Graduate / 'time when you went out of your way to help a colleague' Competency based question [3]

During my first job, in a small advertising company, I worked as an Office Administrator, although from time to time, I had to perform additional tasks.

My Head Manager was usually in charge of these types of clients, however he was away at this time, and would not be back for a couple of hours.

I realized that our company could not lose such a valuable client.

Then, I took his ideas about the new logo, and was able to sketch a quick design into Photoshop.

Hence, besides from enhancing my communication and creativity skills, I was able to persuade a valuable client to stay with the company, which provided 20% of the profit.

The Head Manager was very pleased with my performance, ...

I don't think you should capitalize 'head manager'. Good essay though, have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / A profile article on an Idol's contestant who made it to the top 9 [3]

Phakamani Mngomezulu better known as "Phaksy" to his fans managed to top the charts of the country's toughest singing competition, Idols Phaksy.---I don't think the competition was called 'Idols Phaksy', but that's what this sentence makes it seem like.

The Idols team was on a mission once again, in search of individuals with an outstanding musical talent.

Thousands of hopefuls flocked to these grueling auditions and amongst the thousands was none other than our campus star, Phaksy.

Phaksy swept the panel of four judges off their feet during his first round of auditions, then proceeded on to a more intense round of the competition.

This extremely talented, tender-hearted young man who discovered his music talent at the young age of 10 years old, and with no past experience he embraced the challenge.

Making it through to the first round of the competition was not only a dream come true for Phaksy but the beginning of a promising musical j ourney.

Phaksy realized he was up against a great challenge as he admitted the competition was stiff: "A round South Africa there are a lot of great singers."

"Being on idols has boosted my confidence. It has opened up many opportunities." ---You wrote this twice!

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Google-fueled Intellectuality , a Questbridge essay [2]

I just woke from a browsing-induced coma, one of the more common types in modern, technological society.---I love your essay already!

Last I remember, I was browsing a popular tactical soccer blog and now I'm sitting here reading about the specifics of the growth hormone therapy Lionel Messi underwent.

In fact, certain websites even promote the homicide of time and, consequently, the slow erosion of productivity.---Ha ha!

Through articles, blogs, documentaries, and Youtube clips, I've discovered the power of intellectual freedom.

... I was already skeptical of religion; however, it wasn't the specific topic as much as the quality of the rhetoric, and subsequently, the thinking displayed in the video, that intrigued me.

Carlin was different from any comedian I had heard up to that point; he was hilarious, yet thought provoking.

...Carlin only served as the origin of a new found sense of intellectuality.

I like your essay! Also, I love George Carlin! The way you ended your essay with that quote was perfect. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Scholarship / 'appreciate financial aid' - I have a finacial aid essay for kaplan for PSAT [2]

I would really like to get all the help I can get , since I am really looking forward to going into a great college.

I never stopped at just passing, and my averages were always above a 90. ---I made one longer sentence here instead of leaving 2 small ones. I just think it sounds better.

I always try to make the most of my time by studying and working hard.

When I graduate from high school, I want to be a major in engineering in Colombia University.

I believe that my parents want the best for me, and of course I do too, so I think it's best to go into a program that can help me academically and financially.

Good luck with school!!

:)

Undergraduate / "A Medley of Experiences" - Quest Bridge Biographical Essay [3]

This persisted until my family changed homes after my 3rd year in elementary school.

After moving to our new home, I tried to shape my own personality. But with eight years spent copying the personalities of others, I did not know where to start.

This did not last long, as I did not have much of an interest in schooling during my early years.

I employed a hit-or-miss method for the reminder of my years in elementary school.

Despite my success, I did not have the feeling of accomplishment that I'd hoped for.

I was skeptical at first; but with the failures I had experienced in elementary and middle school, I was willing to try anything.

It consumed most of my time as practice stretched for three hours in the after school.

Despite my perseverance, failure seemed to be a part of me.---I love this sentence! You're a good writer with a quirky sense of humor.

With the help of Mr. Gilbert Diaz, my trial developed my perseverance, which eventually became the basis of my character.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / "working like slaves" - Essay on diversity for questbridge [3]

I should have been happy to see my dad but his rusty, gray, old car reminded why I wished I was never picked up.

His car stood out among the new SUV 's every parent seemed to be driving.

W hy did I have to be Hispanic?

I experienced this fear, ---No comma here.--- all the time growing up, and a couple years later many things remain the same.

It was After maturing and realizing America is a land of diversity, it is this difference that I once abhorred, that I now cherish.

My differences are what define me and I will never forget of where I came from.

... and my bar is set really high.---I love this last part!

Have fun in school and good luck! Nice essay!

:)

Graduate / "to explore my inner conscience" - Statement of Purpose- Mechanical Engineering [3]

Since inception, my train of thought has often leaned towards the observation, comprehension, analysis, and primarily questioning, in every approach to life.

I believe Engineering is perfectly suited to my train of thought.

Here I was enabled to nurture my basic sciences with the advanced topics of engineering, also keeping abreast of the latest advancements in science and technology.

I feel that putting classroom education into action with co circular activities is important for learning the practical implications of engineering.

And SAE primarily influenced me to have a technical platform in the college to share and enhance my technical skills.

I, along with some of the like minded people in my college have started a student club, SAE-SNIST STUDENT CLUB.

I served as the Treasurer to the club and also took an active part in its technical events.

This project gave me the opportunity to work with people ...

My interest lies in Engineering Design and Engineering Mechanics, and I especially want to focus on Fracture mechanics and Machine design.

... understanding them has given me an in-depth view of the way in which design principles and procedures are employed in the industry.

The undergrad education and my work experience have not only provided me with strong fundamentals, but also have encouraged...

:)

Undergraduate / "up and down the piano" - OSU Talents and Strengths [2]

As my fingers touch the ivory and black keys, they begin to move steadily up and down the piano.---This sentence makes it seem as if the 'keys' move up and down the piano. How about; 'My fingers touch the ivory and black keys, and begin to move steadily up and down the piano'?

Not only do I stay involved in music for myself , I do it for those who appreciate the wonders of music, those who are too shy to break out, and those who have the same feeling I do when I'm around music.

The power of music should never be underestimated , as it has influenced my life in many ways.

Have fun in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "finance and technology" - Where do you see yourself three years after ISB? [3]

Frequent interaction with business users aroused in me a deep interest in finance and an urge to get an into a core finance role.

So much so, that I enrolled for CFA Program, one of the best finance programs in the world, and cleared both CFA Level I and Level II in my first attempts.

A profile, where in my initial years I could combine my classroom knowledge with my analytical skills to identify good investment opportunities and provide solutions to complex financial problems, thereby helping my firm to generate big revenues.

Now technology plays an important role in the Investment banking industry, and business and technology go hand in hand, but I have seen that both these divisions find it difficult to understand the language of each other.

Three years after ISB, I see myself in a position where I'll be using my experience in the finance and technology divisions to fill these gaps between both divisions, and helping businesses to identify the best technical solutions for meeting their requirements.

I want to create a niche for myself in the industry and become a valuable asset, with my rich experience in finance as well as technology.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student!

:)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose- MFA Digital Media Arts, UCLA [2]

I think it looks great now, and definitely serves the purpose. It also shows your personality, is interesting, and will stand out among the many other essays they receive! Good luck and have fun in school!

Undergraduate / 'My Green Company' - Cornell Engineering Supplement [4]

I think they go together nicely! I don't know what I was thinking when I said I didn't understand your sentence, it seems fine now...I must have been having a confusing day!

Writing Feedback / "majority of men would like to see additional sports programs on television" KICK GRE [3]

... recommends that in order to gain a larger audience share in his area, KICK should also add more sports programs .

However, this recommendation cannot be accepted as it is, because it rests on a number of assumptions all of which can be challenged in one way or another.

Even if it is assumed that enough people took part in this survey, t here---I made this into one sentence.-- is still another problem with the sample.

For instance, in this survey only men are considered, although we know that most of the television audiences are women, especially homemakers, who prefer to watch other programs such as cooking programs.

Another problem with the argument is that the manager assumes that the television audience in WACK doubled when it increased its sports broadcasts.

However, there is no evidence to definitely prove that the increase of audience members happens because of added sports broadcasts.

However, there is no evidence to prove that this is the case.

Maybe the WACK is a sports channel and it is essential for it to allot the majority of its programs to sports, but the KICK is a religious TV station and its audiences count sports as an inane programs.

... it depends on a number of assumptions, each of which is questionable.

:)

Undergraduate / "Changing to a public school" - UCF bumb in the road [2]

Changing to a public school from an extremely small Montessori school--my previous class only containing seven other students--was the hardest obstacle I have ever had to overcome.

At the Montessori I was surrounded by the same people ...

When arriving at King, the public school, I knew absolutely no one, I didn't know the rules and procedures, and did not have the ability to do what I wanted to at the time I chose fit.

During the first week, I sat alone in lunch but after that I decided that I needed to approach people or I would never gain new friends.

For the first quarter of the year I did not do well with my grades, and I ended up with a close to an F in my science class and C's in the rest.

On the day after I got my progress report I told myself that I needed to change my way of working and do what I need to do the day after I get it so I will not be pursued ---This word does not belong here, I'm not sure what you mean!

--to forget about it.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Scholarship / How will your scholarship benefit your 2012 studies? [3]

I have distinguished myself with diligence and determination in my academics throughout secondary school, and a scholarship would ensure that my studies are not burdened by any financial constraints.---How refreshing!! Right to the point!!

In particular, it would enable me to become more involved in community projects, such as volunteering in the public health care sector and even to work on conservation and sustainability projects for the future.

Furthermore, being a scholarship recipient is an important achievement which will not only raise my credentials in the scientific and medical community, but also act as a useful vehicle to meet a variety of people who can assist me in achieving my goals and better understand public healthcare to make a significant contribution. ---This would be much clearer if you break it down into two sentences!

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Maintaining the school spirit - 'Why did you apply to UCF?' Freshman Application [3]

...was the house I grew up in back in New Jers---Make sure you leave a space between sentences!

...visit one school I had been researching relentlessly, the University of Central Florida.

Since I live in Pennsylvania, visiting Florida was a costly trip. Al though I loved the school, as I read about its top-notch academic programs and viewed pictures of its beautiful campus, nothing compared to the feeling I got when I actually arrived at UCF.

...we glanced at each other as we were so impressed by the slideshow filled with facts about how great of a school UCF is.

When one of the tour guides finally played a video welcoming us to the university, chills ran down my spine and tears filled up my eyes.

Please ignore the lack of spaces after the periods, when I copy and pasted it did something funky ---I don't know if you meant that for me or the admissions office, but if for them, fix it before sending! Good luck and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'My Green Company' - Cornell Engineering Supplement [4]

Consequently, andWhile some are lucky enough to visit the campus, I spend numerous of hours touring the campus and the city virtually.

The more I time spend in front of my screen, exploring Ithaca scenery surrounded by the spectacular waterfalls and peaceful countryside, the more that I can't picture myself in anywhere other than Cornell campus, a campus that offers a fascinating environment for study.

What an excellent ending!! Good luck and have fun.

Graduate / Essay highlighting my journey with stuttering for Communication Disorders [3]

Since my initial pre-therapy appointment, wherein I stuttered so hard on my name that it took me over a minute just to phonate, I have come a long way.

But, I found that engineering did not give me the sense of fulfillment that I craved.

In the clinic, my interactions with children and adults facing conditions such as autism and acquired apraxia of speech, voice and language disorders had me scuttling between my therapist and the internet in an attempt to learn more about such disorders.

Your essay is clearly written and very interesting. When I was about 5 years old, I developed a stuttering problem which lasted for about 2 1/2 years, and also had to work with a therapist. I understand your desire and what you've been through, if only a little, and I hope all the best for you. For the end of your essay, you could add the quote by Dr. Reeves by saying how you long to be a part of this school and weave it into the fabric of your life story, as '' In the words of Dr. ...You never know..."

Good luck with school!

:)

Graduate / "Through education to PA" - CASPA personal narrative for PA program [2]

It was his encouragement and interest in my education that has led me to becoming a Physician Assistant.

I want to become a Physician Assistant so that I can take on a higher level of responsibility to both my patients and the Physician.

I believe that my current position has provided me with a strong understanding of the importance of individual patient care, which will serve as groundwork for my continuing education.

...expanded to include removing sutures, removing/applying dressings, and fabricating ---Are you sure that 'fabricating' is the right word? I'm not in the med. field, so am not sure, but it doesn't seem right.---splints and casts.

For example, why it was that some fractures could be treated with immobilization, while others required surgery to heal properly.

Working in the research lab has taught me patience and the importance of honest and thorough documentation.

The sum of my experiences is a substantial foundation, but it is my desire to move forward with my education and take on a career which is more challenging and demanding, one that drives me.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student!

:)

Undergraduate / "to experience, study, research, and learn" - Common App [2]

Ever since I was very young, my dad kept repeating that one day I would travel with him to Africa.

But every time I inquired him about his promise, he would say I was still not old enough.

My dad looked at me with a smirk and asked whether I would like to join him on his next journey to Kenya.

Suddenly all those forgotten years of --(dreaming of?)--Africa came back to me and I was filled with excitement.

Soon enough, off we went on a small plane to the Maasai P eople territory,---I'm not sure if 'People' should be capitalized here, but it seems to look better.---- and to the reserve they manage for wildlife.

The five of us landed in the middle of the S avanna and were greeted by the Maasai people, natives to the Mara ecosystem.

I saw many different species of wildlife in every sort of diverse habitat that I could imagine, even coming from a country like Brazil, which is biologically diverse.

This is a very interesting essay and you're such a good writer! Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / "my foolish pride has kept me from doing things" - extracurricular activities or work [3]

One can learn much from volunteering. ---New sentence---I myself volunteer at a local soup kitchen every Thanksgiving and the sheer number of folks waiting in line for food continues to surprise me.

Many times I see kids from my school whom I figured to have a relatively good home life, waiting in that line.

I know that volunteering is supposed to make one feel better, but I feel that if it weren't for some sheer luck of the draw I would be in that line with my mom waiting for someone to put food on our plates and have strangers look at me with hollows smiles.---You are an excellent writer! I got kind of choked up reading this part, it's so true!

I can't help but respect those who stand in that line anyway, forsaking their pride in order to feed their themselves, and I reflect on my own life and realize that my foolish pride has kept me from doing many things I needed to do.

This is a powerful essay! Good luck with school.

:)

Undergraduate / "I have always volunteered" - FSU [3]

I loved visiting with the elderly folks, and felt so honored to be welcomed by them as they told stories of being in the war, growing up 70 years ago, and of their families.

It touched my heart to hear about some that had no families to visit them.

... the reactions and well wishes from my coworkers made me feel that I really had made an impact on peoples' lives in a very positive way.

One thing I found out about in all my hours of community service, and the extracurricular activities I was involved in, is my love for meeting new people and my ability to influence peers in a positive way.

What a great essay! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Urbanization provides good platform for business, but isn't free of negativities [2]

AsSome people believe that, ---No comma here.--- this leads to an infrastructural inequality among different regions of a country, and they referredto it as a "modern disease".

Firsty , urbanization provides a good platform for business.

Better communication systems , infrastructure, readily available human resources , sophisticated customers in close location and security allow businessmen to introduce improved products and services.

As a result, our lifestyle improves with a variety of products.

Furthermore this also raises the number of business firms, employees and other stakeholders which leads to an increase in taxes .

Though, on the other hand, if it deprives rural areas from economic development, the country as a whole enjoys a greater benefit.

As a result, aesthetic views and healthy breezes in rural areas always attract tourists.

As most of the industries are located in urban areas, it is easy for environmental watchdogs to monitor their impact on environment as well.---Good point!

It is true that urbanization is not free of negativity like loss of family bonding, income inequality, various forms of discrimination etc. but the benefits of urbanization outweighs its negativity.

Have fun in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "the sport of field hockey" - Personal Statement - is the topic too typical? [2]

These experiences have been very valuable in shaping who I am as a person today.

It has also helped me to become a more patient and helpful person when assisting the more inexperienced players.

While playing on a club team, I've learned to overcome the challenges of working with new people and also how to build friendships.

Besides from my playing, I have been a volunteer youth field hockey coach for the past several years.

I found that volunteering my time to give back to the community while teaching others about something I particularly love was extremely satisfying.

:)

Undergraduate / "the person everyone wants me to be" - University of Texas admission - "I don't" [3]

Who always does their best to never upsets anybody.

I cringe at the idea of having a nine to five job.

And do I have to go to my eight year old's baseball game?

I loath having to always take the "high road" and be "the bigger man."---I love this sentence!

I hate the thought of having the same job for twenty-five years because I hate job security.

My father has never a gotten a "B" on a report card in his life, I have already failed that task, but it's okay because I don't want to strive for excellence.

Because the truth is that I do want all of these things.

I thirst for the knowledge to be gained while in college.

I still have to strive to be my own separate, independent person, and not exactly like my father. But that doesn't mean I couldn't learn a lot of things from him .

Very interesting writing style, I like your essay a lot! Also, nice tribute to your dad. Good luck in school and have fun! All too soon, you'll be like your dad, so enjoy your youth!

:)

Undergraduate / Villanova essay - A lesson Learned - Get to know the people around you [2]

"Hiral! Come downstairs and talk to your uncle from India!" my mom called angrily as she held up the phone for me.

A few days (?) after that call, my uncle died.

He'd had a major heart attack while he was alone in his factory at work.

I saw my dad cry for the first time in my life. I saw my mom in a state of shock where she wouldn't do anything but stay in her bed.

I saw my cousins crying for hours on end.

Every single person I knew had a fond memory of my uncle, even people who had never met him in person.

Then when you look back on the past, you will think of the man you knew and the memories you shared, instead of the memories you could have shared.

This is so sad, but a great lesson. I always say, tell the people you love that you love them, because you might never get another chance. Good luck in school~I'm sure your uncle is very proud of you.

:)

Scholarship / Bachelor's degree in Medical Diagnostic Sonography Scholarship essay [2]

It was really amazing to see that such a small piece of equipment could see so much, and could detect any deformities that could be seriously wrong with the developing baby.

I would make an ideal candidate for this s cholarship because I...

This scholarship money would be used to buy books, to pay for room and board and to keep taking courses that will help me pursue toward my career.

I mainly devote my time to studying and doing work for school, and also I volunteer in the church nursery on Sundays watching children of all ages, during the service.

During the summer, I am took two classes that make me one step closer to reaching my goal of becoming a Diagnostic Sonographer.

I completed this course and I plan on being certified so that I can have experience in the medical field and gain knowledge of what it is like to work in the hospital environment.

Winning this scholarship would help me in many ways such as paying for tuition, books, being able to stay in a dorm, and knowing that it makes me one step closer to reaching my goal as a Diagnostic Sonographer.---You already said this!

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / Sports and social activities can offer the same significant things that classes and libraries offer [5]

The debate about the importance of sports and social activites in students' lives has been continuing for a long time.While ---Don't forget to always leave a space between sentences!--- many universities and colleges are raising funds for many kinds of curriculums, some people ...

First, activities let students make more friends.

In classes, students spend most of their time listening to the professor.

They don't have much time to talk with each other, so they are not likely to develop good friendships .

Moreover, activities like football and basketball require team work.

ThenS tudents who take part in these activities will learn the significance of collaboration.

Second, activities expand students' experience.---You should write 'sports and other social activities'.

Before students enter into the society, they have been studying for 16 years but still lack of experience on things that are not associated with study.

However, if they took part in social activities, they would know some skills on talking and making a good first impression .

Then they would learn part of the art of persuasion from their experiences.---Also teamwork.

I agree with you! Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Graduate / SACRED HEART SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY FOR DPT PROGRAM [3]

I had taught elderly workouts before, but never anything quite like this.

On my first day there, they told me to just follow the instructional tape they had and repeat the moves for the residents.

It was bad enough they were stuck in a wheel chairs but now they were doing this monotonous workout.

After my first class I asked the director if I could create my own workout and teach it to the class, and she gave me the go ahead.

That night I went searching for "wheel chair" workouts. Each one was as boring as the first, and I wondered how I was stuck,I was going to make this up?

Your essay is well thought out and interesting! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / "patients to therapy" RICHARD STOCKTON SUPPLEMENTAL DPT PROGRAM [3]

He experienced a fall a while back and broke his hip, and what he failed to realize was that the sooner he was rehabilitated the sooner he could go back home to his family.

This time when he made his usual Navy statement, I replied with "You're right, you don't need therapy."

He was shocked, and I then continued to give him all the reasons why he doesn't need therapy,...

What I learned from this experience was that with little bit of patience, kindness and a few wise words, one can make a difference in the treatment of a patient.

My first day in class I was ready to cry, I could barelycould understand what my professor was teaching, and then to make matters worse my lab TA barely spoke English!

I knew I was in for it. Every week I sat in my teacher's office for hours going over problems, but I went to lab every week and did my best work.

I got my first test back and I had received a 55.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Graduate / "The consequence of being too active is injury" - PTCAS ESSAY [3]

Ever since I was a child, I have been extremely active, from recreational sports to my favorite Cheerleading.---Start a new sentence here.--The unfortunate and inevitable...

Being able to move is a gift that we as humans have been bestowed with since birth.

My grandmother at the time worked as a nurse in a nursing home, and when she heard about my dilemma she told me I should consider physical therapy, as the nursing home had a great inpatient program.

At first I was frightened and shy about motivating these people, but in the back of my mind I knew that we were helping them, that ...

At this point they felt so comfortable with me, (one man even proposed) that coming to physical therapy was no longer frightful or painful.

Everything I am involved in at school is surrounding on the common good.---What does this mean?

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Letters / English 101- Letter on your attitude toward writing, literacy, and language. [3]

English has never been my strongest subject, but I have come to appreciate writing.

Whenever I have an issue or need to inform someone of something important, it's always best for me to write it down first in order to get my thoughts together. and then let them know.

With family even, if something is troubling me, I find myself constantly jotting down my problems .

I perform much better when I'm not bound to short deadlines as toand have time to ponder various ideas.

Also, I can't just sit for hours writing, I usually think about my topic for a few days before I begin to actually put it in on paper...

The r eason being is that I'm able to stimulate my imagination.

Over the years, I have observed the fact that my writing has improved drastically, and I attribute that to me reading more; not just books, but also others writing pieces.

From reading, I'm able to learn new words and expand my vocabulary, as well as become inspired...

Have fun with this, and good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Advertising industry has laid an adverse impact on real basic needs of consumer [2]

In the recent times, advertising has emerged as an unbreakable tool for marketing and promoting products.

In my opinion, the advertising industry has had an adverse impact on real basic needs of consumer.

People are financing cars madly, in spite of the hefty rate of interest.

They have forgotten about their genuine need for a four wheel vehicle.

Top end players and famous film stars acts as people's role models.

Such ads inducesthe younger generation adversely, and ultimately raised a question of affordability for parents.

For instance, p romoters often take Indian cricket star batsman Sachin Tendulkar as their brand ambassador, in order to attract innocent children for selling their products to .

In contrast, supporters often maintain that advertisements act as the most efficient tool in marketing and raising awareness about the availability of products in current markets.

To sum up, unethical means of advertisements have raised a question on the media's efficiency and integrity.

... awareness and should take rigorous steps to eradicate unwanted means which thwarts our progress.

You've made some good points! Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Essays / Essay - Thesis problem. I'm unable to write thesis for topics like these topics. [3]

We cannot write your essay for you, that's not what we do here. It may be a boring subject to you and not as exciting as a social issue, but if you're experienced in writing essays, this will be a breeze, once you put your mind to it. You write it, then send it back to us for an edit if you like! Good luck and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "my dream to be a medical doctor since" - essay for ucas (medical school) [2]

It has always been my dream to become a medical doctor since I was a child .

It came to a point where I had to skip classes to send sick students to the hospital and this act of sacrifice and commitment is requisite to becoming a good medical practitioner.

My strength does not only lie in my ability to adapt to stress but also my ability to take up challenges.

I took a combination of maths, biology, chemistry and physics in high school and at my time in high school only few students can afford to take these challenging courses and still excel in all of them.

Currently I take a combination of chemistry, biology and maths at Higher level in IB.

The chemistry and biology have developed my knowledge in the field of science.

IB requires students to do internal assessments and research work, and this has over the years broadened my knowledge about certain ...

:)

Undergraduate / I'm working with numbers and formulas - how to write career goal essay? [2]

What IS your career goal? You could actually say that this job will help you gain new perspective on your future career, as you would like to learn all aspects of running a business, or how a business is run. Do they know you're a student? If so, they might be hesitant to hire you because when you graduate, you'll most likely quit. You could imply that at that time, you'd like to work there full time. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you! When you write the essay, feel free to send it here for an edit if you want to, and if you have time.

:)

Book Reports / Alice Walker's Beauty and its change over time [3]

Beauty was the "sassiness" with which she read her Easter poem, and beauty was the way she wore her "biscuit-polished patent-leather shoes."

It was the day her brother shot her in the eye, taking away the "cuteness" that she had once possessed.

When she lost her physical beauty, she thought all traces of beauty were lost forever.

At that moment, the pain- of a cruel brother and his sons, of a cruel world and it's heartless children- no longer restrained her from fully accepting herself.

You are an amazing writer! Your essay is interesting, well thought out, and so well written. Good luck with school!

:)

Book Reports / Monologue by Basil Hallward from The Picture of Dorian Gray [3]

Well, we cannot write your essay for you! Have you read it yet? If you read at least some of the book, particularly the part the teacher mentioned, you'll get a feel for the type of language used. Try writing what you think was going through his mind, then send it back to us here to help you edit and to offer advise.

Good luck, and once you start, you'll see it won't be so hard.

:)

Undergraduate / "to make a positive change for someone else" - What matters to me and why [2]

With no formal education and only a meager income to get by on , they struggled to support a family.

The truth is that I yearn to pass on the torch of opportunity that I was so blessed to receive on to others in my community using resources available to me.

Over the last three years, I became involved in a book drive at my high school, aimed at collecting books which were then delivered to slum based schools in Nairobi.

... presentations that raised awareness for the cause and encouraged students to actively take part .

However that was not enough. I wanted to take it a step further; to reach out to my community on a personal level.

There is no deeper sense of belonging, no greater connection I feel than when I am able to make a positive change for someone else.

Great essay! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "a student of the game of basketball" - what matters to you Stanfod supplemental [2]

When I was 8 I decided that I wanted to play basketball competitively, and tried out for my local team.

Unfortunately I was not very good and the coach had no qualms about cutting me after tryouts.

Three years later I went in again thinking, "this is definitely the year" and sure enough, it was!

Being a student of the game of basketball has made me a better person for it , and all the characteristics that I try to embody have been taught to me by basketball.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS CAM 7 T4 TASK 1-----electricity production indicated in pie chart [3]

The pie charts indicate units of electricity produced by fuel sources between the time period of 1980 and 2000 both in Australia and France.

...from 50 units in 1980 to 130 units in 2000. W hile the figure---Don't forget to leave a space between sentences.--- of hydro power saw a increase, rising to 36 units by the year 2000, those of natural gas and oil in contrast experienced a dramatic drop, reducing by 90% and 80% in 2000 respectively.

The situation is extremely different in France: electricity production was mainly produced by nuclear power during the two decades, increasing by 111 units.

...Australia tends to use coal, and France prefers nuclear power based on its advanced technology in this field.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)