Writing Feedback / A comparison of the trade in two kinds of phone product, namely mobile and residential [2]

Hi Irfan, here are my suggestions for improving your report :-)

A comparison of the trade in two kinds of phone productS, namely mobile and residential one in COVERING a nine-year period from 2001 to 2010 in the US and this is presented by the a line chart. Overall, it is noticeable ONE WILL NOTICE that the amount of money which spend for SPENT ON cell phones always increaseS every year, while another for THE landline phoneS experienced conversely THE REVERSE.

There were significant changes between IN THE SALE OF selling both commodities. In the beginning OF THE year, the price of cell phone stood at $200 and for home phone is COST more than threefold in AT $700. But then, tT he rate of hand-phone noticed HADS a dramatic increase to $300, while the value of house-phone showed a dramatic fall by $80. This condition lasted for a four-year later PERIOD.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, the line chart described the interesting trend OVER A five-year period. This is because the lines intersected in 2006, exactly in AT $550, but the trend of residential telephone SALES described a worseNING trend since the rise number of users in cell phoneS. Then, over following the f Four years later, both lines showed the A slight movement until the expense of mobile phoneS reached a peak at $750 and the price of landlineS ring dropped to $400.

Writing Feedback / Technology's development makes people today more likely to do their job outside of offices. [5]

When you are presented with an essay prompt that asks you discuss the benefits of this mobility , taking into consideration the disadvantages of the technology, it is always best to discuss the essay along the lines of a compare and contrast essay. I suggest that you do it that way because the comparison essay allows you to do exactly what the prompt requires, which is to discuss whether the benefits of the technology outweigh its disadvantages.

By presenting both the advantages and disadvantages of the essay, you will be able to conclude the essay in such a manner that the discussion of the benefits and disadvantages will clearly present the side of the discussion that you are taking. It is always important to discuss both sides of the essay because you need to balance the reasoning within the discussion.

As such, it would be best for you to just choose one benefit and one disadvantage to discuss. Make sure that you strengthen your discussion of the side you support and weaken the discussion of the side that you are not in agreement with. In truth, there are no right or wrong ways of discussing this essay. The only problem that you have, is centered on the way that you were unable to develop the restated prompt. That is what made your essay weak so you should work on developing your ability to develop your thesis prompt :-)

Writing Feedback / Honey bee diagram - it takes 34-36 days for completing the life cycle of this type of insect [2]

Bayu, this is pretty good work. It just needs some editing to make it even better :-)

The diagram illustrateS the honey bee'S various phases in their life. As seen, it is takes 34-36 days for completing TO COMPLETE the cycle of this type of insect. This IT is also noticeable that there are six main stages of the honey bee growth, from egg to the adult insect.

To begin, the adult females honey bee lays one or two eggs every three days. After 9-10 days later, the oval shaped eggs are hatched and the immature insects appear. In 5 days later, the child infant bee are rely on their eggs and transforms after 7-10 days the AS nymph moults AND are 3 times bigger as it grows in the beginning FROM ITS STARTING SIZE.

After a total OF 30 to 31 days from the beginning of the cycle, the young adult bee emerges. However, they need 4 MORE days again to reach their full mature form. Finally, in the mature form OF THE FEMALE the insect can produce eggs and this cycle recurring RECURS again to preserve the honey bee extension COLONY.

Writing Feedback / What are the reasons for species being extinct ? [4]

Furkan, in your thesis statement, you mentioned human beings as being the reason for the extinction of some animals and plants. While the dinosaurs and mammoths extinction can be explained by natural disasters, when you mention human beings, you need to use currently extinct or animals in danger of extinction in order to make that reason valid and acceptable.

extreme cold and high temperature (?)
- Simply saying "extreme temperatures will be fine. That is actually self explanatory already.

According to the studies %90 of all
- You got the format wrong. It should be "According to the studies, 90% of all..."

Actually, balanced hunting may not cause for animals extinction; but, overhunting EXCESSIVE HUNTING put THE animals'generation SPECIES into danger.

Overall, you have made an excellent effort in discussing your research essay. I made it a point to address your questions and some format problems because those were the points that could have affected your essay the most when it comes down to grading it. The rest of the essay, although imperfect in some grammar aspects, manages to deliver clear and coherent thoughts so I did not feel the need to edit that work. Sometimes, the beauty of the essay lies in the simplicity of the writing. The imperfections are good to read because it carries your emotions and opinions in the essay. So the slight problems with the essay are acceptable in my opinion.

Undergraduate / Habit of Eating Local Food Shaped My Attitude Towards Life - Prompt 1 Common App [13]

Hi Jeremy ! Here is the revised essay for "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.?". I removed certain sentences to create a different presentation for your essay. I hope you will like it :-)

...

As I promised, I removed some parts of the essays to give them a fresh outlook and also pass any possible plagiarism tests, just in case. Feel free to make your own changes or additions. I can review the work that you did on these essays if you wish :-)

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of standard yearly expenditures in United States regarding the phones sales [2]

A breakdown of standard yearly spending on mobile phone and landline phones in THE US OVER A PERIOD OF 9 YEARS from THE YEAR 2001 to 2010, a 9 year period is illustrated in the line chart. Overall, while over 10 years the amount of money spent on cell phones increased dramatically OVER 10 YEARS AND , the average expenditure on stationary phones decreased significantly.

There were some changes in expenditure over the following 5 years. While THE average's sell SALE of residential phone services in 2001 WAS under $700, Americans only bought cell phone services at DURING the same time at about $200 which was the lowest figure in this question period. The following year, the landline phone disposals EXPENSES fell slightly to $650, but the selling of mobile phone rose steadily to $300. Interestingly, both phones experienced a THE same rate in consumers' expenditures at more than five hundred dollars in 2006.

A more detailed looking at the chart reveals that A significant changes in the last 5 years. Both categories (mobile and landline phones) explained SHOWED a dramatic decrease and increase to under $500 and above $600 repetitively in 2007. In contrast, while all items altered slowly, the first figure rose significantly to $750 which was the highest proportion yearly spending and another item dropped down to $400.

- Which items in particular refer to which amount?

Writing Feedback / The cycle graph shows the various steps of nymph life. [2]

Hi Irham :-) Listen, this particular report of yours is really good. You were able to deliver on all points and did not lack any of the essay requirements. How I wish that you could carry over your talent for writing the reports to your IELTS Task 1 essays as well. I hope to see continued improvements on both counts in the future. I am not going to lose hope on you :-)

In the meantime, here are my improvements in your essay:

the life cycle OF THE NYMPH is completed between 34 and 36 days.

the life process of the nymph is started STARTS when the female lays eggs, usually two or three eggs per OVER A PERIOD OF 3 days. What is more, t The insects EGGS need 3 days to maturity time MATURE. The following OVER THE COURSE OF 9 days, each egg hatches AS a new generation which OF nymphS THAT molts three times as it develops.

A more detailed looks at the graph reveals that three molting places. Initially, the nymph emerges from THE egg in ON the fourth day. Furthermore, it grows to be young insect after 7 days. Eventually, it is called A young adult nymph when it is 9 days old. IT reaches full maturity in the 34-36 days.

Undergraduate / Habit of Eating Local Food Shaped My Attitude Towards Life - Prompt 1 Common App [13]

Hi Jeremy, for some reason the thread won't show me the perfected version of your essay anymore. So I can't really judge which prompt would be best serviced by the essay that you wrote. I hope that you can somehow post the perfected essay within this thread again so that I will have a reference point for consideration.

Anyway, I am sure that we can edit the essay to make it work with either prompt. Like I told you before, all essays can be rephrased in order to make it a fresh essay. From that point, you can also re-edit the essay in order to make it better work for the purpose of either prompts that you provided. So I think that while the essay will most likely work with one of the prompts, it will need to be revised for a specific purpose.

We need to revise the essay in order to change the point of view, but not necessarily the content of the essay. By doing so, you will be able to avoid any plagiarism checkers that the university reviewer might be using in order to determine the originality of your statement. That said, I will wait for you to post the essay again and then I will help you refresh the essay for submission to a new university alright? :-)

Writing Feedback / Americans spending on diffrend kinds of phone services from in a ten-year period [3]

Hi Hasbi, this is not a bad effort. You presented the discussion in a clear manner and show a high ability to understand the charts and then translate it to words. Your grammar just needs to be corrected in order to deliver a smoother report. Please refer to my advised changes below:

A comparison of the annual amount of Americans spending on mobile and mobile phone services COVERING A 10 YEAR PERIOD from 2001 to 2010, a ten-year period is illustrated in the line chart. Overall, it can be seen that people were more likely to spend SPENT MORE money on residential phone services rather than on mobile phone services at the beginning. However, t These figures showed a reverse in the last period.

In 2001, the highest expenditure EXPENSES WERE INCURRED BY THE was US consumers, which WHO spent an average of virtually $700 on residential phone services, compared to cell phone services, at solely ONLY $200. Over the following five years, this figure has plummeted by $200. Contrastingly, expenditure IN CONTRAST EXPENSES on mobile services has increased by around $300.

In 2006, the average American's spending on both figures was equal, at nearly $500. On the other hand, by 2010, expenditure on mobile phones exceeded the number of residential services and reached a peak to OF $700, while spending on residential services had fallen to just $400 over the SAME time frame.

Graduate / MS.c Management / Personal Statement through answering five questions [2]

Hi Hanan, after careful consideration, I believe that your personal statement has managed to deliver on all fronts in terms of the listed questions except for the the question that refers to what contributions you can make to the course. Your response is not really correct because it refers to an extra curricular activity that you are currently engaged in that you plan to continue while you are a student at the university. It is not an activity that you will engage in at the school in order to help the improve the course that you are interested in taking up as a masters degree.

The proper response for that particular question would be to present some sort of research study that you would like to undertake as a masters degree student. Explain the reasoning behind your interest in that particular field, why you have an inclination to do further research in that area, how you hope the research will prove to be beneficial in the field, and finally, how the university itself can help you conduct your research and in the long run, benefit from the said research study.

When you are a masters degree student, you are expected to have a particular interest in this type of field that has raised a question in your mind. As such, the reason that you are seeking higher study is because you wish to find an answer to that question. That is why masters degree students often work on their dissertation projects starting from their first year as a masters degree student. It is this kind of information that you should present in response to question number 3. The more interesting your dissertation topic, the more memorable your personal statement will be to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus Letter of Motivationon Information Technologies for Business Intelligence [2]

Ishaqur, this is definitely, as you put it "too verbose". The reason it became that way is because you did not even try to write a simple cover letter. You decided to write a personal statement, statement of purpose, and academic purpose all in one. That is not what you have to include in the cover letter. As the term self explains, it is a "cover letter" or a letter that accompanies your application documents. Have you ever had to apply for a job? Remember how you have to attach an introductory letter to your CV when you submit it to the HR of a company? Well, the cover letter of your student application is similar to that.

The difference between your professional cover letter and your student cover letter is simply within the content of the said letter. A professional cover letter asks you to list, in bullet points, your best traits and qualities as worker, along with an overview of your essential office skills. When you write a student cover letter, you still have to discuss your qualities and essential traits. Only this time, as a student. So, what should be included in those bullet points?

Mention the following in your cover letter:
1. Your name
2. The course you intent to enroll in
3. The reasons you want to enroll in this particular masters degree
4. An invitation to review your application documentation for further information regarding your application.
5. Inform the reader of your interest to have a formal interview with him at his most convenient time

Treat the cover letter the same way that you would treat a professional cover letter. Don't submit a 2 page letter, that will be overkill. A simple 3-5 paragraph letter will accomplish the task. Remember, you are merely introducing yourself as a student applicant. Don't go overboard by trying to present all your application requirements in one blow. That would render your essay applications useless and make the reviewer feel too overwhelmed to even continue reading your application packet.

Writing Feedback / Technology's development makes people today more likely to do their job outside of offices. [5]

Irham, why are you discussing drawbacks in this essay when the prompt is asking you to only discuss "Do benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?" You really have a problem staying close to the prompt. Your first paragraph totally deviates from the prompt expectations and even delivers an unclear statement relating to " I argue that it will cause many drawbacks like individualist and crime." What do you mean by "individualist? Can you please explain how these relate to the way that Information technology or mobility outweighs the disadvantages?

I am really sad about the way that you manage to get back on track in the body of the essay, properly discussing the prompt requirements and delivering on all points, only to drop the ball and repeat the mistakes that you made in your overview introduction in the concluding paragraph. What makes it so hard for you to stay on track with the prompt? Do you lack focus? Or perhaps you forget to refer back to the prompt when you are developing the essay? You can always refer to the prompt again anytime you need to so please, do that before you write your conclusion next time in order to make sure that you stay on point with the prompt.

Your almost acceptable conclusion was totally ruined by the inclusion of the following line:

While it is true, I totally believe that it will boost individualism and crime rate.

If you remove that and merely restate the prompt at the end in the expected manner, the essay would have had a better chance at getting a passing grade.

Undergraduate / I thought she was DEAD - [UC Prompt 2] [14]

Tonya, with your permission, I decided to edit your essay for you so that we can keep the focus on you and less on your mother, while also fixing any existing content problems in the essay. Here is what I came up with at 451 words:

I thought she was dead.

Though a petite woman, my mom was stronger than looks gave her credit for. Fleeing war-torn Vietnam at 19, with nothing but straw sandals on her feet, she learned how to survive in America. Despite being diagnosed with chronic Hepatitis B, she insisted on continuing to work to make ends meet. She served as a pillar of strength for our family, cementing the values I strive to live by. The night my dad and I found her on the kitchen floor was the scariest night of my life. Even in her depression, shadowed in my father's infidelity, I never fathomed that my mom would have attempted suicide or that it would have made me a better person.

Overnight, the home I was familiar with vanished as my mom remained under medical and psychiatric care for months. In her absence, I felt abandoned. Part of me resented her for it. Maybe, because I was jolted into a reality where I couldn't depend on her. My dad couldn't take time off from work so I had to assume the role of my mom.

I found myself responsible for our family and their needs since my father spoke very little English. I learned to cook warm meals for my dad and I, scouring through her handwritten recipes to find a taste of home again. Over time, my angerat here eased. With every fold of the laundry, every whisk of the toilet bowl, every time I found myself filling in her shoes, my gratitude for her grew. I found myself on a quest to live a life my mom would be proud of. My anger and entitlement transformed into empathy and soon, I wasn't merely empathizing; I was experiencing what it meant to be a lone pillar, holding up a shaky roof.

After what seemed like a lifetime, my mom was discharged from the hospital - she had come back from the dead. Although I didn't actually lose my mom, I understand the deepest meanings of grief and inherently, the value of life. Despite the trauma, I wouldn't take my experience back for anything else. Her absence served as an outreach for me to climb out of childhood: I gained an unimaginable resilience, gratitude, and perspective. I thought my mother was immune to the throngs of life, but I've realized that even the strongest of pillars can use reinforcements.

My experiences in life haven't been the easiest and ironically, it led me to become an optimist. I face my obstacles knowing that adversity breeds growth and that "this too, shall pass." I'm not the broken girl who found her mother, cold, on the kitchen floor. I'm a pillar of strength.

Writing Feedback / 'Running Dream' book - setting description [3]

Ariuka, you are only supposed to be describing the setting of the story and yet to somehow managed to also describe the emotions of the characters and some story plots. Correct me if I am wrong but I do believe that those aspects are not part of the instruction that you gave. Anyway, I edited your statement below. I believe it works much better now.

The beginning of the book "The Running Dream" took place in a hospital room. The scenes then change from there to mostly the school or home of the lead character. As the lead characters, Jessica, enters the house, she smells a mix of onions, oregano, and garlic, here mom is cooking her famous spaghetti sauce. Her dog, Sherlock, lets out a happy bark as he is reunited with his master. Jessica then goes to her room, which used to be on the right upstairs, but is now downstairs in the family room. If the book had been set elsewhere at the start, the love of Jessica's parents for her would not have been presented in the story. Neither would their worry about her. Jessica is for the most part, comfortable in her home.

At school, Jessica is depicted as being loved by her classmates as her friend Shandall, who is on the track team, gleefully greets her with a hug and a squeal. Had Jessica not missed school, she would not have met Rosa, wouldn't have gotten her running legs back without her track team friends, and she would not have run again.

Writing Feedback / Dwellers play their gadgets. Information technology has altered the way of people work. IELTS task 2 [4]

Bayu, you are most certainly getting to the point where you will finally be able to say that you are ready to take your test. You have shown a great deal of development not only in the way that you write, but also in the way that you understand the prompt. I applaud the efforts you have made and the results of your hard work.

Writing Feedback / Information technology overhauled people's life - wasting time and damaging people's health [3]

Irham, Jonathan is right. Your comprehension weakness has once again ruined your chances of passing this test. I have informed you more than once about your problem with understanding the prompt and you do not really show any signs of improvement in that aspect. It is really imperative at this point that you do your best to practice your comprehension skills. I will not even bother to review your essay for content and grammar because the whole discussion is going to the left when it should be going to the right. You did not respond to the prompt at all which means that in the actual test, you would have delivered an epic fail of a response, most likely failing the whole exam in the process.

Please, do yourself a favor and practice developing your comprehension skills. No, I do not believe that there is no time for a test-taker to develop and practice their weak points. If you want to pass your test, then you should acknowledge that you have inabilities that need to be addressed. Otherwise, you do not stand a chance of passing.

The exercise for comprehension skill development is really simple. It is as simple as reading an English comic book with a friend, then you can write an essay about what you understood the story to be about and then have your friend, who read the same comic book, check your essay for comprehension. If you were able to tell the correct story in your own words, in English (regardless of the imperfect grammar), then you will have begun to develop your comprehension skills. It is really of the utmost importance to your exam that you get your comprehension skills perfected. I wish for you to pass this test which is why I am being this hard on you. If you don't develop your comprehension skills, I can't help but fear what the actual test results for you might be.

Undergraduate / 'calculating definite integrals' - Rhetorical Analysis in a STEM World; [UC Prompt 1] [3]

Hey Robby, this is really a unique essay. You did not go for the normal and expected route when responding to the prompt and, as expected, you managed to come up with a mind blowing essay in response to the prompt. It is highly insightful and delivers on all aspects of your development in a world that most people do not even think exists. This is not just an essay, it is an eye opening essay.

My only concern is that you might have gone too far in your discussion because there are times when the essay already carries a personal statement type of feel to it. You need to keep that type of discussion away from this essay and just deliver the necessary points related to your rhetorical development in the STEM field. In my opinion, there is a paragraph that can actually be deleted in order to keep the tight focus of your essay and allow for the complete development of your personality in the world you are depicting.

Consider if the paragraph that shares :

"My teacher defined a rhetorical analysis as a criticism and identification of the rhetorical strategies utilized by the author to achieve a desired effect: to persuade, inform, or entertain. I incorrectly assumed that rhetorical analysis would parallel the methods of analysis of graphs or free-body diagrams so on my first rhetorical analysis essay I struggled."

is actually important to the essay. That whole paragraph does not seem to have the same impact or share as much information as the paragraph below it. I feel that removing the aforementioned paragraph will help improve the content and presentation of your essay. Not that your current essay is bad, but just like all other essays, it still has room for improvement :-)

Writing Feedback / The influence of globalization on languages - IELTS TASK2 [2]

Ran, at the beginning of your essay, I am not really sure why you are discussing the trend of globalization. If you are using globalization as the basis of your discussion about the rise and fall of some languages, then you need to create a strong and clear connection between the two. Right now, there is no connecting idea between the two so the presentation of globalization does not really make much sense. If you can develop the connection in your introduction, then your discussion will further improve and inform the reader.

Your thesis is flawed because you did not properly represent the original prompt. While you were being asked to either agree or disagree with the previous statement, you opted to instead present a discussion or advantages and disadvantages of the prompt. If you review your statement from the eye of an examiner as I did, you will be left with no recourse but to deduct points from the essay because of the deviation from the prompt requirements.

If you had only developed the correct thesis statement, the rest of your essay discussion would have been perfect. It had the potential to deliver the perfect discussion of the negative aspect of the increased global use of certain language and the decline of certain languages. Another helpful point in this discussion would have come from your personal experience of having to study a different language and test for your ability to speak and use that language just so you can go to school in another country for higher studies. Adding some personal touches to these types of essays always score additional points because it shows a definite understanding of the prompt and creates a unique point of view for yourself, thus adding your important voice to the essay.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: Your World (thirty eight) - I've grown to become a programming "nerd" [7]

Joe, the essay is an easy read but it doesn't really reflect the kind of response that would touch a chord or make a lasting impression on the reviewer. In trying to deliver a lighthearted conversational mood in the essay, you overdid it. It lacks the focus that shows a real serious relationship with the world that helped you develop your personality, traits, and interests. Throughout the essay, you focused on your academic relationship with people rather than the friendly, familiar, or influential relationship you have with them.

I will be bold at this point and suggest that you revise the essay in order to strengthen your presentation. Rather than just mentioning the relationship with your teacher in a very curt manner, try to develop your essay around that relationship. Discuss how you and he evolved your contact from teacher - student to older friend - younger friend. It really seems that there is more to your friendship with him that you have related and it will be a good focal point for the essay since he is sure to have influenced your dreams, aspirations, and the person you have become.

The rest of your essay discussed topics, such as the development of your interest in computer programming and the like, belong to a different prompt. Try to bring a more personal relationship to the essay. Show us how you developed your personality within this community. Again, my suggestion is to work on the possible father-son relationship that you developed with your teacher. That should work perfectly for this essay.

Book Reports / Conrad's Heart of Darkness is a novel about the Dominican Republic and not on a boy/man seekin love. [5]

Cameron, your introduction delivers a good background that presents the two novels that you will be discussing in the essay. The weakness of your introduction lies in the way that your thesis statement still has to be developed. The thesis is presented in the prompt that your professor provided. What you have to do is represent the thesis in your original opening paragraph.

The best way to develop and present your thesis in this case is to simply rephrase the original prompt. Just state it in the manner that you understand the prompt to be implying and you will be set with your opening statement. The reason that you are having a hard time with developing your introduction is because you are trying to present an idea that tries to immediately answer the prompt instead of passing through the rudimentary moves meant to help you develop an opening statement. Just restate the prompt and the rest of the content will fall into place before you know it.

If you are still facing a wall regarding your introduction, you can always tell us what your idea for the introduction is and we can come forward with suggestions as to how you can word it. Papers like these are never easy to write because you have to compare two excellent novels in order to respond to the prompt. What we can do for you here is help you throw around ideas that may make it easier to write not just the introduction, but the rest of the essay as well :-)

Writing Feedback / INTERNET AND VALID INFORMATION ON SPECIFIC WEBSITES [3]

Anna, before you present your discussion presenting your disagreement to the prompt that states "Internet contains a lot of information, however, sometimes this information is inaccurate or wrong." You need to first make sure that the reader knows that you will be discussing your opinion in the essay. A simple sentence that says, "I disagree with this statement because..." will automatically represent the prompt requirement that you "agree or disagree with this statement". This is an opinion that should be contained in the second to the last or the last sentence of your overview paragraph. Never neglect to provide the complete prompt requirements at the very start of your essay. Always review the prompt as you develop the essay to ensure that you have not neglected to represent all the requirements for the discussion.

You have presented valid discussion in your defense of the statement. All of which have helped to strengthen your position on the topic. I just wish that you had presented some opposing points of view in relation to your discussion because the current version of the essay comes across as one sided. It does not accurately discuss the points of debate that have led to the development of the essay topic. Don't forget, the best way to strengthen your position is to simply weaken the opposition.

That said, pointing out the the weakness of the opposing side, such as saying "While others believe that the information contained by the internet is often inaccurate and wrong, have not considered the fact that the internet allows a person to do complete research and comparisons of opinions and essays from various sources in order to come up with an educated opinion. Therefore, there is no wrong information on the internet, only ill researched materials."

By the way, you should include information about how the academic community has helped the internet provide accurate information by creating academically acceptable websites that end with the .gov, .edu . org URL's. That is why the journals and thesis you find online become sources that professors welcome.

Undergraduate / My time in debate has made me more aware and tolerant of other people's views - ApplyTexas Topic A [3]

Hi Maggie, I am glad to to tell you that your essay is most certainly interesting, engaging, and portrays the kind of person that you are in a manner that anybody, not just a reviewer will take note of. However, rather than saying you joined debate, you should change the reference to when you joined the "debate team" and what you learned as a member of the "debate team". you see, debate is the name of the club and the description of the activity done. The people who perform the activity are known as "debaters" who are members of the "debate team". That little term adjustment should help to improve your description of the world where you were involved with people who have different ideas from yours.

Right now, it feels like your second paragraph runs extraordinarily long. Would it be possible for you to shorten the paragraph without affecting the content or topic you are presenting? Try to simplify the description of the members of the team and instead, concentrating on focusing the statement on your point of view as a "left wing" Texan instead. After all, the essay should talk more about your differing opinion instead of a generalized description as you have presented at the moment.

Your paper actually presents a unique response to the prompt. It is something that not all students would consider an appropriate response because it would be a bit difficult to discuss. However, you managed to pull the discussion off to your benefit. If I have one small critique of your essay, it is that you did not present the reasons that made you engage in debate as an activity. I believe that while your opening paragraph is acceptable at the moment, it is not as strong as it could be. My opinion, is that your opening statement can be strengthened immensely by the presentation of your personal reasons for having joined a world where you knew that you would be faced with beliefs and ideas that are far different from yours. It gives the decision to join debate and engage in the activity more sense and reason.

Undergraduate / Through this experience I have learned that I am stronger than I would have ever deemed myself to be [4]

Madison, I know that you are practicing or preparing a response to a college application prompt. While I can understand that you feel a need to use as many words as possible in describing the most difficult thing you have experienced and what you learned from it, I am advising you to just keep the response simple and direct to the point. Don't make the essay so wordy that that reviewer actually has to constantly re-read your statement in order to understand what you are driving at. I took the liberty of revising your essay for you in order to make your message clearer and avoid the need for constant reviewing of your work on the reviewer's part. Here is my take on your statement using only 237 words:

As a teenager, I already suffer from the typical teenage angst related to mood swings and other related issues. So you can imagine how much more difficult living the teenage life became for me when Clinical Depression was added to this mix of exploding hormones.

The illness made my life so unbearable at times that even the simple act of getting out of bed and dressed for a rigorous year of junior high school was tantamount to a triumph on my part. So affected was I by my depression that at my worst, I failed to attend school for three months. While I suffered immensely, I found that over time, the condition I was in served as a strengthening experience for me. It changed my outlook in life and created a better version of myself. I may never recover from my state of depression. Clinical depression is an everyday, uphill battle for me that has helped me learn how to feel compassion for those in anguish. I have come to value the days when bits and pieces of joy enter my life or my day. Empathy is something that I developed for everyone around me regardless of whether that person brings a smile to my face or sadness to my heart. Clinical depression has taught me the value of a person's life happiness and to welcome the lessons brought by my unwarranted but clinical depression learning pains.

Keep in mind that while you cannot go beyond 250 words, you can actually write less than that. Anything less than 250 but over 200 words will be informative enough to get your message across and hold the attention of the reviewer. Again, less than 200 is not fine. Just because you were able to write 250 words exactly does not make the statement perfect either. It just means that it is filled with redundancies and word fillers which makes the essay boring for the reviewer to read. So don't aim for the maximum word count, that doesn't make your statement perfect. Bat for something in the middle instead.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays students have more opportunities to study abroad - advantages and disadvantages [2]

Luu, I have to agree with Nguyen regarding your use of words. It kind of feels like you did one of two things while writing this essay; either you opened a dictionary and looked up words that you felt could help you impress the examiner with your usage or, you had a thesaurus available to help you vary your word usage. While using the dictionary will actually help you build your vocabulary and word usage, using a thesaurus, which I believe you did for this essay, will only provide you with the similar meaning words which may or may not work in the context of your sentence. So before using a word from a thesaurus, or if you imagine that a certain word exists, consult a dictionary to confirm meaning, word usage, and existence.

It is obvious that you are preparing to take an English qualifying test with this essay of yours. That is why you have to be very careful and pay particular attention to your word usage. While you may not be able to take the time to be selective and careful with your word usage during your class practice tests, it will serve you well to take your time in writing your personal practice tests.

When you do your personal practice tests, don't time yourself. Use that opportunity to built your word vocabulary instead of simply trying to write within the allotted time. Do the speed writing during your class tests. Make sure that you develop both your speed in writing and, more importantly, your word usage skills evenly. Do not prioritize one over the other because both are very important when it comes to grading your actual test. Comprehension and word usage skills matter more than your word count and the speed at which you can finalize your essay.

Undergraduate / Essay of UIUC : From a film editor to a computer scientist. [5]

Edward, when you start discussing your last paragraph, I believe that it would be best if you focused solely on your future plans instead of continuing a partial discussion of what your experience with the computer software was like. By removing the line "My simple picture editing software let me realize how powerful a few lines of words, punctuations and numbers can be in computer programming, and it made me eager to delve deeper in this field." and placing it at the end of the previous paragraph instead, you will find that the sentiment will have been better placed within the overall set up of the essay. It does not serve well as the introductory sentence in the next paragraph because this sentence does not relate to your future career plans and goals.

With regards to your future plans, make sure to mention if you plan to take a masters degree course in the future. Such kinds of plans often help to impress the reviewer because it delivers the impression that you are serious about your academics and you will take your career preparation path all the way to its ultimate goal. Present the idea of developing your personal film editing software as a stand alone paragraph so that you can fully develop and present the idea behind that ambition. If you can convince the reviewer that you have some pretty feasible plans for your future that the university can help you to accomplish, it will be easier for you to gain consideration as a future student at the university.

You did some pretty good work in responding to the prompt. Each requirement was addressed with clarity,despite the word count limitation. In fact, that particular paragraph is really the longest in the essay when it can actually be shortened for content and relevance to your application. If I were you, I would try to shorten the paragraph about the way you used that pixel software so that you will have more word count left for the thorough or at least partially informative future plans discussion for yourself in the essay.

Essays / I was asked to write an essay to indicate a person who had a significant influence [9]

Joshua, your father is indeed an admirable person. However, you have spoken too much about his personality in the essay. The focus of the essay shifted accidentally from you to your father. The aim of the prompt is to have you discuss how he has influenced your life in a particular manner. While you presented many aspects of interest and influence, you should try to simplify the content of your essay by concentrating on one influence. Try to analyze your relationship with your father and discover what his strongest influence in your life is. By doing that, the focus of your essay will concentrate on just one point and allow the reviewer to gain a particular insight into your father-son relationship.

While I admire your Christian convictions and the strength of that influence in both yours and your father's life, I think that you should choose a less religious option to represent your relationship with him in the essay. Now, now, I absolutely do not have anything against Christians or any other religion for that matter. It is just that by offering a purely religion based discussion of the influence, it would seem that your father's influence upon you does not go beyond the realm of the religious setting. What we need is a real life setting that can depict your personal, and less religious relationship with your father.

Truth be told, the real influence in your essay is not your father but God through your father's representation. Maybe you should think about discussing that abstract idea instead. It will only take a little adjustment of the content of the current essay to redirect it. Honestly, I think you should consider that perspective for your essay. It just seems to make a lot more sense than your discussion about your father and his influence upon you.

However, if you can present a moment in your life when you father was able to perform a strong influence upon you, that is not related to religion, I would rather you discuss that. It is that kind of direct influence that this essay prompt is looking for and hopefully, the kind of response that you can deliver.

Again, the final content of the essay is your choice. If you really want to go with this current draft, then I will help you finalize the content and get it ready for submission. Let me know how you will decide and we will proceed accordingly.

Scholarship / 'I developed a slight tendency towards project management.' Mundus Scholarship letter [9]

Qamar, you dropped the ball at the start of your essay. You could have developed the following statement as your introductory paragraph because it is the basis of the development of your interest in project management. Try to add more information to:

I developed an interest in project management when I studied it as a part of business management course

As a separate paragraph, it will help your essay if you indicate which classes in particular caught your interest and then offer a simple explanation as to why that happened. This development will show the seed of interest that was planted during your early exposure to basic project management courses. Then offer the information regarding your first job as a separate paragraph because it is a complete and solo paragraph topic. Your project for the government should also be a separate topic paragraph.

The following paragraph has some parts that I feel you need to delete because these should be information contained in the documents that you submitted to the scholarship committee. I also included some edits in capital letters:

I come from a backward area of kurram agency in Federally administered tribal areas. It lacks basic healthcare and education facilities and is marginalized from the mainstream Pakistan.I excelled at studies at school and was selected at Cadet college Kohat. I aced my SSC and HSSC exams. At high school, I was a part of debating society, essay writing club, shooting club and arts club. I graduated from University of Peshawar on a Higher Education Commission grant for students for backward areas of FATA and Baluchistan. Coming from a remote village near THE afghan border, I graduated with honors from one the best universities in Pakistan. I have lived in 5 cities, worked 3 jobs at different cities and lived as a boarder for 10 years. I am confident, a team player, goal oriented and always look forward to learn new concepts. I have a passion to learn new languages and speak five languages namely Pashto, urdu ,Panjabi, Persian and English.

The part that I used the strike out on are the parts that should be represented in your transcript of records and additional documents. Those should not be contained in the scholarship letter.

The statement about the scholarship, the whole paragraph that starts with Erasmus Mundus scholarship provides me with a unique opportunity to study at three prestigious universities of Europe. should be located at the end of your essay. This is the most important part of the scholarship essay and needs to be highlighted at the part of the essay where the scholarship reviewer will be sure to remember it.

The rest of the essay seems to be working well so far. If you can just please apply the corrections that I suggested, we can get to work on finalizing the content and form of your written work next.

Writing Feedback / The number of travellers using three major airports in New York City between 1995 and 2000. [2]

Ani, Bayu is right, you forgot to mention the graph numbers in your essay so this will be an immediate failure in the actual test. You did not present accurate and correct information in your essay. You only summarized the overall report without offering figures so the report credibility now comes into question. In order to write credible reports, you always need to refer to your data that is composed of facts and figures. With that warning issued to you, I'll try to help you address the existing problems of your essay, sans the accurate figures of your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : A breakdown of the erosion process in a headland [3]

Hasdi, you show a very good understanding of the chart provided and you have managed to express your thoughts well enough to get a passing grade on this task essay. While the grammar requires corrections, your efforts resulted in a well enough written essay. You also have to pay attention to your spelling. There were a few serious spelling errors that affected the meaning of your sentence. I will note those errors in my corrections. Here are my suggested corrections:

A breakdown of the erosion process in a headland is presented in the diagram. Overall, it is clearly seen that time by time THE PASSAGE OF TIME HAS CAUSED the headland TO gradually disappears, and . t The process continues for some natural steps without any affection of human. NATURALLY WITHOUT HUMAN INTERVENTION.

To begin, b Beneath the base of the headland, there are SOME weak areas, hollow lands caused by erosion, which is like ARE SIMILAR TO a small cave. After that, t The hollow land becomes huger LARGER, so the cave turns CREATES AN arch, where it is possibly shaped like SIMILAR TO THE ONES AT Durdle, door, or Dorset. After the sea water WAVES beats against the hollow lands for A long time, THEN the roof of the headland disappears, and it gets GETTING wicker and wicker WEAKER AND WEAKER.

Following that, after being eroded, the stack area is separated from the headland. Whereas a THE frequency of water pressure causes a powerless HEAVILY WEAKENED area. Eventually, the roof of the separated land retreats, which effects AFFECTING virtually a half of the size lost. Consequently, the stack land falls into the sea, and creates A stump.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - Summarize the impact of erosion of a headland [2]

Irfan, your report summary lacks another sentence in order to be acceptable in format. You know that 3 sentences comprise the minimum requirement for these paragraphs right? Why do you often forget to do that? It seems to be a recurring problem for you. You need to be conscious of the paragraph formatting when you are developing your thoughts.

Even with the problem of your introductory paragraph, the overall content of your report is concise and delivers the expected information. It is clear and does not contain too much word filler. However, your use of connecting phrases at the start of the paragraph is really misplaced. You should learn to create transition sentences in the prior paragraphs in order to make your opening sentence in your new paragraph more effective. Here are my suggested corrections:

The diagram describes several processes regarding erosion which is affected to a AFFECTS THE headland. Overall, although WHILE the waves always hit THE cliff, the coastline experiences a stable condition. (ADD ANOTHER SENTENCE BY DIVIDING THE LAST SENTENCE LINE INTO 2.)

To begin, t The headland is constructed with two holes which are located in weak areas. Then, t The immense orifice becomes larger than before BECAUSE OF THE WEAK SPOTS. After taking very long time process, the arch is formed THE ARCH IS FORMED AFTER A LONG PROCESSING TIME. This is because IT IS CREATED BY the waves strike ING the cave. As example, t THIS IS WHY the extreme erosion occurred in Durdle Door, Dorset, where the precipice is smashed by extremely strong waves.

Furthermore, t The crack on the rock becomes wider and this crashes DAMAGES the hollow. Meanwhile, t The power of water has separated S it as INTO two parts after damaging the roof position . What is more, t The cuttings are collected beside it. Eventually, the separated headland shot to pieces FALLS APART WITH , most stumps fell FALLING to THE sea. Afterwards, a novel hole is created. This hole is predicted to destroyS the hollow slightly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Children should only concentrate on their aptitude subjects [2]

Bayu, I can understand the point that you are trying to make in your introduction. However, you forgot to present an important part of the prompt at the end of the paragraph. You need to make your agreement or disagreement with the statement as clear as possible. It is being required by the prompt so don't neglect to provide your voice in the opening statement.

That said, I would now like to focus on correcting the mistakes in your grammar. Here are the points of correction:

Children A CHILD'S education is very important.AS SUCH, T they should only focus on the subjects which are competence to them WHERE THEY SHOW COMPETENT SKILLS, and abandoned art classes if they do not have any interest with IN it. Although this statement is true in some extent, it is believed that learnING artS such drawing and painting can increase your brain capability ABILITY, and also this activity can helpS to reduce stress.

Apparently, THE school syllabus has a wide range of subjects these days. This is not good for children development since each student has a different aptitude. They should only concentrate on the subject what they like. For example, pupils who have good skillS in IT or mathematics can omit other subjects, such as painting and drawing. Doing merely practical subjects STUDYING SUBJECTS THEY ARE INTERESTED IN will make their time effective and resulting good remark IN GOOD GRADES in their examS. As seen, it THEREFORE IT is necessary to ignore other subjectS THAT which is ARE not related with TO their specialty.

THE human brain is separated into two chambers ZONES. The right side is for exact matter likes mathematics and the left side is for abstract subject such art. A recent study done by Harvard University in 2012 reveals that children who do both things in STUDY BOTH art and exact science tend to have a better score. This is because we feed and activate both of our brains equally. In addition, drawing and painting activities can reduce pupils STUDENT stress. They feel happy when THEY draw their imagination in ON a sheet of paper. Meanwhile, this kind of activity also increases their creativity which is beneficial for TO helping them to solve the problem.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that dispute children lack of artistic talent, they should be given this art lesson for their merits. Where possible, balancing this both subjects will carry best result to them in young age.

I deleted your conclusion in totality because it does not make any sense and does not properly conclude the essay.

Research Papers / "Food Security" - A look at poverty in America [5]

Terra, your thesis statement is not as complete as it should be. As an overview of your research, you did not really establish the parameters of research and the topics that will be covered as the essay progresses. It is important that you develop a more solid presentation of your topic that will include the overview of the solutions you plan to discuss and the presentation of the basic solution to the problem. All of which should culminate in the results of your research.

You presented one of the ideas for the solution to the problem using an example from World War 2. That is a nice concept that you should develop some more in order to make it more relevant to our times. You referred to the "evolved into state-supported 'national kitchens'" model for this concept. How would you update it for implementation in peace time? When you present such examples as solutions, you must always remember to present an updated application for it because, if it worked in World War 2, a little updating should make it work for us in the 21st century.

While you presented a research paper based upon historical, practical, and current accounts, you should try to develop an original idea for a solution to the problem prior to concluding your research. Don't forget that a research paper still requires the voice and thoughts of the author. So developing a possible solution to the problem, based upon your research, should be able to help you present a new solution to the existing problem.

Graduate / 'providing enough for those who have too little' - UBC SOP Graduate Admissions in Computer Science [8]

Ishaqur, in all honesty, I believe that the SOP that you wrote for the Erasmus Mundus SOP was much better than this essay that you wrote. In fact, I believe that you should just revise the SOP for the scholarship for use with various universities in order to present the best possible statement of purpose for your interests.

Why don't you consider taking what is good with this current essay and the best parts of the Erasmus essay, then combine those parts in order to create a new and hopefully, effective statement of purpose for yourself?

Which strong parts of this essay would I take? Let me list down the first sentence of each paragraph that I think you can use from this essay:

1. "The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little." -Franklin D. Roosevelt

2.I realized that attaining a Masters degree would help me evolve, progress on a personal level.

3. Whether it was making a simple notepad for color blind people using Java or helping the guards at our university with an automated parking system using C, my projects aimed to alleviate problems

Now, I want you to review the Erasmus SOP and try to integrate the above paragraphs into the essay. After you do that, you can post the new essay and we can work together on finalizing the content and preparing it for submission :-)

Essays / I was asked to write an essay to indicate a person who had a significant influence [9]

Indeed, the prompt requires you write about a person, so I can understand how wanting to write about both your parents can pose a problem for your topic development. So, the first thing you should keep in mind is not to tell your parents, either of them that you plan to write about them for this essay. Most specially since you will have to choose one parent over the other in order to actually write about a parental influence in this essay.

The next step, is to have you list down the positive traits of your parents that you feel has provided the most influence upon your development. One column for mom and one column for dad. As you work on the list, you will begin to understand and realize who between your parents has the most influence in your life. After you have listed as much positive influences as you can for each one, look the list over. Whoever has the most listed will be the parent that you should write about.

Or, another consideration could be whomever was at your side during a time in your life that you consider pivotal. Who helped you out the most? How did you view this parent before you were helped? How did you perspective of this parent change in your eyes after what happened? Could you consider it a strong, positive influence? If you answer yes to all these questions, then you can write about that time in your life with that particular parent.

Ultimately, the decision about which parent to write about is yours to make. We can only offer our opinion or advice as to how you can approach this essay. Whomever you choose to write about is the right decision for you. We will be here to help you develop your essay as best as we can :-)

Essays / Doping in sports - Toulmin model essay [4]

You should look into representing the health drawbacks of using PED's. The negatives should have its own topic and sub topic because it requires a very in-depth discussion that can't be done as a simple paragraph or two in a specific topic. Have you given any thought to giving a concrete example of how PED's can cause the downfall of an athlete? Somehow I feel that a reference to Lance Armstrong and his Tour De France historic downfall must be presented in the discussion.

Armstrong, being the epitome of the athlete who crushed his career by his creative use of PED's should definitely be included in this essay. Perhaps you can use his career as the basis for your thesis development which at the moment requires some further work. You said :

Athletes are using performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs) because they believe that it gives them a competitive advantage which will provide them with potential financial success, social status, and aesthetic appeal.

While the list of your discussion topics are relevant and quite intricate in relation to your partial thesis, I believe that it could be further strengthened if you would add something like:

In order to understand the appeal of the PED on the athletes and their mindset, one must first understand how the drug alters their state of mind and how that altered state is what makes them vulnerable rather than stronger. This essay will present evidence as to how these drugs affect the psychological stability and physical well being of its user along with information as to why this should be prevented.

Scholarship / Olympiads, Chemistry Club and tutorial classes - NTU Scholarship Essay on my achievements [11]

Joshua, I've been trying for a number of hours to access the .pdf file using the link you sent but I really can't seem to get it to load. While your perception of the acronym may be correct, I am still not sure if the essay that you wrote is what the prompt is asking for because of the confusion about the meaning of CCA. As I analyze it, you could be right about the NTU Co Curricular activities topic because the university uses the same acronym for their cultural arts program and school activities / clubs / organizations listing. That said, it would be best to address the prompt in relation to CCA as a part of your after school activities. Another reason that I believe now that this will be the right discussion is because you are applying for a scholarship, which I did not know before. So, since this is a scholarship essay, it stands to reason that the reference to CCA will be more aligned with academic rather than art achievements.

While I advice you to keep the reference to tutoring other students, you still need to find that one impressive academic achievement that you can present to the reviewer. Just present one of each accomplishment in order to keep his focus and attention on the prompt requirements. So you have the CCA activity done, which of your academic accomplishments do you think you can present?

Try to pick an academic activity that shows off your ability to accomplish tasks impressively. It could be something as simple as presenting a unique and highly graded academic paper, or even joining a Math and Science Olympiad where in you or your team won a podium slot (1st, 2nd, or 3rd place). Just make sure that it creates an unforgettable impression of yourself as a student or team member.

Graduate / The brief analysis of population change in China---composition of entrance exam for postgraduaion [6]

Beatrix, you really provided a well developed summary report. However, I found some grammatical errors that needed to be addressed. Let me refer you to the necessary edits in your essay:

... some remarkable changes of IN population both in THE urban and rural areas ...

... urban residents over the A twenty years period. In the year of 1990, the number of rural dwellers ...

The urban areas, meanwhile, has experienced an upward trend ...

Several factors THAT WERE responsible for this phenomenon are as follows INCLUDE: Firstly, resulting in m More and more people entering the cities, are the AND increased opportunities for jobs.

... more employment chances they could generate, which inevitably lead to youngsters in the country TO THE CITY to look for decent jobs in the city .

... infrastructure in towns is ARE another contributing factor

... do have much appealsfor ON people. On the other hand, h However, each one of us ...

I am not sure if adding a personal opinion at the end of the summary report is proper. I believe that you should only stick to the information provided as your opinion is not called for in the report you developed. Just stick to the facts and keep your opinions to yourself unless it is clearly required in the prompt.

Undergraduate / Interests led me into Biomechanical Engineering - Common App Essay [7]

Hi Jasmine, I think I can still offer my personal opinion of your essay right? In my opinion, you made a creative declaration of the way that your interest in Biomechanical Engineering developed. I don't think that everyone can refer to Teen Titans as a reference for this. However, you presented such a logical question that I can't find a flaw with your line of reasoning nor your inspiration.I watch Teen titans myself so I could understadn why you would reference Cyborg in particular in terms of Biochemical Engineering. he is truly one of the more interesting and animated characters on the show. I agree that he could actually be the future of robotics and human limb replacement technology.

I believe that all your essay needs at this point is finalizing and I believe that I can help you do that. By the way, I removed the reference to Dr. Who because it doesn't really align itself with the rest of your essay content. I believe that the essay became much better after it was removed. However, if you want to keep that part, then go ahead and do so :-)

Writing Feedback / 7-year period, 9 different countries - Asian Elephants Population 1997/2004 [2]

Hi Muflih, the work that you do in all your essays are consistent. However the mistakes are also consistent. So I will just correct those mistakes for you below. I hope that it can help you learn how to better construct your sentences in the process.

A breakdown of the number of THE Asian Elephant population from 1994 to 2007 as a projected OVER years, a 7-year period is revealed in the graph. Overall, India was the nicest place for elephants to grow up among Asian countries, while China showed THE reverse.

In 1997, the enormous number of population of Asian elephants experienced WAS FOUND in India, a . Almost 10,000 elephants lived in India, while Myanmar saw A POPULATION approximately two times lower than of this . Thailand also shown WAS SEEN as HAVING the third highest of elephants population, even though it was only no more than 4,000. The other countries, SUCH AS CHINA, were not the best place for this species to breed, because they were POPULATION WAS solely less than 3,000 elephants.

... Even though the elephants population in India witnessed a dramatic decrease, . India was still HAD the greatest population among others, with 7,500. Myanmar also felt gradually to 4,800 elephants, while other countries declineD to below 2,800 elephants.

Undergraduate / 'From coding programs in BASIC to playing football': persistence and hard work is the key to success [4]

Hardik, your essay actually presents a very good premise for the obstacle that you faced and no, I am not talking about failing your grade 12 exam. I am talking about the earthquake that shook Nepal. You should revise the essay to center around the earthquake instead. While your quest to pass your grade 12 exam is noble in action, it does not really have the kind of backstory that would compel the reviewer to think of you as a person who can overcome obstacles. Most specially because you failed the test.

However, if you opt to concentrate on the effects of the earthquake on your family, specifically about its effect upon you in a psychological manner, you will be able to better present the obstacle that this event imposed upon you and your family. In the process of the discussion, you can explain how the earthquake helped to bring your family closer, solve a familial discord, or just strengthen your family bonds. The obstacle that you had to overcome does not have to concentrate solely upon you as a person. Devastating events such as natural calamities can also be used to better present a real life obstacle that gave you a learning lesson either in maturity, responsibility, or simply, becoming a caring community member.

Failing your grade 12 exam is not exactly the kind of obstacle that shows you as a person who knows how to successfully get over a hump, be it caused by a natural calamity or not. The fact of the matter is that you failed your test and hence, failed to overcome the obstacle. So the grade 13 exam is definitely not the topic that you want to discuss in this essay. Try to pick an event that posed an obstacle in your life or quest for success which you successfully overcome. Even if it is not related to the disaster caused by the earthquake.