Undergraduate / Obstacles or 'bumps in the road in your academic or personal life [4]

Good evening.

A couple of things.

First, when you're using quotation marks, make sure your punctuation is enclosed in them.
Second, avoid contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count off for their use.
Third, make sure you are not capitalizing words that are not either proper nouns or the first words of sentences.
Fourth, since this essay is written in past tense, make sure you are adding "ed" to the endings of your verbs and such. For instance, "...every morning to get cure" should be "...every morning to get cured."

In regards to content, your essay answers the prompt nicely; you have good reasons and detailed examples to support them. Your conclusion is especially nice; it ties your piece up easily. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / COMMON APP - the importance of diversity to you [3]

Good evening.

Your response does answer the prompt, with well thought out examples and good description. It flows well and has a good conclusion as well as ending.

Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I am passionate about each activity which I am apart of - Elaborate on one of your activities... [2]

Good afternoon.

I am not involved in every club, b ut I am passionate about each ...
As the rehearsals progressed, I found myself quite tense and nervous about being in front of an audience. The ONA assisted anyone who struggles.Condense these two sentences into one. Teamwork was very abundant.

Good work.

Undergraduate / 'Better grades' - Common Application - Significant Achievement [3]

I agree with calend4r's comments about the last paragraph; it is important to make sure that you are relating to the prompt throughout the piece.

Please see my postings about your other pieces, as the same suggestions apply here in regards to mechanics.
I also wonder how much detail you really need here. There will be other chances during the application process to include a lot of detail, but the common app really isn't one; it is more of a snapshot; a quick-look first impression. Decide what really is important in this piece and then get rid of the stuff that isn't. That will streamline the piece, organize it, and keep your reader on track while keeping the word count under control.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Creativity is one of the highly concerned points to those aspired people [3]

Good afternoon.

The content of this essay looks good, and I think it is appropriate. Mechanically, there are many usage errors, such as "..create them in their..." which should be "...creating them in their..." Or "It is the practical work and execute their design that would make sense" which should be "It is the practical work and execution of their design that makes sense."

There are also issues with conflicting tenses; when you write a piece such as this, make sure that you pick one tense and stay with it throughout:

"...know which material was the most apposite one."

There are instances where your subjects and verbs do not agree:

"The number of his experiments may..."

As well as missing linkage:

"...he ignored his current surroundings..."

Make sure when you quote a person or piece of literature that the quotation is enclosed by quotation marks; the quote at the end of your piece is not.

I have not commented on every instance of these occurrences in the piece, instead pointing out a pattern for you to adjust.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Impacts of Senior Citizens in their Choices for Healthcare - essay edit [2]

Good afternoon.

As the prompt and/or requirements for this piece were not included in the posting, I can edit for grammar and mechanics only:

"...effective, centered around the patient, and equitable."

"...federal, state, and local governments."

"...Independent Insurance Agent..." Shouldn't be capitalized.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / how does Penn make a perfect match for you? [4]

Good afternoon.

Mechanically, the same thing as your previous posts. Make sure you are enclosing your punctuation inside of your quotation marks.

I suggest cutting out a lot of the detail in the essay (mainly the beginning) and getting right to the point. There are going to be countless essays along with yours, so you need to make the best use of the admission board's time and be concise in the piece. Try removing many of the statistics, as the board will already be familiar with them and it can come across as sappy pandering.

Once you remove a lot of the frill, I think you've got a very good, strong essay.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Name a professor with whom you would like to study or conduct research with [5]

Good afternoon.

In regards to content, I agree that your essay needs more expansion; you make some good points, but your audience is left with unanswered questions and an unsatisfied, wanting feeling. I think as long as you can make the last paragraph relevant, it would be fine to use.

Mechanically, I have one correction:

..."The Art of Price War."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A WONDERFUL CAREER - 'I am ready for my interview' [4]

Good evening.

There are some main things I am concerned about in this essay. For instance, with the first paragraph:

"As I was getting of the elevator, I started walking down the hall. Over the intercom I heard a woman say , "Code Blue 4 CAA, Code Blue 4CCA." At that moment, I knew the medical response team was on their way to ICU. I continue to headI have these two sections bold because you change your tense; in the first part, you're writing in past tense, but the second part switches to present. Choose one tense and stay there throughout the whole essay. for the two big double doors at the end of the hall.I had no ideaBack to past tense here. what really goesBack to present tense here. on behind those two doors.I open the doors and all of the nurses wererunning around getting items for the cold blue patient.

I stood there watching and thinking to myself, "D id I come at a bad time?"

You've got quite a bit of dialogue in this piece, and you could benefit from a refresher in dialogue punctuation. Generally, your punctuation goes inside of the quotation marks, and there are some other rules about commas before and inside as well that you could benefit from. There are many free guides on the internet that can help you with this.

I'm not sure if the piece is finished; if it is, there needs to be a conclusion to the piece. If not, then disregard that comment.

Basically, it looks like you need a grammar and punctuation refresher. In addition to the online guides, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UF ESSAY: "meaningful event" - Upward Bound [3]

Good afternoon.

"...at the end of my eighth grade schoolyear I found out that my mother had enrolled me in anUpward Bound math and science program for..."

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use.

Watch the excessive and inappropriate use of commas. Perhaps a refresher on when and where to use commas would do you good; there are many free guides on the internet.

Be careful of random capitalization; if the word is not a proper noun (a specific person, place, thing, or idea) or the first word in a sentence, it should not be capitalized. For instance, "Barracudas, Sharks, and Stingrays;" none of these should be capitalized.

"...academically oriented person..."

"...the guidance of my mentors and UB peers I..."

"...every opportunity. I am an intellectual..."

As to content, you've got a good story here, the introduction and conclusion tie up very neatly, and the flow is good.

I hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / Observation paper for HRT 101 Benson [4]

Good afternoon.

As I have previously commented, check for capitalization. Things that are not proper nouns (specific people, places, things, or ideas) or the first words of sentences should not be capitalized. Is a Lobby a proper noun? Think about each of the things you have capitalized. If it doesn't fall into those two above stated requirements, it shouldn't be capitalized.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'I have no body, I'm stuck' - Why do you want to attend Pratt? [3]

I agree that the pieces definitely need more expansion.
"Intro
I have been interested in all sorts of arts as a child, and was also raised by a artistic family; a family full of uncles and aunts who possess some sort of artistic talent. I find digital art fascinating. Even then express yourself through eye catching media What? This sentence is incomplete; it has a predicate, but no subject.

Conclusion
I have been drawn to Pratt Institute due to the exciting workI have seen in the digital art program. The courses are dazzling, and I cannot think of a better place to follow through with my dream to become part of an animation studio such as Pixar or Dreamworks. I knowI will spend time absorbing the knowledge need to pursue my dreams." Where? Doing what? Again, another unfinished sentence.

Undergraduate / "I am a fencer." -Common App essay: is it any good? [4]

Good afternoon.

This post looks very good. Your introduction is catchy and the body of your essay stays on its topic. Your paragraphs are aptly detailed, well structured and organized, and they are linked by good transitions. The conclusion ties the essay up neatly, and the overall flow of the piece is smooth. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Divorce, arranged marriage, economic crisis - Illustration Essay [9]

Good afternoon.

Because this is a specific assignment from your class, my free assistance here is limited. I suggest you begin by choosing which topic you want to write about, and then do a little bit of research on it. For example, if you chose prompt three you could do an internet search for "reasons the current economic crisis in America is good." After doing some brainstorming and accumulating some outside knowledge on the topic via research, you can set down your three elements of support, and in turn, two or three interesting facts or details about your topic.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Motivations of buying a product - Toefl Essay [3]

Good afternoon.

The first thing I notice here is that the essay wanders a bit. For instance, "Her name was Brenda." Is this absolutely necessary for this piece? Or, "Sometimes, girls talk so lengthily that no one can stop them." Statements such as these are distracting and can lose your reader. Try to stay on the topic of your opinion and the prompt throughout the piece.

Mechanically, a few suggestions:

"I asked her, "Where you bought this coat?"

"...product in their arms or on their terrace..."

You give a very good example here, and your conclusion is very good. I think once you clean it up a bit and make sure everything contained in the piece is relevant, it will be much nicer.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Lost And Found - Narrative Essay [3]

Good afternoon.

It doesn't look like there are any problems with the past tense. Mechanically, there are a few issues. For instance, there are a lot of choppy, short sentences in the piece, mainly in the beginning passages. Try linking some of them together with commas or semi colons and that will greatly improve the flow of the piece. There are many great free resources for this on the internet.

Also, make sure you are properly using the apostrophe, especially in regards to possession. For instance, "After my sons funeral..." should be "After my son's funeral..." A quick run through a spell-checking program will usually catch mistakes like this one.

Another thing to keep in mind in academic writing is that contractions should be avoided; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count off for their use.

In regards to content, as I am not sure what the prompt or requirements for the assignment were, I can only make general comments here. The flow seems easy and the essay is fairly organized. The conclusion is good, and your introduction (when it is smoothed out) will be very intriguing.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their streng - FSU essay help [4]

Yes; elaboration and specifics will save these essays, because as they are here they are still a bit vague. Link the characteristics to your quotes early on, rather than waiting until the end to do so; that will make a big improvement.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Teen Gangs: The World of Canadian Street Gangs" --- Does it flow? [4]

Good afternoon.

This is a great essay. The content is good and well cited, the paragraphs are very organized with good transitions that make the whole piece very fluid, and you have good reasoning behind your assertions. Your conclusion also wraps the piece up nicely.

Mechanically, it looks pretty good. The only thing I want to make sure you do in this piece is make sure your subjects and verbs agree, mainly in regards to the noun "youth". For instance, "...opportunities for youth to take. Opportunities...". In this sentence "youth" should be "youths" because "opportunities" is plural. Therefore, "...opportunities for youths to take. Opportunities...". Also, make sure when you are making a list of three or more things that you not only place a comma after each item, but you include a comma after the item before "and." For instance, "...suppress them, of courts to punish them, and of communities to...".

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A WONDERFUL CAREER - 'I am ready for my interview' [4]

I'd be happy to. What is the prompt and requirements for the assignment? What kind of assistance, specifically, are you seeking? For instance, grammar, spelling, content, etc?

Essays / effective way of writing an essay [2]

Good afternoon.

The thing about a great introduction is that it is complicated. It should be a precursor to the information contained in the essay, thereby informing the audience as to what will be discussed, while being specific enough to narrow down your topic as much as possible to eradicate meandering throughout the piece. A thesis can be as short as a couple of sentences or as long as a whole page; it's not the length that really matters.

As to a conclusion, it should "warm" the audience up to the conclusion of the paper while reiterating and restating the main points previously discussed; new information should never be introduced in the concluding paragraph. It should leave the audience with a sense of closure and satisfaction when they are done, not questions and a "And so...?" feeling.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania courses / characteristics [6]

Great point!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Observation paper for HRT 101 Benson [4]

Good afternoon.

I believe your introduction is a good precursor to the rest of your paper. The main mechanical issue I see here is the use of capitalization. If the word is not a proper noun or a word beginning a sentence, it should not be capitalized.

As to content, this seems to be a very thorough paper with good details. The conclusion could use a little cleaning up though. Can you base an assessment for all of the hospitality industry on this one establishment, as you seem to imply when you say "...taught me how the hospitality industry works..."? It should be more specific, pertaining only to this particular establishment, in order to be effective.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Act of Revenge, The Cask of Amontillado Essay [4]

Good afternoon.

Just a few thoughts.

First, double check you citation style as to inline citations. I may be wrong, but your inline citation should look like this:

"The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge" (1).

"The theme of revenge in the story is strongly advised." What do you mean by "advised"? Is this what you mean? It doesn't seem to fit very well. How does one "advise" a theme?

I suggest either reworking the conclusion to be an original paragraph, or make the next to last paragraph the conclusion, as the last section seems to be a redundant follower to the previous one.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Common Application; Help with "Elaborate on one of your activities" [2]

Good afternoon.

My first concern is capitalization; make sure that you are capitalizing proper nouns and words at the beginnings of sentences only. If it is not either, the word should not be capitalized.

Also, make sure you are properly using the apostrophe, especially as it pertains to possession. For instance, "...every students desire to..." should be "...every student's desire to...".

A refresher on when to use commas could help as well, as there are some instances here of inappropriate use of commas. There are many online refresher guides that can help you with this.

As to content, you've got a pretty good foundation. More details will definitely
make this piece more interesting.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Zoo Rejection" - my essay [3]

First, a few broad mechanical suggestions. Run your texts through a spell-checking program to check not only for spelling errors, but also grammatical or usage errors. For instance, "Respond" in the first paragraph should be something like "In response to this...". Also, watch the excessive and inappropriate use of commas. For a refresher on this and other punctuation situations, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. Or, there are a number of free sources on the internet that can help with this. Next, double check for subject/verb agreements throughout the piece. For instance, "People may think that zoos are good place for keeping wild animal, but in fact, it is not, and it also is unethical to capture wild animals and put them into the zoo" should be "People may think that zoos are good places for keeping wild animals , but in fact it is not; it is also unethical to capture wild animals and put them into a zoo." Also, "They scare of people, gun, and the noise of metal of our developed industry" should be "They are scared of people, guns , and the noise of metal from our developed industry."

A note on citation: even if this is not a research paper you are still required to properly cite your sources so that your readers will be able to find your information on their own if they so choose, but also to avoid accusations of plagiarism. Make sure that you are properly following your institution's required citation style for inline as well as bibliographical citations.

In regards to content, you explain some very good reasons and support them with good information and examples. Your introduction is very catchy and your conclusion wraps up your essay very well. Your paragraphs are well structured and organized, giving your overall essay a nice fluidity. Good job.

Undergraduate / They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their streng - FSU essay help [4]

Good evening.

While both of these passages are very well articulated and organized, I don't see how they answer the prompt. Make sure that you adequately link your responses to the prompts because if the responses are not clear many admissions boards will not consider them.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / The National Merit Scholarship Essay - UF Essay Help [7]

You're welcome.

In regards to the first question, you could use either "lied" or "lain"; I would probably use "lain" in this situation.

In regards to the second question, I think that if you kept each instance very brief, kept it within the word count requirements, and tied them all concisely together so that they created an obvious and logical chain, that would be fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Career goals and importance of college education in attaining them [12]

Try your local libraries; they should have copies. Otherwise, you can look online for rules on punctuation. As my post states, there are other errors in the piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'The ability to learn makes us human' - Rubiks Cube Essay [2]

Good evening.

As the requirements to the assignment were not included in the posting, I will focus on grammar and mechanics here.

In your introduction, it seems that you quote something for your definition. If this is so, make sure the actual quote is enclosed in quotation marks. If not, rework your statement so that it does not mislead your readers into thinking there should be a direct quotation.

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for them. Also, avoid the use of the pronoun "you" as it is also inappropriate in formal academic writing; try using "I" or "one" instead.

There are some spots where things are capitalized that shouldn't be: make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the words at the beginning of sentences.

In regards to your instructor's comments, perhaps you should rethink who your audience is; are they people that know the cube well? Are they beginners that have no experience with it? Once you have them clear in your mind try rewriting the introduction again. Also, in your conclusion try to remember it should reiterate and restate the main points of what you talked about in your paper and leave your reader with a sense of closure and satisfaction.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I am an artist." FSU essay...I need help...Is it too out of the box? [2]

Good evening.

As the prompt for this essay was not included in this posting, I can give suggestions in regards to grammar and mechanics.

First, I suggest a refresher on the proper use of commas. There are some spots where they are in an inappropriate place, or should be present and are not; also, make sure that your punctuation is always enclosed in quotation marks when they are used. I also suggest you run the essay through a spell checking program.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use.
In regards to content, the essay seems disorganized. For instance, I'm not sure what the paragraph on the history class has to do with anything, and the conclusion doesn't tie anything up. Remember that a conclusion is supposed to reiterate what you wrote in the paper and wrap it up, leaving the reader feeling a sense of closure and satisfaction.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / CARE program essay. The palm of my hand sweats as he holds my hand. [4]

I can give you an example of what I see, but it is up to you to make your corrections so that you learn from experience.

"This is the same feeling I would like to experience when I participate in the CARE program."

"This caught my attention because I want to be cared about, not nursed around like a baby. I like knowing that someone will sit down, ask questions, and be concerned about me."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / CARE program essay. The palm of my hand sweats as he holds my hand. [4]

Good evening.

As the prompt for this response was not included in the posting, I can only make grammatical and mechanical suggestions.

First, make sure you stay with one tense throughout the whole piece; if you start out in past tense, don't switch to present tense a quarter of the way through the essay.

Second, if you are capitalizing the whole word of the program, stay consistent with that throughout the essay as well; don't decide not to capitalize it once halfway through.

Third, I am concerned about word usage. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "What values are reflected in my life" -FSU Essay [5]

Good evening.

My first concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, mainly word usage. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. Also, avoid using "you" in formal academic writing; it is inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use.

In regards to content, you've got a good foundation here. You use a good example of strength and tie it into the university's philosophy well, as with strength. The conclusion is a bit shaky because it introduces new information, encouraging a new paragraph but not producing one. I suggest reworking the conclusion to tie up and reiterate the points you've already talked about in the paper.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Thank you Ms. Steward =) fsu essay [3]

Good evening.

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a great essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, mainly spelling, capitalization, and word usage. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

In regards to content, your story is a very concise illustration of the characteristic you chose. Your conclusion is good, but it could be stronger. Try tying in a sentence or two about the strength you write about in the paper.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A Cheerleader - a snobby girl who is usually self-centered and typically not intelligent - UF [4]

Good evening.

Mechanically, make sure that you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences, and that your punctuation is always enclosed in punctuation marks when using them. Avoid using the pronoun "you" as it is inappropriate in formal academic writing; instead, trying using "I" or "one." When using numbers, the general rule is that if it is ten or under, write the number out; if it is 11 or over, use the numerals. Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing as well; it is inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use.

In regards to content, you've got good reasons in the essay, but they need to be associated more closely with the UF campus and community. How will you use these positive characteristics to contribute to this institution? Also, your closing is very nice.

Keep up the good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "motivation, fashion, and compassion"; Florida State University philosophy [3]

Good evening.

I have a few concerns for this piece. You have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, mainly capitalization. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

I agree with zhangyi in that I don't think your response answers the prompt, as you were asked to talk of strength, character, and skill, not motivation, compassion, and fashion. If you want to keep these three characteristics in the response, I suggest you find a way to link them to the ones you were asked to write about.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "in today's world values & goals are a must" FSU essay Vires, Artes, Mores [2]

Good evening.

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, mainly word usage and sentence structure. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

Also, avoid using the pronoun "you" as it is inappropriate in formal academic writing. Instead, try using "I" or "one."

In regards to content, you have good reasons in your response, and the conclusion ties things up nicely.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Career goals and importance of college education in attaining them [12]

Good evening.

I agree with Albo's comments and have a few of my own.
My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, mainly in regards to punctuation and quotation marks as well as colons. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

In regards to content, your conclusion is a bit abrupt. Remember that a conclusion is something to be gradually introduced and should be a wrap up of your whole paper, leaving your reader with a sense of closure and satisfaction.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I had a rough start to my high school career" - FSU Essay [3]

Good evening.

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, especially run-on sentences and overall sentence structure. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

In regards to content, instead of using the story of your mother as a sort of crutch, which is how it is coming across now, present it as a situation which you derived strength from. Being able to live essentially on your own for that month and being responsible enough to get yourself to school and take care of daily things at this age of life is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Rework the middle of this essay to portray strength instead of weakness and it will be a great piece because that strength is the core of your essay. Also, make sure that you keep tying that strength into your life throughout the essay, not only at the beginning.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / For Conell, intellectual interests, their evolution [2]

Good evening.

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good response, but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, mainly the rules of capitalization. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. I also suggest running your paper through a spell checking program.

In regards to content, you have a great goal and you describe it well. I especially like your conclusion.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com