Undergraduate / I have learned to adapt, learned to be patient and put the hard work - Common app essay [4]

Nischal, I believe that you have not chosen the correct prompt for your essay. The discussion in the essay is centered on your ability to adapt and how it came about. Therefore, it is not focused on an understanding of yourself or others. This is more of an explanatory essay relating to an ability that you have. The way I see it, you have two options to choose from when it comes to changing the prompt for your essay. You can use either:

1. Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome? [
2. Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

The reason why I am suggesting the first prompt is because your essay clearly indicates questions on your part. Questions that are clearly reflected in reference to a time when you questioned an idea. The reason that prompted the question is clear and the outcome is also displayed easily for the reader to understand.

However, you may also use the open prompt option for your essay. The only drawback is that you have to create a clear prompt reference for your essay as a part of the opening paragraph. The first sentence is the topic sentence where you can insert that reference for the benefit of the reviewer.

I've given you the options for your essay prompt choices. You just have to pick the one you feel best represents your writing. There is no need for you to write a totally new essay. This one works just fine.

Undergraduate / What is important to me? PROTECTING OUR NATURE AND ENSURING ANIMAL WELFARE [6]

Without knowing what the actual prompt requirements are for the personal profile, it will be difficult for me to hazard a guess regarding your question. You will definitely have to edit your essay for content since your undergraduate is different from the content of your essay. How you present it, will depend on what the university prompt requires you to present in the form of information or data. The co-relation can be found, provided the prompt is clear about its instructions. I wish you had included the prompt the first time so that I could have given you spot on advice immediately. Instead, you will have to make the thread urgent to receive additional advice once you post the prompt for the essay. Try to write a new essay on your own based on what you think you have to present. Find a way to use your experience in a manner that relates to history. After you write the new essay, come back here to have it reviewed. This time include the prompt and make it urgent so that I can see it immediately.

Scholarship / What's a Study Plan? Is this what it should look like? Graduate School in Korea application [5]

You should write a totally new essay so that you can focus more on representing the study plan requirements in a clear manner. Since your original essay is not in line with a proper study plan presentation, you should not take parts of it and try to make it suit the new essay. It must be rewritten in totality. That is the best way to approach the study plan problems that you have.

Since you will not be leaving Korea once you complete your studies, you need to focus on the EFL teaching problem that you have now. Do not use a series of problems. Pick the most serious problem that you have and build your study plan around that. This is a research paper that will require a methodology study so keep the problem presentation focused on related issues so that you won't have a difficult time doing the research for it.

Undergraduate / Addressing with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago? [3]

Your essay borders on the arrogant and snobbish in this particular line: I don't want to go to a university where I will focus completely on physics, something which I can already do myself and will pursue further in graduate school.

Please remember that you are applying to college. If you believe and are convinced that you already know everything there is to learn about Physics and college is a mere waste of time because you will learn more in graduate school, then why are you applying at all to this university? Take that line out to remove the arrogance of your statement. It is expected that you will focus your academic life on the study of Physics. What you do after classes and the completion of your homework and other academic requirements is up to you, but your focus, academically, will be on physics and related studies.

The overall essay is acceptable without that offensive line in place. It is not a statement that will be taken well by the reviewer. If you want to keep the essence of that line, then you have to rephrase it to sound less arrogant and more respectful of the benefits of college study, the university you are applying to, and the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Criticism welcomed. Application essay [2]

Mranda, your essay lacks a sense of familiarity with the facilities, social activities, student community, and surrounding environment. You speak of how you learn, but not of what specific facilities UNCW offers which can help you further achieve a unique educational experience. It is less about the where but more about the how of your personal and academic development that the essay is concerned with. So, what facilities, both academic and non-academic do you hope to use to help you get over your timidity and shyness? How would you network and collaborate? Which laboratories would you frequent? What sort of after class seminars might you attend? Consider your well rounded educational experience for the essay. Would you attend the local games of the varsity teams? Would you try to participate in the sports or other related activities? If you are mostly an academic centered person, which academic clubs would you be most likely to join and why? These are the questions that the reviewer hopes you can answer so that he can get to know you better by developing an idea of the kind of interaction you might have with the UNCW community of academics and students.

I suggest that you write the essay this way:

Par. 1: Offer an insight into you academic goals and your personality. Offer a discussion into why your academic goals require you to become less timid and shy.

Par. 2: Discuss your academic development using the related guide questions I provided.
Par. 3: Discuss your extra curricular activities, again based on the guide questions.
Par. 4: Conclude by idealizing the type of person you hope to become both academically and personally with the help of the UNCW learning experience.

Remember to keep track of your word count. I am sure this has one. I am just not sure about the actual count. Don't go over, the required maximum.

Graduate / SOP proofreading for graduate U.S. Institutions [2]

Manav, you are over detailing your qualifications in your statement of purpose. The statement of purpose is just that, a career objective explained in relation to your academic, internship, and professional experience. I noticed that you mentioned that you are still an undergraduate at this point so I am guessing you are going for a non-thesis based masters degree. Am I right? It is important that, this being a direct transfer from undergraduate to graduate degree, that you shorten the presentation to help the reviewer better review your academic credentials as an incoming masters degree student.

First of all, open the essay with an introduction to your purpose for studies. No, I do not mean discussing a young age, nor discussing the 11th grade. I am talking about telling the reviewer what your plans are for your career which will include an explanation as to why you are not going for the usual work experience and then masters degree classes route. What is so imperative in your purpose that you cannot wait to gain work experience first?

From that point, you should only present the highlights of your university accomplishments. Only the classes with the most impressive grades and most impressive awards received should be discussed in relation to your chosen masters course. The idea is to convince the reviewer that you have the academic credentials to succeed as a masters student. That you have a strong theoretical and practical foundation, though academic in scope, to help you become an outstanding masters student. Right now, you are presenting so much information that the reviewer will not be able to keep track of what is important and what isn't. Help him out by being clear and defined in your presentation. Only the information that matters should be represented.

When you discuss your final year project, don't just describe it. Discuss its purpose. What do you hope to achieve by completing this damper dynamometer. How will it help build a better car? How do you see yourself further developing this research or project as a masters student? How does this relate to your purpose?

Before you start name dropping the professors of the university, make sure that they will accept student assistants or allow you to continue your research as a part of their own research team. If they do not do those things, then mentioning their names will not help your application. Instead, further develop the reasons you chose the university. Consider its mechanical engineering lab and how it can help you better develop the engine. What sort of research do you hope to accomplish with the support of the university? Why should the university take note of this interest of yours? How do these relate to your 5 year career plan?

You will find that once you apply the corrections I indicated, the essay will be tighter, better informed, and more helpful towards your SOP.

Writing Feedback / Admission essay. The topic is - You have 650 words. Take a risk. [3]

Andrey, when the essay prompt asked you to take a risk, what the instruction meant was for you to discuss something that you had taken a risk on. Something that will help the reviewer understand the kind of risk taker you are. Are you a non-risk taker, a moderate risk-taker, or a full-out, devil may care, I'll only live once kind of risk taker. You are not being asked to discuss risk, its factors, well-known risk takers, and the like. Your mindset as a person who takes a chance is what the reviewer wishes to get to know better in this essay. All of the essay prompts focus on one subject alone. YOU. You are always the main personality in all the essays because you are the one being interviewed for admission to the university. Not other people, not your understanding of others. Just you and your understanding of yourself. Don't muddle the issue. I can see why you might have been confused since the prompt is very general in coverage. You were right to ask for help because not everyone could have understood what the general prompt wanted in relation to specifics.

Undergraduate / Tutoring program - Extra curricular activities essay [2]

Sharon, your tutoring essay is a good example of an extra curricular activity, which is not a work experience. However, your are talking of a student study group in your essay, which is different from a tutoring program. A tutoring program involves one on one activity between a better learned student and the underperforming classmate or a study activity between a tutor and a student. It is not a group study activity. Therefore, you cannot use this essay as an example of an extra curricular activity. What you wrote about is a study group, not a tutoring activity. You should definitely change the subject of the essay from tutoring to an activity that is either a real extra curricular activity (a volunteer activity, community service, helping a neighbor once a week, or something similar.) If you want to do a work activity, you should be doing something like working part-time at a place of business, or being paid for tutorial services. You could use the community tutoring for the extra curricular activity if you are not being paid for it. Just make sure you are not doing it in a group setting for the reasons I previously stated.

Graduate / Required essay for Weatherhead: What values are most important to you? [4]

Hlx, being cooperative is not a value system. That is a character trait. A personal value system refers to hard work, diversity, and perseverance, patience, consistency, conviction, discretion, accomplishment, acceptance, accountability, honesty, are but a few of the academic values that represent a personal value at the same time. You could consider any of these traits to help you create a better response to the essay. Cooperation is not a real value because it is limited in scope. It is therefore, a character trait (being cooperative) rather than a value system.

In addition to that, the prompt requires you to represent at least 3 value systems, not just one. The prompt clearly asks "What VALUES are most important to you?" and "How do your VALUES match..." So you cannot discuss only one value system in the essay. You have to do it in the plural form. At least 3 personal values say one for personal, academic, and social. That should could best cover the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Some prefer online courses to study and they think it is better. Others prefer classroom education. [3]

Dewa, your essay could use stronger adjectives in its presentation. Rather than using the term "strong arguments", try to win the reader over to the existing side of the discussion by using more convincing adjectives other than strong. Words like convincing, compelling, and persuasive in reference to the term "arguments" offer a more authoritative support for your discussion presentation. It also shows a less common vocabulary usage which could help to increase your LR score.

Don't present uncertain thoughts such as "Perhaps the sound reason..." Use conviction at all times to create a strong TA representation. Use the phrase; "The sound reason..." to offer a clear understanding of what you want to say. Since you are speaking for one side of the discussion, you cannot be uncertain when representing the thoughts of others. You need to present it in a manner that the supporter would by using convincing representations of the statement. By the way, know when to use "a" and "an". When the next word starts with a vowel such as "for example", "an" is the indefinite article to be used.

Please always remind yourself that your paragraph sentence presentation can only be between 3-5 sentences. So do not over-discuss a paragraph by trying to use 2 reasons in one paragraph. For this type of essay, you have 3 reasoning paragraphs to use. 2 for the public points of view and one for your personal opinion. The personal opinion cannot be the concluding paragraph of the essay. The personal opinion is always one of the 3 reasoning paragraphs. The conclusion is known as the concluding summary which should merely reiterate the presented discussion topics, its reasons, and your personal opinion, as a reminder to the examiner who by then, should be ready to grade your essay.

Overall you had a good approach to this essay for a first timer. You had some missteps but that is to be expected when one first writes this type of essay. With enough practice runs, you should be able to overcome these minor difficulties and start scoring in the 5.5 and above range in no time. I look forward to guiding you towards at least a 7.5 for your actual test score.

Undergraduate / The harder is the way to a success, the more efficacious it is and the happier we feel; college app. [3]

Mariia, the quotation is asking you discuss a time when you overcame an obstacle. This is an obstacle that may have prevented you from achieving something in the past but then you overcame it and became better or successful because you faced your fear of despair and defeat. With that in mind, you should lose the first 2 paragraphs of your essay and focus on the development of the third paragraph as the embodiment of this quote instead. You have the foundation for the presentation of the fear, that should be a whole paragraph unto itself. Then the despair that you felt regarding your language inadequacies should cover at least another paragraph. Slaying your fears and succeed in the end should be at least 2 paragraphs more. One paragraph to explain what pushed to overcome it and how you overcame it. Then an example of your success as brought about by your ability to stare down the negativity that was holding you back.

Undergraduate / MIT Greatest Challenge Essay: Developing a passion for math [2]

Amil, this is a representation of an interesting activity that you participated in, but provided you with a rude awakening when you began to compete at a higher level. It is a story focus that falls under the second type of discussion topic for the essay. As I read it, the story development began to come across as dry and unimpressive. Maybe because I am not interested so much in Math. However if this story is something that relates to a skill required for your chosen college major, then I do not suggest changing it. Just try to give it more life and a point of interest that someone, say a reviewer who is not very skilled at math and could care less about math-athons, would find himself interested in. Try to deliver a better explanation of how you coped with the failure since the whole point of the essay is to have you explain how you managed the situation. I don't get a real sense of that in this essay. Perhaps this is more of theoretical presentation which is why it isn't that strong when it comes into consideration with other essay requirements.

I think what you should be presenting is more of a character development situation instead. Maybe a scenario where you can prove that you were able to properly manage an event or occurrence that you thought you could not or would not be able to manage. This math situation seems a little too forced for the topic requirements. Then again, that's just me. If you can find a way to make the Math competition topic work to show character development on your part, then that would be great.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement - Common Application - Gynecomastia Disease [4]

Steven, as a reviewer, I will have to be honest with you and tell you that the essay that you wrote does not make any sense. It sounds like you had written it in a different language then used an English translator for the English version. It is extremely difficult to try and understand what you are talking about and what the point of this story is. Your presentation sounds like you either just used a thesaurus to write what you hoped were impressive sounding English words without realizing that the meaning of the word does not apply to the situation you were using it in. This created an essay that did not present a clear self-made prompt, clearly explained essay, nor relatable narrative for the reviewer. It is not an essay that can be used for the open topic prompt at this point.

To fix this situation you have to do two things:

1. Decide what story you really want to tell using Gynecomastia in the essay. Maybe give it a fun title like "Living with Man Boobs" or something like that. From the description of the illness, it sounds like you were just growing your chest into a fit manner. Something that working out could have helped fix. Perhaps working out to remove the breasts could be the prompt for your revised version? It's just a suggestion.

2. Do not use an online translator for this essay. You need to make sure that the words you use are applicable, does not create a non-sensical sentence or paragraph, or causes the reviewer to wonder what you are trying to say. Seek professional services for your editing requirements in terms of grammar, word usage, and presentation flow after you have written your second draft. You may use our Services link above for that purpose if you wish to.

It is important that you come up with a clear prompt for your essay for the reviewer to base the content of your written work upon. Sometimes that is all that is needed to make sure that you can get your message across to the reviewer in a manner he can understand. Post your self-made prompt above the actual essay. Lose the quotation. It is unnecessarily long, does not make any sense, and does not move your essay forward anyway. Good college essays, as far as seasoned reviewers are concerned, do better when the student does not rely on the words of others to explain what he wishes to say in his essay. The reviewer is more interested in your thoughts and how you express yourself than how other people's words apply to your life.

Undergraduate / My inquisitive personality and passion for building fits ideally in Purdue [3]

Feraas, you can explain something about the unique learning experience at Purdue. Maybe discuss a class that relates directly to machine building or design where you look forward to building usable 3D engine models or something of the sort. That would tie in directly with your interest in experimenting at Zucrow Labs. Try to add another sentence to Zucrow Labs by discussing something definite that you hope to achieve while spending your time there. Something you would like to learn about during your non-class hours. Don't just say that the school clubs thrill you. That doesn't mean anything. You are being asked about how that club will support an academic or non-academic interest so you need to mention something specific about the club that you hope can increase your skills or existing interest in a specific function of a pit crew / racing team. So far, you have a decent draft that can be further developed. Hopefully you will be able to figure out how to apply these edits to your existing essay.

Undergraduate / What you learned from working with others? JHU Supplement [3]

Anupam, you are starting the story from the middle. Give the reviewer a background of the activity first. What is this called? White water rafting? Dragon boat paddling? What? If you give the reviewer a background of the activity and why it is important to you, then the lesson from the story will be clearer and more relevant to the prompt requirements.

Clarify why you decided to take the blame for the imperfect paddling process. Were you the one being blamed by both sides? You need to make that clear. I like the way that you gave realistic emotional descriptions in this essay. It highlights the importance of what was going on and the frustration that you felt when dealing with the group. We all have our off days. mentioning your emotions in such as raw manner is good, specially when dealing with an emotionally charged narrative such as this one.

The lesson that you learned is not very clear though. Why did to realize the importance of communication? Did the group realize the same thing? You trusted the others, but did the others trust you? The discussion should go back to you taking the blame for the failure of the first run, what changed, how things improved and what you learned and what the group learned. There should be an indication of individual and collective lessons learned in the end.

Good presentation though. It was engaging and imaginative. I hope you can keep that up in the revised version.

Writing Feedback / The quantity of requests received by the Tourist Information Office in an urban area [2]

Linh, for starters, you should not use an apostrophe after the S in "customers'". Use the term "customer's" to indicate single possession of an object and "customers'" when discussing the possession of multiple clients. In this case, you mean to use the term "customers" to indicate the plural form of "customer" or the clients of a business. You also have a noun disagreement presentation with the term "six month". That should be written as "six-months", which is a reference to the plural form of the months indicated.

Your summary overview is incomplete as you did not indicate what the actual 6 month coverage includes (January - June). I am not sure where you got the year, 2011, from because it is not indicated in the original chart. I guess that was part of the instructions that you forgot to include with the chart. You also did not indicate what method of requests are received, although you mentioned it partially as a part of the trending statement. You need to indicate these information as a complete part of the prompt overview to help the reader keep track of your information presentation per paragraph. Additionally, this is not a diagram but rather a line chart. Make sure to indicate the correct measurement illustration as that is part of the TA consideration.

What other devices are you referring to in the last paragraph? You should have included the phrase "as indicated in the chart" to clarify that you mean the 3 inquiry types present in the chart. There are several overlapping points that should have been presented in the analytical report such as the fact that the email and in person inquiries overlapped in mid February at around 650 and that the same information for by telephone and in person overlapped at 1000 in mid-March.

Look for these comparison points whenever possible to help increase your TA score. I am sure that was part of the original instructions given for this essay otherwise it would not have been made so obvious in the line chart.

Undergraduate / Global Ugrad - Making the difference in the education of students [7]

No. it does not change my opinion of your first essay because the two prompts discuss two different leadership topics. You seem to not have been able to recognize the difference between the two. Please allow me to explain it to you so that you don't use the wrong information for either essay.

The first prompt is asking you to explain what your community activities are and how these activities have helped you develop your leadership skills. Then you have to explain how these qualities and character traits that you built within yourself as a community activity participant has helped you become a future leader. Then you have to explain how you see yourself applying these leadership skills as a participant in the Global UGrad program. The application to the program will have to indicate how you plan to continue with your community activities stateside so help create a more interesting and diversified experience for the program participants.

The second prompt is about a specific leadership instance that you had during your community activities participation. This is not about leadership development but rather leadership in action based on a specific event. The first prompt is a general reference to leadership. In the second prompt, you are expected to complete a self-analysis, the first prompt does not require that.

Those are two different essay prompts that require two different discussion approaches. I hope these explanation clarify things for you.

Undergraduate / Body issues - What passion or inspiration led you to choose this study area? CMU SUPP ESSAY [3]

Hannah, the reference to your 3-year-old-self is an exaggeration that the reviewer will not appreciate. If you were that sort of child prodigy, you would have been enrolled at CMU at the age of 3. Change that. The reviewer never appreciates such exaggerations. Start from a more proper age that could have influenced your interest in art. You can start with finger painting in kindergarten if you wish. From there, describe how and why you transitioned to water color art, then progress from there to oil, pencil sketching, or whatever other art form that has become your passion at this time.

You will need to discuss the reasons that you transitioned to painting the human form due to certain issues you faced early in life. So make sure you do a quick description of the progression of your art form so you can dedicate at least 200 words to explaining your passion and inspiration for painting realistic human forms.

Undergraduate / AIF of Waterloo university - Computer Science or Actuarial Science [4]

Your first sentence is not an educational goal it is a statement of interest in one of two majors. A statement about an academic goal is:

As a future Computer Science major, I look forward to fulfilling my dream of...

If you remove the reference to actuarial science, your statement will better align with the requirement of your interest in your chosen program. If you are not interested in actuarial science (that being a different major and therefore, a different academic goal) then you have to remove it from the essay as it is not really a program you are interested in.

Review the prompt, it is not asking about how your interest in Computer science was developed. Instead you are being asked for the reason why you chose to enroll at Waterloo. You do not need to answer a question that is not being asked in the prompt. You are wasting word count that way when the words could have been used to better explain the required prompt information. Expand on the explanation about what attracted you to the co-op aside from a mere mention of it. What stood out to you about the co-op program? You cannot mention a program without expanding on the explanation.

Undergraduate / Essay for Cairo college —AIO smart sleeve. [4]

Your chosen item for the response does not have a personal effect on your life. It does not have a direct relation to you. You do not use this device. You are only interested in it because of its invention as a tool for a medical purpose. The essay is asking you to choose an invention that has a relevance in your life. Therefore, this is the wrong response.

Think about this essay in terms of your everyday life. What is the item that you use the most, which you cannot live without, that you believe has an impact in your life. If I were responding to this essay, I would say that the Android mobile phone, along with the preloaded Gmap app is an invention that affected my life immensely because I drive my own car and having the electronic map with a voice assistant gives me the confidence to drive to places I have not been before, nor knew how to get to before. I have become a better traveler because of these two inventions.

That is a sample of a relevant response. That you can use to help you define an invention that had a direct effect on your life and you cannot imagine living without due to a specific reason that has to do with your life or its improvement. You can easily justify such a statement for the item and explanation within 100 words.

Undergraduate / UBC PERSONAL PROFILE - traits that make me who I am and the love I have for helping others. [4]

@ValC You should have used the first person pronoun for this essay because you are describing the way that other people see you. It is alright to say :

My closest friends know about (a particular trait) and have often chided me for it. That is why they describe me to other people as ... My parents though, often tell other people that because I am (trait), they often consider me ... The people whom I work with at the local (community organization) have taken note of my interest in XXX which often leads them to picture me as ....

I often say that, because of the combination of these three traits, I can proudly say that I ...

By using the above format, you better represent the prompt requirements in a manner that is better understood by the reviewer due to the prompt instructions for the presentation. By the way, you do need to close the second paragraph. Give is a closing sentence rather than a concluding paragraph due to word count constraints.

Writing Feedback / Underground Station passenger numbers in London! The line graph. [3]

KD, you have shown a very good understanding of the chart. However, your presentation is not always at its best. For starters, the Task 1 essay is always a 4 paragraph discussion. 4 paragraphs ideally gain the writer the best scoring potential overall. Therefore, you should have tried harder to expand your discussion so that you could have written at least 200 words, comprising 4 paragraphs. 197 words, if divided into 4 paragraphs would have worked just as well.

Another potential problem in this essay is that the chart uses military time, which you altered to the 12 hour time presentation in your essay. This runs counter to the chart presentation and, when compared, could cause undue stress on the reader who will have to convert the 12 hour time reference to military time. Remember that the Task 1 essay is scored on data accuracy in the presentation. Do not change any format that is provided in the essay. Military should have been used in your presentation to help with the coherence and cohesive presentation, as well as the GRA considerations.

You did a good job information-wise though. You have shown a good analytical skill as you were able to almost completely provide an accurate presentation of the chart data.

Undergraduate / "Life's short, don't waste it" - Yale writing supplement [4]

This sounds tremendously like two of the most famous quotations about the abilities of man. It isn't original, it isn't explained, it isn't a true inspiration. You merely took the words of others and used it to help you respond to the prompt. This is a self analysis prompt, not a "sayings" essay. So don't use the two most commonly used inspirational quotes to respond to it. Think about something that gives you a purpose in life. It could be a hobby turned advocacy, a community service that leaves you feeling well about your relationship with others, an idea that helps you create a direction for your life, or anything that helps you to direct your life for the better or improves your personality to help you be of better use to those who may require your help. I take it that you are being asked to offer a limited word statement, rather than an essay response for this question. So frame your response according to the character or word count. Don't use the reference you made above. It doesn't respond to the question at all and reads simply like a copy-paste of any general statement that can be found on any inspirational website.

Writing Feedback / The range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich and poor. Is it true? [4]

In most instances, that could be done. However, since you changed the prompt discussion requirements, your essay cannot be adjusted to address the original prompt. The minute you change the discussion parameters from the original, you cannot go back and change it. That is why you have to make sure that you never change the discussion, and you stay within the discussion requirements when writing your response. Always double check the requirements in terms of topic and reason when you finish writing the draft. You should be able to tell when you have deviated from the prompt the minute you compare the required data with your writing. You are not discussing along the required lines. If it was only as simple as redirecting your thesis statement, then I would have already pointed out how you could have done that. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case with your essay. That is why I did not suggest a correction to the prompt thesis statement as I would normally do.

Scholarship / What's a Study Plan? Is this what it should look like? Graduate School in Korea application [5]

Hi Nadia, a study plan for a Korean scholarship is usually very specific. It requires you to think about the masters course you are going to be taking, how you hope to apply your knowledge and training upon return to your country, and how you can build upon that information as a part of your study plan. The study plan normally goes this way, think about what problem you hope to resolve in your professional field upon your return. Now, you already know that the course you will be taking will help you address the theoretical aspect of the problem. But what about the practical aspects and other concerns not taken up in the classroom? What about your specific academic and professional goals that may not be met by simple academic learning improvement? That is where the study plan comes in.

The study plan will address a section of learning not covered in the classroom and other training courses included in the course curriculum. So you have to present the following information in the study plan:

1. The title of the problem you wish to address
2. The abstract
3. The method of study
4. Length of study
5. Study or research, workplace experience / internship requirements the university can help you with
6. Study expectations
7. Future application in the workplace.

The study plan can be up to 2 pages long depending upon the writing instructions. The most common requirements of a Korean study plan is indicated in my list. It should help you address the study plan requirements.

Scholarship / Economic and environmental impacts of petrol stations. Statement of purpose for PTDF scholarship [2]

@lawal lawal If you will just remove the references to your educational background and professional credentials, your essay will be more prompt responsive. There are only specific types of information required for this essay which include:

1. Why you want to receive this scholarship
2. Why you wish to receive a qualification for a single course choice. Not 3. You have to pick just one for specificity in the discussion. No generalizations. The reviewer could decline your application due to the lack of specific course focus.

3. Benefits to your personal development and a clearer reference to career goals that your studies hope to fulfill.
4. An expanded study plan. It has to be more specific than just a simple sentence. Develop a paragraph that explains this line of study in relation to your career advancement upon your return.

Focus only on those 4 aspects of required discussion. Right now this essay is too generalized in discussion. It lacks relevance to the prompt requirements. You need to better thresh out your reasons, think of specific information that could move your application forward, and present it to the reviewer. Your essay at the moment is extremely long but not informative enough so I cannot consider it competitive in terms of application comparisons with other students also applying for this scholarship in the same field.

Undergraduate / AIF of Waterloo university - Computer Science or Actuarial Science [4]

@wuyulon1 you have to shorten the essay by removing the first and second sentences. Basically, you should start at the third sentence with your essay which is a more direct response to the first question. Now, because you will remove the first two sentences, you can explain why you also have an interest in Actuarial Science, which you neglected to explain, as per prompt requirements, in the first version. You don't have to say that Waterloo is your dream university. Simply focus your statement on your academic goals for each major you have chosen as the reason you opted to apply for admission to Waterloo. Don't fill the discussion with useless references and word fillers. That is why you went over the character limit in this version of your essay. Present at least one reason for your interest in Waterloo as the educational source for your computer science and actuarial science choices. There is no need to discuss your high school interests. Keep in line with the required information. After you revise the statement. Review the prompt again to be sure that you did not include useless information or skip required information.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia; I am extremely enthralled by what Columbia's curriculum has to offer [3]

Jamila, don't waste your word count on repeating the prompt. Don't waste your presentation space on a fictional discussion with your mother. Just respond directly to the question and develop your responses with direct references to specific areas of Columbia that impressed you the most. For example, when you say that the university promotes the development of women, mention which specific programs for women either in your course, extracurricular activities, or other references stood out the most for you any why. The "why" should be based on your academic goals or academic beliefs regarding education and academic opportunities for women.

Never refer to the website in your essays. Merely indicate that you learned the information. The how is not as important as the "why" these information impressed you. Try to relate Humanities to courses offered that excite you, but try to make it come full circle with an application to your computer science major. That way the university reviewer will see that you have a clear understanding of how you will receive a well rounded and inter-connected education at Columbia.

Writing Feedback / Distance-learning progammes cannot bring the same benefits of attending college or university. True? [4]

Le, you have not discussed the essay based upon the original prompt instructions. You were being asked to represent your status of agreement or disagreement with the given statement. You are not being asked about your point of view and the reasons for it. However, your reasons could have easily supported a measured response statement in relation to the given prompt. The instructions were:

Original: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your Response: My view is that self-study should be encouraged ...

The original prompt asked you to respond with either an agreement or disagreement with opinion based upon the degree of your support for one of the two statements. It is not asking about your personal point of view using personal reasons. You totally changed the prompt instructions will result in a failing score of 1 for the TA section, thus failing the essay overall.

The problem lies in the way that you discussed the topic for the essay. Here is a better illustration of exactly how and why the mistake occurred on your part:

Original Discussion: Many people use distance-learning progammes (study material, post, TV, the Internet, etc.) to study at home, but some people think that it cannot bring the same benefits of attending college or unversity.

Your Discussion: ... self-study should be encouraged and even become more widely adopted for the following reasons....

Using the above outline, you can clearly see where and how your prompt deviation occurred. The change in discussion slant is what made the essay fail in the overall TA consideration. Once the essay does not get a high TA score, it is always guaranteed to fail in the overall score due to the additional mistakes incurred in the LR, GRA, and C&C section of the scoring criteria. These all combine to create a failing score. The C&C automatically gets a failing score as well because it is not discussing the correct elements based on the original discussion topic throughout the essay.

Letters / A Program application: Express personal, educational background, practical experiences and interests [3]

Luu, you do know that each university will have certain specific requirements for each essay you are to submit right? You cannot submit a generic personal statement cum motivational letter, cum study plan, cum professional goals letter. That simply will not work because each profile for the essay you mention in this letter is a separate essay unto itself. You cannot develop everything in combination. You cannot pre-empt the essay requirements and hope that you can develop a single essay that will cover all the bases. While you did not waste your time writing this essay, you cannot expect to submit this letter to all the universities for a singular essay requirement because there will always be several essays required. You did manage to write a specific series of topics that you can apply to every masters essay requirement that might come up though.

The 1st and 6th paragraphs will make an excellent basis for the foundation of your motivational letter. While paragraphs 2-5 can be used to develop your statement of purpose and various versions of it, depending in the SOP requirements of each university. That is why I suggest that you find out the essay requirements of each university you are applying to at this point so that you can develop the aforementioned paragraphs for each specification. Don't confuse your essay presentation. Each essay must be prompt specific and responsive otherwise the essay will not be able to help in your application process.

Undergraduate / Northwestern supplementary essay - (night life , research, club) [3]

AOB, the total essay is actually very well thought out, all the way to the end where you discuss the social life you expect to have both on and off campus. However, it would be better if you suggest ways that the student community of the university can help you de-stress after a day of stressful schooling or relax over a 2 day weekend. Focus on how you can help Northwestern students develop a unique night life based on campus activities. Which activities in particular do you wish to support? How do you see yourself enjoying these activities or bringing a sense of "newness" to the activity? Maybe you want to start your own club for a particular extra curricular activity you have and would like to pursue or introduce to the students as an after school activity? Think beyond ASL. Overall, your essay is well developed so far. You just need to adjust the after school activities section of your response to be more student community inclusive and less public experience focused.

Graduate / Pursuing a business analyst with optimized data-driven recommendation after MSBA at ABC University [3]

Yongju, none of your responses align itself with the prompt requirements. It is as if you just decided to write the essay, without considering the list of required information as indicated by the university. This is not an essay that you can use. Rather, you have to write a new essay that considers the prompt requirements the reviewer will be looking for. Clarify your responses with identifiable references to the prompt requirements to prove that your response aligns with the question being asked. It would be better if you list the prompt questions separately and then develop a response for each question in outline form. That way you are sure you are not missing out on responding to any question and also, that you have enough information for you to strongly develop a full paragraph response upon. Once you have completely responded to each prompt in outline form, develop the paragraph presentation. After the complete paragraph is developed, edit the content for word count. Then come back here so we can review your essay for proper finalization.

Writing Feedback / The range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich and poor. Is it true? [4]

Ervin, you have just managed to score a 1 with this essay. You failed the TA section because you did not discuss the essay as you were instructed to. Rather, you created your own 2 pronged discussion points, thus changing the whole slant of the discussion and altering the instructions that you were provided. Look at the following alteration:

Original Discussion Instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your Discussion Instruction: This essay refers to two main pointers. Firstly, how technology is making it easy to access information and secondly, how automation is affecting people of lower stature.

The two points of view for public discussion in this essay are:
1. ... the range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich and poor
2. Others think it is the opposite effect.

Therefore you are to only discuss the "economic" aspect of the topic. That is, whether an economic gap exists between the rich and the poor because of the available gadgets. The question is "does being able to afford the latest in technology reflect the financial status of a person?" It has nothing to do with access to information, much less the effect of automation on people. This is all about the "economics" of acquiring the gadgets.

You decided to create your own discussion method for the topic you chose to discuss, which has nothing to do with the original prompt:
Original Prompt: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your Prompt: None

You created a personal opinion discussion for the essay that does not align itself with the original topic and discussion instructions. That is why this essay cannot get a passing score. You showed that you do not know how to follow English instructions, that is, if you understood the instructions at all. Based on this essay, it looks like you did not understand the instructions overall.

Scholarship / Training teachers - How the Program Fits Your Education and Future Plans, FLTA Essay [2]

Dany, your reasons are too shallow when referenced in your writing and too generic overall. You do not indicate a clear passion for your work and an explanation of your academic and professional goals that would convince the reviewer that you have strong reasons to join this program. The reference to attending other related conferences takes up too much of the reasoning section, when it should not be present in this discussion at all. Think about the meaning of the quote you used to open the essay. That paragraph is an excellent starting point. Use the reason that you presented, about language acquisition as the basis of your reasons to participate in the program. Drop the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. Build the response around the acquisition reason alone.

Move the 2nd-rd paragraph down to the training and education. Build a stronger future objective around those reasons. The current presentation is so unimpressive, it is isn't going to make any sort of impression on the reviewer. You need something that will tell the reviewer that you are trying to open a new avenue for foreign language education in your country. That would be more impressive and memorable to the reviewer.

The future plans are too common among language teachers. Try to develop a stronger plan. One that will clearly set a unique language education center or turn you into a cutting edge professional as soon as you graduate from the course. This is a good start, but it is a plan that all language teachers aspire for. You need a future plan that will set you apart from the other applicants.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Parents often give children everything they ask for and do what they like. Is it good or not? [3]

Tran, your opening paraphrase was almost completely correct. You did well by paraphrasing the topic for discussion. You also managed to respond to the question if you think that submissive parents are good for children. However, you were not able to present the discussion reasons for the consequences as the children grow up. If you had mentioned at least one consequence as a direct response to the question, the first paragraph paraphrase would have been almost perfect and could have boosted your TA score to a higher scoring consideration.

The second paragraph offers a completely developed response for your topic sentence. However, you presented a secondary topic at the very end, presenting only the discussion topic, but not really developing the reason through explanation and examples. So rather than having a strong secondary paragraph or reasoning paragraph, you ended up with a partially developed discussion paragraph. Next time, it will be better to use only one topic per paragraph. You can do that because there is a maximum 3 paragraph allowance for the reasoning paragraphs. Therefore, you can fully utilize your GRA plus C&C scores if you go the one topic per paragraph route.

Don't use connecting words such as "Because" to start the sentence. The term is used to connect another idea with the previous sentence in most instances so it can only be used in the middle of a sentence. Try not to use "etc" as well because that somehow reduces the academic integrity of your presentation. Try to present all information using commas and close with a period to give a solid explanation instead of saying "and so on and so forth" which is what "etc." means.

So far, I can see your potential to create academically compliant essays. You have the ability to use English words in a manner that helps you express yourself clearly to the reader. While you should work on becoming more fluent in English, your writing still comes across an understandable and well presented so that is a plus for you and a good foundation for your future practice tests.

Undergraduate / What book or piece of literature you believe is important for the entire Colgate Class to read? Why? [3]

Anupam, if you reverse the presentation of the paragraphs, you will be able to reduce the word count without having to change the way you wrote the essay for the most part. By presenting the questions you hope to have the class of 2023 debate upon, then presenting the title of the book and what the topic of the book is about, then simply saying that the book opens the debate to the questions you posed because of specific reasons, the word count goes down and the interest in the book will peak. You can opt to lose the full second paragraph since you rearranged the presentation of the question and the coverage of the book. The second paragraph loses importance in the presentation so you can safely remove it. Compress the meaning of that paragraph into the summary of the book instead. That should work just fine.

Undergraduate / Com Apps essay - the story of great Hustler, Ignazio Wexler [2]

Kim, this is an interesting piece of creative writing. However, as an open topic essay, it does not make very much sense due to its presentation. You may want to rethink being overly creative in the presentation and instead, create a real prompt and a real discussion for this presentation. Why you are allowed to use any approach you wish for the open topic writing, you should at least make sure that the reviewer will be able to get a sense of what the presentation is about either by presenting your own discussion prompt before the essay or, at least offering an explanation of what he is about to read. Unless you spell it out, in this instance, the reader gets lost and doesn't really know what you are trying to say about yourself.

Who is the host? Who is Ignazio? What is the relation of the earphones? What is the relationship of this presentation to you? It's just a confusing piece of open topic writing. I am afraid you got too engrossed in going free rein that you forgot that you will be presenting this the reviewer in absentia so you won't have the opportunity to explain what you want to accomplish with this presentation.

Writing Feedback / The world has become more advanced than in the past. The family structure and capacity has altered. [3]

Annantha, you have a noun phrase problem in this essay. The term "negative changes" should have been written as "negative change". You need to change the verb form since you presented an auxiliary word "discuss". As you are still talking about it, you should say "will be discussed" instead. That shows the ongoing status of your presentation. There are several other presentation problems in your essay but I believe that these are the most pressing that need to be addressed in the presentation.

Your opening paraphrase is a hanging phrase. It ends with a sentence that does not make much sense since yo used the term "Furthermore" which means in addition to or besides. You did not add information nor did you expand the discussion. Therefore, this paragraph is short of the 3 sentence minimum paragraph requirement. A clearer and more acceptable paraphrase is:

The past few decades has shown a change in family dynamics. There are several reasons for this changes which I will be discussing in this essay. Based on the changes that I will be presenting, it appears that there is a negative trend occurring within the family structure.

In the second paragraph, you did not need the connecting word "be" for the first sentence. Simply saying "can arise" shows the use of the connecting word "can", there is no need to add "be" as it is a redundancy.

Since you are in the present time and discussing this essay, the present tense must be used throughout the references. Therefore, it is not "interfered" but "interfere". You can say "can be deflected" because that phrase does not make sense. Rather say "can change the real function..." You should never say "according to" unless referring to a statement made by another person.

You wrote a good concluding summary, but you wrote it as a run on sentence. Next time, separate the presentation into 3 sentences since there is a minimum sentence requirement and you will lose GRA points for writing run-on sentences.

Graduate / 'singing and photography' - SOP: Describe your motivation for pursuing a master's degree. [2]

Hlx, you should connect your interest in the masters course as it relates to your worksite problems. Rather than telling a story as you did at the start of the essay, talk of your frustration instead that led to your desire to fix the situation. Then explain how you think that the course the university offers will help you resolve it. By addressing the way that your profession has prepared you for this career, you also respond to what you can contribute to the Weatherhead culture.

I don't really feel a sense of the fit that the MS course will have with your career plans because you have not picked out specific elements of the learning program to help address your professional goals. I more appropriate presentation that you can use is something like the following:

As a graduate student who will be equipped with the ability to... I plan to implement these newly learned skills in the short term by... These skills should continue to evolve in both theoretical and practical approach as I apply these learnings and skills to my long term goal of...

You need more specifics in this essay. References to useful skills that have prepared you to take on this course must be made in a course, training program, or internship basis. Meaning that whatever skills you have developed during your professional time must reflect a usefulness in the course curriculum or practical applications if it should be required of you to do so.

Your reference to Weatherly references what you hope to achieve, but not what you hope to contribute to the student community or the learning process. That means you haven't correctly responded to that prompt requirement in the essay. You have to add that part. To meet the word requirement, try to compress the first 3 paragraphs worth of information into one content expanded but word limited paragraph. If you come it at 225 words, you will be all set with your response.

Writing Feedback / Should pictures replace words on TV news and in newspapers? [3]

Han, your opening paragraph is very confusing to read. You have to remember that there is a difference between pictures published in newspapers and pictures used in the news reports. The prior is read while the latter listens to the news report that accompanies the picture. That difference should be clear in your presentation so that you can better explain the way that the news affects the people in different forms. Now, since this is a direct question essay. You should have stopped at the disagreement reference. The last line in your presentation indicates a prompt deviation because you did not focus on the correct discussion topic anymore.

Original Topic: Some people say that these pictures are more effective than words.
Your Deviation: I will first describe the prominent aspect of the pictures, and second, discuss its function as an illustration.
Your Actual Topic: I do not agree that pictorial news can expose and determine the information better than words.

You accidentally created a prompt deviation in your effort to try and create an impressive direct response. A simple and straightforward response is always the only think you have to present in a direct response essay. When you try to over do you presentation, there is a tendency for you to confuse the discussion, as you did in this essay.

Please be careful with your vocabulary use. There is no such word as "prededence", You mean to say "precedence" which means the condition of being considered more important than someone or something else. Review your essay every time before submission and make sure you have double checked all the scoring requirements to avoid point deductions once your work is scored. Every mistake has an equivalent subtraction from your total score, which could result in your failing the test.