Essays / HELP ME WITH ARGUMENTATIVE ESSAY - Abortion? Social Media? [2]

Amelia , I am not sure what kind of help you need from us because you did not indicate it in your posting. Normally, we can assist you with the revision and editing of your essay once you have already completed the work. Since you have not done any writing yet, we can't help you out. You chose a relevant topic to replace the abortion one with. You just need to create a good thesis statement for it and then do your research so you can create a draft. I am not sure what you want to write about in relation to this topic so you will need to enlighten me once you have drafted your essay. If you are looking for a professional writing service though, we cannot help you. We do not write the papers, we merely edit, revise, and comment on the work you have already done. If you require one one one help in the development of your essay, you may want to look up our SERVICES section. We might be able to offer you better assistance there when it comes to developing your paper from scratch.

Undergraduate / A healthcare-related experience or interaction that deepened your interest in studying Nursing [2]

Jess , let me stop you right now with the development of this essay. Under absolutely no circumstance can you use your chosen age as the epiphany reference in this essay. The reviewer will read that as an exaggeration and immediately think that you are writing a work of fiction in response to the prompt in order to create an impression. If you are not old enough to sit on on the doctor's appointment, you are definitely too young to have that eye opening and future developing realization. You can still use the story of your mother, but you need to revise the presentation to be of a more believable age on your part. Say you were 15 or 16, that would be acceptable, 9 years old is just too unbelievable and will harm your application. Stick with simply saying, "when I was younger". That way you create a generic age reference in the situation that can be immediately overlooked and not necessarily questioned by the reviewer.

The story about the nurse is not convincing enough. We are talking about a nurse performing her task in a medical setting. While she did go out of her way to make you and your mother feel comfortable, there was nothing in that incident that stood out as something that could have truly created an impact and influenced you to become a nurse. If you had spoken about how your mother responded to the nurses treating her and how they made her treatments more bearable, which would have created a more interesting impression and truly influenced your decision to become a nurse, then the inclusion of that story would have been more acceptable.

Undergraduate / Endless possibilities awaiting me. Global UGRAD Program candidacy [3]

Lê , the information that you indicated in this essay truly explains why you would make an excellent academic participant in the UGrad program. It does not explain why you would make an overall notable candidate for participation. Those are two different things. While you excel academically, you do not portray yourself as a well rounded individual with varied interests and activities that could be beneficial to you and those participating in the program along with you. That is the focal point of this essay. How will your participation in this semester's program make it a better UGrad semester for all participants? What is your non-academic purpose for joining the program? How can you promote an understanding of your own culture within the UGrad community? What do you hope to learn from others? This is not an ordinary personal statement. This is your only opportunity to prove that you can do a "hands across the seas" type of thing by promoting international relations between your country and the other participants from other areas of the world. What do you hope to accomplish as a participant? Why is it important to you that you do this alongside your academic studies? Make me believe that you are a person who will promote international camaraderie during this semester. I don't get that sense from this current version.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Process) : The production of a lead pencil [3]

Apinan, while you wrote a little over the minimum word count, you need to provide at least 4 paragraphs for the Task 1 essay. Aim to write at least 200 words in order to have a better chance of delivering a fully analytical, informative, and English proficient essay to the examiner. In order to achieve this count, you have to write 5 sentences per paragraph. This will allow you to get the highest possible scoring consideration for all 4 criteria. Your summary overview needs to have a complete representation of the prompt you were given. That means, it has to include the discussion instructions in its presentation. The discussion instruction has to be represented because it is assumed that you are writing a report for someone who will not have access to the information you were given for analysis. I am suggesting that you write the summary paragraph in the following manner.

A directional illustration was presented for analysis. The procedure covers the manufacturing process of a lead pencil. There are three steps in the manufacturing process namely; planting the trees, manufacturing, and finally, packaging. This essay will explain the process and offer a comparison of similar situations whenever necessary.

You should be preparing the reader for the change in paragraph presentations, since this is procedural summary presentation, by using transition sentences at the end of each paragraph. The transition sentence must introduce the next step in the process so that the reader is not shocked when the procedure changes or a new topic is introduced in the next paragraph. This will also show the examiner that you have an analytical thought process as you think of how to connect the procedures in an informative manner rather than just talking about stand alone points.

By fully analyzing the procedures and expanding upon your explanations whenever possible you should not have a problem creating a 200 word count, 4 paragraph essay that will score highly.

Undergraduate / The graduation ceremony in Japan - your extracurricular activities 250words [4]

Tianhui, this is not a very impressive essay presentation. It is not an activity that you regularly did which would depict a continuous growth in your personality and character traits. This sort of activity is the kind that the reviewers do not pay attention to because of the shallowness of the participation and the unimpressive development that you had during your participation in this activity. What you have to present is an extra curricular activity that shows a continued participation and a worth ethic development throughout the process. I know you tried to make this essay sound impressive and important but it actually isn't. The misconception is that if you make it sound important, then it is important. If there is no real growth to be displayed stemming from the extra curricular activity or job that you did, then it is not really an effective after school activity or work experience.

Writing Feedback / Effective Public Speaking - speech anxiety is a common thing [3]

Kenny , the term "throughout my life" is misplaced. That term is usually used to refer to the lifelong interests or admiration that a deceased person has for another. Try not to use the term "However" too much in the speech. Use a thesaurus to vary the word usage so that you can avoid having reader or listener fatigue set in as you deliver this speech. Use past tense for referencing anything Steve Jobs has done because it has already happened. Saying "he would read his speech from" indicates a future action. He is already dead so the term is "he often read" or "he read his speech from". Look for all the instances where your present and future tenses should be made past tense. There are a number of them in this speech. Go through the paragraphs one by one to locate these errors. Overall, this is an engaging, interesting, and informative speech. However, the problem with the tense usage distracts from the presentation and causes stress on both the reader and the listener. It would be best for you to address that problem in order to create the smoothest possible presentation for your speech.

Graduate / University of Waterloo - Masters - Why you chose this University? [2]

Anshul, remove the first half of the essay that refers to your search for a university and the consultation with the graduate admissions coordinator. These are not helpful to your essay because it makes it obvious that Waterloo is not your first choice university. Try not to inform the reviewer about that because it makes it seem like you are not really interested in their university but you are enrolling there because you don't have any other choice. Focus your response on the good side of Waterloo instead. That means, build up the second paragraph by expanding the discussion parameters related to the curriculum, the academic and non-academic extra curricular activities, and any other program or reasons that will show that you have a keen interest in the teaching method used by the university. Be specific in terms of courses that interest you, professors you want to study with, and projects you wish to engage in. This is a simple discussion with serious considerations on the part of the reviewer so make sure that you utilize the positive considerations as best as you can. Show a familiarity with the university and its offerings that will prove this was not just a first choice, but an only choice university on your part.

Undergraduate / Correlation between my interests and the possibilities at Purdue University [3]

Tianhui, please consider doing some research regarding Purdue in relation to the type of extra curricular and academic related training you will receive from them with regards to your interest in landscape architecture. This prompt is one that seeks to ensure that you actually know what you are getting into by enrolling at Purdue. Being a serious student, the reviewer wants to know how you can fully utilize the facilities of the university. That means, you are expected to prove, within 100 words, that you are familiar with the course curriculum and the demands of the course. That is why you need to prove the depth at which you are willing to go in order to ensure that you get high grades and that you will be able to utilize the architectural training that will be offered to you by the university. Use 50 words to describe one academic pursuits within the classroom and the other 50, should be used to refer to an extra curricular activity that will either support your development in your chosen major or an extra curricular activity that will allow you develop your social skills and help you to blend in with your student community of Purdue. That is what the reviewer wants to read about here. How will you develop the 2 sides of your personality, as a student and as a person, during your time at the university? Answer that and the statement will be complete.

Undergraduate / Study Plan for Global Korea Scholarship (GKS) Student Exchange Program. [3]

Andi , you should work on developing a more relevant response to the essay prompt. Your goal of study is too simple. It does not make the reviewer believe that studying in Korea will help you advance your cultural studies in English Linguistics and Literature while you are a student in the country. It will be best if you outline your responses before you actually write the draft statement. In the outline, I want you to consider the following for each prompt:

Reasons / Purpose of application:
1. Why did you decide to study in Korea when you are already enrolled in a decent university in your country?
2. Why did you choose Korea instead of an English speaking country to study in when you are studying English Linguistics and Literature?
3. What makes you believe that studying this degree in Korea will be more beneficial than studying in your own country or an English speaking country?

Goal of Study:
1. What is the motivation behind your desire to study this course in Korea?
2. Discuss the kind of training program under this major that you will undergo in Korea which makes it stand out as an academic strength for your studies.

3. What is your objective for studying in Korea?
4. What kind of thesis project do you hope to work on towards the end of your studies? Present a temporary thesis statement that you might work on and explain how you plan to research and develop that statement when it comes time to do so.

5. Explain how this research will benefit you or your country upon your return to your home country.

Your current goals relate too much to an interest in Korea as a non-English speaking country. Yet your course focuses on the English language. So there is a disconnection between the two. You need to reconcile the fact that Korea does not speak English as a native language. So there doesn't seem to be any sense in your choice of course and desire to study in Korea. You need to create a connection between the two within your study plan in order to convince the reviewer that you will benefit from studying English related courses in a non-English speaking country.

Undergraduate / Common App: Personal essay - Idealistic me [2]

@vabhu12 the dialogue and interaction at the start of the essay is totally unnecessary. You are writing an academic essay, not a creative essay. So you have to get to the point sooner rather than later in the presentation. If the reviewer thinks that you are wasting his time with the opening presentation, he is going to move on. He doesn't have the time to waste wading through your introduction because he has a hundred more essays to get through in one day. It would be better if you just incorporate that discussion into the actual essay discussion presentation that you wrote. This essay definitely represents a period of personal growth. If you want to keep the dialogue, then use it at the end of the essay. Make it shorter and less suspenseful. Discuss the essay in a manner that showcases the series of failures until you came to the realization of your mistake in the presentations, how you corrected it, then close with the dialogue about how the last meeting went. Only this time, open with a hopeful note and just go directly to the statement of approval from the principal and your response to it. That should close the essay in a more interesting and engaging manner.

Essays / Persuasive essay - research questions [2]

@THCbakesME it all depends upon the persuasive slant that you will be taking. Normally, I advice my students to use a compare and contrast format in writing a persuasive essay because it allows you to better develop the discussion. That means, it also allows you to create more relevant questions in support of, against, and in a neutral position regarding the given topic. By discussing in the comparative manner, you allow yourself to weaken the other discussion in a subtle way, while also strengthening your presentation through the development of a stronger discussion. Balancing the questions and answers in such a manner that still slant towards supporting your personal point of view helps you to develop a highly persuasive discussion. Your questions should be based on whatever your thesis statement is though, with additional questions as follow ups in a manner that will help you create the type of essay discussion you desire to present to your reader.

Undergraduate / Pitzer supplement essay: Sustainability and Social Responsibility [3]

vabhavi, you may want to reconsider the presentation of your activities with the organizations. The purpose of this essay is to prove that you are an up and coming leader who shares the CSR and ES values of Pitzer. This is best depicted by showcasing your leadership skills in these areas. While you did present some nice information about the activities that you participated in. The mere participation in the events do not make it impressive to read about. What you have to do is make it sound exciting. Improve upon the presentation by focusing on your participation in the project or organization. What was your position? What were your duties? How did you contribute to the success of the project? These are considerations that will help to prove the alignment of your interests with the core values of Pitzer. Right now, it has a general presentation and does not really help you to set yourself apart from the other project participants. We need to separate you from the group in order to entice the reviewer to consider your application.

Undergraduate / UIUC APP ESSAY - Combining my quantitate and qualitative skills for UIUC [3]

Nomika, you have to reformat your response to the prompt. The way you have it written, it appears that you did not have an interest in your chosen major until you decided to pay a campus visit to the university. That should not be the case, the campus visit should not be mentioned at all in this essay because the major that you chose, the development of the interest in that major, and the activities that you undertook in order to prepare for this college major must have been done before the visit to the university. You must be in an ongoing activity that helps you to develop and create a solid foundation for your major upon your entry to the university. The fact that you visited the university and then decided on a major makes it sound like you do not have a solid ambition in life nor a true choice for a major as a college degree. That is why you need to rephrase this essay in a manner that shows the continuing interest in this major with activities that have been in existence for its development long before you visited the campus. Leave the university and the campus visit out of your narration in the revised essay. It should not be mentioned at all.

Writing Feedback / The development of video - What Makes a Video Go Viral? [3]

@vupu65130 There are a number of informative elements missing from your essay. The first, is the meaning of a viral video. What is the history of the word? How was it coined? What does it mean when a video goes viral? Most importantly, why is it the ambition of every person who makes an uploaded video to make that said piece of film go viral? What does kind of pleasure or sense of accomplishment does one get when a video goes viral? What are the reasons that one should aim to make the video viral and most importantly, should one really consider it an honor to have his video go viral? If yes, then why? Those are the questions that will help to enhance the meaning of a viral video and why it is important for most people that a video go viral. It is not enough to explain what makes the video go viral. It is also important to inform the reader as to the reasons why this trend of going viral is something that video makers ambition for.

Please have your essay professionally proofread before you submit it. That is after you make revisions to the content. There are a number of wrong vocabulary words in use such as mine when you meant to say mind and, in this era of developed information access, not information developed. A host of other errors exist in your sentence development but it would be futile to address those mistakes at this point because you have to revise the content of your essay. Please make sure that you proof read and edit the essay after you have finalized the content. These are the aspects of grading that could lower your final score.

Essays / Starting Huckleberry Finn! [12]

You can actually have your choice of symbolism and moderately thorough explanations of the symbolism and its importance by doing a simple Google search using the exact keywords that you typed here. I found a number of them that may be helpful to you in making your decision as to which of these to discuss in your essay. You can do search words using the Mississippi River, The Widow Douglas, and Huck Finn himself. For that you can look up the explanations over at brightthehubeducation.com or information from shmoop.com and sparknotes. All of these sites can help you not just in choosing the 3 symbolism images for the essay, but they also offer clear explanations to help you understand why that is so. That way, you can easily develop your original essay based on accurate discussions and explanations from others.

Undergraduate / A brief statement outlining your interest in the field of architecture [3]

Tianhui, your statement is more in response to a Fine Arts question rather than an architectural response. Drawing and panting align itself more with the arts rather than the scientific presentation of architectural design. One uses a color profile while the other uses numbers and observations of an environment in order to create a responsive and usable design. There is a marked difference between the two and your response is a direct reflection of these differences. You have to develop a different statement that more aligns itself with your interest in line definition, usable spaces, and the environment within which a structure is created in order to provide an outline of your interest in architecture. What you have right now should be used only if you are applying to fine arts courses or interior design courses. These answers do not provide an insight into your architectural interests.

Writing Feedback / The changes in annual spending in particular UK School : WRITING TASK 1 IELTS [2]

@ppbbjakarta An analysis essay does not place important information within parenthesis. Information such as the years for analysis and the measurement type are always presented as part of the normal presentation because these are not optional information. These are the foundation information that your analysis is taking from and should be highlighted in the presentation of the opening paraphrase. The opening paraphrase / summary that you presented is right on the mark. Except, you forgot to include the thesis statement at the end. That is the paraphrase of the instruction sentence from the original prompt. Bear in mind that in the task 1 essay, it is assumed that the reader will not have access to the original prompt and therefore, needs a complete summary of the upcoming information and other important data for the creation of the analytical report. That said, your TA score will be based on your opening statement. The work that you did in that section tells me that your score for this would be a 5 at the most.

The presentation of the body of paragraphs should have been allotted for the presentation of the different measurements per pie chart. One paragraph per chart, with the 4th paragraph reserved for the comparison of similar information as indicated by the original prompt. Since the pie charts do not share similar information, the best method of comparison in this scenario would have been to allot the remaining 4 paragraphs for a similarity analysis based upon individual criteria. It should have been one comparison paragraph each for insurance, teacher's salaries, furniture and equipment, resources, and other worker's salaries. The trending statement should have represented the more noticeable trend in the presentation, which would have helped you to stay within the 4 paragraph presentation for the essay.

That said, your choice of presentation is selective in presentation and also contains significant typographical errors that would have resulted in confusion for the reader (199 instead of 1991), so your C&C and GRA scoring would be a 4 because of the lack of clear progression in the discussion of information and inattention to important details in the presentation.

As far as your LR score is concerned, I believe it would earn you a 5 because of the way that you used only minimally advanced English words. The sentences you produced were enough to get the presentation done, but did not really help to convince the examiner that you have the English vocabulary to help you create an intricately presented analysis paper to the reader.

Good work though. The essay is a good effort. You show potential in your work which leads me to believe that you should be able to prepare for this test in a reasonable amount of time.

Writing Feedback / The Review of movie <Whiplash> "Good job" [2]

HuJun, a movie review must be made with an academic consideration. Your essay reeks of lack of professionalism, your frustration at having to write a paper about something you know nothing about, and your desire to simply get over with the assigned work. That shows tremendous disrespect for your reader, specially your closing comment of "Ok. That's all.". That is so disrespectful that it is tantamount to you saying "Get out of here!" If you did not want to write the paper, then it would have been better if you had not written anything at all, rather than having such a disrespectful tone throughout the essay. You must change your tone to a respectful, academic representation of your work if you wish to have the reader consider you not familiar with the topic of the film, but still trying to do your best to present a good enough movie review for it.

Having seen this movie myself, I can tell you that it is not a movie without an ending. In fact, the ending shows that Neiman won his musical showdown with his teacher as his teacher stopped at the end and the film faded to black with Neiman still playing on the drums. The ending is clear. He beat the abusive teacher at his own game. His character in the movie is strong and knows how to get what he wants. He had no distractions and anything or anyone that serves to distract him, can be discarded immediately.

What slant did you plan to use for the review? Was it a comparison of characters based on strengths and weaknesses? That is what I think you tried to do here. Unfortunately, you did not compare the characters point by point, using similarities that are clear in the film (both are headstrong and refuse to be beaten by the other) so your review was not really accurate.

You have to focus the review on a particular comparison point or theme in the essay in order to make it more effective. Your current presentation lacks a concentration on a discussion point, which is why it is confusing to read (aside from your many grammatical errors that cause stress on the reader), and doesn't really make a point at the end of the discussion.

Essays / Yale Young African scholars Essay Prompts 2018 - looking for hints [3]

Sebastian, we cannot help you in writing these essays because we have no idea what it is that you want to say, should say, and what experiences you have in relation to the prompt requirements. You have to write these essays yourself and then post the essays individually at this forum for review and advice. It is only after you write the actual essay that we can step in to help you out so that you can create a striking, interesting, and relevant essay based upon the prompt requirements. There are no right or wrong responses for the essay, only misdirected responses, which we can help you out with provided you have already written a draft of the essay. If you don't write it, we can't help you. If you have a problem with writing the total essay, but you know what it is that you want to say, then maybe you would like to consider looking into our Services page for more stress free essay development assistance. We can't help you at this point because there are no essays to review yet. Get started with the drafts and we will be happy to assist you as best as we can as soon as you post the essays individually here.

Writing Feedback / It's an essay about leadership summit. What makes my presence there imperative? [2]

Nagham , this is not a proper explanation essay as to why you wish to attend this summit. Since you are limited by a word requirement, you will need to write a totally new response to the question. This time, you need to better explain how your objectives with regards to alleviating the plight of the women in your country ties in directly with the summit. Consider what the theme of the summit is this year. Then think of what the objectives of the foundation or organization that is mounting the summit are. Think about the relevance of these information to your ultimate goal or objective in terms of helping the women in your country. Consider what benefits you will gain from attending the summit in terms of networking assets of enlightening others about the plight of human rights inequality in the country you come from. Discuss those in the essay. These are the correct answers to the question being posed. These will be the reasons why you want to attend and why it is imperative that you participate in this summit.

Writing Feedback / A person's worth VS old-fashioned value : IELTS WRITNG TASK 2 [2]

The essay does not follow the correct requirements for the original prompt. The instruction prompt for this essay indicates:

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

This being an extent essay, means that you need to use emotional words to describe your opinion. Words like strongly, partially, and considerably, among others, help to evoke a sense of the degree by which your opinion carries your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. The supporting examples will be used to reiterate that opinion through a series of supporting statements of commonly known facts.

Speaking of commonly known facts, the essay prompt asks you to base your defense of your singular opinion ( as required to be discussed in this essay) on your personal knowledge or experience regarding the given information. That said, the method by which you provide examples and supporting information in the essay is incorrect. By stating that the writer needs to use examples based on personal (own) knowledge and experience, the examples from the newspaper will automatically disqualify your essay from receiving a high score in terms of task accuracy. That is because your response is not based on personal information but rather, upon research. You will not be allowed to use research in the actual test setting because the test computers will be on internet lock down.

Each paragraph should not be more than 5 sentences in response. You will need to learn how to use the following format for each body paragraph:

1. Topic sentence
2. Explanation 1
4. Explanation 2
5. Example

That is the best method by which to present your responses. Do not use tremendously long sentence that will qualify as a run-on sentence. Do not rely on using commas to connect separate thoughts either. You will end up presenting incoherent sentences that way. You made that mistake in the opening statement, and the concluding statement. The 5 sentence rule applies in both instances. The rule of thumb is, no less than 3, no more than 5 sentences per paragraph.

That said, this is a good first effort, but you require further guidance in the proper presentation format and tightening of the sentence presentations in order to gain a high mark for this essay. You have the potential to gain at least a score of 8 in your presentations. You just need to practice and apply corrections in order to improve your presentation. You show that you understand the prompt to a certain extent, you need to familiarize yourself with the different discussion formats for the Task 2 essay in order to understand the correct approach to the discussion. Try to read the examples here, that will help you understand the different essay requirements for this test.

Undergraduate / The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph [4]

Isabella , a minor biography who who Ana is would be more appropriate for this essay, along with the dialogue of admiration that you included. You have to also remember, that the reviewer does not know who this person is. So aside from her academic accomplishments, which are truly notable, you will need to let him know how successful Ana became in order to create a clearer picture as to why you would have chosen her as a role mode. What academic or profession related accomplishment that she have which told you that she was worthy of emulation? Based upon your understanding of who Ana is, what her work ethic is, and what set her apart from other women in the STEM field of your country, how did you use her as your inspiration? You are explaining to the reviewer what you understood about Ana, but you are not telling or showing how this understanding inspired who you are today and why you are persistent in pursuing your ambitions. What is the significant influence that she had on you? I don't get the sense of that in this essay. It needs to be developed in a more informative and, if possible, dramatic manner in order to better reflect the symbolism she stands for in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Should recycling be a legal requirement? IELTS ESSAY [5]

eli, it is unfortunate that your essay cannot score higher than a band score of 2 based on overall scoring considerations. . You cannot be given a higher grade consideration because, although you attempted to present a position in every paragraph, there is a lack of full discussion development and presentation of supporting ideas. The essay is composed of repetitive information that does not really represent any particular side, offer solid evidence to support the topic sentence, which should have been in the form of an opinion, does not represent any personal experience related to the topic as based on the prompt requirements. Due to the under developed presentation and the lack of a concluding statement in the essay, the work you did cannot get even a slightly passing score. The discussion you made was just good enough to address the task in the simplest manner, but not enough to consider it a strong discussion with relevant supporting information. Since this is your first posting at this forum, I will assume that you are just starting your IELTS review at this point. Don't be too disappointed with your score. Persevere and keep practicing so that you can improve your work. If you continue to post your work here, we can collectively help you improve your writing abilities over time.

The main reason your essay failed is because you kept repeating your prompt paraphrase throughout the essay. It shows that you either did not understand the instructions or, you do not have any personal knowledge regarding the given topic. Try to read more English materials in order to increase your English cultural references and current events information. That will help you better prepare for the popular topics normally discussed in the IELTS essay.

Letters / My letter to express my scientific interest in applying for the Doctor Program in Mathematics. [2]

Phi, the only part of this letter that you can use is the fourth paragraph that discusses the reasons why you chose to apply for your PhD at this university. The earlier parts of the letter are more inclined to represent your personal statement instead of a motivation letter. The motivation letter should be comprised of information that shows a number of things regarding your career.

The motivation letter must first, indicate when and how you discovered your had an interest in Probability and Statistics. This early foundation should also portray the development of your interest in the field. From there, move on to your immediate past exposure in the field that resulted in your enrolling in the masters program. What drove you to pursue that level of higher learning? Now that your education there is almost completed, what are the other existing driving factors that push you to immediately enroll in a PhD program even without having any additional professional experience in the field yet?

Your motivation in this aspect must be stronger than simply having a ready scholarship from your government or something similar. Those are very weak reasons to pursue the PhD course. You have to convince the reviewer that you have a valid professional, career growth reason that makes you feel an immediate need to continue your education rather than working for a few years before you apply for admission to a PhD course. You need a strong enough reason to convince the reviewer that you qualify for immediate enrollment soon after completing your masters course.

Undergraduate / USC supplementary essay About Robotics and psychology field [2]

@phe201 We have a one essay per thread policy at this forum so I will only be able to respond to the first essay response that you posted. You will need to start a new thread for the second essay as the admin will delete that essay once they see that there are 2 essays in one thread.

The first paragraph is actually unnecessary in response to the prompt. That sort of backgrounder will only be relevant in a personal statement response. Your second paragraph is a direct response to the prompt which will capture the interest of the reviewer far more than the first paragraph can. The only problem with that response is that it is limited in scope. You have 250 words to use in the essay. You have to use it to show the reviewer that you actually have a plan for study at the university. The prompt is designed in such a way that it makes you think about how you will spend your time as a student at the university. So tailor the response to that requirement. Do some research on YouTube, look up the university website, search for student blogs in relation to your chosen major. Learn what the current students are doing to pursue their academic interests at USC both during official academic time and extra curricular times.

The idea is to show the reviewer that you know what you are getting into at the university, you will not waste your time as a student there, you are a serious student of your chosen major, and you plan to excel in the field even before you graduate by pursuing important and relevant interests as supported by the university, its curriculum, its extra curricular activities, and its other related programs.

Use the full 250 words to showcase your familiarity with the university and how you can be successful as a professional by the time you receive your diploma at the end of your undergraduate years.

Writing Feedback / University is the better route than school to reach successful career [3]

fiZa, I do not think that you can score higher than a 6 with this type of essay. The reason that I scored you within that bracket is because the essay has good topic sentences but you do not know how to properly present your discussion so that your thought process is clear and understandable to the reader. You have clear problems with cohesiveness and coherence in all your sentences because you are always missing a clear topic sentence and, there are times when it seems like you are presenting a sentence from the middle, instead from the start of the thought development presentation. These grammatical and sentence structure errors prevented you from gaining a score that could be higher than a 6. You must constantly practice writing complete English sentences in order to address this problem. Fill in the blanks sentence development exercises will help tremendously towards improving your sentence structure and development predicament. Some examples of your unclear sentence presentations are:

1. Your whole opening statement
2. . For this reason, that studying at university is widely accepted.
3. So, people in areas need to gain practical familiarity with relevant subject.

You must focus on learning how to develop simple English sentences first. The problem with your essay always relates to your inability to properly develop sentences and paragraphs that will be understandable to the reader. So you have to focus on grammar exercises and the presentation of your sentences, without using prompt requirements first. You can do this by reading English articles and then just writing what you understand about it. Explain it on paper and have us check it for clarity of presentation. Once you get used to presenting clear explanations, you will be able to properly respond to prompt statements already.

Letters / Cover letter for accountant position [3]

Khan, are you writing this letter for an actual job application or for an IELTS letter writing test? Those are 2 different types of letters with two different contents and presentation slants. An IELTS letter has specific prompt requirements that need to be represented so I would need a list of those requirements in order to judge your letter. As an actual job application letter though, this is not a very effective introduction. It sounds too academic, rather than professional in nature. It is so academic in presentation that I thought at first, that I was reading a statement of purpose which was written in the wrong format.

The cover letter should only ask the reader to take note of certain highlights in your CV by presenting a bullet form presentation of your academic achievements and work accomplishments, along with some notable employee traits. By using the bullet form presentation, you make the letter easier to read and allow the HR person to scan for highlights that may be of interest to him and push him to read your actual CV so you can be seriously considered for the position.

By the way, you don't address the letter to the HR Department. The proper format for this block letter is as follows:

Date

Your name
Your Contact information

Name of person in charge of HR
his position in the HR
The company name

or

Human Resources Department
Company Name
Company Company contact information

To Whom It May Concern;

I came across you job opening advertisement in...

Graduate / Why do I want to pursue Coastal Science and Policy? My passion for marine conservation [7]

Here is an extra advice. Normally we would not give one unless you help other students, please ;)

I am making reference to the opening paragraph that indicates; "I once belonged to that clan of self-righteous armchair conservationists ..." The term "clan" pertains to, by definition, "a group of families or households,". Since the essay makes reference to a family background for your interests, the reviewer will take the opening statement as a reference to the collective mindset and action of your family. That does not work in this sort of essay. It is either you refer directly to your family in reference to the important information required in the essay or you do not refer to it at all.

By indicating a "clan", that means that your family reacts to environmental problems in that manner. Which, you are now saying, is not what you are referring to. In order to avoid confusion on the part of the reviewer, it will be best if you remove that paragraph instead. You do not need to replace it with anything or any other statement. Your second paragraph makes a very strong opening statement should you decide to use it as such.

Graduate / Why do I want to pursue Coastal Science and Policy? My passion for marine conservation [7]

The first line about the arm chair conservationists is not necessary. Did you notice that you just said that without actually developing a convincing discussion or connecting it properly to any aspect of the required information from the prompt? Exactly. Stop forcing a piece of irrelevant information into the essay. It does not help move the essay forward and only hinders a smooth development of the discussion presentation. Your family participation, when told as a forced part of the essay because there is no real relevance to their participation on the development of your interest, creates a vacuum of information in the essay. That is because the family information is a lie. As a fictitious piece of information, it will not help to heighten the interest in your essay. It does not even work as a hook to interest the reviewer at this point. Stop trying to add it in. You don't need to. Just present accurate facts.

Speaking of accurate facts, don't treat this essay as a research paper with sources included as an in-text citation. Everything must be paraphrased into your own experience and understanding of the prompt requirements. You are not being scored on the accuracy of your presentation. You are being judged on how your experience, both practical and theoretical, created the mindset that you have in relation to coastal science and policy. That is why the use of cited information becomes nothing more but a diversion from the actual discussion. You can still use the article, but you need to speak about it in terms of how it enlightened you regarding the problem. A summarized presentation, with an extensive personal application is what will make that information useful to your essay.

When you present the 7 month ban information, you should make sure that you present a modified version which will apply to your own project or possible policy presentation and how it applies to your interest in policy making for the coastal regions. Less reference to the original law and more reference to how it can be modified to be more relevant and applicable to current times.

The rest of the essay is acceptable and can be used as it is. Just make sure to create a smooth revision based upon the observations I made above.

Graduate / Why do I want to pursue Coastal Science and Policy? My passion for marine conservation [7]

I can only comment on the content and not on the flow because you did not present it in essay form, which would have my reviewing job easier. Unfortunately, you chose an ill effective method of presentation, which means I will only offer you the advice applicable to the format you chose. How you connect the paragraphs, will be solely up to you. You will have to develop the transition sentences and paragraphs. I cannot help you with that because of the Q&A format that you chose to present your response as.

1. What you are showing is not a passion. It is only a development of your interest. A passion should show how you were spurred to do something, no matter how simple, in response to the devastation you saw. A passionate person would have emerged from the exposure with an idea of how to solve the problem in his own way. The passion should be felt and read in an over all, implied manner in the whole essay.

2. The first paragraph is a tired definition of sustainable science and policy. That is the standard response that everyone who applies for this course gives. Try to look within you for your personal definition. Don't go for textbook responses that will not help the essay stand out. One way that you can make this response stand out is by attaching the importance of sustainable science and policy to the situation in the beach areas of Mumbai. Give a personal insight regarding the effects of over-fhishing and how natural sources must be preserved in order to make sure that the natural sea sources are preserved for generations to come. Your policy ideas will help make this paragraph stand out.

3. Your response is not appropriate. You are not being asked to discuss what you learned as a member of WTI, you are are being asked to discuss a specific marine conservation policy or coastal science regulation that you feel is overlooked but is of vital importance to protecting the marine environment. What sort of strategic marriage of analysis, expertise, and policy attracted you to the course? Use a specific rule or instance. YOu should not discuss what you expect the program to provide for you at that point because that is not part of the prompt question. Offer only answers related to the questions being asked. Do not be generic and hope that it fits the question. Research. Look for specific policies you can cite in response to the question in order to add authority to your response.

4. Your career aspirations could use a method of development in its presentation. What agency do you hope to join after completing the program in relation to your career aims? How do you see yourself helping the coastal regions of India over the first 5 years of your career? How far do you hope to progress in terms of career networking to make these a reality? For example, After graduation, I plan to join xxx where I can effect a change in 2x. 3 years down the line, I should be working as a liaison officer at ccc agency where I will influence the xxxx. After 5 years, my positions as a vvvv will prepare me for a PhD level of study in bbbb.

5. If Sajan is not writing you a recommendation letter, don't include his name as a reference in the essay. He may not be able to support your claim of knowing him if you don't have permission to mention him. Even if you don't mention him, your belief in the program and how it aligns with your goals is enough to prove your interest in the program.

6. Your documents should prove your leadership abilities. There is no reason for you to repeat that in response to the question. You need to show a familiarity with the program that will prove that you can be trained for a specific leadership role by the program. Which subjects can do that? What training or internship? What collaborations does the university offer which will mold you into the authority you hope to become? Prove that you know what the course demands of you and that you are capable of delivering the requirements in order to complete the program.

7. Your final response does not stand out. There is no remarkable achievement present on your end that will tell the reviewer that you are better qualified than the other candidates. Your achievements are too general and could be attributed to every other candidate applying for admission. You need a stand out accomplishment in this section to prove that you are a one in a million kind of student who will add to the importance, visibility, and renown of the program. How can you, as a student, help to improve the current quality of the program and how can you be of important use during your time as a student and thereafter? Your response to these questions will help your candidacy stand out from the pack.

Graduate / Focused on the why I want to pursue the master's degree than giving too much of a story [6]

There is a lack of representation as to how you will help to increase awareness about and help to improve the well being or plight of the underrepresented segment of society in your essay. You mention the problems that they have and how these have influenced you to become more involved in the cause, but there is no representation as to how these studies will help you create a more advanced response to the needs of the cause in this segment of society. Don't say you are extremely excited about the program if you have no idea which parts of the program will be of the utmost use to you in the field. Think of what kind of change you want to represent upon your return, then decide which and how the courses you will be taking can help you do that. Basically, you are being asked "What is the plan to help them?" The influence of the other groups should motivate you to develop your own solutions to the problem, so work on that angle. That is the only weak angle in the essay that I can see at the moment.

Graduate / Focused on the why I want to pursue the master's degree than giving too much of a story [6]

The same advice applies to this essay. Your backstory is not connected to the masters you wish to study, which makes the story you provided irrelevant to the last half of the essay. All information you provide must only relate to the masters degree you wish to study. The fact that you opened with a story about someone who isn't you is even more of a distraction that could make the reviewer decide not to proceed with reading your essay. You have too much unrelated backstory here. Now, if your family were in a water based business of sorts, then you could have this lengthy and boring backstory presentation. I used the term boring because your jewellery line does not relate to Coastal Science and therefore, will not be on interest to the reviewer. He will find it boring and irrelevant. He may decide you are applying for the wrong course right there and then and reject your application. If you do not make your connection within the first paragraph, your reviewer will not finish the application essay.

The idea behind this essay is to show a strong, deep, and motivational background for your desire to complete the MS studies. If you cannot include your family in the story, then do not include it. It deviates too much from the marine focus of your presentation, which is the most important part of the presentation. The first part, is totally superfluous to the specific requirements of this essay. Start from paragraph 3 onward. Those are the most relevant and applicable paragraphs in terms of prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Teachers should not make their social or political views known to students in the classroom. [4]

When a choice is given between two topics by the representation of the word "or" , the writer must opt to discuss only one of the two presentations in the essay. It will be best if you opt to discuss the topic that you are most knowledgeable about so that you can easily defend your stance within the 3 body paragraphs covering one fully discussed reason in every paragraph.

There is a difference between the social and political points of view. A social point of view refers to culture and traditions or evolving social beliefs of a country. While a political point of view is just that, all about politics as it relates to the current government handling of social concerns. These social concerns are political in nature as it refers to the wage gap, poverty discussion, employment, government policies and other similar topics. As you can see, the two topics deviate when it comes to topic coverage for discussion which is why you should only pick one or the other to discuss in the essay.

With regards to your work though, even though you discussed both topics in the essay, you represented your reasons strongly. Even the mistakes in grammar did not cause confusion for the reader so I think you could easily score a 4 with this essay. Of course there may be other scoring considerations on the part of the examiner that I may not know about so I scored you on a baseline consideration.

Graduate / Too Little time too many choices - Personal Statement for the MSC program [3]

Samruddhi, the essay has too much disconnection with the prompt requirements. All of the information that you should be presenting should focus only the information about the building of your interest in Coastal Science and Policy. So all of these backstories that are unrelated should be removed. You must kick off the story from the time you were exposed to the coastal problems at the age of 30. From there, the rest of the story falls into place. You don't have to do anything else to improve the essay because these experiences clearly relate to and respond to the prompt requirements. Don't worry about not filling 2 pages. As long as you fill one page to a page and a half, you will have effectively accomplished your goals already. The essay will be well informed and clearly depicting the development of your interest in the field. Remove the reference to the "I am writing this essay..." Just say that you have experience with a whale shark research team and so on and so forth. Needless to say, it is the last half of the original essay that actually hits the mark and can be used without revision.

Grammar, Usage / Need help with the grammar of some sentences from my sop [3]

Mengchen , since you did not post the full paragraphs that needed to be corrected, I am not sure if the corrections that will be applied to the sentences you indicated will be totally applicable and, if it will help to enhance the paragraph or not. Anyway, here are the most accurate corrections for your sentences (with possible presentation enhancements).

1. My love for health sciences was instilled in me as a child since I grew up surrounded by health professionals. Added to my love of Mathematics, these two interests combined to shape my career goal of becoming a health statistician.

2. I have been a volunteer at XXX as a backroom assistant in charge of appointment scheduling and patient data recording since December 2015.
3. Based upon my accumulated experiences, I can safely say that my interest in developing statistical methods and health sciences tools have cemented my desire to work in the statistical health science field for decades to come.

4. I have been actively pursuing self-studies in various computer languages such as Python, Java... along with theory of ... where I also studied calculus...as part of my future preparation.

5. Pursuing my Masters of Public Health in Biostatics at XXX will allow me to undergo a balanced multi-dimensional training experience.

Like I said, these are the most accurate corrections to your sentences that can be made, without my seeing the original paragraphs. You may want to consider our professional services for a more accurate review and applicable editing work on your current paper. That would be the best way to ensure that you will be submitting a perfect essay to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Statement of Purpose for Erasmus Mundus masters program in Materials Science [2]

Alao, your essay needs to be more focused on making you stand out as a candidate. At the moment, you are not really saying anything that makes your application remarkable or notable in the eyes of the scholarship reviewer. The participation that you had in various projects shows how you can work with a team but does not show any extra ordinary accomplishment that proves you have the mettle to be an outstanding scholar under the program. You need to do a lot of work on this motivation letter before it can be ready for use.

For starters, do not confuse the application with a presentation of how you were inspired to become a Civil Engineer. Instead, open the essay with information about the problems in construction that Nigeria faces, then connect that with the development of your interest in Material Science. You do not need to reestablish the development of your interest in Civil Engineering because you already established an advanced interest in that by your interest in the MSc program in Material Science.

After that, highlight your civil engineering participation in projects that have a material science relevance. All of the projects and explanations that you should be presenting in the essay must prove that you are inclined to become a successful civil engineer in the future with a focus on Material Science. It would be better for your application if you can explain how you plan to use material science to help improve the construction procedures or materials used in the creation of major infrastructure projects in Nigeria. That will help your essay to create a moment of interest and hopefully a memorable potential project for the reviewer.

Separate the discussion about your internship at the Ministry of works and your undergraduate research project. Make sure to lean towards the Materials Science discussion at all times, making sure that you stir interest in your materials science exposure as an intern. The undergraduate research project is not material science based so you should remove that from the essay. Focus only on proving your material science skills. Do not confuse the reviewer by throwing in Civil Engineering information every so often. That divides the attention and analysis of your application in the eyes of the reviewer.

Please present a 5 year career plan that does not include a reference to PhD studies. That paragraph deviated in focus and started issuing informaiton about your PhD interests, which is out of place in a MSc essay. Refer only to the MSc related information alone.

Your last 2 paragraphs should be more solid in development and presentation as part of your career goals, objectives, and plans. Your constant reference to your academic "accomplishments" as implied in the last paragraph is unnecessary. What you should be doing in this paragraph is presenting a discussion as to how your choice of university, program, and scholarship will help to propel the Nigerian infrastructure situation into the 21st century. That way, you can reiterate the importance of this scholarship to your desire to help your country become a better place to live in.

Graduate / We can only see a short distance ahead, but we can see plenty there that needs to be done. Statement [5]

Prabhjot , this is a well written statement of purpose. It is not a personal statement. Put a pin in this essay and set it aside for the moment when you are asked to write a statement of purpose for your PhD interests. The prompt instructions you were given comes across as pretty specific in its requirements. For this personal statement, you first have to think of what your 1 - 5 year career plans are. That is why the format of this personal statement is different from the average PS but not the same as an SOP.

In this case, you need to think of your short term plan, say 2 years after you graduate. What do you want to have accomplished in that span of time? How does that need to be accomplished? What specific classes or programs at the university will help you create the foundation for those plans? Then think of the next 3 years of your career. What is the ultimate goal that you have set for yourself that will lead into PhD studies eventually? Again, how will the university help you prepare for that eventuality? Classes, mentors, training, these are all part and parcel of your personal statement. As you explain your future career plans, make sure to tie these into a specific part of your current experience that shows how the masters courses will help you strengthen the current foundation that you have. Based on your current foundation, your future studies, and future plans, you should be able to develop a suitable personal statement for the given prompt.

Writing Feedback / I WANT BAND 8.0 - IELTS2 - FATHERHOOD IS AS MUCH IMPORTANT AS MOTHERHOOD. [2]

TRAN, I am very sad that you had a pretty good start to this essay with an almost acceptable prompt paraphrase, then you failed to properly indicate the discussion instruction of the essay. The mistake that you made is so clear, the examiner will be sure to give your TA consideration a failing score. Let me show you where the mistake lies by comparing the original prompt discussion instruction with the discussion instruction that you presented as your thesis statement:

Original Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?
Your Discussion : This essay will discuss, firstly the important of fatherhood in nurturing children and secondly the necessary of sharing upbringing tasks in family by both parents, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

This is to be discussed as an "emotional" essay with only one point of view presented, discussed, and defended in your discussion essay. What you wrote was a comparison essay. Therefore, you have proven that while you understood what the topic is about, you did not understand the discussion instructions, which will result in a total failing score for the essay. You cannot be given a passing score for the rest of the scoring considerations when you did not manage to discuss the topic in the correct manner.

This being your first posting in this forum, I will not score the essay yet but I will tell you that this essay will not pass in an actual setting based upon the situation I presented above, It would be better if your familiarize yourself with the various methods of discussing the prompt instructions by reading the samples here. That should get you on track towards becoming familiar with the discussion types for the Task 2 essay.

By the way, when you present an emotional response, you should either strongly agree / disagree or partially, agree/disagree. Remember you need to pick one side and justify it in the discussion of the essay. If you use the term "partially" then you can discuss the essay in a comparison manner. You have to be specific about the strength of the opinion that you have in order to accurately respond to the prompt requirement.

Letters / Job Application for a part-time job [2]

Vishnu, the letter that you wrote is not properly developed. You only delivered the most specific prompt requirements as indicated in the list. You need to expand upon that presentation in order to make it more effective. For example:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am XXX, a current student at Oxford University who is in need of a part time job. I heard about your agency from XXX. It is upon his recommendation that I am eager to become part of your data base. I have work experience as a food delivery person at McDonald's and I am a licensed driver. Being a full time student though, I am only available to work part time in the afternoons starting at 2 PM on-wards. I have attached my resume to this letter in order to familiarize you with my other talents and skills that you may find employable. I would like to highlight a few of my strengths as worker for your consideration:

(bullet points listing of strengths and applicable training)
I trust that my talents and skills will make me highly employable in today's part time job market. I do not doubt that your company has the ability to match my skills with the perfect employer. You may contact me at XXXXXXX in case you need additional information or have a potential job for me to interview for.

With much thanks,
XXXX

Writing Feedback / Trying new things and taking risks is the cornerstone of success [2]

Mo, are you preparing for an IELTS test? The response essay that you wrote sounds like it. I wish you had provided the original prompt statement as is required of all the students who participate in this forum. That way I would be able to help you improve your work in a specific manner, applicable to the purpose you wrote the essay for. At this moment, I can only give you a general review of your essay based upon format considerations rather than content.

For starters, I can point out that your opening paraphrase may be inconsistent with the original prompt. That is because it does not feel like you are restating the original prompt at all. Instead, it seems like you are beginning the discussion in a manner that does not consider the original prompt presentation. Instead, you are giving an original introduction without actually informing the reviewer about the original prompt information.

All of your paragraphs are composed of more than 5 sentences, which is the maximum allowable per paragraph. That is because you are discussing the information in great and specific detail instead of summarizing your discussion in a manner that will prove your ability to make yourself understood in English using short but completely developed thought presentations in every paragraph.

When you present example information, do not say that you witnessed something when nothing could be further from the truth. The information you presented is based on your father's experience. Therefore, you should say that the reason you are discussing the information is because of your father's experience in a similar scenario. It is not that you witnessed what your father did in as much as you heard about it from your father. So be clear, you did not witness is, you heard about it.

It would be beneficial to your essay if you do not use such specific information such as percentages and including sources of the information. That connotes that you had to do research when completing the paper. You won't have the ability to complete the essay in the testing center in that manner, so you should not get used to doing that during the practice tests. Stick to popular information, your personal experience, or the experience of those around you in order to deliver a strong presentation instead.

Your concluding statement comes in strong, but I am not sure if it delivers all of the necessary summary points, just as I am not sure that your discussion is on point regarding the prompt requirements. Maybe you can include the original prompt when you write your next practice test. I should be able to review that essay in a more relevant manner when that time comes.