Writing Feedback / Essay about Aspects of city living - feedback [3]

Nowadays, everybody is moving to live in the cities because of the facilities that they find it there.

But as the population in the city increases the consumption of cars, factories, raw materials and other are increased too.

Very good! I Tried to learn Spanish, but I could never write as well as this...

Although we face large numbers of problems , we have several solutions that help us to control the problems. Start with The first solution is to increase the number of police and their deployment in different places of the city and make adequate efforts by the authorities to reduce crime and the spread of anarchy.in Spanish as you write in English!

Or you can write:
Start with the first solution, we can increase the number ...

Undergraduate / "THE NARRATOR?" - UC Prompts #1 [16]

One of the most obnoxious facial problems that teenagers face is acne.
Above, you should not call it obnoxious, because obnoxious often refers to people... instead, consider calling it... I don't know. Unpleasant? Upsetting?

Look at this:
With friends, I felt like an outsider whenever they asked me to go to movies or to hang out; I would always say no , because I did not want people looking at me and thinking I did not wash my face.

I believe that I must acquire more knowledge about our skin before I can actually help others ; thus I hope to pursue my career in dermatology.

I look back at the times I gave up, deeply regretting them every second I remember them and swearing I will never to stop chasing after what I want.

Writing Feedback / ( career preparation / job opportunities ) Why people attend college or university? [7]

Some students go into undergraduate courses for career preparation or to be competitive when looking for a job. Others go to college as graduate students, to enhance their knowledge in certain area, or to and some people go to college just taking take advantage of an opportunity for a career change.

So much better!!

Undergraduate / Essay on my Research Activity -- Yarsagumba [5]

Yes, but maybe tonight you will think of something that is not so general... some thought that you want to linger in their minds after they finish the essay. I think this should be a thought that pertains to your goals with this program you are entering.

At the end fo the essay, mention some kind of connection to this specific program... and it will be especially good if you name a specific prof or specific program at the school to which you're applying.

Letters / Don't expel my classmates - letter to the principal (practice) [6]

Yes, that is beter. I like sentences with no comma! They are swift and forthright.

Speeches / impulsive shopper cause and effect [5]

I don't know... I googled it and found this writing.colostate.edu/guides/speaking/infomod/pop8d.cfm

Could that be what it is? Establishing your qualifications as the speaker. Is there a particular text book you are using?

Writing Feedback / "Why people love watching action movies" Formal Essay [3]

Action movies, as the name implies, are filled with action, spectacle, and enthusiasm. Audiences tend to sit on the edges of their seats when...

Other than thrills and excitement that action movies bring to viewers, it also introduces us heroes that we can glorify.

You should probably write: In addition to providing thrills and excitement, action movies also introduces us to heroes that we can glorify.

When we movie watchers pay ten dollars to see an action-packed movie, our expectation is the same as it would be if we were going on a roller coaster ride.

Not as bad as you think!! Lots of people have more errors than that.

Poetry / Sonnets: Love & Hate (Italian and English) [4]

This is a great metaphor.. the first one, hatred and darkness abscure vision, but love blinds. Very smart...

Good God! Love is (such a?? something different?) spell that binds.

Perhaps both love and hate exist with time...

Awesome...

Essays / Should Corruption be accepted in a certain stage of development? [3]

what is corruption
why corruption happens
how corruption affects
what are the effects
why some people think that ...

What kind of corruption? Modern day political corruption? These are a lot of questions to answer. You should investigate certain trends... or look for patterns. Are there certain "kinds" of corruption? Take a stand for a particularly interesting perspective! Or... investigate corruption in a certain place at a certain time in history.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that criminals should be given longer terms in prison, to reduce the crime rate [2]

You wrote: the state still as to...

Some of them who had been dependent on one hard drug when they arrived became dependent on several by the time they were released .

It not cost-effective for the government or state; it is no wonder there is a drive, the world over, towards harm minimization.

I don't know how to grade it! However, you do not have many errors! Only the ones above, that I corrected. The rest is correct English. Is that what you wanted to know?

Grammar, Usage / i need help with writing depth. [3]

... but he would only accept them for marks if they were quite a bit better.

Adding depth means you go a step further than just telling about the stuff. After you write about cultural differences between Latin American families and other cultural groups, for example, you have to dig deeper at the end of each paragraph. Well, not every paragraph, but a lot of them.

Each para should represent a single thought. That thought is worth explaining with a few sentences. The conclusion sentence of each paragraph can reflect on the point being made... it can challange the point you just made, consider alternatives, speculate about explanations... you can rant about it thoughtfully, as if you were interested in the subject. :-)

And write a few paragraphs where you compare the different ideas to one another. What do all these ideas mean together? Mix them up.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Law School Admissions-Why I want to go to law school [10]


Thank you for bringing some happiness to my work day. Ha ha, I often try to help people come up with good narrative hooks... but never one as good as this.

Hyphenate pig-worshiping.

Hahahahhaahaha...

This ends kind of abruptly.

Undergraduate / If today was my last day - Common App Essay [20]

I don't think you should use the work "reckon." I think it is not really used in modern times.

If today was my last day, I would indeed be throwing it away by spending it to write this essay to a person who I'll never meet, to whom this essay might be just another cliche piece of writing to put on the R(ejected) pile. But I presume, life is more than successes or failures; it is a given adventure that one could only live once. So I ask myself: How would I live it?

I scratched out the part where you plant that suggestion about the Reject pile. Don't talk about it. They might feel manipulated, like they don't want to let your sly reference to the admission/rejection process to have brainwashed them in some way... it is just... better to keep that sentence short. It is a smart, excellent observation! I agree that it would be a waste of a day to spend it writing this essay, ha ha.

Scholarship / "Life is always full of T-junctions" - A scholarship essay: personal statement [4]

...living as alternatives to farming. The number of abandoned fields are increasing, year after year . This scene creates pain in my heart.

Life is always full of T-junctions at which we have to make a consequential decision about direction.

You write very well! Some people write about this and call it a crossroads instead of a t-junction. I like your way! I think you should mention t-junction at the start of the essay, so that the reader sees it at the beginning AND at the end.

Undergraduate / making a difference via coaching soccer - 150 words [12]

Really?! Eric, thanks for explaining that to me about the absence of serial comma in UK English. I didn't know about that.

Undergraduate / I enjoyed figuring out how things work; Carnegie Mellon / Why choose CMU? [7]

Great help by kd here, it's hard to follow. Here is a sentence to work with:
I researched colleges with this in mind and came across a multitude of average colleges where I could learn about them enough to get a job enroll in the necessary classes, but these colleges did not have the opportunities or the resources that I desired.

Maybe that is better?

Oh! For this essay, I definitely recomend trying the last paragraph as the intro. It is powerful. The powerful stuff needs to be at the beginning!!

Undergraduate / One Trip that Concluded My Search -UC Transfer Essay [3]

This is great! Too often, marketing is seen as superficial -- manipulative, but in the bigger picture, it is a meaningful act that stirs the pot of commerce. I like your writing style and your ideas...

I think you should write two instead of 2. twenty-four instead of 24.

The first sentence is strange... I think you should rewrite the intro. I don't believe that she knew she would be a doctor at age 2.

:-))

Research Papers / Question about page length of paper (Women and Gender Studies class) [4]

Great question! The sources you consult are the firewood you burn to get your pages. Well, maybe that is a bad metaphor, but the point is that you could write 100 pages if you had 100 sources. For every source you consult, you can write another page. Write about each source in any way you want... agree, disgree, explain why it is not directly relevant... anything you want!

But you need to gather some more firewood. I can write a thousand pages if I have neough sources. And for every source, you will be able to write at least a paragraph or two... probably not a whole page, usually. Consult a database. You can finish it up in 5 hours!

Graduate / 'Do not lean on your own past successes' - LSE application (business, economics) [8]

This is excellent, and I think is responds well to the essay prompt. You seem very serious and motivated. I am glad I was able to find some mistakes to correct:

My personal interests are very diverse, and I have found myself constantly involved in extra-curricular activities. I am passionate about two things. The first is playing the piano, which gives me a sense of calmness and allows me to clear my mind.

This sentence had no verb:
Secondly, I am passionate about sports, whether it is swimming through school or kickball through college, or just enjoying a casual jog.

Consider switching to the active voice: I show my determination to learn by never g iving up on understanding concepts. This, at first, was a little demanding, but I believe that everything I am learning will serve as a strong foundation for me to build upon in the future.

Economics and finance have now become a part of my everyday life, and I am always trying to expand my knowledge base.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay For children it is better to grow at the country side or in th city [3]

However in my opinion, a city would be the best place for the growth of a child.

Your English is almost perfect! What are you worried about? You will do well.

I still see a few little mistakes, like this:
Also, big cities have various facilities to make...
or you can write:
Also, a big city has various facilities to make

This is an interesting argument! I think most people would say the country is better. I want to tell you that "growing up" is what the kids do, but "raising children" is what parents do, so:

In conclusion, I must say that the children can be raised better in the cities because

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

I think Yacine is looking for ideas about what to do the case study on.

If you follow susan's advice, you'll see what case studies have been done in HRM (there are a lot!!) and you can choose an area you are interested in. How about some case studies of companies going international? You can do case studies of companies that displace laborwers and offshore the positions. The idea, though, is to have a theme, something that interests you in the company. And then you analyze the heck out of it.

Do a case study of the HR department of some company that was involved in a scandal!

Writing Feedback / "Can TV teach people?" - Give band to my IELTS essay [5]

Luke and west, thanks for helping here!

TV channels like National Geographic, Discovery and The Animal Planet are ones that are full of information and knowledge. -----> This sentence is good!

This one is not quite right:
They frequently show programs that contain an amount of information that is the equivalent information that would be produced by several weeks spent in a library.

"Equivilent" is a difficult word to use!

I don't know about the band, sorry!

Undergraduate / The dreaded "tell us about yourself" question.... [4]

Right here you switch verb tense in a way that messes it up a little:
The bookcase itself is not much.
It should be "was" because the rest of this is past tense...

Hey, how about those goals you are supposed to write about? Can you work in some discussion of specific research interests, specific places you want to work, specific professors you want to meet at this school... etc.?

Writing Feedback / the change in the life is good or not? discuss both sides and give your views. [3]

Yes, but you should also discuss the issues raised by other people who help.
Bilal caught some important ones above.

Some people consider that having a good life... this is not quite right. It should be: Some people believe that having a good life...

A way to use consider is this: Some people consider a good life to be one in which...

I hope that makes sense...

Also:

...lives have been changing faster than ever before.

Undergraduate / "Morocco, 2000." - UC System, help for a confused British applicant? [9]

It really is a very good essay. I want to say all kinds of positive things, but you'll probably appreciate it if I tell you the thing that I think will help most: experiment with killing adverbs and adjectives.

You are already a good writer, and I am not good enough to make sugestions for you, but this is something I have a strong feeling about for you. For example:

Hands pressed forcefully against the thick glass, I noticed the shameful tears pool and spill onto my lap.

Or:

Hands pressed forcefully against the thick glass, I noticed the shameful tears pool and spill onto my lap.

Often, it is stronger without the modifiers! It feels different.

Undergraduate / "those seeking a new life come forth the Lord" -personal statement. an exprience [6]

An experience that has impacted and crafted my life in the most divine way would be took place when I was sixteen years old . I attended an alter call as one of my church's avid church-going youth.

Yes, you do a lot of switching verb tenses. I think you should switch it all to the present tense like this:
I see a bright light, first as a spot, then as a beautiful, white luminescent light that expands until it fills my closed eyes. It envelopes my body, It bathed me in a sense of incredible love and absolute peace.

Writing Feedback / Lunar New Year in Vietnam - essay [2]

thinh, thanks for getting the first half! I'll do some more of it:

This is supposed to be LAST YEAR, so the verbs have to be in the past tense:

In the last day of the previous year, people become more excited as they felt that the New Year was very near to them. Everybody all waited for the sacred moment when the clock points 0 am and fireworks light up everywhere to wish for health, lucks and happiness in the next year. Streets were extremely crowded.

But now you can switch to the present tense:

On contrary, in the first morning of this year, everything seems peaceful and quiet as people want to sleep longer... That is such a nice paragraph! It sounds like you are writing it on that first morning of the year, because your verbs are in the present tense.

Do you know what I mean about the verbs? They are the hard part of learning a language...

Undergraduate / Helpful suggestions needed for essay- Carpe Diem [14]

I noticed something, though...

They are focused on this "evaluation" thing. To me, that refers to conclusion/transition sentences at the end of paragraphs. Each para should start with a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the para, and it should end with a sentence that OBVIOUSLY is analytical... so that the person reading the essay will say, oh, she sure is "evaluating" this!

So... use your conclusion sentences to challenge your own ideas, consider alternative explanations, and stuff like that.

Graduate / Tell us something about yourself - Essay [9]

You have to post it here to get my feedback! But I understand if it is something you do not want the world to see. However, it is alright to be close friends with the world, sometimes.

Undergraduate / 'Grandpa no longer with me' - UC Prompt 1 - Patience, Perseverance, Passion [3]

If I were to generalize my take on life, I can say that it is filled with challenges much as it is filled with joys and opportunities. -----> I think it has to be: If I were to... I would.

Actually, I do not like that first sentence at all! How about something a little more suprising and interesting. "Generalize" is a bad word for a first sentence... it lacks personality!

Juice is a good word for a first sentence. It has personality. But it is hard to find a reason to write about it!! Try being creative and finding better words to start with. I don't like the opening sentences! :)

Also:

I was born and raised in Mumbai, India until the age of eight. I was blessed by being a part of a family which foundationally believed in the principles of love and respect.

Scholarship / Guideline for Motivation Essay writing (graduate admission and scholarship) [3]

I think the most important thing is to write with your PURPOSE in mind. What is your purpose with this essay? I think it is to make sure they accept you.

How do you make sure they accept you? You should affect them psychologically. I think the way to do it is to focus on presenting yourself as the most passionate, fascinated student who has ever applied to their school. I do not think you need to tell everything in a chronological order; rather, tell about the aspects of your background that show how consistent you have been in your interest.

You have to make them feel like you are a student who MUST enroll in their program because your specific goals are so consistent with its specific programs and resources.

If you have that as your purpose, your writing will be compelling.

Writing Feedback / Cable ship visit report -- ASEAN Explorer return from the Indian Ocean [6]

This really is very impressive. I googled it, because I thought you must have copied it from a text book! Sorry I doubted you.

What about this:
It always outfits with the...
Should it be:
It is always outfitted with...
I don't know the right way to use that word...

Anyway, this is great!

Undergraduate / 'experience of two people' - Babson Supp Essay - A letter to my roommate. [6]

I hope this letter will actually be delivered to you, and yours to me , since it is so exciting to get to know the person with whom we will spend the next precious four years with one another , don't you think? First, let us say "Congratulations" to each other, (through letters) for now...

Get rid of unnecessary words and phrases:

I have been sitting and staring at the screen for...

Unnecessary words and phrases are like weeds that drain the life from the garden of your essay.

I hope you do not recognize the anxiety in my letter, because I am pretty nervous but as well exciting in finding out about my college life and you - my roommate. -----> If you do not want the nervousness to show, you should not talk about it. What I mean is... if you really did not want the anxiety to be noticeable, you would not write about it... so this part does not seem right.

I've never really been to Babson myself, so, the first thing we could do together is discovering the school and just have a night to chill out after all our hard effort to make it there. I scratched that part out because it is not helpful. Think of what the purpose of this is. The purpose is not to introduce yourself to a roommate; it is to show how serious you are as a student. As you revise this, think of it as an opportunity to show the admisions people how driven, how resolute and determined you are.

Writing Feedback / Animal testing: it's flat out wrong and cruel to the animals involved? [3]

According to absolutist moral philosophy, you might say it is never appropriate to hurt a weaker creature for one's own benefit. However, Utilitarian philosophy seks the greatest good for the greatest number of people, so one would have to weigh the harm against the benefit. Writing in terms of approaches to moral philosophy, like these, might strengthen your essay if you have time to read a little about the different kindf of moral philosophy.

Before I begin, I want to make it clear that I'm absolutely not against animals having rights, and I believe that testing cosmetics on them is in fact morally wrong.

Undergraduate / "Cultural Synthesis" - UC Prompt 1 [9]

I love the title!
Hot dogs, hamburgers, baseball games, fireworks, you name it. It's all a part of the American culture to which my family and I have adapted.

I am lost in the middle, trying to achieve that perfect integration between two very different cultures.

They have entrusted to me an understood obligation to merge my humble heritage...

Great observations, great reflection. I would write a litle more about my goals for the future if I were you, but that is just my opinion. I think you should show how this legacy of responsibility to synthesize cultures leads you to your chosen field.

Undergraduate / "the challenges of life plus my condition" - my pizazz on college apps [6]

...diagnosis with Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (Systemic JRA), I was told that I would never be able to succeed in life as this condition would hold me back to such an extent that I can never function like a normal person.

Did someone actually tell you you could never "succeed?" Maybe that is not the right way to explain this. Maybe you should write that the grim prognosis gave you the impression that you could never succeed... or maybe you should write that people often told you about the many things you would not be able to do. BUT, it does not sound right to say you can "never succeed"

It is awkward to write:
I, to this very day, have had to deal...

Better to write:
I, to this very day, I have had to deal...

or:
To this very day, I have had...

Same with this:
Personally, I am a part of the disabled and have faced...
...because fewer commas makes for straightforward writing.

As for explaining Systemic JRA, I think explaining it is actually not important here. Your purpose is to command respect, show how well you write and how clearly you think, and to show them that you have clearly defined goals rooted in your background. Therefore, I suggest choosing a medical specialty now and writing about your goals... as if your whole life is planned out (even if it is not a solid plan yet).

Undergraduate / "'helicopter' parents", "cleaning the house" - UC personal statements [2]

This does not really work: My world has shaped me into ... what I want to become.

Maybe like this:
My world has shaped me into who I am now and set the direction in which I want to progress.

One characteristic I noticed about most ...

This needs to be reworked:
When I think of my dreams and aspirations I see a long road leading to my dreams and aspirations.

For the first essay, I think it could be more persuasive if you give more discussion about your intentions for the future -- as they have been shaped by this environment.

Now Looking in the trophy case I'm proud to see the accumulation of all my ribbons and medals from my four years in J.R.O.T.C., but the best part is that I'm out of my brother's shadow. And instead of always being referred to and introduced as Kevin's little sister, I am just Kelley.

With both esays, the way to make them stronger is to show more of your clear vision for the future. That is some advice I often give, because admissions people do not want to stand between a student and the fulfillment opf her clear intentions.

Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Looking at an environment in the future... interesting!

I think this definitely is appropriate, and it is beautifully written.

How about trying to make this sentence a little stronger:
There is always A certain smell always (verb) students upon returning to school after summer break...

liveliness or "vitality"...

I think homeschooling is one word.

Undergraduate / My mother escaping communism has shaped my aspirations; UC personal statement 1 [10]

Might be better without "us." ...the power to inform, inspire, and enlighten.

Comma:
Majoring in, studying about, and gaining a Bachelor's Degree in Art History will be personally rewarding , and my degree will enable me to apply for law school in the near future.

This can really benefit from structure that you could provide with clear topic sentences. Para #1 introduces your intentions, and it is great!

para #2 says, I take inspiration from my mom.
para #3 says, I take inspiration from my role as an older sister
para #3 says, my family inspires me

The thing at the end about the crucible is nice.

I think you should give a new topic sentence to each of the 3 body paragraphs. It seems like you are "all over the place," talking about many things instead of one main thing.

How about relating every paragraph to ARTISTIC INSPIRATION that you can use as a student and also as an attorney. In the conclusion, discuss more of your specific goals for the future.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common application, personal statement.about a departures exprience.. [2]

When she was alive, my best friend's mother Aunty May once expressed a wish, while she was alive, that if one day she was dead and that she would be cremated when she died. She wanted to be made up by a familiar person, because she was "shy with strangers".

What do you mean "made up by"...?

Oh, you mean make-up. I think you should specify that in the first paragraph for slow thinkers like me!

she still lay in the cold coffin, but seemed enjoying a deep sleep. englishplus.com/grammar/00000233.htm

I am impressed by your writing and by the accomplishment. Many people could not do what you did! You are strong. I wonder if this kind of strength is related to your career goals somehow? The admissions people will really appreciate this excellent story as they work through the hundreds of essays. I know I did!