Writing Feedback / Work or travel between high school & university; beneficial or unfavorable year [5]


You write very well. So I don't think you have the potential for going for an even higher band. It seems you follow the appropriate structure, however, attend to that and refine it more. Also, do more practice with time to enhance your time management skills at the exam.

Writing Feedback / The extended family is less important now; 'urban life / communication tools' [3]

It's better that you conclude your introduction with a clear sentence that states your opinion on the argument.

Writing Feedback / 'Gender and jobs relate to gender' - Equal numbers of male and female students [4]


This is a pretty confusing statement. It does not deliver any particular idea. You should open your essay with a strong sentence that has the ability to hook the reader throughout your essay. This line should be short, meaningful, relevant to your topic and catchy too :)

For example;
Gender discrimination can be found in many aspects of life.

Writing Feedback / 'special talents' parent and family background vs teachers influence on children [8]

I think Pahan has given some good explanation for this question. Sorry for not being able to answer you earlier. However, as Pahan explains it is always good to conclude the intro with your opinion so that the reader gets the idea what you think about the issue. If it is a "Discuss both views" type topic, still you can state your opinion and discuss both views in the body paras. By stating your opinion in the intro, you are aligning the reader's thoughts with your desired direction.

Writing Feedback / 'we gather in living room and talk about daily activities' - most important room [4]

Ok, then is this for a Speaking Task? your title sounds like that. :D


Well, I think you need to improve presentation of this reason. This sentence is too abruptly ended :(

You can write well. Follow the same structure I have suggested (of course with minor changes as per the topic). It is pretty much a kind of one fit for all TOEFL essays :D

Wish you Good Luck!

Graduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT; MPH for SOPHAS [5]


In COMMON APPs it is always better to avoid general statements because their, I mean the admission officers, intention is to get a good understanding about the applicant for them to assess whether he's the right candidate. So, it is always better to have the focus on yourself. Comparisons with others are also something that you should avoid. You don't need to compare yourself against others because they are going to do that anyway in the selection process. It might even work negatively for you.

Writing Feedback / 'Game is imagination bowed three dimension'; important for adults and children [6]


.... wrong grammar here;
game is very famous / games are very famous ... singular noun - is / plural noun - are


.... this is totally confusing... You need to improve a lot on your grammar. So, start writing essays with simple sentences with proper grammar. First pay attention to grammar.

I think this is what you tried to say;
I take a moderate position in this argument.

Writing Feedback / Telecomm. effects; 'Edison would be astonished if he saw the use of telephone' [3]

First, what is the purpose of writing this essay? Is it for IELTS? If so, you need to mention that in the title itself if you want to receive more meaningful comments on your essay. Also, include the full prompt in the post so that we know exactly what it is asking for. We cannot have any idea about what your prompt has asked you to write and therefore we are unable to check the alignment of your essay structure with prompt requirements.

Essays / I need to write an essay to get accepted to a summer camp? [3]

Start with your passion for the field and then you need to talk about your future goals and then tell that program and the features of the uni would help you achieve them. You may need to do a little bit of research on the program and the uni. You need to convince them that you have the ability to make use of the program in reaching your goals. I feel this is very close to any average SOP (Statement of Purpose) . There are plenty here and read them to get an idea about the approach.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Jewelry or concert tickets; What is more important for you? [6]


This sentence has two issues - First, it is too long to be a good hook (I guess Pahan provided you with a guideline as to how you should structure your intro, body paras and the conclusion. Follow that guideline approach). Second, the hook should be catchy, meaningful and relevant to your topic. Your topic does not talk about all these things. It simply says;


You need to align your writing with topic without going out of topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2; Students VS Homework - unnecessary encumbrance [5]

Your introduction seems to be too lengthy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; schools as oppose to parents; different forms of violence [6]


Well, if you struggle so much for finding a most appropriate hook, don't trouble yourself. What you can do is start with background part which is the most important of part in the introduction and that also helps you earn good marks :)


Very good idea :)
You write very well, I think you can go for a good band. Do more practicing to gain confidence and manage tiem effectively.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Parents vs teachers: development of a child. [4]


Well this is not a strong hook. The hook should be catchy, interesting and at the same time it should be meaningful and relevant to your topic. This sentence is not very meaningful :(


Your prompt does not say that the majority think so , it says;


.... it says only some people think so.
Always stay aligned with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; UK TELEPHONE CALLS - three categories [5]

First, you need to have a more meaningful title for your essays. Please have a title relevant to your writing in the Subject field when you open a fresh thread. It is god mention "IELTS" in the title too :) This title has been attended by us.


Well, in the overview you need to give us an overall idea about the graph. Here you should talk about major trends or observations that you notice at a glance. Don't have any analysis or data here.

Writing Feedback / ielts writing task - Causes of obesity and worsening people's health and fitness [5]

My best advice for you is that do not worry about how well your writing would impress the reader. Keep writing essays on different topics and post them here. We will help you meet the task requirements and also comment as to how we feel about your writing. Take those feedbacks positively, they are not aimed at criticizing your writing or even they do not mean that your writing is bad. Our suggestions are aimed at perfecting your writing. You write quite well as it is, but you have a great potential to improve more and more :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS; tuition fees, who are responsible to pay? [5]

Over the last few decades, student's fees have been a constant subject of debate due to increasing chargesatmostby many universities. A number of people opineview that it is theeach student who must pay for their ownhis or her university fees, whilst others, including me contend with this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Two possible sites for the supermarket [4]


Hey, sure :D
This is excellent :) You have followed the most appropriate structure, good clear sentences, good vocabulary and impressive presentation :D
Overall, you've done a great job. If you managed time well for this task, I think you are now ready to take up the challenge :) Move on to other tasks now

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'Woman'; behavior of children and the role of a modern mother [6]


You have narrowed down the scope of your topic to a very large scale by this opening statement. Your topic is about modern woman's role in society - her role has changed from a conventional housewife who took care of children to a career woman. This is the issue you need to introduce to the reader and you should not narrow down its scope. Always stay aligned with the prompt and do not go out of topic.

Writing Feedback / Many teachers assign homework to students every day. 'Valuable exercise' [9]

Homework is anexercisesexercise that are familiar for students.helps students to be familiarize more with what they have been taught in the classroom.


... this is not what your prompt has actually suggested. It is;


You need to introduce this issue and answer the question in the introduction itself.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Is social skill as important as good qualification? give your reasons. [19]


Sure :)
It is undoubted that people who are having good qualifications can find a satisfied positioncan stand out others who do not have those credential when they apply for jobs .

In body paras, try to bring up the real reason in the first sentence itself. Then you can elaborate on that idea with one or two extra sentences and then give a specific example to support that reason.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: solution for arresting traffic & pollution?; 'proper mass transportation' [5]

Not at all :D
Keep posting your essays to this forum and I will try my best to provide you with my feedbacks for all of them. Even if I don't by any chance, the other contributors like eddies, Pahan, Arun, tiaDs would help you with very valuable feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; schools as oppose to parents; different forms of violence [6]

Include the purpose (e.g. IELTS) in the title itself (In the Subject field when you open a new thread) so that you can earn more meaningful feedbacks. I included it for this essay :D

Letters / Motivation Letter for a Masters program, (Photonic networks Engineering) [3]

If I obtainingobtain admission to the program, I would like to spend study between Aston University (this part is not clearly presented, you need to rephrase it) where I am going to start and TUB,


I decided to pursue my a post graduate degree instead of working for a local firm because of my country needs professionals in the telecommunication field.

Writing Feedback / ielts writing task - Causes of obesity and worsening people's health and fitness [5]


.... Since this is your hook statement, you need to improve its presentation a little bit;
Today, there are various body slimming medicinal products that you find in the market.


This sounds like a conclusion, and I think this is not the right place for it. I like if you removed this line from the introduction. Now what you need to do is to align your hook with the prompt. So connect the hook with the background of the issue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Men and women are having children late. 'it can be more beneficial' [4]

Taking career preference as an example, most of young womanwomen employeesare very career minded today and have an attitudetend to neglect hertheir family life in order to succeed with their career.

You write very well. I think you can aim for a very good score. Good Job and good luck with IELTS! :)

Writing Feedback / Directors of large companies receive high salary; 'Employees are working hard' [9]

EverwideningEver widening gap in the salaries of directors and normal workersother average employees in large companies is a matter of concern today.much debated concern today. .someSome people argue that it is not fair and ethicalto give high remuneration tofor the directors to be offered with such high remuneration packages while and a very low to the normal employees.others are paid at very low scales. In my opinion, I too believe that the gap between the income levels of these two categories should be reduced.

Good introduction :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - governments or individuals should take care of environment? 'equal role' [6]


This is pretty weak as a hook. Long been regarded for what? Your hook should be more meaningful and catchy. If you do not get a good idea for a hook as you begin to write your essay,start with the background (introduce the issue to the reader) It's alright and I don't think you'd lose lots of marks for not having a hook. Also, if you finish your essay earlier, you can always go back and insert one :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'I can't think too quiet' - Making important decision alone. [7]

AsIn society, people cannot lifelive alone.(have a full stop here and begin a new sentence)theyThey need others person to help them in many aspects. Some of the people prefer to agree that human candecidetake own decisions on their life

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'satisfaction'; People are never satisfied with what they have [8]


Well, you have not adequately introduced your topic. Background of the issue is an important part of your introduction and you would score lots of marks for it.

Book Reports / Term Paper, Comparing two novels with an original thesis. [4]

The British Empire ishad been one of the largest colonies between the late sixteenth and eighteenth century centuries with a higher regard towards the control of for successful controlling of colonial territories and trades.


I think it is better you write this in the past tense;
The thirteen colonies controlled by the British Empire, provided the empire with exotic trades and great wealth, however, this prosperity came at a price. ....What is your reason for writing these few lines in the present tense? Is there any particular reason?

Overall, I like the way you have handled the comparison. :)

Graduate / policy: all students taking same curriculum - isn't beneficial for the society [6]

Ok....let me now help you a little more with the contents;
Can you be sure about the students who just follow the rules and standards blindly ?canWill theyfinally be proper tomake decision just because they are college studentstrained to make proper decisions in life?


Well this idea , in my personal view, is not so relevant to your topic.... You have not convinced your point to the reader strongly :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT - Saving/Spending money [5]


Well, I find this sentence is a bit too longer to be an effective hook.

Writing Feedback / Museum is a place that retain of history object; Visiting museums during travel. [3]

It is always good to mention the purpose of writing your essay in the title itself. For e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc. Then we can align our comments more with task related requirements. However, I guess this is written as a practice essay for IELTS or TOEFL :)

Museum is a place that retainsof historyhistorical objects .


.... this sentence is extremely confusing :( You need to rephrase this sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: What gift would you give to a child develop? 'It is computer' [5]


Almost every parent is concerned about the well being of their children.


.... this sentence contains inappropriate vocabulary :( "Habitually" is not a proper term to use for this idea;
Therefore, the parents like to gift their children with presents that help them grow mentally and emotionally.


.... you need to stay aligned with your prompt;
If I am asked to choose a present for my child, it would surely be a computer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children should begin learning a foreign language; 'every-day habit' [10]


... this has several issues - grammar, presentation, clarity

Education is an important aspect for everybody that heavily contributes to their success.


All these sentences are very loosely connected. You need to have a good flow and for that you need to have your ideas logically arranged. The sentences need to contain ideas that have a connection with one another. :(

Writing Feedback / 'heat-debated topic'; Everyone has the right to get university education? [5]


Well, I think it is not the development of technology or economy, but the increased competition that has got most of the people to follow a tertiary education.

Whether or not should government support free access ofto university education tofor everyone is a heat-debatedheavily debated topic.


... this is not a good thesis statement. Express your view in a clear simple sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg - succesful people who earned a lot of money [5]

Ok, this is your first essay here. So, I need to tell you a few things that you need to follow when you open future threads;

1. Have a more meaningful title for your essay that describes the topic of your essay - Do this in the Subject field (Include the purpose ,e.g. IELTS/TOEFL in the title itself)

2. IELTS essay threads should be opened in Writing Feedback forum - this has been moved from Grammar Usage to Writing Feedback :)

Graduate / policy: all students taking same curriculum - isn't beneficial for the society [6]

First, this essay has been opened in the wrong forum. :( You have opened it in the Graduate essays forum and I moved it to Writing Feedback which is the most appropriate forum for this essay. The forum rule is that you should select the most appropriate forum when you open a fresh thread.

The author is claims that a nation should be sure to make all students attend same curriculum before they enter college.This is apparently a necessary decision for students,


... this latter part is extremely confusing :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Various genre of music ; Traditional more important that modern [6]

Various genreDifferent types of music surrounds people livescan be found in today's world.


Well, there is no such argument between people mentioned in your prompt;


Your prompt is asking you why people need music and whether you agree with the idea that traditional music is more important international music.

Writing Feedback / Many teachers assign homework to students every day; 'not important in Physics' [3]

Some people think homework can help students toexercise comprehension toward lessons.comprehend and memorize what they learn in the classroom.
Nevertheless, other people believe that homework cannot bring any benefitscan have negative effects too.


I think this sentence is not required. It does not add any value to your writing. :(