Writing Feedback / It is better to have one long school vacation than to have a few short one? [6]

I think your organization is fine. You start off with a good introduction followed by a body that explains your opinions, and a nice, tidy conclusion. As to redundancy, I don't think you repeat yourself as much as you are clarifying your opinions and explaining your examples. I like the concluding sentence just as it is also. :)

Undergraduate / Short Essay Answers: Books, Interests, Why Occidental [2]

Good morning.

Just a couple of mechanical corrections, all to do with capitalization. Remember to only capitalize proper nouns and the first words in sentences. As such, "Cognitive Science" and "Southern California" should be "cognitive science" and "southern California."

Your content is good; all of your responses effectively answer the prompts.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Do you think policemen should be paid more or less money in Turkey? [4]

Good morning.

Which topic do you feel more confident about? Which one can you easily research? It sounds like both of these are opinion pieces, so which one do you feel strongly about? Both of these prompts ask your specific opinion about something, so you can just start brainstorming as to whether you agree or disagree with either statement. Once you have decided whether or not you agree with it, you can give examples to support your opinion, and that will give you a good start to your essay.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Exploring paper about the connection between the media, books, violence, and terrorism [10]

Good morning.

Do you agree or disagree with this statement? If so (or if not) why? Once you start to think about whether or not you think this is a true statement, you can expound upon your opinion and then use examples from the media (TV, movies, magazines, ads) to support your opinion. You could also look at it from an outside culture. For example, does the media in another country reflect that country's society accurately? From an outsider's viewpoint.

I hope this helps you get started!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: What dish holds a strong associative power for you? [5]

OK, let's see:

"Being of Greek descent , culture is very important to me. It is vital that I don't forget my heritage because I am going to have to pass it on to my children as my parents did to me and their parents did to them. For us Greeks, Easter is the most sacred and celebrated of all the holidays. To show our devotion and commitment to religion, we abstain from eating all meat and dairy products for seven weeks. (Removed because it doesn't deal with food)

With no comparison, Easter is the day where my palate is overwhelmed the most by the pleasures of food.

The first dish is mageritsa; we take the intestines, heart, and liver of the lamb, mix it with rice, dill, lettuce, eggs, and lemon and make it into a soup. The second dish is kokoretsi; we cut the liver, spleen, heart, and glands of the lamb and place them one by one threw a skewer, wrap the fatty membrane from the intestines around everything, and barbecue it.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Fall of Rome - history essay [2]

Good evening.

I think you're off to a great start. Because you state in your thesis that the collapse was due to the decisions of its emperors, be sure you will be able to link slavery, over inflation, the poor electoral system, technological stagnation, and Christianity directly to those emperor's decisions in each regard.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay - increasing the price of gasoline and electricity [4]

I think you've got some good discussion points here, but the piece needs a great deal of clarification. If you can, condense, rewrite, or eliminate some of these confusing parts in order to rework it into a more coherent piece. Keep up the good work!

Undergraduate / How will college ed. help you achieve personal+professional goals? [Purdue] [8]

Good afternoon.

I think you've got a good start. I think your "I"s and "me"s are well spread out, so they're not too redundant. I don't think the last two sentences are cheesy; I think they are the words of a person who knows exactly what he/she needs in order to get where he/she wants to go.

In regards to the third question, I would stick to focusing on your engineering topic. If you stray to these other things, your essay will become disorganized and less relevant. The prompt wants to know about your professional goals, and those seem to be in the engineering field, not in the musical arena. What are your personal goals in the engineering field? Perhaps you could discuss that a little more in depth as well. You could also be more specific as to what areas of engineering you want to get into? What do you want to do once you get there?

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Magazine's periodicity - the correct term? [4]

Good afternoon.

I have seen these described as "serials." You could describe it as "a serial that is published three times a year." Or, you could just describe it as "a periodical published three times a year."

I would be interested to know what others have to say on this!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / How to write an abstract in a research paper or dissertation? [8]

Thanks for the tips!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Check for my essay about my holiday trip to Singapore [2]

Good afternoon.

OK, let's see:

It is the smallest nation in SoutheastAs this is neither a proper noun nor the first word of a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized. Asia that is made ...

Last summer, my friends and I decided to visit Singapore, the Lion Island.
Singapore, a small island, lies at the southern and Westend of Malaysia.
There are many places of interest, such as the Tiger Balm Garden, the Botanical Gardens, and Raffles Museum.
... Science Centre, the Nanyang Universit, y and the Polytechnic.

This trip gave us some experiences about Singapore, a neighbor of my country. I took many pictures everywhere I went .
... who want to travel around the world, to study more about the cultures of different countries."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: What will you bring along to Sahara + unforgettable experience [5]

You're very welcome.

Sure! How about, "If we are brought up in an unhappy family, we may (grow into, become, grow to be, develop) miserable and pessimistic."

thesaurus.reference.com is a really great thesaurus website that may be able to help you find exactly what fits.

Good luck!

Essays / essay about the nature of estrangement [4]

Good afternoon.

An analysis is another word for "evaluation" or "understanding." It seems like your instructor wants to you digest this topic (the nature of estrangement) under different conditions, and then support your understanding with examples and your own statements of understanding.

First, I suggest you start by discussing the nature of estrangement, in your own words. What is it to you? How do you understand it? What are its positive and negative points? Then you can move on to your examples. How do they illustrate or negate your points made in your interpretation of the topic? Remember, analysis is nothing more daunting than your understanding or interpretation of something.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / "DEATH PENALTY" ; Essay on a controversial issue. [4]

:) Research is funny like that, isn't it? Just so you know, I'm not up on my religious texts, but isn't there one that says something like, "An eye for an eye?" :) Just a thought. But, this raises an issue for you; do you want to switch your essay to be something like the death penalty is just and right, and then use the information you are finding now to support that assertion? You might be surprised how surprised others might be with the research you are finding. Also, given that, I think you'd have enough research and examples to fill your required pages. Just another thought :)

Or, can you include both sides of this argument in the essay? By this, I mean, would it fulfill the assignment requirements if you provided both sides of this issue, or are you to pick a side?

OK, moving on. I think the details you provided to answer my questions should be included in your outline, so that not only can someone looking at your outline tell what you mean, but you will also be able to find your place when you are actually writing the paper. This can be very easily done (surprisingly) when you begin writing.

Your outline looks much better! Keep me posted!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Working for My Family's Business - UF application essay [3]

Good morning :)

Mechanically, I do have a few suggestions. First, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words in sentences. If the word does not fall into either one of those categories, it should not be capitalized. For instance, "General Contracting" shouldn't be capitalized.

Second, make sure that you stay in the same tense throughout the piece. For instance, you are mainly writing in past tense, so try to stay that way. "Do" should be "did," for instance.

Lastly, avoid the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing as it is inappropriate. Try using "one" or "I" instead.

In regards to content, you have a good experience explained in great detail, but you need to make sure that you link the experience how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. Make sure you address each part of their prompt in your response.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Extracurricular activities; MECD organization in Nicaragua [4]

Good morning.

This sounds like they want a small resume of your extracurricular activities. As such, all you would do is include a briefly detailed list that includes only the things they ask for.

For instance, list the name of the program and then give a one or two sentence description of it that includes the position you held and the hours you put into it each week. Do that as many times as you can before you run out of word count space. Don't put in too many details, or how you felt about the activity, as they are not interested in those aspects at this time. They only want data at this point.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / my mother made a decision that would change my life forever - admission UF [5]

Thank you.

It looks like your piece is a good response to the prompt. I suggest going a little deeper as to how this experience will help you contribute to the UF campus community. How will it effect your time there?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Our families have a major influence on who we are as a person - UCF essay! [5]

Thank you :)

Let's see:

"For instance, if someone criticizes me on something that I know I am doing correctly , instead of arguing with them I will just smile, take their criticism, and move on. I also learned to be considerate of other peoples' opinions and to thank whomever has helped in any way ."

"...learned to respect the people around me,...

Much nicer.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Argumentative essay on social justice issues, I have questions! [3]

Good morning.

It is not stereotyping if you can prove what you say. If you can find data to back up your statement (which, from the sounds of it, shouldn't be too hard) then you can say it is more religious than the surrounding areas. When you add a citation that gives you cold hard data, the statement you have will transform from a mere opinion to a strong, credible, assertion.

This second section walks a fine line. You (I assume) are referring to a public school, not a private one, and as so, the public has a say as to what is taught and what is not in the institution. Many would say that this is an individual decision left up to parents to teach because there are very close religious ties to some opinions, and the school system needs to stay out of issues with strong religious connotations. What you need to be prepared for with a statement such as this (and I don't think there's a way you can avoid it, given your topic) is, how much heat are you prepared to take for this paper? Are you ready to stand up for it in the face of possible media attention, if not the very least attention from the institution? If so, as long as you are respectful (which I think, only in regards to the passages you have provided here, you are) others will take you seriously. If you get too inflammatory in your statements, it will do just and only that: inflame your audiences.

I hope this helps you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Do you play basketball?" - Trying to get into UF. [5]

Good morning.

OK, let's see:

"If you come up to me and ask, "Do you play basketball?" I might be tempted to ask if you play miniature golf. That's a funny opening line. I cannot begin to count how many times I have been asked this very question.

Undergraduate / I love music and sports; A High-Tech Forte - U of I essay [9]

I suggest changing it to "I have."

Research Papers / research on attending church services for christmas [4]

Good evening.

Because you are assuming (as you did here) that everyone attends "church" and that may not be the case. Religion is a very sensitive topic, and a very wide one at that, so you do have to be careful of others' ideologies.

If you wish others to post their experiences, perhaps you could be more specific as to who "they" are. There are many different types of religious services, so you should be more specific.

Also, you need to discuss the fact that your research is not first hand, as you cannot go to church for whatever reason with your instructor so that he/she is informed as to how you are obtaining your research material.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / It is better to have one long school vacation than to have a few short one? [6]

As a result of having nothing to do with too much free time, students - especially teenagers - tend to spend their time to hang out with friends, gossip, and some of them can commit crime. A short break will not give them this free time: they have to come back to school before they find that they have nothing else to do during their vacation. For young children at primary school, their parents will not have to find a maid to look after them during a long vacation. Usually their children will have about ten free days and so the whole family can go for a holiday together.

In conclusion, I believe that having a few short vacations is better than a long short one."

Nice response to the prompt.

Essays / "DEATH PENALTY" ; Essay on a controversial issue. [4]

Good afternoon.

What supporting facts/details/examples do you plan on using for your first topic, section C?

II.
1. What do you mean by less suffering? For the condemned individual? If so, that would probably go into your A. point in this section. As to the second point here, why is it less punishment than life sentences?

C. What about the financial burdens placed on the institution carrying out the sentence?

III.
2. Isn't the trial process enough of a chance to prove their innocence?
B.
2. What about DNA?
C. Why not?
1. An example of why it wouldn't be fair to one person
2. An example of why it wouldn't be fair to another person in another situation.

Once you begin doing your research, I'm sure you'll have enough to make your paper long enough. You'll probably discover other points you want to discuss along the way.

In regards to starting it, I would worry about gathering all of your research first. Find the data and get your outline filled in and draw up a rough conclusion before you do your introduction. I always like to do the introduction last; after all, how can you introduce a paper you haven't written yet?

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: What will you bring along to Sahara + unforgettable experience [5]

Hello!

Let's see here:

"Topic 1: Imagine that you are going to travel in Sahara Desert. What are the things you will bring along? Write a passage about three things you would bring along and explain why you need those thing.

"As you know, the Sahara is one of the biggest deserts in the world. I would be very happy if I had an opportunity to make a trip to Sahara. I think there are many things to prepare before traveling in this desert.

Firstly, I would bring water. Because there is a lack of water in every desert, it is necessary to bring along enough water so that I can drink when I feel thirsty.

Secondly, I will prepare many foods. I think travelling in the Sahara would cost a large amount of energy, so I need foods to make me healthy.

Finally, I will bring along with me a camera. I guess that there are so many interesting places there that a camera would help me keep the wonderful moments forever. I also want to share the impressive photos of wild animals, plants, and sand dunes with my family and relatives.

In short, I am sure that I would have a good time in the Sahara if I brought along water, food, and a camera."

Topic 2:
Write about one of your most unforgettable experience
"Dear Alice,
Thank you for your postcard and your story. It is great to know that you had an enjoyable trip with your family in Bangkok. I have been studying for the new school year. Today, I want to write about my most embarrassing experience.

It happened last week when I was returning home from school. After school, my friends and I rode our bikes back home. On the way, we talked about many things such as exercises, music, films, and other subjects. When we were busy talkingabout last night's film, a heavy man suddenly appeared in front of me. I could not stop my bike so I crashed against that man. He lied on the road and my bike was thrown out. I had some little wounds on my arms. The man stood up and looked at me badly. I was very confused and I did not know what to do. I felt very scared. I said sorry to him but he still scolded me. That time, everybody looked at me strangely and I wanted to cry at once. That day was very horrible.

From then on, I have never talked to anyone when riding bike and I ride my bike more carefully. That story made me appreciate my safety more.

I have five classes now, so I have to stop. I hope you will enjoy a happy new school year. Write to me as soon as possible.

Best regards,
Rose"

The sentence is correct. You're welcome.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Quality of the Decision: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking [2]

My own experience shows the reason why I want to make decisions slowly and cautiously. Decisions, when devoted enough time and consideration, will improve our chance to succeed in life profoundly."

Book Reports / Critique (not a review) on Translations; any help would be fantastic :) [4]

Good afternoon.

Your post is seeking course specific answers, and as such my free assistance will be very limited because your question refers to very specific source material out of my area of expertise that only you and other members of your class can access. The solution to this problem might be to seek paid professional writing support, or alternatively, you can contact your instructor, classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist for assistance in locating materials and/or study groups on-campus that can help you complete this assignment.

Once you have the assignment completed, I can help you edit for grammar and mechanics.

I wish you luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I love music and sports; A High-Tech Forte - U of I essay [9]

Good morning.

I only have one suggestion:

"Ever since I learned how to build my own computer back in eighth grade, I've since then grown an interest in computers."

Nice work. A good response to the prompt.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / It is better to have one long school vacation than to have a few short one? [6]

Good morning.

What is the prompt and/or instructions for this piece?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Proper answer of these questions for PhD admission? [2]

Good morning.

It seems like you've got a very good start here. As to the second question, I would include the course listing only; they will ask you why you want the PhD later on. This is not the appropriate place to go into other details.

As to the third question, it sounds like they want to know what you are most interested in in this field, and why. You could talk about what fascinates you most in this subject area and why that is so important to you.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / research on attending church services for christmas [4]

Good morning.

How about doing some research on your own and going to some church services instead of just asking others? Not only does it defeat part of the purpose of the paper (you doing the research) it could also potentially offend others.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Our families have a major influence on who we are as a person - UCF essay! [5]

xoxoheartx3;

I apologize, I accidentally clicked on the wrong link and removed your latest posting :( !
I am truly sorry!
Would you post the new part of it only here and I can look at it?

Again, I'm sorry!

Thank you.

Essays / Advice for writing my first philosophy essay? [2]

Good afternoon.

I think those ideas would be a great start to your essay. There is a lot of information out there in regards to the Ubermansch, so you will have a lot of material to look through. I'm not sure if this applies to your assignment or not, but the link between Rodya and the Ubermansch in "Crime and Punishment" is probably something you could look into and perhaps use. I think once you get started with your research you'll have more than enough to keep you occupied.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Our families have a major influence on who we are as a person - UCF essay! [5]

I don't think you're redundant; I think you're just fully explaining your reasoning, and with good examples. If you'd like to make the examples a little bit stronger, you could include examples of how specifically you are respectful to others around you. That could add a little more depth to the piece.

Writing Feedback / Describe a person... A rough draft thrown together i need some insight [3]

Good afternoon.

"So, what do you say Joel?" These are the few words my grandfather directs at me each time we interact. I always respond with the same answer, "N ot too much grandpa," and that is it."

A most excellent response to the prompt. Very nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "awakened to Lonnie Liston Smith's 'A Gift of Love'" - UF Entrance Essay [4]

You're welcome.

That is tough, but if you've cut out that much I'm sure you can trim a little more off in order to make sure that you acknowledge all of the parts of their question. You can do it!!

:)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / What must we do to truly understand ourselves? Difficult for people to judge themselves evenhandedly [6]

In regards to usage, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. Also, there are numerous free guides on the internet.

In regards to highlighting your meanings, the best way to do this is to use details; the more descriptive and the more literary methods you use (metaphors, similes, personification, etc.) the more illustrious your writings will be.

Writing Feedback / [Analysis of Issue] Schools should be only responsible for academic skills [2]

"How to become a useful person for society?" There shouldn't be a comma after this, and "people" should be capitalized as the first word in the new sentence.

"In reality, there are many bad doctors and lawyers who are good at professional knowledge but still damage their patients or customers ."

You use some good examples to support your points. With some corrections, your piece will greatly improve.

Writing Feedback / Responsibility- through example or behavior of others? [3]

"When I was a kid, I always tended to simulate my parents. Hoping eagerly to grow up quickly, I listened to adults' conversations, learned to walk and talk like grown-ups, and practiced these skills ...

In r ecent years, as a result, many of my parents' friends claim that I am just like my parents, ...

Her father is the duckDo you mean "Duke"? of Bavaria and is an outgoing man ...
... be judged as suitable behaviors possessed by a duck.
Sissi, the duck's second daughter, is much like her father; outgoing, fond of nature and freedom, and especially loved riding horses.

Little Helen was wild , unruly, and frustrated because of her ...
She always played tricks on her family and never felt remorse about that.

Make sure to stay in one tense throughout the entire piece; you flip back and forth between past and present tense here, and it is very distracting to your audience.

Undergraduate / my mother made a decision that would change my life forever - admission UF [5]

Good afternoon.

Because the prompt and/or instructions were not included with this posting, I can edit for grammar and mechanics only.

"...part of Montgomery county, one of the richest counties in Maryland, and..."
"...and a nearly useless father who lived nearly 1, 000 miles away."

Other than that, your essay looks mechanically clean. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com