Undergraduate / My father has always told me, "The better education you have, the easier life will be." [3]

Jason, it seems to me that this personal essay is more about the quest of your father to give you and your siblings a better life than it is about you. When you write a personal statement, you have to consider it as your first interview with the admissions officer. It is your opportunity to, for the first time, make the kind of impression that you want to with him regarding the kind of person you are. That said, while your family background should figure into the story, the story of your father and his adventure to come to the United States should not take up 90 % of the paper.

The personal statement should instead, introduce you to the reviewer as a person. What do you want him to know about you that you might not be able to present using the other common essay prompts? For example, you can explain that because your father did not have a chance to study in China, you want to do him proud by being the first member of your family to have a college degree. Then explain your choice of major's using the restaurant that your family owns. But delve into a deeper detail that relates more to you and your interest in the course. Maybe mention that you plan on growing the family business in the future.

Talk about your extra curricular interests as well. Develop your well rounded personality within the essay. If you have any special skills or talents, like speaking a specific Chinese language or something, then mention those as well in such a manner that it shows the type of unique person you have become because of your upbringing and interests.

The essay really has the potential to be an excellent first interview, it just has to be less about your father and his wisdom and more about you and who you believe you are and why.

Research Papers / Different aspects of video games, apart from violent content, that affects behavior. [3]

Hi Regino, the violent video game essay is actually a topic that is only growing in content, discussion, and debate instead of lessening as the games improve in terms of story, content, game play, and strategies. So your research is really something that will resonate well with the professor. You are presenting new information in an interesting manner. The manner of your presentation is only hampered, you are right, by the redundancy or repetition of your keywords. When you feel yourself falling into the redundancy trap, you need to research other terms that can take the place of the word you are currently using. For example, violent video games can become either brutal, fierce, forceful, cruel, etc. -- video games. These kinds of words are known as synonyms and can be accessed via a thesaurus. While there are physical forms of a thesaurus book, you can also access such a program for free online. Just Google free thesaurus and you should come up with a complete list of websites that offer those services. Just choose the word that you want to use in place of the original one in your essay from the list given.


-Kindly be specific and indicate that you mean this interaction to be taking place in the virtual world of the video game. Since you mention that interaction occurs during game play at the start, you need to remind the reader about the kind of scenario wherein the interaction takes place.


- Only the online world? Or do you mean both in the virtual and actual world? Try to always be specific in your discussion because the reactions, mindset, and skills that the people develop online more often than not, spills over into the physical world. Since you are discussing the behavior that video games affect, you should always connect the video game world / play with the person's physical world reactions and mindset as affected by his exposure to the virtual world.


- As proven by what study? You are making a claim here so you need to back it up with factual, researched evidence.


- Your essay really tends to falter when it comes to presenting supporting data. Mention some of the studies you are referring to. Indicate the results of those studies in order to support your claims of behavioral change. Try to present percentages or charts whenever possible.


- You cannot simply say "according to studies" since you are basically quoting information from somewhere so you need to provide in-text citations in this case. Remember, in a research essay, every piece of information needs to come with a source otherwise it loses academic credibility, becomes hearsay, and could be considered plagiarism by some professors.

As for the Youtube video quotes, you can do in-text citations for it in this format: author name, website name, film name so it should look something like this:

(alphabest, Youtube, Halo 4)

So the Works Cited page will indicate:

Alphabest. "Halo 4". Online video clip. YouTube. YouTube, 12 Nov. 2015. Web.19 Nov. 2015

Going back to the in-text citation, just summarize the content of the video. You don't have to use the complete text as your professor might consider it word fillers and deduct points from your essay because of it.

As for the discussion about Anonymity, unfortunately, we can't do anything about that because the video games virtual world is based on the fact that anonymity is part of the game. If you want to somehow soften that image, the only way I can see that happening is if you can relate the way anonymity in the video games also affects the real life mindset of these players. That way you have other psychological avenues to consider and discuss which could divert some blame from the secret identity that the online gamers enjoy.

Research Papers / Stop the killing of dogs in shelters [3]

Teresa, are you advocating only the end to Euthanizing dogs? If so, why are you not referring to the "No-Kill" dog shelters that are being advocated by foundations such as the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation? You should work on clarifying the thesis prompt for your essay because you did not introduce the topic for discussion properly. While I understand that this is a rough draft of the final essay, you need to keep in mind that the first thing you have to do is accurately represent the discussion topic and present an overview of the subjects that will be discussed within the essay.

Now, since you are discussing the euthanasia of dogs, you should be concentrating the essay development on the reasons that these shelters would rather euthanize the dogs instead of spending to either retrain, rehabilitate, and place the abandoned dogs in homes as adopted dogs. You should review the topics you are discussing in the essay because you tend to cover too many topics that do not really relate to the immediate discussion of the reasons why euthanizing dogs in shelters should be stopped.

One way that you can better organize the content of the essay, in relation to the discussion's relevance to your essay topic is to use guide questions. Before you outline the content of your essay, try to list down the main points that you want to discuss in the essay. For example, if the topic you want to discuss is to stop the killing of dogs in shelters then the guide questions should be:

1. What is the history of dog euthanasia in shelters?

2. What are the benefits and drawbacks of euthanizing dogs in shelters?

3. If euthanizing dogs is the best option for controlling the stray dog population, why are so many people and animal rights organizations against it?

4. Do dogs in kill shelters always end up euthanized? Or do some of the dogs end up adopted?

5. What is a "No-Kill" shelter?

6. Why do most people and animal rights groups believe that "No-Kill" shelters are the proper option for sheltering stray and unwanted dogs?

7. What are the benefits and drawbacks of a "No-Kill" dog shelter?

8. What is the success rate of rehabilitated dogs being adopted from the "No-Kill" shelters? Do any of these dogs eventually end up in kill shelters?

9. Which of the two types of shelters has more public support and why? Which one do you support?

Those questions should be able to help you revise and properly focus the discussion of your essay. As a dog lover myself, I firmly believe that euthanasia should be stopped and that all abandoned and stray dogs should be admitted to "No-Kill" shelters as well. Look up the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation online. It is a website with a wealth of information that can help you better develop your research. If you have a hard time finding it on Google, just search for Katherine Heigl Dog Shelter and it should be the first thing that pops up in the search list :-)

Graduate / 'disaster preparedness and infectious diseases' - Environmental health at U of M personal statement [6]

Hi, the personal side of your essay is really very interesting. However, it is too long winded in terms of how it represents the development of your interest in public health. Your story is indeed heart wrenching and allows the reviewer to see the kind of world that you came from and how it has affected the person you have become. However, it runs a bit too long.

I see that you have included information in this paper that can be better used in your statement of purpose and other essay prompts for your application. You don't really need to delve so deep into your work experience and CV information in the personal statement. Just present the information that highlights the development of your interest in public health.

The final part of the essay that speak of the professors you look forward to learning from and working with should be placed in your statement of purpose instead of your personal statement. Removing that part from the essay will shorten the essay and make it faster and easier to read. It doesn't really apply as a part of the information provided in a personal statement.

So, edit out the parts that talk about your professional experience and the part about the professors and the essay will come out as better geared towards a personal statement. Right now, you have a combination of a personal statement and statement of purpose. The paper has an identity crisis :-) So you need to give it just one identity and save the other one for a more appropriate time. After you do that, the grammar portion can be fixed as well :-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: international trade, positive or negative development? [2]

Ahmad, when you are asked in an IELTS essay to give an opinion, please make sure that you use the first pronoun "i" when stating it in the introduction statement along with the restated thesis prompt. You need to make your stance clear at the beginning because the essay prompt requires you to discuss your opinion and only your opinion on the matter. So you need to properly identify your stand from the very start.

Your English grammar is confusing to read. You need to practice reading and writing in English in order to develop better sentences. When you have the time, try to do non IELTS related sentence structure exercises to help you improve your English writing skills. Those kinds of exercises can be found everywhere on the internet. Just do a quick search for it. To continue, I was able to understand what it was that you were trying to say in every paragraph by picking out the key or marker words that related directly to the prompt.

Undergraduate / 'College as good as the student who attends it' - Supplementary essay for Hofstra - Why Hofstra? [4]

Rose, there are only 2 aspects of Hofstra that you should be discussing in this essay, the academic and extra curricular. Responding using those two expected topics will not only shorten the essay, but also offer a more subjective response to the prompt. Right now, your essay can be compared to spinning wheels with nowhere to go. It just doesn't deliver an effective response as Masdar said.

Discuss the academic aspects of Hofstra that enticed you to enroll. Relate the response to your chosen major and why Hofstra stood out for you in that aspect. Indicate any mentoring programs or internships that you feel will help you gain the best possible education in the field of your choice. If you have any particular professor at the university whose class you are interested in taking, mention the person and epxlain your interest in the course he is teaching.

When pointing to extra curricular reasons, look towards the student community of Hofstra for the answer. What particular clubs or organizations are of interest to you within the community? Where do you see yourself excelling in terms of participation? Are you interested in varsity sports? Which teams at Hofstra do you think you will try out for and why?

Those are the responses that you should be giving to the reviewer. It should not take you more than 2-3 paragraphs to formulate the necessary response. While your response is intricate, it does not really offer the kind of response that will catch the reviewer's attention. It would be best for you to revise your response to make it more relevant and informative while you are still in the response drafting stages.

Letters / Letter of Reccomendation for Education Master Program - on behalf of my Professor [8]

Hi Fadilla, I hope you won't mind if I edit your letter a little bit more just to improve the content and structure ok? My corrections will be in capital letters so that you can easily see it. Here is how I see your essay looking:

To Whom It May Concern;

It is my pleasure to recommend MS. Fadlila Muris for admission to your graduate program. I have known Ms. Muris for about four years (2011-2015) as one of the potential students in our undergraduate program. I came to know her better when I became her mentor in her thesis counseling.

Ms. Muris was an undergraduate student in THE Elementary School Teacher Education program at Sebelas Maret University. Over her learning period in the undergraduate program, she showed her EXEMPLARY quality QUALITIES by constantly kept KEEPING her excellent grades and consistently PERFORMING placed above her peers in terms of analyzing skills, critical thinking, and understanding the course material. She also maintained a GPA of 3.4 or better throughout the course and managed to graduate as top 5% in her batch with the CGPA of 3.71.

Her prominent traits are MS MURIS SERVED AS AN INSPIRATION TO OTHERS BECAUSE OF HER enthusiastic, ingenuous, and exceptionally dedicated DEDICATION as an education learner. I consider her as a creative educator and still have HAS so much potential in the subject; it is AS shown by her choice in her thesis to design the rarely used diorama media in her classroom action research, made of colorful clay into various objects according to the learning material to spark the interest of elementary school students and succeeded in attaining the A better learning process and result.

Ms. Muris has a promising writing skillS and in overall good communication skill as well. She states her ideas clearly and examines her writing subject by doing an elaborate back-up research from various points of view, all written in a concise and comprehensive manner. Other than her writing skill, she is AN articulate in spoken words and it is PERSON AS demonstrated in CLASS discussion sessions and daily communication. She describes her points concisely with firm arguments, but also communicative and YET, IS flexible ENOUGH to reach the A CONSENSUS conclusion regarding the ANY discussed issue.When working in A group, she exhibits her quality as a level-headed person, WHO gives satisfying resultS by putting in extra effort in the given task while maintains her group solid IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN A SOLID GROUP and would take the lead if necessary with no hesitance.

I am pleased that Ms. Muris is planning to enroll on IN graduate school to make the most of her potential. I believe that she has the competency and enthusiasm TO SUCCEED in the education world, and she is capable to complete OF CPMPLETING a master's degree in a timely fashion with excellent resultS. I have no doubt that Ms. Muris will be a determined and dedicated student and she will grow into a capable academician WORTHY OF BEING CALLED AN ALUMNA OF YOUR UNIVERSITY.

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I hope that you will be appreciative of the recommendations to improve the essay that I have made :-)

Research Papers / Alternative Methods to the Traditional Therapy "What Is There To Talk About" [3]

Hi Stacie, I am wondering if you would be open to revising your introduction a little? I feel like you need to present the names for the earliest forms of traditional therapy treatments. The reason for this is that you mention that some authors describe the methods as "eclectic", without really mentioning some of the therapy forms. So as the reader, I am left wondering as to what forms of treatment were deemed "eclectic" and why. Also, I am not sure what the topic of the essay is because the thesis statement in the introduction is not really clear. Since you presented two questions in the introductory paragraph, you should just pick one question and turn it into the thesis statement by stating it in paragraph form. State that you will be talking about the historical and modern methods of therapy instead of posing questions and possibilities as a part of the thesis statement. Remember, you have to be sure about what you want to discuss in the essay, make it clear to the reader, and then follow through in order to develop a successful research paper.

At this point, I came across your second paragraph which offered even more questions that could be considered to be thesis statements for your essay. You really can't have 2 paragraphs that keep on posing questions to the reader. Instead, the second paragraph should already be introducing some basic facts and discussions based upon your research. This is the main problem with your essay. There is a clear lack of thesis development, thus making the essay a long series of questions, that cannot possibly be given a fully developed response in such a short essay. At the rate you were posing questions, it began to sound more like you were trying to write a dissertation than a simple research paper. Are you trying to write a dissertation?

After reviewing the essay overall, I have to point out the lack of in-text citations and references in the essay. You ahve way too many facts and official terms within the essay for it to simply be an opinion paper based upon experience or interviews. In order to be academically acceptable, you need to properly cite the references of your information regarding the history of the treatments, the chemicals used, etc. Otherwise the paper could be considered plagiarized. Remember, most professors these days use plagiarism software to check the essays so you need to make sure to have those sources of information properly cited both in-text and in the bibliography which, I also noticed, is missing from your research paper.

The topic of the essay and the discussion is engaging and enjoyable. It is informative but questionable due to the lack of sources. So if you address these immediate concerns, I am sure that the essay will become even better and secure you the best grade possible in class :-)

Writing Feedback / One must study the major cities to understand a particular society. [2]

Sakshi, your essay shows that even though you wrote the essay under time constraint, you have managed to develop a convincing discussion based upon the prompt provided. By using your personal experience to portray your support of a particular stance on the matter. Such references always help to add to the credibility of your claims as the author of the essay.

Its is very obvious that you tried to impress the examiner with your vocabulary skills. You tried to use impressive "big" English words in the essay. It was an excellent effort on your part, but totally unnecessary for your essay. One of the students that I used to tutor for his IELTS test also tried to use as much impressive sounding words in his practice tests but he always used it in the wrong way so it just ended up damaging the message of his essay. When he learned to use the simple English words that he understood and knew that the reviewer could also easily understand, it became even easier for him to write his essay. Needless to say, he passed his test with high marks because he kept his essay simple and easily understandable. While his grammar was not as perfect as it could have been, his message was clear to the examiner. That should be the sole aim of your essay, nothing more, nothing less.

So, let's work on cleaning up your essay shall we. :)

Letters / Letter of Reccomendation for Education Master Program - on behalf of my Professor [8]

Hi Fadilla, listen, since your professor's main connection with you is as your thesis counselor, you should not be mentioning your experiences in training and other parts of your CV that the professor would not know about because he or she was unable to see you performing those actions. Just stick to the thesis related topics. By the way, please present your full name at the start of the letter and then have your professor address you as Ms. (last name) throughout the letter. Calling you only Fadilla makes the formal letter sound very informal and removes the connotation of a formal relationship between you and your professor. Always maintain the professional tone of the recommendation letter since this is an official document that you will be submitting.

The parts that I believe you should remove from the essay are the following paragraphs. I will only state the opening sentences so be conscious that you have to delete the whole paragraph when editing the essay:

Her devotion towards education is shown by her commitment when she did the internship as an elementary school teacher in XX Elementary School of Surakarta from September to November 2014.

I'm impressed by her skills and her fortitude in social science field, particularly in elementary school education.

By removing the above parts, you will make it less obvious to the reviewer that it was not the professor who wrote the letter of recommendation. Once you have revised the content of the essay, you can work on cleaning up the problems with the grammar structure of the paper and also finalize the content and format of the letter.

Research Papers / Adverse Childhood Experiences Effecting the Workforce [4]

Lean, the way that you developed the thesis statement of your essay leaves room for further improvement. In my opinion, you should only mention the other forms of adverse childhood experience but without specific concentrations on those discussions. Since this is the part of the research where you are expected to lay the effective foundation of your discussion, I believe that you should further emphasize the main concern of your research which is the effect of childhood adverse experiences on the adult in the workplace, you should add some relevant examples of such effects after you say the following line:

All these ACEs affect an individual at a personal level as an employee and thus affect the workforce as a whole because of the eminent interdependence and teamwork among the workforce obliged in our world today.

By offering clear examples of the way those experiences affect the adult in the workplace, say through examples of weak leadership, being unable to work with a team, fear of criticism, etc., the information that follows in the next paragraph will be much more effective and well received by the reader, be he a professor, professional, or simple reader.

Whenever possible, strengthen your points regarding the effect of adverse experiences and its effect on the adult in the workplace with either figures, personal experience, or the information that you gained by asking related questions and interviewing people regarding the topic. Using your own survey or personally gathered data can also help to create an insight into the topic. You can even compare the results of your poll with the information you provided, thus creating an in-depth analysis of the validity of some academic claims regarding the topic.

These are just some ideas that I thought of which could help increase the convincing power of your essay. However, if you are already finalizing your paper at this point, then you can just work on developing the earlier aspects I mentioned here :-) Regardless though, I believe this paper is well researched and you should feel proud of the way you researched it.

Research Papers / How are Arizona's children being affected by low state funding education levels? [3]

Jose, it would be in the best interest of your thesis statement to have the facts that you mentioned with sources rephrased to refer to a generalized form of the information instead. Part of a strong thesis statement is the ability of a writer to develop a thesis statement based solely upon the information that you have read. By presenting general information instead of factual information, you will be able to use the actual facts in relevant parts of the research and create a deeper impact and understanding of the shared facts. Don't waste the information as mere mentions at the start of the essay. Make sure that each mention of facts will be done in such a manner that it will help create a more authoritative image for your paper instead.

I hope that you can make the time to review your essay for grammatical errors and structure problems. There are instances within the essay when you have a single sentence for 2 connected thoughts. Such sentences should be divided into two lines through the use of a comma. An example of this is the way that you wrote the following:

The state of Arizona has effected budget cuts on the education system on each subsequent year a factor that has been attributed to the deterioration of public education levels in the state.

By placing a period after the word "year", the information in the essay becomes clearer. When the sentence is read as:

The state of Arizona has effected budget cuts on the education system on each subsequent year, a factor that has been attributed to the deterioration of public education levels in the state.

You create an introduction to the subject which in turn causes more impact for the line as it is read.

I received the information you presented in the essay on a positive note. Although, i feel like the essay goes on a bit longer than it should. Perhaps the length will still change depending upon how you proofread your essay. There is a lot of information in your paper that can still be edited as you move towards the final content of the research.

Writing Feedback / A child's best interest [2]

Cristina, your essay has a very enlightening topic involved in its discussion. You have presented more than enough food for thought for the reader and the person who will be grading this research paper. The fact that you have experienced the situation you are discussing makes it even more compelling and informative. However, the paper suffers from a severe case of what I believe can be called, "a lack of academic credibility".

Throughout the essay, you make reference to various court or legal definitions, processes, and considerations that need to have come from an academically acceptable source. So when you share information such as:

When it comes to the main focus of a child's "best interest" this means that visitation and custody discussions and decisions are made with the goal to make sure that the child is happy, secure and their emotional and mental health aren't affected. The family court judges look at a child's "best interest as maintaining a close and loving relationship with both parents.

You need to properly cite and reference the information within the essay. You already did something like this when you said :

One of my interesting sources comes from "Best Interests of the Child, "" Child Custody Project. Andrew Schepard, 28 Jan. 2014. Web. 16 Oct. 2015.

So I can tell that you have an idea or are cognizant of the fact that you should be citing sources. You just did not do it properly in this case and accidentally omitted it in the other parts of the essay. If you can just provide the correct citations in-text, the paper will develop more credibility as a research document.

In the part of the essay where you mention that you have lived in this particular situation twice, if you won't feel very uncomfortable sharing a few declassified details about the situation that you experienced, you will add your own voice to the essay and show the reader why you are so involved with the topic you are discussing. By connecting your personal experience with the discussion, the essay not only becomes academic in nature, but also offers a social insight in the effects of the family court custody decision regarding the "best interest" of the child.

Research Papers / Rough draft of alternative treatment plans for children diagnosed with ADHD [3]

Jennifer, please develop an introduction to the topic before you present the facts of the discussion. Your introduction does not have any basis or direction for the reader at this point because a thesis statement or abstract of the topic for discussion has not been established. So the reader does not have a starting point that will allow him to come to a better understanding of what topic you are trying to present and discuss.

I believe that your paper will be helped by the development of a quick paragraph or two that establishes the definition of ADHD and its historical treatments. The discussion for the historical treatment can lead your readers into the alternative therapy discussion that is the topic of your research paper.

Try to offer a few paragraphs to the development of the homeopathic treatments and the data related to the positive and negative effects of the treatment. It is important to also discuss any negative aspect of the homeopathic treatments that exist because you are basically doing a side by side comparison of the homeopathic and chemical treatments of ADHD. So both the positive and negative effects of the two treatments should be fairly represented in your research.

I can only offer partial comments about the paper that you have developed so far since this is, as you said, just a draft of the research. It shows potential in terms of the topic you are discussing and should allow the reader to become better educated about the available ADHD treatments in the long run.

Research Papers / Abolishment of the death penalty - 8th amendment from the Bill of Rights does not mention it [5]

Isabelle, when you are writing the introduction to your topic / thesis, it is always best not to provide any quotes yet. The thesis statement is meant to allow you the opportunity to present your own thoughts and opinions on the topic. This is the part where commonly known beliefs and information should be placed. So quotable facts and figures are not necessary yet. Keep the opening discussion simple. Just present the stand of the states on the death penalty and then go into an overview discussion of why there is a "growing" support for the removal of the death penalty. Use the facts and figures that you have in a separate, more relevant paragraph.

Did you try to outline your essay before you wrote it? Outlining the essay will help you limit the discussions and information to only the most important parts and also help you to shorten the essay. It will also assist you in creating the proper paragraph divisions for your various topics. At this point, the essay seems to be just throwing the ideas out there, depending upon which topic you wish to discuss. Try to include a sense of topic progression in the essay by discussing the related topics, from the most important to the least, by properly transitioning and comibining the information per paragraph.

The discussion regarding abolition can be strengthened by the presentation of scholarly facts and supporting documents. I get a sense of totally personal opinions coming across in this part of your essay because of the lack of documented facts to support your claims. If you believe that abolition must be implemented then properly cite the reasons why this is a socially acceptable stance. Explain how other countries have abolished the death penalty and why. Present the side of various groups in the U.S. that support the abolishing of the death penalty. Only when you have already presented all of the academically and legally acceptable facts can you come to a personal opinion / conclusion regarding the need to abolish the death penalty.

Writing Feedback / Competition among older and younger generation for job vacancy [2]

Annahatef, you did not really understand the prompt properly so you were not able to discuss the essay in the expected manner. In order to understand a prompt, you first need to understand that you should look for "keywords" in an essay prompt. Keywords are the central part of the prompt that give you the topic and instructions for what you have to write. In this case the following are the keywords of the prompt:

older people compete with younger people for the same jobs - This is the central idea normally located at the very start of the prompt.

the reason for this? - Analytical points you are expected to consider

suggest as a solution? - Results of your analysis.

Using this format, your essay should be composed of 3 main parts / paragraphs. Don't try to over analyze the questions. Just look for keywords in every essay prompt and you will be able to write the correct response. The exam always offers clues that will help making writing your response easier, specially when it comes to developing the thesis for it. You just have to know what to look out for. In this case, the restated thesis could have been :

Older and younger people seem to be competing for the same jobs these days. High rates of job turnover among the older employees and an employment force that is getting younger everyday are being pointed to as one of the reasons that the competition between the two has developed. I believe that, along with that reason, there are other reasons as well. In this essay, I will look at the other reasons involved and offer possible solutions to end the competition between the young and old in the work hiring field.

What I have written is just a suggestion to help you understand how best to use keywords in developing an effective thesis. I highlighted the parts that correspond to the keywords. I hope it can help guide you in developing your next practice essay :-)

Research Papers / What Can Psychopaths Teach us about Success? [3]

I never thought that I would enjoy reading any work about the study of Psychopathy until I came across this paper. You managed to take a deadly serious topic, give it some pretty historical and interesting examples, and then threw yourself into a discussion that any layman can understand. In terms of whether you hooked the reader in, the answer is yes. Considering the topic that you chose to discuss, yes. However, your research faltered when it came to the presentation of your thesis. Your opening statement stopped at:

"They are individuals all responsible for very disturbing, heartless, and cruel actions against human. From a man with genocide on his mind to the death of a few working women, what these gentlemen had in common is that they were all psychopaths."

All you needed was to add one word to complete the thesis presentation and topic discussion of your essay, "successful". These men were all successful psychopaths which helped them get beyond the reach of the law. That is what I think you would have wanted to point out as the thesis of your essay. You presented the names of some of the most notorious figures in the history of man, they were all considered successful in what they did, regardless of their negative actions so you should have acknowledged that from the beginning in order to create the thesis of the essay.

You have enough in-text citations within the essay to qualify it as well researched. The only problem I can see is with regards to the formatting of your paper. Did your professor tell you if you should be writing this in APA style? I think the citations should properly follow the APA in-text citation format because that is the default research template for psychological papers such as the one you just wrote. If you can confirm that it is supposed to be in APA, run a Google search and use those samples to properly format the paper. My opinion, is that you need to work on that in the paper. Don't forget, there are some professors who are sticklers for formatting and could really deduct major points, or even demand a totally new paper (as opposed to failing you) when they receive a wrongly formatted research paper from a student.

You should also consider adding sources for the part where you explain about the psychological testing for psychopaths. You have a number of factual information there that requires the source in order for your claims and explanations to become scientifically and academically valid. Those problems exist in the first half of your paper. If you aren't sure which parts those should be, let me know so I can help you identify them.

As a whole, the paper is interesting and informative. It delivers the information necessary to discuss your chosen topic, represents your thesis quite well, and offers a simple insight into the world of psychopaths. Some adjustment is necessary regarding the in-text citations but it does not interfere with the content and information of the paper. In my opinion, this is an acceptably written research paper that shows the effort that the student has placed into researching, developing, and writing it.

Undergraduate / ¨In the Face of Adversity...¨-VCU CommonApp Essay [5]

James, one of the reasons that you are asked to write a response to prompts such as this one is that you are bineg asked to show how you perform when faced with a challenge, adversity, or challenge. Now, I understand that people respond to these obstacles in varying ways and to different degrees. Your reaction is most likely what felt normal for you which is why you decided to walk out. In my opinion, you cannot be faulted for that. Nither can be considered as the wrong response to this sort of question as there are no right or wrong answers in these instances. Only the opinion of the reviewer matters in this case. So his perception of your reaction should be your primary consideration in the development of your response.

As I said, your response may have been the right one for you and it accurately responds to the first part of the prompt. However, you could have slanted your response to develop a more positive outlook if you had taken the time to develop a proper response to the second half of the question that asked you if you would have changed anything about that previous decision, and how that event has helped you become the person you are today.

You could have responded with something along the lines of

"I know it seems like I don't perform well under pressure. The truth is, I perform rather well. However, I believe that with pressure should come fun. That way the pressure and work becomes something I look forward to doing. When a task proves to just be all about pressure and nothing more, when it places the team camaraderie on the edge, and causes the members of the group to begin in-fighting, then I do not believe that any task is worth the challenge. So no, I don;t believe that I would have changed the decision I made that day. I would not change anything about it..."

Then add something on a positive note about how the parade ended for your club. Maybe your group pulled out of the parade and helped prove your point? Right now, the essay ends on a highly negative note as Mary said. However, that does not mean that you have to totally change your response. You just have to make the response work with the prompt somehow. In this case, I think that lies in creating a reasonable response to the latter part of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1. Problem for people living abroad [4]

Rahmat, you have a good start to your essay. The introductory paragraph is alright but could have been made better. Since you already mentioned a specific problem from the chart in the summary report, you could have made the information more complete if you had mention the other 2 problems as well. That would have given a complete overview of the report topics at the very least. Such a move on your part would have given the reader an idea as to the more concrete topics and coverage of discussion that is to follow. In other words, it would have served as a very effective hook :-)


- Since this is the start of a new paragraph, you should always introduce the topic for discussion in the first sentence. It does not matter that you already mentioned it in the summary. As a new paragraph, you have to remind the readers about the topic that you are discussing,. If you read this paragraph without reading the first one, you will definitely be lost and not have any idea regarding what you are reading. An effective essay always keeps the reader informed and reminded of the topic being discussed whenever the need arises. In this case, you should have reminded the reader at the start.


- Again, what are you referring to here? There is a lack of thought clarity in this whole paragraph that needs to be addressed. Don't get misled by the chart being in front of you when you wrote this essay. The examiner in the actual test may not have the chart in front of him. Always assume the worst case scenario and make sure that you include all the necessary topic identifying markers in each sentence or paragraph that you develop.

There are grammar concerns that also exist in the essay. However, since the IELTS concentrates more on the content and format rather than the grammar of the essay, my main concern at this point is to make sure that you have an essay that anybody can understand upon scanning. That does not exist at the moment.

Undergraduate / I read the question and my face tightened when I saw the one word that stood out to me: FAMILY. [3]

Vivian, the essay that you wrote is unique in the sense that you managed to integrate the world that you come from into your development as a person in a highly interesting manner. It is not often that the reviewer will get to know the qualities, traits, and characteristics of their applicant through such a vivid description of her parents. Congratulations on doing that job quite well.

If there are flaws in your essay, I would have to say that it takes a little too long to get to the point. You used too much of the first paragraph setting up the scene for your response instead of going direct to the point. Now, I understand why you had to set up the paragraph in that manner. However, I think that you need to edit the content of that portion in order to immediately draw the attention of the reviewer to the main purpose of your essay, the description of the world that has shaped your dreams and aspirations, the physical world of the family store and the world that your parents raised you in. There also seems to be a slight discrepancy because you say that your parents anticipate Sunday to be a busy day, filled with customers and yet they were able to take time to check in on you. Try to present a specific reason that they were able to do this. Mention something about closing the store for a coffee break or having the other employees come in already so your parents were able to make the time to become available for you. That would fill the hole in the story you are telling.

While your grammar could sometimes be mistaken for that of a native speaker, you seem to have a problem when it comes to using the word "other". In the context of your essay, you should be saying "others" which is the plural form of the word instead of "other" which is the singular form. Watch out for any singular - plural disagreements as those are the only small distractions in your essay. It doesn't affect the narration of the essay, but polishing those little errors can really add to the quality of your essay.

Letters / Formal Letter to my local council [3]

Juan, there are number of important points that are missing from your letter which have caused it to not be as effective as it should be. A formal complaint letter requires you to present certain information and request certain actions in order to catch the interest of the Town Hall PLanning Department. That said, the inclusion of the following information will help to further create an interest in your letter as it will properly represent the problem of your street already.

You need to present the following in the letter:
1. Describe the actual condition of your street. It cannot just be described as "unrepaired for years". If possible, mention that you attached a picture of the street problem in order to illustrate your point.

2. Neghbors who are "disappointed" with the situation should have some actual complaints regarding the way the street problem affects their daily lives. Be very specific if possible by explaining how the street problem causes certain inconveniences such as difficulty getting out of your residence to go to work, accidents caused by the unrepaired roads, and possible future problems it can create.

3. When you speak of the effect that the road closures have on your street, such as the noise that the surrounding road repairs make, the additional damage it causes, and the way other vehicles have been passing in your street, always keep a formal tone. While I sense your annoyance in the paragraph, it comes across more as whining than complaining.

4. Be more specific about the course of action that you wish the Town Hall to take regarding the issue. If you want them to repair the roads, then demand that they do so. Do not request that they reconsider the idea of fixing your street since, from your explanation, they have not made a move to repair it in years.

The letter that you wrote has the potential to be a serious call to action Juan. The only thing that you missed while writing it is proper idea development. I have offered you some ideas as to how to do that. As far as grammar issues are concerned, those do exist in your letter. However, because there is a requirement to improve the content of your letter, I refrained from correcting those. Why have you revise your grammar twice when I can just have you do it after you revise the letter and have you do it once instead right? Good work on the letter in its current form just the same :-)

Writing Feedback / The percentage of inconvenience people who live in other countries, categorized in troubles and ages [2]

Meliana, there are actually 2 major problems with your current report summary which can adversely affect your overall score. The first problem, is that your summary paragraph is too short. You have supplied a single sentence summary when the standard requirement is at least 3 sentences. A single sentence summary is considered not only incomplete, but uninformative as well. Large points will be deducted for that mistake in an actual test. The same problem exists with your conclusion for the very same reasons. Please work on developing your summary and conclusion writing skills so as to improve your practice and actual test scores.

The second problem that you need to pay attention to is the way you use the terms that are supplied in the charts. Do not change the terms that are used. Keep the original terms from the report because the examiner will compare the chart with your essay and see that you did not use the original terms. For example, you used the term "chumming" when the actual report said "making friends". The whole tone of the report changed when you did that. It went from formal academic to casual informal. As you know these reports are considered serious and academic in nature as in the real world, you would be using these sorts of essays for your dissertation writing as part of your masters degree completion or your thesis writing when attending college. Therefore, you must always keep the professional tone of the essay.

Now, for the grammar clean up:

The charts displays the percentage of inconvenience people who live in other countries, categorized in troubles and ages EXPERIENCE.

The highest trouble INCONVENIENCE for young adultS aged 18 to 34 is chumming MAKING FRIENDS, 46 percent of people in this category experienced it. Nevertheless, there are only 36 percent of people aged 35 to 54 who detected CLAIMED to have difficulties of IN making friendS, while for people aged above 55 years old have the less LEAST problem of all.

In learning the local language category, 54 percent of the elderly have this problem. In contrast, the youngest age group find FOUND it easier to learn the local language, and AT A rate at OF 29 percent of this problem . Contradiction CONTRARY to the language-learning category, THE oldest people has HAD the least problem in finding lodging, it is only 22 percent. However, for the other two age groupS of people, this is the important problem. Rating in 39 to 40 percent of each group finding FOUND it is hard to accommodate HARD TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO LIVE FOR themselves.

Overall, all people have experienceD problems to some extent, but the oldest people have the highest percentage in learning local language category PREDICAMENT than the others.

Meliana, there are 2 books that can help you improve your writing skills for the IELTS that I hope you will learn how to use. The first book is a thesaurus, that book contains the synonym words or words that are different in spelling but mean the same thing. the other book, is a dictionary, to help you make sure that the word you have opted to use has the meaning that you want to convey. The latter book would have helped you out a lot when you were trying to choose the correct word to use in place of "contradiction". You can find free online versions of those 2. I hope you can use those during your next personal practice test :-)

Undergraduate / "Failure Is Inevitable" - College Personal Essay [8]

Kierre, I think that I have seen some portions in your essay where we can either cut down on content or totally remove a paragraph. In some instances, you can even rephrase the sentence to make it shorter. We can start the editing process with your introduction. Normally, the introduction is just used to introduce the main idea for your topic. In your case, the introduction became way too long for comfort.

What you can do to shorten that part is just say that you grew up with a winning attitude and that you always excelled in everything that you did. You did not grow up a quitter so failure was never an option for you. That is why when, after years of ballet training, you failed ot make it to the cheer-leading team, you felt like an utter failure.

The best way to approach your essay is to keep it simple yet informative. Remember that I suggested that you highlight the positive attitude that the coach noted which led to your becoming an All-Star member? it is because of this suggestion that I feel you shorten the introduction. Do you already remember when you displayed the attitude and perseverance that would have caught the eye of the coach? By simplifying your introduction and integrating the moment when you displayed these traits, it will represent how you managed to experience failure and yet, managed to turn that experience into something positive for you. It is important that you relate the exact instance that you believe this happened because it will represent the moment that your coach decided that you were too good for a simple varsity team. Highlight the fact that:

It was because of my attitude and perseverance that she thought I would make a perfect candidate for the spot.

Perhaps you displayed this attitude after you did not make it to the team. that would make the learning experience even more notable. It is not often that a coach gets a chance to see the potential of a person who tried out and failed to make the team. So you must have done something right, which led to a failure, which taught you about success and how winning comes in different forms :-)

If you can provide me with the necessary information, I should be able to help you fit that event into the essay without going over the word count. Do you think we can work on it together? I'll be waiting to hear from you :-)

Scholarship / Answers to the Mandela Washington fellowship for young leaders [5]

Mammusi, your responses are quite good and to the point. I just spotted some mistakes in the grammar structure that can be corrected. Let me correct the responses by number for you. The limited word count really helped you to create well targeted and responsive answers to the questions posed. You did very good work.

1. :I am a state media,broadcast reporter in the Kgalagadi district in Botswana. I provide a wider news coverage and processing of story/events and follow-up on leads, conduct television news interviews, script-writing and assisting on production of television news content. I WORK ON TELEVISION NEWS CONTENT THAT INCLUDES A WIDER COVERAGE OF THE NEWS ALONG WITH FOLLOW UPS ON LEADS, INTERVIEWS, SCRIPT-WRITING AND PRODUCTION ASSISTANCE REGARDING NEWS CONTENT. This includes researching on wider topic/events of interest,sourcing interviews of professionals.

COMMENT: THERE IS A SLIGHT REDUNDANCY IN THE RESPONSE THAT NEEDED TO BE DEALT WITH.

2. :Last year i was asked to produce a program on political intolerance,i had only a month to air the programme. Firstly t The politicians i called didn't want to participate in the program, SINCE they believed the program would discredit them before the elections. I explained that through the program i would depict Botswana"s political journey TOWARDS independence, AND how the political landscape has changed since then. and this THEY BELIEVED ME WHEN I ASSURED THEM THAT THE PROGRAM WOULD accorded them the opportunity to address issues of concern. I ALLOWED THEM T to talk about political dis-stabilization or lack of and to have a THEIR say on the political clashes that occurred. I got my interviews and met the deadline.

3. I have been working with Kgomotso Center,a place where O orphans learn different life skills, for a couple of months now. The Kgalagadi area is marred with poverty and , lack of education and , unemployment, and most people here rely on government for sustainability,my . MY job offers me the opportunity to have access to information that i I can share and teach young people to dream of a better tomorrow for themselves. i I volunteer to teach the orphans at this center about the opportunities they can find in media. I also donate clothes to these underprivileged children.

4. I'm a journalist with already WILL BE A JOURNALIST WITH years of hands-on experience in different areas of reporting. My experience in reporting on different issues ranging from poverty,women empowerment,politics has WILL HAVE prepared me to one day have a bigger platform like a talk-show that will enable me to better tackle issues affecting our society. I believe a talk show will accord my community the opportunity to advance and discuss issues and they can be addressed. This fellowship offers one the opportunity to meet with people who can offer you valued advice,which i will need to start on the talk show.

Graduate / Song that expresses who you are and why (250 words) [9]

Anita, your work, determination, and tenacity are to be admired. Your never quit attitude is a fantastic quality in a person and a student. The way that you never gave up in finding that perfect song has definitely paid off with this version of your essay. Just to be clear, you finally nailed the essay :-)

Although the song is a love song, there are lyrics in the song that you can pick out to help you explain how you felt when you saw the Facebook postings of your friends and how you turned that year around for you. I was thinking that you can use the following lines from the song:

Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can?
There's a big black sky over my town
I know where you're at, I bet she's around...
Yeah, I know it's stupid
I just gotta see it for myself...

- I think that the above lyrics can depict how you felt when you saw your friends pictures with their new friends in their exchange student countries.

Then, for the part when you talk about the way that you turned your studies around because you were hurting at not being able to achieve the same things your friends did along with them, you can quote the lyrics:

I'm giving it my all,
I keep dancing on my own
I keep dancing on my own

- I think that in terms of the lyrics that expresses who you are now, those lyrics will work already.

Just remember, at this point, you can make the lyrics fit your story. You can manipulate parts of the lyrics to express who you are or who you have become. so feel free to manipulate the lyrics to your benefit. In the meantime, let me correct some grammar problems with your essay:

I am the type of person that who often has high expectations for myself HERSELFand when something that I want does not follow through regardless of my full effort, I am devastated. However through the years I have grown ACCUSTOMED to shake SHAKING my failures off, which is why I relate to THE Robyn DISCO INSPIRED SONG -'Dancing on My Own'. Robyn sings about an ex-boyfriend that moves on too soon and when she sees him across the dance floor with another woman, she is painfully aware but triumphantly announces 'I keep dancing on my own'.

When I found out I didn't get in, I felt like a loser.My group of friends in school dissapated DISSIPATED as they left to study abroad

Then when applications came around for THE STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM the following year,

Now, let's see if the revised version of your essay, this time with the appropriate lyrics quoted further improves the essay :-) So far, you have already done a wonderful job with the essay prompt response.

Graduate / Architecture is a unique industry. In my world, Architects are gods. 500 word application essay. [5]

Anita, the way to make your essay pop is actually included in the prompt of the essay. Talk in depth about your future plans for your career. For example, talk about how you are planning to remain an architect by profession but you plan on using your degree in business to create a different kind of architecture firm for yourself in the future.

Discuss the ways that you see this business degree working hand in hand with your plans for your profession. Maybe explain how you feel that by being a business minded architect, you will be able to provide a unique kind of service to your clients. One that combines the practicality of the business side with the unique designs you have to offer them at affordable costs. Perhaps delve on the fact that as an architect who understands the true cost of doing business, you will be in a unique position to increase your advantages in contract negotiations, project estimations, etc.

Information like that, data about how you can combine the unique traits of the two professions will make the essay unique and definitely make the essay pop, be memorable for the reviewer when he reads it. As for example essays here at the forum, I am not sure if we have one specifically based on your requirements, but I am sure that you can read the other essays here and find some way to use their inspiration in writing your original essay :-)

Good luck with your revisions. We will always be here ready to assist you :-)

Undergraduate / Core Curriculum and location within the heart of New York - Columbia Supplment Essay: Why Columbia?? [3]

Minju. one of the questions that I found myself asking as I read your response was "Why doesn't he have a major in mind? Is that why he is thankful for the Core Curriculum?" I think that if you do not have a major in mind yet, then you should definitely concentrate your answer on just the core curriculum as being the one academic reason that you chose to attend Columbia. Your response in that case should be more along the lines of the university allowing you to "get your feet wet" by trying all possible major course scenarios before you finally settle on the one that you feel is right for you. Then dwell on the explanation that this type of education is a rare opportunity that people like you can take advantage of while you try to get your college legs steady.

As for the social aspect of attending Columbia, don't discuss the city in general, nor the internships. Look to the campus community for your response to that. Talk about the various community activities that you feel you will not only help you settle in, but also allow you to become an integral part of the community through your participation in specific organizations or activities.

the strongest part of your essay is the introduction. I am really impressed by how your opening line ; What do I find appealing about Columbia? A better question to ask would be: What does not appeal to me about Columbia? Keep that. The line is a winner that has a great chance of reeling in the reviewer. It works very well. Just try to adjust the other parts of the essay so that we can further improve your response. The answers you gave are okay, but could be better :-) So, let's work on it.

Essays / Application Essay: personal information which may include exceptional hardships, challenges, etc. [3]

Hi Dani, I think I can help you out with some starting statements for your essay. I'll do it in paragraph form to better guide you.

Par. 1:
Some people who develop an interest in nursing say they do so because they were exposed to the world of nursing care at some point in their lives. In my case, I want to become a registered nurse because of my mother, who has motivated me to get an education all my life...

Par. 2:
My mother has done her best to inspire me to never quit on my education regardless of the discouraging challenges that I faced... It is her inspiration that has convinced me that if I am to improve myself, then I need to transfer from UTSA to XXX. This is the university where my future lies.

Par. 3:
I knew that I could not quit. Not only would my mother not allow me to become a quitter, but I saw how much sacrifice she was making just to make sure that I got the chances in life she never did...\

Par.4:
That is why completing a degree in Nursing is important to me. I would like to get a job as an RN and then give back to my supportive mother...

I hope that my suggestions can get you off to a good start in developing your application essay :-) Don't hesitate to let me know if you have any questions or if there are other things I can help you with ;-)

Undergraduate / 'The humiliation you may feel' - Personal Statement- My background [4]

Wow! Minju, your story is one that totally came out of left field. It is not your typical background story so it really has an interesting story to tell. More importantly, you presented a whole side to your personality and well-being that would otherwise not have been show in other common app prompts. If you set out to catch the reviewer's eye and develop a story that would linger in his memory long after he has read the other essays on his desk or laptop, the you can breathe easy. You accomplished that task and then some :-)

You really managed to take us into the world that comprised your background and made the reader feel the pain and desperation that you were going through as an adolescent. So when it came time for you realize that your hands did not represent who you are as a person, the reader cannot help but applaud your epiphany.

While the essay is quite gripping, it does suffer from some grammar and sentence structure problems. So let me try to address those for you:

CAN YOU IMAGINE H how humiliating would it WOULD be if , whenever you shook hands with another, the other person would swiftly retract their hand, with a disgusted look on their face , and start wiping their hands on their clothes? The humiliation you feel from this small chain of events is ARE immense, and . s Sadly, I have lived with this embarrassment throughout my entire life. I have a condition called hyperhidrosis which causes parts of my body, mainly my palms, to perspire profusely. This may seem like a miniscule hindrance to some; however, for me, by HAVING TO LIVE AND DEAL living and dealing with this condition daily,

My family accepted it, and they did not feed PAY much attention to it.
I was surrounded by people whom I have never seen BEFORE and people that have never heard of hyperhidrosis in their life LIVES, much less know that palms could be sweatY.

and were quick to pull away after accidental physical interactions with a repulsed face and rubBED the sweat off their skin furiously.
I began to hate how my paper would slightly wrinkle up or how my pen's
At one point, I even had thoughts of cutting off my hands and SO I COULD live with stubs for hands so I would not HAVE TO deal with this anymore.

My self-esteem was at an all-time low around THE seventh grade, until I met Anna.
She slowly convinced me that my hands were not the only thingS about me, and that most people will not even pay them any mind.

However, Llittle did they know, these words have changed my life for the better in the long run.
These two massively differing events helped me understand how powerful words actually are and how even the littlest of actions could make a difference in someone'S LIFE.

I always try to keep in mind the outcomes EFFECTS my words and gestures might have on someone.
Also, I became more understanding of other people's problems and situations.
Because of this, I learned to become a more understanding person and strive to become a person like my friend, a person who shone a new light on me.

Kindly pay particular attention the way you use the plural forms. Also, note how I tightened the spotlight of the essay by removing unnecessary phrases and word fillers. Just stik to the point and always present your information in a straightforward manner. The reviewer does not have the time to sort through the word fillers just to get to your point. The essay is engaging as it is sans the word fillers.

Undergraduate / Northwestern attracts me with its dynamic biology program and renowned professors - Pers. Statement [3]

Hi there, do you have a word count limit on your response? It is really quite short in terms of response and discussion development when compared to the other Northwestern University responses here at the forum. It is because of the curt responses that you gave that there is an almost generic feel to the essay. You did not really open up in your response as well as you could have for some reason.

Rather than explaining what Biology means to you, I would have rather seen you explain your interest in biology in relation to specific classes, professors, internship opportunities, and research possibilities that you could undertake at the university. It doesn't matter what you believe about Biology. What matters is how you see the university furthering your interests and future goals. That is what you should discuss in terms of why you want to attend the university.

As you discuss your interest in Biology in relation to the university curriculum and other interesting connected offerings, you might want to throw in a sentence or two that refers to your future plans after graduation. Maybe pursuing a masters degree in some related field that you are sure Northwestern can help you develop a foundation in due to some specific reasons. Those are the more definite reasons that you would be attracted to Northwestern.

As you discuss the extra curricular activities at the university, you need to explain how these activities will help you become a better person in the future. What is it about these groups that interest you the most and why? Explain why these particular organizations tease your interest. Remember, you are trying to tell the reviewer that you are going to become a well rounded student at the university due to the academic and social developments that you can participate in while there.

When you talk of the programs that the university offers, try to be more specific about your interest in those offerings and how you see yourself becoming a better student because of it. Remember, the essay is asking you to explain the qualities of the school that have made you interested in joining their student community. Right now, that is the weakest link in this essay. It needs to be better discussed in order to strengthen that response.

Undergraduate / "Failure Is Inevitable" - College Personal Essay [8]

Kierre, it is important that you present each paragraph topic in stand alone form. That means as a separate topic within the same essay. The reason for that is that the current form of the essay feels under developed. There are actually portions of the essay that could benefit from further development in order to better highlight the reason why this failure taught you a lot of life lessons. One of the lines in particular that I feel needs to be highlighted in this essay is the following statement from you:

Later throughout the year I was approached by the cheer coach who wanted to enlist me in the local All-Star Team. It was because of my attitude and perseverance that she thought I would make a perfect candidate for the spot.

As I reviewed your essay, you did not really shed light on the kind of attitude and perseverance that would have caught the eye of the coach. When exactly did this occur? You should present a clear example of this event happening either during the try-outs or after you did not make the cut for the team. This is the turning point in your life that helped you to become the person you are today. So sharing that story, of how this attitude helped you create a foundation or fundamental start to your attitude regarding what comprises winning and success is really an integral part of your story.

I hope that you still have some word count allotment to be able to do that. If not, let me know so that I can assist you with editing the essay to make room for what I believe, will be a notable part of the essay for the reviewer. I am sure that Ivy will also be happy to help you as well :-)

Graduate / "Revenge not only douse our deep ire but it also could be revealing." SOP - ELECTRICAL Engineering [14]

Sam, please see the grammar corrections and comments below for your current and additional paragraph information. I found some parts that need clarification so you need to address those points.

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In the same year , under the incredible guidance of my mentor Prof. M. D. Bharti, founder of I-Base Electrosoft previously known as MDB Electrosoft, I worked as an intern for THE Automatic Rationing for Public Distribution System (PDS) using RFID and GSM Module project. In this system every person will WAS be assigned a RFID card which will THAT containS the ID and address of the person. The RFID card will also containED the ration credit history of the Buyer as well as the distributer. This would mitigateD the illegal smuggling and irregular supply of Government ration and ultimately corruption.During my time as a project intern, I got acquainted WITH and got my hands on recent technological marvels. Raspberry p Pie was one of them. I learnt ED how to codE e in python and used it to write code for the project we worked on. We used Raspberry Pie as a computational device for the automation mechanism in the project. With the advent of GSM module one , WE WERE was able to maintain and keep the track record of the buyer and seller. Working under THE excellent guidance of M.D.Bharti I realized the true potential of embedded systems. And t Thus I decided do research and application project on embedded systemS.

COMMENT: ALWAYS USE PAST TENSE WHEN DISCUSSING EVENTS THAT HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED TO YOU. SINCE THIS INTERNSHIP HAS ALREADY BEEN COMPLETED, ALL REFERENCES SHOULD BE IN THE PAST FORM OF SPEAKING.

I worked on 'Prudent Braking System' as a final year project of my engineering DEGREE REQUIREMENTS. THE D decline of THE accidents rate on highways keeping this objective WAS THE PURPOSE THAT I HAD in mind WHEN I proposed THE idea of automatic braking in cars to our guide.

COMMENT: WHO WAS THIS THIS GUIDE AND WHY DID HIS OPINION MATTER TO MUCH TO YOU AS THE PROJECT MAKER?

He found this idea remarkable and agreed to guide us through it. We built up an assembly to be installed on A steering wheel. This assembly WAS comprised of A set of IR sensors coupled with microcontrollers and driving motors.THE M main function of this assembly was to alert the driver in case he takes his hands off the steering wheel and decelerateS ONCE if he loses control over OF the car.During my THE time I spent on the practical applications in short term internship and projects, my thirst to advance my wisdom in electronics amplified. I set my career objective for research and development.

COMMENT: BE SPECIFIC ABOUT THE AREA OF RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT THAT YOU WISH TO PURSUE. IT SHOULD TIE IN WITH YOUR PREVIOUS INTERNSHIP EXPERIENCE AND GRADUATING CLASS PROJECT IN ORDER TO MAKE YOUR STATEMENT STRONGER.

-----------

Your essay is definitely showing off your potential as a masters degree student at this point. The comment of your guide is most important because of the professional and practical aspect of your suggestion. If you can say a little more about why he became intereste din helping you with this project, I believe it will help increase your practical experience tremendously.

Undergraduate / 'Tell us about your college career to date ...' - UW Seattle Personal Statement - Academic Elements [5]

Muhammad, I would like to commend you on the way that you have revised the essay. You really have proven your ability to turn your academic life around. Not only that, but you also showed your intellectual development as a person alongside your strong sense of personal responsibility for your future. So, this essay really works very well for your purpose. Just one teeny weenie clarification needs to be made in the essay though. Just to clearly present your reason for transferring to UW.

The reason for your transfer still isn't quite clear. You mention that you started at Bellevue but then decided to transfer to UW because of your interest in Informatics. Please clarify that Bellevue as a college does not offer this course and since this is where your interests lie, you decided that you future as a computer professional would best be developed at UW. After that explanation, you can keep the rest of the paragraph that explains about the course curriculum that interested you in UW.

The overall information the essay now contains is quite relevant and provides enough attention and focus to the prompt questions. You have successfully conveyed all of the possible convincing responses on your part. Rest easy knowing that the reviewer now has a clearer idea of who you are as a student and will be able to make a more accurate consideration of your application based upon all the documents you will have submitted.

So, just one more slight revision and then, I believe this essay will be ready for grammar checking and polishing. It will be ready for submission after we doe those last 2 essay writing procedures :-)

Writing Feedback / "Inside the minds of children" - writing a presuasive essay on why it is important to stop bullying. [2]

Summer, your essay thesis is not really very clear. You have not provided an accurate explanation at the beginning of the essay for the reason you are writing this essay. What are you trying to convince the reader of? You stated a lot of information about bullying but you failed to develop a topic for discussion within the essay. So I am not really clear, coming off reading your opening statement, that you want to convince me that it is important to stop bullying. When you develop your opening statement, you need to make sure that you present the topic for discussion either at the very beginning or very last sentence of the introductory paragraph. That is normally where the thesis statement lies. In your case, the thesis statement does not really exist. So your topic for discussion just became a general discussion regarding bullying instead of the importance of preventing bullying.

Now, I have to refer you to the way that you discuss the facts in your essay. Have you ever heard of the term plagiarism? It is when a writer takes the words of another author and presents it in a new written form as his own. In this essay, you have a tremendous amount of information coming from various authoritative sources. However, you do not refer to them as the source of any of the information you have shared. That constitutes plagiarism on your part and most often results in one of two things at a university or high school. Either you get suspended or you get expelled for what is simply tantamount to sloppy work on your part because you failed to provide in-text citations for your information sources. i am absolutely sure that you want to avoid any of those scenarios as it will adversely affect your chances to get into college.

So, you need to find out if the teacher / professor wants you to write this paper in a specific format. The most common choices for early essay writing are either APA or ML:A format. I suggest that you run a Google check for the format that your teacher requires and then provide the proper in-text and bibliography citations for your sources. I am trying to prevent any accusations of plagiarism on your work which is why I would like you to ask your professor / teacher about what format you should be using and then format the paper accordingly. Believe me, your future education depends upon that detail that seems very minor, but has far reaching effects on your future.

Now, just to recap, there are 2 things that you need to accomplish in order to make this essay work better for you. First, create a convincing thesis statement for your opening paragraph in order to introduce your reader to your persuasive essay. Then, the most important thing that you have to do is properly cite and format your paper in order to avoid plagiarism issues.

Good luck on both counts. I hope that I can read your revised essay in this thread soon :-)

Undergraduate / Risking it all: UC Personal Statement [3]

Jerry, the way that you developed the essay is all wrong. You are concentrating on your parent's struggles to start a new life and give you and your siblings a new future instead of concentrating on yourself. The essay that you presented does not offer the correct response to the prompt provided. What you have given the reviewer is a background of your parent's life. Not your life. There is no real quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or personal experience on your part located within this essay. The essay you developed speaks 80 % of the time about your parents and not yourself. So you cannot use this essay for this prompt. However, you can use this essay for prompt number 1.

I believe that you should just change the slant of your prompt so that you won't have to write a totally new essay. Don't even try to make this essay fit the prompt because that is not going to work. The direction of your story is just too different from the actual prompt requirements. If you analyze the content of your essay, it is really better suited to the following prompt requirement:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

From the way I analyzed your essay information, the background about your parents and how they have helped you develop your future plans really fall under the criteria for this prompt better than the one that you originally chose. The information you have chosen to share with the reviewer really falls more under the identity and background requirements of this prompt than anything else. I hope that you will consider changing the prompt instead.

Should you opt to stick to the original prompt that you tried to respond to, you will need to revise your essay in order to really show a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you and no, successfully helping your father install a sprinkler system for one day does not count in this instance.

What you have to discuss is something that you are proud of because you accomplished it on your own. For example, you can say that you have a talent for developing simple farming solutions. Then one time, you saw your father having a hard time regarding some chore he had to do at one farm and it got you to thinking about a simple solution to the problem. You can explain the simple solution that you developed and how it successfully helped your father complete his task. That is certainly a personal talent and accomplishment that should be important to you. So you should definitely be proud of it because it has helped you become a better person.

This essay should not focus on your parents if you opt to stick to the original prompt. My personal opinion, is that you should just use the prompt I suggested for this essay so that you won't have to write a totally new essay. That is, unless you want to write a new essay so you can better respond to the prompt of your choice. The decision is yours :-)

Undergraduate / "Fashion to me means how one expresses themselves in a creative way..." FIT admissions essay [3]

Jessica, I would like to call your attention to the final part of your essay where you discuss why you believe that you are the perfect candidate for FIT. While you do present some pretty strong general reasons for being an excellent FIT student, you are saying the same things that the other one thousand applicants will be saying. thus making that final paragraph really weak and uninteresting. So we have to strengthen that aspect of the application prompt in one way or another.

My idea is to present yourself as the perfect candidate for FIT based upon your existing associate degree in Fashion Merchandising and Marketing. Being a previous college graduate, although only of a 2 year course, you have an edge over the other FIT applicants already. You have the prior background and training that will help you excel at a higher level than the regular FIT student. So utilize this strength and let it help set you apart from the other applicants.

One way that you can do this is by mentioning some of the classes that you look forward to attending at FIT during the upcoming semester. Explain how your background in so and so class during your undergraduate years have more than prepared you to handle the more complex version of this class at FIT. Always fall back on your previous academic foundation as one of the strongest reasons why you will be the perfect FIT student candidate. By convincing the reviewer that you will not only excel, but help raise the standards of an FIT student, you will be able to present yourself as a stand out and exceptional student applicant.

If you can convince the reviewer that your theoretical knowledge in Fashion Design and Marketing can combine with your work experience in order to create the perfect FIT student, then your admissions essay will have excellently performed its task. You have excellent writing skills, although there are some grammar corrections that need to be addressed. I am confident that you will be able to come up with the proper final paragraph for your essay that will fall well within the required maximum word count. Good luck with your revision :-)

Undergraduate / 'Tell us about your college career to date ...' - UW Seattle Personal Statement - Academic Elements [5]

Muhammed, you did very well in explaining the dire circumstances that affected your final grade point average. While it a negative aspect of your personality as a student, the essay required you to present that fact in order to help the reviewer evaluate your overall grade transcript. UW seems to be a university that takes all aspects of a student's accomplishments into consideration when considering admission so by properly providing the information about your grades and offering an acceptable explanation for it, as the prompt requires, you were able to connect on a deeper level with the reviewer. Don't remove that part, it is an integral part of your essay response, even though it sounds negative, it has a positive impact on the overall content of your essay as required by the prompt.

As I reviewed your essay, I noticed that you did not really provide a strong enough reason for your desire to transfer from BC to UW. the prompt question listing specifically asks you to state the reasons for your desire to transfer. It can't be as simple as you just want to transfer to UW because of the curriculum. Most universities that offer the same courses alsho shar ethe same curriculum for purposes of grade crediting with transfer students. It has to be something more convincing like, maybe, UW offering a more interesting internship program for the students, having specific course offerings that you feel will better relate to how you wish to develop your career, or maybe UW is located closer to where you live... The reasons are varied, numerous and quite interesting. Try to find the most interesting reasons for your transfer. It will help convince the reviewer that your transfer is based upon an urgent academic and professional need than just a whim.

Upon first glance, it would seem that you are more than prepared to enroll in this major. You have a pretty solid essay which requires slight revisions in order to better address the prompt but overall, it delivers a positive image of you as a transfer student. However, the current essay may still be revised depending upon the reasons that you present for your interest in switching schools. If you are dealing with a maximum word count at the moment, I want you to tally disregard that. Just write the essay and we will edit it down to the correct word count as we polish it. It is always easier to shorten an essay than to try to make an accurate word count essay respond to the required prompts.

Undergraduate / Destroy and Build the Word with Scissors - CommonApp Essay about Personal Dilemma [10]

Sanak, do me and the reviewer a favor and divide your essay into specific paragraphs please. Right now, the essay is getting difficult to read and the topics are harder to keep track of because the discussion is not divided into topic paragraphs. If you are to properly develop this essay, you need to separate the discussion in order to get more room for idea development and presentation.

When you discuss the way that you were enthralled by the entry of the storm troopers in the movie, don't just say that you were transfixed. This is the portion where you can discuss the "magic" of movie making and your first experience in the "taking apart and putting things together" in the sense of movie making. Try to come up with a discussion with your father about the scene that you saw. Come up with questions like "How did they make a Stormtrooper?" or "How did the Millenium Falcon fly?" Or, if you really want to get into the breakdown of a movie character in the sense of your scissor fascination, "Why does Darth Vader have a helmet on and why does he have all those buttons on his chest?" Then you can come back around and have your father respond to your questions with only one answer that told you you wanted to be a movie making scissor. His response has just got to be (in my opinion). "Son, that is the cutting edge of movie magic. In movie editing, you can take things apart scenes and put them back together to make something unique and interesting for people to watch. " Then you can explain that Star Wars was the movie that taught you how having a scissor personality is a good, not bad thing. You just needed to learn how to redirect the destructive energy into positive actions.

I would skip the discussion about your extra curricular activities and just concentrate on your scissor personality in relation to movie making. Explain instead that this is the personality that led you say make home movies or become a Youtube contributor. Show the development of your maturity in the sense of your career choice or perhaps the way that you found to redirect the creative forces within you :-)

Once you revise the essay to slant in that manner, I strongly believe that you will also be able to use the same essay, with some minor revisions, as the personal statement prompt for UC as well. Just make sure that you are not submitting prompt 5 to the same university because the reviewer will not appreciate a rehashed essay. You want to avoid self-plagiarism as all costs :-)

Graduate / Letter of Motivation For Game Developer in Norwegian University Programme [9]

Hey Muhammad, I really like the latter part of your essay that discusses your career plans and how you feel that the master's degree course will help you further heighten your future career achievements. Simply concentrating on these aspects of your professional achievements will already be enough to call the attention of the reviewer to your application. Those parts of the essay are truly the strongest and most relevant points of your essay. That said, I would like to call your attention to the weakest portions of the essay because its inclusion weakens the impact of your theme immensely.

Revise the beginning of your essay. The reviewer is not interested in the story of your childhood and how you wanted to own a video game. As a master's degree student, you should be far beyond those childhood whims that fueled your interest in Game Development. After all, you already have the college degree and work experience to prove that you have more enough abilities to have turned those childhood interests into a reality. Right now, the interest of the reviewer is on how you, as a professional, see yourself achieving greater heights or accomplishments as a game developer.

By focusing your essay on the fact that you have the professional acumen and exposure to the various game fields, you will be able to depict the reasons why you have a keen interest in higher academic studies in Game Development. You have a pretty solid hands-on and academic experience in relation to the field and you have also been faced with the rapid advancement and growth of the various gaming platforms. Explain your interest in enrolling in masters degree studies based upon that foundation. In order to keep up with the game, you need to develop your theoretical and practical skills in relation to the field. That is the reason for your interest in masters studies. Nothing more, nothing less.

When you discuss:

my plans of starting my own business in gaming industry after I finish my education.

Do your best to expand upon this thought. Explain a line of research that you look forward to beginning at the university that will help you realize your dream of owning your own business. Describe the way that you want to have this company that will redefine the gaming industry in the same way that the IPhone redefined how we use the mobile phones. Make this part very strong and memorable. We want to utilize this portion in creating the most memorable content for your essay. It should resonate and be memorable to the reviewer in order to be most effective for your purpose.

For the closing, there is no need to thank the reviewer for reading your application. It is his job to do so. Instead, just close the essay with a final paragraph that depicts how excited you are to combine the new learning process you will be undertaking along with your current skills and the skills you are sure to develop at the university. That is sufficient enough for an ending.

Undergraduate / Out of the few universities that I visited and applied for, UCF stood out the most. COLLEGE ESSAY! [10]

Vineeth, no, the paragraph about how you felt at home when you visited UCF is not at all condescending. All the universities try to go for that sense of "home" for their students. However, the information that you used to describe why you had that feeling doesn't blend well with the expectations of a reviewer. You need to get more specific about why you felt at home during that visit to UCF.

My suggestion, is that you mention a few activities that you noted during your visit. Explain that these activities helped you feel at home for a specific reason. The format of that within the paragraph should be: " activity - reason for interest - connection to the sense of home" So you can keep the word count down, you can either choose the one most influential extra curricular activity that you want to participate in or, choose 2 of the activities that you will most likely be enjoying on campus.

By the way, when you discuss the reasons that you opted academically for UCF, try to mention some specific computer or general classes that you know only UCF offers. Then explain why you feel that such classes are important for your overall development as a computer science student. That or those classes will be the most or some of the most important reasons that UCF stood out for you. Remember, the most unique the reason for it standing out, the better your chance of catching the reviewer's attention :-)