory of Psychological Development. psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/psychosocial.htm. Accessed 24/04/2010. Put publication info at the end of the paper in a reference list!

Google this:
Citing sources harvard style list

You are doing well! Just add citations. Go back and put the name of someone after every statement of a fact.

Letters / Post doctorial position of chemical/material engineering engineering -cover letter [4]

It's a great pleasure to have a chance to write to you. I have come to know of you through your worthy articles about ________ (give a phrase that proves that you catch her meaning. Professors always know that most people only have a superficial understanding of the meaning. The word worthy is meaningless here, unsubstantiated in the sentence). I am writing this letter to inquire about a research fellowship opportunity in 0000 Research Laboratory.

I am a 00-year-old male postdoctoral researcher in the Department of polymer science and engineering, XXX University. I graduated from XXX University College of Engineering science in february February 2010 and have been working here after finishing the doctoral degree in the laboratory of Prof. XXXX. My Ph. D. research being done focuses on the analysis and definition of physical properties of composites and ...

Being well aware of your outstanding academic accomplishments in the study of _______ and __________, I would greatly appreciate if you provided me with an opportunity to work as a research fellow under your supervision. My interests are aligned with your areas of expertise, in the sense that _______________________. I can start working...

Enclosed is my curriculum vitae for your close review. Prof. XXXX has indicated that he would be happy to provide ...

You'll do very well because the have the wisdom of humility! That is something not everyone has. :-)

Writing Feedback / As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work (job satisfaction) [2]

Name_Here did a great thing here, like usual. I know how tedious it is to make those corrections, so... thanks!!

Inderjeet, you have a nice way of writing, and the mistakes are not bad mistakes. Do you know WHY all the corrections were made? I wonder if you have questions.

In this sentence, a good word is various:
Life has diffrent various stages, like ...

and another good word for the 'teenage years' is adolescence:
... childhood, teenager adolescence, ...

and ue the word "and" before the last word in a list like this one:
...adulthood, and old age.

Use capital letters to start your sentences:
adult Adult life is a time when a person ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / The amount of money per week spend on fast foods in Britain - IELTS Task 1 essay [3]

The graph shows the expense per week on junk food in Britain.
The graph shows the amount of money paid each week for junk food in Britain.

It is good to put these 2 sentences together as one for clarity:
On the other hand, the consumption of fish and chips accounted for 300 gr in 1970, and subsequently it declined gradually in the mid of period to 200 gr roughly and climbed slightly to over 200 gr at the end of period. --- I took out some commas, too.

:-) This is very good!!!

Undergraduate / 'chance to share Russian culture with other people there' - What qualities for UCF? [2]

Surrounded by the comfortable study environment of the University, I'm determined to gain a deeper knowledge both from theoretical and practical perspectives .
Moreover, since I have...

My previous study experience had taught me the ways to be efficient and curious in the learning process. It Efficiency helps me to ________, and curiosity helps me to stay motivated and goal-oriented.

I think such characteristics as diligence, organization and inquisitiveness are the keys to successful education.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "There are no challenges so difficult, no goals so impossibe" - the english comp [3]


You should use the word "often," because obviously some people do set high goals.
I feel that people often fail to set high ...

Rachel, I'm not helping any more with this essay until you remove the part about what women are expected to do.
A homemaker is an example of where a women is put into a situation and expected to fulfill the needs of the household even if she may not think that she can accomplish all the tasks . The lady of the household is expected to... A man can be a homemaker, and a woman can be a professional making money at the office. Your essay reflect a worldview that is oppressive to women. When a woman gets married, she does not have to be a homemaker.

So, I'm protesting this essay! Please change it so that it says a "woman or man" can be a homemaker. Who told you that a woman is expected to be the homemaker? This is the 21st century. :-)

A woman can be the president of the company. She can be the owner of the company, and she can fire the men, who will then need to go home and be homemakers.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- Violent Media [6]


Yes, media is a strange word. People commonly use it as singular even though it is plural.
Media is the plural of "medium."

Read soe of these to see usage: nyu.edu/classes/stephens/Articles%20on%20Media%20page.htm

You CAN use it as a singular noun.

Your writing is indeed good. We all have mistakes in our writing. Here is one:
Media affect children's personalities to become less sensitive to the suffering of others.-- this is okay, but it can be better:
The media affects children's personalities, making them less sensitive to the suffering of others.

:-)

Book Reports / Writing a thesis statement: the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas [2]

The thesis statement is like the "good point" you make when you join a conversation. Your friends are talking about the story, and you say, "This story shows something about human nature. It shows that humans are willing to sacrifice a lot of time to seek revenge." Your friends would say, "That is an interesting point!"

When you discuss this book, what interesting observation do YOU make?

YOUR unique personality + the story = the meaningful thesis statement.

Put that thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph, and make sure every topic sentence supports it! :-)

Writing Feedback / Traffic congestion and ways to reduce it - Compare paragraph - What's better? [5]

In order to minimize the state of traffic congestion occurring throughout .. "state of" does not fit here very well, but it is not bad.

In that way, the amount of vehicles on streets will be reduced significantly.

Therefore, with high taxes on v ehicles, inhabitants might not be travelin g by their own cars or motorcycles.

...should improve the quality of the public transport system, which lessens impact on crowded street in rush hour by decreasing the number of private vehicles. If people feel comfortable with public transport, they will leave their own cars at home.

On the other hand, the governments also have to raise the citizens' awareness to combat chaotic activity during rush hour. When people do not obey the traffic law, there is no doubt that everything will change fr om bad to worse and traffic jam simultaneously happen. In contrast, although streets are full of vehicles, they could move slowly continuously if the traffic rules were followed.

These two go together nicely. You can put them together as one thorough response.

If I had to choose one that is more impressive, I would choose the first one.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Using machines is very helpful because you can save time and effort [3]


Actually, I want to be clear about this... I am not involved in any of these writing tests and don't know about the ways they are scored. I just think the English is of high quality, because it is better writing than some people can accomplish even if they have grown up speaking English.

We all have errors in our writing. If I were you I would feel confident.

Letters / "Candidate for study under the Phd program in Nanoscience" letter of recomendation [3]

I have known Mr. XX since 2004 when he began his studies at the Faculty of Physics, XXX University, specializing in physics and computer science.
In the first year he immediately made himself known as a diligent student. On the test of programming languages he earned a very good grade. Two years later, he passed the exam with me from computer networks and was assessed as a high achiever.

... Mr. XX is an outstanding student eligible for the Erasmus program and a year studying at the University of XX / Spain, where he came into Spanish and passed all the exams. He also visited the center in Extremadura nuclear ...

This work was rated as very good.

After graduation, Mr. XX began his career in XX as a physics teacher in middle school and high school. Also in This activity requires a proactive attitude, commitment, and innovation.

In conclusion, I recommend Mr. XX as ...

:-)

Essays / I want to know something about myself ("cold decent boy") [8]

Yes, that's right. How strange! Cool means level headed, but cold means something like "uncaring and unfeeling."

Writing Feedback / What must we do to truly understand ourselves? [4]

Eyes -what a miracle miraculous part of one's body.

Yes, like Noto said, use "they"
They are able to see everything; however, it they can't see themselvess without the help of the mirror. Similarly, one is ...

... asked for Elisabeth's permission to marry him, surprisingly, she refused without a moment of hesitation.

Overall, During during our lifetime, only when two personalities meet each other can one find the defects in one's own character, begin to understand oneself, and try to ameliorate one's traits.

:-) nice ending!! Keep practicing...

Research Papers / Topic for a case study of Global Warming; particular individual or incident [4]


No! You can't use material from wiki, and you can't paste material into EssayForum if it is not original material.

Hi Kimculp, the best way, I think, is to have an article or book that is your main reference.
Oh! Here is an idea: This has to be a case study, according to your instructions. The teacher wants a particular case examined. So, choose a particular activist. Al Gore?

Global Warming is a weird subject!! Choose a person to make the focus of the paper, and I think you'll do well, because you can use all that person's publications. If you interview the person via email, you'll definitely get an A!!

:-)

Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

Hahahaahahaha...

Better late than never.

It is really important that people can feel comfortable giving corrections and saying "I am not sure, but I think it should be like this."

I say that sometimes, too. It's okay to tell what you think about an essay and say, "I might be wrong, though!"

That is how we can help each other to think about and interact with our writing.

Essays / I want to know something about myself ("cold decent boy") [8]


That is so interesting!! I didn't think you were talking about cool.

What does the word col mean to you My sense of it is that someone is cool if they do not get upset easily. They keep their cool.

Also, something or someone is cool if it is interesting. So, those are 2 meanings. But if you say someone is cold, it means she needs a jacket, but it can also mean she does not feel guilty if she hurts someone.

:-) pretty weird language!!!

Book Reports / Help framing a case study of Jekyll and Hyde and two of its adaptations [2]

What's the class? What grade level?

This is an interesting thing to have to do, seriously. It must be for late high school or college if it is 3,000 words, because that is about 10 pages.

What you need to do is appreciate some of the themes of the story, and think of the truths to which they point? Isn't this story about bringing nonliving material to life? Does that remind you of anything from modern times?

What about asking what hidden truths about artificial intelligence can be discovered in the story? If that is your interest, you can look at the process of adaptation and see if that truth was maintained.

It's the same with any other question you come up with. Think of something cool about the original book, and then ask if it was maintained throughout the adaptation process.

You'll need a good database. Has your school got a good database with articles about the adaptation? There are articles about the adaptation, for sure...

:-)

Undergraduate / What are the characteristics of a good leader? (Trying to be a psychologist) [3]


Let's not be implying that only men can be leaders. Say "character of a person."

Based on these three different leadership positions, I would like to emphasize some crucial features: knowledge and experience, respect and psychology. ---- Based, not basing...

also, I added a colon. Do you like it that way?

Otherwise, like a bad master always quarrelling with his tool the leader will be blamed and/or blame others. ---- you can say "bad carpenter"

Otherwise, like a bad master carpenter, always quarreling with his tools, the leader will be blamed and/or blame others.
or you can say...
Otherwise, like a bad master, always quarreling with his servants, the leader will be blamed and/or blame others.

Trying to be a psychologist and attempting to learn and comprehend workers industrial psychology is also one of the characteristics featuresof a good leader. The man leader should not dictate his own ideas, but instead should lead by example while remaining open to others' psychology as well. Having or creating combined psychology common understanding between leader and employees is one of the essential patterns of above mentioned family atmosphere in a workplace.

To sum up the characterization, were I a leader, I would try not to make the mistakes that my advisors had done made, which affected my thoughts and respect about them. Furthermore, I would develop and ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "I bet she's a tramp" - my English FINAL. [3]

When I saw that risqué title, I thought to myself, "This person has to be able to write very well to get away with using such a title. I see that you do write well enough to make this work, good stuff, good stuff.

Here is a place with an extra comma: Before attending high school, I spent nine years in a Catholic school with the same class of thirty students, out of which I was the oddball. --- see that one that I removed, the last one?

This really is okay, but to be careful you could add a subject, a noun... like, some people write like this:
This is not to say I didn't try almost every sport known to man kind; I just was always more interested algebra, art classes, and choir.

I think your way is okay, but some readers might not agree with me.

Okay, here is the criticism: at the start, you introduce a specific theme... having identity trouble because of being associated with the older brother. At the end, you make a simple point about making people smile. You must reconcile the start and the end. Make it so that they both cover the same topic.

Find some inspiration, and I think you'll make a great theme for this essay.
:-)

Writing Feedback / Television- A Boon or a Bane? [6]


Ha ha, I love the intro! I would simplify, though>
What else can it be other than our very own television?
Don't capitalize television.

I see that you capitalize television, and at the end you capitalize entertainment. Don't capitalize those! :-)

The question is: what is it teaching? ---- good point!!

At the end of this very cool essay, you make a point about purpose. I want to see you introduce that point at the end of the intro paragraph (so add a sentence to the end of that intro para). If you introduce that point -- about being purposeful -- at the start, this will be a very memorable essay!! :-)

Writing Feedback / First of all, a healthy mental and body is prerequisite to succeed - TOEFL [5]

Hi Kevin, I see some great corrections in this thread, but I want to encourage you to rewrite the first paragraph. Change the first paragraph so that instead of talking about the value of sports you talk about the IMPORTANCE OF INVESTING PLENTY OF MONEY IN SPORTS PROGRAMS.

Know what I mean? You are on the right track, but you should mention three things in the first paragraph:
libraries
sports programs
money

You must make a statement in that first paragraph about the importance of giving as much money to sports as to the library.

P.S. You can say that the library is becoming obsolete, anyway, because of the Internet!! :-)

Essays / Essay About Introducing my Self - 'Reflections' [9]

Look around you right now, and describe what you see.

Dive back into the memory of some experience that defines you in some way. Look around and describe what happens. You can have a whole paragraph without the word "I" if you dedicate that paragraph to describing a scene and things that happened. You might use "I" in the first sentence of the paragraph to tell,

One experience that illustrates a part of my personality occurred when I was in the halls of my junior high school as a twelve year-old. (now describe the scene and the action...)

Undergraduate / "the Redbud Literature Honors Society" - common app short answer [3]


This is a strange cutoff point! :-)

Hey, Maretta, you are great!! This is a good, thorough edit...

If you write
Upon first entering the group, ...
you have to write something YOU did upon first entering...

Upon first entering the group, the I campaigned for presidency during the Honors society's leadership elections...

For the last part, instead of talking about the skills it enabled you to develop you might want to talk about something that drives you, something that you envision for your future, and how this excellent experience reflects that drive -- which is also what is driving you to apply to this school.

Book Reports / Help with my introduction and thesis statement for A Thousand Splendid Suns [3]

Afghanistan at that time did not believe in equality between ... being obedient, sorrowful and oppressed.
(i think you start a new paragraph here, right? If not, I think you should)

Afghanistan's men can dream of a future in which they make someone of themselves yet women are doomed to cooking and cleaning. The inequality ...

Women do not have the rights and freedoms to argue or stop the inequality they face, and so Hosseini writes in a way that compels reade rs to sympathize with their struggles.

After the Taliban came in to power, women had little power over their lives. Every... in this paragraph it will be a good idea to cite a particular chapter of the book to tell where these idea are coming from.

I still think you could add some unique observation to that thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph... right now it is too simple and obvious. :-)

Dissertations / Suggestion for topic for Ph.D. related to Knowledge Management [8]

I saw on Wiki that KM can be used in a technological way or in an organizational way. So, the first thing to do is determine if your interests are aligned with info technology or organizational management.

Are you an IT scholar or a management scholar?! :-)

I suggest these:
Qualitative work, maybe interviews, to determine the effectiveness of a particular KM strategy.
Quantitative work to compare the outcomes of various KM strategies.
A multiple case study approach used to compare various KM software programs.

Undergraduate / SOP for undergrad mechanical engineering "How Things Work" [4]

Here is a way to establish your main idea and then end the first paragraph.

Ever since childhood I have fantasizes about how things work. I tried to understand the mechanics behind how the toys worked and that amazed me a lot. I used to dismantle toys and try to grasp how they work right from that very age. This helped me to build a very analytical perspective that helps me to correctly perceive the things around me. My analytical abilities have recently shown me that I am best suited for a career in mechanical engineering and that the best program for me is XXXXXXX.

(begin paragraph 2)
This desire that motivates me now is rooted in experiences from my past. As my father runs a construction ...

Essays / I want to know something about myself ("cold decent boy") [8]


M. Hanitir, this suggests that what we have done is what makes up who we are -- I think I agree!!

That is a profound observation.

M. Hanitir, I also suggest that you should leave a link to your own essay so that people who see this thread can easily help you.

https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-2/redbud-literature-honors-society-common-app-short-17270/

Prallab, what do you mean by "cold decent boy?" This is interesting!! In English, cold = "cruel and emotionless"

You can show that you are decent by saying, "I want to make my life meaningful by benefiting others."

Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

Uh-oh, did you notice an embarassing mistake I made in this post? Yes, please correct it!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Okay, "Karate Kid" is one more film that confirms my hunch -- movies suck nowadays [2]

Thank you!! I can't believe there is another karate kid movie. I love Jackie Chan, though, and I love the original Karate Kid movies, but it really is getting to be too much now!

The opening of this essay is fun to read. When I start with a long sentence, I like to ease the reader's burden by ending the paragraph quickly... like.. after this:

...along for the cinema experience.
Then I would start para #2 with that next sentence. It helps the reader to fully appreciate the great first sentences.

No, nevermind, I think you were right to include it in the first paragraph. Well, I don't know, you decide.

Just an idea, not important: Now, I decided to actually partake in the experience of watching this time (no comma necessary) so as to prove that I am not just a hater. I did decide to skip the last half hour of the movie, but here is what I could deduce from the other 75%. --- nice...

... let it suffice that whereas before I just thought movies were formulaic/recycled and a way to alleviate boredom for some, now I am very confident that they are even sinister and exploitive of the weak relative power of some groups. --- ha ha well said.

I was going to stop reading essays for the rest of the morning, but then I saw this one by you and had to check it out. Thanks for sharing it! It needed to be said, ha h...

If this is something to be submitted, and not just something you wrote for fun, don't forget to capitalize Chinese.

Essays / The question of whether hard work is the only factor that contributes to a success rather than luck [8]


Pedaling.

The things your feet rest on are called pedals, so English has a verb for it: "to pedal"

Kevin was resting his feet on the pedals, and he was pedaling very slowly because it is hard to pedal a bike while reading a book.

:-)

Scholarship / Ambition to become an oustanding commodity trader (Postgraduate Economics program) [11]


I'm jealous that you said this, when it is something I have been thinking but did not know how to say. I am not talking about this essay particularly, but in general it is important for a writer to not cause the reader to work harder than necessary.

I think that is why Yoda always speaks in short, simple sentences.

Undergraduate / "the joys of being an architect" - My Essay for Columbia University [6]


You have such a great, poetic way of explaining things

Yes, you are right. I probably should not mess with the metaphor.

Like I said, though, I was just expressing the thought that came to mind when I read the intro to the essay. I said, "No it's not!" Like, for example, it might be alright to say the building is alive, but it surely is not true that it's alive IN THE SAME WAY as a woman or man.

Anyway, good point... that's nice of you to stick up for the writer when I am being a villain. :-) Bwahahahahahaha...

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: Internet and communication [3]

I would like to state the benefits of the internet in communication and the difference between the internet and other communicating methods.---- make this sentence the first sentence of paragraph 2. At the end of paragraph one, replace it with a sentence that tells the MAIN IDEA of the whole essay.

Like this:
In modern society, the internet has been perhaps the most outstanding innovation in the field of communication. Some claim that the popularity of the internet will lead to damage to their communication skills. However, in my opinion, the internet is just a different way to communicate. (Add a thesis statement that says clearly the reason why you do not agree with people who say the Internet destroys communication)

I would like to state the benefits of the Internet in communication and the difference between the Internet and other communicating methods. First of all, the ...

THE ABOVE CRITICISM is actually not so important. I just think your thesis statement could be better if it summed up your reasoning. Pretend that some people will only be able to read the last sentence of your first paragraph and will not be able to read the whole essay. End that paragraph with a perfect sentence to make your point. :-)

The conclusion paragraph is all about what will happen in the future: In conclusion, there is no doubt that the application of the Internet will be ... ---- this has nothing to do with the argument you are making. Change that last para to be about the change in communication and the fact that CHANGE is always happening. Change does not = destruction. Know what I mean? Don't waste that last paragraph talking about the future of the Internet. Use it to reinforce your argument.

Research Papers / Applying for a PhD in Child and Adolescent Health and Development [4]


I appreciate that!! Really, when people help each other it does something great for EssayForum. It is what we are trying to accomplish, sort of like that parable about "stone soup." Everybody contributes something and it becomes excellent.

Graduate / Sustainable Energy Systems advanced studies course [3]


Check the school's literature to see how they capitalize this. Maybe it is supposed to be:
...the Sustainable Energy Systems Advanced Studies course in September 2010.

My goal is to ...----> it is my aim to ...
I suggest rephrasing one of these so that you don't repeat that structure, "my XXX is to"

Therefore, a crucial part of my process is to seek deep theoretical knowledge of the technical and social subjects related to this field. e above mentioned field. "above mentioned" is always a sort of weak thing to type. It is repeating something, and it seems like trying too hard to use formal language.

See how much more powerful the essay becomes when you trim away the statement-of-the-obvious:
It is apparent to us all that our world is changing. With climate change and excessive population growth as our major hurdles, we need to overcome these problems on a global scale, and completely change ...

While it nearly a decade has passed since I last exposed myself to academic study, I believe now is the time for me to return. I am more ...

In this last paragraph, maybe you should remove all occurrences of the word "have" so that the verb tense changes to the past tense. For example:

Over the last 9 years I have gained valuable ...
...recession that Europe has ever seen, I have realized that future development and investment needs to focus...
It is always good to remove unnecessary words when you can.

:-) Good luck!! Thanks for saving the planet!

Writing Feedback / History -- A waste of time? 'meaning of a Microprocessor' [2]


You can say this in a way that does not involve mentioning evolution. Evolutionary Theory teaches us what we evolved from. You can say that history about our origins and the various phases we have passed through as a society or species.

Studying history would not just get us acquainted with the beginnings, but, also make us realize the basics. --- very good!!

After all, only the knowledge of basics would help us go further. (not helpful) For instance, I had this subject called Microprocessors which I would found really boring. ...

...Its just towards the end of the book, that i I realized how important were the first few chapters! --- again, very good!! I like the example.

If only the present-day chips were ... would have been aliens alien for me, then!--- great explanation!! Now... as you continue to write, get off the subject of microprocessors and talk about other aspects of history.

:-)

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement- What don't I know? [9]

Yes, this is a good brainstorming session, but it is not good as part of the essay. For example, this part does not make logical sense:

"I don't know" is a phrase that always provides me a broad idea that whenever I say "I don't know", the "I don't know" will always be answered. ---- the phrase does not ensure an answer.

Similarly, all the "I don't knows" that I have for Brown University, there will certainly be answered thoroughly. -------- too simple, meaningless really.

And then... Time is an universal weapon that helps me to figure out ...--- if you want to compare time to a weapon, talk about using it in a fight. If you want to talk about it as something to help you figure something out, compare it to a resource or a ... lesson.

Anyway, I hope you'll write this in a way that shows how fascinated you are about some subjects. Use it as an opportunity to tell exactly what subjects you are excited about learning at Brown.

:-)