Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay: Opportunity to travel [4]

quasi-reptilian underpinnings? Mustafa, couple your criticisms with solutions! Don't be one of those people that points out lots of problems without offering solutions.

I'll break this first part into 2 sentences so that it is easy to see that the second part is not part of the quote:

There is a saying that goes like this "Travel and See." When you travel you will discover a different perspective of the world that you had never experienced. In this spirit, I displayed a globe in my room when I was twelve years old.

I added "in this spirit," so that the reader would be carried along the same line of thinking.

At the beginning I had to separate one long sentence into 2, but at the end I need to put two sentences together as one:
Starting with Singapore as a gateway for Asian countries, I will enjoy its astonishing attractions and diverge in different diverse culture as a place where East meets West.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - How We Reason [3]

I thought of this for the intro:
In fall of 2005, not long after I moved to U.S., on a stormy, rainy day, I had just gotten out of school and was walking home from school when I suddenly saw that there was a car driving into a slough, passing right next to me at a very high speed.

Writing Feedback / Nature Vs Nurture; Which influences early human development? [5]

This essay will identify influences on early human development leading and prove that nurture's role in guiding the maturation of one's social and psychological identity is stronger than that of nature.


What is the point of this paragraph? It seems to work against your thesis argument. Am I misunderstanding your meaning with this 4rth paragraph?

Poetry / poem about a thousand splendid suns [3]


Well... you can't just post the requirements here and have the work done for you. We are here to give guidance. for example, I suggest reading what other people write by googling the title along with the word analysis.

When you have read what other people say, and when you have read the book, you will feel so inspired to write this poem.

Let's see what you do to get it started, and we'll try to help you if you get stuck!

Research Papers / Research Paper on Reincarnation [13]

I'm so confused! Heather, did you get a second membership so that you could give advice to yourself? Ha ha, intriguing...

...or maybe we have a glitch in EssayForum?

Writing Feedback / Honesty is always the best policy; Honesty vs. Lying - persuasion essay [3]

No hay de que.

Ha ha, this essay has an interesting start.
Honesty is always the best policy ? No! Lying is a natural and necessary part of good relationships.

That oath IS impossible, not are ...

If, for some reason, we must tell the truth, even though we risk hurting the feelings of others, than we should do it the right way.----> another very intriguing and controversial sentence. This is a memorable essay.

Commas:
Even though, in certain small situations, lying is needed, we need to make sure that we don't become habitual liars.

Yes, we often have to lie to compensate for the unreasonableness of others.

Graduate / SOP Msc Toxicology in UK [5]

And thanks about the advice on Huxley :-)

Oh, maybe I was wrong to change advise to advice. Is advise a noun in UK English? In American English, advise is a verb and advice is a noun.

Having made this statement of my objectives, it is my belief I have th e qualities that your University looks for in a student: a zest to perform and deliver.

:-)

Book Reports / Essay on Invisble Man [4]

The meaning of the title of Ralph Ellison's novel Invisible Man becomes more apparent as the book progresses.

Interesting start. You need one more sentence at the end of that first paragraph to answer the question raised by the opening line! Add a sentence that tells precisely what that meaning is. This sentence, at the end of the first para, will be your thesis sentence.

Undergraduate / 'mixed in awe, fear and some incomprehensible excitement' - Common app_ topic of your choice [15]

I guess you have t let your intuition guide you. Go with what feels right. Maybe you should write a preface to the essay -- a little paragraph expressing your concern that it may be too abstract. That would cause you to make a unique impression! But some people would advise you not to...

You have to go with your intuition! :-) Everything will work out well.

Graduate / 'an opportunity to be a part of your esteemed institution' - SOP (Industrial Engineering) [5]

Hi, I'll give some ideas here for you:

My undergraduate program was a judicious mix of theory and practice. ----> good sentence.

Fascinating subjects -- like Operation Research, Engineering management, Automobile engineering, Total Quality Management, Process planning and cost estimation, Marketing management and Advanced IC engines -- compelled me to seek extended knowledge on these outside the realm of my syllabus. these courses fascinated me and I made

Don't capitalize unnecessarily:
I am confident that with my undergraduate degree in Mechanical Engineering and my industry-related experience...

Please go give some help to a few other people, and be sure to provide several sentences of thoughtful feedback -- so that your reaction to their essays can help them to know their writing better.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Feminism in "Company of Wolves" [3]

It seems strange that the teacher would find fault with the sentences.. they seem very rhythmic and clear to me.

This could use number agreement:
Above all, Carter emphasizes these creatures' inability to suppress their desires and sexual appetites .---> not a necessary change, but nice.

Here is an awkward part:
As stated i In The Infernal Desires of Angela Carter, she states : "This episode highlights Carter's favourite rhetorical trope - the oxymoron, which involves the paradoxical twinning of opposites." The Company of the Wolves presents many contrasting ideas: men vs. women, red vs. white, innocence vs. corruption (Bristow and Lynn).----> but these two sentences are confusing this way. Try to transition between these two in a way the reader can better understand.

You write very well! Don't listen to her!

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]

Don't do the thesis first! Do it after you have written several paragraphs about both views. You have a LOT of work to do, because this is a difficult subject. Many people believe that global warming is not real, and many believe that it might be real but that various interest groups are using it with ulterior motives (i.e. tax the heck out of us).

Some new info recently came out... I saw something on the news about scientists working to cover up evidence that global waring was not occurring!!

It is a very difficult topic to write about with confidence. Perhaps you will have more success with it than I have! Obviously emissions of greenhouse gases are not good, but it is also obvious that stakeholders warp this sort of thing to suit their agenda!

You have to read lots of articles. Write a paragraph about each, and then start trying to reconcile. At the END, carve out a thesis.

Graduate / How to write a brief ,concise SOP encompassing all your goals and aspirations [4]

They often used to make me wonder, as a seven year-old , about why the car was invented at all.

I undertook my final year dissertation project in the field of finite element analysis, because I realized its importance and relevance to the auto industry.

How about a little more detail about your plans for the future -- what you will do at this school and afterwards. The future is a big part of this kind of essay, but your essay only mentions the future briefly.

Undergraduate / UC prompt #2 The bitter yet sweet taste of Prednisone [11]

Sorry I was late! It has been busy. I hope you have all kinds of success.

Undergraduate / Life on the Stage- Common App Essay Topic of Choice [3]


This is a famous thought forwarded by Shakespeare and also Hindu philosophy... you should probably cite one of them... you know what I mean? Refer to this as a thought that you remember reading in Shakespeare. It is pretty well-known.

Oh, ha ha! I see that you know the quote I am talking about. Okay, it is cool that you mention it at the end, but you can't really take credit for it at the beginning. Refer to Shakespeare at the beginning, too, instead of claiming that insight as your own. It is more impressive to cite Shakespeare.

Although I'm no world-renowned critic, but when critiquing my life I give it two thumbs up.

Undergraduate / "my first visit to Liberia" - Essay for VCU [2]

the word "in" appears twice here, sort of awkwardly:
Breathing in Inhaling the rich, succulent, tropical air, I quickly took in all of the magnificent sites.----> I also added some commas... commas are supposed to separate adjectives when they are used all in a row.

Run on sentence and unnecessary capital letter:
I looked over and felt goosebumps rising on my arms; we were almost there. ---> I fixed the run on sentence with a semi-colon.

Undergraduate / Comparison essay on Beowulf 2007 and poem, introduction only [3]

Fix this run on sentence:
...polarity in both adaptations. In the film, Beowulf wants...

Semi-colons work sort of like periods...This should be a dash:
The epic poem holds a strong sense of Beowulf's honesty, courage and loyalty -- characteristics that reside within a true hero.

Ultimately, the Beowulf in the movie, while he has extraordinarily stron g, is no more than a normal, f lawed man, corrupted by power and blinded by greed.

Writing Feedback / I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old; Class Essay About Myself [9]


Whether or not poetic fragments are okay depends on your teacher. Assess her/him for conventionality vs. creativity.

; my future is yet to be determined.

It's tough not to overuse "I" when talking about yourself, unless you use the third person to talk about yourself like Kevin does when the voices start refusing to be ignored. Kevin dissociates.

This is good stuff right here. If it was an admissions essay, I would advise conventionality, like paragraphs and stuff. But this is appropriately rant-ish.

Trying to give a useful idea: As an alternative to trying to cover everything and inevitably reducing the subject... you could focus on a particular aspect... like your self of the moment. I guess that is related to what Mustafa said.

Undergraduate / Critique my MIT essay "Biggest challenge" for grammar and substance? [3]

We had embarked on this difficult journey for over four months ago , yet there had been no sign of improvement.

In his world, two plus two did not equal to four. This was a challenge that did not require "book smarts" or a Nobel Prize to overcome, but rather the ability to adjust to my brother's needs.---> grat sentence. Now, right here, start a new paragraph!!! Don't write it all as one paragraph.

Add a comma:
I grasped his anxious hands, and we carefully began tracing the formation of skittles in front of us. ---> right here, end the second paragraph, and let the rest be para #3

:-)

Undergraduate / "How can I contribute in the community" - Short Answer [8]

I am a Korean student. I grew up in various a culturally rich setting during my adolescence period . If I become as a part of UW community, I would like to share my home country's cultural practices, including Korean New-Year's Day, difference than others from my diverse in cultural backgrounds and interacting other countries' cultures.

(above) You did not really have mistakes -- just sentences that could be clearer or more eloquent...

Korea is one of the most unique countries in the world.

Despite Korea's growing prominence, my country has diverse culture.

... learn how to live in a culturally diverse society.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shakespeare's Iago [14]

Yes, a deeper analysis can give a more sophisticated insight than just an observation of Iago's evil. The complexity of characters is what makes Shakespeare so great.

This will give you a start: sparknotes.com/shakespeare/othello/canalysis.html

Characters are not simply evil, or heroic, or cowardly, or brave. We are all combinations of things. Farva was not so heroic, but it took some single-minded determination to drink a whole bottle of pancake syrup or to eat that burger that someone had surely spat into... maybe that is a bad example...

Book Reports / Margaret Laurence's novel, The Stone Angel [4]

When you write "a number" you have to write is instead of are.
A number of intricate human relationships is portrayed. ---> but that does not sound right, so you have to be creative!
In Margaret Laurence's The Stone Angel, several intricate human relationships are portrayed.

I'll move some commas:
The two women are connected by such a unique bond that, through the years, Hagar's memories will often...

Beginning in her youth, continuing in adolescence, and ultimately remaining throughout her adulthood, Hagar will come to recognize and accept that her childhood friend Lottie Drieser was capable of inner strength comparable to that which makes Hagar Shipley feel so proud about her own character.

Undergraduate / 'Everyone was not satisfied with our monitor' - How did you get caught? [15]

sixteenth instead of 16th...

comma:
I just embarrassed the guy on every occasion, and our class was in a funny mess.

I looked at Ms. Wang and thought, Why should I listen to these peers of mine?

If I can influence others, I should do something that is beneficial for everyone; if I cannot , I should at least comply with the rules. Compliance will not make me look unintelligent . The important thing is not how much I can influence people , but how much I can benefit them .

Undergraduate / "Plain and Brown" - about a topic of my choice. how my country helped me change [6]

Your one and only home and hope for survival is that box.

Lets put these setences together as one so that the second one is a complete sentence:
That day finally came -- the day I opened my eyes to see what was in front of me.
There, I used a dash to combine them.

This is confusing! I thought you were going to explain what you meant, but you never did! How about using part of that second paragraph to explain what the box represents and what happened that helped you to liberate your mind. The metaphor is great, but it needs to be condensed to make room for some explanation. At some point near the beginning, and then again at the end, refer to the clear vision you have for your future -- including this school to which you are applying -- and explain in plain words what you mean.

How did your country help?
What is the significance of the hospital?
What inspired you to break free?

Writing Feedback / THE FIRST FRIEND IN MY LIFE [7]

Both of us were the only daughters in our family, and our two families lived next door to one another. At that time, our two families were poor. Her mother ... because of children's games, such as tag, jumping rope, and playing house ...

Whenever she was got gifts, she all divided them in half to share with me, even if it was just a lemon or star-fruit. And as for me , I rarely gave her anything because my parents were economical, and therefore they seldom bought me a gift or a cake. -----> Seldom is a good word. Your English is not so bad!! You seem to be very good at language.

There was a time, the Little Fourth was eager to carry my baby brother in her arm. Maybe my brother was too heavy for her to carry; therefore she lost her balance and tumbled down on the ground. My brother cried out , and she also burst into tears because of pain. When she fell down, she was scratched in her face and her knees. I felt very sorry about that, although I had not requested that she carry my brother. On the contrary, she had been the one who insisted that I should give my brother to her to carry . Indeed, I was both blameworthy and feeling pity on her. After that, all members of her house looked at me with cold eyes , but she was still a good friend of me.

Undergraduate / "I have become obsessed with music" - UC Prompt #2 [3]

Like many other Asian parents, mine were hoping from the minute I was born that I would become a success. ---do you like it this way?

They tried to provide me the best they could afford, and they let me explore my interests freely.

This could have been the worst period during my childhood, but my liberal parents discovered the dilemma I was facing and helped me out by developing my interest in music and reasoning. ----excellent! This essay is better than you might think!!

Knowing that I had become obsessed with music, my parents let me have a chance to take some music lessons. After few months I easily became a member of the school's orchestra, and the teacher let me passed the audition without any hesitation. I played with feeling. ---> I like to end it with that short sentence.

You write with rhythm, just like your music. Read books in English to get good at verb tense! Read Tolle's The Power of Now in English to practice! :-)

Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

It's great! It's my new favorite poem. a lifetime in the clouds awaits the old gave me a chill in my spine. If you were anyone else, I would google around to see if you plagiarized this from one of history's great poets.

I don't think you lost it, either... some words just make for more distinct iambic rhythm, and sometimes less.

Thumping meter sometimes sounds iambic
Sometimes, though, the meter's indistinct-ish...

ha ha...

Undergraduate / "Tony taught me the most important lesson in my life" - admission essay [9]

Write sixteen instead of 16.

Quote marks are good here: Some might have the audacity to call Tony "crippled" or even "disabled," but he is more complete than many can ever wish to be.

That day, through his actions Tony taught me the most important lesson in my life. ---> Wow, I see that you know how to structure sentences powerfully. I wonder if you realize that you have a unique talent for writing...

He taught me to strive for my goal and never give up. ----> your sentences are like thrusts with a spear or something. It's a good writing style.

He taught me that no obstacle is too big or too hard to overcome. It is a lesson I will carry with me always, and this is my thank you to Tony, the patient of room 523.

You should check out ef-contributor-page and also tell your mom I said she has some kind of cool wisdom. More mom's should do that stuff. And the fact that she was able to get you to do it shows that she has been a good, skillful parent!

Scholarship / Essay for Rice/Baylor Medical Scholars Program [4]

This was ten years ago and my motivations for pursuing medicine have changed -- but my aspiration to become a real physician have remained the same.

Oh... I think you should end that first paragraph with a sentence that answers the question you raised. Tell us about your unique interest in medicine... it surely is as unique as your personality...

Then, after a bit more introduction, talk about fascination with biology.

Undergraduate / My roommate, memorable experience - Stanford Short Essay Portion [4]


Your love for reading is also reflected in the fact that you write very well! Keep up the reading!

My subscriptions to magazines, including Rolling Stone and Newsweek, display my varying interests even further.

Great ending!

Writing Feedback / The United States of America - History Essay (first paragraph) [4]

I always recommend writing the intro last. How can you introduce what does not yet exist?

The history of the United States of America has come a long way changed significantly in the years between 1607 to 1865. Through these years ...

Undergraduate / Pueblo, the city I live in - Prompt 1 for admission to UC schools: [4]

This should be a dash, not a semi-colon:
We have character -- a trait not so easily come by.

A dash works like a flamboyant, melodramatic comma. It is powerful in this sentence.

Writing Feedback / A letter from Birmingham Jail- A Argument essay [4]

Negro is not a good word to use. It is not good to refer to men all the time either; be gender-inclusive if you want to write powerfully.

When you talk about King's mention of breaking a law openly... ah, I guess I recommend redoing that whole paragraph! It can't be fixed. Read King's section about civil disobedience, and then read Thoreau's writing about civil disobedience, and you will catch their meaning. It is not about the importance of justice. It's about peaceful resistance to oppression.

Undergraduate / "Woman of Science" UC Personal Statement #2 [3]

In the beginning, when you mention Newton, Einstein, and Descartes, you should mention their work along with the name so that it is not just name dropping. Like this:

I praise Descartes's skepticism, revere Newtown Newton's profound observations about natural law, and idolize Einstein for ushering in an era of quantum physics with his Relativity Theories.

Oh, that goes for the other's too: Don't just say, transcendentalists such as Thoreau and Emerson... you have to use that opportunity to show real familiarity, or it will seem like you just quickley googled around for important pioneers of science and literature. You'll have to mention something about each person whose name you drop -- something that proves that you have actually read what they have written -- Einstein, Nietzche, Thoreau, Emerson, Newton, Descartes... if you mention the name, I think you have to give half a sentence to demonstrate how knowledgeable you are about them.

That will make this even better... but it is already well-written!

Writing Feedback / What is Swadhyay? [3]

Use a comma to separate adjectives, and use a hyphen for God-loving:
...innocent, God-loving people in the name of God.

"Had" does not belong in this sentence: The leaders had have been cleverly exploiting fool-overs both devotionally and emotionally.

Swadhyay had stolen millions of dollars from...

You should not write any words in all capital letters, like MARKETING TRIPS. You can use italics for emphasis instead, like this.

Run-on sentence:
Stay away from Swadhyay, it is a CULT where independent and critical thinking has no place.

Use a semi-colon:
Stay away from Swadhyay; it is a cult where independent and critical thinking has no place.

Undergraduate / College essay about religion and science.....controversial? I hope not..... [3]

Cool!! I like your idea.

But it is not a boarder; it's a "discrepancy." That is my idea, anyway... I think discrepancy conveys your meaning better.

You could also call it an inconsistency.

This is for you!! I hope you'll read Chopra's books. Also, you have a great writing style.

Undergraduate / Two Contrasting parenting styles - A pushy mother and proud father UC prompt 1 [5]

...because the impact of the lessons this parent imparts on their child outweighs that of the other parent's lessons.

It's because it goes like this: the impact -----> outweighs...

But the sentence is unnecessarily complex! Why not just say:
Usually, a child growing up in a two-parent home can identify one parent whose lessons have been of much greater influence.

Ha ha, that is still a terrible sentence! Don't listen to me!

It is a hard thought to convey...

Oh, ha ha, I figured out the solution: that sentence is not even necessary! You don't have to say most people are influenced more by one or the other, and you don't have to say you were influenced equally! Focus on the main theme of the essay, which is the MEANINGFUL contrast and the MEANINGFUL similarities. At the end, talk about why it is so meaningful that they are alike/different in these particular ways. You can infer cool meaning and symbolism if you are creative.

But let's get rid of those 2 irrelevant sentences at the beginning, and replace them with sentences that support the main theme! the main theme has a lot to do with this: My mother taught me to always strive for greater things and my father taught me to know my limits and have fun in the process. that is a great observation; well said!

Undergraduate / UC: Describe your world (I'd be happy to edit yours in return. [9]

Ha ha, I hope you both do well with your applications! I'll go take a look at Punkst4r's essay, too...

Undergraduate / "inclined towards science my whole life" - UC Prompt 1 (transfer students) [3]

Here is a way t sharpen up the intro:
I have felt inclined towards science throughout my whole life.

And you need to use commas when howeve is in the middle of a sentence like this: Only recently, however, has my focus been narrowed to sustainable agriculture and my purpose become clear.

Here is a place whre you should use a dash instead of a semi-colon:
Zoology, botany, geology, astronomy -- I loved them all.

Here is a place where a semi-colon would be good:
I began with myself; I saw how my consumption patterns weren't promoting my newfound ideals and quickly reconciled this. -----> the semi-colon is good here, because those two sentences are so closely related.

Undergraduate / 'My amiable characteristic' - BU Supplement: Three words to describe you [6]

Yes, I think that is what they mean, and I agree. If you introduce those words in a clear way at the start, it will make the reader's experience nicer. People enjoy organization tat they can easily follow; for this kind of composition, that is important.