Book Reports / "The Storm" by Kate Chopin - my position paper [11]

20 pages? On that thesis? I don't know. Others who have read the story -- it's commonly found in first-year college readers -- please jump in with ideas.

Undergraduate / "the California State Summer School for the Arts" - TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK [3]

Strike the whole first paragraph. Fill the rest of the paragraphs with more music.

Undergraduate / Failing in school - Significant experience [10]

Uh-oh. Somehow, your essay became less coherent after revision. I'm going to go back to the first version and correct the verb tenses for you so that you can see what I was saying.

When I was in my early years of high school, I thought that even if I did not study hard I could still have a passing grade.andT hat attitude made me a very lazy and carefree student. I was a very lazy student, who slept in class, chatted with his seatmates, was often tardy, and did not participate in any single activity.in school madeThis gave the teachers no reason to pass me. I did even missed my opportunity to try robotics because I was a probation student and also got kicked out from school.

My mom always tells me that I should listen to her. I realized that she was right, that the regret is always in the endfollows poor choices . I really want to say sorry to her because she tried her very best to remind me and even cried for me just to study harder and stop being foolish in school.

Failing in school and taking summer classes every year made me realize that I should stop being lazy. The money and time spent every single year made me feel guilty and very blessed.

Now, I still have a hard time to improve myself, but I am really trying my best. My flaws and mistakes always remind me that I am a person; I am not perfect.

I picked these quotes because I believed that they will help me to accept defeat and look forward to other challenges in life:

"If you learn from defeat, you haven't really lost." And
"Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude."
-Zig Ziglar

Undergraduate / "About being American" - UC Essay Prompt #1. [9]

This feels unfinished. We hear about your initial reactions to moving to the United States, and we hear about why you have changed your attitude. But we don't learn very much about you as an individual or your parents as unique people; other than a vague sense of determination to succeed, we don't learn anything about your aspirations.

You don't need to spend so much time expanding and elaborating on the American Dream. Cut some of that to make room to tell us more about yourself.

Undergraduate / "My world, consisting of the people" - UC Personal Statement Prompt #1 [2]


I'm sorry to hear that, because your introduction needs work. For what it's worth, I'll tell you what you ought to do. Then you can decide whether or not to put in the work.

As it is now, your introduction ambles through commonplace statements about your family before beginning to get to the point. In my view, you should cut everything up to "Sitting in the car for long hours..." and start there.

This, then leaves you more room, in your conclusion, to talk about your dream of being an automotive engineer. You could even bring the conclusion back to the introduction by reflecting on what children might learn while riding with their families in vehicles engineered by you.

Undergraduate / Should I include names in my essay? [7]


I understand how one can get stuck on such things. Just write the essay in a way that feels most natural to you, naming or not naming them as the case may be. It's fine to name them for the essay that you will send in to the university. If you choose to post it here, then you can respect their privacy by using X and Y in place of the names.

Writing Feedback / "pet proposes man disposes" - TOEFL: Should pets be treated as family members? [4]

For a TOEFL essay, this is fine in terms of content. However, the conclusion more coherently states your thesis than does your introduction.

I see that you are struggling to incorporate higher-level language in your English prose. You use words in their proper senses, but the structure of your sentences needs work. When writing TOEFL essays, I'd like to see you write shorter and simpler sentences in order to reduce the risk of grammatical errors.

For example:

It is generally known thatA nimals provide companionship for people who longingly needed and reduce their master's stress.

Letters / My cover letter (a dietary supplement company in Auckland) [9]

What kind of lab work would you be doing?

Writing Feedback / Old saying; 'experience is the best teacher' -Review for CLEP [11]

I notice that you don't state your thesis until the end of the essay. That's fine for certain kinds of persuasive essays (withholding the thesis can be a good strategy to get a fair hearing from readers who you know will dispute that thesis) but generally is not a good idea for standardized tests.

Which CLEP?

Writing Feedback / "Justice can only exist when people obey laws that are not to their liking." [3]


This sentence makes no sense to me.


But, should citizens of Darfur follow laws set by that government? What if that government passed laws mandating exile for all people of a particular ethnicity. Should the people of that ethnicity just go?


Not necessarily. It all depends on how you define "justice." Under totalitarian regimes where lots of people are locked up unjustly, the level of street crime tends to be very low. Does the low crime rate really say anything at all about the level of justice?

My point here is that your argument is very simplistic. It does not take complexities into account. The GRE is looking for more complex thinking.

Graduate / Globalization of healthcare; responsibilites parents -Medical school essays Help [2]

Both of these essays are very strong in content. I invite everyone to help you fix up the grammar.

I notice that you sometimes slip out of past tense when writing of the past. For example:
When we still have our family restaurant, I often sacrifice study time to help out during and after the business hour.
should be
When we still had our family restaurant, I often sacrificed study time to help out during and after the business hours .

Also, this:
Unlike Western perspective of stress as a qualitative substance that could be bottled up.
is a sentence fragment.

Undergraduate / "my Girl Scout leaders" - university of florida addmision essay. [5]

I thought it was okay!

(That's the comment you gave to another user. Not so helpful, eh? Be more helpful to others, and I will be more helpful to you.)

Writing Feedback / "the personal consumption of butter" - IELTS task 1 Homework 1 [2]

This graph shows the personal consumption (in grams) of butter, margarine and low-fat or reduced-fat spreads per week [omit period] during the period 1971 to 1997. It can be clearly seen that there was a gradual downward trend in both butter and margarine consumptionfor over the last decade, and a corresponding steady jump steadily in consumption of low-and reduced-fat spreads.

Butter was the most well- known fat at the beginning of the period, and consumption reached a peak of 150 grams per person per week in about 1975. In the more than twenty years since then, therebutter consumption has been dropped considerably. By the year 1981, the consumption of margarine exceeded slightly that of butter for the first time, and they remained constant at 120 grams for nearly five years, but since 1987 there has been a significant decline in the consumption of margarine, which seems likely to continue. Low-fat spreads were introduced in 1984,and there has been grown rapidly from 10 to 80 grams in their consumption since 1995.

By the end of the study, low-fat spreads were more popular than either butter or margarine.

Undergraduate / "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay [18]


No. Your word processing program should be able to do a character count for you.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay #1/Skating [6]


No, if in fact you don't skate at Olympic caliber, it's better to acknowledge this as you do. That shows maturity as well as the realization that, hard work and perseverance notwithstanding, athletic achievement at the top level depends on in-born characteristics one cannot control -- muscle length, synapse speed, skeleton shape, center of gravity, etc.

Anyway, this is an excellent essay: Lively, engaging, well-written, and to the point of the prompt.

Undergraduate / University of Texas - Austin, Transfer Applicant (Important issue - My Mother) [8]

When I was a kid, my mother never let me sleep or linger against her chest.

Undergraduate / "Difference challenges assumption" - UMich admission eassy [7]

This is an excellent essay: Concise, to the point, and expressing exactly what the university wants to hear.

By the way, "every walk of life" is fine, but "was" needs to be "were" as the subject of the sentence is "all males."

Undergraduate / My dream of studying and helping aqautic animals - UC Essay #1 [16]


Yes. Unfortunately for you, your club name seems to place you among the quasi-environmentalists who only preserve wildlife in order to be able to kill it. All you have to say to avoid that unfortunate misunderstanding is that, unlike the "anglers" who catch fish for sport, United Anglers catches fish in order to save them.

Graduate / "consistent hard work" - Statement of Purpose: Computer Science [7]

No. Sorry. General statements like that are the worst possible way to start an essay. Also, I think you mean "career," not "carrier."

A strong introduction tells the reader something unique about you and/or draws them into the essay. This would be a good first line:

During my High School, I wondered how wind along the mountains is converted into light energy in home appliances and how simple manipulation of electrons and protons could make things which benefit the humanity in tremendous ways.

Undergraduate / "My most profound interests; the universe" - UIUC Essay (#1 of 2) [16]


Most of my life has revolved around one of my most profound interests; the universe .

(And, if you elect not to cut that superfluous sentence, the semi-colon should be a colon.)

Undergraduate / I LOVE HISTORY; Cornell college of Arts and Sciences essay [3]


Start here.

Undergraduate / Failing in school - Significant experience [10]

You've got a lot of tense issues going on. You go back and forth between past and present tense without rhyme or reason. If you want us to believe you are no longer a lazy student, demonstrate this by at least taking sufficient care to write in past tense when speaking of the past and in present tense when speaking of the present.

Undergraduate / My parent's smile and joy- experiences that helped to define you as a person [5]

"Yet, it is surprising that many of us could not decide what to say, being uncertain of the answers ourselves ."


Me too. The introduction is intriguing. The whole essay is intriguing. But mystifying too. Who asked a group of people who they are? Where did this happen? Was that the incident that set you off on this train of thought? Where does the train take you?

It might help us to know not only where you're going with this but also what is the essay prompt you are answering.

Graduate / "My technical focus" - MBA Essay Review [6]


Avoid chiches such as this.


You mean "bottom-up." "Bottoms-up" refers to drinking.

"With experience under my belt, I want to turn entrepreneurial, use my skills to develop long-term strategy, and support innovation and implement change within a social paradigm.

Overall, this is fine, but -- depending on how much competition you anticipate -- you may want to reach for a stronger introduction.

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

A title is not required but is always nice.

Writing Feedback / "Wise people appreciate the little things in life" - narrative essay [5]

Yes, your essay will continue to fit the topic if you add more feeling.

Writing Feedback / Formal educational credentials and hiring employees - GRE essay [5]

This is a solid effort for a GRE essay. I notice, however, that you sometimes have missing words in your sentences. This seems to be a proofreading error rather than a reflection of your proficiency in English, which seems very high. After drafting such essays, it is essential to proofread carefully, as missing words in sentences are very glaring errors that cast doubt on the capabilities of the writer.

Undergraduate / "little incidents" - tell us about someone who has made an impact on thinking [3]

Very nice. Bonus points for using "penultimate" properly. Good story, good message, but I'd like to see a much stronger conclusion.

Graduate / "consistent hard work" - Statement of Purpose: Computer Science [7]

I like the detailed content beginning with the second paragraph, but I'm not thrilled with the introduction, which is commonplace and takes too long to get to the point. Similarly, your conclusion is too vague.

Graduate / What do you consider your most significant life achievement (travel to Pakistan) [4]

This is fine but, given the content, could be written with much more drama and color. Begin with a moment from that trip rather than with a general statement about yourself. Also, include more details (such as what sort of project this was) so that the incident feels more real to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Gay Marriage: Is It Right? [13]

Note: I deleted John6503's comment to which Llamapoop123 is responding, because it ran afoul of our guidelines prohibiting postings that denigrate groups of people. Equating homosexuality with pedophilia is the oldest anti-gay slur in the book and has no place on this forum. John, this is a warning: Any more anti-gay (or anti-Black or otherwise bigoted) statements and I will suspend you. I've not suspended you already only because, looking at your posting history, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming that ignorance, rather than antipathy, led you to make those remarks.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay, Challenges/factors in life that make you who you are [4]

Wow. That's a dense essay. You got tired by the end, eh? And just stopped. You need a much stronger conclusion to pull the whole thing together. You also need to break the first paragraph into two or more paragraphs and to edit the whole thing for concision. But this is an excellent first draft!

Undergraduate / My dream of studying and helping aqautic animals - UC Essay #1 [16]

I'm confused. You say that your dream is to help aquatic animals and yet you are a member of a club called United Anglers? Don't anglers torture fish for sport?

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend Pratt? (personal statement) [7]

It's up to you. Just know that every other applicant has researched the school, etc. You're using valuable space to tell them about their own school. You could say why Pratt is right for you in about a sentence and then use that valuable space to say why you are right for Pratt.

Undergraduate / University of Texas - Austin, Transfer Applicant (Important issue - My Mother) [8]

I'd like you to rethink some of your word choices:

Writing Feedback / Gay Marriage: Is It Right? [13]

Read the research before spouting off ignorantly about such a subject. The vast majority of gay and lesbian people do not experience their sexual orientation as a choice. (Ask yourself: Do you get to choose who you will be attracted to? Who you will fall in love with?) And, indeed, for gay men at least, there's more and more evidence of a genetic component. Next: Children. The research here is clear; children of gay and lesbian couples are not put into "in a state of confusion in terms of sexual orientation." They may face discrimination because their parents are gay. Children of Jewish parents may face antisemitism; children of African Americans may face racism. Surely, you're not saying that people from oppressed groups ought not be allowed to raise children because their children may suffer from that oppression too?

Undergraduate / "My most profound interests; the universe" - UIUC Essay (#1 of 2) [16]


Omit this. Instead, tell us how you feel when you look at the sky now.


It's always harder to write when something you really want is on the line. It also tends to be harder, for some of us, to write about ourselves.


You could tell the Kennedy Space Center visit in much more detail. Or any other space-related experience. But you have to include more feeling and lots of vivid details. Which, come to think of it, wouldn't be a bad idea for the first essay either.

Undergraduate / "the break-dance performance" - UT essay form B [6]

No, I don't think this essay is at all cliche. We don't see many essays about break dancing. What needs work is grammar. For example, I notice that you often omit articles (the, a, an) and other words from your sentences. I'll ask everybody to pitch in and help you find your errors. You can make a start on your own by reading your essay aloud to yourself slowly.

Undergraduate / "Payal was my role model and my inspiration" - University of Florida Essay [9]

Most researchers in any field are driven by some sort of personal connection to the problem they are seeking to solve. Undoubtedly, the field cancer research is filled with people who, like the author of this essay, were first motivated by the death of a friend or relative.

The question really is: Is researching a cure the best way for you to fight cancer? If you are good at science and have the problem-solving mindset of a researcher, then yes. But there are plenty of other ways to combat cancer. For example, much of cancer is diet-related, so becoming a nutrition educator would be one way to help reduce the incidence of cancer. Many cancers are caused by pathogens found in pollutants so, similarly, becoming an environmental activist or educator would be another way to help prevent cancer. Researchers need money and are not always very good at fund-raising; a person with the right kind of personality might make more of a difference raising money for cancer research than by being a researcher.

Whichever you choose, it would be a good idea to include in your essay some facts about yourself that show why this is the best way for you personally to join the struggle against cancer.

Writing Feedback / "About a time when you thought an experience would take place in certain way" [3]


Notice how many times you use the word "professional" in this brief passage. In general, try not to repeat a word (other than common words like "the") in the same sentence or even in adjoining sentences. Also, this passage is wordy, which is a problem that plagues this essay.

Instead:

We tend to trust professionals in a certain field because we tend to, assuming that they have expert knowledge in the field . However, some of them will abuse professional knowledgetheir status to cheat people.