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Posts by Pahan
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Sep 1, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 1824  
From: Sri Lanka

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Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Undergraduate / Our identity is found in our unique stories; Essay for Harvard admission [4]

Our identity is found in our unique stories. Stories which have been build up with our background, experiences and passions.

You can combine these two sentences easily, and I think that would have a better effect;
Our identity is found in our unique stories that beautifully picture our background, experiences and passions.... this is presented slightly different to what you've written about, i mean the idea.

Well.... here I find you talk about so many aspects about your identity. But I feel what they want to know is the one that is more central to your identity.... just give some thought on this!
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Letters / When I was young my parents use to buy me Barbie dolls; Cosmetology [2]

As a child I always imagined myself in the cosmetology industry and owning my own salon one day.

Tell exactly what you visualized as a child... for example, applying make up on beautiful ladies etc. You wouldn't have known much about the cosmetology industry when you were a kid. So, tell the reader what you really imagined like a child. That would be more catchy and convincing too.

I remember seeing my mom putting her make up on and I would try to do the same things as her.

This is good. Get a start with this sentence :)
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'depends on the age'; should teachers assign homework for students every day? [6]

Last but not least, it seems kind of ridiculous that teachers assign homework for university students.

.... yes, it is actually ridiculous and I am fully with you...LOL

Given that university students have the capability of independent study, even though the professors never assign homework, they would do some practice to understand brand new concepts .

... This second part is not really helping your reason, and sounds like going a bit out of the point. You should have strengthened the first part of with a bit more reasoning.

]After all, the conditionwhich period the students are inof students in each period is so complex that the question whether teachers should assign homework every day cannot be simply answered
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'broaden horizons'; it is better to begin learning foreign language early [5]

I think this is the best way to practice because these tasks you need to finish within the allocated time. It's ok that your essay don't turn up in early practice sessions, but you would feel that you will be improving with each essay. Now you can re-do those parts and re-post so that you become firm with ideas, vocabulary and correct grammar usage. So, my suggestion is to do the first one with time and post it here. Then with our comments, improve the essay to become more conversant with ideas, vocab and grammar. :)

Please do re-write :)
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'broaden horizons'; it is better to begin learning foreign language early [5]

... The first few sentences build up the justification for your belief that learning a foreign language at an early age is more advantageous. However, I don't understand why you suddenly talk about the part that teacher's focus on teaching native language. What's the connection and the reason for mentioning that? I don't get you :(
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Some prefer changes in life while others refuse to change [2]

Some people think change in their lives is unnecessary, because they would like to keepmaintain a regular lifestyleslifestyle.

They believe that concentrating on one thing can improve their specialized skills, which means that, they are more likely to make more money.

... there is no logical connection between specializing in one thing and making more money. You need to justify this argument.

They also think that money is one of the most important things they considerate and that changes may pose a threat to their current lives.

You are now going out of topic. Your prompt does not talk about making money. It talks about how people react to change.
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / The best teacher is one who is very knowledgeable about the subject matter [4]

Is this essay for IELTS or TOEFL? The topic sounds like that :)

A knowledge teacher's attitude is very important in teaching because students need to feel comfortable so they can teach 100% the topic and it becomes easy to learn for them.

This sentence has several problems with regard to grammar and clarity. You should rephrase this for sure. Also, you need to adopt a good essay structure for this type of writing. I copy paste below what dumi generally suggest for others. I think this is a very logical structure that anybody can easily follow;

INTRODUCTION- hook+ background of your topic + State your opinion/ position
Body para 1; First reason for your opinion/ position + Specific example to support that reason
Body para 2 ; Second reason + example
Conclusion ; Final statement about your position.
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Undergraduate / "Pocketful of Sunshine"; Piece of music that has influenced the person you are- VATech [2]

the lyrics in this song help me feel confident and, self assured and ready to start a new day.
This best describes how I try to face each day. No matter how convoluted the day becomes I know that I have that pocketful of sunshine with me.

Whether it is an important test, high school drama among my peers, or the job I go to after school. It is a constant reminder that I can overcome any obstacle that should occur that day.

Whether it is something to do with an important test, high school drama that I take part or my part time job, the song provides a constant reminder that I can overcome any obstacle with courage.
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / GRE AWA Issue Analysis ; Studying major cities helps understand their society [6]

Felt that too becuase I added it last minutes, Shall I remove this point from the essay? Overall what do you think of the essay? on scale of 1-5

:) Well.... I am not the best person to give you a score because I do not have any GRE experience. Perhaps this link may help you assessing your own score: ets.org/gre/revised_general/prepare/analytical_writing /issue/scoring_guide

I feel you are trying to go out of topic. Your prompt does not deal with the history, but studying the major cities. If you feel like talking about the history, then you need to show some connection between history and the major cities. However, there are many modern major cities, for example - Dubai, Singapore etc. that do not have much to do with history.
Always keep a good alignment with your topic.

I too feel this trend throughout your essay... You need to tackle the features such as traditions, customs, beliefs etc. because I too feel your topic intends those as the societal features.
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'depends on the age'; should teachers assign homework for students every day? [6]

With the increasingly intense competition, people have to absorb more knowledge or novel concepts to avoid being eliminated.

... avoid being eliminated from what? .... This is true, but I wish if you presented in a way that it shows a better connection with your topic.

As a result of the sever competition that prevails in the modern society, the students too are faced with many challenges in order to prepare themselves for future careers.

Initially, there is no need to assign homework every day for primary students.

First, I do not see any reason for assigning homework on every day basis for the students at elementary level.
Pahan   
Oct 24, 2013
Undergraduate / Pursuing career in business ; Personal Statement [2]

Ever since I was little, pursuing career in business always been my
dream.

.... For me, I find this sentence does not deliver anything meaningful. I wish you started your response with the following sentence;

Born in a retail business family, interacting with business world
since early age is not a strange thing for me.

.... I feel this provides a better start
As a little girl I really enjoyedto helphelping my parents on runningin their retail business activities.
Pahan   
Oct 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / Some people think that private schools should be banned. [5]

For the second factor, as the governmental budget is limited, meanwhile the number of students is accumulating over time, mobilizing funds from private organizations or corporations to open schools for education is vitally important.

... this is a very valid point.... good argument. However, when you have lengthy sentences they tend to confuse the reader. The reader needs to memorize many details and it disturbs his interest in your writing. Write shorter and clearer sentences.

You write very well.... Try with the structure dumi suggested. It's pretty logical and would help you manage time too.
Pahan   
Oct 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL;universities require students to studymany subjects or specialize in one subject [4]

This is because they interested in many subjects and they want to try them all.

This is because they are interested in a variety of subjects and lack enough knowledge about what stream they should really pursue.

For example, pupils who want to study science aremay also like to learn music.

.... you have to pay attention to grammar. I find many grammar mistakes throughout your essay.

In addition, people who know a wide range of (what?????) is better than people who know just one

In addition, people with multi-task skills stand better chances against others when it comes to career opportunities.
Pahan   
Oct 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay : Living on campus [8]

Friends usually have the same objective, which is learning, and developing themselves, thus they push themselves to study to compete with other fellows

.... good point, but when you talk about competition among them, it kind of disturbs your idea :(
Campus students share the same objective which is learning and developing their skills for their future careers. Because of this, the students living on campus are exposed to an environment which has the ability to motivate them better.
Pahan   
Oct 23, 2013
Letters / Seeking Training and Advancement Opportunity in the Golf Industry [4]

In my current job as the Superintendent Golf & Tournament at The Karachi Golf Club in Karachi, Pakistan. I have improved every aspect of the golf program at this esteemed golf club.

In my current job as the Superintendent Golf & Tournament at The Karachi Golf Club in Karachi, Pakistan, I have taken many initiatives to improve every aspect of the organizational golf program.

Although I am quite happy in my current situation and am appreciated for the significant improvements I have made in every area of the golf program, it has always been my goal to get associated one day with a prestigious club such as The Glynneath Golf Club.

Although I am content with my current job and also I have been recognized for my contribution by the present company, it had always been a strong desire of mine to work for a prestigious club such as the Glynneth Golf.
Pahan   
Oct 23, 2013
Scholarship / Path to my future career; scholarship Personal Statement [2]

In my childhood I always wanted to become a person who will help my countries transport system and who as a professional support effective operation of the transport.

I feel this is a bit too serious for a child's thoughts. As a kid, you would dream of becoming a certain professional, but this sounds a few steps more... I feel you should present this a bit more convincing way.

When I was sixteen years old, the keen interest ofin transportation forced me to leave school early and started learning transportation at the college in the small town where I was born and grew up

What did you learn there? Was it a course on a particular transportation system? .... This sentence too sounds a bit vague :(
Pahan   
Oct 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / Some people think that private schools should be banned. [5]

Public education has always been showingseemed to be dominant towardover its counterpart, the private education in terms of reliability, student'sstudents' attendance and financial support from the government.

student's - for one student ( singular form)
students' - for many students( plural form)

In my opinion, however, private schools are having betterment and steadily outweighing public ones in 3 following reasons.

.... don't use numbers in essay writing. You should use words instead.
Pahan   
Oct 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS -Some people think that we can use as much fresh water as we want. Others think [12]

The water is one of the most important natural resources in order tohuman lifesurvive .

This is grammatically incorrect. Pay attention to the correction I made.
Some people believe that water should be freely accessible for everyone in the world, while others argue that it should be controlled by governments to ensure that available to everyone.it is not wasted unnecessarily.

You need to pay lots of attention to grammar and vocabulary. As a tip for improvement, I'd advice you to read others' essays on similar topics. That will help you pick up many important key words and ideas.
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Undergraduate / My teacher's criticism; Common App - Emory/ FAILURE [2]

My love towards photography and skills I learned from famous photographers help me take good photos, which had won several photography contests.

My passion for photography and the knowledge and skills I acquired from learning from famous photographers helped me win several awards at photography contests.

but I can't see your own thinking and inspiration in those photos.

... but I cannot find your originality and inspiration in these photos.
I think this is a good case. It's interesting to read too. :)
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / Process Analysis Essay-How to change a tire (Proofread, suggestions, improvement) [2]

Then, you need to pull off the road and out of the traffic flow

.... pull off what? the vehicle right?
Then you need to pull the vehicle off the road to a place out of the traffic flow.

Then, you need to pull off the road and out of the traffic flow (look for a level spot, it is unsafe to jack the car on an incline.)

... Or else, let's put it this way;
Now your task is to pull the vehicle off from the road to not to disturb the traffic flow. So, quickly look for a level spot because it is unsafe to jack the car on an incline and take the vehicle there.

Interesting :)
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / compare-contrast b/w mother and father;Really need some help;20% part of grade [3]

Men have two choices in life: they can stay single and be miserable

....LOL :D

or get married and wish they were dead although being happily married doesn't mean they should share several similarities.

.... What similarities you do talk about? Not clear :(

Men have two choices in life: they can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish they were dead although being happily married doesn't mean they should share several similarities. Meanwhile, many responsibilities take part when they now have the roles of being the mother and the father. It begins from their children's basic needs, the chores and to their duties on their jobs. Who succeeds better at doing their obligations? Because of paid work, mothers and fathers are similar to each other, but child care and housework makes them different from each other, making mothers- stand out.

Okkk.... I feel you don't introduce your topic sufficiently in the introduction. This is about comparing the roles of mothers and fathers and discussing who makes better contribution to the family. (This is what I understood from your topic) Nothing much about that is said here.
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Undergraduate / 'the main reason I was born' - Fulbright UGRAD Program essay [2]

In my life, I always try to figure the main reason I was born because I do believe that every mankind has a reason in various fields for being born.

I strongly believe that we all have a purpose of being here on this world, and I always strive hard to understand my purpose and how best I can make my share of contribution to this world.

At a point in my life, I found myself burdened by social problems that happen around my environment and I think this could be the reason I was born. Until the moment of writing this essay, I still feel that I have an obligation to make myself useful in solving those social problems and feel that I have to create a better environment by making a change at least in my neighborhood. On a greater scale, I even desire to make a change in my country.

At one point in my life, I realized the social problems prevailing in my country that acted as a stumbling block for our progress and at that point I understood my purpose very clearly. I began to feel that I have an obligation to fulfill; I should contribute effectively to solve these social issues in my country and create a better environment for my people.
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Common App Essay Prompt #5 for Carnegie Mellon, RPI, & IIT [3]

When I was five years old, I saw a TV show about FIRST Lego League that impacted the remainder of my life

When I was five years old, I saw a TV show on First Lego League that made a huge impact on my life later on.

When I was five years old, I saw a TV show about FIRST Lego League that impacted the remainder of my life. Little did I know, I would be able to build with Legos long after those early years.
Robotics tournaments require members to multitask teamwork, research, robotic programming and the creation of an original scientific research project. I've had to research solutions to real world issues, from climate change to world hunger. This was an excellent addition to my homeschool curriculum.

Are these two paragraphs? Or just the same one? That's not clear to me. Also, the connection between the two also not so clear to me :(
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Essays / Shalom fellow Gideonites. I won't be introducing myself like what the others did [4]

Is this for a speech? ... sounds like that :)

. I won't be introducing myself like what the others did.

... It's generally a not good practice to compare with others... though you don't intend to tell your way is superior or more catchy or whatever, it gives a slight competitive feeling when you mention about other people. I feel you better present it in a different way;

I want to introduce myself little differently from the usual way.

They said their full names, but I, daring to be unique, will only say my pen name. I am Titanium.

So, let me introduce myself with my pen name, I am Titanium.
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Undergraduate / BU offers a number of important elements ; why BOSTON U [2]

As a person with a multi-ethnic background who has traveled extensively, BU's diversity is very important to my college experience.

.... I think you better start with this sentence. Since you have a tough word count, you can even remove the first sentence and include something more meaningful and relevant to your response.

Furthermore, BU's active student body ensures me that with my interest in soccer, the environment and much more, I will continue to thrive in the high-performing atmosphere of Boston University.

... the ideas are pretty cramped in this sentence. If you save some words by eliminating the first sentence, you can expand a bit on this idea. This gives more important information than the first one.
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / The Rise of the Indus River Valley Civilizations essay [5]

The Egyptians could not plant crops in the desert but rather planted where there was water.

.... well, ancient Egyptians are credited as being one of the first groups of people to practice agriculture on a large scale. So, I feel you need to re-phrase this sentence to give that effect;

Egyptians had been one of the first civilizations that practiced agriculture on a large scale. The Nile river provided them with water and fertile soil for their farming activities and their particular farming practices helped them grow staple food crops, especially grains such as wheat and barley. Not only that they grew industrial crops like flax and papyrus too.
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / COMPARE/CONTRAST essay about my mother&sister [4]

Some are stricter and have rules thenthan others.

While some parents try to be more open and of a friend then a mother to their child.

While some parents maintain a very close and a more friendly relationship with their children, some others maintain a parental gap between them and the children.

That's where my mother and sister parenting skills differ a lot from one another

This is one area where the parenting styles of my mother and sister differ.

Meanwhile my sister is into the thing of being more focused in being a friend to her children so they'll talk to her and be open with her and not disappointing them.

However, my sister loves treating her children like friends and is more open with them in any discussion. She does not believe in controlling children as an effective way of parenting.
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS:In some countries children have very strict rules of behavior, in other countries th [5]

Firstly, strict rules of behavior create responsible and respectful children who in turn mature into respectful adults

.... I feel it's better you split this sentence into two;
First, strict rules of behavior help nurture discipline and sense of responsibility in children. Such children are more likely to be turned into more disciplined and respectable citizens in society.

Well .... you have two reasons here. My advice is to have one body para dedicated to one reason. Elaborate on that a bit more and support that reason with a good example. Then take the other reason to another new para.
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; The internet provides a lot of valuable information. However,others disagree [5]

Sometimes, they want an information that can help them in daily life which the internet can provide all of these to people.

The word 'Information' is both singular and plural. It is most commonly used in it's plural form. So you cannot have "an" in front of information. Also, the latter part of this sentence sounds pretty confusing. This sentence should be read as;

Sometimes they want information that can help them in their daily life for which the Internet is the best solution.
Pahan   
Oct 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'analogous concern and money' - financial support for sports and social activities [6]

Second, besides the academic knowledge, the awareness of social behavior is an important factor for human's life. As a practical epitome, students should be prepared to present in society after their graduation. Thus social activities can help them to be familiar with other's mind and different environment. In my opinion, social groups and classes are significant factors to prepare students to contribute in discussion and encounter real social environment. So, social activities have same rights to receive monetary support.

TOEFL Independent writing task expects you to provide specific examples to back the reasons that you present to justify your position on the argument. So, in your body paragraphs, you need to back the reasons with examples, which I don't see in this essay. Also, be mindful about the time factor too. I feel your one reason per one body para is a good arrangement to manage time well. However, you need to have the examples, if you aim for a good score.
Pahan   
Oct 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / what are benefits of shopping online. [4]

Formal shop have a limited space, so the number of good is also

Formal shops have only limited space and so do the goods they sell.

Sometimes people can not find a good, which they prefer and they must to come to many different shops to find it.

Sometimes, when people cannot find what they intend to buy , they have to pay visits to several shops physically to find it.

However, in online shop, people can choose any good they want or prefer in only one shop

However, with online shopping, sellers do not have limitations with physical goods storage and the buyers too can instantly locate the shops where they need to buy their specific items.
Pahan   
Oct 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / What changes your perception in order to be a better communicator [4]

What are you did in the past determine who you are right now. We might hear this proverb for a plenty of time

...some grammar problems....let me fix them :)
What did you do in the past to determine who you are right now? We may hear this proverb many a times.
In a real life, culture, education, society, and experience might have a big role to play in building your character

This is happened to me when I am living in a scientific education realm for a couple of years.

.... again grammar :(
This happened to me when I was living in a scientific education realm for a couple of years.
Pahan   
Oct 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / major cities are essential sources of information about the culture of a country [5]

Major cities are the heart of a country.

Traditions and lifestyle of these cities are representative of the nation

.... tradition and life-style deal with people and not with a city.
Traditions and lifestyle of the people living in these cities well represent the features of their nation.

To begin with, big cities hold majority of the population and they are representative of their country since they hold many migrants from different part of the state.

To begin with, the major cities hold the majority population and they represent all ethnic groups in that particular country.
Pahan   
Oct 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / Human Cloning is the creation of a lab human or test tube baby! [5]

Proponents find it an outstanding innovation, constantly trying to legalize it, while the opposing partythose who are opposing find it as another idea that plays withagainst the law of nature.

That is some question it from an ethical or religious aspect

this sentence is not very clear. You have to re-write it.
Arguments posed by anti-cloning activists are usually based withon the foundation consisting of logical fallacies or red herrings that tie into religious teachings or ideas.
Pahan   
Oct 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Ads result in high sales of well-received consumer goods. Agree or disagree? [4]

Advertising, as a matter of fact, serves as a tool to arisearouse the temptation of purchasing.

"arise" meaning - ( formal literary) -get or stand up / (of a problem, opportunity, or situation)emerge; become apparent.
"arouse" meaning - evoke or awaken (a feeling, emotion, or response) / awaken (someone) from sleep
Hope you got the difference of the two meanings of the word "arise"
Pahan   
Oct 21, 2013
Graduate / USC School of Architecture Master of Building Science Statement of intent [2]

As I grew older, I realised I enjoy creating spaces. A high school career aptitude test, too, revealed that architecture would be the ideal career choice for me.

You better have these two sentences connected, because they seem to be detached;
As I grew older I discovered my passion and talent for creating spaces. This was further revealed by the results of high school career aptitude test I took.

I think you have done a good job. Is there any word count limitation for this?
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Timing, distances, and social relations, forcing separation of extended family [5]

One of the most important factor that contributed to this issue is that people have less time for having relationship with their relatives. To clarify my point, consider a modern child who spend most of the time in school, then in university, and finally in work.

These sentences are written well and have no grammar issues. But they sound a bit stiff as if you are defending your opinion very hard. Let them flow with more ease.;

First, it is the busy life-style of people in the modern society that acts as the main reason for distancing people from their relationships. For example, a child who is born in this era spends most of his time first in the school, then in the university and finally at work.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / UNIFORM TO WEAR OR NOT TO WEAR? [6]

For the past one decade school uniform had been the center topic of debate in education sector.

... is this true? This has certainly not been the center topic in my country. So, when you are addressing a general topic, you've got to be careful when generalizing statements.

One way in which school uniform really contributes in the way students act is that it discourages bullying.

One is that the useful contribution it makes towards discouraging the bullying in schools over what students wear to school.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Obstacles and conflicts are everyday occurrences [3]

Obstacles and conflicts are everyday occurrences that everyone has to deal with at some point in their lives. Some obstacles may be big, others may be small, but each has their own trials and tribulations that come with them. How our lives go are greatly determined by all obstacles and trials we face throughout.

I guess you have a limited word count. So, I feel you should not waste three sentences and a considerable amount of words in describing things that are quite general and they already know. They are keen about knowing the obstacles you had and how you overcame them because their objective it to judge your personality. So, reduce the above into one sentence and start talking about your own experiences. That's my view on this.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Step, kick, step, step. ; COLLEGE APP /Central to identity [7]

My life has always been filled ofwith days like this with my family and friends.

With a father raised in Lebanon and a mother that emigrated from the Dominican Republic, I have grown up constantly surrounded by culture.

With a father raised in Lebanon and a mother who emigrated from the Dominican Republic, I have grown up in mixed cultural set up.
I see a disturbances in you flow throughout your essay. I feel you should pay attention to that.

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