Undergraduate / University of Toronto, Commerce Supplementary Essay [7]

The feeling of connectedness between us - it was amazing, a beautiful feeling of contentment that was hardly describable.

Awesome, this is short, but it is so strong. I hope you can find a way to add some sentences about how this experience will empower you as you enter your chosen professional field (politics? Eduction?) Write a little about your vision for the future!

I also think you should add one more sentence to that intro paragraph so that it will end with a thesis sentence that expresses the main idea of the whole essay. After "in for a surprise," you should write a sentence that tells the reader this main theme.

Undergraduate / Essay On Remembering Events as FRESHMEN in Oakland University, Home Sweet Home [2]

had to leave a place where I was born, played day and night, and where I felt like I was in heaven.

My mom said told me to be ready in an hour because the movers would be coming in the next thirty minutes.

Now, the paint of the wall was going to faint because of the roof was licking leaking. It needed to repair Repair was necessary for the roof, walls and terrace.

The ocean was close to nearer from my house.

My House house in India was the most important part of my life.

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement- Why having Asperger's has inspired me to join Peace Corps [6]

AS is an autism spectrum disorder that is exemplified by difficulty in social interactions and eccentric mannerisms.

This is a place to use a colon:
To help me with my condition my mother did something that forever changed me: she made me...

With the confidence I have gained from volunteering, I know I can exemplify the mission of the Peace Corps by doing whatever is needed of me for the betterment of others.---- wow, you are a good writer!

How about like this? ----> Both of these expectations would require me to act as diplomat; the challenge will be to harmonize cultural differences and solve interpersonal problems.

Research Papers / Research Paper on the Invention of Credit Cards [2]

I often use questia, a reputable site. It costs some money, though! It provides access to entire books.

Also, try googling this: history of the credit card

You can come up with a theme ("evil," maybe!)
And the thing to do is read a lot of good articles and books, and write a paragraph about what each writer said. Then, rearrange the paragraphs by using cut-past in a word document, and get tem itno a good order. At the end, go back and write your introduction. Then, write the conclusion.

:-)

Undergraduate / The apocalypse, or judgment day - Help For essay sample Northwest University [9]

You have to have something meaningful and unique to say. The way you started this explanation reminded me of Lovelock's writings about Gaia, so google that for ideas.

You are talking about some ideas about the end of the planet, or end of the human race, but you must have one, solid point you want to convey. You need one poignant message that the whole essay supports.

Don't try to talk about TOO many subjects. Only use subjects that demonstrate the point you are making, the argument you are making.

:-)

Undergraduate / Columbia Transfer: How and why is your present school not meeting your needs? [5]

When I nervously peeked into my first class at a community college, I was confused if about whether or not I had come to the right place.

Some people wore suits with their company I.D. badges, and some had white hair and were walking cane.

Although my years at community college were worthwhile, they did not include the proper education that I wanted to have to become a proficient international education economist.

:-)

Book Reports / Writing an essay on Christpoher Boone (trouble getting started) [10]

like--> like
...to consider Christopher as functioning like a computer rather than functioning like a human being.

I think that a All of these factors suggest that Christopher ...

I like it a lot! It is well-written and very clear. Now that you have given an overview of him, you can write a paragraph about his character flaws, and then another paragraph about the conflicts he faces. Keep going, you are better at this than you might think! A natural...

:-)

Essays / How should I write this thesis statement about the environment? [5]

The thesis statement should say something that is not too obvious. Don't write "Governments of developed nations need to reduce their harmful emissions in order to protect the environment." It is too general and obvious.

You should read 5 articles, and see if you learn something you did not know before. When you learn something you did not know before, write a sentence about it, and post it here. we will tell you if it is a good thesis statement.

google this: how to write a good thesis statement about environment
... and you will get a lot of good ideas!

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

Go to the database you will be using to find articles. Will you use your school's database? If not, choose a good one. Search for these key words: human resource management

When the list comes up, skim through it to see what topics have had a lot of articles written about them. Choose a topic you understand.

One good topic to choose is "outsourcing." search for this: human resource management outsourcing labor.

You will see a lot of articles other people have written. You can write one just as good.

also try searching for: Human resource management "case study" outsourcing

Essays / The Japanese government and the American military - Argumentative Title Idea? [5]

It depends on what you are arguing. If it is an argumentative essay, you are arguing some good points you want to make. Maybe you should read about Japan's arguments, America's arguments, and then make your own argument. You have to think of your argument first, and then make a title that expresses it.

It starts with a lot of reading. Google this: Japanese Opposition Wants American Troops Out of Japan

Undergraduate / CCAD personal, artistic, career goals [3]

I don't think you say enough about "why CCAD was selected as the place" ... you mention abstract things in that last paragraph, like maturity, outstanding work ethics, discipline, and moral responsibility, but these are so vague! They are meaningless. It is better if you discuss your artistic vision for creating your future, and discuss a few other schools you have considered... but then show that your creative vision for the future seems right when it includes CCAD. Really answer that question about why it is the best place. That way, the reader will care whether or not you get to go there.

Undergraduate / "a family meeting" - obstacle essay [5]

Hey, let's not be dissociating ourselves from our grandmother just because of an illness:
I will never forget the first day my father brought his brought my schizophrenic grandmother home to stay with us...
I don't think it was your intention to refer to her as if she was not your grandmother, but... it is better to refer to her as "yours" instead of his.

...we didn't have the money to afford a nursing home and my father's siblings relatives had seemed to turn a blind eye ... --------- Why tell the reader that you would have passed her along to a nursing home if you could have afforded it? It's better not to include that...

I thought that it was so unfair to have---- I agree, excessively harsh. I hope the last paragraph of this essay shows deep remorse for the selfish way of thinking that you had as a child. Your dad brought his sick mother to stay with you, and you were not supportive.

No, I guess it does not show deep remorse. If it did, it would be meaningful. And at the end of the essay I find myself not believing that it "was enough to bring about some more patience and compassion in me."

At the end of the essay, it seems like you are patting yourself on the back for being compassionate when you should be expressing real appreciation for your grandmother as a person. This essay will never be impressive until you are able to express real appreciation for your grandmother.

Undergraduate / Common App - Topic of Your Own Choice (How I Face Challenges) [3]

I am a quiet, seemingly innocuous (no comma necessary here) man who does not lurk in the shadows - waiting for my next victim to inevitably step into those detrimental shadows - but instead remains in the sunlight.

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
Studying is good, but relaxation is better.

I love it! Great job, you really will be showing them excellent creativity and focus. You write very well, too.

comma for the compound sentence:
The tests come back, and my challenge has been completed - my current victims, destroyed.

Undergraduate / "Magical Fluids": college admission essay. [7]

Well, a wave of something can strike you. But I don't know if you can be stricken with emotion. You can be stricken with grief, though, and grief is an emotion! I say "strike" is okay! But I do understand what fantasy is saying...

Poetry / analyse this poem -- walking in cluster of clouds [4]

Please spend a little more time helping other people. You only give one line of feedback! :-)

Is this about an experience you have when feeling love, or is it about love itself?

You should experiment with different numbers of syllables. The human ind likes patterns, so it is nice to use lines with the same number of syllables sometimes, and then break the pattern.

For good ideas, check out poetry by Keats. Google this: keats poetry

I like your colorful verbs.. glittered sprinkled strolling stolen.

:-)

Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

I think there is a better term to use than "the world."---The way material reality works is an enticing ... maybe like that? To say "the way the world works" brings to mind naive young people who "don't know how the world works."

Sharing my immutable passion with others and being to students what teachers have been to me, fills me with excitement about a future of utter fulfillment and pride.

:-)

Undergraduate / Eliot's "Prufrock"; College essay on literature that changed me [5]


Wow, I like it!

Change the structure ee:
Yet the reality is that I traveled to Ecuador and came home me; I did not stand atop a mountain and shout and pound my chest and find myself, but I know now that carretilla means...

It was weird the other way.
I think you need one more brilliant sentence after "moo at dawn," because those things you listed still don't add up to the emergence of "me," the self. How about one more sentence, but make this one about you.

When you write "I am eighteen," do it as a continuation of that previous paragraph, the short one. It is a good, short sentence to be included in that para about naivite.

This is great, great writing!

Undergraduate / My art works or my through the musically inclined voice, FSU Vires Artes Mores. [9]

Throughout my life I have realized what m Many of us figure this out only after many trials and struggles: We have to sacrifice to create the perfect life we deserve. Over the years humankind has demonstrated that ...

I think it's impressive! I don't think you should refer to "moral" strength, though, because the reader might think you have vires confused with mores.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay on::Success in any realm of life comes more often from taking .. [2]

Success is the ultimate goal most people work for. Success has its own definition and limits for individuals. Some of the people think getting a well-paying job is success whereas some think getting something renown by his/her work is most important.

The target which one sets and works for it is not a real success; it is just simple destination that they worked for with their pre-plan. Real success is...

These companies risk their money by investing in those topics or issues which were not used before and didn't have any success in the past. In most of the cases they get some success in their movie and get paid back.----I don't really understand this part! :-)

In the modern times many countries are taking their money and using it for various research projects. They believe in ...

Keep practicing! Read it aloud so your brain processes the correct ways. You have difficulty with plural nouns and past tense verbs.

:-)

Undergraduate / Teaching, advising, and mentoring - Smith Supplement to meet my academic goals [6]

Too general! Does the prompt really sk why it is "better" than other schools? If so, you need specific reasons. These thins you wrote could be written about any school.

What kind of psych do you prefer? Existential? behavioral? Whatever it is, you should have a few professors at this school that have written articles that really resonate with you.

What about this "open curriculum"... You can write a good sentence about why it is better than the curriculum at some other school to which you may have applied.

Imagine a friend shows up and asks you why this school is better... what is the real, simple reason? It might just be that it is the school that feels right. Give practical reasons, too, though.

:-)

Essays / Suggestions for "Theme for a bad news memo" [3]

Interesting assignment! Do you have class readings about this? What does the prof say?

I think this kind of memo should be serious and consoling. It should be clear and straightforward, because that shows respect to the reader.

Key words should be used to lift spirits. For example, several layoffs are taking place within the company, so we write:

XXXX Company is calling on you to be resilient and lift the spirits of your coworkers during this difficult time.

It is also good to be clear about the fact that you are suffering with them:
I know this is going to be difficult for everyone, and it pains me to think that this development might have been avoided.

Google this for a great example: Reagan address to the nation after challenger

Undergraduate / "Magical Fluids": college admission essay. [7]

Very nice beginning!
Use a comma:
People say that a man should be strong and courageous, but although I try my best I cannot endure the wave of tears striking me with emotion.

Usually, when you have a long sentence with any of these words -- and, but, or -- you need a comma.
"I know how to write compound sentences, and I always put a comma right after every conjunction."

My tears were unpredictable - they burst out regardless of time or place.

Keep it as "friends"
When my friends sometimes approached me and asked "Where is your mother?" I proudly answered them that she is in America studying a lot. But my friends looked...

My father dislikes seeing me cry.

This is my favorite essay ever! It is so real and honest. How about ending it with something about your chosen career path, something for someone sensitive and artistic?

:-)

Poetry / stair case to no where....5 senses [3]

Well, spelling is not a problem! Do you have microsoft word or any program with a spell checker? You have a writing style that is captivating. The simile you used, about kid with his blanket, is really touching.

Use apostrophes in "can't"
Spell crowd with no e
put an e in especially

Don't be so critical of your writing. Poetry is an echo of your stream of consciousness, the sound of your mind. It is not supposed to be perfect, but it has absolute value, same as you. I hope it is a big success!

Undergraduate / "to become acquainted with you as a person and student" - Personal Essay [3]


This is an important observation. It's a little presumptuous to say that you know how most students are, though, so you might want to revise so that it says, "My adviser pointed out to me that most students..."

This is relevant to some discussions I have had with Linmark lately, too!

I think you should not mention that you made the decision in kindergarten. It is much better to say the idea has been developing since grade school. To say that you stuck with an idea you had when you were 5 is not as impressive as saying you have been working toward this for, say, 8 years. It is a subtle difference! :-)

Near the beginning, I think you need to add some sentences about your teaching philsophy, your ideas about education reform efforts that have been made recently, and so forth. If you claim to be different from other students in teaching programs, prove it by discussing issues that aspiring teachers discuss. Google:

education reform major issues.
Also google:
philosophy of education

:-)

Writing Feedback / Maternity and faternity - correct my essay and give some suggestions [4]

I don't know if faternity is a word; do you mean paternity?

As far as this question is concerned, some discussion of the responsibilities of each one would clarify issue.

First of all, we all know that the basis of being parent is raising a child. That brings straightaway to our mind some duties have to be done with children.

Every sentence needs a verb, so write:
These include feeding, educating, saving them from danger, providing them with proper emotions, guiding them to let them leading lead their lives in best path, and being by their side until they are reliant. We could say these are the main priorities. (now write something about if fathers and mothers both do these things or if they are done more by one parent than the other.)

In many developed countries both sexes are even in rights, even though, in jobs. I don't know what this sentence means.

In my view, I believe that the mother should be celebrated for the historic, nurturing, maternal role, but that should not lead to ignorance about the significance of the role of father.

Essays / how to start an essay about a character in the story? [5]

What is the story? Who is the character?

Google the name of the story with the name of the character and the word "analysis"
Also try googling the name of the story and character and both words: character analysis

You will get to see what other scholars have written about the character. Your job is to see what they say, and write a paragraph about a point made by somebody. When you go back and read more of the story, you might decide that you agree or disagree. But read and read until you are an expert about it. Read the story, and read what people have written about the character by googling as I explained above.

:-)

Undergraduate / IUPUI: Personal letter about goals and values- Feedback [3]

Run on sentence:
In most of my childhood I was spoiled and wasn't exposed to many children my age; it was just me and my dad.

I fixed it with a semi-colon. Those are two complete sentences above, so you need to separate them with either a period or semi-colon.

Your intro sentences makes it sound like you are deaf and a musician. If that is not the case, I think you should come up with a different first sentence! It is not good to say what others should be able to do -- only what you can do.

In that second paragraph, you say you were among people with no plans for life, as if you were not like them but instead were influenced by them. The truth is probably that you and they were all in the same group and all directionless. So, the reader will probably appreciate your words more if you don't phrase it this way, putting the responsibility on them.

I think you should look at each paragraph and ask yourself if the message o the paragraph is an important part of the main idea you are going to convey. At the end of the reading, the reader will have taken only one idea from the essay, so decide what you want that single idea to be.

:-)

Graduate / SOP: M.Sc. in High Performance Computing from the University of Edinburgh [6]

It really is lean and mean. That first para takes the reader from your first experience at age 10, and makes us see a cyber cafe, and then brings us all the way to your current job, even including some mention of accomplishments. That is like the start of a good movie!

As it continues, you make a pretty strong case. I don't think I have any more ideas! It's great...

Undergraduate / Once The 'Me' Fought Its Way Out, Story of your life(Emerson Transfer Statement) [2]

The transformation you describe reminds me of something Eckhart Tolle wrote in the intro to the Power of Now -- something about a similar transformation that maybe will resonate with you if you read it.

I think the title is good but that you might come up with something even better if you look at it again later -- the Me had to more than fight it's way out.

The descriptions are excellent; the particular kind of anguish you write about it something that maybe involves parents preoccupied with their careers? Your descriptions are great, and this accomplish something a lot of admission essays don't, which is to actually be good, high-quality writing that is enjoyable for the average person to read. But in what other ways can you be impressive as you try to present yourself well? Can you add a new dimension to this by incorporating discussion of the career that you envision now that the Me has emerged? It is impressive to have a clear vision for the future.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The new use for salicylates reduce number of headaches [5]

When you say the evidence is not adequate to support the conclusion, it is a very simplistic argument. It is good as the second sentence of your intro, but not as the last sentence of the intro. Right now it is both the second and last sentence of the intro, and I suggest adding more clarifyng statements after that sentence. You should "sharpen" the thesis statement by trying to capture in a single sentence -- which you'll add to the end of the intro paragraph -- the nature of the misconception or inadequacy.

Oh, I see that this conclusion para is short, too. I think th intro should be 4 sentences, and the conclusio should be5 or 6 sentences. Add "something extra" in the conclusion.

I see that you write:
...to improve the validity of conclusion, much more work is to be done to specify the evidence and give supports to the assumptions.------ so, add a sentence to extend the intro para by making this same argument: it is not that the observations this guy made are wrong; it's that more work needs to be done in order to make a stronger case. So.. I suggest extending both the intro and the conclusion to strengthen this. It's very well-written already.

:-)

Book Reports / Writing an essay on Christpoher Boone (trouble getting started) [10]

If you haven't done much literary analysis in your English classes, this can seem hard. Whatexplanations has your teacher given about examples of such interpretation? Sometimes teachers don't explain very well, but... if you read the book and really enjoy it, you can discuss your interpretation.

What is an interpretation? It is the way something seems to you. How do you interpret a character like James Bond? I could discuss james Bond by talking about what the writers wanted to symbolize in creating such a character, or I could interpret HIM as if he were a real person -- and I could say, for example, that he may be very depressed and the only satisfaction he knows comes from showing himself to be a hero.

As you interpret this character, decide if you want to interpret the character as something the author created, or if you want to interpret him as an actual person. Start from there.

After you have written a little about him google this to get good ideas:

character analysis curious incident of the dog in the night time mark haddon

Speeches / Writing a speech on Queen Elizabeth I [3]


These are all true, but they are obvious. When you give a speech or essay, it's because you have something new to add to a discussion among people. So, your task is to make an interesting observation.

Sometimes it is interesting to compare her to someone else.
Sometimes it's interesting to come up with a word that perfectly describes her, and that word becomes the theme of your essay.

Look at interesting articles that have been written about her, and you'll see that the best ones have something that makes them (the article) unique.

All you have to do is read and read, and you'll come up with lots of great ideas about her. You can do it. You could even do it if it was college work. If you read every day you'll see that it is not that hard!

:-)

Undergraduate / Becoming a doctor - personal Letter about my future plans (Mount Ida College) [4]


No comma is necessary in the first sentence.
also, it seems wrong to say several reasons, because you list one big reason instead of naming several.

I am passionate about becoming a physician, because I want to make a difference in parts of the world where people are suffering. I want to make high quality medicine available to the children, women, an elders on the...

My passion for wanting to become a doctor began at the age of 10. I think you should replace this with a sentence that expresses something about the lack of medicine and physicians in developing parts of the world. It does not prove anything to say you wanted to be a physician at age 10. Focus on the purpose, your vision for the work you will do.

Excellent, this is all very impressive, and I am grateful that you are going to make such a difference in the world. If you are really passionate about helping those in need, you don't have to wait until your education is complete. Soon, you wll have opportunities to travel and help as a student.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why I want to study engineering- Poly NYU Personal Statement [3]

Try to cut out the unnecessary, wordy stuff at the beginning. Get right to the meaningful observation that you are making:
When someone asks a child, "What will you be when you grow up?" They are not usually looking for an accurate answer. What people want to hear is the possibility of what life can bring you, and what you can bring yourself. They are looking for some kind of reassurance that youth is still innocent of the world, and that dreams can come true.

My goal is to earn an undergraduate degree in engineering and then begin my graduate studies as I enter into a field that I adore.

Writing Feedback / "Imagination is not enough. Knowledge is necessary." - GAMSAT essay practices [4]

Yes, I'll try to clean it up:
Imagination and knowledge. These two things are the most important things resources for us as we proceed further and become successful.

But it is not good to imply that Einstein may have had no imagination. Maybe it is good to simplify the sentence and do this:

If a genius is full of facts but has no imagination, or if an artist has no factual knowledge to communicate with others, only the half of human potential is being used.

But this is obviously true, so why write about it? O, I see why! It is to express something about the significance of these 2 as the 2 sides of intelligence. So, add one more sentence to the intro para. Make it a thesis statement that boldly affirms what you are saying about these two things.

:-)

Essays / Recreation and poverty essay...Need review [4]

Hi Michelle, I'm sorry! I think I accidentally posted this when I was just beginning to work on it! I'll finish my comments below:

Many people like to do this think where they start with a paragraph that consists of only one sentence, but if you are trying to demonstrate good composition, do an intro para of 4-5 sentences.

In this case, the thing to do is extend that intro sentence into a whole paragraph. Do that by adding a sentence that conveys, in a single sentence, what the message of the essay is. Add that to the intro para. Then, add ANOTHER sentence that explains and clarifies what you said even better. After you do that, the second paragraph will serve as evidence to support the argument you are making.

But is that second para even necessary? It is a lot of statements of the obvious. The whole para is quite obvious. What are you really trying to say? We all know, for example, that local property value determines the school budget, so this is clearly an advantage for the rich kids. But don't spend a whole para telling the reader that wealthy areas have an advantage.

I see that you have many statements of the obvious. Go through this and remove those so that it is all interesting! A common problem people have when they are not in practice as writers is to write things that are too obvious to ever say aloud.

This below is a 2 sentence paragraph. What is it's main idea? Add a topic sentence to the beginning of it:
There are many private organizations, often focus their donations to specific institute or religious groups which still leaves some of the poorest without. There are also some areas that have missions that offer recreational activities.

I'm glad you are participating here! Thanks for helping these other writers, you are great. Please help lots of other people if you have time. :-)

Writing Feedback / 'no control' - The mass media and their influence on people's ideas [7]

Good question! Well, I had to look up execrable, ha ha! Excessive does work here, even though it usually means "too much." It really works well here.

A simpler way that is not quite as interesting as your idea for using excessive is to say "exaggerating:
"In my opinion, it would not be exaggerating to say that they have a great ...

Writing Feedback / My best friend (despite of living in different countries) [5]

Friendship is good if we have a special friend. In our childhood we have lots of friends, but that doesn't mean they all are our best friends. A best friend is someone special for you.

Always use a capital letter when a new sentence starts:
She was so honest, with good behavior and also very friendly. W hen we were together we used to play ball, jump rope, hide and sick and different kinds of playing.

... continued our playing .

Hanna was also so kind to me. When Hanna's mother gave her something to eat, she saved to me and brought to me while we mate again. She did this almost all the time. That was so nice of her.

Keep it in the past verb tense:
We shared everything we had, and we also exchanged gifts with each other. We also went together to watch movies.
Past tense:
We were friends since we were little girls.

Nice! Keep practicing English!

Undergraduate / "education" is little more than an expensive isolation - essays for Stanford. [5]

Put that comma inside the quotes. also, why capitalize economist and not writer! We writers might take offense! :-)

from reality," said Thomas Sowell, an American writer and economist . This is especially true for new graduates who do not have the slightest idea of what the real world is like.

future in the fields of medicine, environment and health care.

I am not sure how to fix this stuff below. It is confusing:
Certainly, while I am at school, I always have to bear in mind that, besides the course work, I also have to plan my internshi p so that I do not lose sight of my education. Transferring to a higher education institution will guarantee me with my goal. With the unlimited resources and knowledgeable professors of the university, I believe that I can fulfill my goal of balancing between my education and reality.

:-)

Undergraduate / "An entrepreneur at heart" - economics, reasons for transferring, objectives [8]

discovered that Penn State was discontinuing its ____________ couldn't offer me opportunities, models and tools I needed to broaden my knowledge of economics and gain a competitive edge in the business world. I think it is not good to say something critical without backing it up. Of course, you do back it up in the next para, but for a moment after the intro para ends, the reader is saying, "Oh, is that right? These are very general and abstract allegations!"

So how about simply ending the first para with the statement that the econ. program was bing discontinued. Then you can use the first sentence of the next para for something different -- some very interesting observation about the truth underlying the events.

:-)