Writing Feedback / A gap year might bring both benefits and severe detrimental effect to students - IELTS essay [3]


This sentence above is quite long. One interesting thing about language is that when we're learning it we want to master it so that we can type long, complicated sentences -- but then we discover that shorter sentences are better. That's why Yoda uses short sentences. : ) So I truly think you will always have better outcomes when you keep sentences a bit shorter and simpler. They impact the reader's mind more, because they are easier to decipher.

At the end of the first paragraph, I think you should add one sentence that succinctly expresses the main idea you are expressing in the essay. Give a sentence that expresses the most important message of the essay.

You don't have many mistakes, but you can improve the style here with number agreement:

applying for a job at an office is an effective way.

Here is some advice about the word 'since":
Since The environment of the offices office will provide youngsters a big chance to work with people from different backgrounds as well as obtain real experience for their chosen major at the universities. --- When you use the word 'since' this way, it must be in the middle of a sentence.

Example: Office jobs offer learning experiences, since many professionals work together.
It is better to use 'because': Office jobs offer learning experiences, because many professionals work together.
If you start a sentence with 'since' or 'because', it must be like this: Since I work in an office, I learn a lot.
Because is better: Because I work in an office, I learn a lot.
The word 'since' more correctly refers to something about time: I have learned a lot since I started my office job.
Or: Apple has never been the same since Steve Jobs passed away.

Despite these attractions, however, some drawbacks do exist. --- Great sentence. Also, it's smart that you acknowledged the opposite argument.

Letters / Formal Letter to a Lawyer - some health issues should be discussed [3]

***It might be better to call him Attorney Myers instead of Zack. If his full name is Zachary he might not even go by Zack.

This letter is already well-written, so I'll offer some ideas that might make it more succinct. The fact that it is a long and detailed letter attests to the respect and appreciation you're trying to convey, but we still may be able to make it more succinct.

Due to the respectable restrictions put in place by ...

...until the at least their the 4th week of ...

...my campus to rather gather my belongings

I followed up my next mornings with a well-needed rest and an the next morning with an urgent appointment at my doctor's ...

Now with all that being said, I feel more stabilized both mentally and physically now, and ...

and hold the up-most utmost respect

If you have any thoughts in on this, please feel free to share. You may c...

***Okay, so some of those corrections above are grammar corrections. This is already written quite well, though. I hope you'll have great outcomes in this letter and with the whole situation.

Writing Feedback / Some people argue using a cleaner energy to protect the environment [4]

The most important thing to do is practice typing these sentences after you make the corrections.

So for example, with Michele's correction you can practice typing this sentence a few times, and read it aloud:
During last century, industrial developments have brought prosperity worldwide.
I think typing the sentence and speaking the sentence are the most effective ways to program yourself with good grammar habits.

Here is another correction:
People learn lessons from studying history, and ...

You asked about structure and style. You already seem to understand what it means to have good structure. In English, good structure often involves being able to express your whole idea in one sentence. You did that very well in the sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Another way to improve the structure would be to add 1 or 2 more sentences to the conclusion paragraph. The conclusion paragraph can restate your main idea in a different way to help the reader understand it, but then you can also add something extra. You can make the conclusion paragraph really interesting if you add a comment about what we might be able to accomplish by shifting to renewable energy. What differences will it make for the children of our generation's children, for example.

Before this kind of replacement is accessible to most people, traditional energy is still a dispensable will remain an indispensable...

: ) Thanks for sharing this essay.

Writing Feedback / Some people think the extra-curriculum school work and activities shall be decided by students [7]

I see that justivy03 already did some great editing. If you take the time to type the essay again and make all the corrections, it will be good practice for perfecting your English grammar and composition.

I'll give some comments about the style and structure of the writing:

Maybe it is not best to begin with the statement 'I agree..." and instead precede that statement with a sentence to hook the reader's attention. What is the most interesting sentence you can write about this issue? For fun and practice, I challenge you to write a sentence about choice of extra-curricular work and make sure the sentence has fewer than ten words. If you add a short, meaningful attention to the beginning of the first paragraph it can make the whole essay more engaging and intriguing.

As for the structure of writing, you have done a great job starting each paragraph with a paragraph topic sentence. One way to improve it, though, is to add a better THESIS STATEMENT to the end of the first paragraph. It might be difficult to sum up your essays main idea in a single sentence, but that is the way to make a great thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. For a complex and multifaceted topic like this one, it sometimes helps to use a theme in order to express your main idea. I have a theme to suggest for you: "lifelong learners" --- If you search google for information about that concept, or if you already know what it is, you might be able to add a powerful thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph by writing something like this: When schools give students the greatest possible amount of freedom to pursue their own unique interests, it increases the likelihood that they will become lifelong learners.

***If you do that, you can also add a sentence about lifelong learning to the conclusion paragraph to make that paragraph a little longer.

: )

Writing Feedback / Weed, the blessing and the curse. [3]


Thanks for making this thread urgent. : ) I think your first sentence is great. Hey, in the quote above, none of those words should be capitalized.. they're not proper nouns. Only capitalize the first word of the sentence.

Use a colon instead of a semi-colon:
brings us to the big question; questions:
I pluralized 'question' because you have 2 questions.

Anslinger, --- typo... that should be a period.

I think another sentence should be added to the second paragraph.

Contrary to some large scale publications before, there--- Maybe you should revise this sentence so that it clearly expresses whether it is a helpful or harmful effect. It seems obvious, but the idea is to have a nice style by making every paragraph start with a sentence that says something to help answer the question you posed in the introduction.

Maybe it's god to go add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Let it be a sentence that asserts your answer to the questions you posed, and that will make it your thesis statement.

automobile accidents? --I think this is a typo... i should not be a question mark.

My most important suggestion is to make sure each body paragraph begins with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE. You can learn about that by searching google.

: )

Undergraduate / SVA Statement of Intent - Getting out of the Shadows [4]

Let's not refer to 'being an artist' as a job. If it's a job, then there is some job title so you would say something more specific.. it sounds wrong (to me) to call it a job, just as it would sound wrong to say being a musician is a job. It seems to *reduce* art when you call it a job. But you could say it's one of the scariest 'paths' out there. I like your use of the word 'scariest', very cool...

It is filled with uncertainties, doubts, and hesitation. --- Is artistry filled with these things? Or is artistry completely free of them? Maybe you, or other artists are filled with these things. You could say: Artists are often filled with...

had a sibling rivalry with my cousin --- not good to say 'sibling', since it's your cousin.

Hey, you only used a sentence or two to answer the question they asked in the prompt. I think you should come up with a clear, straightforward sentence to answer their question about why you want to do this program... and put that sentence in the first paragraph so that throughout their reading of your essay they will know where you're coming from.

But somewhere along the line, my passion for art died.--- I like this sentence a lot! This one catches the attention. As you continue to work on this essay, consider possibly moving this sentence to the top, so the essay starts with:

But s Somewhere along the line, my passion for art died.
That would be an intriguing way to start the essay! And then continue the first paragraph by telling the reader why you want to enter this program.

Good luck!! You write well.

Graduate / My path to a college education has been filled with bumps, detours and roadblocs - MPA Application [12]

I see that you got very specific at the end, there, talking about things that make you want to choose this program over others.

I like the way you write! It's going to impress the reader, and just as an exercise and because you asked, I'll give you a lot of criticism/challenges below:

I think it's a little bit cliche to start an essay with a quote. But it is REALLY cool if you put the quote in the middle of a paragraph, right after a sentence that is somehow related to the quote. Consider maybe putting that quote inside a paragraph, and I think it will be a lot more effective.

Now let's get even clearer with the introduction. It's vague right now.

You said, "programs that are directly geared to the nation's healthcare system..." but what programs are you talking about?
You said, "Children and the elderly are the most impacted segment of our society." The reader is thinking, "impacted by what?" So let's indicate

And then you mention that a difficult economy adds to the problem, and that makes it even more vague.
So I like some of the other paragraphs a little more for use at the start of the essay. What if we moved some paragraphs around to improve the reader's experience? For example, I really like this paragraph and wish it was closer to the top, to impress the reader right away:

I find my interest now lies in the public sector, primarily in public healthcare management. Medicaid/Medicare and healthcare rationing ...
That paragraph really is specific enough to keep the reader's interest.

There are no social programs readily available to bridge the gap between healthcare accessibility and affordability ... I thought affordability was part of accessibility. As the reader, I'm trying to nail down (in my mind) what is the most important, specific issue you are trying to tackle in this essay. "Bridging the gap" is metaphorical, and I don't understand about bridging a gap between accessibility and affordability. A great thing to do is make sure the reader knows precisely what you are suggesting, right away near the top of the essay. What are you specifically suggesting -- more funding from a particular source, or some kind of innovation, etc.?

...for the most vulnerable of our society: women, children and the elderly. -- I changed it to a colon instead of a semi-colon.

The reader is going to favor you, so don't worry!!!! : )

Graduate / My path to a college education has been filled with bumps, detours and roadblocs - MPA Application [12]

Shirley Chisholm once said, "Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on this earth." -- I wanted to mention that I really like this quote.

You should use the word tenacity twice. Don't say tenaciousness, it's better to be consistent or it will seem incorrect or arbitrary or something.

Children and the elderly is are the most impacted segment of our society.

Okay, I see now that you are focusing on a specific issue and letting the reader see what it is. But now the paragraph is awkward because the first sentence has nothing to do with that point about children and the elderly. So I think all this content should be moved down lower in the essay:

It's already great, and I just want to offer these ideas in case they help you dig a little deeper and share more of your plan with the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay; as long as we want to live in a free society, the freedom of speech should be respected [7]

Welcome! Glad you're here, we've been waiting for you. ; )

Keep sentences simple. That's the secret. Good English is not complicated. Simple sentences are less likely to have errors.
In the 21st century most of the countries in the world is ruled...

Actually, you should say:

In the 21st century, most of the countries in the world is ruled according to democracy have democratic governments.

This type of politicy government provides nationals ...

First of all, refering to mentioned regarding political issues, freedom of speech is a way to know opinions of the whole society.--- This is a great sentence!

In the As a result, it is the easiest solution is to avoid a ...

Graduate / My path to a college education has been filled with bumps, detours and roadblocs - MPA Application [12]

I think that title is boring! : ) So.. maybe dwell on it awhile today, and see if you think of something that strikes intrigue into the heart of the reader. : )

And no, I think you could do a better job of responding to the questions in the prompt. That's what I meant about revising it so that it directly addresses them. You can start paragraph 2 with a sentence that specifically states what the issue is and which of the three options you chose. Show the reader clearly that you are responding to the question.

And you can start paragraph 3 with a sentence about how this program will help you meet the challenge. Be very specific!

And let's cut the stuff that is not helpful for pounding your main idea into the reader's mind (popularly known as "Obamacare") Cut it right out, it has no place in this paper. That's like Mr. Miagi trimming the Bonsai. Cut out all the excess and hit the reader hard with your main idea, your interesting concept.

Graduate / My path to a college education has been filled with bumps, detours and roadblocs - MPA Application [12]

Great first sentence!
This, coupled with her other ... it's good to put a noun right after the word 'this;... like: This condition, coupled with...

Always trim away the excess:
Although I have After several years as part of the corporate business sector, I find ...

It's important to change the beginning of this so that the reader is told exactly which of the three options you choose and what you are writing about:

"challenge facing your organization, field of interest, or a public policy issue."
It's not good that it goes right into talking about your mother's diagnosis... it seems like a reused essay that does not directly address he prompt.

Let's be subtler about this:
I am honest enough to admit that my undergraduate academic history is not stellar, but it was my t Tenacity got me through my undergraduate years despite untimely personal challenges, and I am counting on ...

Congratulations on the excellent direction you're going by entering this program!! : )

Essays / 25 page research proposal on any issue in our criminal justice system - the death penalty [2]

I have never wrote written this type of a research paper before.

Hey, this is a great topic! And yes, I can tell you how to start broad and then narrow the scope. It really makes a lot of sense, and it's not as complicated as one might think. First, it's important to search for 'capital punishment' in a database of professional journal articles, like JSTR or Questia. Read some articles that have been written in the past 5 years.

I also recommend an article by Carol Sunstein, which I enjoyed a lot: No, Capital Punishment Is Not Morally Required: Deterrence, Deontology, and the Death Penalty

That article is actually written as a response to an article written by some other researchers. Read it, and you'll see what I mean. It's great!

And after reading her article and a few that were written more recently, you will start to have a sense of all the most recent, advanced developments in the study of capital punishment -- it's effectiveness or ineffectiveness for deterring crime, the philosophical principles relevant to a discussion of it, etc.

Here is the secret: This is like jumping into a conversation that is already happening. You consider it in a broad way to understand all of it, but then you say something specific. You won't be able to say something (narrow) until after you have read several recent articles. That is, you will not be able to participate in a conversation unless you spend some time listening.

AFTER you read some great articles, you won't have to try to figure out something narrow/specific to write. You'll spontaneously have something to say, just like in a real conversation. I hope this helps! Start by reading some articles, and it will all be easy.

Research Papers / Advantages of Preschool and Kindergarten; education is the best that can be given to any child [3]

they learn everyday of their lives. --- separate it into 2 words: every day

When it comes to going to school, parents are faced with the dilemma of which choosing the level of education in which the child should start. the child in.

For those children who are an only child with no siblings, this is a very important skill to learn.

Those children are accustomed to having everything

Deciding what kind of program is best will take some time to figure out. --- You used this as the first sentence of a paragraph. The first sentence of a paragraph should usually tell the main idea of the paragraph in an essay like this. So maybe you could revise to make this sentence express the main idea of the paragraph.

I think it takes some power out of the essay when your write "Parents or legal guardians" every time instead of just shortening it to a simpler term, or just 'parents'.

Overall, education is something that shouldn't be denied to any child. ---- When you include sentences like this, it takes the meaning out of your writing. The reader knows she is not going to get anything from reading what you have to say. It's important to 'distill' the content so that you only include sentences worth reading. You have important insights to share, so don't let those insights be overshadowed by meaningless fluff sentences. Hit hard with all important sentences.

: )

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay on the negatives of excessive technology use [2]

The first sentence is an uninteresting statement of the obvious, so the reader might stop paying attention. It might be good to eliminate it and let the essay start with that more interesting second sentence.

After you use the word 'This' it's good to use a noun: This concern raises questions as to...

And this part of the sentence is all jumbled up, I think you left some words that didn't belong: ...who what the truth is about the affects of radiation.

It'd be a good idea to revise the introduction so that it strongly asserts the point you're trying to make. A good strategy for persuasion is Say it, explain it, and say it again. So try revising that introduction to make sure it expresses the argument, and that way the rest of the essay will be more effective because the reader will know what point you're trying to make.

That must have been an interesting survey! You made some great points here, and I think I'll step away from the computer for a minute. : )

Undergraduate / Chance. When you get one, you're going to want to use it wisely. Why the UMTC PSEO Program? [2]

I think it's easier on the reader's mind when you use "I" instead of "you". Using "you" is subtly offensive to the reader. You could change that introduction so that it says: When I get one, I'm going to...

my family intended for me. to accomplish. Expressing the idea in fewer words is always stronger writing.

Attending the U will give me a perspective of how college life will feel like. I don't think this sentence helps.

When I visited the U, I got a true feeling of their community and culture, and personally this college fits my personality.

The only way for me to show you what I am capable of is for you to give me the chance. too simplistic and obvious. And this essay is supposed to be a chance. It's no good to try to use an emotional appeal like this. And when you do, you'll be happy you gave me the opportunity. I think you should use this space to talk about your short term goals, the concepts you're reading about lately, and how you can continue to follow your unique, specific interests at their program.

Taking a part at the U will pique my curiosity to prepare me for a bright future. Sentences like this do not mean anything.

My one goal in life is to find something that I can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life. --- This part has potential to bring out the theme that makes the essay interesting. What is it that you'll want to do every day and make part of your personality?

Becoming a doctor has always been a dream of mine, and that can be accomplished if I took take pre-med. ---- Be more specific. What kind of doctor? Make a plan with deadlines and goals, so the reader can see that you truly are motivated and thoughtful about the future. Too much of this essay is 'fluff', sentences that do not really carry any meaning. It's possible to use this essay as an opportunity to express a real plan, so talk about your goals and you'll inspire the reader.

: )

Writing Feedback / Improving skills to get into an undergraduate program. [3]

Endotherm is the term used to describe animals that are capable, by their own, to of maintaining maintain the same body temperature despite ---- I changed some words and deleted a comma.

Other kind of animals, like reptiles, aren't endotherms. But what about dinosaurs? -- I deleted unhelpful words and added commas for clarity.

The first, mentions that --- It's not necessary to have a comma here.

...is based on the fact that this these creatures had their legs below their trunks , so they ...

On the other hand, we have what is discussed during the lecture. --- It's better if you revise this sentence to include some mention of what was discussed in the lecture. Be specific, especially in the first sentence of a paragraph.

...they don't probe prove that the ...

There are many clues about dinosaurs, and each day we know more about them. --- great sentence

Otherwise we will still be arguing with based on the little we know.

Writing Feedback / One of the most intensely debated topics in education is the types of subjects need to be studied [3]

You are doing very well... if you're writing this essay as a way to practice English writing, I think you can feel great about your progress.

Although the critics of the decision to offer a variety of subjects centre their discussion on students' interests, students need a wide range of subjects to learn about the topics they are enthusiastic about about which they are enthusiastic.

At the first sight, each of these topics are irrelevant, but if we...

I think your ideas and writing are great. I'd add that one of the most important purposes of education is 'training the mind to think', so it's possible to use many different subjects as focal points while challenging the mind. It absolutely is important, while training the mind to think, to take the opportunity to expose the child to many different subjects.

Undergraduate / The people I see nearly every day are unable to access the education that they deserve [2]


It's interesting, the teachers would complain that they have to let their ideals and curricula conform to the standardized tests. That's teachers' big complaint about standardized testing. I guess I want to say that I don't like this sentence, because you're 'reducing' teacher ideals + class content in a way that is similar to the way quantitative analysis reduces students. This sentence doesn't go with the rest of the essay, because the essay is about not wanting to 'reduce' complex and meaningful things by taking a simplistic approach.

I think maybe you should add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that expresses the main message of the whole essay. That will make this a powerful piece of writing, because the reader will know what point you're arguing while s/he reads the rest.

"High school career" --- overused cliche.. I don't like it.

inelastic teaching methods--- again, it's distasteful and presumptuous to pass judgment -- to suggest to the reader that you are in a position to assess whether the teacher's methods were inelastic... it's better to present this in a way that suggests that you want to take responsibility for all your outcomes. You could incite some curiosity in the mind of the reader by mentioning what you've learned from this experience and how you'll use what you learned to make sure you get the best possible outcomes in college as you press on toward your most important goal.

: )

Writing Feedback / A fear of censure in Indian society; our conversation often turns to criticizing what we see lacking [2]

Hi Rajiv.. I'd want to simplify this part:

... that we should have taken instead from their, that is, the imperial cultures -- like their...

all bad about ourselves --- Another idea based only on my opinion... you could replace 'ourselves' with a noun that expresses the specific thing about which we're feeling bad. That's add clarity and power to the sentence and paragraph.

Paragraph 2 has a few ideas that seem unrelated to each other.. or, of course they are related, but you perhaps go from one to another in a way that is 'non sequitur'... one does not follow another in a way that I can easily follow. The small changes are taking place to improve malls, and then the poor are the culprits for uncouth behavior..

the disparity of the social positions of the two genders -- I agree this is a big key to improvement. But isn't the disparity of social positions different from the tendency to think negatively about hidden meanings within interactions between them? Maybe I missed the point, or it's a cultural thing I don't understand!

The end of this essay, that last sentence, resonated a lot with me. Always a pleasure, Rajiv!

Graduate / 'pursuing activities that utilize my potential' - Letter of motivation of MEng in automotive systems [3]

You have a great writing style. I think it might be good to revise the second sentence so that it more clearly makes a connection with the idea of passion. You could use the word 'passion' again in that second sentence, and I think it would be okay. As it is now, it's there's not a very clear connection between the first and second sentence.

...life from the environment in which I grew up in . It's better to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition.

As a child I was intrigued by the aesthetic designs of cars, their ... --- great sentence!! I almost want to suggest moving this sentence to the top so it is the first sentence the reader see.

I notice you don't mention the word 'passion' again in the rest of the essay after you introduce it as a theme in the beginning. It is a great idea -- passion is the source of motivation. There's wisdom to it, but if you want to use that as your theme you'll need to make sure you talk about passion again in one of the body paragraphs and also in the conclusion paragraph.

Moreover, the worldwide recognition of its degrees, the very low tuition fees, and its diversity makes make ...

I like the last sentence, too. You could shorten it to make it a little stronger:
I truly hope that by accepting my application, you will allow me to acquire the tools of the trade required to step up to the challenge of my dreams. --- It's okay to cut that part out, because the sentence still carries the same meaning. There's no need to actually say 'accept my application'...

: ) You really seem to have a talent for writing, so I hope you'll explore that while you continue your studies.

Undergraduate / Korean universities, culture, and technology. My passion to continue my study. [3]

When I was born in 1991, and I lived with my both parents at rented house, because at that time we are were in a poor financial condition.

You should practice to use the correct verb tense. It's easy to go online and find strategies for practicing correct verb tense. This sentence should be in the past tense:

But in 1993 they are were separated and I don't didn't know why the exact reason until now. --- Do you mean to say that you still do not know the reason? You can write:

...separated, and I never learned the reason for their separation.

Again, use the past tense:
Since then I only live lived with my mother...

Don't use more words than you need to use. Don't give the reader information s/he doesn't need:
At the age of 5 years old, precisely in 1996, At the age of five, I went ...

My experiences s and of achievement since kindergarten have come from drawing competitions .

Too many words again here:
Because the expense of my private junior high school is was quite expensive, my mother told me ...

My passion to continue my study is eager and moreover at Korea. ----I don't know what this sentence is supposed to mean. Try to clarify it.

I think your essay is too long. Do the instructions tell you to make it so long? If it's okay to shorten it, you should review it and take note of how many different things you are telling the reader. Make a list of every fact you tell the reader. Then, decide which ones are important and which are not.

: )

Letters / Perseverance, sincerity and thirst for knowledge have always been the hallmark of his personality. [4]


Capitalize every word when you do the opening salutation.

I have an idea for improving the way this sentence feels on the reader's mind:
I have no hesitation in writing this letter of recommendation for to recommend X to accompany his application for the Master program in Energy...

Always try to improve writing by saying what you have to say in fewer words. Good writing hits hard with no more words than necessary. Hah, it's funny that I just redundantly wrote 2 sentences to express that same idea about not using more words than necessary. : ) And now I'm digressing, which is another way more words than necessary are used. I'm a blatant hypocrite. But still, consider doing this:

I have had the pleasure of getting to know X over the course of the last t For the past two years, I have observed him to be I found in him a keen student of the subject of Electrotechnical Engineering.

X, is a reliable and disciplined person. --- Don't put a comma after the name.

Hmm... this is all too vague and abstract. Can you add some more specific examples? One great writing strategy is: "Show, don't tell..."

Graduate / 'America is not just a country it is an idea' Why master degree in USA? Cover Letter. [3]


The first thing I notice is that they ask you to do 6 things with this essay. That is a lot. So you should check to see if you answered all 6 of them. The person who judges your essay needs to use a logical way of measuring how good they think it is, and the most common way is to check whether the writer directly answered each part of the prompt. Sometimes it's even good to use one paragraph to respond to each part of the prompt.

America is not just a country it is an idea. ---- This is a run-on sentence. You can fix it by putting a semi-colon after the word 'country'.

America brings represents the sense can-do spirit in almost entire of humankind.

Make sure the verbs match each other in the sentence, so you'll have a nice writing style and correct grammar:
From McCormick feeding the world to Rockefeller revolutionized revolutionizing ...

An Providers of psychological services have an ethical obligation to plays a vital role so as to provide ensure proficient care. In order to do this, professionals...

Even more, Moreover, the 8-week mandatory internship within MAIDP's program could be even more difficult than I might imagine, as this will be ...

Furthermore, It's okay to use this word, but I think it is bulky and takes power out of the sentence. I suggest:
I plan to use my license to ...

I like your ideas! Your English grammar needs improvement, and you'll do very well to improve it by participating at EssayForum.

: )

Writing Feedback / On a changing social order in India -- a perception [2]


This is interesting as an introduction. Some people might criticize it because it's not clear. Some things indeed have changed, and others have not. I personally like the way you wrote it, because it's unique.

An ordering in society by wealth is no longer tenable. --- When you say 'ordering in society' it is not clear. You could write:
An ordering in society by A social order based on wealth is no longer tenable.

This sentence is not grammatically correct, but I can fix it: To the extent that following subsequent generations in the western countries felt disadvantaged by what their forefathers had done, and they wished to quickly bring in some other measure of what is better and what is less so.

Don't capitalize 'talent' --- if you watch 'T talent shows' like...

You have a great, rhythmic writing style. : )

In opening themselves to an easyfor access by those who had until recently been kept under by them, western countries...

Undergraduate / Motive for exchange program in Japan - to broaden my horizon [2]

Hello! I hope you get to have excellent, rewarding experiences when you apply your art for ECE. That is a great aspiration. : )

I think this way of starting is too informational and doesn't spark the reader's curiosity:
I majored in Design at** High School and now ...

It's too common for people to say "I have been interested in XXXX since a young age: I have been interested in arts since I was very young and aspire to be a...

I am not trying to be critical. It's just that you can always improve your writing by 'distilling' it so that you only show the reader sentences that accomplish something useful. Eliminate all unnecessary words, like this: ... children's arts teacher when I graduate. from the university.

As an inspired artist, you can be artful about your essay and how you present information. Kahlil Gibran writes (something like this, not exactly) "If you must be candid, be candid beautifully, for there are people dying in this neighborhood." I'll search for an artful sentence energized with real inspiration that the reader can feel... here is one:

Finally , I would like to accomplish two missions in Japan. One is to observe the... --- I suggest moving this sentence right up to the top of the essay, so it's the first sentence of the first paragraph. Introduce the essay by sharing these two missions. This part of the essay instills curiosity in the reader. They become more alert to find out what the missions are. It really can be a great introduction if you start this way.

: )

Writing Feedback / Players and supporters in particular, should be supportive and responsible for the sporting events [2]

"In recent years, lots of international sporting events have been organised by international organisation in order to raise patriotic feelings and to reduce international tensions."

This seems a bit wordy, try to avoid using the same word twice in a sentence, especially your opening statement. Try to make it straight forward and introduce your main point. Maybe try something along the lines of:

International sporting events raise strong patriotic feelings in the players and onlookers, though it is hard to tell if the influence is completely positive or negative.

"Apart from those tangible benefits, while a few countries, particularly players, have been in a friendship, international sporting events sometimes raise conflict from supporters when their favorite team is lost."

This is a run-on sentence,remove excess words that can take away from your point. Even turning it into two sentences would be okay.

"As a result, this condition will increase their tensions. To sum up, the events do not always provide positive effects in this planet, but sometimes cause dire effects."

As a result, this condition will increase their tensions. To sum up, The events do not always positively influence the players and viewers.

Final words;
Make sure your thoughts are well organized and each paragraph/section stays on one topic. Overall, you're on the right track with just some minor grammar errors.

Undergraduate / I'm particularly interested in quantum physics - Summer Science Program Short Answers [4]

I like your writing style!

Although I do enjoy every branch of science and math, I'm particularly interested in quantum physics.
It was
I think you should get rid of all that and just use this:
...in the late afternoon of April 20, 2013, I came across the article "Experimental Observation of the Quantum Anomalous Hall Effect in a Magnetic Topological Insulator" while reading the Science Magazine as usual. At that time, I was ...

It makes a strong start.

so that I can no longer tell if it is dust or --- fix the verb tense so it's consistent. so that I could no longer tell if it was ...

Back home, it seems that people do everything for a profitable purpose. --- We can find a better way to express this, or perhaps just omit it and let the rest of the sentences explain it. "Profitable purpose" seems weird, but your meaning is clear. To say *everything* is done for a profitable purpose is not exactly accurate..

Technically, you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, but this is one of those rules made to be broken. Still, you can do it in a better way: as well as an achievement I'm proud of.

Instead, try:
as well as an achievement I'm proud of a source of pride.
or
...and also a proud memory for me.

: )

Graduate / WAR is 99% information: SOP on MS business analytics [3]


This is the sentence where you reveal to the reader the point you've been leading up to. I think it should be short and clear. It's okay to have a long sentence of explanation after it, but I think you should have a short, clear sentence right here where this sentence is. I has to be a sentence that succinctly expresses how information has in some way been especially important for you. This has the potential to be a great theme for the essay, but you have to introduce it to the reader with a short, clear sentence.

I least knew analytics has been there with me ever since and influenced me to a point where ... --- This part has a lot of words, but what are you really saying with them? If there is some important insight that has made information such a theme for your studies and work, then try to share that somehow with the reader? To give the reader a memorable experience, try to type a sentence about the most important insight you've gained about information for achieving goals.

You started with a theme about the importance of information in war. Can you relate war to something that is important to you? That kind of connection can help to complete the message. You can attack your work with the resolve of someone going to war, so what part of your work is important enough to be worthy of such resolve?

: )

Graduate / Masters of Public Policy Letter of Motivation. Relating Peace Corps Dev. work to public policy. [2]

This essay is very strong because of the focus on your experiences abroad. Now it's possible to pack a harder punch if you introduce a THEME at the beginning. What is the theme or meaningful, poignant message you want to share with the reader? It can be quirky. It can be about your highest aspiration, or maybe about the most urgent aspiration that can be fulfilled at their school. Maybe there will even be some humor in it. The first paragraph seems too informational, so I feel the need for a theme -- some magic word -- to liven it up.

If you had one word to represent your message to the reader of this essay, what would be that word? Or, think of the word that represents the plan for the way you'll use your time in this program. When you demonstrate that you've spent time getting familiar with the school, it inspires the reader to open a door of opportunity.

: )

Writing Feedback / Mainstream America Should be More Open- Minded to the Use of Medical Marijuana [2]


Your enthusiasm about the argument makes this a great paper. I'm so impressed, this is really some excellent writing. I want to take the opportunity to show you places where you can improve:

Marijuana produced in dispensaries is 12 to 24% stronger than normal pot.---- This needs a citation. Maybe not needed in thee high school level but you're writing above that level so it's good to start citing properly, like an adult professional. So, when you give a statement like this, substantiate it with a citation.

And here is a grammar correction that will stick in your mind and make you a stronger word-warrior: Research has showed shown the...

But I don't have much else to say. I hope you buy a copy of strunk and white, and perhaps also look into neurolinguistic programming. I'm impressed by your mastery of language, and I hope you make a big splash in this world working toward healing and happiness for people.

Essays / How to write sucessful study plan? [5]

Hi Diga,

If the program requires you to make a study plan, I think they probably give you some instructions about what they want it to include. The practical way to do this is to carefully follow their instructions.

But the meaningful part is when you use this as an opportunity to dig deeper and focus on your goals. You'll need to achieve several goals in order to make some of your larger goals possible. So, first I challenge you to ask yourself: "What is more important to you than all the money in the world?" Really think hard about it. What makes life meaningful?

You know that you have chosen to study occupational safety, and you know about the specialized knowledge you gained in biostat, so now you can ask yourself how a person with your situation can live in the most meaningful way. What goals should you set in order to apply your strengths and be the person you want to be?

This is not the advice people usually get when making a study plan. But if you have not clearly envisioned yourself as the person you want to be, it is not possible to create an effective study plan. It is important to ask yourself these questions. When you know what is most important to you, it becomes easy to create your study plan.

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]

It helps if you think about one message you want to convey to the reader. What is one piece of information you want the reader to remember? When you know what that phrase or sentence is, it becomes easy to structure the rest of the letter around that central message.

The introduction is a way to prepare the reader to receive the message.
Each paragraph begins with a sentence that supports the message.
The conclusion pushes the message deep into the reader's mind by reviewing it and adding some new dimension to it, etc...

So, the secret is that there really is only one sentence/idea to share with the reader. That's all s/he can remember anyway.

The best strategy might be to share an idea that will intrigue the reader. They will favor you if you are interesting.

When you send this to multiple companies, it's good to add a few sentences to tailor each version to the company to which it's being sent. A little bit of specificity goes a long way.

: ) Good luck with this!

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

We live in a world surrounded by various types of advertisements. --- We are surrounded but the world is not surrounded.

Through years many pundits have tried to evolve enhance advertising methods in a way to increase their effectiveness.

...they unknowingly inadvertently influence the society in both good and bad ways...

Okay, you do not have many errors and I like the writing style. I think advertising is totally natural in a free market, capitalist society. People who believe in the importance of capitalism's competition must also be in favor of advertising because they are inseparable. I also think the way to improve the essay might be to do a bit of research and find a few more examples of what makes an ad effective. What about the media used to share the ad? And maybe you could mention a few research studies about effective advertising. You can search google for that. : )

Graduate / The sparks of innovation all start with the way we experience and perceive the world surround us. [4]

We can trim away excess words to refine and sharpen this:
The s Sparks of innovation all start wit fly when we are inspired by our experience of the world around us.
we to experience and perceive the world. surround us .

... daily life, I see an urge for me to learn more about and deeply understand the emerging technologies that we live and work with. Graduate program at Rhode Island School of Design will allow enable me to emerge myself into immerse myself in the convergence of...

... I desire I want to explore how ...

Typo here: As a designer who aims at pursuing multimedia study, It it is my responsibility to devote myself to...

...areas of interest and explore in the virtual media area. I am attracted to the diverse environment of interdisciplinary exploration in Digital + Media Department, and it seems ... I think the best way to improve this is to add more substance. If you have some particular interests that you can pursue at RISD you should share them somewhere near the start of the essay.

What I mean is that you can actually tell the reader specific things, and PROVE to the reader that you really have a plan that you're trying to carry out.

For example:
If you have studied the history of Providence, RI, maybe one of your artistic goals is to create new digital versions of old works of art in providence.

Or maybe you narrowed your college search down to 3 schools and RISD is still the best for you because of this particular program.
Or maybe you are a fan of some artists in RI, or maybe you have read some articles by some teachers at RISD.
ALL these are just examples of things that would really show the reader that you are a serious student and that you should absolutely have this opportunity opened to you.

What makes Providence, RI the best place for you to study design? Connect with the reader. ; -)

Undergraduate / I've spent my time seeing what's happening in the world from different perspectives. Why Lang? [3]

...going every weekend to volunteering to discuss with students in to volunteer as a ____(what?). This part of the sentence is unclear.

Your first sentence is really long. I suggest adding a short sentence right in front of it to start the essay in a way that is easy on the reader's brain. What is a short, punchy sentence you can add at the start of the essay?

... I spent all my of my High School high school years... not a proper noun.

Lang portrays the importance of this and --- try to avoid the word 'this' and replace them with great nouns that help the reader go deep in contemplation as they decode the words and internalize your message.

I think you should spend at least 1 or 2 more sentences talking about Lang, specifically it's unconventional style classroom. Such innovations inspire creativity! The prompt talks a lot about it, so you should get specific about how you could contribute to a process where you are partly in charge of your own education.

: )

Undergraduate / There came a time in my life when I absolutely hated my mother. [3]

I'll give a suggestion about the reader's experience. You can INTRIGUE the reader if you switch the order of the paragraphs. Let the essay start like this:

My world and mindset did not change until the Near the end of middle school when I realized that my mother is was my hero. --- I changed 'is' to 'was' because it's best to keep the verb tense consistent within the sentence.

I suggest putting that sentence at the beginning, because the reader will see the title at first and assume this essay is all about self-pity (some students use these essays the way they should use a therapist.) BUT then when the essay begins you are intriguing their minds by saying she was your hero.

I challenge you to reverse the order and do not begin the essay with so much negativity. The negativity should be sandwiched in the middle between a positive beginning and end. It's the rising action of the essay.

I like your writing style!

I believe that as I began to mature, I began to see all the things my mother did for me all along.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation - Erasmus+ Programme "European Master on Advanced Robotics Plus" [3]

The reader will be impressed with your very sophisticated sentences structure and style of writing. But I think the reader will assume you are the sort of person who does not know how to dance. If that is true, I sympathize because I can't usually dance well, either. I mention this, because your style of writing seems inhibited. I think you need to loosen up enough to express real ideas from your heart.

This is not supposed to be a demonstration of your ability to write in a formal way. You wrote this:
confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program.... --- This is an example of a comment that could be said of any student. They all want to bring abstract things like enthusiasm, etc. But it doesn't SHOW the reader your real aspirations.

The reader knows most of these essays to not reflect real aspirations (because most people do not have any very clear goals). To say "I want to be a scientist", for example, is not really a goal. "to become an expert researcher in robotic prostheses" is much better than the average student's essay, but it can still be better! I assume you want to be a researcher so that you can make a difference for certain types of people... and perhaps combine ideas from different disciplines.

I believe that a Advanced training in a graduate program of such great quality will help me to realize my dream. --- Here, I don't like' of such great quality' because it makes the whole sentence too abstract to be meaningful.

I don't mean to ask you to rewrite the whole letter. The goal is to build on those GREAT paragraphs where you give specific examples of your accomplishments. I like the middle paragraphs the most. I don't like the first and last paragraph. Think of this as telling a story to the reader. Show the reader what you have accomplished, and show also what you intend to accomplish in the next few years.

: )

Undergraduate / My primary goal is to major in mass communications and get involved in the field of journalism [2]

I don't think your stated primary goal is really the primary goal. : ) What is the real goal? Getting into journalism is a 'means to an end', just like becoming president, or becoming wealthy. They are means to certain ends... so what is the purpose you are trying to achieve? I admit, ambition is profane folly and our aspirations are all rather ridiculous in the grand scheme of things, but in the somewhat smaller scheme of things people are having real experienced, real grief and pain. You can help with that. So, what is the real goal?

And don't say something grand and dramatic like students usually say in these essays, lol. How about a goal associated with some aspect of society you really think should be brought to light? Example: If your primary goal is something about giving voice to the oppressed, your primary goal as a student might involve a specific blend of courses in journalism and sociology to lay your foundation. The point is that if you have a very specific plan for accomplishing some goals important to you, the reader absolutely will favor you. The reader rarely encounters an essay from a student with real goals and a real plan.

VCU will allow me to use the skills I have at hand and improve upon them throughout the next four years. This sort of sentence is not helpful. It can be replaces with sentences that really tell about specific goals you want to achieve. With some internet research you can learn fascinating things about accomplishments of other journalists... so, which inspire you, and what specific accomplishments do you think you might make to benefit the world during 2015-2020 with all the crazy things that are going on?

Graduate / Why I want to trade places with Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella for a day -MBA Georgiatech essay [3]


This sentence is not very strong, so it should be eliminated. Only the strong survive! : ) I challenge you to change some words in that sentence so that it intrigues the reader and perhaps introduces concept that will become the THEME of the essay.

Great writing in the second paragraph.. I like that paragraph a lot... " I want to poke around his mind and.. " ha ha.. cool.

...to grow in the 2010s and capture new markets. --- You should not do a paragraph break here. Connect the next paragraph to this one. This introduces the sentences that follow, so keep them as one paragraph.

Is this a typo? Check here: to agree to let Microsoft price it's upcoming software upgrade ...

These are what the goals I plan to achieve by being ...

You don't need my help! This is already quite impressive.

Graduate / "4cities": promising opportunity to break through my relatively narrow framework of insights; letter [2]


Yes, but you can break out of it when you no longer hesitate to take out the parts that need to be taken out. It's okay to get rid of a lot of sentences! : ) That's the hardest thing for any writer.


'Had done' is what you use when you are writing a sentence about what you 'did' AND you need to let the reader know about something you ALREADY did before.

Example: Yesterday I arrived at school late because I had done my homework in the morning. I had never been late before, so I decided to arrive late and use the extra time to ensure a good grade by completing my homework.

Let's not include 'China' because the reader knows where Shanghai is.
Born and raised in Shanghai, China and having

"Research" should be used like the word 'water'... the plural of water is still water.
For example, a significant part of my undergraduate researches research were was focused on...
or do this:
For example, a significant part some of my undergraduate researches projects were focused on...

My opinion: You can delete all this... "4cities would offer me a promising opportunity to break through ..." Delete the rest of that paragraph. Those sentences are great, but if you need to shorten this they are sentences that can be removed. The other sentences in other parts of the essay are even better.

You write very, very well and I'm really glad I got to offer some ideas for this. Your first paragraph is especially impressive because it is so insightful.