Undergraduate / Rutgers Admissions Essay about diversity - Ultimate Frisbee [6]

I found myself staring straight up at the brilliant blue sky.----> end up staring up sounds funny.

I could find both people similar to me and people from the other side of the spectrum of life. I could meet people with whom I have much in common and people from the other side of life's spectrum.

That is just an idea I had; your way is okay, too!

Although I have trekked all over the United States and have explored countries like China and France, having the possibility to talk to people at your diverse institution from all over the country and world will be different but enlightening an excellent next step.

Every day is two words. (As one word, it is an adjective meaning daily.)Every day would pose...

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay "Do you like to eat out or eat at home?" [2]

The restaurant serves...
The restaurants serve...

The restaurant opens...
The restaurants open...

You should look at: essayforum.com/writing-3/think-skill-person-order-succeed-modern-world-10049/

...nowadays, with the equipment like the microwave, oven, mixer grinder makes the cooking much easier in less time. In fact, cooking with this equipment is fun.

Equipment is plural already. Do not write equiptments.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay"Technologies has made people learning more quickly and efficiently. [4]

rmli did a fine job on this! It is so nice that rmli spent so much time.

This is okay, too: Previously, students had to search in the libraries or has to get information from the an experienced or knowledgeable person. about any topics.

Oh, I see Vo Thi Ha did a great edit, too. I hope you will all look at the EF_Contributors page. You do great work.

I always recommend making the introduction and conclusions a little longer. They establish the main idea of the essay. They establish your real meaning.

Writing Feedback / fun and entertainment; "Playing games is important for both adults and children" [4]

Look at the advice that I just gave here: https://essayforum.com/writing-3/think-skill-person-order-succeed-modern-world-10049/

You write very well in English, and you do not hae as many errors as that essay.

In this essay, your mistakes are not serious.

You can write: Playing games in a group helps to build up relationships among the group members and also leads to better learning. This is learning of collaborating nature.

You do not even really make many mistakes. Some of your sentences are unclear, but we all write unclear sentences sometimes.

Writing Feedback / Think of a skill that a person should have in order to succeed in modern world. [3]

In my opinion, the most important skill to be successful in today's world is the ability to keep oneself updated in every field.

One of the advantages of keeping oneself updated is that, nobody can misguide you. If a person is aware about the subject, then he can present his view if someone is trying to mislead him.

Excellent! You will do well on the TOEFL

Another important observation is this: knowledge gives a confidence to a person to perform the appropriate action. W

For example, a company manager who is updated about the new marketing skills will be able to make his decision accordingly , and he will be confident about his idea.

For example, If an advertising company makes itself aware about the new methods of attractive launching, then it would make this benefit the most in its advertisement for better impact on the public. Thus it makes him a better competitor in the world.

In conclusion I must say if a person is updated, then with his knowledge makes him confident to take risks and easily adapt and thrive among competition. It also makes him able to think rationally before taking any decision.

You will do well on the test, I think, but remember:
It makes
They make
It does
They do
It goes
They go
It flies
They fly
It falls
They fall

So... "it" is singular, an "they" plural.

Undergraduate / 'holding the title of alchemist, troubadour or even a shaman' - SAIC Artist Statement [6]

I think it might be good to split that long first paragraph into two.

At the end, I think you should be more specific as you talk about your professional goals. How exactly is art related to your professional goals? You write beautifully, and your interests are... interesting! You must be a deep thinking person, but I guess all art students are.

Lets add dimension to this, though, by incorporating more ideas about your professional future... (add it in the second half... I don't want you to mess with the first half, because it is great.)

That is just my idea... not necessarily a good idea. :-)

Undergraduate / University of Wisconsin Statement Essay, overcoming hardships [4]

Awesome! It is impressive that your coach said that about you. You know what this needs? An intro paragraph. It will be SO much better if you answer their question in a straightforward way at the start. So, add a paragraph BEFORE that first paragraph, so that the first para becomes the second para.

In the new first para, list the subjects covered in the essay. For each subject, name the "contribution" that it will enable you to make.

Let's see it!

Essays / Mom & ME Relat.: Using old Essay..possible? [3]

Well, one interesting approach might be to make it so that this long paper you are writing is about the old paper. Let the old paper be one of the subjects of this long paper. You can write about a time when you wrote this paper, and then you can quote pieces of it.

You can use italics to show the old essay. You can make this whole new paper all about how the current you is reflecting on the old view. It can be great. It will be like a close reading of your own work.

However, if it gets complicated, another approach you can take is simpler: Read through the old paper, making improvements everywhere you can, and when you get to the end, keep writing. If you ordinarily use caffeine, this is where to do it. It is better not to use caffeine, though... At the end, go back and add a new intro. A nice intro that introduces the whole thing, whatever it has become.

Undergraduate / Using a jigsaw puzzle to describe my life [4]

Yes, it's hard when they give you a topic like this and challenge you to write about a particular concept. The trick is to write about diversity from the perspective of a professional from your chosen field. So, if you are going to be a psych major, you can write about how a diverse student boy -- which represents many cultures -- can enhance your perspective on human nature and the mind. Seeing life through the lens of another culture can give you new perspectives that help in any field -- politics, medicine, business (especially business!).

If you write about the importance of diversity for someone going into your chosen field, it reinforces how committed you are to your life plan. Most people are not ruthless enough to deny someone admission when that person has a life plan all figured out!

You write beautifully, so enjoy it. Be grateful for your sense of rhythm and form.

Undergraduate / "patience" - I understood the true meaning and the benefits of maintaining it. UVA supplement essay! [7]

One rule for good, powerful writing, is to avoid using the passive voice. That just means instead of writing:

Long days were spent crowded in a single floor with four siblings and my parents.

You write,

I spent long days crowded in a single floor with four siblings and my parents.

Or...

Long days passed as I lived on a crowded single floor with four siblings and my parents.

Wow, that must have been crowded indeed! I like the ending; I like what you did with the concept.

Undergraduate / Describe environment you come from - feedback [5]

When I pass by a certain bulletin board, my eyes...

That might be more intriguing.

Rhythm: I smile to myself , because this rich message has molded my life.

Nice!

...faced the divorce of my parents -- which came with guilt, fear of abandonment, disappointment, frustration, loneliness, and blame.

That quote is a great choice, and you did well with it.

Writing Feedback / Why people are producing more and more rubbish? [4]

...nowadays people consume much more than they used to in the past.

Now, I think you should add one sentence to the intro: a thesis statement.
And add one more sentence to the end: a thought about what it all means for us.

Undergraduate / I did not believe in the existence of dreams ; Commom App [7]

Dreaming is pragmatic! How else are we to imagine up the future!?

Actually, though.. wow... the improvement you made after Mustafa's comment is great!

Accomplishment was all life comprised , I thought.

I did not know what life was until I discovered Alchemist by Ed Woods.

It is just like a bag. What is in the bag is not the problem; the power comes from believing itself.
Santiago gave up his sheep to chase his dream; similarly, I must give up my easy life-plan.

I like this a lot, especially the end.

Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

One more important correction. It's "Factors Affecting the Stock Market"

You can affect the quality of the day, but the "effect" you take is spelled with an e. "Affect" is a verb.

:)

Undergraduate / Common App- Important Person (older sister) [3]

When you write a sentence like this, with the name as an "extra" phrase, you should use commas:
My older sister, Candace, has been my second mother for as long...

In some of my earliest memories, memories of times when I wasn't able to discuss with my parents on a certain issue, I was able to talk to my sister.

Let's omit the cliche and separate the two halves of the compound sentence with a comma:
I have been through many trials, and tribulations and my sister...----> Do you like it that way, without tribulations?

Excellent!! You are a really likable person. Your ending... I don't like it either. The ending should reflect on the main point of the essay. Can you somehow connect your sister's influence with your decision to apply to this school? At the end, write about the main idea of the whole essay!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Greed leads to destruction (welcome for help) [6]

Some greed brings destruction, and some greed brings...

Should people allow themselves to harbor greed or not?

One who owns many possessions has to struggle to protect them, so everyone become their opponent. For instance, one might consider the pearl story...

Because of greed, people had to live far from their house and their family.

You have some mistakes, but not bad ones!! This is impressive... I love your philosophical insights.

Writing Feedback / Reflection - a brief summary of high school life [4]

Move this comma:
As I wander the halls of My High School , I often reflect back on my life and how far I have come.

That is better.

B-wing

...hardly fathom me making it without breaking down mentally, but...

to "look something over" means to examine it, but to overlook something means to accidentally fail to notice it! Funny phrases... After the test I look over my script for my radio show, which is to take place during next block, and...

This is a grat summary of high school. My only other advice is to add a sentence to the end of the 1st paragraph... a sentence that will serve as the thesis sentence.. the main idea of the essay. Then, mention that same idea again in the last paragraph. what is the main idea, the main theme?

Writing Feedback / Cable ship visit report -- ASEAN Explorer return from the Indian Ocean [6]

...to the homeport from the Indian Ocean; while it still...

...the landing position from the cable ship, and then the...

Seldom can a technique improve the ways that we communicate in the way that fiber communication has improved them, and this is bound to an example that can demonstrate well the great importance of engineering.

This is a very difficult topic to write about!! Great job...

Graduate / SOP help for Master Program on Construction Management [9]

Well, it is not all background, not all history, because they ask for "how you might contribute to social or cultural diversity within your chosen field...serve educationally underrepresented segments of society..." So, even though they are asking for personal history, they seem to be interested in other things... they are only human.. maybe this is not as clear as it could be.

I think that, psychologically, the best thing to do is present yourself as someone who is determined to hae the future go a certain way... determination means having a history of reading articles about this field, making big plans to do specific things... so, tell some stories about experiences that sharpened your interest in this field and in helping educationally underrepresented segments of society. Tell the truth, and write beautifully! When inspiration comes, you will know what to write. I can't wait to see it!

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

...should be able to do so without worrying about being denied the rights of the married.

I think you should start a new paragraph with, "A possible solution..."

...they will continue to strengthen the argument supporting their side of the issue of legalizing gay marriage. will continue to strengthen.

You have worked very hard on this!! I hope it is received well. :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: First Work [3]

People who disagree with this assertion point believe that...

The last point I want to mention is that even though...

Great work here... Thanks, everyone, for this great cooperation and generous help.

This essay is structured very clearly!! Even though you are still working to perfect your English, the way you write in English is already impressive!

Writing Feedback / Should higher education be available to all students? [2]

Nowadays, education is socialized largely, so everyone has many opportunities for learning. People discuss whether high education should be available to every student

...for the following two reasons: resources for high education are limited, and the universities are supposed to set high standards for graduate students.

You don't have to capitalize "government" in the last paragraph. :-)

Graduate / China study - Brandeis International Business School--Maief [9]

Yes, I agree with Janson... Janson, I have seen a lot of good contributions you have made; thanks so much!

Actually... "so" does not help:
So A rush of inspiration comes over me when I explore the international opportunities provided by Brandeis International Business School, I feel sure that I would benefit this school by contributing my enthusiasm and positively impacting others as part of this program.

Maybe like that?

Also, I understand what you mean about the present tense... yes! the present tense is more powerful... that is a great insight into writing.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Rewards and Productivity [7]

A dash can work in the same way as commas. When I write, if I have already used a comma -- in this sentence here, for example -- I use some dashes in the same way as I would use more commas. Too many commas make a sentence confusing.

Reducing relative clauses (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relative_clause) can improve clarity -- but it also takes away information. The trick is to give only the necessary information, and give it in a way the reader's attention can easily follow. Don't try to explain too much in one sentence.

I hope that helps you!!

Undergraduate / DICKINSON C SUPPLEMENT (SCIENCES& ARTS) [11]

How about with a question mark:
"You ?" My desk mate whispered...

Maybe ad a comma to help manage this long sentence:
dissecting problems with different perspectives challenges my knowledge and creativity, and it fills me with excitement and pride .

You have an excellent way of writing! Did you grow up speaking English, or did you learn it as a second language? Either way, this is very good writing.

What citation are you talking about... this? Benjamin Rush once wrote, "The French and German languages...They abound with useful books upon all subjects." ("of the Mode of Education Proper in a Republic",1798)----> This citation is good right where it is.

I don't think the essay is too long, but it depends on what the instructions require. You write beautifully. You wrote, "fills me with proud ," so that made me think English might be a second panguage for you; if that is rue, you should indeed be filled with pride, because you write better than many native speakers of English!

Faq, Help / How to post my essay with a graph? [14]

I'm sorry, I guess we don't have the necessary technology!

:-))))

Research Papers / Research paper on death penalty - where to start? [12]

Sounds like it is supposed to be a research paper. You can still have theme, even if it is not a position. You might notice a theme emerging as you read the articles you collect to write this. Start by reading some interesting articles... and simply write about them!

So-and-So writes that the death penalty...

Get a strong collection, and start drawing conclusions.

Grammar, Usage / Having problems with transition with paragraghs [10]

At the start of a paragraph, you might say the main idea. After that, you might give examples or explain it. At the end, you can REFLECT on the IMPLICATIONS, and if you are clever, you can come up with implications that apply to the next paragraph.

Writing Feedback / SAT; Competition let people to be successful? [4]

A contraction is when you use an apostrophe to put words together:

doesn't

Sometimes it is okay to use contractions... I don't know if they are suppose to be use for the SAT.

Graduate / Pls Review "Motivation for Application and Career Goals" essay for NUS [4]

Just as there's no substitute for experience, there's no substitute for the classroom environment. -----> Good observation!

NUS's collaborative culture would enable me to receive...

Cut off what is not useful:
And, this is an area in which I can shine. I'm convinced that My exposure of Working in both a developing country (Malaysia) and an advanced country (England) will help me to understand the sentiments of the various factions of people in society. Moreover , the frequent ...

Last but not least, I look forward to joining the FASS Mentorship Programme (FMP). To me, t The FASS Mentorship Program is a melting pot of ideas as each participant brings his or her unique insight...

Wow FMP is an acronym made with another acronym. How efficient.

Undergraduate / College Admissons Essay (Knowledge and Commitment) - SC prompt [2]

Technically, you are not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition:

I can still remember when learning impacted me the most. In the seventh grade, Mrs. Richmond's biology class was a class in which I could never get bored .

"in" is a preposition, so I changed the order around...

This is good, solid writing! I think you can still improve it by adding some more emotive and image-invoking words...

Perhaps you should say physician instead of "doctor."
I am excited for you!

Graduate / correct this SOP, it's for petroleum field admission; sciences and technologies [3]

Nowadays, science and technology grow rapidly. Many kind of industries are rising to produce the goods for meeting the demand of consumption and variety of types of transportation help people travel more conveniently . These both are examples of activities that consume a lot of energy from oil and gas from petroleum. This is the reason for my decision to study in pursuit of a master degree in the petroleum field.

I would like to take this opportunity to describe my educational background. I have spent my undergraduate years for chemistry at Mahidol University. In this last year, I focus on studying physical-chemistry lecture which are stat. Thermodynamics and special topics in physical chemistry interest me, and I read about scientists conducting the research about an alternative energy in the topic of "Chemical and physical properties of Fe-doped Zinc Oxide nanorods" that is a component of the dye-sensitizesolar cells, more than that, Zinc Oxide nanorods's property is the ability of photodecomposition of toxic compounds.

Excellent!!! It is okay that you have a language barrier... you are so intelligent and knowledgeable!!

Undergraduate / "If I were born in a poor household" - the world you come from, how it shaped you [10]

Here, I'll replace a semi-colon with a dash:

...housewives spend whole afternoons in gyms or SPA canters -- or having a party in small gardens.

I can't approve of that last sentence of your first paragraph. Do not marry a gentleman to make your family proud; instead, make a meaningful contribution in your professional field. The last sentence of your first paragraph often used for the thesis sentence -- the most powerful, important sentence in the essay. It doesn't matter if you never get married, or if the person you marry is a failure at everything. When you write the last sentence of your first paragraph, write about how the world has shaped you into an aspiring __________?

What will you be?

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

If you are going to go into HRM, you must have some interests related to it. The important thing for you to do is use a word search in a database of articles and spend an afternoon reading research articles written by other HRM professionals. See what is happening in the field. One important phenomenon in recent years is managing change and managing diversification, internationalization, and so forth. Much has been written about the way to mitigate problems associated with change.

Try qustia or Google Scholar to see what other scholars are writing. After that, spend some time reading about different kinds of research design. Google: quantitative qualitative research methods.

Undergraduate / (Geography teacher, Physics, United Nations, Learning, Books) Carleton College [2]

Instead of writing geography teacher in parentheses, use it as the subject of your first sentence. My geography teacher...

I think that answer, about the geography teacher, is too general. You should quote something he said ot reflect on a moment when he made you realize something about what you want to do in life.

When you write about the subjects that interest you, it is a good opportunity to sow off what you know. For example, what do you know about the work being done by modern physicists who use particle accelerators? Show that you are so interested that you are already becoming knowledgeable about the field.

Excellent! I like your answers, and I am excited about your future with the UN!! As you keep working on these, focus on showing how focused you are on achieving your goals, and take every opportunity to mention ways that this school, with its specific resources, will help you.

Undergraduate / What is your intended major? Biotech [5]

You have a place in the first paragraph where you switch tenses:
grandfather would go to the backyard to check on his mini crops grown in the backyard.

Also, you need to write "short" meal.

I would help him plant some vegetables and watch them grow during the spring season and before it was winter, the plants were browning and limping. I was fascinated on how fast these plants grow, I wondered if I watered it more, would it have grown faster?

But you know what? I think you should make this the second paragraph instead of the first. It is best if you answer their question directly in the first paragraph.

You do not write enough about biotechnology! I think you shoud write about it at the start, then write only one paragraph about the crops and your grandfather, and then write another paragraph.

What should the new para be about? You should read 3 articles about the most recent work being done by people in this field. Write a paragraph about some very modern research.

I love the conclusion paragraph, you seem so serious and smart! Please write more about biotechnology. Maybe you should mention the names of teachers at this school that you would like to have as your science professors.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate transfer personal statement to UCs: Accounting/finace [3]

I think the expression is "thinking back on" instead of "of"

...feel the irony and relief that numbers, what were once my nightmare , had actually shown me a whole new world and made me who I am today.

Bracing for challenge, I tried hard to conquer the fear of numbers.

I really like the way you grab the reader's attention with "sexy," because grabbing the attention is important! However, can you choose a different word besides sexy? I think some people would find it inappropriate...

Undergraduate / Rutgers Admissions Essay about diversity - Ultimate Frisbee [6]

Great Tony the Tiger reference. I love your username, too!

Your writing style reflects a super interesting personality. Hey, I don't know if it is better to to this or to do i the way you did:

It turned out that a Herculean football player/wrestler had...

Herculean is a good word.

At Rutgers, I would concurrently feel as if I were at home and away in the best way -I could find...

This is so good!! Please check out the EF_Contributor page, and help some other people learn to write like you do!!

Undergraduate / "the youngest of three" - uc personal statement prompt #2 [3]

Ari, these are great corrections; I see that you spent a lot of time, so thank you!

Use a hyphen here:
war-torn

Use commas:
As a child,
A few weeks later,
After much struggle,

Good luck!!!


You already are!!
:-)

Undergraduate / BU admission Supplemental Essay 2010. [7]

Excellent! The opening and conclusion are great, and the quote from Mother Theresa is great, too. You will do well at BU for sure.