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Posts by mmmargarita
Joined: Aug 23, 2009
Last Post: Dec 29, 2009
Threads: 10
Posts: 68  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 78 / page 2 of 2
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mmmargarita   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Visionary, honest, oriented' - What five words best describe you? (300 chars or less) [7]

Agree with the above commenter, I like how you worded it.

The other words, though, like persistent, goal oriented, are very commonly used, almost cliched. Also, they're very similar; I'd use the chance to replace one of these, you want to be as efficient w/ expressing yourself as possible, and by that I mean maximizing what you communicate w/ the word limit you're given. If you can think of a more unique explanation for whichever word you keep, it would be much improved.

Regarding the formatting, I believe it's fine. But, my suggestion would be to use colons, ie

Honest: blah blah blah

You can minimize character limits this way and hopefully use those extra characters to elaborate more.
mmmargarita   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / common app short answer - getting over fear of talking on phones [17]

Hi everyone! Back again with a short answer...this is actually my 2nd short answer. The first one was about persistence, which I decided (after I submitted it ED T.T) was too generic and not personal enough. So here's my second shot. I'm really stuck on how to finish the last sentence w/o it sounding cliche. I'm shooting for something along the lines of "i had gained self confidence, blah blah." Thanks in advance!

It's also about 10 words over the limit, so I'd appreciate advice about where to cut.

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

"Hi-my-name-is-Maretta-Fan-I'm-calling-on-behalf-of-Fashion-for-A-Caus e."
"Whoa, slow down!"
I sighed: how much longer until I conquered my phobia of phone calls? In person, I enjoyed nothing more than conversation. But through a plastic device, I regarded each word with apprehension. How could I accurately express myself and evaluate others with only a voice stripped of facial expressions and body language?

Yet, as a dedicated FAC member, I would phone-bank until guaranteed results. As nerve-wracking as each conversation felt, I was exposed to a plethora of voices through which I honed my skills of detecting and dissecting verbal nuances. My fear of being judged immunized by the prospect of donations, I concentrated on maximizing the efficiency of my own words. When I became committee head a year's worth of calls later, I could have kissed that plastic device. Through learning to view sound as multidimensional, I had both discovered the wealth of knowledge that voice alone held and gained the confidence to communicate through any medium.
mmmargarita   
Nov 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "I want to succeed for all those women" - my personal statement... [6]

I'm surprised that no one has pointed this out yet, but your essay doesn't quite fit the prompt. The prompt is asking you to write about a "personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you" - none of wich you clearly mention, except maybe your drive for success as a personal quality, which really isn't a "quality" to begin with. You focus more on your background, and how that shapes your aspirations. You could still use parts of this essay, maybe by focusing on a quality such as "motivation" or "passion." Or, you could make it clear that the experience is the important part, and provide an anecdote about a conversation with your grandmother (the experience) and elaborate on how it relates to you.
mmmargarita   
Nov 14, 2009
Scholarship / UW Honors/ Good citizenship comes from good scholarship [2]

Overall, you've done a good job answering the prompt. The one thing that struck me was how much your essay sounds like a text book; in fact, I recognized several key terms from my AP gov book (;. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, espeically since your argument is really interesting and fitting, but you could add more voice to your writing.

Another thing: you tend to use lengthy sentences with lots of adjectives and words in which the reader could get a bit lost. For example:

"The statement reflects the intended message that the more knowledgeable a person has about his/her surroundings and the society they belong to, the greater constructive impact they will have on these same spheres of life." -> This statement reflects the belief that the more knowledgeable a person is about his/her surroundings, the greater a constructive impact he/she will have on society.

Basically, play around with sentence structure so it's not just long line after long line.
mmmargarita   
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Go-go the suprising culture- UVA supplement essay [6]

This has a 250 word limit, right? I'd use up as much of that space as I can and elaborate on the "what way" part of the question. You've done a good job of the first part, the "what," but you didn't talk about the effect it had on you.
mmmargarita   
Nov 12, 2009
Student Talk / Common app - I only 150 words, but a minimum was 250. [16]

I heard that somebody contacted a university when he/she realized there were a lot of mistakes on the supplement essay, and the uni said he could fax over the new version. I think if you contact the uni you applied to, they would allow you to do the same. Don't give up!
mmmargarita   
Nov 12, 2009
Undergraduate / double or single-spaced & attach my resume? - Application Questions... [9]

I actually had the same question as you regarding the resume. After doing a bit of research (ie college confidential), I've found that the general consensus is to not attach a resume unless you have so many committments that they can't possibly be fit in the 7 boxes. The downside is that some students attach a resume with every single thing they've ever done, which is just unecessary and annoying. However, I'd say take advantage of the "additional information" box if you need to elaborate on the activities you listed. For example, if you did a lot for one activity and can't fit in the line, then elaborate, but don't be repetitive. Also, you can list one-time service projects in the add. info section.

And yes, if you're referring to the activities section of the common app, what you said above would be correct.
mmmargarita   
Nov 10, 2009
Undergraduate / "politically and internationally savvy people" - What Interests You About GW? [5]

You've done a really good job with this. The first two paragraphs seem fine to me; I like how you connect your experience with DC to what you hope to find at GW. The last paragraph, though, you should elaborate on. Maybe pick one or two specific programs that interest you and explain how those would help you achieve your goals and "become the kind of man I have always hoped to be." <- The last sentence is a bit vague. What kind of man d'you want to be? I don't recall you having talked about this in the rest of your essay. I'm sure you could tie it in, but be more specific.
mmmargarita   
Nov 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / compare between your childhood and right now. [16]

There is a massive run on sentence...

Two days before thetT hanksgiving, my mother asked me to bring the roaster pan from the basement, I went there and took a small candle with me, be cause there was no light in the basement,wW hen I found the roaster pan, I saw an album on the top of it,;in the beginningat first I ignored it, thenand I took the roaster pan up stairs to my mother, but I forgot the small candle, so I had to go back and bring it. When I picked it up I noticed the picture that was on the cover of the album,: it was for me when I was a child.of me as a child.
mmmargarita   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "patience" - I understood the true meaning and the benefits of maintaining it. UVA supplement essay! [7]

Much better! A few more suggestions:

Jealousy was not the feelingpossibly change to emotion to avoid repetition? I felt but a sense of weariness:as in why my family was not worthy of a bigger home? .

Also, is there a word limit on this essay, and how close are you to it? If there's any extra space, you could elaborate more how on your experiences shaped you - more about how you apply your hard-earned sense of patience to other areas of your life?
mmmargarita   
Nov 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "patience" - I understood the true meaning and the benefits of maintaining it. UVA supplement essay! [7]

As theAbraham said, the biggest problem is the comma usage. Almost every sentence is a comma splice, which quickly gets frustrating for the reader and takes away from the impact of your experience. Fix the comma splices and everything will sound 10x better.

Having to sleep on the floor because there was limited amount of space, my experience at my old house was a struggle. Your experience didn't sleep on the floor, you did.

Every time I brought up this issue, my parents repeated the same word every time , "patience ". This patience was tested to its limits; I was getting to point where I almost gave up on patience . Try to cut down on the repetition.
mmmargarita   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / GLBT issue involvement stems from minor assault - UF essay [3]

I liked this a lot! I know that's not terribly constructive, but it was sweet and to the point. There was good variety of both vocab and sentence structure. You did a good job of answering the question, although I would add one or two more sentences about how you would contribute to the UF community. A few other suggestions:

It was a morning in the fall of my 8th grade year that forever changed my outlook on life -> My outlook on life was forever changed by a fall morning in 8th grade.

I furiously questioned Junior about what he was accused of, and he willingly admitted to the assault. You should probably change this word. It's only one word, but it left me with a negative impression.

As all reasonable hope of justice was squandered, a feeling of hopelessness fell upon us, and that is- a feeling that I remember to this day.
mmmargarita   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Duke Supplemental (the stimulants of mind) [4]

Hmm, the whole thing is a bit vague. I like how you mentioned the unique perspectives in the first two sentences, maybe you could base your essay on that instead of jumping around. The first sentence seems to have been regurgitated by the thesaurus, I'm sure you can get your point across in a much more succint manner.

This sentence structure is awkward: "It is an institution that prospers economic thought which is something I have a life long goal of pursuing to its greatest existence." Prosper can't be used in this sense - you don't "prosper" something in the sense that you "cultivate" it.

Also, you threw me off with "divine intervention of a University" and the continuing discussion of divinity. Are you comparing the university to a higher power, ie God? I don't see how a school can be a divine intervention, or how a school can have faith in its divinity o.O
mmmargarita   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Asian American living in a city" - common app diversity essay [3]

Well, the whole "yellow in a white city" concept is pretty interesting, but I felt like the last half of your paragraph is redundant. You don't need to talk about your school activites, ie news anchor or volleyball, NHS, etc, or your academic performance, since all that information should be obvious from the activities section of your common app and your school transcript. Give them something they can't find anywhere else in your app!
mmmargarita   
Oct 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Suppliment, my mom [3]

As soon as I stepped into the admissions office at Brown University, my Mom handed me the most recent issue of the student-published Brown Jug. Before my information session had even begun I had perused and often laughed out loud at most of its contents. And by the time the tour came aroundbegan , I had already finished it and had set my mind on being a part of it. Since I was a kid I have been reading political satire, such as The Onion, and I have always dreamed of one day creating political and social satire for people to enjoy.

There you go for starters. You can go through the rest of your essay and eliminate all the unecessary words. A lot of the time you can get your idea across in a much more succint manner.
mmmargarita   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Supplement - What is the best piece of advice you've been given and why [4]

I actually like your take on this. The piece of advice being "take advice" is pretty unique. In order to make it longer, you should use more specific examples. For instance, talk about a time when you didn't want to take someone's advice because you were determined to figure the problem out for yourself. Or, elaborate on the "advice about school work from teachers."
mmmargarita   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / yale supplement -- i am defined by who i actually am [4]

While I did learn a lot of interesting, quirky things about you, I'm not sure the "cram a million things about me" approach is going to work here. It just seems like a long list of things that you'd tell to a new friend, not something you'd tell to try to convince someone to admit you to a college. Should they admit you over someone else because you like Nutella and mac'n'cheese? I get that you have a diverse range of interests, but perhaps you should focus on one and really dive into it.
mmmargarita   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Diligent. Inspirational. Open minded - Three words to describe me [5]

How are you inspirational? How do you inspire people? I didn't see any examples or explanation of this in your essay.

For the first paragraph, give some specific examples of your diligence. Anyone can claim they are diligent, but its the proof that counts. Same goes for the second paragraph, and the third paragraph. You make a lot of statements but don't back them up.

Also, I don't see how the last paragraph relates to the prompt, which I assume is "pick three words to desribe yourself." You could do away with it and have more room to elaborate on the above.
mmmargarita   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / ESL teacher, Paul Thomas was the funniest person I ever knew ; My best teacher [17]

"his class was fun and interesting. he was helpful, knowledgeable, and funny at the same time."
Show, don't tell! If you have more room to work with, give examples of this. Or perhaps, you should take this bit out and replace it with something more related to the rest of your paragraph. The introduction can be about how he was always willing to help out and lend a hand, etc.

By the way, what is the prompt?
mmmargarita   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Lianhegonghui Volunteer League- extracurricular activity [4]

There are a quite a few grammatical erros. For example, I set up the Lianhegonghui Volunteer League in grade 10the grade to draw more attention and offer more chances for my schoolmates to become involved in community service and volunteer activities, and; I served as the president of the SUS for a year.

What is the SUS? I'm guessing it's the same thing as the Lianhegonghui Volunteer Leaguem, but you should clarify this.

Also, most importantly, you didn't describe what this activity meant to you, what you learned from it, or how it changed you. I know the prompt says "elaborate" on an activity, but that doesn't mean just describe *what* it is. You could get all this information from, say, a generic pamphlet about the organization. Make it more personal.
mmmargarita   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Bucknell Essay; life along with death has always interested me [2]

I'd take out of the part about Mr. Zimmerman. Right now it seems as if the only reason you like Biology is because of a teacher, which is rather inadequate. It seems like you would enjoy any subject in which there are riveting lectures or passionate teachers. Write about why YOU personally are passionate about it.

These parts can be cut: "with my two years of Chemistry" "and because of that, I have always excelled in" All this info should already be apparent on your transcript. Tell them something that they won't get from the rest of your file.

The last sentence doesn't really answer the prompt. It's asking you why you chose your major, not why Bucknell is the school you chose. You can cut it out and leave more room for elaborating on the actual question.
mmmargarita   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / '/RISD Dual Program' - Brown Supplement-------Why Brown? [3]

Grammatical errors aside, I'm not sure your first paragraph conveys the right attitude. When I went to the Brown info session, the admissions officer emphasized that the purpose of the open curriculum wasn't to let students cop out of classes they hate, but to take all the classes they love. So you may want to rethink the last part of your anecdote about physics.

The second paragraph..
it indeed unfastened my cumulative worries. I don't understand this sentence at all.
How does it "unfasten" your worries? We don't even know what worries you're referring to.

I really loved art design, especially watercolor painting Be careful with your tense. It should be present, unless you currently don't like art design, which would make this paragraph pointless.

However, the older I am, the more fascinations I discover in this world. However, the older I grow, the more fascinations I discover in the world. You should probably change "fascinations," it doesn't make sense here.

( In China, most athletes started professional training at a very young age and often dropped the regular studies).This sentence is unecessary.

I think you also ought to elaborate on what the Brown/RISD program will do for you in terms of your interest in art.
mmmargarita   
Oct 23, 2009
Undergraduate / I always try staying responsible for the actions I take and the words I speak - my father influence [3]

One thing I noticed throughout your essay was the wordiness. You could cut some of the adjectives out and focus more on the verbs/nouns. For example,

Living in such such an egocentric environment we dwell in , we are prone to thinking that responsibility is rather an unnecessary factor for inmaking us succeed in lifesuccess .

Also, your last sentence is rather weak.
"To sum up, my father has influenced me with his especially responsible character and I really thank him for doing so. "

It sounds like the conclusion of the stereotypical 5 paragraph formal essay. Try to think of a more unique way to end the essay; you want to leave the reader with a better impression.

Edited to add...Whether or not I'm justified in saying this, the topic you chose to write about seems cliche and overused. It doesn't really offer anything unique about yourself, and it doesn't tell the admins much about yourself that would make them take special interest in you. Do you feel like this piece represents all you have to offer? After all, you will be potentially submitting it to every single college you apply to.
mmmargarita   
Oct 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Promotion of higher thinking' - stanford a good place for you - edit [10]

Aside from what others have mentioned, I would add in more specifics about Stanford. Your description of research facilities and famous professors could apply to any other top-tier school. This sentence "This is a place where dreams become tangible and one person's efforts really can cause a ripple effect of change" is too vague. Maybe you could look up a few unique programs that Stanford offers that interests you.
mmmargarita   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Sarcastic Common Application Essay [7]

I have yet to read your whole essay, so I can't judge it properly. But regarding this line:
"Sure, I have had a rigorous and through high school career, diverse extracurricular activities and hobbies, a blended culture and deep insatiable passion for medicine- but sureley these things don't make me stand out"

I get where you're coming from with the sarcastic approach, but the problem is, a lot of other applicants will have 3 of the 4 things you mentioned: they will have a challenging curric, diverse ECs, and be passionate about a particular field, especially if you plan on applying to top schools.
mmmargarita   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford short answer. My favorite books, Spending my summers riding and JFK [6]

I'd suggest NOT using the same answer for how you spent your last summer and your favore events. This is a chance to show the admins all you can about yourself, so why would you waste space by stating the same thing when you could be exposing other sides? Take advantage of that. Also, not sure I'd use "sparkly" for one of your five words. What does that mean? That you have shiny skin, or that you have an effervescent personality? Pick something less ambiguous. Also, I'm not sure you ought to use intriguing, especially referring to Batman, which doesn't make much sense to me. Everyone is intruging to some degree. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I'd go with classic either. These adjectives don't really say anything about you...

Also, you could elaborate on your trip to Ireland a bit, seeing as how you have extra space.
mmmargarita   
Oct 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Looking for advice on one sentence of admission essay [7]

I had to read it through twice before understanding what you meant to say; it's awkward. Here's my suggestion for the revision.

I eventually concluded that my eventual degree pursuit, Business Administration - one of the integral parts of American, even global, history - has stood the test of time, been an aid in developing the world as we know it today and has no foreseeable end as long as mankind exists.

The only problem is that the revision and the original don't have *quite* the exact same meaning. In the revision, you come to a conclusion about business admin, but in the original, you conclude that the answer that fits all of the qualities you described *is* business admin. Also, I'm not sure if the sentence is "parallel." Sorry I can't help more.
mmmargarita   
Sep 27, 2009
Undergraduate / UNC "identify with a villian" [4]

I've revised it a bit and tried to make it more personal. I guess I interpreted the prompt a little more broadly than it was...
mmmargarita   
Sep 27, 2009
Undergraduate / UNC "identify with a villian" [4]

Thanks for the suggestions. I was a bit confused about the prompt as well, since first it asks whether I "identify" and later asks how the character "appealed" to me, which are two very different things.
mmmargarita   
Sep 26, 2009
Undergraduate / UNC "identify with a villian" [4]

Hi again. The UNC supplement was probably one of the most diffiult to write. It took me forever to think of an idea, and I wasn't quite sure how to spin it so that I didn't look like I admired the traits of a stereotypical villain. My major concerns right now are that 1. I answer the prompt but wrote enough about me 2. cohesion 3. show not tell. Regarding 3, I feel like my entire 1/2 paragraph is to "tell" and not enough "show". Also, I'm not sure if this is too much of a character analysis vs a personal essay. Thanks in advance.

University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill: It's easy to identify with the hero--the literary or historical figure who saves the day. Have you ever identified with a figure who wasn't a hero--a villain or a scapegoat, a bench-warmer or a bit player? If so, tell us why this figure appealed to you--and if your opinion changed over time, tell us about that, too.

I sigh and flop down on the couch, allowing my body to sink into the velvet cushions. The last eight hours was surely the most melodramatic high school day in the past four years. The disaster that was Homecoming asking week - advertised as promising happy endings for all - had played out like a poorly written comedy, filled with awkward moments that failed to amuse, only to frustrate. Here we were, almost adults, and still laden with the plights of socially inept middle schoolers. I absentmindedly turn on the TV, seeking solace, and flick through the channels until a melodic jingle, promoting the fictional company Veridian Dynamics, signals the start of my Thirty Minutes of Bliss, better known as the comedy "Better Off Ted."

From the depths of the high definition screen appears a tall, precisely poised woman in an elegant dress suit. Veronica Palmer, executive at Veridian Dynamics, rarely lets her hair down. The sleek knot atop her head is the icing on the cake of a frosty and highly efficient corporate mistress. Her willingness to scheme for dominance in the corporate world daunts everyone, from the cowering human resources director to the scientists who lose their speech ability in her presence. Ninety-nine percent of her actions are rooted in primitive drives: her insatiable hunger for success, which propels her to feed her sister in her sleep in order to remain the thinner sibling, resembles wolves vying for alpha status in the wild. Veronica Palmer is uncomplicated; her motivations are blatant and unrestricted by the morals and conscience that cause most people inner turmoil.

She is a breath of fresh air for anyone who has experienced the ups and downs of adolescence. Countless times in the past four years, I've closed my eyes, crossed every crossable body part, and wished that life were simpler. I've wished that dilemmas between friends due to conflicting romantic interests could be played out in black and white, and that tactless but well-meaning adults could be categorized simply as good or bad. I've wished that I could understand the reasons behind mood swings and tantrums, conformity to cliques and mindless recklessness. Veronica Palmer, on the other hand, can be explained in plain terms. She acts purely based on logic and follows the principles of cause and effect, even to a fault. She provides relief from the emotional complexity that is both a blessing and a curse in reality. When I'm unsure if tomorrow will serve up more petty arguments with my parents over the difference between B pluses and A's, she reassures with her predictability and unwavering course of action. For one carefree hour each week at 8:00 pm, I can escape to Veronica's mind and emerge refreshed, having digested a good dosage of sanity and common sense.

Aside from providing a mental breather, the character of Veronica Palmer appeals to my inner romantic. Since poring over a memoir on drug addiction in middle school, I've held that the individuals society normally labels as "bad" are simply misjudged. I trust that even "bad guys" posses sympathetic human nature that allows them to identify with others. From a psychological viewpoint, I believe that altruism threads all humans together and provides innate acuity into others' mental and emotional states. As well-written "bad guys" should, Veronica serves as this reminder that we are all human - all descended from the same ancestor. When Veronica committed the ultimate office faux-pas and had an affair with her subordinate, she surrendered her goal-oriented mentality to instantaneous gratification. The spontaneous affair didn't do anything for her beyond superficial satisfaction; it lacked a definite purpose. It didn't further her company's rank, earn her a raise, or sell a million new products. Despite her scrupulous and robotic nature, Veronica maintains a shred of humanity through the "mistake" that she made in letting her guard down. She represents the ideal notion that even the "bad guys" are vulnerable - making them not so different from the rest of us. Although this gaffe accounts for only a miniscule part of her personality, it cultivates my faith in a universal human bond.
mmmargarita   
Sep 25, 2009
Undergraduate / 'My boss's head to explode' - Dairy Queen UF essay [5]

I really enjoyed reading this. I love how you draw the connections between that night at work, your AP psych lesson, and your goals in life. I think in this situation, the anecdote works well as a vehicle for getting your point across. The one thing I would suggest is to expand on the second part of the prompt: how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. The balance between your experience and the effect is a bit off right now (4 paragraphs to 1/2). Also, I didn't see much about how this experience affected your contribution to UF, what unique qualities you would bring. Good luck!
mmmargarita   
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / "My passion for hockey" ; extracurricular activity [5]

I think the first paragraph is fine. The narrative style draws the reader in and it does relate to the prompt (the feeling you get on the ice = why you continued with it) even if you don't explicitly state so.

As I havehad not been exposed to hockey before, I was curious about how it was played and decided to take it up as my extra-curricular activity in junior college.
mmmargarita   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Music, Libra, Science - Common App// Topic of Choice [16]

I'm not sure if I agree with dccb. I think the format of your essay is definitely unique, with the transitive property guiding the format; it's a clever format to use but the reader (admissions officer) sort of has to figure out your message by him/herself. The points come together at the end nicely, though. I think in this case it may be okay to omit the classic introduction.

I mean, I could discuss the mechanics of music and the frequency of the pitch of my voice in relation to how my ear processes the sound...

During the sixth grade, I started to develop a real interest forin science

As I entered high school, I tried numerous clubs and activities, but doing a research project was by far my most favorite extra curricular-and that's when I knew, I had found my niche.

There are just some little things like above that you could eliminate (fluff words, etc)
mmmargarita   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

Another question...I think I'm getting more paranoid the more I think about this. I was reading the College Board college app essay guide and the author made a point about narrative essays (which I believe mine is):

"a narrative story may survive without an introduction. this format requires readers to go some distance on faith. this strategy can make a very effective *short* college essay, but it puts a significant burden on the reader and is best reserved for occasional use."

Whew. What are your opinions on this?
mmmargarita   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

^What? Bribary on EF? I'm apalled.

Anyway, thanks for the categorization help. Notoman - either you have incredible inference skills or I'm clueless about what my essay actually says. I am female and short, I do live in the Fairfax suburbs,and my dad does work for the government. It's amusing how I add in all that info without realizing it.
mmmargarita   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

Thanks so much for the help everyone; definitely took those suggestions. One more question: do you guys feel as if it tells enough about me, as a person? After all, that's what the essay is for. Also, I'm not sure whether it fits under the "significant experience" prompt or the "other" prompt. Any feedback would be great.
mmmargarita   
Aug 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

Hi all! I'm new here and I thought I'd post the first drat of my common app essay and get some feedback. I'm not quite sure which topic it fits under, though. I had originally intended it to be about an experience and how it influenced me. I'm most concerned that 1. theres too much narrative/unrelated info and 2. there's not enough about the impact on me. The introduction sentence wasn't meant to be vulgar, more to catch attention. I'd really appreciate any advice.

----
"If you want, you can help me weigh these testicles, unless you think it's gross."
For a moment, I almost forgot what I was doing, my mind a whirlwind of adrenaline. Plastic coveralls and a smock bunched up around the elastic of my shoe covers and latex gloves; a plastic splash shield and tuberculosis mask were tied firmly around my head. The walls and floor glowed sparkly white from the overhead lights reflecting off the metal carts, and the hybrid scent of bleach and formalin hung in the air like an omnipresent chemical cloud.

I eagerly turned towards the resident and accepted the slimy pieces of flesh in my own hands. So far I had only spent three days at my summer internship, but I had already caught the opportunity to scrub in on a genuine autopsy. As I stood on tip toes to watch the resident dissect the valves of the deceased man's heart, I could only think about how lucky I was to have such an up close and personal experience with science.

Alas, not all of my eight-hour days spent at the pathology and laboratory medicine wing of the Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Washington D.C. were as anecdote-worthy. Most days, I felt less than enthusiastic about working in a windowless underground clinical lab while my friends were supposedly making groundbreaking discoveries at their big-name research labs.

Perhaps the least enjoyable day on the job came only a few days after I had assisted with the autopsy. I was still on high, all smiles and flushed cheeks, wondering what other adventures were just around the corner. Maybe another autopsy, in which I'd hold organs that had once propelled the force of life? Or maybe a brain cutting conference, which I'd later brag to my neuroscience-fanatic friends about? But the only sights that greeted me as I walked briskly to my corner office that morning were aged, metal, and asparagus-green: slide filing cabinets. I had noticed the cabinets sitting in the room outside my office from day one, but I had never given them more than a second glance. As luck would have it, I would have an entire eight hours to get to know them - very, very intimately.

That entire day, aside from a lunch that I tried in van to draw out as long as possible with Herculean effort, I transported, reorganized, filed, and re-filed what must have been a few hundred drawers of glass slides. There were autopsy slides, cytology slides, and pathology slides that dated back to the eighties, which all had to be filed in chronological and alphabetical order, by case and patient's last name. By four o'clock, I knew those file cabinets like the back of my hand. When my father picked me up at the Metro station, I moaned and groaned about my cut fingers and sore shoulders as long as he would listen, and probably more.

The next day at the hospital was a rather slow one; there weren't many cases to be reviewed, and much less any autopsies to be performed. I had plenty of time to swivel around in my chair and do some quality thinking. The dates scribbled on the autopsy slides crept into my mind; some of the slides were almost three decades old, nearly double my lifespan and more time than I could effortlessly wrap my mind around. Contemplating the ocean of records that those filing cabinets alone held was slightly overwhelming; I felt as if I were standing at the edge of a canyon that deserved more respect than I gave it. What, I wondered, had made me so uninclined towards those slides in the first place? Was it because I had inadvertently associated mindlessly torturous tasks with the slides?

In my rush to selfishly protest and whine, I had been unfair. I realized that, whether dissecting tissue in the formalin smelling autopsy room or rearranging slides for the millionth time in the stifling storage room, what I had done would be a valuable, albeit small, part of the hospitals history. The significance of a task isn't dictated by how mundane or exciting it is, much less in a place where the mundane involves handling the building blocks of life. The information contained within those asparagus-colored metal walls held more potential and wealth than I could fathom. Wedged between those glass slides that I proclaimed a nuisance so often after nicking my fingers were the DNA of past patients; the "nuisances" were precious clues left behind, clues that would fill in the gaps of current cases, clues that would serve as keystones for current research projects, clues that would remain longer than any of us. No, the significance of a task can't be fully determined until many years later, when my much-bemoaned organization could facilitate locating slides that could contribute to a life-saving diagnosis.

On the last day of my internship, as I bid adieu to the filing cabinets, now my best bosom buddies, it dawned on me that the truly up close and personal - and unexpected - experience I had with science had presented itself in the form of a 3 x 1 inch microscopic slide.

---
I think I should add something like "The next time I approach a tedious task..." but I'm not sure where it would fit.

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