Undergraduate / Appeal essay for pharm (NUS) [4]

Thanks Mackenzie, you are awesome.

Here is one more improvement to make:
Ever since I was introduced to the world of chemistry and biology, mine has been to become a pharmacist.

Scholarship / "My father's death wish", scholarship essay: Most challenging inicident of my life [2]

I am so grateful for the work name-here had been doing. This time, particularly, you saved me a lot of time. Name_here, I hope you become a contributor at EF so you can put it on your resume and applications. Let people see the great work you do here...

Jensy, let's see a new draft with all these corrections, and I will try to find more ways to help you improve your writing.

Notice little changes, like in the first line name-here indicate a place where an s needed to be taken away: Some incidents in life make you...

When you make a new draft, it will help you learn from your errors...

Research Papers / School bullying has serious negative effects. [5]

Use a semi-colon here:
School bullying is a widespread issue that affects youths seriously in three essential parts of their lives: educationally, psychologically and professionally.
Children are not professionals, not usually.. seems strange to say they are affected professionally.

In stark contrast to others who believe that students could pass the bullying situation
and its consequences if they work beside their teachers or friends to support the
victims and help them to outcome the aggression peers --- what does this sentence mean? Can you rewrite it to help me understand what you are trying to say?

The word positive does not belong here:
Positive Victims who sometimes enroll in supportive programs that assist them in rebuilding their self-regulation and enhance the ability to overcome their problems by using interventions in different domains of their lives.

Dissertations / Need help in selecting a Ph.D. topic in Human Research Management [4]

Hi, I hope someone more knowledgeable than me will see this question and answer it:

Please advise some reputed universities both in India and abroad whose Ph.d. would be recognized for jobs in India.

I don't know the answer to that, but maybe other people do. The best way is to do an experiment. Go inquire about obs and ask what the impressive institutions are. Interview the interviewers.

As for the topics, I can't choose for you. They are all important. I could tell you what I would like to write:


That is what I would choose, but maybe you are interested in something else.

If you keep reading recent articles written by others in your field, the correct topic will suddenly become obious to you. You will say, "Hey! Someone really should conduct a "mixed methods" study, using interviews and questionnaires, to generate theory about the perspectives of rural and semi-urban youth in India about employment in the [name of industry] industry."

You MUST learn about research methods, and you must read lots of the current literature about the topic you choose.

Start with #7 on your list, and search a database of articles so you can find great research studies. Learn fro their examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: INFLUENCE OF LARGE FACTORY [3]

The main disadvantage is contamination. It is true that some areas are suffering the dire consequences caused by overdeveloping the industry, such as water pollution, overcrowded traffic and medical problems. --- good sentence!!

large proportion ----> is
For instance, in some industrial cities a large proportion of the workers are is suffering various breathing problems, such as ...--- it sounds funny this way, but proportion is singular, so you need "is" instead of "are."

In conclusion, installation of manufacturing plants is a trend of industrialization for many countries. Its advantages will outweigh disadvantages as long as the factories dispose their waste and pollution in the correct way.--- nice ending!

Undergraduate / Advertising major: Finally decided what to be when I grow up [4]

Hi Bob, I'm glad you are participating here! Didn't Quinsig get your official transcript when you enrolled? If so, they can verify it.

How weird that the high school lost the diploma. Well, just go find out when GED tests are given at Quinsig, ha ha... how weird. But really, it is unacceptable for a school to lose their records of your graduation. I think you will be able to fnd records of your middle school and primary school, and the guidance counselor remembers you, so, what the heck. It seems that you might be overwhelmed with all that is required, but just get up early and do it... whenever you wake up feeling patient enough to make a lot of calls... this sort of thing is the worst.

Congrats for that excellent GPA...

As you start to write your admissions essay, share with the reader your detailed plan for the future, and show that this art school in worcester is central to your plan as you envision it. Name some prof's you'd like to learn from and some school organizations you are getting involved with. Go get involved with some clubs at the school now, and write about them in the essay. Make the reader feel a sense of responsibility to help you carry out your CLEARLY envisioned, detailed plan.

Speeches / Speaking Topic: Transformers, a movie that has made a strong impression on you [4]

I want to shorten this sentence:
I guess I could begin by saying something about which the movie was, and I think I would have to choose: Transformers - the blockbuster from DreamWorks -- is a tremendous fighting action performance.

Hey, Brandy did a great job...thanks Brandy! You are great!!

The epic battles between Autobots and the U.S. army against Decepeticons in the city included improbable jumps and flights were perfectly conjured.

I think you should add a few sentences to conclude and clarify your main idea.

Think about what your main idea is, and express it clearly in that first paragraph.

:-)

Speeches / Speech about Education - For graduation (education, life experience, learning) [2]

I'm grateful to have served as --- doesn't make sense to be grateful to have served...
I'm grateful for having been allowed to serve as...

This fall, I will be attending the University of California at Santa Barbara. If you want to have a chance of being chosen, get rid of this out-of-place sentence and write one that expresses a CLEAR THEME for this speech.

End that first paragraph with a sentence that expresses a powerful idea. Make it so that I could ask the reader, "What is this speech about?" and the reader would not have to think about the answer. You mention Obama, whose campaign was based on the idea of "change." What is your campaign based on?

:-)

Poetry / Letter to a girl (need help with articulation) [6]

Hi, I agree that it is too wordy.

I see that this is all about the "physical" relationship. So, this seems like you are saying you wish you could have sex with her but that you will still be her friend if she decides she does not want to do that. So, is that what you are trying to say?

I want to make sure it is what you men, because if you have a language barrier you might be trying to say you want a romantic relationship, which is a little different. So, you might want to do this:

All in all Jessica, I feel for the first time that I found someone who could be my partner in a meaningful relationship -- one that is more than just friendship. express fervent emotion and affection to more than verbally. I would like to try to overcome any obstacles disallowing any physical a romantic relationship, but I have the utmost respect for your choices. You are one of my best friends. notwithstanding .

Notice that I also chopped off the word notwithstanding. That is a big fat ugly word.

Good luck with your girlfriend!

Graduate / Perseverance, survival and cross-cultural sharing + Girl rescure - MBA Admissions [8]


Don't be sorry, that is what EF is made of!

I think you should add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. Make it the most powerful, meaningful sentence in the whole essay. Add it right after that part about seeing Detroit... make this sentence, which you add to the end of the first paragraph, be the THESIS statement for the essay. Make it a sentence that perfectly expresses the idea you want the reader to remember.

The punctuation is wrong here:
My Indian accent was a barrier in communication. At banks, the housing office, food courts - I struggled everywhere...

Use hyphens here:
and these less-than-ideal circumstances, I started...

hey, just like I asked you to ad an additonal sentence to the end of the first paragraph, I think you should add a DIFFERENT VERSION OF THE SAME SENTENCE to the end of the last paragraph.

Undergraduate / Describe a situation taken from school, business, civil or military life. [4]

That's okay!! And you're welcome

Graduate / MBA Career Goals Essay: Transportation Engineer (Civil Service, Government) [10]

Hi Niladri,

I moved your other essay to it's own thread. Just click "my threads" to find it.

:-)

Undergraduate / What skills do you expect to gain from studying at INSEAD [3]

Use a semi-colon or it will be a kind of run on sentence called a "comma splice"
This is not a fantasy; this is my career vision. (right here, end the first paragraph and start paragraph 2)

I think it'll be great to end the paragraph right there, a great way to lead the reader's attention.

Wow, I love it. This is the kind of essay that seems most impressive... one that PROVES that yo have a clear plan. MOST KIDS CAN'T DO THAT!! So, it is impressive.

As I graduate, I will join the multicolor, close-knit and vast family of almost 40,000 Insead alumni, with whom I will share a professional and personal bond for life.---- awesome sentence!! But is INSEAD an acronym I think all letters should be capitalized, right?

This is a great essay, and you will definitely impress the reader...

Undergraduate / My Essay For Admissions [ THE ART INSTITUTE OF CHARLOTTE ] [3]

As a child I have always had this passion for the study o fashion and hairdressing. As a Hillside High School student, I was able to attain my Cosmetology License. Along the way I learned that I could also strive to become that Fashion Stylist, Fashion Merchandiser and Fashion Event Planner I've always dreamt of being.

It was not until the end of my sophomore year that I learned about The Art Institute, and its offers diverse set of resources and programs. Going to The Art Institute of Charlotte (no comma necessary here) seems to be my ticket OUT of the doors of TRAGEDY and into the doors of good fortune. --- you have not said anything about a tragedy. What do you mean? I think you should use this sentence to start a new paragraph and really explain what you mean about tragedy and good fortune.

No need for " " marks with friends here:
Sacrificing will not be a problem for me, because friends should understand that not only does education and career must be taken seriously.

I am aware that it will be important for me to surround myself in activities that is are encouraging to my passion for fashion.

Cool!! Keep on studying other art, too. When you understand one kind of art, you understand something about them all! fashion is a great art form to use as the basis for a career. You can earn a lot of money and accomplish great, meaningful things! I'm excited for you... Keep on reading and writing to practice. You have errors, but they are not bad errors.

Undergraduate / "I work harder for me and only me" - Michigan State University [19]


In the time it takes you to say that, you could show her how to correct one of the errors.


Well, I am not sure if you even want to enter the field of medicine? you make it sound as though that is your parents' idea, but I am not sure if you have made a decision about what YOU want. You can be a physician, and you can also do other things. You can practice any kind of medicine that appeals to you, working with kids, senior citizens, minority groups, families... mental health or physical health, acupuncture, ayurveda, physical therapy, or dentistry... make a plan, and know that you can change it at any time. But make that plan and follow it along...

Tell the reader about the plan you have come up with, and that will add great MEANING to the essay.

Undergraduate / "the joys of being an architect" - My Essay for Columbia University [6]


No it's not!
I'm not trying to be a jerk, just letting you know the first thought that came to mind for me was that it most certainly is not alive in the same way as men and women.

It has the capacity to have as much integrity and personality as any human on earth. --- again, I tend to disagree. I am sort of a humanist, I suppose, and I feel like humanity can't be reduced to the level of a structure.

I have an idea. You can talk about the way a building reflects the complexity of the human spirit. That way, architecture, like all art, is presented with certain sacredness because of its ability to reflect human creativity -- but we do not put the art on the same level as the artist. The art is the art, and the artist is the artist.

:-)

Graduate / sop for phd materials and ores engineering [3]

Hello friend, what is the problem? Are you having trouble because your English is not very strong yet?

I think you want help with a statement of purpose, but I don't know what your purpose is for choosing this program. What is your plan?

Even though it is hard to write in English, try to tell us about your plan so we can help you write the SOP. What do you hope to be doing in 5 years?

Essays / The long term impact of our current recession on the average family? - Writing Question [6]

The important thing is to look into the word recession. This is the key word in their instructions. If you start with wikipedia and then move to more sophisticated sources, you'll become an expert. The difference between you and an expert is only a few articles away! So... read, read, read.

Most kids would just try to write some vague essay with the word recession, even though they have only a superficial understanding of it. You should spend time to ENJOY reading about it and what people are saying about it. Read 5 articles and tell me what you find out! what kind of recession is this? There is a lot of info available to help you understand and discuss it.

:-)

Undergraduate / appeal into faculty of arts and social science [3]

I often repeat this same advice, because it's what I think it most effective:

Come up with a detailed plan for your future... the next 5 to 10 years. Tell them the details of your creative plan and how this school's program and particular professors are crucial parts of the plan as you envision it.

This is not insincere, not if you coe up with a (tentative) plan and really go into detail about it. Most people have trouble doing this. It won't be easy, but you need to make a clear plan for the future. They will be able to know, by reading what you write, how much thought you have put into it.

So... stay up all night and make a great plan!

Speeches / Graduation Speech: "Congratulations everyone - very much appreciated" [7]

I love the intro! I'm sorry EF Susan did not respond yet, she will soon, I'll ask her to take another look.

Well, six dresses, three dances, and one spot on prom court and four years later, here I am giving a speech at graduation. ( I think it would be better without that confusing part about a spot on the prom court. You can mention it later in the essay instead.

Best high school in town? That seems like a joke, but I'm not sure if you are kidding. Where I grew up, there was only one high school in town.

When you say this, "our school is not as bad as some make it out to be." I think you shoul immediately give some examples of unfair criticism and, more importantly, some examples of things (and people) that make is an excellent school in some ways. Got to give examples...

The Dr. Seuss stuff at the end is cool, too. They are smart to let you do this speech. Thanks for sharing it here with us. I have another Dr. Seuss quote for you:

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

Undergraduate / Describe a situation taken from school, business, civil or military life. [4]

Hi! I had to start a new thread. When you write anew essay, please start a new thread!

:-)

Excited at about this opportunity, I shared my knowledge and expertise with this undergraduate student and explained to him my expectations. Unfortunately, he ...

Stressed by the need to meet deadlines and exasperated by his insincere and careless attitude, I rushed to get him out of my hair. ---- good sentence!!

...I realized that a more diplomatic and patient approach could have been more appropriate. --- well, 6 months is a long time! I think you did all you could do.

This is an impressive essay!

Essays / How Do i write an academic essay (I write like a journalist..) [4]

This is an awful way to answer. Obviously the effort to determine what is required is underway, and it is taking place here in this thread. "Evaluating whether you can" goes without saying, and so does "writing it if you are able to." You have a lot of good advice to give about how to write a good academic essay, so give a little!

Writing Feedback / Income gap is necessary to sustain a society to run dynamically; sports professionals earn big money [4]

Mustafa, don't you think it's important to help people in different ways depending on their level of skill with English? If I had to analyze this prompt in Spanish, for example, I could do it a little, but it would be very superficial. I would not want someone to tell me it was terrible. Of course it would be terrible, because I am still trying to learn Spanish!

Essays / Living at home and living away from home [15]

Divorce rates can be a good topic with chain organization. Write about a process that leads to some ultimate consequence.

Like this:
Marriage is an institution that has been oppressive to women since times long before the gender equality movement. The traditional family values that limit women's potential to achieve their dreams makes the divorce rate rise...

Paragraph 2:
A rising divorce rate causes many students to grow up in a single parent home.

Paragraph 3: Growing up in a single parent home causes...

And so on...

:-)

Writing Feedback / How should I describe all types of graphs,diagrams or charts? [8]

Well, it is not your fault... it's hard to write in an interesting way about a graph!!!

The main topic of the graph and table is society and social issues. They show the people found guilty or cautioned in 2000 as a percentage of a population by gender and age, in England and Wales. (add a sentence that tells a THEME that comes to mind for you.. an observation you make about the graph. What does it tell you about human nature or about these societies?

As it can be seen from the graph, the number of the 18-year-old male offenders reached a peak of over 7 percent of all, wh ile the number of the 20-year-old females found guilty or cautioned had the highest level of approximately 2 percent, which means...

I see that yo just list the facts told on the graph, but I think you should do something more. Write an introduction paragraph that tells about that THEME, but then write 2 or 3 body paragraphs, and make each body paragraph about one IDEA that supports your THEME. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence that tells the paragraph's idea:

One general observation that can be made is that males commit more crimes than females. As can be seen from the graph the number of the 18-year-old male ...less than the percentage of male offenders.

(end of body paragraph 1, start body paragraph 2)

:-)

Graduate / Perseverance, survival and cross-cultural sharing + Girl rescure - MBA Admissions [8]

I don't agree with anything Mutafa said. Kidnapping is a noun form of a verb, a gerund. Despite is used correctly. Background information is not necessarily necessary, depending on the number of words the writer is allowed to use. That reference to "garbage" is unfounded.

...the U.S. Air Force, an aerial survey over the Taliban-held Salang Mountains. My intense experience ...

Despite the devastation and lawlessness, I experienced a new culture and tradition that I will cherish forever. --- this is an excellent sentence!


Cross--cultural sharing is a good term. It refers to the opposite of the isolationism and suspicion that keep cultures divided. About perseverance... I think it is alright to say you learned perseverance. When people say they learned perseverance, it means they had experiences that gave them insight into the way to persevere despite adversity.

I think these two paragraphs are impressive both in the content and in the style of writing.

My experience of culture shock began on the day I arrived in the United States. Coming from a developing country, I nurtured the great American dream in my mind. However, seeing the slums of Detroit on the very first day was a serious setback to those dreams. --- wow, ha ha, this is intriguing for someone like me, who grew up in America and tried to imagine the disillusionment people feel when this nation does not live up to their expectations...

The shock continued for several months (no comma necessary here) as I tried to get adjusted to this new society. My Indian accent was...

This part about culture shock is well-written, with eloquent sentences, but it can be better if you focus more on the "cultural" differences... lack of transportation does not fit, nor does lack of time or money. Write about cultural differences.

:-)

Undergraduate / Multinational student body / national diversification - personal statement [5]

"Another reason to seek admission is the university's multinational student body. That is very important to me, because I am a representative of a foreign nation myself. "

I added a coma after "me," but this is a nice way to say it.

This one is a run on sentence:
"Another reason to seek admission here is the national diversification of the student population, this will make me feel more comfortable on campus since I am a representative of a foreign nation myself."

Also, diversification is a process, so that is the wrong word. Diversity is the noun that refers to a state of being diverse.

The best way, though, is to make this simple point in a few words, so that it does not tax the reader's attention and waste space, and also express yourself a little at the same time:

Also, I desire an environment full of cultural diversity -- so that we international students will be in the majority!

:-)

Undergraduate / How to write an appeal for Science course NUS? [5]

The important thing to do is follow their instructions. If they provide guidelines for writing the appeal, follow them.

If not, then you should try to find out as much as you can about what makes appeals successful at this school.

My idea for this kind of thing is that you should acknowledge your shortcomings briefly, but then spend a lot of time describing your DETAILED plan for the next 5 years, or maybe 10 years. If you show them that you think about the future and that you are determined to make a meaningful contribution to science, then they will WANT to enable you to proceed with your mission.

Let's see some sentences, and we'll help!!

:-)

Book Reports / Romeo and Juliet were NOT in love but simply rebellious teens - Opening Statement [5]

This is tough. Well, the opening statement should grab the reader's attention. The best thing to do is write a list of points you will make in the essay -- examples, quotes, and other evidence to support your argument. When you know just what you want to say, you can confidently write a good "hook" sentence to begin the essay.

Say something ambiguous and philosophical, like, "Sometimes the most passionate love is actually a very superficial kind. Real love is based on careful consideration and calm reflection."

Student Talk / Kevin's Collection of Example Essays -- "good structure" [11]

Notice that a common mistake is to have good structure, with topic sentences that correspond to points made in the thesis, but the topic sentences become boring!! https://essayforum.com/writing-3/required-attendance-college-university-classes-17092/

This is a well-written essay with very good structure, but it would be good to add a little detail to the topic sentences.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Required attendance in college or university classes. [6]


It is interesting... when someone uses a list of 3 things in the thesis and then has topic sentences that correspond to the three things, the topic sentences are often boring. So, like Mustafa says, it is good to add some interesting detail to the topic sentences. The topic sentence, as you know, is the sentence that begins a paragraph and tells its main idea.

Make the topic sentences more powerful by changing them so that they strongly support your main argument: As you write a topic sentence, imagine that you are not going to be allowed to write any more sentences and that you must make me understand your point in a single sentence, like this...

The first reason for this is that optional attendance encourages students to be more responsible by giving them the freedom to make good or bad decisions .

You write very well!!! I'm adding this to my collection of "example essays" with good structure:

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY : PREPARED FOOD [3]

This is great, thanks for making this an excellent thread.

I'll add some ideas:
Nowadays, more and more people select prepared food as their daily meals, since it can effectively save time which is considered as money in our modern society. However it is ...

every producer adds a wide range of artificial ingredients in to the food that is now purchased by most people.

It is true that cooking prepared foods requires much less time in comparison with the fresh food. Yet, some research has ...

The more cooked food we choose, the more cooking skills we lose.

You write vry clearly and very well with only a few errors. This is great mastery of English. I don't know how to score the test, but I can assure you that you are already able to communicate very well in English -- better than some people who speak only English.

Writing Feedback / Why We Crave Horror Movies [3]

It is great that you do not include lots of unhelpful words and phrases, like some writers do. Yet, with some sentences it is good to use a few more words to reduce awkwardness:

I'm going to give three reasons why I agree with what he said, and these reasons are related to today's society.

I think you should be more specific and tell what you meant by "today's society."

and found out two teenage twin girls in Georgia had brutally killed their mother.

When you say you have three reasons you agree, it seems like you choose the wrong word. You agree with three points that he makes. A reason to agree is something different. Therefore, I suggest this subtle change:

I'm going to give three of his points of argument, all related to today's society, and tell why I agree with them.

Then in the body paragraphs you can say: One point of argument I agree with is King's idea that "we're all mentally ill" (1).

:-) So, I think you should refer to the "points" rather than the "reasons."

Writing Feedback / Healthy life style [4]

You can use a dash to add something extra like this to the end of a sentence:
...and dust in big cities -- especially urban places.
the dash works like a big comma.
:-)

There are several ways to do that. change your lifestyle and reduce stress, but in this essay I want to talk about playing sports and keeping a healthy diet.

(now end the first paragraph and start paragraph 2 about sports).
Sports are of primary importance as a way of exercising. The Greek used to say...

Start a new paragraph for every new idea. After the sports paragraph, you'll have a diet paragraph. That is good!! At the end, add a conclusion paragraph about the importance of exercise and diet together.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: What I would change in my hometown if I could [5]

You write with few errors! You already write in English just as well as anyone, so work on STYLE.
That first paragraph is not about "change" being the nature of things. You are writing about the environment. Do not use any sentences to talk about change in the universe. Do you know what I mean?

Create an experience for the reader, an experience of reflection on environmental concerns and the sacredness of nature.

Here is an error:
A polluted environment will injure our health chronically and some of illnesses are lethal . Use "ly" to modify a verb or adjective, but not to modify a noun like "illnesses."

You should write about specific things that make the environment beautiful. Write a sentence about the water and plant life and landscapes.
:-)

Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree that progress is always good? Yes it is always good! [4]


You are doing well!! Don't worry. The important thing is to keep on reading about the subject that you want to master... nutrition? Meditation? Literature? Keep practicing by reading and writing; don't worry about the errors.

Capitalize Internet.
Progress is a process:

The word "progress" usually refers the world's process of becoming incredibly better in the terms of social life, science, history, technology, modernization and so forth.

For me personally progress has played ...

As you practice reading andwriting and speaking, you will get good at knowing when to use the word "the":
Thanks to the Internet we can ...

I recently discovered that apparently it is possible even to watch movies online! --- excellent sentence!!

Get rid of extra words:
So in order to conclude, with I would say that I don't think we ever ...

I will assign you homework: Read my favorite book. It is called On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft. You have a lot of potential as a writer!

Grammar, Usage / How to cite your research paper? [6]

If you cite your own paper, you can just refer to it the way you would refer to any paper. Use the author's last name, which in this case is your last name.

If you need to point out to the reader that you wrote the paper being cited, it must be important for some reason that it is your work, perhaps to help explain the background of the present work, so spend a whole paragraph explaining what needs to be explained.

You have some freedom to use your own style. If you post it here I'll tell you if it seems right.

:-)

Research Papers / Project on sex trafficking - starting the first Line of an essay [6]


Well, I think it matters, but I know what you mean. The rest of the essay is what established the experience we want the reader to have, and the experience we want them to have can be achieved though a step-by-step process. The first sentence of the essay is like taking the first step. Always weirdly difficult.

The first sentence commits you a little to something. That's why I like to write it LAST!! I hate commitment.

Essays / Essay on my annual evaluation on "My favourite book" [4]

Great corrections!
I also want to say that you should trim away the extra stuff:
Favorite books. My favorite book ... It's really difficult for me. What is my favorite book?Now I can not answer this question. I've read so many books that I can not determine which one is my favorite. Each subsequent book is equally interesting and exciting as the previous one.I can not say just one title, one author. They are so much ... But I can certainly say one thing: the world is in the books. World - known and unknown, beautiful and ugly, cruel and...

(if you trim away all the extra words above, it will be very interesting!! I crossed out all the sentences except for the interesting ones.)

:-)

I think you spend too much time talking about the idea of favorite books, when they actually want you to write about a particular book. I think you need to choose a book and analyze it!

Research Papers / Project on sex trafficking - starting the first Line of an essay [6]

A overview is a great idea! However, it might be possible for you to channel real inspiration onto the page and let the intro take a form based on your creative inclination.

Write all the body paragraphs. Revise them until you like them. Think of your central idea -- the idea you would tell me if you had to explain the essay's message in a single sentence. Then, when you have finished the whole thing it will be easy to write an inspired intro.

The first line must be based on what you ultimately want the reader to experience or agree with. Lead the reader's attention.

:-)