Research Papers / Applying for a PhD in Child and Adolescent Health and Development [4]

I have My research interests are characterized by a focus on the health and development of children, adolescents, and women. I am applying for...

My special interests include malaria, ...

In the quest to acquire the required necessary knowledge and ...--- I changed required to necessary because it sounds funny to say "acquire the required"

:-)

... I also worked as a consultant i n other projects ...

They live in huts, are malnourished, do not have access to universal education, and their rights are daily violated daily.--- this is a very good sentence!!

I believe that my participation in a PhD degree program will afford me this opportunity.

This is very impressive. I bet you will have some great success in this very meaningful work. Please stick around and help writers at EssayForum sometimes, when you have time. I'm glad you became a member!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay -Monumental Gifts [7]


The word "plenty" is not the same as many, but the way you use it makes me think you believe it is the same as many. Actually, we use plenty to mean we have more than we need, but we usually do not use it to talk about something we do not want. So, use "many" instead of "plenty" when you talk about bad things.

The answer is, of course, "yes," due to fact that nobody can know future. To give an ...

Owing to fact that any of us could be a disaster victim, we must donate.

What is more, we donate not only money but also our organs, such as, kidneys, livers, etc. Therefore, an ailing person can be cured with the use of our organ donation.


just keep collecting good phrases. You already have a good vocabulary, but read a little every day and memorie one great new way to say something you need to say. You write very well, very clearly, even if there are some errors.

:-)

Undergraduate / "To Be Continued" - personal info considered as part of admission application [5]


This is an intriguing way to start! Use " " marks:
"To be continued." You'll often...

Trim away the excess:
Well That's where I feel like my life...

I think I've been shaped by a lifetime of...

while dragging a dead cow behind me. --- haha, that's clever. Better than a live cow I suppose...

it's safe to say that I'm somewhat of an enigma in my family. --- this is a pretty harsh critique of the family. Sometimes it sounds like kids throw their parents under the bus to seem more impressive, or to make excuses, but so far you do not sound like that.

No... you did a great job. It is enjoyable to read, and it really has some very impressive, eloquent paragraphs.

I would use a set of dashes to manage this big sentence:
I'm getting more and more restless, but finally getting out of here -- putting all of this behind me and having the opportunity to spread my wings at UTD on the way to doing something I'm entirely passionate about -- will fix that.

Great job, just find ways to tri away any excess words, like Mr. Miyagi trimming the bonsai tree.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Term paper about Christ Figure in literature [3]


Above, I made some slight changes and added some parenthesis to help the clarity.

I see that the premise of this paper is to explain the concept of "Christ figures" by showing how it is used in these three works. You did a good job in the introduction!!

I think Julian is right to trim away the part about "God influencing people's lives," because your thesis is about this particular literary technique, not so much about the concept of God itself.

Cool Hand Luke is one of best movies for demonstrating a Christ-figure. Especially This movie shows some of obvious Christ-figure moments . It is hard to get the quote, so it would be replaced as a description of the moment in the movie. (not necessary, and it is not hard to get a quote) When the Luke is going to the box due to rest his soul, it was is challenging to the authority. Another Christ figure moment occurs when he leads ...

The critical scene demonstrating Luke as a Christ figure is when Luke eats fifty-eight eggs to have believers in the prison. In the movie, Luke was struggles to do it. But, it is important for him to succeed and get believers. at there or not. So, he decides to do that, and finally he does do it successfully. His believers are doubtful but bet on him; then it changes to trust, and they become followers (believers).

:-)

Essays / Good thesis statment about the cause/effect on technology [7]

I like this sentence you wrote. I think it makes an acceptable thesis statement. However, some teachers think you should not refer to the essay in the essay. So, you maybe should not say, "This essay will be about..."

You can say something bold and argumentative. Say something some people might disagree with, like this:
Technology has made society better and stronger in every way, because cell phones, iPods, video games, computers, the Internet, and sateillite satellite television all make us more effective in our work.

This is a bold statement. Some people will say, "No, technology makes us lazy," and you must argue with them boldly.

:-)

Research Papers / Finding a new york state law about minors [2]

I am not good at this subject, but as a google around I get a sense that minors need parents to sign waivers for them. That is what I have seen in my experience in Massachusetts, too. Kids need parents to sign waivers.

But even if that is correct, you need a lot more info to make a 10 page paper!

Search your school database for at least 10 cases that involve a minor signing a waivor or some related situation.

I usually write 100 words per paragraph for 3 paragraphs per page.
You can use one source for each paragraph, so find about 20 case examples and/or journal articles, an write a solid paragraph about each. Enjoy it!! Then, write up a nice intro and conclusion to give all paragraphs their common theme.

Writing Feedback / the internet is contributing to the breakdown of family relationship [5]

These days most of people use the Internet. Since the invention of the Internet our lives have been changed forever. However, the Internet has a large impact on society. Most of the changes have been for the best, but there are some bad effects to the internet as well. In this essay, I will discuss among bad effects. Specifically, I will discuss how the Internet is contributing to the breakdown of family relationships.

No need to sa this again here:
Here are some reasons why the internet is contributing to the breakdown of family relationship. According to the news, people typically use to 1 to 4 hours of...

In summary, although the Internet provides pe ople with information, it is also...

:-) keep practicing! Your skill is better than you think it is.

Essays / The question of whether hard work is the only factor that contributes to a success rather than luck [8]

Hi Mabu9669, I think I remember Mabu as the name of a "horse riding" stance in kung fu class. Is that where your username comes from??

The question of whether hard work or luck is the important factor that contributes to success is a very controversial issue, and it is now a matter of considerable public concern. No, it's not a matter of cnsiderable concern, just an interesting philosophical question. Do this:

The question of whether hard work or luck is the important factor that contributes to success is important for students, because they need to know with certainty what will happen if they work hard. From my point of view, luck is the final piece to make your hard work come to success.

Having said that, however, it should also be mentioned that som e people oppose the former arguments; they claim that luck may reverse their life spectacularly. ---good sentence!! Ha ha I like it...

Another good sentence:
In conclusion, while I agree that success can be impossible without hard work, I do not believe it is the only factor guarantee success.

The successful people appreciate luck:
Luck is worthy to of a great deal of appreciation from the public concern. successful people of the world.

:-)

Graduate / Essay on Letter of Motivation for buiness school: the knowledge, confidence [2]

With five years of work experience in two if the world XXXXX industry's best companies -- YYYYYYYY and ZZZZZZZZ (names of companies) -- I acquired a lot of hands-on experience, including ______, ______, and _________. about the way an organisation functions to maintain its standard and strives for betterment. I crossed out some mumbo jumbo that is too vague. Replace it with a list of specific examples.

...formal masters degree from an... (only capitalize if you name the degree (i.e. Masters of Business Admin)

During my professional life I have worked on various _______ (what kind of roles? add an adjective) projects in leadership roles.

...to be more tactful in taking decisions. (add a thoughtful sentence to conclude this paragraph)

Say "the Internet."
During my time with MNO I had the opportunity to understand the huge potential of the Internet to influence the world. Internet has revolutionised the world with... --- too obvious! We all know the Internet revolutionized things.

...live in with freely available information. I am very interested in the way internet can develop the education systems in developing nations. --- Google this: one laptop per child

I think that will interest you.

My long term goal is to start an NGO which will facilitate better education opportunities in these countries by collaborating with developed countries. -- This would be a great thing to make the theme of your essay. Write about it in the intro paragraph a little, because it is so impressive!

Firstly the Internet can...

... help in raising awareness to facilitate better resources to NGOs working for the cause. The Internet has been widely used for ...

:-) Nice!! You will be a big success.

Writing Feedback / Do-Gooders need to let us decide (the three risky behaviors), rough draft [2]

...not be hurt in any way. --- use 2 words "any way" not one word.

I agree with Ed Fulginiti; people will always make their own choices, from the time they are born to the time they will die of old age.

Thesis Statement: I'm going to write about the three risky behaviors that I have exhibited and that I hope my child doesn't repeat. These behaviors demonstrate the fact that people make their own decisions and cannot be told what to d o.

In your intro, tell us what the author means when he says the do gooders should let us decide.

Can you revise your story to show that you are an example of someone who had to learn from mistakes and could not be told what to do by the do-gooders? You must find a good quotation to explain what the author means, and then use your story to demonstrate the truth of the book.

That will enable you to know what the conclusion should say, too. I hope you know what I mean! Let this essay demonstrate what Fulginiti is saying.

Writing Feedback / divorce: Causes and effects on children [11]


Well, really, this is a difficult kind of essay to write. It is a complex type of essay.

About the outline, I know what you mean. I used to do the whole paper first and then make the outline based on it. Even if the teacher recommended big changes after I wrote the whole paper, it was easy to revise and make the necessary changes.

Writing Feedback / I think there is too much violence in movies. [6]

You can't say "the very late of the"

From its origin at the very late end of the 19-th century, the...
or
From its origin at the very late of in the 19-th century, the movie-making process has gone through quite ...

This is a bad place for a pronoun:
Based on it I support the statement that there is too much violence in movies.
Based on observation, I support...
Based on my observation of the harsh imagery used in modern films, I support the...

Capitalize names of films, people, books, organizations, etc.-->The best example is the famous movie "The Patriot", which became after release a bestseller of the season.

After all, human psychology is unstable and liable to various impacts.--- Yes, and that is why we need movies that help us to cope with the harsh realities. Violent films help us deal with difficult emotions, just like imaginative play helps children.

Furthermore, significant increase in violent crimes is observed in society among teenagers and youth people, which are considered to be major film viewers. --- good point!!

But the question that arises is this: Do you support censorship? That is the big question. If you could decide what was allowed in films and what was not, what would you say?

:-) thanks for helping a lot of people today, I saw that you really spent a lot of time helping.

Grammar, Usage / Get in The Right Frame of Mind for Essay Writing [3]

Hi Azeri, nice to see you again!
Stainlus, this is a good question... Azeri seems to be answering from experience. Good advice...

I think there are 2 methods to use:
Get Inspired
or
Be Mechanical.

That philosophical mood you described seems like the inspired method, but if you are not inspired, do this...
Mechanical Method
1.) Think of your simple, one sentence answer to their question. Come up with something great. Turn that sentence into the thesis. Write an intro paragraph that ends with that thesis statement.

2.) Think of 3 supporting sentences that support your thesis. Use those as the topic sentences for paragraphs 2,3, and 4. (Google "topic sentence" to learn all about it)

3.) Turn each topic sentence into a full paragraph by adding a sentence with an explanation, a sentence with an example, and a thoughtful sentence about the significance of what you are saying in this paragraph. ONE PARAGRAPH = ONE IDEA

4.) Write a conclusion paragraph that says the same thing as the intro paragraph, but add "something extra." (the same big idea is expressed in the intro and conclusion. ONE ESSAY = ONE BIG IDEA

:-)
Try this method now to answer my sample question:
Culture is beautiful, but it is also evil, because culture makes us see others as "different" an we sometimes even go to war over culture. Do you agree or disagree? Discuss.

(remember, step one is to dig deep and find your real answer. Express your response beautifully in a single sentence as you begin to write, but put that sentence at the END of the into paragraph.

Graduate / Electronics Engineering: Statement of purpose communication in progress.. [7]


You are welcome.

Your question: What I am trying to do is carve out a theme for your essay. At the start, you mention viewpoints: you can see the whole world with different kinds of viewpoints.

So, I think you should mention viewpoints in the last sentence of the first paragraph and then again in the last paragraph.

By writing about that word at the beginning and end, and perhaps referring to it in the middle, you can make it a memorable theme that the reader enjoys. This is how to create an essay that is about YOU, but it is ALSO about something else: "viewpoints" (i.e. perspective)

So, do you know what I mean about using a word to make a theme? You do not have to choose viewpoints as your theme, but I think it would be cool.

Undergraduate / "Confessions of a poor student" [20]

Thanks Manyanda and Roygbiv. I've been enjoying your threads and look forward to seeing more of your writing. If you have time and want to be more involved in EF, please check out the contributor page sometime!! essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / My academic performance when I was a sophomore.(Not more than 500 words) [8]


This is an important qustion. When should I use "the"?!!

When you say I ranked first, it is like saying I performed best, or I scored highest. You can say I scored the highest, or I performed the best, but the word "the" is awkward here.

So, in this case, get rid of the word the.

However, sometimes modern people -- especially bilingual people, use the in the wrong places. I think it is okay! The world is globalizing, and language is changing faster than ever. Language has always been changing, and now that people of various cultures are coming together, it will change even more. So, keep practicing to learn what sounds awkward, but proceed with confidence, because your way is clear and impressive even if you misuse "the" sometimes. :-)

...my final form six National Exam year 2010, I ranked the Second Best student second nationally with an average of A.

When you say, "I ranked second," the reader understands that you mean second best.

Undergraduate / My academic performance when I was a sophomore.(Not more than 500 words) [8]

This is impressive, but it is just a list of things. You should use the first sentence to present a THEME.
Then, write the other sentences in a way that upholds your theme.

eOn th year In 2008, I joined Kibaha High School, a learning institution for academically talented students after excellent performance in my CSEE National Exams. At Kibaha, I ranked the first in our class two consecutive terms with an avarage of A.I ranked the first in our school in the Mock Exams with an avarage of B+.At our Pre-National Exams I ranked the first in our school with an avarage of A.At my final form six National Exam year 2010,I ranked the Second Best student Nationaly with avarage of A.Also I ranked the first in Advanced Maths with a 91% mark.

avarage average

I love it! Your achievements are great. So, add a sentence to the beginning and give a theme. "First." I have been working hard to increase my opportunities, and my strategy has been to collect as many "firsts" as possible. In 2008, I joined Kibaha High School, a learning institution for academically talented students after excellent performance in my CSEE National Exams. At Kibaha, I ranked the first in our...

If you establish a theme of "firsts" the reader will really enjoy it more.

:-)

Writing Feedback / three battles significant in evoving canada as an independant country [6]

You have to use some punctuation to manage this complex intro sentence:
The capture of Vimy Ridge, a key location that ensured a visible position overlooking the Douai plan (Cook,141), is was a significant battle that boosted the development of Canada as an independent country. --- I used commas, but you could also use a dash.

I also changed is to was.

Oh, I just noticed the post with the intro. This is a great intro, very good structure.

It would be nice if there was a unique theme instead of just telling that battles are historically significant because it is always interesting when someone makes up a new concept. If you get inspired, revise the intro to really say something unique and complex.

The conclusion should reinforce the main idea or add something to it. You do not have a very complex main idea. The main idea is that battles are historically significant. Your conclusion paragraph could be about how disturbing it is that human history is made through battle. You could briefly talk about the numbers of deaths and leave the reader thinking about how strange it is that nations form as the results of battles.

Writing Feedback / The College Experience: Exemplification Essay On College Life [2]

Some believe a 5 hour energy will do-- this will confuse some people. It is a proper noun, so capitalize it, and make it clear.
Some believe a 5-Hour Energy Drink will do...

Some believe a 5 hour energy will do the trick, while others think thatmaybe if they can stay up 36 hours on end and complete an assignment, one that they've known about for a mere three weeks, running on only caffeine and sugar, that they will successfully make it through four years of college. --- wow, this was a tough sentence!

The stress of college puts many pressures on one who has just recently entered adulthood, and _______ (connect this to the ideas you presented in the first few sentences). As much as our parents and high school teachers like to think they have prepared us for what is ahead, the truth is, there is only one way to learn, and that is by experience. ...

Look for places to say what needs to be said without using as many words.

I think this is stronger without personally:
Personally I remember sitting down and staring at my course catalog for about an hour before I began to comprehend what I needed to do prior to even enrolling. (say this in a clever, possibly comical way, and do not use the fact that you spent an hour to make your point.)

like...

Your essay's main idea is not as clear as it could be, partially because of those long, confusing sentences in paragraph one. Add a short sentence to the end of paragraph one to "sharpen" your thesis.

:-)

Scholarship / A RURAL WOMAN SCIENTIST: international scholarship [10]


Yes, it is great to have a memorable theme and to have a particular prof you want to study with.

This was exactly the exact moment when my love of insects was born.

I think your story will impress the judges. People are always impressed when someone overcomes difficult circumstances to achieve personal goals.

I looked at the essay again, and now I think you should remove this sentence and replace it with a sentence that tells exactly what you want to do or exactly why you want to pursue this dream.

Research Papers / BARRON'S TOEFL IBT BOOK "advantages vs disadvantages of studying aboard" [5]

Studying aboard abroad is a good chance for a person to discover himself deeply. In my view,I will challenge myself in various ways to adapt to circumstances in this experience.

For example, the first disadvantage I think about is the culture shock that I'll face. ---- good sentence!

One word, not two: moreover and furthermore
Moreover , I'll need time to understand and speak a language which is totally different from my mother tongue. Furthermore, the feeling of missing people and places back home may adversely impact my grades in study and that will for sure surely frustrate me. On the other hand, I will get so much many advantages from studying aboard. For instance, I'll graduate from an internationally accredited institution and ...

Use a spell checker! :-)

Therefore, I'll become satisfied by daring myself to face what I am afraid of. In conclusion, studying aboard abroad has many more advantages than disadvantages.

:-)

Speeches / Graduation Speech: "Congratulations everyone - very much appreciated" [7]

That's great! Well the success is all yours, because it was already a great, lively speech when you first posted it here, before we made any suggestions. I'm glad I got to participate in the process!

Writing Feedback / Some students prefer to study alone - TOEFL Question [9]

Yes, I think it is compatible with the conclusion, because in both places you talk about developing your personality.

You might want to add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that explains this:
Studying alone builds my personality, because __________.

Studying alone helps us to focus more in on our lessons. For instance, I am a ...

You did not make a mistake here, but I want to suggest something:
Also, it motivates us to be accurate in our work in the future. Personally, when I fix my study plan and successfully carry it out in the time I designated for it, it improves prepares me to apply time management and organizational skills in the future to become more precise and careful.

needs requires
Success requires us to work hard and sacrifice more whether we choose to study alone or with group.

Writing Feedback / childrens eating habits nowadays are different from previous generation [2]

Nowadays, children's eating habits lead them to heath deterioration.I entirely agree with this view and believe that this alarming situation has come about for several reasons:

Let's make this all one big paragraph. It is the paragraph full of all the reasons.
Firstly, there is a disturbing increase in the amount of processed foods that children eat at home or in school, with no fresh fruits and vegetables like the ones eaten by previous generations. Secondly, there are more young people who prefer to eat in fast-food restaurants which is harmless occasionally but not everyday. What they eat there is extremely high in fat, salt and sugar, all of which can be damaging to their health. (good sentence!!) There is also a disturbing amount lack of exercise they get . Instead of playing outdoor games with friends, some children prefer to stay at home, watching television, playing computer games or surfing thru the net. They no longer take part in doing outside activities. The situation also becomes worse because only few even get exercise in on the way to and from school, as most of them go with their parents' cars rather than walking or bicycling .

To sum up, though there are some instances that we can't avoid, but it is better that parents should teach their children and give them the right kind of food. In this way, we can lessen the number of people leading unhealthy lifestyles and help prevent the devastating effects of bad decisions about nutrition and health.

Writing Feedback / The main function of university [3]

Use capital letters to start each sentence:

Some people think that university should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the work place. Others think that the true function of university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.

What in your opinion should be the main function of university?

Okay, I see that the essay starts below:
There is no denying that the main function of university is a debatable issue these days .However, some people are beginning to question whether or not the purpose of university is, in fact, preparing students with skills needed in their careers. or not . what is the main purpose of university?

You have good topic sentences! The first sentence of each paragraph is called a topic sentence, and it tells the main idea of the paragraph. Your topic sentences are good! Use capital letters, though, to start each sentence!!

It is obvious that the university should be oriented to improve individuals' skills because the people who are enrolled university want to study in depth in specific fileds .

To sum up, I would like to point out that, to my mind, the target of university should be to supply the graduates with knowledge and also improve their skills. Skill training would be insufficient without appreciation of knowledge for its own sake, and knowledge for its own sake would be insufficient without skill training.

Undergraduate / Do you believe in fate: UF Admission essay! [5]


That's funny...

:-)

It was my first cruise and I was thrilled, yet at the same time kind of nervous. (Right after this sentence, add a thesis statement that tells the main idea of the whole essay. Then, end the first paragraph. Start paragraph 2:

Once on the massive ship there are certain excursions you can book for each port. I wanted...

When you add that thesis statement, make it a statement about "affect your college experience or your contribution." I agree with Charz; it is important to focus on one of the ideas they mentioned. So, use a theme of responsibility or a call to service! :-) You can write about how you have a responsibility to motivate others to work hard and make the most of the courses, and your solid interest in this subject burdens you with a responsibility to be a leader among your peers in this field of study.

Use paragraphs!! One paragraph = one idea
One essay = one big idea made up of smaller ideas

:-)

Undergraduate / "If honored to count myself among a future Peace Corps members" -Peace Corp Essay [2]

You write very well! We are lucky to have people like you who are wicked smart and also committed to service.

When I was first presented exposed to this ideology, I thought that it was admirable...

The thing to do is read the Friedman article and then acknowledge this way of thinking in your essay. After you acknowledge that business is meaningful on its own, you can reaffirm that you desire something more dynamic: an active approach to doing good is what appeals to you, and the Peace Corp is the epitome of this ideal.

Use a comma to separate the two halves of a compound sentence:
To "do good" is what people should strive to accomplish, and the Peace Corps represents an opportunity to fulfill such a goal.

Research Papers / Thesis statment for globalization Issues [5]

Google this:
how to write good research questions

The prof wants you to come up with a question that you will try to answer by using research. So, if you are going to write about the ways people benefited from globalization, you could write this:

What are the ways people in [name of country] are benefited by globalization?

You can also ask,
Which kinds of people in [name of country] benefit from globalization?

I hope that helps you! It is important for you to google around and understand what a good research question is.

Undergraduate / Growing up who was my childhood Hero (My Uncle) [6]

Use a colon:
As for myself I can think of one person who I always thought about as being my childhood hero: My uncle, Manue. He had great personal traits that made him my childhood hero.

Use a hyphen:
family-oriented

Add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. It is short, so you have room to add a POWERFUL thesis statement. Try to tell the main message of the essay in a SINGLE sentence, and tack it onto the end of that first para.

Use a comma:
"Family comes first," were my uncle's...

When he had his first child he was ecstatic that he had become a father.--- very good sentence!! You have great writing skills, despite sme small errors.

:-)

...were always clean and immaculate. --- it is redundant to say clean and immaculate.

Undergraduate / "Confessions of a poor student" [20]

This thing is weirdly powerful. The writing lacks sophistication because it has no paragraphs, so you really need to divide it into three short paragraphs, but...

It really succeeds in connecting with the reader! It's really nice. End the first paragraph after this sentence:

This didn't happen; instead I was miserable which caused my grades to suffer. (Add a sentence that says something about how you made a mistake when you pretended to be interested in biology, and that you had fooled your parents into thinking you really wanted to pursue medicine. This will show that you take responsibility for your mediocre GPA instead of blaming the parents.)

Then, start paragraph 2:
During the time I spent suffering in a premed program, computers interested me, so I took...

Then, start paragraph 3 with this:
Please don't view...

:-)

Writing Feedback / divorce: Causes and effects on children [11]

Oh, I'm sorry my previous post was not based on the essay, just the questions about the outline.

Hangout is a noun. Hang out (as 2 words) is correct:
...allowing them plenty of time to possibly hang out with the "bad influences" of the world.

There are more unmarried people living together; they do not want to get married because they are afraid of repeating their parents' story or they just think that marriage is not important.

This rate is so high due to several reasons that lead people to divorce and this result affects the children involved because they suffer the loss of a parent which may cause psychological and sociological problems. --- this does express your main idea quite well, but it is complicated. It is not your fault. This kind of essay is always complicated. I think you should add one more sentence to clarify:

This rate is so high due to several reasons that lead people to divorce, and this result affects the children involved because they suffer the loss of a parent. which may cause psychological and sociological problems. Thus, the factors that cause high rates of divorce ultimately lead to psychological and sociological problems among children.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Focus on creative expression should be given importance or not ? [5]

In academic writing, you never have to say said that ,"blah blah...."
William Shakespeare once said, that "An objective of...
Just leave out the word that.
Kevin said that , "You never have to type the word that before a quotation."

Put the punctuation inside the " " mark:
...life a shape."
But if you ever use a citation, put the period outside the parentheses:
...life a shape" (Shakespeare, p. 4).

Writers always check to see if every sentence has a verb.
In the above sentence, the verb is "check." Can you find a verb in the sentence below?
Not only this, my other friend who was very good dancer in school.
The only verb is "was" but it is used to describe the person, so it is acting like an adjective! "my friend who was"...

The way to fix that sentence is to take out "who."
Not only this, my other friend was very good dancer in school.
Now the word "was" is acting like a verb instead of like an adjective.

I wonder if that explanation makes sense to you! Do you know what I mean?

Here is one more correction:
In a nutshell, any type of work whether creative expression or analytical work requires a person to have the ability to do that job as well as interest in it.

:-)

Speeches / A 3-minute speech about Myself [8]

It sounds like you are having trouble because you do not know enough English yet. English is a hard language to learn! I hope we can help you...

I like Theresa's ideas. Are you able to understand what she means? I'll give you some sentence starters.

I am a boy with a lot of faith in God.
I am a student who enjoys _______________.
I come from a family that has ______________ .
I have visited several places, including ___________, __________, and __________.
My plans for the future include _________________.
In recent months, I especially enjoy ____________.

Try to complete those sentences as a way of getting started.

I'm glad you are participating here!

Writing Feedback / IELTS taks 2 essay: computer has negative effects to children [6]


Well, the thesis statement should answer in a single sentence the question that the essay is trying to answer.

So, at the end of the first paragraph, use a sentence like that. If you had to tell me the whole essay in one sentence, what would that sentence be? Put it at the end of the first paragraph.

Then, in the body paragraphs, you can explain several reasons. The change I would make is like this:

In my opinion, the latter position is more correct, because of harm to the eyes, deterioration of communication skills, and children's tendency to use the computer for purposes not related to learning.

That way, the three body paragraphs will correspond to the three parts of the thesis.

Grammar, Usage / To get correction of these sentences [11]

Affinity usually refers to a kind of relationship. It means to like something, but it usually means to feel a kind of connection. I think it is not the best word to use here.

"Please excuse my tendency to use such risqué language. towards you ."

Is "towards you" really necessary?
Please excuse my tendency to use such risqué language when speaking with you.

I hope that helps!!

:-)

Graduate / Electronics Engineering: Statement of purpose communication in progress.. [7]

I think the first sentence is more complicated than necessary...
I think you should do a good ob of capturing the intended meaning of the quote -- perhaps in a single sentence, and then follow it up with your unique insight:

Another insight I gained from this quote not the actual meaning is that when you look into a mirror it only shows your own perception of view for things, but that if you make the mirror into a window (no need for a semi-colon here) you can see the whole world with different kind of viewpoints.

This quote drives me towards acquiring the necessary educational and technical qualifications at Global Educational level.--- You say this, and in order to substantiate it you should use the word "viewpoints" again in the last sentence of the first paragraph.

You should use "and" instead of &

I think you should refer again to "viewpoints" and the quote in the last paragraph of the essay. I think you should also tell how this quote, and the act of taking many viewpoints, is somehow significant to a specific, detailed plan that you have for the next few years. Thus, I think this theme should be maintained in almost every paragraph. The trick is to write about the way that the truth of this quotation applies to each aspect of your education and plan for the future. That will make the essay meanngful and memorable. You already write very well!

:-)

Dissertations / PhD Topic Efficiency and Productivity of Out Patient Departments [9]


Well, this topic might be a good one to approach with a case study design. You have to conduct some research, right? The thing to do is use the school's dissertation guidelines while you put the thing together. Look at what they require.

Do they tell you to create a proposal first? This will be time consuming, but it is something you can definitely accomplish if you just look at the other articles that have been written recently by people tackling the same topic as you.

I would like to give you 2 small assignments that will help you:
1.) Google this: "research design" case study "mixed method"
That will help you to prepare for seeing if a mixed methods case study approach will be a good one to use.
2.) Read five articles with case studies used for hospital research, and write a little paragraph about each article. This will be useful later whe you write your literature review.

If you do those 2 things, it will help you to get started! :-)

Writing Feedback / divorce: Causes and effects on children [11]

Well, it's so hard to make an outline first and then write the essay based on the outline. It's like setting yourself up to do a scavenger hunt for specific pieces of information.

The better way is to explore. Explore databases and read articles, and see where they fit into the essay. Do it as though you are putting together a puzzle.

I see that the deadline passed, though! I bet you did a great job.

Writing Feedback / Computers affect society - CLEP English Comp Practice [3]

This is a compound sentence that needs a comma:
Many things have changed over the years , but one thing has drastically changed the way society functions are computers.

Computers have made things simpler and more effective. Computers have helped people in many ways like pertaining to where they work, who they stay in touch with, and how they learn.

Here is another compound sentence:
In modern society we still use ideas like the assembly line,but instead of people doing most of the work in some cases computers tell machines what to do.

People argue that this leads to unemployment, but actually it leads to more opportunities for people to work in other areas of the economy.

Capitalize Internet, and capitalize Google:
Also the Internet has lead to a learning revolution. The Internet has made all kinds of information available right at your fingertips. Before the computer people had to use the library to learn sites like Google have made it even easier to access information.

The computer has enabled society to progress to the state it is in today; without it simple things would be much harder. With computers we have progressed in our methods associated with how we work, stay connected, and learn.

Nice! Your mistakes are not big mistakes -- the meaning is very clear. :-)

Essays / Living at home and living away from home [15]


When I see this part, it makes me think about the way a chain essay can start at any point. It all depends on what you want to show leading to what. The intro should tell about the various parts that are linked in the chain. You could start with women's changing roles, and show that it leads to a rise in the diorce rate, which leads to juvenile delinquency.

You can just outline the links of the chain in that first paragraph. Or, if you are talking about a chain with more than 4 or 5 links, you can just talk about the first and the last and explain that the essay will show that the first leads to the last.

This might get difficult if you have several outcomes for each link of the chain. For example, you have multiple psychological problems resulting from children being in single parent homes. Make sure that you show that these problems represent one stage in the chain of events; they can all be in the same paragraph.

:-)