Undergraduate / 'overwhelmed with emotion' - Transfer Applicant - George Washington University [10]

Daisy, your essay really went on too long for a response statement. You had a number of irrelevant statements that did not apply to the prompt expectations in terms of your narrative so I felt a need to just edit the paper for you. I worked on it offline and I will be posting the 135 word response to the prompt below. Please believe me when I tell you that your response cannot get any better, nor any more informative than this. Adding anything more would just result in a prompt deviation.

I would love to have the opportunity to attend a recognised institution for entrepreneurship, and that is exactly what George Washington University is. When I visited GW this past fall, I was impressed by the breadth of academic offerings in business and management. I absolutely love the integration of research experience for undergraduates in the academics.

I am fascinated by the university's approach to the field with a significant emphasis on research and global education. I will admit that it has a great appeal to me. By attending GW, I hope to deepen my knowledge and experience in entrepreneurship.

Although I am transferring for mostly academic reasons, I am also excited for a fresh start in a new environment. Washington, D.C. is filled with innovation, and I have quickly fallen in love with its atmosphere.

Writing Feedback / The line graph illustrates the percentages of automobile possessors in Great Britain [2]

Please try to avoid redundancies in your word usage. Try to vary the use of descriptive words in order to prolong the interest of the reader in your essay. Excellent work in dividing the introductory information to cover 2 paragraphs. It removed the redundancy of the information that you provided, showing that you clearly understand how to properly use the information in the chart.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Observation of automobiles number owned by British people from 1971 to 2007 [2]

Hasdi, you kind of forgot to create the 3 sentence minimum summary for this report. Not to worry though, I think it was just a formatting oversight on your part that caused the format problem. Let me show you what I mean while I address the other problems in your essay as well.

A breakdown of the number of caSr per household in Great Britain (THIS IS A PROPER NOUN. THE COUNTRY IS KNOWN AS GREAT BRITAIN SO THE PROPER NOUN CAPITALIZATION RULES APPLY) from 1971 to 2007, WHICH IS A a 36-year period, is presented in the line chart.Overall, it can be seen that car ownership in Britain increased between over the yearS. In any case, a Although the proportion of households with two cars mounted INCREASED slightly, the number of citizens without a car decreased.

- Combining the first sentence and the next paragraph automatically fixed the formatting problem for this paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The discrepancy of the amount of money spent on food, drinks, tobacco and other things [2]

Hi Caroot :-) Yours is one of the better versions of this written report. That said, it still requires some attention i n terms of grammar and sentence structure as shown below: You just need to make sure that your sentences are complete trains of thought instead of hanging sentences.

A breakdown of the proportion of consumer purchasing products in five different nations in DURING THE YEAR 2002, a year period is represented in table. Overall, there are three categories OF items. In any case, w While food, drinks and tobacco was HAD the largest percentage OF EXPENSES over the year, the figure FOR leisure and education experienced the lowest rates.

The most popular consumer spending was on SEEN IN THE SECTOR OF food, drinks and tobacco, presenting 28.91% in Ireland and in Turkey at 32.41% which was the highest proportion OF EXPENSES SEEN. As the same way TIME, Turkey had predominantly spending SPENT on leisure and education at 4.35%. In contrast, expenditure on clothing and foot wear saw higher RATES in Italy at 9%, than the other countries.

However, the proportion of consumer purchasing witnessed WAS the lowest in Sweden on food, drink, and tobacco at 15.77% and only 5.40% WAS SPENT on clothing and footwear. Compared with Spain which had A higher percentage for these figures at 18.80%, but HOWEVER, the figure for leisure and education was the lowest at only 1.98%/

Writing Feedback / The national consumer expenditure on various items in five European countries in 2002 [2]

Hasbi, just a word of caution regarding your summary paragraph. It is currently missing one sentence in order to represent the 3 sentence minimum requirement of the essay. Please take note and make sure to have the minimum 3 sentence overview. Get use to writing at least 3 sentences as an overview otherwise, you could risk some points deduction in the actual test. Please take note of the countries in the list. Always mention them in correspondence with the percentages you are indicating in order to create a comprehensive and informative report.

Undergraduate / How does USD stand out among all of the other colleges to which you are applying? San Diego Uni. [4]

Daniel, your response to the prompt is too cut and dried. There is no personal connection nor true interest on your part that could explain your interest in attending the university. When you base your response upon research done in an Academic Enrichment class no less, you tell the reviewer that "Hey, I wasn't really looking for a university, I just happened to come across this and I thought I'd try it on for size." That is not the kind of image you want to share with the person assessing your qualifications to attend their university.

Do some personal research on the university instead. Add a personal voice. Don't say "Your university..." as it implies that you cannot see yourself as becoming a part of their community. Delve into the academic world, not just the extra curricular. What is it about their academic side that appeals to you? Talk about how their classes can inspire people, or their professors whom you are familiar with due to their accomplishments outside of the academic world so you hope to work with them. Those are some academic reasons that would make the university stand out for you.

Try to talk more about the Summer Fellows pacemaker activity and how you see yourself improving as a person because of your possible participation in it. Explain how the university mission and objectives make you want to become a better person so you would like to attend their university. Develop that personal connection and reasons for your desire to attend their university as the reason that this university in particular stands out in your opinion.

Graduate / MS Engineering Construction Management - Statement of Purpose [4]

Mario, there are 2 wonde4rful things in your essay that I found which will tremendously help you in developing this SOP. My first discovery is that you are changing careers but within the same industry. That is something that is sure to impress the reviewer because you obviously have plans for your further career advancement and improvement. You are not just studying a masters degree because you feel like it as most people, some who are students who do not have an ounce of work experience in their resume, do. You actually have the background with which to properly pursue your masters degree. The second discovery that I made, is that you have an actual masters thesis topic in mind. Excellent!

Having a masters thesis topic in mind tells the reviewer that you have carefully considered your university options and therefore, you made your decision to apply for an invitation to attend their university based upon careful research in relation to your true professional interests. I applaud you for this commitment that you have to your profession.

At this point, it is no longer necessary for you to discuss your college achievements and studies. You have already presented the two most important parts of the SOP; a question to be answered through your masters thesis, and a desire to further improve your career. You already have bonus points with the reviewer at this point.

Now, all you have to do is discuss the way that the university you have chosen can help you develop your masters thesis. Explain how you plan to help yourself to the various facilities and internship opportunities that the university offers. Be highly specific at this point. Your aim should be to inform the reviewer about how you have the potential to further improve their student community and increase their standard of masters degree education by another level or two. These are the most important points and aspects that should be presented to the reviewer for his consideration.

Undergraduate / I had a round table discussion assignment on current supreme court cases the following week. [4]

Samantha, I believe that the essay you came up with is right on the mark for the prompt. The way that your class discussed the landmark decision about same sex marriage shows that it is a topic that is no longer taboo in our classrooms. It also proves that students are now treated more like adults in the sense that your opinions were received instead of quashed by the school administration. Your discussion of the events that unfolded really made the essay a very interesting read.

However, I believe that you could have spent an equal amount of time developing your state of mind or opinions about the case. It is always best to fully develop the discussion of your original opinion on the case prior to the supreme court decision and your class debate on the topic. I am sure that you have already been a part of some sort of discussion or exposure to the topic before. So, it is rather important that you offer the reviewer an early idea as to what your opinion was, prior to the assignment and research.

You can then mention if you changed your mind about it or not. I don't really get a clear sense of your opinion prior to your doing research for the assignment. Did you have any sort of opinion about it or did you just develop one for the assignment? If you just developed it for the assignment, then please make that clear. The only thing we have clear at the moment is that you support same sex marriage and the debate did not change your opinion. But since it is based on your homework, we are left to wonder if this was your opinion even before the assignment? This is something that could occur to the reviewer as he reads your essay so you need to be sure and plug that hole just in case.

Undergraduate / Dartmouth College Supplement Essay- Link Crew Leadership [2]

Zhang, this Link Crew experience is something that will definitely help you with your college application. It is an essay that really shows us your interest in using your extra curricular activities to help the students of your school. However, I do not think that the essay should end with the story of Kobe alone. You have more than enough room to expand upon your Link Crew experience so use it to your full advantage.

I would have liked to have read a little bit more about your involvement in the organization. Going past Kobe, how did becoming a member of this organization inspire you to help others? How did you find this club? Try to present a clearer idea as to why you decided yourself to helping students through this organization.

Also, can you clarify what kind of talk you were giving ? What was the orientation about? Is Link Crew a school organization? Or is it a group that supports a main group? If possible end the essay by saying that your experience at Link Crew is something that you would like to continue at Dartmouth, but if a similar group does not exist, then you would be more than happy to spearhead the start of a similar group there. That way you can show an interest in the continuation of this pursuit during your college years. This will highlight the importance of the activity and organization to you as well.

Writing Feedback / 'Obesity in America' - Sophie Davis Essay #2 - the major domestic problem confronting the USA [2]

Stacy, I am afraid that you used a nice topic for the essay but did not really reflect too well upon the possible solutions to the problem. If you did further research, you will have discovered that most schools in the US now serve meals that are as healthy as possible because of the crackdown on the junk food being served in the guise of "quick and healthy" meals. The American school boards have also had a problem with funding so Physical Education has been given either a reduced budget or has been totally removed from the curriculum of some schools because of the lack of budget allowance. So your two suggested solutions are flawed. You should do more advanced research on the topic in order to find more viable solutions for the problem related to school served food.

As for the adults, the restaurants have already started cutting back on their serving portions. So you may want to rethink that suggestion as well. Even the places like 7/11 have cut back on their soda sizes. Maybe looking into how technology can encourage people to eat healthier and get moving by encouraging them to have indirect exercise could be one way to solve this problem.

Your essay discusses a very common topic so finding the additional information should not be hard for you to do. Having said that this is a pretty common topic, you may want to consider looking into a different domestic problem that could perhaps be more memorable to the reviewer. This topic might be turned in by more than 50 students so you should try to pick a topic that can set you apart. Perhaps a topic regarding helping police to regain the people's trust? Or how getting part time jobs has become harder because full grown adults are also working the same jobs, or something along those lines would help you create a more unique essay.

Undergraduate / I thought she was DEAD - [UC Prompt 2] [14]

Tonya, the essay definitely needs editing mostly because you kept the original essay, mixed it with the version I developed for you, then added information to it that only made it longer, but not necessarily better. In my opinion, this essay is even far darker than the first one tha tyou wrote and totally removed the focus on you as the author of the essay.

The only way to cut down on the essay is to remove most of the concentration from your mother, which is what I originally tried to do for you. The new information you put in, the reflection that you indicated, is not really needed in the essay. You are trying to gain the empathy of the reviewer when you should be aiming to earn his admiration instead. You came from a traumatic experience, so instead of blaming yourself for what happened and putting that in the essay, you should be using the event to present the strong side of your personalty instead.

Don't go for the pity factor. Don't try to tug at the heartstrings of the reviewer. Instead, tell the reviewer that where your mother was weak, you were strong and you would never have realized that you had that inner strength unless you committed suicide. So what she did was actually a blessing in disguise for you. It helped you realize that parents will have breakdowns and the child will be called upon to take charge when those situations happen. Which is why you are grateful to your mother for what she did. She allowed you to learn about an aspect of your personality that you did not know before.

At this point, your essay has taken on a more serious and negative turn. The preceding paragraph contains my advice as to how to lighten your essay and end it on a positive note. I hope you can try to make the necessary corrections to the essay so that we can help you further edit it.

Undergraduate / My fencing world teaches me to work diligently on things that I am passionate about - UC prompt 1 [7]

Ala, while I admire your fencing skills and dedication to the sport of kings, it does not accurately respond to the prompt. The story that you have related does not exactly reflect how your dreams and aspirations in life were shaped by fencing. Does it relate to your chosen major in some way? If it doesn't I am not sure how applicable it can with regards to the prompt requirements. One of the problems that I see with your response is that you always offer a group response to certain activities rather than a singular response regarding the effect of the activity on you.

While I understand that fencing is a group sport in the sense that the score of one team member means a better chance of winning for the team, I don't see how this method of competing has affected your dreams and aspirations in life? Unless your aspiration in life is to become part of the national team and your dream is to play the sport in the Olympics that is.

You could try to revise the essay based upon the following line:
The world of fencing teaches me to work diligently on things that I am passionate about no matter how difficult the process may be. In college, I wish to explore something that I'm as passionate for as for fencing and dedicate myself into that area in order to success and excel in that area.

You obviously were personally influenced by the fencing world. So rather than pointing out the negative, like not being able to go to the movies with your friends because of practice, try to discuss the positive influence the sport has had on you. Just you. Not the whole team. By putting the spotlight on your dreams and aspirations and the way that fencing has influenced that aspect of your personality, you will have bene able to revise the essay to offer better prompt adherence.

Undergraduate / I had the opportunity to experience Latin American culture - University of Washington short response [4]

Julian, you need to rethink your approach to the prompt. You need to revise your opening statement to reflect that your exposure is mainly with the Latin American community. Your experience does not have to be, and is not expected to have come from travels either domestically or internationally. It can be anything from having a neighbor of a different race, or as in your case, simply observing an occasion celebrated by another culture that represents their traditions.

Rather than discussing the festival that the Latin Americans celebrate in your community in vivid detail, concentrate on focusing on the positive experiences that you had there. Note any negative interactions you might have had as well. Then make sure to compare these experiences with your own experience in your culture or family traditions. This is an essay about diversity so discussing two different cultures will not be frowned upon. Rather, the reviewer will tend to embrace it.

You can really approach this essay from a compare and contrast point since the essay asks you to describe your experience and your observations. By comparing the other culture with your own, you can then deduce that there are some things to be learned from both communities, most specially if there are certain similarities or shared traits between the two. By developing your essay response in this manner, you will be able to reflect a positive outlook regarding the experience and observations that you have come to understand.

Undergraduate / GPPA Program: Why direct to medical school? [5]

Serena, I really like the way that you titled this essay. It really caught my attention and drew my interest into what you had to say. I realize that you are writing a personal statement for medical school, but there are really some points lacking in your essay. Being a personal statement, the highlight of this essay should revolve around the development of your interest in medicine and should also offer a response to the question that you posed.

Your second paragraph makes the essay lose momentum because it tells the reviewer commonly known information about why people opt to become doctors. You should avoid that. Instead of that paragraph, I would go directly to the paragraph about your grandfather instead. That is a highly influential part of your life that definitely helped to increase your interest in the field. I have just one question though. Where is the response to the question you posed? Why did you decide to attend medical school directly?

In this type of personal statement, you can take the opportunity to explain why you would not pass through the regular hoops of attending medical school such as taking up a major in Biology first. What makes you think that you can go to medical school directly? As far as I know, medical school requires students to first have a strong foundation in Science and Math. Have you already completed pre-medical school studies? I don't think so, otherwise you would not have title the essay "Why Direct To Medical School?" I believe that you should reconsider your application in this case. That is, unless you can prove, with your existing credentials that you do not need to build your foundation for medical school studies first.

Writing Feedback / Three ways to collect and analyze meteorological data - Australian Bureau to forecast the weather [2]

Hasbi, there are some grammatical corrections required in your summary report. I will note those for you below:

Overall, it can be seen that there THERE are four main stages in the process, beginning with the collection of information about the weather.

A more detailed look at to the diagram reveals that the first and second of the process.

Firstly , the data source comes from satellite and IS presented AS A photograph for analyzing. Secondly , incoming information can IS be received by radar and presented for analysis as ON a radar screen. Finally THEN, drifting buoys also receive data which ...

For the THE third step is THE broadcasting process.

... this information is delivered to the public on the screen on A TV, on the radio AS AN AUDIO WEATHER REPORT, or as a recorded telephone announcement by THE public telephone grid.

Writing Feedback / Diagram shows that the percentage of people aged 65 and more is predicted to increase [2]

Hi hasdi :-) I would like to offer some corrections to your report. By the way, your introductory paragraph which is supposed to contain your report overview does not follow the IELTS standard of at least 3 sentences per paragraph. So you need to add another line to that in order to make it more adherent to the test requirements. I'll offer you a sample of how to do that below.

A breakdown of the proportion of elderly people OVER A 100 YEAR PERIOD, from 1940 to 2040 CAN BE SEEN IN THE LINE CHART. THE FORECAST IS FOR THE COUNTRIES OF THE USA, SWEDEN AND JAPAN. THIS REPORT WILL PRESENT THE DATA INDICATED IN THE CHART. as a forecast year, a 100-period year is presented in the line chart. The data is carried out from USA, Sweden, and Japan.

Overall, it is clearly seen that the percentage of people aged 65 and more ABOVE is predicted to increase. In any case, although figure the number of people aged 65 or more in Japan experienced the lowest one in the first year, this figure is overseen to surpass and becomes the greatest one. (YOU NEED TO COMPLETE THIS PARAGRAPH BY PRESENTING THE ACTUAL NUMBERS AS MENTIONED INT HE CHART)

To begin, there was a huge changes between the first and the last view year. 1940 showed that all of the figure stood at just under 10%, OF which JapanESE societies WERE was the least. On the other hand, all of the levels increased significantly and showed a reserve (RESERVE WHAT?). The percentage of USA inhabitants ELDERLY witnessed the lowest one INCREASE at approximately 23%, while THE figure for Japan reached a high of virtually 27%. WITH the level of more-or -65-OR MORE-aged-Sweden SWEDISH population was between them.

Next, there was were an increasing E and surpassing in the middle year. From 1960 to 2020, both the age ing population in THE USA and Sweden mounted slightly but fluctuated, while the level of Japan fell gradually but surpassed IS EXPECTED TO SURPASS THE the other ones TWO COUNTRIES in 2030.

Writing Feedback / How to produce weather forecasts [3]

Hi Irham :-) I hope you won't mind my late entry into the correction of your essay. Please pay attention to the connecting words that are necessary in creating seamless written grammar for your text.

The diagram reveals the ways THAT THE Australian Bureau of Meteorology accumulate weather's data IN ORDER to offer accurate information forecastS. Overall, t There are 3 steps to broadcast weather forecasts COLLECTING WEATHER INFORMATION FOR WEATHER PREDICTION. In any case, t The weather information collection is conducted IS CONDUCTED via satellites, radars and drifting buoys. THESE ARE and then analyzed before sharing them to WITH THE public.

At one time, the information is collected using three different tools -satellites, radars, and drifting buoys (REDUNDANCIES, YOU ALREADY MENTIONED THIS IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH). While t The original data collected from the satellites is basically ARE MOSTLY satellite photos, radar information are IS viewed from the radar screens and synoptic charts are yielded COLLECTED from drifting buoys. Interestingly, all these valuable data are united COMBINED in special computer to analyze and prepare for broadcasting in Australia.

What is more, THEN, the weather news is spread by mass media NEWS REPORTS such as televisions , radios and telephones. The final information is provided to THE public via TV news, radio broadcasting and recorded announcement like landline services. ( ANOTHER REDUNDANCY) The reason of FOR this is to guarantee the information IS broadcasted by TO all people

Undergraduate / I thought she was DEAD - [UC Prompt 2] [14]

Tonya, unfortunately, there is no way that you can contact me outside of the forum. There are no other communication avenues available to the participants except the open communication of the forum postings. Please don't worry about the kind of review that I will give your paper. I always give insightful opinions and delve in great detail with every essay review that I write. You won't be missing out on anything by posting your essay in this thread.

I definitely agree that the way you wrote the paper was on the serious side. However, I did not make any mention of it before because I thought that this was the voice that you wanted to project in the essay. I am not sure if you can lighten the tone of this essay because of the topic that you have chosen. You can try to lighten it but in my opinion, I think it would be best to come up with a totally new essay in response to the prompt. This time, write the new essay with a lighter tone.

After you have complete the lighter toned essay, compare it with the original heavy toned essay and try to decide for yourself as to which version would best serve the interests of your application. If you can't decide, then post the new essay in this thread and I will be more than happy to review it for you and offer constructive criticism, or even editing if need be, in order to perfect your paper.

Undergraduate / The moment I opened up myself. -overcoming autism- [5]

Shuto, I definitely believe that the essay that you wrote would fit the background story more than the original prompt that you developed it for. The story that you chose to tell is something personal that you may not be comfortable telling other people about, but the reviewer needs to know about because it is important to your application. While there are a number of essay prompts tha tyou can choose to present to the reviewer, this particular prompt is one that will help explain certain "special circumstances" in your life that the reviewer may wish to address or consider further as he reviews your application.

Since you will be changing the prompt for the essay, it won't hurt if you review the content of the essay and decide if you want to revise any portion, or edit the content. You know, consider giving it a fresh, new look prior to presentation to your reviewer. I am suggesting that because you originally wrote this essay for a different prompt, so you have to make sure that any references in the essay that you meant to address the old prompt is either removed or improved upon in order to create a better essay for you.

I am certainly looking forward to your revisions of the essay if you decide to do that. Trust me when I tell you that reviewing the content of your essay will not hurt. It can only help you to improve your essay to the point where it will be the best that it can be in terms of content and presentation. I'll be here to help you if you feel that you need my assistance. Don't worry about it. I'm here to help :-)

Undergraduate / It took me a lot of years to realize that the person influencing me the most was my father. Intro. [5]

Joshua, your introduction is alright. It introduces the topic of the prompt quite well and takes a great amount of time to analyze the response that you wish to deliver. However, in being so verbose with your essay, you ended up having to place the person who influenced you in the second paragraph. That is not a good thing. The subject of your essay should be presented in the introduction along with the thesis restatement.

If I were you, I would revise the introduction to simply begin describing the kind of man my father is from the get-go. That means, I would start off the essay by describing the look my father has when is being contemplative. Adding that I recognize the look on his face because I too have the same look. Then explaining something about his character such as his drive, determination to succeed, and tenacity when it comes to solving certain situations, again, referring back to myself as sharing the same traits. The more that I can present about my commonalities with my father, the more obvious his influence in my life will be from the very start.

I believe that by revising your introduction to do just that, you will be able to establish the foundation of your father's influence in your life with the explanations about his further influence and similarities between us taking up the succeeding paragraphs that will lead up to a conclusion for the essay. Now I understand that this is only the introduction to your essay. So the way that you have it written at the moment may or may not be applicable and enhancing in terms of the rest of the essay content. Perhaps you can finish writing the essay first and then present the full essay here for our analysis? Maybe the effect of your introduction will be much different and more acceptable in such a case. We can't really tell until we read the whole essay :-)

Undergraduate / 'overwhelmed with emotion' - Transfer Applicant - George Washington University [10]

Daisy, try to be more specific in terms of your discussion. The ideas that you have set forth in this essay are quite abstract and seem to paint a rosy picture of what you think your college life at GW will be like. It is not based or grounded in the reality of your future situation. It seems that your concentration in attending college is more geared towards the social and athletic aspect of your college attendance. That should not be the case. While the city and the university community may appeal to you strongly, remember that you are attendign college to get an education. Not to spend all your time partying, engaging in sports activities, and socializing with your peers. That is called a country club membership :-)

Instead, try to balance the content of your essay. Show your seriousness as a student by explaining the academic aspect of your college life and how you are excited by the prospect of being able to attend this university. Use examples of the libraries, research centers, and other student education facilities that are related to your chosen major in describing the excitement that you feel. If there are professors whom you know of who will be teaching subjects you plan to enroll in, mention and explain the excitement about that as well.

Always present the academic aspect of the school community alongside its social aspect. I realize that coming from a different country makes you excited to experience the American way of life as soon and as plentiful as possible, don't forget that you did not enroll in a party university. This is a serious academic institution that would definitely like to hear about how academically excited you are, alongside the social excitement. Just try to balance the discussion of the two in the essay and you should be fine. By the way, any reference to the city that the university is located in should be left for the very last statement. That is not really relevant to the excitement that you are expected to deliver regarding the academic and social community of the university.

Undergraduate / Dance Relationship - intended major; 1st UC prompt [3]

Kyra, the second paragraph of your essay, the one that is supposed to explain the foundation of your interest in dance doesn't work quite well in terms of the prompt requirements. While I can understand that as a dancer, other people may see your talent for the activity before you actually do, since the grace in movement is something that we cannot be conscious of as we cannot see how our movements appear to other people, you can't rely on the observation of your parents and your teacher's comments for that explanation.

What you need to do is develop a new paragraph relating to your interest development. Rather than talking about your parents and teacher, try to come up with an explanation about when you personally came to realize that becoming a dancer, or dance, for that matter, was somethign that you enjoyed doing. After you come to that realization, explain how it became a keen interest for you and how it progressed to you deciding that it would make the best career for you. That is how you develop the experience you have had in the field.

Dance in its purest form touches hearts and lives. I did not see that kind of development in your paragraph about the summer camp where yo worked as an instructor. Your passion for dance should have been strengthened and further influenced by watching the kids dance. Yet somehow, it seems that part of the narrative was not completely presented. Please take the time to revise that paragraph as well, if possible.

I have a strange feeling that you are working within some word limitations here. May we know what the limitations are? That way we can better help you to revise and draft the essay to become as interesting as possible, within the set limits.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation For Game Developer in Norwegian University Programme [9]

Hi Muhammad, the revision you made is not bad, but it definitely had room for editing and improvement. So, rather than trying to explain to you the edits that need to be done and the reason behind them, I decided to save us both some time by editing your paper offline. I basically restructured your paper so that it would be more along the lines of a motivation letter with a clear insight into your future career. The revisions I made really tightened the focus of the essay and showed your potential career path. Here is what I came up with:

My interest in computer science is not limited to just academics. Since childhood I was zealous in playing computer games which always took me to the world of imagination and creativity. such was my interest in the gaming world that I often later on found myselfcreating sketches of games models.

I believe that Computer science is the field where I can see the physical form of my imagination. Having learned coding, having my confidence built by my performance, receiving the appreciation of my instructors and the peers led me to find myself surrounded by a company of IT intellectuals. It encouraged me to improve my skills. I started participating in programming competitions which helped me enhance my confidence and affirm my skills at an international level.

I was highly curious to find a way to advance my skills and vision beyond this iinstitution into global spheres. In order to prepare myself for this pursuit, I improved my programming skills, started reading blogs, magazines and researches to meet the gap I faced in my perceived areas of technological programming weakness. This helped me shape my visions and carve out a career path aligned with my interests and passion - the Gaming industry.

After graduating I joined Pakistan's pioneer games development company XXX. I have been a proud member of the racing team which have produced success racing games like XXX,XXX, XXX having 3 million plus downloads on Google Play and App Store. I firmly believe that the gaming industry will be revolutionized with augmented reality and virtual reality technologies. Apart from this, gaming would not only be an entertainment exercise, it will also be used for purposeful insights into human nature tracked by specific game designs and the decisions made during the game. Gaming can never be ruled out in the internet of things. With this vision, I stroved to equip myself not only with higher education and state of the art skills, but also with global experience and exposure to internal market research, end-users experience and learning from the experts of global standards. This led me to apply for the program Applied Computer Science at your university.

I am passionate and committed to turn my dream of entrepreneurship into a reality. My goal is to leverage the gaming industry by utilizing social sciences to find insights into human nature and to help improve them. This may also help the game developers to teach their end users through specific designs and missions of the games. I am hopeful this program at your university will equip me with required knowledge and skills.

I hope that you will not be offended by the changes I made. Everything that I did in terms of revisions were for the betterment of your paper :-)

Undergraduate / USC APPLICATION (I don't really have an idea of what I specifically want to pursue) [3]

Madison, as an undeclared major student, you should consider making an impact in your statement sans identifying your actual interests that could lead the reviewer to believe that you are trying to play the system by declaring no major. From what I have gathered and come to understand of the statement that you wrote, you have already settled on a major. That major is Education. You speak extensively of teaching and the ideas that you have for sharing information and knowledge with others. You mention the word "teaching" so many times that it is impossible to not believe that you actually have declared your major.

Rather than discussing "teaching" in this statement. consider discussing just the general course of interest to you at USC. Don't worry, discussing various subjects that are unrelated will make you seem really undecided. Rather than discussing a specific interest then claiming to not have a major. Look into the course curriculum of USC and try to find out which subjects are general, meaning all the students have to take in whether they want to or not because these are prerequisite subjects for all major subjects.

Since you seem to have an interest in teaching, try to concentrate your academic interests along the lines of literature and languages. These are general subjects that will allow you to dip your feet into subjects that are related to teaching without actually declaring it. Just say something along the lines of your "interest" or "desire" to learn about literature and the relation of languages to the learning process. Then in the end, maybe you can drop a hint that you are considering education as a major.

Undergraduate / Wilsonville - for me it's all the world I've ever known [4]

Sara, while you present an interesting look into your background as a Korean-American, there is no clear representation of how your cultural history has managed to influence you to a great degree. The visit to Korea that you undertook sounds more like a travel experience than a culturally enriching activity that you engaged in. Rather than writing an adventure narrative, the focus of your essay should have been on the way that your trip to Korea showed you a different side of your family, your personality, and your involvement in the community. Then you would be able to say that this family experience related to your cultural history truly enriched you.

You mentioned that this trip triggered your interest in medicine. That is a good start for your revision. Discuss what you saw or learned of the Korean culture, traditions, or heritage regarding medicine that you were exposed to. Then discuss what your impression was of their medical style and how that made you think that maybe you can have a future in medicine.

Tell the reviewer why this trip awakened your passion to help others. Make sure to highlight the fact that by connecting to your heritage, you came to understand what makes you uniquely Korean-American. Ensure that the focus of the essay is on your mixed cultural heritage then in the end, explain how you are pleased to be the embodiment of the best of the Korean culture that you imbibed, and the American culture that you call your own.

These tips should help you develop the revised essay in a more related manner to the prompt.

Essays / Individual essay - compare and contrast the entrepreneurial journey [16]

Nel, one way to approach this comparison essay is to look into the background of the company owners. Look into their similarities and offer a comparison of their mindset that led them to the development and creation of their businesses. Consider the background of the related companies in the following manner:

1. Carphone warehouse and Groupon
2. Yo! Sushi and Hungry House

I am not very sure what you can compare Skype against because there is no internet bases telecommunications company in your list. Maybe consider Facebook Messenger of Google Talk? I'm sure you'll come up with something :-)

After you consider the background of the owners, look into the history of the company and how they managed to get funding for it. Look into their difficulties and successes. Compare their marketing styles and their business objectives. Those are some common points that you can align and compare with regards to these businesses.

In the end, maybe you compare their projected growth rates for the year or their company outlook in terms of investors or investor relations. Those should be interesting and informative enough to help you develop a solid compare and contrast essay for these companies.

Undergraduate / "Wow, I can't wait to be a grown up" Transfer Essay... transition from childhood to adulthood [2]

Gabrielle, I am afraid that your "transition" story does not really reflect the kind of attitude and abilities that this type of narrative should entail. It contains mostly word fluff and lacks a central focus on your development as a young adult. This essay is not supposed to be a discussion about how as a child you were shielded from information. Nor is it about your first exposure to death. You speak of experiences that do not directly relate to a realization on your part about how adult life works. Simply saying that the death of your grandfather opened your eyes to the realities of life does not make you an adult. Rather, your actions after this realization are what will describe or depict you as an adult.

If your grandfather's death truly affect in such a manner that you feel it became the reason that you entered into adulthood then show it in your actions. How did this event change you as a person? Did you become more responsible in life? Did you have to take on more responsibility? Did your parents treat you any differently by allowing you to partake in the activities that you used to be too young to do? In other words, how did his death transition you into adulthood? What did your family need you to do now that they did not allow you to do before simply because they already viewed you as an equal in terms of intellect and ability to respond to certain situations?

The transition of your mindset is useless without the transition of your actions. Therefore, you need to address that weakness in your essay. While normally, other students would opt to discuss something along the lines of getting their first part time job in order to afford a gadget they want, or taking over some family adult duties in the event of a divorce or death in the family, I think that you can use your grandfather's death in this instance provided that you can prove it actually created a need or opportunity for you to develop into a young adult. Right now, that transition of badly missing in your essay.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of the notebook computer manufactures with 6 different brands [3]

Hi Ina, you have a number of redundancies in your report. You have to makes sure to avoid repeating words, even if you are using synonyms to do it because it just makes the report longer when it can be made shorter. :Let me show you how it can be done :-)

The table reveals that the market share proportion of the notebook computer market in the world was AS broken down into six brand companies and others, between the years of 2006 and 2007. Overall, it can be seen, d During both years, that HP still led to WITH the highest number of the computer market share and became WAS the market leader.

According to the data, in 2006, Dell increased from 16.6% to 20.2% . It is in stark contrast to another, Acer , THAT experienced a slight fall by 0.9 percent in the following years. The other small companies which THAT had less than 10 percent were Toshiba, Lenovo, and Fujitsu-Siemens DURING both of years. Toshiba's market share rose slightly in to 7.3%, while Fujitsu-Siemens was a plunged into 2.3% and itwas HAD the lowest number of notebook market share.

Another notebook manufactureR accounted for 22.8 percent in 2006, and it becamethe second rate of market share after mentioning HP. (WHAT COMPANY WAS THIS?) In any case, the other notebook companies decreased up to 19.3% of IN computer sales in 2007. Moreover, it came to be the runner-up-leader of IN market share after HP and Dell.

Undergraduate / The moment I opened up myself. -overcoming autism- [5]

Shuto, while I admire you for putting yourself out there and discussing your autism, the overall message and background setting of the essay does not really fit in with the prompt of a transition ot adulthood within your community, family, or culture. Rather, you are telling the reviewer about your background and having overcome an obstacle that stood in your path. Overcoming Autism is all about finding your inner strength and having the courage to face up to it in order to overcome adversity in life. It is not about transitioning to adulthood.

What the reviewer will be looking for in this aspect is a reference to how you have become a young adult at this point in your life. Now, as I continued to review your essay, I found some parts that you can actually use to help you define your "coming of age" story. It will be compelling and it will help you stand out from the pack of applicants. We can use the Autism story and your coming to America to do that.

As a young man who came to America with special needs, you were faced with far greater challenges when it came to caring for yourself than you probably led other to believe. That is the story that you have to tell the reviewer about. The transitional event in this case will be your having to learn how to care for yourself, despite the special personal circumstances you were faced with because you came to America without any support group. You spent a year here taking care of yourself. Tell us about that journey and how you have become an admirable Autistic young adults in the process. The story should be one of self discovery on a personal, not social nor academic level. Would you know how to develop that or would you like me to show you an example of how you can do it? Just let me know :-)

Writing Feedback / Extinctions plant and animals and the cause of endangered plant life [3]

Hi Caroot, let me offer you another version of your essay by correcting some points ok? This is how I think you can present this essay better.

A comparison of endangered of plant and animal species in A tropical forest COVERING A 100 YEAR PERIOD from 2000 to 2100, a 100-year period is presented in line charts. The pie chart reveals the cause of plant life extinct EXTINCTION. Overall, the number of plantS and animalS is ARE forecast more safety TO BE SAFER TODAY RATHER than in 40 years before. In any case, while there are several factors in the rates of extinctions plant and animal PLANT AND ANIMAL EXTINCTIONS, the most considerable cause is APPEARS TO BE RELATED TO human impact ON THE ENVIRONMENT.

In AT the beginning of THE period, the number of EXTINCT plantS and animalS extinct stood at approximately 4000 species. Over THE following forty-year period, it is predicted a gradual rise THERE IS A PREDICTION THAT THESE WILL GRADUALLY RISE to 20,000. While the figure for endangered plantS and animalS will peak in 2060 at 50 million species, from 2080 to 2100 is A forecast HAS BEEN MADE INDICATING a sharp decline TO under 30,000 million species

However, when you look at the negative causes to plant life with the greatest proportion of threatened species is THE human impact COVERS over three-quarters of rates. In contrast, natural events have the lowest percentage of extinction at 18.7%. Agriculture and harvesting are also harmful to plantS. On the other hand, the danger because CAUSED BY of humanS ARE is on a much smaller scale in plantations, with figures ranging at 4.7%. Natural event threats such us natural disasterS reveals IS SEEN at 7%, as the same AS THE rates of livestock.

Undergraduate / Chemical engineering, my aim and my passion - SOP for undergraduate degree [3]

Abhay, there is a need to revise your essay because you did not really write a statement of purpose. It does not contain the proper SOP information that is required by the universities. If you won't mind writing a new essay, we can most likely come up with an acceptable statement of purpose for you.

First of all, you don't need to define and explain what Chemical Engineering is and what work is entailed with the occupation. You are dealing with professionals in this field who will just get bored by your constantly telling them information that they are so familiar with, boredom has set in for them already. Instead, present the reason why you want to pursue a degree in Chemical Engineering.

Talk about how your interest in the field developed, what you hope to gain by studying this field, your plans for your future based upon the training you will receive from the university, and what your immediate plans are after graduation. Whatever you do, do not tell them that you need financial aid to attend college. There is a different set of student loan applications or scholarship application packets from the university that will better allow you to discuss your immediate financial needs.

Just focus on your desire to become a Chemical Engineer at this point. Make your desire to become a professional in this field, and what innovations you hope to pursue or establish during your studies or after you graduate. That is the kind of information that will be most enlightening and better introduce your purpose as a student to the reviewer.

Graduate / Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. [14]

Laura, I was able to bring the character count down to 2934. let me post the revised essay here before I give you my suggestions regarding improving the essay.

I noticed that in the part about the experience at the optometrist's office, you indicated that you speak Spanish fluently. Why did you not indicate a reference to that skill in the essay? Maybe you can insert it into the part about teaching your students? Maybe imply that you were teaching them excellently because you are bilingual? It just seems like something important that can help enhance your position of responsibility. I hope you can consider revising the essay to include a reference to that.

Undergraduate / Growing up, I was raised in a conservative home and was sheltered for much of my early life. Texas [4]

Chad, your essay is way too long. As a reviewer, I found myself wondering as to when you would get to the point by the time I read your third paragraph. As a piece of written work, it keeps beating around the bush so much that I found myself losing interest in what you had written. I ended up just scanning through your essay in order to find out the topic that you were eventually going to discuss. By the time I got to the part about gay marriage, I decided not to continue reading the essay anymore. Mostly because you just kept on rambling on again once you finally got to your point.

Now, imagine if you submit this actual essay for consideration by an admissions officer. Guess what would happen? Exactly. You would be ruining your chances of better laying the possible foundation for your admission to the university. What can you do to prevent that from happening? You need to review the essay and shorten it.

The way that you explained your background, it sounded like you were responding to an "Explain the world you come from" prompt instead of a "diversity" question prompt. So, what you have to do is look for ways to shorten the first half of your essay. I can't really decide upon which part of the first half of the essay that you should remove because I am not sure how you want to present yourself in the essay. It is best if you make those choices yourself. Try to figure out which parts are superfluous at the beginning and remove them. That will allow you to get to the point of your essay sooner rather than later.

Once you decide which parts of the essay can be omitted, you can post the revised essay in this thread and we can help you to start finalizing the content at that point. It will really be in your best interest to edit the whole essay if you have the time in order to ensure that you are presenting the most interesting and simplest form of your essay to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1: the number of students gaining English language teacher training qualification [2]

Ina, here is my take on the necessary corrections to your essay:

The table reveals that the total number of students who gained the teacher of language English EARNED THEIR ENGLISH TEACHING qualification CERTIFICATE in the United Kingdom in COVERING two academic years between 2007-2008 and 2008-2009 with two different qualifications. Overall it can be seen that, in DURING both years, there remained THERE WAS A stable NUMBER OF STUDENTS in 2007-2008 and 2008-2009 REPRESENTED BY roughly 32,937 students. In any case, t There was a slight decrease in the proportion of male STUDENTS gaining English language training qualifications in the final period.

Between 2007 and 2008, the number of femaleS who qualified AS studentS WERE almost 3 times as much as THE male students which is AT 23,842 student. In DURING this period, most of the students qualified with UNDER TEFL than Cambridge , UCLES , CELTA , or other degrees which was accounted FOR 24,446 students.

In the next period, f From 2008 to 2009, the total of students who qualified for English language teacher was SHOWED A slow increasedby AS INDICATED BY 32,945 students and it WHICH was followed by increasing AN INCREASE of the female STUDENTS by 24,324 students. By IN contrast, the male studentS decreased of BY 0,7% and DURING this period, TEFL remained A popular qualification, which was taken by the students and only 26,2% of them were male.

Undergraduate / Interest in Computer Science - UIUC Undergrad Essay [8]

Fahad, the fact that you start your story at the age of 3 does not really offer the essay any strength nor does it validate the development of your interest in computer science. Rather, the story that you related which started when you were 10 years old better relates to the prompt. So my advice is this, use the following edited paragraph for the foundation of your essay:

My love story with computers started when I was 10 years old. At my primary school I was taught the `programming language Logo. It was basically a triangular shape called a "turtle" that we had full control over. Simple commands like "fd 10" would make the turtle move 10 units forward in a straight line! This fascination fueled my desire to expand my knowledge and go out my way to learn the basics of HTML.

To my dismay, computer science was not offered in 11th grade as a subject. But that didn't deter me from sticking to my passion. During my free time I would read articles about computers and try to teach my self the basics of Java and Python in order to keep my desire for computers burning.

Majoring in Computer Science in UIUC will open many doors of opportunity for me to contribute to the gaming industry and open many more in the field of research such as Artificial Intelligence (AI) which I'd like to spend countless number of hours researching into, starting from undergraduate itself. I believe that the sufficient facilities and the holistic environment help me succeed in my big dreams and aspirations.

In the part between "To my dismay..." and " Majoring in Computer Science..." you can add some information that will further enhance your application essay. Try to discuss some other specific activities that you did which helped your become a progressive, self-taught gamer. Talk about the programs that you became proficient with and how that happened. Doing that will help you present some solid supporting facts related to the development of your interest in Computer Science. You have more than enough words to develop that and enhance the essay because we deleted enough unnecessary portions of the previous version of this essay :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The average spending figure for cell phones from 2001 to 2010 [2]

Hasdi, we have a problem with your report overview because it is only one sentence long. Please remain conscious of the fact that these introductory paragraphs always need to be a minimum of 3 sentences in length otherwise it will not be considered a complete paragraph. In your case, there is a simple solution to that problem.

Writing Feedback / Online Sales for Retail Sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010 [4]

Fidelis, please try to lengthen your introduction. While you did offer a very clear presentation, the summary of the report, which is in the introduction, requires you to present at least 3 sentences in order to be acceptable. I will show you how that could have been done as I correct your report below:

The pie charts compare the proportion of certain selected goods sale SOLD online for THE retail sector in Canada. THE PIE CHART COVERS in THE YEARS 2005 and 2010. overall, it can be seen that the THE CHART SHOWS THAT THE greatest change was in the proportion of online sales on IN food and beverage.

By 2005, food and beverage online sales had reached more than a fifth of all the online sales. RISING while it rose dramatically to 32% in 2010. At 35%, electronics and appliance online sales was HAD the highest online sales, but this fell FALLING slightly to less than a third ten years later.

By contrast, a minority of the online sales in 2005 was WERE IN video game's sales. It stood at only 18% while it experienced a significant increase up to more than a fifth of all online sales in 2010. On the other hand, the sales of home furnishings had reached to a quarter of the online sales, but it dropped dramatically at TO less than a fifth.

Undergraduate / My contributions to CU-Boulder's 2030 Plan [6]

Kunaal, you need to be more personal and less research based in your response to this prompt. Although the reviewer will admire your international exposure and background, you don't really offer a unique perspective as to how you can manage to further evolve and heighten the quality of the college community through the activities you mentioned. Why is that? Simply put, those activities already exist and therefore, will only allow you continue what others have already started. While that is a good idea, that is not what will make a mark or impression in the mind of the reviewer.

My suggestion is that you can improve your chances of offering the reviewer a memorable idea as to how you can improve the student community by using your international influences to heighten the level of international camaraderie on campus. Don't just rely on the international organization or club that already exists in the university, that is already old and expected. Instead, think of a way that you can establish a new club that will cater to the international student community of the campus in a unique way. Think of something, an activity or an interest that seems to be a common denominator among all of your international friends. Then look into the existing clubs and organizations at the campus. What void do you see existing along those lines? When you recognize the weakness or hole in the community that your idea can plug in, develop the idea.

By presenting a new activity that you hope to pursue at the university, which will call upon the other students to participate, you will let the reviewer know that you are not a mere follower, but a leader as well. That is something that CU-Boulder is definitely looking for in their future students and is a character trait that you should definitely play up if you believe that you can actually represent it once you become an official student at their university.

Undergraduate / 'to break through, no matter what' - Me vs Me - Lessons from failure [4]

Kunaal, I cannot help but come to the conclusion that the essay that you wrote is not a failure - success story with a moral lesson but rather a background story that tells the reviewer about a certain character trait of yours. This essay is no more than a narrative that tells of a series of events in your life related to your interest the gaming world. This does not respond to the prompt which is asking you to tell the reviewer of a pivotal moment in time when you learned a lesson because of a failure you created. A failure that you created and had to overcome, failed to do so and thus, learned a lesson from the event.

I do not get a sense of that in this essay. My opinion is that you have to change the slant of your essay, setting this particular essay aside for a more relevant prompt topic. What the reviewer would like to get a sense of about you using this prompt, is how you respond to failure and how you deal with it. Do you recognize your failure and proceed to work on overcoming it? Are you the kind of person who learns from your mistakes and adjusts your life or attitude accordingly? How exactly do you view failure?

Throughout the essay, you spoke mostly of putting one over your father in terms of getting around the curfew he set. You recognized that you were in danger of failing and prevented that from happening. While your sense of foresight is admirable, the essay actually calls or needs you to actually fail at something you do or did in order to represent the type of response that the prompt is requiring you to present. Therefore, it would be in your best interest to try to find such an event in your life and evaluate what you learned from it. Only then will you be able to develop a proper draft response to the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / UIUC Transfer - Life is a like a game of cards [4]

Malik, your transfer essay uses a very imaginative analogy for your reason for wanting to transfer universities. The strength of your essay does not lie in the flowery words that you use, but rather in your realization that you are in charge of your future. The fact that you acknowledged an academic shortcoming by saying that you attended a college because it was the only one that let you in, then turning it into a positive by using it as an inspiration to go to a school of your choice for specific reasons, gives yourself an image of a determined student who knows how to direct his life and how he plans to make it happen. There are only 2 weak points that I found in the essay and those 2 have grammar related problems. It does not, in any way, shape, or form, affect the strong explanation you present in the statement.

I never realized that I was losing opportunity OPPORTUNITIES
- Use the plural form of the word because you came to this realization after attending your current university for a number of years.

Stanford, Michigan, and Illinois t-shirts bombarded the hallways on the last day of classes OF MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL
-You have to add a subject to the sentence in order for it to make sense and have meaning in the context of your thoughts.

One final note. You don't really need to add this line at the end:

I believe Illinois will be an academic and intellectually challenging experience for me that will result in peak personal growth and placement at a consulting firm that will allow me to help other people play their cards right .

It is a statement that does not relate to the prompt provided and only removes the attention of the reviewer from the actual reasons that you have for your transfer. The sentence that you wrote should instead be placed in a personal statement that accompanies this application.