Undergraduate / Personal Academic CWU Admin. Essay [2]


Are you sure you don't mean 5000 character limit? 5000 words is almost 20 pages!!

If you have room to add more, do so. You should probably have a paragraph for each question they asked.

Which ever the individual prefers, s/he would accomplish their goals based on that choice. As for me, going to Central would significantly benefit my academic goal which is to become a better student that would ultimately prepare me for my future career. --- this does not really say anything. Your first few sentences do not say much about what you want to do. You should rewrite this so that your first few sentences tell the reader about your theme, your life, your plans.

Right now, the first few sentences talk about the idea that people have different preferences, but instead of this, you should introduce a theme for the essay -- a meaningful observation you make about life and school, etc.

I look forward to seeing your next draft! :-)

Essays / Applying persuasive strategies in paper revisions, understanding a assingment [2]

...similar in style to how foreigners gather together like long lost friends even though they hardly know each other. -----this is not okay... when yoy use the word foreigners you sound prejudiced, and when you make a generalization about them all it sounds even worse.

The expression is "every so often," not "ever so often"

This is all description, and it has no persuasion! What are you trying to persuade the reader of? This is a nice description, but your job is to make the reader agree with you about something. Did the teacher see th original essay and approve of it? I think you have th wrong idea. Write about an opinion you have, and try to make the reader agree with you, or write about something you want the reader to agree to do.

:-) Sorry!! Keep working at it!
Google this: logos, ethos, pathos

Undergraduate / Narrative piece for Comp English, deciding on thesis statement about my brother [2]

Which he did, but later regretted the decision.--- You should not start the sentence with "Which."
It would have to be like this:
Antoine's plan was to find an entry level position at a restaurant in Minneapolis, which he did, but later regretted the decision.
Or:
Antoine's plan was to find an entry level position at a restaurant in Minneapolis. He accomplished this goal, but later he regretted the decision. --- I like it this way.

1 is compelling, and it makes me curious about what happened. I like it more than the second option, which seems generic and unoriginal.

You can make 1. better if you write the essay and then add a brief sentence to clarify what you mean about the moral of the story. For example:

Antoine's plan was to find an entry level position at a restaurant in Minneapolis. He accomplished this goal, but later he regretted the decision. Personal demons were at work, and my brother learned that part of one's personal strength is the ability to rely on others when necessary.

See what I mean? When the essay is written, write moral of the story like this to "sharpen" the meaning of the thesis.

Good luck!!

Research Papers / Research Proposal and Using Instrument not been Validated or Tested Reliable. [7]


So, this is about whether RN's and RPN's, working together, have a significant effect on it? I'm sorry if I'm missing something obvious. I'm not a nurse. But... you want to know something about the effect it has on people's ulcers?

BTW, a pilot test is something you can feel pretty comfortable with. A pilot test just means you try it out before the study.

This Pressure Ulcer Staging Tool .... has it been used in other studies? If so, that gives it some credibility.

Writing Feedback / My essay relating to job satisfaction :) [2]

Satisfaction obtained from work is considered as a more and more by many to be a crucial way to achieve happiness. --- now ad one more sentence to explain what you mean. That way, the first paragraph will have at least 3 sentences. It is good to have at least 3 or 4 sentences in a paragraph... but not necessary.

In the following essay, I will look at the contributions to job satisfaction as well as the reality for realistic expectations about job satisfaction to be got acquired.

An employee can feel satisfied by motivation from both financial side and non-financial side rewards. On one hand, money

This is not an error, just my suggestion:
Above all, all these factors help employees think feel that they are cared about by their employers.
A question concerning the reality The fact that that job satisfaction is achieved through work seems obvious.

Personally, I reckon that the inability to find suitable jobs arising from either the employee's own incapacity or outside forces like economic conditions usually limits the level of satisfaction. I don't think this sentence is related to the rest of the essay. If you want to make it related to the rest of the essay, you have to do it like this:

Personally, I reckon that the inability to find suitable jobs arising job satisfaction arises from either ...

And I think you should write believe instead of reckon. Nobody really says reckon anymore! :-) I think it is a word from back in the 1800s or something. Maybe some people still use it, but I never have used it.

Undergraduate / How to start a Letter of Appeal (so that it's not over dramatic)? [10]


Well, sometimes the most powerful thing is to tell the truth. It's therapeutic, too. So, you may sound dramatic or not, regardless of what you write about. The way to not sound melodramatic is to not even make too many excuses, but instead to focus on describing a clear plan for the future.

Sometimes a plan can be so clear and thoughtful, as well as socially and environmentally responsible, and ethically inspirational... sometimes a plan can be explained so clearly with such detail that it PROVES that you are a promising citizen/professional... someone who deserves a chance.

Yeah, a good plan really proves something... because so many of us do not have a plan! :-)

Book Reports / AN ESSAY ON THE BOOK THE ALCHEMIST BY PAULO COELHO [3]

Thanks Kurogashi, you are great!
Santiago's personal legend is that he can finish what he starts, because he has strong work ethic. out with just like a job . --- Is this what you mean?

When the crystal merchant gives Santiago a job at the store he is told he may have to stay a year or two to get what he wants; t hen crystal merchant tells Santiago that it's going to take a year to save up enough money for the trip to the pyramids.

Use commas:
I worked hard, got there on time, and did my duties in serving the customers that came in at S ubway. Santiago's personal legend and mine are the same, because we both got a job and achieved in finish it to get what we both needed.

I think you are writing stared when you should be writing started. Also. You don't need to write "out with." Do it this way:

Santiago's personal legend is to finish a journey that he started and to get tested along the way.

Now, you have been writing in the present tense, so keep the verbs in the present tense here, too:
When Santiago is at the Alchemist's house and talking about the soul of the world the Alchemist says, "Every search ...

Again here:
Santiago's personal legend is that he can finish any task that is given to him. --- you wrote "is" in the present tense, and that is correct. So now when you write about the story, you can keep it in the present tense. ----> When the Alchemist and Santiago are captured by the tribesmen and taken to their tent, the chief questions them and then the Alchemist gives them money. The chief says to Santiago that he would...

Whenever you write about a story (book, movie, or whatever) you can use the present tense. For example:
In Star Wars, Luke Skywalker learns that Darth Vader is his father, and he has a big freakout.

This is a run on sentence:
Personal legends can be the same it's just different by how you approach it and if you get to the final stage and finish it and know that you are done with it and that anyone can achieve their personal legend.

Personal legends can be the same; our legends just differ because of how we approach them, and if you get to the final stage, finish it, and know that you are done with it, you know that anyone can achieve their personal legend. --- nice ending!!

Essays / The ending of an Essay on Myself [5]

Yeah, the ending should resolve some tension that you built up during the essay. It should resolve some question you raise or complete some kind of cycle.

However, there are no real rules for how you end your art.

One safe approach is to refer back to something you said near the end of the intro paragraph or beginning of paragraph 2.

I hope you will read some excellent essays as examples. Google this:
Classic Essays

Scholarship / "my degree in actuarial science" - scholarship essay [3]

This is some very impressive writing. I think it shows that you are bilingual, and your ability to write so clearly in English is impressive. Here is an example of something that shows that English is not your first language:

I am truly indebted to them all, whose determination for success fired my long life lifelong passion for learning and ... ----- this is still excellent, even though you wrote long life.

"for" is unnecessary here:
...received Anugerah Penghormatan Pengetua for every semester for my achievements in exams.

Most of this (below) is in the past verb tense, so put the first verb in the past tense, too:
Ultimately, mathematics became my passion. Functions, formulas and fractions all made sense to me. I could easily work simple math problems and apply the concepts into real life. Mathematics somehow became...

I hope you capitalize "I" in the final draft:
Presently, I am...

... taking up a communication English course, a public speaking course, and other short courses at a local community college.

...in this field, I wish to be awarded scholarship so that I can concentrate on my studies without worrying about the expenses incurred th roughout the duration of three years.

Get rid of the period after the exclamation mark:
I would be very grateful if one day my parents were to say," Thank God, my only daughter is an actuary!" W hat could be more rewarding than that?--- great, great, great ending.

These corrections are minor. Sorry I did not get to it sooner! If you sent it out already, i am sure they will be impressed. These corrections are not so important.

Essays / A subject to introduce myself -- engineering [6]

All you have to do is type Curriculum Vitae into Google and read the instructions you find. You can find examples to follow, too.
Google this:
Curriculum Vitae example

The other good thing to know is how to grab the reader's attention with a clear first sentence about each point.
sentence 1: Make the point clearly in a sentence that is not too long.
sentence 2: give an example.
sentence 3: tell why it is important.

Graduate / Petroleum +Environmental Engineering, renewable energy, project management - SOP [4]

the 3rd is Environmental engineering :

Pollution has been a major problem all over the world. Every process from manufacturing to transportation produces pollution. Environmental engineers use their discipline to develop solutions to environmental issues , including ...

Use a colon, not a semi-colon:
I studied mechanical engineering in the most prestigious university in Indonesia: University of Indonesia.

Being Drilling Site Manager demands requires me to make quick analyses and decisions regarding the drilling operations. My experiences supervising various different tasks allow me to be able empower me to work around challenging environments. Interaction with people in a culturally diverse environment has improved my communication skills, leadership skills, and ability to work in a group environment as well as to lead and supervise subordinates.

Besides working, I am ...

In Five years from now, I want to

I do hope you will take make a favorable decision regarding my admission to Environmental Engineering and Business Management program, and I'm looking forward to joining Imperial College soon.

We can find project managers in any kind of industries every industry. Project management is ...

I had earned my degree in mechanical engineering from the most prestigious university in Indonesia; University of Indonesia. Having my final year

My present activity in the neighborhood involves having Indonesia independence celebration. I help the committee to find the best games, door prizes , and catering. I love to organize event and people so they will feel happy and enjoy living in our housing complex.

I consider myself to study in Manchester University because I'm young, energetic, smart working, visionary and motivated person who believes that I can do something to benefit my country in future. --- good sentence!!!!!!

The high reputation, in having the superior standards of education, and the opportunity to challenge myself have motivated me on toward taking petroleum engineering in Manchester University. The eminent ...

Again "make a decision"---> will make a favorable decision regarding my admission to Petroleum Engineering program, and I'm looking forward to join Manchester University soon.

Undergraduate / I'm a very outspoken person; About myself-Present and future goals [6]

Divide this into a few paragraphs so that the reader does not run away from it! Paragraphs make a piece of writing more manageable.

I'm very outspoken and friendly, and I like to meet new people. I also love to sing and read in my spare time. I see myself as someone who is very persistent, and will always get back on her feet. (Right here, add some sentences with your thesis statement and the main idea you want the reader to remember.)

Then, start paragraph 2:
I am a believer of God, His love, guidance, and protection...

paragraph 3:
Palm Beach Atlantic fit into my goals, because it isn't too far away from home and it's close to the beach. ------- hmmm.. it might be nice to say something about your intellectual and professional interests that can be pursued there, too.

With a student-faculty ratio of 12:1. --- incomplete sentence

Being that With close-knit classes, the students develop an experience kind of like the one that they will have with their patients.

Another important goal of mine is to graduate from Palm Beach Atlantic. ---- too obvious!

enviornment environment

Good luck!! Stop using that expression "being that it is (such-and-such), ..." It is sort of a nonstandard colloquial phrase that makes writing confusing. Not everyone would agree with me, though. It might be okay. :-)

Research Papers / Help with Thesis on using a classroom website for communication & collaboration [2]

This is a great idea for a project. Go read 10 articles written in the past 5 years to see what studies have been done recently. You will see that a few of them mention some of the same research studies related to this. When you start to know who the prominent researchers are in this field, you will be becoming an expert in the field.

Note that online classes have only existed in a widespread way for a little over a decade, so much research still needs to be done.

Search for this in your school library database: teachers using class website
also
online learning community

What grade level are you working with?

If you fnd a teacher doing a great job, you can use a case study research design. If you find 2 teachers doing it differently, use a format based on a comparison of 2 case studies.

Google this to help you master qualitative design: john cresswell research design

You can also use "grounded theory" as your qualitative method. Use it to explain the PROCESS of implementing a class website, and base it on interviews with teachers.

I hope that gets you started!!!

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Preventing Herpes" - Current Issue in Public Health using an article about health problem [9]

many ---> that are not curable..

...black women have----Let's stick to using the term African American, which you introduced at the start of the essay.

Use commas:
...that they have herpes, since herpes does not really have symptoms, or it could be misdiagnosed with as something else and it could be spread to their partners.

The severity of herpes is that there is no cure and only medicine to relieve the symptoms. --- this sentence is not good. you need to use severity differently:

The severity of herpes is considerable in the sense that there is no cure and only medicine to relieve the symptoms.

How about the different types of herpes? You should probably mention them. good luck! You are doing very well with this kind of writing!!

Undergraduate / "My Mother" - she will always be by my side. [9]

Say it in fewer words when you can:
If I have to mention o The first person that comes to mind ...

You are using although incorrectly:
Although It took me a while to ...
... I was growing up I began to value things _________ (what things?), and my new perspective ... mother's wisdom. in life and then it got to ...

Among the many great qualities she posses, ..., and her sense of responsibility has have made me ...

The characteristics of my mother is none of what are different from any that I have seen in other people.
...; her skills as being a homemaker, and her quick ... of her greatest qualities .
(start a new paragraph)
One day while my mom was ...

Some of your sentences are quite powerful! You need to practice changing words from singular to plural. Good luck!!! I think your mother will feel good when she sees this essay.

Poetry / Anabell Lee vs How do I Love Thee - a compare/contrast poem [2]

One good strategy might be to learn a little about their lives and than argue that these aspects of their lives are reflected in the poems. You can make almost any argument you want if you can support it with examples. The important thing is to say something about the relationship between the two poems. In addition to showing the similarities and differences, you should make some point about the significance of the relationship between the two things being compared/contrasted.

So, give an attention grabbing first line, and then give a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.

Then, let the first sentence of every para be a topic sentence that makes a point to support your argument. Follow each topic sentence with an example or citation.

It will help if you google the titles with the word analysis. Google this:
analysis How do I Love Thee? Elizabeth Barret Browning

Writing Feedback / Introduction/Thesis Help (good family = good future, bad family = bad future) [9]

Usually people say, "The teenage years" rather "the years of a teenager"

Oh, I'm glad you finished and are happy with it.
I know what you mean about procrastination! We all do that. But it's okay, because inspiration is tricky to catch.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Each course ended with a major project' - Describe what leadership means to you [18]

The last paragraph is an opportunity to discuss something and really be well understood. The essay has introduced a particular idea in the intro, supported the idea with examples in the body paragraphs, and now, in the conclusion, you can really make your point. It's so rare to be able to describe your thoughts about something and have people really understand what you mean...

So, use that last paragraph as a great opportunity to discuss the main idea/impression you want the reader to remember.

Writing Feedback / I believe that both classmates and parents have considerable influence on children [4]


if you see the mistakes, help correct them!

Here we go:

Oh, wait a minute! I see that Kurogashi came through. Nice job, you are great!

I'll work on that version some more:

The years of a child involve interactions between them and their environment. One of the most important factors in their environment is the people around them. It is this factor that decides the academic success of a ...

Nowadays in contemporary societies, children seem to spend a lot of time in school; therefore, they ...

...the beginning of each year, a friend of mine and I share our common goals and study methods. And we consistently...

For example, if a parent who usually monitors the progress of a child in their studies, supports them in their future career, and talk to them about how important studying is, the child will one day become successful.

In conclusion, a child's success depends on several factors. But, a crucial factor has to be people and who can influence a child -- friends and family.

:-)

Dissertations / Suggest topics: HR Doctorate in Human Resource Management [25]

One easy approach is to search a database for this:
"human resource management" case study

or HRM case study

or choose a topic within HRM that interests you, like

"employee training" case study.

You can find LOTS of case studies in databases, because one of the main qualitative research designs is "case study design"

So search for case studies and you will see many options. I often use Questia, but it costs $$. So. you can use your school's library database.

Research Papers / Topic relating to The Human Condition for English class [2]


hahahahah, you are experiencing the human condition right now! you should be able to do this. It will be great.

The thing to do is use databases for finding articles about the human condition.
Read and enjoy them, and write about them.
You'll find stuff like tis:

The Human Condition: More Than a Guide to Practical Philosophy
Journal article by Ingeborg Nordmann; Social Research, Vol. 74, 2007

Thomas Martin, Oppression and the Human Condition: An Introduction to Sartrean Existentialism Journal article by Constance Mui; Sartre Studies International, Vol. 12, 2006

Seeing like a State: How Certain Schemes to Improve the Human Condition Have Failed
Journal article by Mica Rosenberg; Journal of International Affairs, Vol. 58, 2004

Tymieniecka, Anna-Teresa, and Evandro AGAZZI, Editors. Life-Interpretation and the Sense of Illness within the Human Condition: Medicine and Philosophy in a Dialogue
Journal article by Edward J. Sheridan; The Review of Metaphysics, Vol. 57, 2003

Is Human Nature Obsolete? Genetics, Bioengineering, and the Future of the Human Condition Journal article by Andrew Lustig; Theological Studies, Vol. 67, 2006

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement: Famous New Yorker, Poem, 2050 Movie, and Program Choice [3]

and the unflinching complexities of life.--- I don't think the complexities are unflinching. Maybe he was unflinching despite the complexities.

That poem is gripping, very good reading. However, it does not amount to much. It shows a scene, like a haiku. I would get rid of the word "Yet" and add another line or 2 to make it amount to something meaningful.. perhaps related to your career.

Much like a fine wine, the older the film, the better the taste. --- I don't know if this is true!1 Sometimes old films are like... um... wine with really bad dialogue and cheesy plot. hahahahahahaha

Nice job, you are impressive...

oh, one more thing:
I have always been a very visual learner.--- very almost always weakens writing, because very can be expressed in more sophisticated ways. Also, the learning "types" are visual, haptic, and verbal/auditory, so "very" is unnecessary.. like saying, I am very left handed.

Thanks for the wise feedback I saw you give in other threads to our essayists.

Writing Feedback / Introduction/Thesis Help (good family = good future, bad family = bad future) [9]


Great observation! I hope you will share your insights with other people here by helping them with their essays essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Why dos the thesis assertion make it difficult? When Babe Ruth would point in the direction of the home run he was going to hit, that made it more difficult for him. If you begin with a thesis, it makes it tough to proceed... but if you allow the thesis to change to accommodate the paragraphs you come up with, it will be easy.

Write a sentence about an observation you make, and let it be the topic sentence (first sentence of a paragraph. Follow it up with an example and some explanation, and then a conclusion sentence for the paragraph. Do this a few times, and you have your body paragraphs.

Look at all the body paragraphs and rewrite the thesis statement so that it fits them perfectly.

OR just write these paragraphs in ways that support your assertion that a good family = a good future. ... yes! This is what you should do, because you wrote this intro beautifully.

...it is a wonder that how anyone can laugh, fall in love, and live life to its fullest.

Put this little extra phrase between 2 commas:
It seems as though, at every turn, there is an obstacle after another.

The rest o this is beautifully written. Just find examples from the story to support the assertion. start each with a topic sentence to begin the paragraph.

Undergraduate / Art Institute of Las Vegas Admission Essay ~ I need help making it shorter. [4]

I just signed up for MySpace and I am absolutely clueless about how to do anything. I decided to browse my friend's site to get some kind of inspiration. Everyone who was used to the ... good descriptions! I like it...

So, I tried impersonating the designs that was seen as I saw them with my unique personality. If I was going to make my own, some of my flare would have to go in it, right? Having no idea on about how to make something that...

I was trying to teach myself things I thought wer e impossible.

... and personalizing people 's requests.

I could not believe I was the one person who people would want to go to for my ability.

After Almost a year after launching my site, I realized ...
Excellent!! You are doing very well. Come up with a THEME for the essay, an idea that will linger in the reader's mind. Express that theme near the end of the first paragraph if you can, as a way of introducing the main idea of the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Decision can be made quickly [2]

We have to take make decisions. "make"

Almost all people have to make some decisions in their daily lives. have to take some decisions. Some of these decisions are taken made quickly. Others need to take more time to be made. Personally, I think that decisions that people make quickly are not always wrong. Being limited by the time cannot always cause us to make the wrong decision, because there are other reasons that have a huge impact on this process .

My best friend always told me that I have to beat the fire when it is hot. (Bob Marley says, "Strike the hammer while the fire is hot.")

Never wait to make a decision, because it will be too late.--- this is wise sometimes!

...

Some people believe that the decisions that people make quickly are always wrong, because ...

It is important to make decisions in our lives, even if they are wrong.

We can think or ask for advice but never let another person makes the decision for us, because they will try to control and manipulate us all our lives.--- this is a well-constructed sentence!!

Writing Feedback / Cause & Effects of Computer Addiction [5]


Hey, I use colons all the time. Why not use them? If colons are bad for writing style, I want to know so I can avoid them or write an essay in protest of the convention. I like colons for an important reason: they help me express ideas efficiently.

The beginning stages of addiction begin when your need to... --- I agree that this part is awkward. Just change begin to "are observable"

This material looks great!

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for a PhD in Wind Energy [6]

My academic background and my professional experience aim to a specific path, which is research in the fields of renewable energy. ...

I have completed a five-year Degree of Engineering in Electrical and Computer Engineering at ...

My undergraduate education has given me a certain set of skills and strong fundamentals in both computers science and electrical engineering. As a result, I incorporated a combination of models for understanding into my way of thinking and research plans.

Being fascinated by the Automatic Control Systems and Electrical Machines, that which I was introduced to in my third year at the university, I had the chance to

Focusing my interest in the area of renewable energy, I have challenged myself by performing research in the ...

In the past I had the opportunity to work in a multinational environment, and the work results have shown ...

Finally, I believe that life is a constant learning process, a nd I am confident that I have the technical skills and the qualifications that meet the requirements for the PhD in Wind Energy. I am certain that my passion, ambition, and willingness to work hard will help me to become a successful researcher.

Writing Feedback / The Reverse Culture essay [5]

The first paragraph is so great! I am pretty impressed. For whatever its worth, I think that really has the energy of inspiration.

Italics might work well here to show her hypothetical dialogue:
...as if to say I am as much a woman as you are. I do my thing, do you even understand? You with the fancy blue jeans, fancier sandals and rosy toe-nails. Are you here to look at me, are you pitying me?

Ah, then you do move on, a little ashamed and you don't know exactly why. --- great sentences in this essay...

sometimes people will judge yu for using a comma splice:
But you are a privileged one. Of that, there isn't a doubt.

Thanks for sharing this! It really resonated with me. Especially the part about feeling embarassed to not be poor when in the presence of a poor person.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Some people trust their first impression about a person character [3]

"Lot" is a singular noun, so you have to write:
There are many people who believe that the...

Graham made some great changes. Did you notice that he took an e out of "met" to make it past tense? ... when I met my sister's husband...

I hope you both consider being EF contributors essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Look at the last sentence of the first paragraph:
In other word our first impression is made under a several factors, but these factors are insufficient for judging accurately. (I added words to transform it into a sentence that says the main message of the essay)

djanat, you should write longer conclusion paragraphs, so they can be full of thoughtful reflection.

Regardless of whether the impression is good or bad, we have to avoid trusting our first impressions about people when we meet them the first time.

Writing Feedback / "Eco Friendly India". TOEFL essay. [3]

The word "till" is not proper. I think it is better to type "until."

India has largest population and largest number of pollution-creating vehicles. It has a population in the trillions with many people working jobs involving manual labor. But the Indian economy is growing fast. India is one of the countries whose economy is growing stronger; other such countries are Russia, China and Brazil(RICB). India can be most Eco friendly place until 2020. How that can happen is what I am going to explain in further paragraphs.

Firstly, India has immense solar energy, which can be utilized.

Indian has launched a car which is called Reva. Reva is echo friendly electrical car and which works on solar energy; unfortunately only 3000 cars are only sold up until now. This car has

Thirdly, there are many villages in India where there is no light in the houses. They have to light the house by kerosene lamps. In which Kerosene is very costly and the common man cannot afford it. Salvo is a type of light ...

This helps the common man to purchase it in less prize less expensively.
All in all, i In this way, solar energy is not wasted and make into use but instead is used in different ways. Ultimately, Green technology will help India to become pollution free until 2020.

:-)

Undergraduate / Ecology, my essay to summer school in Sweden [3]

I graduated from the University as the best student on the course with perfect score in 98% of my subjects. --- is this what you mean to say? 98% of your subjects?

If the score is 98%, it is not perfect, but almost perfect.

Right after that sentence, ad one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph: the thesis sentence that tells the main idea of the whole essay. AFTER giving a thesis sentence, end that first paragraph.

I think you should write paragraph 2 in a new order:

My dream - to teach at the university - soon will come true. I was invited to work as a teacher of landscape ecology from the beginning of the school year. Moreover, my work at research institutes gave me the practical experience of research. My work and study are also related to international cooperation. I actively participated in projects in Sweden and Lithuania. I believe that my work is very interesting and useful to society. To increase the level of my education, I enrolled at graduate school.

Nice job!!!

Essays / A subject to introduce myself -- engineering [6]

Djana, that was very nice of you!
Sisi, I agree with your advice about making a distinct impression.

Yash, you can find a lot of examples online. Google this:
Letter of introduction example

You can see a lot of different ways to make sentences in English. For example, you can write:

I am a serious student with an interest in engineering. I like the way engineering combines art and science. (continue to write about engineering)

Start a NEW PARAGRAPH:
I live with my uncle in Vapi, Gujarat and attend Fellowship Missiom School. In my classes, I always enjoyed learning about physical science and planning my future as a (mechanical?) engineer.

:-) Use a new paragraph for every idea.

Scholarship / A brief autobiography (strengths and challenges, work experience, volunteering) [6]

This conveys a creative, confident personality... impressive stuff.

A few yea rs ago, I discovered that marketing is another field I am interested in say something more colorful here.

So in October 2007 I entered *** School of Business in *** and now I am a three and a half year student studying marketing. Meeting new people opened more horizons for me.---- This paragraph needs another sentence or two to say something meaningful about why you became interested in marketing.

I don't have that much of working experience yet. This sentence is grammatically incorrect and sort of... too self-critical. Start this paragraph with a sentence that emphasizes what you HAVE done.

... representative of Russian cell phone operator ***.

The volunteering section looks good, but do not just list everything. Describe the various accomplishments as evidence to support the main theme of the introduction of yourself to these people. What is the main theme? (YOUR main theme)

As a future marketing specialist, it is essential to understand people, and I believe that the English language is an invaluable tool in this process.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "What is love?" - It's the beauty of a rose, yet often vile as her thorns [7]


Did she tell you what she took points off for? If she gives great feedback, you'll know what to google to improve your skill.

Oh, I see the problem. The teacher wants you to learn good structure. This is what you call a "rant."

An essay with good structure makes good use of that spot right at the end of the first paragraph. In the last sentence of the first para, give a thesis statement.

Read that advice above about topic sentences.

Read some books about good composition, like anything by Diana Hacker.

You are ready to learn some powerful techniques for communication. I hope all of you in this thread check out this page essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.

Love is like a rose... this is a big sloppy cliche!! It is not unique at all, because a rose is a symbol for love in popular understanding.

It's great that you are working to improve your writing!! :-) Please share what you learn with some of our other members by helping them with their essays.

Undergraduate / Parents / Campus - UCF Admissions essay "bump in the road" [6]

"Has" is a weak verb, not much fun:

I choose to apply to UCF because of the atmosphere the campus has creates for future students like me.

I consider this university as an opportunity for me in regards to studying, learning and exploring the every aspect of human experiences. This sentence is not helpful, because it is too obvious! Of course it is an opportunity for study and learning.

This is well-written, but it should be divided into a few paragraphs. You cover lots of ideas. One idea = one paragraph. Use the first sentence of each paragraph as a topic sentence to tell the paragraph's main idea.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Comparison and Contrast essay: Solar power and Wind power [4]

Don't capitalize solar and wind:
...such as solar power and wind power. (end this sentence, or it will be a run on sentence) new sentence:
These two of energies had been used in history, and the meantime, and nowadays both have become two of the powers that are consumed frequently in modern times.

First, solar power is defined as that it's an energy from the sun that's converted into thermal or electrical energy.

I see some formatting problems, but they probably do not appear as problems in your word processing program...

the expression is this: On the other hand...
On the other hand, using electricity for power has been associate with the biggest causes of damage to the environment...

statistics show that the most emissions produced from the electricity power, where is 62% which contribute with acid rain ;also 33% of the emission that pose significant health risks. ------ be careful, I think you are using the word "electricity" when you actually mean something else. Electricity itself does not create emissions, but in order to generate electricity we burn fuel that gives off emissions.

:-)

Poetry / Baby Doll, Phenomenal Woman - Comparing and contrasting two poems [3]

That is great advice. If you are a beginner, you should google what Sue told you to google and try writing the type of essay called "alternating" compare and contrast. That means you will write one body paragraph about one of them, another body paragraph about the other, and a third that tells the similarities and differences. Then, go back and add an introduction para at the beginning and a conclusion at the end. If you post here, we'll help!!

:-)

Book Reports / thesis statement for "the count of monte cristo" theme essay [5]

It seems like you might be under the impression that a thesis statement has to be written in a complex way. That is not true. The thesis has to be clear, not complex:

Justification in revenge --- what do you mean by justification?

Maybe you mean this:
Revenge is only enjoyable for the person taking revenge...
...but that has nothing to do with your question. Maybe you want to argue that Dante took his revenge too far and that he went too far because of his __________.

Essays / Children's Literature (how to avoid stereotyping) [5]

One important way to deal with it is to choose books that are not ridiculously stereotypical.
Another way is to point out stereotypes when you present the books to the class, and engage students in discussion.
Some of the older children's literature is very bad for this reason. It is not good to have little girls read stories about helpless females who need to be rescued by males.

As for culture it is very difficult to avoid stereotypes; how can we teach something about a culture without making a big generalization?

Choosing the right literature seems most important. What do you think? To get started, google this:
children's literature stereotype gender culture

Scholarship / Mom, Guitar, Heritage -3 factors that have shaped me and changes to my community [2]

The one about your mom needs some concrete examples. Many people could write the same essay about their moms. Make this one unique, and give an example to show how her influence is related to your choice of career.

...This day to day activity has helped me---- is this missing a word?

What does the guitar have to do with honesty? I know the answer is hard to explain, but try to capture it in a sentence, because that is the sort of thing that makes an excellent essay!!!

I don't see errors, but you are guilty of ambiguity. Even your example is vague:
Because I am Indian, I have different values and beliefs. These beliefs influenced my character. For example, I believe in more personal relationships with my family and friends. --- what does that mean? You can be more specific and really tell us something about yourself.

The last one, about the community, is excellent!!!
:-)