Graduate / sincere coments for Sop ms/phd in computer science [6]

Yes, SOP is statement of purpose, and I think it is always important to make yourself out to be someone who is resolute, determined, and fascinated with the field of choice. I think it is good to be very clear about your intention to pursue a specific field passionately -- even if you are not actually sure yet!

This is messed up, right here:


Here is a fix for it:
How can a computer get to know whether a seat is available between any pair of stations? This question left me perplexed.-----That question leaves me perplexed, too! I don't understand! :-)

Grammar, Usage / Do I need to cite the Bible? [8]

Sarah, you get the award for Best Username of the Week.

You win some important advice about google: You can always find this sort of info on google ehow.com/how_4425923_cite-bible-mla-style.html

I think it looks really impressive when one cites the Bible. I don't know why I feel that way. Ha ha...

Undergraduate / Emerson supplement short answer life title [3]

In order to support the "to be continued" theme, you should revise with a focus on resilience, perseverance. Your bad experience of losing the house and all your stuff to a fire, and then having some successes in school -- this is a good example of perseverance.

I really like your idea of describing life with this phrase, to be continued. Very cool.

Essays / Influential Black Person (a local essay contest) [11]

That is some excellent discussion Eric. You are really going to be contributing well in whatever field you enter with your history major. Maybe you should plan on political science, actually. You can be a teacher as a politician, as long as you don't care at all about fame or money. You might be a perfect fit, actually, for a double major in history and pol. sci.!! You have a good name for politics.

Scholarship / a surfeit of mortgages - BU Scholarship Essay [4]

Ah!! It will be better if you take a side, or say something assertive in that first paragraph! Don't dodge the question! Ha ha.

Instead, you say, well, each side has its own point of view, and then you change the subject and start talking about Myanmar! That is just like what slick politicians do to dodge difficult questions, ha ha.

In this kind of situation, neither side can should be burdened with all the blame.

I think what really happened was that some people at the top arranged to get rich and then let the system collapse. I think it has to do with predatory lending, definitely, though. I mean, that is something you can really say with certainty. It is better to take a stand! If you just remain neutral, it is not very impressive. Read a few articles and see which arguments seem strongest! Cite the articles.

Writing Feedback / Toefl"A person you know is planning to move to your town. What do you think.. [2]

The beginning is great! It is actually quite interesting at the start, because I think it is intriguing that you are considering what she will like and dislike. It shows that you are thoughtful.

I was very excited to learn that one of my childhood friends is planning to move to my city, Indore.

This has to be one sentence, not two:
Being a career oriented in nature. My friend would prefer to live here.
Being a career oriented in nature, my friend would prefer to live here.

It is just like if I said this:
Working as tutor for EssayForum, Kevin spends a lot of time at the computer.
It is a very nice way to structure a sentence, but you have to use a comma:
Being a meditation practitioner with many years of experience, Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming is able to go very deep into the moment.

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


That is great! I really never thought of it that way, but it's true. Stephen Colbert has "voice" in his book, for example, because everything he writes is consistent with that character he plays.

So, voice is different from good use of imagery, different from style. It's some kind of disposition that shines through in the writing. Ha ha, I think my writer's voice must be "nerd."

Faisal, yes, I think that is why the metaphor "voice" is used, when clearly no "voice" is involved in reading or writing. It's something I have not thought about enough...

Undergraduate / "Diversity through Music" - Rutgers Diversity Prompt [6]

Yeah, isn't it weird how our writing looks different the next day? Well, as you revise, focus on not just telling about the experiences but USING the experiences to SHOW what you have to contribute.

In order to make that change, think of some good examples of how people contribute to diverse environments. One example is being an organizer of people. Another example is being someone who is passionate about TEACHING guitar and LEARNING a little bit of every language (for example). Use this story about your experience for a higher purpose -- the purpose of showing what you will contribute.

Essays / Compare and Contrast--Students that pay their own tuition vs. those who do not [5]

My way is to read a few articles about research findings, and then points 1, 2, and 3 will be based on whatever the articles happened to say. It makes it so easy!!!!!

Undergraduate / "my grandpa's journey" - significant experience, my college admission essay [4]

The process of coping wit h his death has taught me a lot. It made me understood the reality of this world and taught me how to appreciate what is in front of us -- because once its gone, it will be too late. regret .

You can't say "too late to regret."

The loss of a love one enabled me to see ...

Undergraduate / "passionate abut studying" - University of Rochester Supplement (common app) [9]

(start with a sentence that SHOWS that you are passionate about studying). Then continue... and I'm sure to bring that passion for academics to the University of Rochester.

What would be a good sentence that tells the reader something about how you study that shows you to be very motivated about it. A sentence about a strict routine you follow, maybe?

Undergraduate / UWM personal statement 1 - culturally enriching [4]


Okay, I see that an important point you are making is that you harmonize well with diverse people. That is relevant, but it is not brilliant. I wish your first paragraph could end with your deepest insight into overcoming differences and blending cultures. THIS IS THE MOST important sentence of the essay: the last sentence of the first paragraph.

eighteen instead of 18

Oh, look! The ending is very vague and weak, too! So, you should add one precious theme, one idea you cherish -- and add that idea at the end of the first paragraph and the beginning of the last paragraph.

I like your use of the Ghandi quote near the end.

Writing Feedback / Experience is the best teacher; influential person - Preparing for the Clep exam [4]

That first sentence up at the top is a little rough:
The statement, "experience is the best teacher," is valuable, but when it comes to building a career, a focus on experience should not override one's focus on education.

How about that?

I also wanted to mention that in modern education, more and more, teachers are working to provide "authentic" learning, which involves real experiences. Some schools bring kids to participate in all kinds of community work -- so maybe you want to talk about that fact: the fact that education and experience can be one and the same.

Undergraduate / 'math tutoring program' Activity Essay for the Common app [5]

Student tutors were only selected from the senior AP Calculus classes. Being a fervent fan of mathematics, I was honored to become a member of the tutor team. Although most tutors only volunteered one to two hours each week, I was one of the two fanatics who devoted one hour time each day to assist the underclassmen.

You are great for doing that. Hmmmm maybe you belong here as a virtual world tutor part time!!!!!

Graduate / Personal Statement - MFA in Digital Media/Teaching Credential [4]

Yeah, i don't think I've ever been compelled to tell someone, yes! send it in!

But something about this essay seems just right. Your topic sentences at the start of each paragraph are nicely varied, very pleasing to the reader. And it includes weird details like the word Sharpie, which we do not often see. I think this essay has good energy!

Research Papers / reasearch topic on human resource management [7]

Julia, don't forget about that rule..."No pasting content in from other websites." It's very strict. I replaced your wiki excerpt with a link. Thanks for the great feedback you provided.

I think Julia said it all... google around for research topics. If you are going to write it, you need to be interested in HRM topics! Is this your course of study? Go to google scholar and read 5 research articles written by other people, and see where YOUR interests lie.

The way to find a research topic is to look at what others are doing in the field and see what is missing from the body of knowledge.

Undergraduate / 'Volunteering at the hospital, pediatrician' - UC Personal Statement: community [2]

Going to school and interacting with friends does not really set you apart from anyone! Yes, you need that narrative hook.

I think you should talk about "one" instead of "you" for example: When one serves the community...she or he..

That first para has a sentence that starts with going, and oe that starts with taking, and later you start a sentence with "moving." This is a good form for a sentence, but not if you overuse it. In that first para, consider changing the sentence that starts with Taking the bus...

Add a thesis sentence to the end of that first para. It should answer the prompt clearly in a single sentence, stating just exactly what this world has shaped you into! :-)

Undergraduate / Dickinson college supplement-globally engaged citizen leaders [4]

My men may sound bad.., My people is not much better. If you say "my colleagues" or something like that, it will show respect and humility.

Being a UN peace messenger is about the most globally engaged thing you can do! You should write al about that, and show what you know. Name names, and give examples of UN heroes demonstrating being actually engaged -- not just in favor -- of alleviating suffering.

Show, don't tell... that's a rule for writing. So, show them that you are the most globally engaged candidate they've got! :-) Elaborate on that plan for your future, and show how it is necessary and appropriate for you to go to this school to prepare.

Undergraduate / Crack! I was down! ; COMMON APP/ Significant Experience [4]

Crack! I was down. A million different thoughts spun in my head.

That is just an idea I had...

At the end of the first essay, you say "morally tested"... but that does not seem quite right.
Maybe the conclusion is overly dramatic, too. I wonder if you could make it less dramatic and more insightful -- like, mention an insight that you got during this experience. What is the part of yourself that you nver knew until now, and what does it have to do with your career goals, etc?

That second essay has a bad part in the middle where you express relief that they were "just like us." Can you see how it might be bad to say you were relieved to see that they were just like you? It is better to say you connected with them instantly and felt comfortable, despite differences.

Undergraduate / "Seek, seek"-common application short answer( elaborate on one of your activity) [4]

Maybe you can think of something creative to do with seek, seek, seek. Seeking scholarly sources, web resources, and new members for the organization...

ah, I don't know, I got nothing...

:-) Please lets see anything new you com up with in revision. What do you think about the ideas presented here?

Essays / Management essay on sporting organisations [4]

Great topic! It will help if you look at the organization in comparison with some other kind of organization. It will help you to see differences, like when one has centralized management but the other uses delegation to empower individual managers in different places... you'll know how to do it, also, if you look at a similar paper online. For example, google around for an "analysis of organizational structure"

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Recent story that affected me the most was Pig Flu [4]

Are you able to learn from the changes?

I feel terrified.
I feel satisfied.
I feel tired.

It is a way to turn a verb into an adjective: If something is terrifying, it makes me feel terrified.

Also:
There are many...
there are some...
There are few...
but use "is" if it is only one:
There is one...
There is the...
There is my jacket...
There is a...

Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 An important experience. Roller Coaster [12]

Mustafa, you are so mean! Ha ha, and even though my first impulse is that it is not good to have you discouraging people, I think a cruel critic is an important part of discourse. I like the show called House M.D. .... you are like him, a mean genius.

Jennifer is tough enough to deal with you, though, ha ha,


Jennifer, you have to admit that his discussion of your content is very thoughtful... not thoughtful like "kind," but thoughtful like he put a lot of thought into the discussion. There's an expression: "experts criticize." That must be because we want to show that we are experts; we want to criticize instead of giving praise, because praise doesn't make us superior!

I agree about that idea of killing adverbs.

About the essay, I think it is too much narrative and not enough explanation. Remember the real trick is to affect the conclusion the reader comes to about you -- that means you should give a brilliant introduction to the narrative and then some Maury Povich Final Thoughts at the end. That is, frame the story within the profound insights you provide -- the moral of the story .

Undergraduate / The important thing for my campus community to learn about my country- Sewanne U [5]

Moreover, Myanmar won independence in 1948 while its people were not mature enough to sustain independence, and this unpreparedness led to the civil war which killed cost thousands of people their lives.

I see that you are telling the reader how the events showed something about democracy and economics... So, the essay says important things about the processes that took place in Myanmar. Now, I think you can end it with a really solid conclusion paragraph.

You can make the essay more meaningful by reflecting more on the implications of these truths -- implications that are important for leaders to understand.

you can make this more powerful by making an urgent plea that specific action should be taken -- recommend the best way to help the people of Myanmar.

Undergraduate / Dreaded by walking into that class; it felt like I was walking into a class - Influential Teacher [5]

In the first paragraph, I think you should get rid of all the details and just keep the main point.

the reader does not need to know his name or even that it was your sophomore year. They don't need to know he is a sniper, (although that is a weirdly interesting detail that maybe you should keep!)

Don't say you sat in the back of the room.

I absolutely dreaded walking into that class, it felt like I was walking into a prison never again to see the light of day. These were the emotions racing through my mind when I walked into the first class meeting of my Biology Honors class. Mr. Orlando, The instructor was the most intimidating teacher I had seen in my entire life; he had the physique of a bodybuilder, and I heard rumors that he had worked as a sniper for SWAT. However, to my astonishment once... (and conclude the first para with a sentence that clearly answers the prompt question. What specific work do you want to do as a biologist.)

I scratched out a lot of detail! Remember to stick to your purpose. Your purpose here is to impress the reader with your writing and your passion about a particular field.

Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]

Awesome, and it is about blue skies... ha ha, you are consistent. I see on your profile page that you skydive... that is scary!


I think it actually is not correct to start a sentence with "There is..." I don't know the rule, exactly, but I think it is considered bad form.

The skydiver leaves no trail...

or

No trail appears behind...

For this one, how about a metaphor at the end instead of beauty:
I remember every word for I have passed through that beauty (something different).

It would be nice if the last sentence and first sentence of the first para referred to the same thing... either "the skydiver" or "I."

Do you know what I mean? Maybe that paragraph should be about either the skydiver or "I" but not both. I only suggest a small change. Don't mess with the soul of that good intro paragraph!

Undergraduate / My passion for knowledge has been nurtured fiercely since infancy, magnifying every passing moment [10]

Whenever someone tells you about a conflict, and they tell you the other person used them as a punching bag, you have to think to yourself, "Well, this is only one side of the story."

The admissions person who reads this is probable the mom of a teenager, and she probably will identify more with the mother in the situation, because right now she has no reason to think you have more credibility than your mother.

I think the thing to do is change the first paragraph to talk about demons that have come between you and her -- rather than putting the blame on her. If you set about healing your relationship with her, it is good to use that strategy again... I talk about "relationship demons" with my loved ones. Instead of implying blame, reference the demon that you both must fight together.

At the end, spend a few moments talking about something scholarly! This needs more material added to the part about "the person you have become." That is the part where you show them that you are determined to succeed in college.

All the stuff about conflict would be great if you said you were going to enter the field of social work or some kind of counseling, and perhaps major in that in college. BUT if that is not the case, condense the stuff about the drama and conflict and just use it to illustrate an insightful point... but keep your focus on the "person you have become." :-)

Graduate / Admissions essay for masters in chemical engineering [10]

Very nice writing here! How about this:
...closely followed diverse interests, such as...

Instead of closely, how about... exactingly pursued, diverse interests, such as...

That is a nice sentence.

Oh, I see what linmark means about the organization. It will help if you add a sentence to the end of the first pars to "support" all these ideas. In that intro, tell the reader the main ideas you will cover. List them in a sentence.

I think a very impressive part is when you talk about your future career near the end. Can you include some more specific ideas about your intentions -- work you would like to do, resources you will use in college, articles you are reading lately...

:-) That is what I think... hit them harder with evidence of being involved in the field already -- and support these many ideas with a proper introduction.

Writing Feedback / Essay on events that have changed Australia's multicultural society - feedback. [3]

Looking good. If you get inspired, maybe you will come up with a more intriguing first line. This is good, clear, expository writing. Are you required to cite sources, though? Maybe you should put the name of the author in parentheses at the end of sentences that state facts about it (Hacker).

Now consider your purpose as you continue. Is the purpose to make people understand the SMS? If so, great! Be a good teacher, leaving them with something to think about...

Writing Feedback / International Studies Paper on the effects of war....... [2]

How true and terrible that Twain quote is!

Hey, I don't understand that last sentence of the first para. Can you revise that and help me understand the meaning?

Oh, now I see! Put the authors' names in that sentence, and make sure to use italics for the title.

Now... this essay is about those two works, so in the intro and conclusion you cannot just reflect on war in general. You have to say something about the common significance of those two books.

OR... if this has to be about war and those books are only referenced to support the discussion about war, then you should not introduce those books at the end of the first para. the end of the first para is an important part of the essay. It tells the main idea.

I hope that helps!!! :-)

Writing Feedback / my art essay, parthenon vs pantheon [6]


Well, you write better than many native English speakers with whom I went to high school and college!

Take the word innovative out of that first paragraph. Only people can be innovative. Structures are innovations, and people are innovative.

At the end of your first para is a thesis sentence: Each temple is a good example of Greek and Roman architecture respectively. can you lengthen this sentence to tell "why" they are good examples? that will give more definition to the whole essay.

Great job!!! You can probably help ELL students better than I can. I have lots of respect for bilingual people.

Undergraduate / How will the realization of your dreams create a lasting imprint on society? [9]


I think it will be beter without the word physical.

The most alluring aspect of neuroplasticity is not its focus not on salvaging a broken body, but its...

The (derivation) how about a different word here... of this desire lies in the revolutionary idea (not an idea, it is well-known fact. Fascinating, too) that the brain is malleable, not a fixed structure thatthat cannot be mended.

Sorry about the essays being merged. It is probably because of some similar content. we have to keep all related essays, or revisions of them, in the same thread.

BTW you are a great writer! I am impressed by your reflection on the body and mind. Where do our thoughts come from, you asked? Some people believe that the brain produces them, but I tend to think the brain simply reflects them as they occur in a way that does not depend on the physical structures of the body. They come from the same nonlocal intelligence that is behind the organization of elements into the shape of a body!

For you, I recommend Unconditional Life by Chopra.

:-)

Undergraduate / East meets West UC Prompt #2 [3]

They contradict one another... that is a good observation. Can you also include a paragraph that gives the opposite point of view? Experiences that showed you our similarities?

Tell about an exprience of helping others transcend cultural barriers... got any experiences like that?

ry to write about an experience that helped to shape you into an aspiring neurosurgeon, or an aspiring teacher, or whatever it is that describes the person you are today.

but make sure the person you are today is a person that absolutely must be admitted into this school... a person with strong motivation.

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Yes, but Awesomeness did not use her/his real name when creating an account! So, the thing to do is start a new account with your full name, and then it will appear next to every essay you post.

If I ever heard about a student being penalized for participating in a scholarly forum, I'd be very interested in talking to the misguided administrator behind it.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY " Shools should ask students to evaluate their teachers" [13]

Whatever happens , I believe that asking students to evaluate their teachers is very bad. It will harm the whole system of education.

What about adult students in college? Can we evaluate our teachers? I don't know if I agree with you! Evaluation is just part of communication. :-) As a teacher, I would like to hear my students' evaluations of me and engage them in discussion about it. It can help all of us. The important thing is for students to learn to evaluate in a professional, respectful way.

Undergraduate / "the person i am today" rutgers diversity prompt [3]

Don't switch verb tense: My weekend consisted of going to...

this is supposed to be about how you will promote diversity, enjoy it, and benefit by it. Read about diversity on the internet... google it.

I challenge you to make at least 2 of these paragraphs end with a sentence about how diversity is involved in what you are saying.

Undergraduate / I loved fighting; Personal statement for University of Arizona [4]

I have to warn you... the admissions people might be prejudice against you if you include MMA and the love of fighting. It is better to express a love for the martial arts. I argue that getting involved in MMA is immoral, because the young adults you fight are not old enough to realize that a spinal cord is too precious to risk. Even if you disagree with me, you have to consider the possibility that the admissions person won't!

The fact that something is common or legal does not make it moral...

Undergraduate / "I have always contributed something" - Rutgers admission essay [9]

Is this under the 3800 characters they allow? It seems long.

I love every paragraph. You write well, think deep, and... it just really does a good job of making the reader know you and like you. But make sure it is not too long! Shorter is always better if you shorten by saying it all in fewer words. Try revising for conciseness and rhythm.

Really, though, it is looking good.

Writing Feedback / An Indian milieu [12]

I am probably interpreting the symbolism in a slightly different way than I am supposed to, but... I think it is significant that the natural tendency is to keep growing up toward the sun. When enough time passes, everything will decompose and grow up to the sun.

Making distinctions reduces flexibility; without identity, there is nothing to oppress. No self, no problem. that is what I think while reading this. Maybe I am confused, though!

Writing Feedback / Toefl- Do you think it is good for teenagers to work while schooling? [3]


Good corrections! But, you are wrong to think they can be corrected by reading aloud. People learning English need to have the rules explained. In this case, it is the way verbs change based the situation:

They provide...
It provides...
We provide
She provides

You add an s if it is one person, but if it is "we" or "they" (plural), it has no s!!! That must be hard to learn, but you can do it.

They divert
We divert
She diverts
It diverts

That is the correct way.

It diverts their mind from studies and would takes away the childhood phase from their life.-----> I made them match each other: It diverts and takes...

Did I explain that rule in a way you can understand?