Undergraduate / 'small round scars on my arms' - "Abuse" - Common App Prompt #5 essay [2]

Taylor, this is a timely, eye opening, and heartfelt topic that you chose to discuss. The fact that you are willing to put yourself out there and let the reviewer know about the abuse that you suffered, it just makes the essay all that memorable. I am sure that the reviewer will find his attention drawn to the message of your essay.

While I understand the need to portray the abuse in the relationship with your mother, I found feel that you should also explain how you managed to survive for so long in her hands. I know from experience that a physically abusive relative can really mess with you psychologically. Those are the scars that will never heal. So, in order to show your strength of character and will to survive and overcome, you should offer a paragraph or two to explaining how the abuse made you stronger by showing the reviewer how you dealt with it prior to her death. How did you turn all that negative love into a power that helped you survive until you were given the opportunity to fix your life upon her death.

Showing or telling how you managed to survive in the negative surroundings will be the accomplishment that helped you transition to adulthood. I think it needs to be better represented in the essay in the earlier parts rather than discussing it in only a few sentences at the end. Target your story of maturity due to the abuse in the essay instead of focusing on the abuse itself.

Writing Feedback / Televised Talent Shows Have Become Popular In Many Societies. [3]

Rahmat, your opinion of the prompt is not clear at all in your introduction. The way that you structured the paragraph was really confusing and did not even restate the prompt in the proper manner. You do know points are deducted for comprehension skills right ? That is tested through the way that you tell the examiner what you understood of the prompt. Right now, your understanding of the prompt is not understandable at all.

When you wrote this essay, you should have kept in mind that the prompt was asking you to explain if you believed that the talent shows actually found talented people or it was just for entertainment. I am not sure but it reads to me like you believed the show is all for entertainment? Like I said, you really need to revise the essay in order to clearly present your opinion of the prompt. That is why the prompt offered you choices to choose from. However, you failed to properly choose one side for discussion in this essay.

Your essay floundered from beginning to end. It did not properly respond to the prompt at all in my opinion and instead just kept on discussing how the show is all about appearances. I could have accepted that line of discussion throughout the essay if you had only made a choice between the show really helping to find actual talent, or just being on the air for entertainment.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 - A pet bring best, helpful and happiness [3]

Irfan, why are you discussing whether or not a pet should be bought in your introduction? I believe that you misunderstood the prompt. The prompt is asking you if you agree or disagree that having a pet can bring happiness to people. Such a question has nothing to do with the purchase of a pet. From the very start, your understanding and restatement of the prompt is wrong. Therefore, in an actual test, the examiner may not even continue reading your essay and simply fail you in this portion due to lack of understanding of the prompt requirements. I strongly advice you to write a new essay that properly responds to the prompt at this point.

There is a disagreement between your introduction paragraph and your second paragraph. While you stated the wrong prompt at the beginning, you proceeded to give the correct response to the prompt in the succeeding paragraph. What happened there? How could you have made such a big mistake? You really need to examine the way that you wrote this essay and discover what made you state the wrong prompt at the beginning.

Your essay can really mess up the examiner who will be scoring it. Your introduction is wrong, the second paragraph is correct, then the third paragraph is discussing the wrong topic again. Just stick to the discussion about the joy that pets can possibly bring their owners. Regardless of the cost. The cost of caring for the pet is not an issue here and should therefore, not factor in your discussion.

Needless to say, even your conclusion suffers from a thematic crisis. It would really be in your best interest if you could find someone to explain the prompt to you properly and help you formulate a proper response for this practice essay.

Writing Feedback / The advertising world has an immense effect on the society - IELTS task 2 [4]

Bayu, your opening paragraph is incomplete. You did not remember to present your agreement or disagreement with the prompt topic. Without that sentence in the introduction, your opening paragraph becomes incomplete. That is not to say that your opening statement is not good though. On the contrary, you did very well in restating the prompt and offering an opinion on the topic. If you had just structured those sentences to reflect your point of view, it would have been a complete opening paragraph :-)

When you discuss the invasive nature of advertising, try to explain the methods by which the companies do this. I do not believe that the Cola Wars is a good example of the power of advertising in terms if increasing the sales of popular consumer goods. The Cola battles do not represent the needs of society. I think a better example for this essay would be either the mobile phones competition or the battle for the next big gadget.

Your conclusion is not as strong as it should be. I feel as though it is because your voice in agreement with the response was not made clear in the essay so it affected the way the conclusion was presented. It is missing a more final concluding message.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: The Negative Effects of Tourism's Countries. [3]

While your essay can only be described as a grammatical nightmare at this point, I will admit that you have some pretty good ideas and reasons presented in the essay, when the reader can make it out that is. I mean, really, it took a few repeat readings on my part before I was able to start to understand what it is that you were trying to say. I know that English is not your first language so the way you wrote the essay is understandable. So I'll do you a favor here. I'll restate your essay using your ideas but better developed paragraphs so you can have an example of how a well written essay with this prompt can be written.

Writing Feedback / Internet based courses are popular alternative university-based courses for students [2]

Caroot, when you develop your opening statement, remember to accomplish 3 tasks within it. Those 3 tasks are :

1. Restate the prompt in the manner that you understand it.
2. Indicate an overview of the succeeding discussion.
3. Mention your opinion on the matter.

Presenting those 3 elements should not take more than 5 sentences for you to do. In this instance however, you failed to present task number 3. I did not read any mention of your opinion on the matter. Please revise your essay to reflect the missing element. Everything else in the essay is acceptable as reasons and only require some grammar adjustments.

----------

Internet-based training courses are A famous type of university courses . As such, it is argued that pupils STUDENTS should not attend to classES. While it is utterly true, as it provides education to remoteLY LOCATED studentS that WHO would not able to travel to THE university, it is claimed that face-to-face learning has more POSITIVE EFFECTS effective for students.

COMMENT: STATE YOUR OPINION AS THE FINAL SENTENCE.

First of all, some available courses on the internet are delivered formal subjects with regularly times REQUIRE REGULAR CLASS ATTENDANCE JUST THE SAME. It is helpful for ALLOWS students from THE countryside areas to obtain similar knowledge as other UNIVERSITY ATTENDING students. For instance, a recent poll by the UK University found that by 15% of students who attended internet based training courses increased each year because of the better education system. As a result, students can access internet based courses wherever A wireless hot spot and internet connection is available in their areas.

On the other hand, this does not mean that face-to-face learning is not important for students. Firstly,A student can learn more fluently from lectures, if they attend the REGULAR classES rooms . This is because real communications IS still be the best way to obtain knowledge. Also, students have many friends which could WHO CAN help them to share UNDERSTAND a difficult course in THE university. Consequently, pupils STUDENTS have several arguments from their class-mates aim CAN DISCUSS PERSONALLY WITH THEIR CLASSMATES IN ORDER to improve their ability and awareness OF CLASS TOPICS.

To conclude,
COMMENT: YOU CANNOT CONCLUDE IF YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN YOUR PERSONAL OPINION YET. USE THE PRONOUN "I" TO SIGNIFY YOUR OPINION PARAGRAPH.

although internet based courses offer facility ADVANTAGES to studentS who do not need to go to lectures, meeting the lectures in class rooms are very useful for students. StudentS could think advantages and disadvantages SHOULD COMPARE THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES of internet courses BASED learning before they preferto choose this subject THEIR COLLEGE EDUCATION STYLE.

Writing Feedback / The bar graph shows the global sales (in billions of dollars) [2]

Hi Aditya, your report is really good. It is analytical and informative. It delivers the important facts and figures in a simple, yet impressive manner. That said, all you have to do right now is pay attention to some grammar issues. Let me help you with that:

A breakdown of the number of DIGITAL GAMES selling globally in the different types of digital games between 2000 and 2006, a 3 - year period was presented in the bar chart and is WAS measured in billions of dollars. Overall, the highest sales of games were the handled HAND HELD games.

In 2000, standing approximately at 11 billion, the handled HAND HELD games was WERE the most popular games, and this was followed by the console games at 6 million. During t The following year, while games ( WHICH GAMES IN PARTICULAR? ONLINE? DOWNLOADED? ) witnessed a dramatic rise to 17 billion, the CONSOLE games used console declined gradually, a TO half of the first year sales and became , MAKING IT the lowest popular GAME in over the question period PERIOD IN QUESTION.

Interestingly, the online games emerged in 2001 and contributed around 0.5 billion TO THE INDUSTRY. In t The next a year, this increased slightly by 0.5 billion and had the same figure as online games AT around at 1 billion. Both of them, then , grew slightly over the following period and the online games turned OUT TO BE the second MOST popular games followed by mobile phone GAMES in the third position.

Scholarship / I was the topper and class representative for 3 consecutive years, leading a group of 50 students [4]

Abdullah, I would like to remind you that the first part of your essay is exactly what I was asking you to delete in my previous advice thread. Those are the pieces of information that do not really bear any remarkable or memorable aspects of your leadership skills since these events happened long before you had to take command responsibility for the outcome of your decisions. That type of leadership on your part, only developed when you set up your own company. That was when you needed to learn to balance leadership with positive influencing skills.

I would like to ask you again, to just concentrate on a specific time or project when, as the leader of your company, you had to lead and influence the team towards the completion of a task. I specifically want you to develop a clear, stand alone paragraph that explains the motions of leadership and team influencing that you had to accomplish when:

I organized a meeting with the client and we discussed the needs of the client in details, as a result we found out that client was not actually mature enough In his business to list out all the possibilities, so together we re-made the full requirement and developed the module.

By this time in the project development, I am sure that your team was already tired and irritated by the client attitude and demands. Explain how you inspired them to continue working with the client until the project was successfully completed. That discussion is what should comprise your whole essay. Everything else before that, are throwaways so discard those stories.

Graduate / Want to apply for master program in agric economics. Will be glad if my SOP can be fine tuned [2]

Isaac, you have developed your statement of purpose in a manner that I have not seen very frequently in the statement of purpose essays previously submitted here. You appropriately responded to the 4 basic questions that deliver the necessary information to the reviewer in connection with your masters studies. Then, you even managed to throw in an acceptable explanation as to why you felt delaying your studies would be in your best interest. A response that directly ties in the reasons for your decision to undertake masters studies. This is an excellently developed SOP that is only affected in the slighted manner by the improper grammar and other sentence structure problems. Both of which I am more than happy to help you address below :-)

I see a future FOR MYSELF in agriculture SPECIFICALLY in an oil based Nigerian

My goal is a career in Agricultural e Economics where I can use the principles

My love for agriculture started as a kid in high schoo HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.

took us on field trips and also teach TAUGHT us how agriculture can serve as a large contributor to the GDP of Nigeria.

we did enough practical works on the farm

This made me have the zeal to study agric economics and extension as an undergraduate.

This led to me working on the impact of climate change on sorghum yield in Nigeria working together with Professor XYZ for my final project.

I had the opportunity to relate with farmers trying IN ORDER TO GET to know the problems and challenges they face.
global perspective to ON various key issues.

Knowing well that Country A is the fifth largest agricultural exporter in the world and the agriculture and THE agri-food industry employs
the agriculture industry in p Punjabi is the most diversified industry sector in Country A with $13.9 billion in export sales in 2014.

This makes Punjabi the best place for me to gain THE practical and analytical experience I need to excel and achieve my career goals.

Some of my friends have questioned me why I did not progress directly to graduate studies after graduating from the university

The one year gap has also given me the opportunity to start a young farmers club in the school that WHERE I worked where we discussED

how farming can be a source of livelihood for them. I have also been a member of the drug free club, where we organize and sensitize INFORM people on REGARDING drug abuse and the effect it has on their health and mental well being.

In selecting the University of Punjabi, I have been influenced by the way your THE UNIVERSITY research programs addresses agricultural and economic problems. I am particularly looking forward to interactING with Professor Roy and Assistant professor Eric whose work is closest to what I want to pursue. I have been corresponding with James , a current student

Writing Feedback / 'Public Health is the golden path'. Personal Statement for UC's with Public Health Major!! [3]

Omar, I like how you shared your experience regarding working with special needs and allergy prone students with the reviewer. However, you need to immediately clarify that you came into the classroom as an after school supervisor. Can you explain it a bit for the benefit of the reviewer should he not be familiar with the term?

While you went into great detail about the autistic twins, you did not really discuss the case of the allergy prone students. The allergy prone students in my point of view, cover more of the public health issues that you are interested in majoring in than the autistic twins. They require more training on your part for special needs students, not public health. I believe that you should change the focus of the essay accordingly.

Did you go to a satellite or vocational high school? I think you should mention the type of high school you attended because classes or orientation in sports medicine are not really part of regular high school curriculum. From the sounds of it, you went to one pretty special high school. By the way, you need to mention if your position as an after school supervisor is a part time job on your part. Just to be able to explain how you ended up in the company and being in charge of the care of 2nd graders.

Now, I am sure that it can't only be the student reaction to the project you performed with them that made you interested in public health. Try to inject a more personal reason for your chosen major as the last paragraph of your essay instead of the one you have at the moment. I believe that will explain more to the reviewer in relation to the prompt requirements.

Book Reports / 1984 Essay, The private and personnel life of Winston [6]

This is certainly a very well thought out book report Gurjot. It has a depth of analysis that stems from a clear understanding of the hidden meaning of the novel. The quotes that you chose to portray certain highlights of your essay truly depict the kind of world that the characters lived in and how it affected them as human beings and thinking people.

The private and personnel life of Winston Smith The Private and Personal Life of Winston Smith

Nineteen Eighty Four 1984 represents a possible future dystopian world, led by fear and despair. Written by George Orwell, the protagonist of this novel is Winston Smith. Winston's surname is shared with THE SAME AS his fellow countrymen; this symbolizes SYMBOLIZING the Parties Y'S idealistic view of the faceless man.

To begin, Winston can be looked at as a potential hero in the world of Nineteen Eighty Four, 1984 he regularly disagrees with the principles presented by the Party and often struggles with mutability the past.

Secondly, Winston struggles with THE mutability of the past. While working in the Ministry of Truth , Winston comes across a photograph, this photo
The point was that at both trails TRIALS, all three men had confessed that on that day they were on Eurasian soil."
Winston realizes the extent to which the Party will (WILL WHAT?).

it was a crime to be in AN affair that the Party had not assigned.
Manipulation and fear are almost always used by the Party,b By brainwashing the population , the Party controls reality.
"Freedom is F reedom to say that two plus two makes four. If that is granted, all else follows."
He lived in a society where citizens are WERE brainwashed and will do anything that is assigned to them.
It was h now impossible for any human being to prove by documentary evidence that the war with Eurasia had ever happened."
the Party states they are currently at war however Winston is doubtful to OF this. He comes to a conclusion that the Party can not be trusted upon . To summarize Winston's relationship with Julia and his desire for freedom are what keeps him maintain his private virtue against public demand.

While Julia had also loved Winston, she was only a rebel from the waist downwards (EXPLAIN WHY YOU CAME TO CONCLUDE THAT);
they are tortured until they once again believe AND love Big Brother.
Winston lived in a world which is WAS led by fear and terror.

Undergraduate / Blurred Vision among American adults - Common App Personal Essay [6]

Julia, I am not really sure about how to approach reviewing your essay because it lacks an important factor. You forgot to mention the number or topic of the common app prompt that you are trying to respond to with your essay. It is only through knowing the question that you are responding to that we will be able to properly guide you through the revision and polishing of your essay. Kindly provide that information as soon as you can. In the meantime, What I can do is give you some general reviews of your essay.

First of all, it would seem that since this is a college application essay, there is really no need for your to be quoting factual data within in relation to your personal objectives or inspiration for pursuing a course. Such information should be reserved perhaps for a formal statement of purpose or letter of intent, both of which are for higher studies. I believe that you should revise the beginning to skip that information and instead create a more personal instead of academic connection within the discussion.

Second of all, you should really work on the paragraph spacing of the essay. Try to divide it into proper topic paragraphs instead of squishing the discussion into one paragraph like it is now. You need to provide a clarity for the discussion and a sequence of discussion so that the reader can easily follow what it is you are trying to narrate. Right now, the essay is really difficult to follow.

Finally, I think you will need to shorten the reference to the illness and the operation your mother had so that you can direct the events to your interest in this particular field of medicine. That is something that we can help you do once you deliver the prompt requirements to us in this thread.

As far as I can tell, this essay has the potential to be highly effective. It just needs to be adjusted to a certain extent for the purposes of the prompt. I hope to find out what that is soon from you :-)

Scholarship / Leadership through working in a pharmaceutical company - Chevening application essay [5]

There are definitely notable improvements in this revised essay Hanan. It made the essay much more informative and solid than the previous one. All points that used to be unclear are now resolved. You did a pretty good job on your own. Now, I would like to jump in with further editing of your essay so that it can finally find its polished and usable version :-)

My prospective for the true meaning DEFINITION of leadership blossomed during my time working at Hikma Pharmaceuticals , which is the largest pharmaceutical company in the Middle East and North AfricaN region . Throughout my THE experience and the challenges that I faced , I began to implementED the leadership skills that I acquired OVER TIME. BY THIS POINT IN MY CAREER, I HAD ALREADY COME TO REALIZE realizing the tremendous effect that positive leadership and influence can have on the people within the department and the company as a whole .

As a new employee in my role as a Regulatory Affairs officer still getting used to my assigned duties . , I faced my first challenge when I had to fill in for one of the key members who transferred to another department, at that time . I had to deal with shipping issues which took a huge toll on our company . At first I was really nervous and discouraged AT FIRST but having a wonderful manager at my side whom I consider to be more of a mentor who kept me on the track by TEACHING AND believing in me . My manager 's guidance had a terrific NOTABLE impact on me in terms of not only succeeding in tackling the shipping problems but also becoming the most experienced team member in REGARDING such issues. , t Therefore I arranged to conduct CONDUCTED a training session for my teammates in order to share my experience and help empower them .

Shortly afterwards and u Upon the decision of our senior management I was THEN assigned as a leader for a highly important project which aims for tor having THAT AIMED TO CREATE a unified packaging that complies COMPLIANT with several markets across the region which will THAT resultED in minimizing costs and efforts . Despite DUE TO the fact that having different regulations EXISTED FOR EACH specific for each market , I was able NEEDED to organize this issue REGULATIONS FOR EASIER IMPLEMENTATION by dividing my teammates into three teams according to regions . I asking ASKED them to summaries SUMMARIZE THE regulations in their region , therefore making it easier identifying TO IDENTIFY the differences and building a clear action plan based on the similarities . Now that things were settled within our department only thing left was to deal with external department.

The main obstacle that I faced as a project leader was the lack of cooperation between the external departments represented by marketing , design and supply chain . I knew by then that the only solution would be through using the art of influence POSITIVELY INFLUENCING THE GROUP. , therefore I saw the need in conducting TO CONDUCT a discussion involving the aforementioned departments. At the beginning of the discussion there was a lot of criticism and negative energy , . I figured out that instead of giving orders and directions , it was better to ask questions leading the teams in TO providing PROVIDE ideas and suggestions , and . s]/S] Since it was their ideas they completely changed their approach to a more positive " we can do it " attitude, in addition , conducting the importance of the project for our company along with expressing appreciation for the teams has proved to be very successful as till date we managed to unify three of our top lines .

Overall , my experience has taught me valuable lessons about leadership and positive influence. It's through having the opportunity of being a Chevening scholar that I intend to strengthen my leadership skills and use them in the pharmaceutical industry helping in creating future leaders .

Scholarship / LEADERSHIP THROUGH DISASTER. - CHEVENING LEADERSHIP QUESTION [14]

Hi Farzana, I'm always happy to review your other application essays for you. So far, I have noticed a few grammar issues and a point of clarification at the end of the essay. I'll be more specific about those things below:

Par. 1 & 2:
From my experience of growing up in India, attending medical school, working in different states and traveling through diverse regions, I have understood networking is an art - the mastery of which requires confidence and linguistic skill, apart from diplomatic abilities. As a school girl, college student and doctor I was HAVE always BEEN known to be AS a strong and determined personality with out-of-the-box ideas on what to do with the skills I imbibed HAVE DEVELOPED. Engaging with acquaintances, peers, professors, and the world outside institutional settings, has always come naturally to me and helped build perspective in life regarding what I want to do with the time I have, to leave a mark.

COMMENT: I REVIEWED THE TWO PARAGRAPHS AND FELT THAT IT COULD BE BETTER STRENGTHENED WITH THE OMISSION OF CERTAIN SENTENCES AND ADDITION OF CERTAIN WORDS AND PHRASES. I DID THAT ABOVE.

Par.3:
My networking skill, in terms of bearing tangible fruits, panned out in DEVELOPED THROUGHOUT different stages through IN my career. I consider connecting with 'Doctors for You' in 2013 as the first realization of my networking and interpersonal talents. During my time with the organization, I engaged on personal levels with my entire team, AND made friends for life, IN ORDER TO breaking INTO the realm of the doctor-hospital-patient chain. The relief project was a collaborative effort between 'Doctors for you' and 'Save the Children', India. I remained in touch with the presidents and program coordinators of both organizations which , A MOVE THAT has given me access to a huge network of professionals in the NGO sector.

Par.4:
In August 2014, I began working in Portea home healthcare as a resident doctor AS A RESIDENT DOCTOR AT PORTEA HOME HEALTHCARE. and I engaged with senior doctors by reporting to them regarding their patients who were under my care. I built my reputation in the medical fraternity through these connections that I strengthened with everyday efforts. These contacts are now the backbone to the research project I have conceptualized.

Par.5:
In October 2014, when the state of Kashmir in Northern India, was struck by floods, I received a call from Save the Children enquiring about my immediate availability with a message from the CEO of the company requesting my services based on my associations and familiarity with the team in Uttarakhand. This led to my second experience working in an emergency and yet another opportunity to grow my network. Before I left Kashmir the National manager offered me the position of Health program manager in Jharkhand. This was a special offer made to me as a result of the social skills and dedication I displayed, which unfortunately UNFORTUNATELY, I had to decline THE OFFER owing to my commitments at Portea.

Par.6:
The co-founder of my company is someone who I was introduced to during the relief operations in Uttarakhand, AND HAS now BECOME a close friend. We have together TOGETHER WE HAVE raised over seventy five thousand dollars and USED OUT NETWORKING SKILLS TO SEEK OUT POTENTIAL INVESTORS IN OUR COMPANY. our ONE investor has also assured us of an introduction to the Harvard business school alumni for future investments. Work in my enterprise demands connecting with fellow entrepreneurs, the health ministry and huge medical establishments for visibility and endorsementS, which is where my skills will prove to be a huge advantage.

- IS PORTEA A COMPANY YOU CO-FOUNDED OR ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SOME OTHER COMPANY HERE? YOU SHOULD CLARIFY THIS POINT BY MENTIONING THE COMPANY NAME.

Grammar, Usage / "A world community can exist only with world communication ... " How do I paraphrase this quote? [2]

Luzi, I have a few paraphrasing suggestions for you:

1. If the world is to exist as a community, then world communication must exist through the exercise of common understanding, tradition, ideas, and ideals. Although our world is interconnected in terms of gadgets that allow for constant communication, the world does not necessarily communicate well using those technological advancements.

2. Short wave radios allowed man to communicate with the world. However, communicating with the world did not translate into a world community due to the lack of common understanding, common traditions, common ideas, and common ideals.

3. When man thinks of world communication, he does not necessarily think of a world community. That is because even with the advent of short wave facilities like mobile phones and the internet, there is still a lack of common understanding tradition, ideas, and ideals that could bring the world community together.

4. Common tradition, ideas, and ideals are what comprise a world community. However the lack of those traits have prevented our world communication connected world from realizing the start of a world community.

5. In order for a world community to exist, our world has to go far beyond the scattered and extensive short wave facilities across the globe. We need to identify as a world community and become unified with the character traits of common understanding, common tradition, common ideas, and common ideals.

I hope my paraphrasing helps you out :-)

Scholarship / I was the topper and class representative for 3 consecutive years, leading a group of 50 students [4]

Abdullah, the essay response that you wrote is too short and does not really offer an insight into your leadership and influencing abilities. Everything that you mentioned about your college experience does not really equate to an actual and practical leadership experience due to the controlled setting of an academic institution. Once you finally got to mention something that does apply in great relation to the prompt, that of owning and running your own company, you placed it at the very end and decided that it should have even less space than the college experience overview that you gave.

If you want to improve this essay, I suggest that you discuss the obstacles that you encounter as the owner of your own company and the difficulties of having to manage 7 people of varying personalities, talents, and skills. That is the perfect vehicle for you to make your leadership and influencing skills stand out. Not all the applicants will be able to claim a total package for the leadership role as an entrepreneur. So use that marked difference from the other applicants to your advantage. Don't waste the ace that you have by under utilizing it in the essay.

The way that you started discussing how you handled the team of your company and the goals that you set for them are the perfect backdrop for the leadership and influencing discussion. If I were you, I would opt to choose a pivotal moment during this time when you were forced to adjust your leadership style in order to better inspire your workers. Think back over your previous projects and pick the one that seemed the most problematic, and yet proved to be quite successful for your office. Discuss how that happened. That is the best illustration of your skills and that will be sure to catch the interest of the scholarship reviewer.

Scholarship / Leadership is all about having a vision of where you want to be and working to achieve that vision [3]

Ahmad, your leadership in the family is quite an important role to be played in life and is not a common choice for a leadership example among Chevening scholarship applicants. So I think that this personal leadership experience gives you an edge over the other applicants. The only problem, is that it is under developed and at the bottom of your essay. Here is my advice, revise the essay. Solely discuss the family leadership role that you had to portray due to the sudden death of your father.

However instead of simply saying that looks up to you, expand upon the personality and leadership traits that you had to develop in order to keep control of your family. What kind of influencing did you have to accomplish aside from being a role model for your younger brother? Think back to a time when you found yourself asking "What would dad do?". The topic that has you thinking that question is the perfect leadership example that you should present in this paper.

You don't have to define leadership as you understand it in the first paragraph. Allow your story to define what leadership means to you. Explain the importance of leadership and influence to the reviewer based upon this personal experience. As the family leader, you will have been faced with life altering decisions for your family, you would have made some wrong decisions that helped you learn about the pitfalls of leadership and how to overcome them. Portray those situations in this essay. These family based leadership settings will be sure to make your essay memorable for the reviewer, which is the very goal we are trying to achieve.

Scholarship / 'I like famous Vince Lombardi quote about leaders' - Answers to Chevening scholarship questions [2]

Medgat, your first two paragraphs, the quote and then your mentioning your desire to become a Chevening scholar are really useless in the essay. You could really save yourself a lot of word count by simple going to direct to your discussion about your leadership abilities. It is important to always center upon the actual prompt discussion and avoid discussing unrelated or fluff topics in an essay of this importance. Those only serve as distractions for the reviewer. Just start off the paragraph with the description of your 12 years of work experience. That is more than enough to reel in the reviewer with regards to reading your essay.

Let me show you how to better edit that particular portion for content and grammar issues:

At my current job I am on a regular basis I REGULARLY participate at IN various thematic events like conferences and forums
For instance, in May of this year I have organized two panel sessions
Prof. Yelena Kalyuzhnova from the University of Reading to be a moderator in AT one of our sessionS. Later i In August I have participated as a speaker at the workshop "Promotion of Clean Energy in Resource-Rich Countries: Case Study of Kazakhstan", which was organized by the University of Reading with THE support of the Newton-Al-Farabi Partnership Programme, British Council. The outcome of that workshop was WERE the proposals for the Astana EXPO-2017; I was one of judges in committee ...

COMMENT: THE KEY CHALLENGES DO NOT HELP TO PROVE YOUR LEADERSHIP AND INFLUENCING ABILITIES SO IT SHOULD NOT BE MENTIONED

Furthermore, from last year , I WAS as a visiting lecturer I have started to WHO deliverED THE module on Strategic Management and Business Policy for an Executive MBA students both at KIMEP University and at Business School of Kazakh Humanities and Law University (KAZGUU). Hence, upon returning home...

COMMENT: THE LAST SENTENCES ARE NOT NECESSARY AT THEY ONLY REFER TO A SUMMARY OF NON-LEADERSHIP ROLES FOR YOU.

Scholarship / Chevening networking essay : networking helped me secure my first job [2]

Hanan, this extremely detailed and impressive networking narrative is exactly the kind of essay that has a very good chance of hooking the reviewer into considering your application on a more serious level. You not only presented the early groundwork of your network, but you also displayed excellent networking skills when you started looking for a job and then performing your job. I would like to commend you for fully understanding what the prompt required and delivering the exact response that would make an impression on the reviewer. I will admit that there is one section that needs to be clarified but it is not something that can negatively affect the essay. In fact, the clarification can only make the essay stronger. That said, we just need to correct a few things so that the essay will be polished and usable afterwards. Here we go!

Par.1:
The importance of networking skills became evident when I BECAME CONSCIOUS OF THE IMPORTANCE OF NETWORKING WHILE I was still a student at the university .With the support of one of my INTERNSHIP connections I was able to GAIN GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT WITH MY CURRENT COMPANY, WHICH IS AT in a leading multinational pharmaceutical company . When it comes to networking I'm strongly committed to creating new connections and maintaining them as I believe this is highly essential in achieving success in terms of both personal growth and climbing the career ladder.

Par.2:
In DURING my senior year studying to become a pharmacist , I enrolled in the seminar in pharmaceutics & pharmaceutical technology , I choose to conduct my seminar on the quality control department in order to shed the light on their role within the pharmaceutical companies.

COMMENT: I AM A BIT CONFUSED, YOU ENROLLED IN A SEMINAR? OR DID YOU CONDUCT A SEMINAR? AN ATTENDEE NORMALLY SITS AND LISTENS TO THE SPEAKER. A SEMINAR CONDUCTOR CHOOSES A TOPIC TO DISCUSS DURING THE SEMINAR. CAN YOU JUST CLARIFY THAT POINT? THE REVIEWER MAY FIND THAT STATEMENT A BIT CONFUSING.

With the aim of representing my seminar at the highest level of professionalism and transparency , I took the initiative inre-connecting TO RECONNECT with the QC department

COMMENT: YOU CANNOT CONNECT WITH THE DEPARTMENT BUT YOU CAN CONNECT WITH THE DEPARTMENT HEAD OR DEPARTMENT MEMBERS. PLEASE MAKE SURE TO INDICATE THE POSITION OF THE PERSON YOU CONTACTED.

that WHOM I had met earlier at Hikma Pharmaceuticals during a field trip organized by our faculty . Contacting them THE RIGHT PERSON not only made my seminar very successful and distinguished , but also and most importantly, ALLOWED ME I had the opportunity to further tighten TIGHTEN my relationship particularly with one member of the QC team , forming a solid relationship . ,t This was very helpful as I turned to this member shortly after graduation who thankfully was very supportive in informing me about vacancies and passing my CV to the regulatory affairs management , briefly afterwords . I EVENTUALLY earned an interview and eventually became an employee at Hikma Pharmaceutical .

Par.3:
Through working in a dynamic environment in my role as a regulatory affairs officer , I had to coordinate and deal with several departments and multiple regulatory agencies and health authorities,[ g . Giving me the privilege of constantly creating new connections with people in marketing , sales and regulatory bodies across the globe. Additionally I managed to further expand my network through the events and conferences that I attend . Getting to know my connections and approaching them as if I were trying to make friends rather than merely exchanging business cards , in addition to taking the initiative in OF following up and maintaining the relationships whether through sharing industry updates or a simple friendly gesture , This THESE all had led me to possess such a rich wide network from COVERING different sectors .

Par.4:
Being a Chevening scholar offers the opportunity of meeting young motivated leaders from different backgrounds and cultures, and this will prove to be very worthy upon my return to Jordan . , as e Enhancing my networking horizons will serve a great deal in transferring me into A business development position within my current company , where networking skills are crucial in succeeding in such an important position which I aspire to reach as to contribute in improving pharmaceutical industry as a whole in Jordan .

COMMENT: YOU ARE JUST TALKING ABOUT NETWORKING SKILLS. THAT IS WHAT THE PROMPT REQUIRES. THIS LAST SENTENCE SPEAKS OF YOUR FUTURE GOALS AND SHOULD THEREFORE BE IN A DIFFERENT ESSAY.

Scholarship / 'commercial photography market in Russia' - Chevening scholarship. Post-study career plan. [4]

Hi Oxana :-) I'll be more than happy to clarify these points for you. I hope my explanation can further help you enhance your essay. Let me respond to your questions by number alright?

1) I am not demeaning your post study career plan. In fact, I admire you for having some pretty specific post study plans. The problem with your plan, lies in the way that you presented it. When you present your post study plan, most specially your career goals, it is always best to do the presentation using a time frame. Did you see how you presented the plan to me using more details about how it could take at least 5 years to create a good creative cluster? That is exactly what you should present to the reviewer. Use the years that it will take to implement your plans so that you can signify and differentiate between your short term (5-10 year career plan) from your long term (20 year career plan) goals. I apologize for using the term superficial. It was not my intention to insult you. The reason I used the term was because of this specific line in your response:

In addition, I'm going to to reassemble my team, consisting of a make-up artist, stylist and manager and start producing shootings, working on a commercial basis with the local brands of clothing.

It made the response become too self-centered in feel. If you can reword it to be more inclusive of the team career-wise then the superficiality can be limited or erased. If you can just explain how reassembling your team will be beneficial to the photography community in your country then it will carry more impact and importance when the reviewer reads the response.

2) I would suggest that you base your response to the UK interests in your country upon research. Look up the British Photography Council online and read the news section. They have certain photography industry concerns that I am sure will also resonate with the problems that you have in Russia. Those reasons reasons could better resonate in terms of UK interests in Russia, provided the problems or situations that you find parallel your community situation in Russia. The cultural experience / knowledge exchange don't really resonate as a UK interest. The reasons why certain international photographic exhibitions held in Russia might work though. Provided you can find factual connections between Russia and the UK in that case. The idea is to show that the UK can help Russia better develop the photography industry through certain projects, grants, etc.

Scholarship / LEADERS BORN NOT MADE - Chevening essay about Leadership and influence [4]

Maulana, here is the thing that can immediately shorten your essay. Delete everything from the first paragraph stopping only at the paragraph where you discuss graduating from law school. All of the influences, types of leaders, and how you categorize yourself as a born leader are not at all important to a Chevening leadership and influence essay. The reviewer of this scholarship foundation is interested in learning only one thing from you, your immediate past or present time leadership experience that can give them an idea of the kind of leader you can become either in your professional career or community. They are looking for future leaders here, not people with an idealized vision and definition of what leadership means.

I can see the very point of real life leadership and influence skills that you should be highlighting in this essay. Let me quote the section that I believe can deliver the image and message that the reviewer is looking for:

After 2 years in this place, i requested to move to Legal Group because since the beginning my passion is in law field. So from then until now I become senior manager, I have been doing a lot of work that taught me about leadership, specifically to lead in a discussion and to make sure that all the legal advice were accepted by the business unit before they took the business actions.

Make your essay revolve around this particular paragraph because it can really deliver the punch that the essay needs to show off your leadership and influence skills. You specifically mention that you became a senior manager. As a everyone knows, a senior manager in any firm carries a position of leadership and as such, is often faced with leadership trials and influencing necessities to get tasks done.

The reviewer is looking for real world applications of those aforementioned skills. So if you can develop your presentation for a specific scenario that highlights your leadership and influence abilities, you will not have to rely so much on trying to define leadership and offering examples of the leadership of other people. Neither will you have to rely on your early education leadership experiences. What your essay needs to do is define what leadership means to you through your real life experiences.

Let me know if you need a step by step guide as to how to revise your essay. I'll be more than happy to point you in the right direction :-)

Undergraduate / The University of San Diego fulfills my 'college wishlist' completely. [3]

SBC, the first question I will ask you is, what is the word count related to this prompt? The second question relates to the first, why are your answers so short and underdeveloped? Third, did it ever occur to you that giving summary answers to the question does not really offer a clear understanding of your reasons?

In my opinion, if you had a limited word count for this essay, you should have concentrated on presenting only your single or 2 most prominent, important, and strong reasons for opting to enroll at the University of San Diego. Giving the reviewer one sentence for a reason and one sentence for an explanation just leaves him with more questions than answers. So this significantly short statement might not work in your favor when you submit it.

If you have around 250 to 500 words allotted for this statement, then please expand upon your explanation for all your reasons. Make them one paragraph each and use 5 sentences at the very least to explain yourself. If you have only 150-300 words maximum, I suggest that you choose only one, two reasons at the most, to use as a significantly developed reasons for your interest in the school.

Somehow I feel like you should be able to mention what the contents of your wishlist for a college are. It seems to me that the list is an integral part of your response to the prompt. Is there any chance that you can do that?

Undergraduate / 'my mom discuss her experiences at the LSA School' - U of M, WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO HERE ESSAY [2]

Katie, I think that there is a discrepancy in your essay. You cannot claim to be unsure of your major while also saying that you are interested in getting a degree in education. If you are 100 % sure that you want to enroll in the Individual Major Program, then you are considering designing your own major. If you are sure also interested in getting a degree in Education from LSA, then you are pretty much set on what major you want to take. So you need to choose one option and decide that it will be the one decision you will present to the reviewer. You don't give a specific reason for wanting to take IMP while you have a specific reason for wanting to major in education. I think that the stronger choice that will impress the reviewer is clear, you should discuss the education major. Unless, you feel that you have a unique idea for IMP that will better catch the attention of the reviewer, then I don't see why you should mention it at all.

Instead of relying on the story of your mother or the saying about teaching a man to fish, both of which do not really tell the reason why you want to attend LSA school, it is my belief that you should instead make your reason for your interest in LSA concentrate on either a unique IMP program that you want to design for yourself or, you can talk about the excellent education major that the school offers. Either way, that sort of discussion allows you to portray a clear interest in the academic side of the school rather than unrelated reasons.

When you mention that your mom was an LSA student, try to relate some of the stories that you have heard from her to the reasons that you became even more interested in attending LSA. Don't play up the legacy aspect too much because we are not sure that it could affect your admission. However, having a parent who is familiar with LSA is often a good enough basis for your interest in their school. It should only come across as the reason why you learned about LSA. The factors that affected your reasons for applying should not relate to your mother being an alumna of the school. Make those reasons clearly your own. Develop the reasons based upon the academic reputation of the school and your future career goals and interests.

Scholarship / My vision is to influence the telecommunication industry in my country - essay draft for Chevening [2]

Ahmed, I caution you against concentrating this essay on your college project. Regardless of the difficulties that you faced, which do not really seem at all significant in this essay, the fact is that referring to your college experience makes the essay topic seem trivial and does not give it the kind of impact and importance that it deserves to have. It would be more beneficial to your essay to present your professional workplace leadership experience instead.

You should not have trivialized the way that you described your professional leadership development. It is insulting to the reviewer to read that paragraph, which makes your professional experience seem like an afterthought when it should have taken the spotlight in this essay. A true leader does not lead in the manner that you did in college. A true leader possesses the ability to lead and influence people in a professional, unpredictable, and uncontrolled setting. Your college experience can never portray the kind of leadership and influencing ability that the reviewer will be looking for in your essay.

Some of the most impressive and notable leadership and influencing qualities will be displayed by the other applicants in their essay. Anything from military leadership all the way to simply doing an advertising campaign will be presented to the scholarship committee. Their essays will be a thousand times more impressive than yours is at this point. In fact, yours will not only pale in comparison, but it will be effectively ignored by the reviewer and the scholarship committee. If you want to have a fighting chance with this essay, then revise the content as soon as you can.

Focus on a specific point in your professional career that will allow you to display ample leadership and influencing abilities. Relate the situation, what the problems were, and how your leadership and influencing abilities aided you in overcoming the obstacles which led to the successful completion of your project or undertaking. You say that you have had many chances and contributions that helped you to improve your leadership skills. Use that particular paragraph in order to introduce the situation that made the most impact upon your leadership abilities. Discuss it in such a manner that will catch the reviewer's attention and make him consider your application seriously. Right now, this essay is unable to do that.

Undergraduate / The college application for apply to different colleges - the biggest being Rice University. [4]

Hi Mason, this essay is really more than just about your talent. It talks about your background and how some things that you thought had been forgotten could come back and help you become a better person in life. It is , from my point of view, a heartwarming story that introduces you in a touching manner to the reviewer. This is a well developed and written essay that just needs a little grammar adjustment to polish it off :-)

----------

I had the fortuity of discovering one of my greatest passions at an early age.

In fact, it IT was thirteen years ago in a little two-bedroom apartment

four year old boy are not much more than an admixture ODD MIXTURE of images of bunk beds,

Along with these distinguishable moments are those of fascination and wonder provoked BROUGHT ON by the digital piano we owned.

Years later, after moving twice and starting grade school, the keyboard became A distant MEMORY.

As my family sat in the living room talking about this and that, I was in the next room over , glued to the seat in front of the keyboard.

Although I could hear their voices through the wall, my ears were only listening to the sounds projecting EMANATING from the Yamaha's

I missED that old apartment, but I can't COULD NOT wait to play this thing...

It turns out that I had a knack for playing THE piano, and soon I was inventing COMPOSING songs of my own.

Scholarship / 'commercial photography market in Russia' - Chevening scholarship. Post-study career plan. [4]

Oxana, all of your plans seem to be for the benefit of yourself and the industry in your country. I can't find any reference to the UK interests in Russian photography. You were supposed to outline a career plan that could boost not only your career, the photography industry in your country, but first and foremost, the UK priorities in your country. So I guess the first question you should be asking yourself as you develop the outline for your revised essay is "What exactly are the UK priorities in Russia when it comes to the photography industry?". Then ask yourself "How can I connect their interests with the interests of my country in developing this line of work?" Finally, "How do I fit into this picture? What should my participation be in promoting the overall scheme of things?"

Your reflection on your plans are too superficial for it to have a resounding effect on the photo industry in your country. Most of the plans you talk about are just short term and do not really reflect any long term ambitions for the industry or yourself. Try to talk about your goals using a decade by decade or year by year plan in order to create a clear connection between your short term goals that will eventually merge with your long term aspirations for yourself, the industry, and the UK interests in the field.

Your conclusion is too assuming when it should not be. Do not make comments about how possible or impossible your plans are. Just present your plans in the strongest manner possible. Whether it becomes a reality or not is not important. What matters to the reviewer, is that you actually have plans for your future after graduation. Otherwise giving you the scholarship will be useless.

Undergraduate / How I discovered my Korean-American identity through my experiences outdoors - COMMON APP ESSAY [2]

Lauren, you wrote a very insightful essay that has clearly depicted a unique background for yourself. It was excellent at telling the reader about the way that your parents kept the Korean culture and experience alive in your daily lives, even though your family was thousands of miles away from home. The problem though, is that your second paragraph, although detailed in every way, concentrated solely upon what your parents did during this hike and what they shared with you. Your parents became the focus of the essay at that point and you somehow just became a storyteller. That should not have happened. No matter how many characters you have in your essay, the focal point of the story should always surround you as the principal character.

In my opinion, you can still keep the second paragraph as is, provided you add another paragraph immediately after that focuses on the same experience from your point of view. After your parents shared those stories and experiences with you, how did you come to understand the Korean culture? How did you feel as your parents shared the stories with you? You should scatter your comments about being proud to be Korean- American and how unique it has made you within that particular paragraph because it relates to the previous paragraph about your family trying to keep your heritage alive.

By adding that paragraph, you will be able to better transition into the paragraph about having gone on the hike with your friends / classmates and sharing the same information your parents handed to you with them. It gives the paragraph a more special meaning and allows you to better show and tell the reader about how the mixed heritage that you have as created the person you are today.

Undergraduate / I dont need force to keep moving - extra-curricular activities [6]

Devin, change the perspective of the whole essay and you will be more prompt compliant. Don't get imaginative with your responses otherwise you will end up having this essay tossed away by the reviewer. The voices that you should be using in this essay are present active and future active. You have not done these activities yet according to you, so why are you already looking back on it?

The prompt needs you to discuss your ideas at this very moment in time. In the present, looking towards the future. There is no space in the prompt for any flashback thoughts, even though you thought you were able to make it relate to your present and future academic and extra curricular activities. That was an unsuccessful attempt on your part.

Don't jeopardize your chance of getting into your chosen university just because you decided to get creative in your presentation. The reviewer will not know that you are doing that. As far as the reviewer is concerned, you are using past tenses and therefore, these activities have already occurred. As such, it does not provide the correct prompt information anymore. Once the reviewer decides that you did not respond correctly to the prompt, your application is finished, failed if you will.

Scholarship / 'Being a leader, is a big role to fill in' - Chevening essay about leadership and influence [2]

Mohamed, what made you think that your leadership experience in the military, however mandatory would be frowned upon? I am not sure if you meant the last part of your essay as a comment for the people who will be commenting on your essay here at the forum, or if you meant it for your scholarship reviewer. As a comment for the helpful participants here, that comment was totally unnecessary. We are fair and impartial with our comments and give credit to the writer whenever due. If you meant it for the scholarship committee, you should remove it. Don't address the committee directly nor use expressions like "living hell". That is simply not respectable and professional language to be used in formal essays such as these. Don't say you could have pulled strings to make your life easier, that just sounds like bragging. Not exactly the kind of image that you want to create in the mind of the reviewer. I felt the need to bring those things up first and foremost in this review because that last paragraph of yours is sure to have a negative effect on the essay. It would do you well to either delete those lines or rephrase it to sound less challenging and abrasive.

Now, let me help you out here with some grammar edits. I'll be shortening some paragraphs by removing unnecessary references and redundancies in order to improve the focus and message of your essay.

Par. 1:

Being a leader, is a big role to fill in; as it MEANS THAT THE PERSON has A variety of requirements and roles to fulfill.

One should know that his subordinates look up to him for guidance and instructions to complete their tasks in the supposed CORRECT way.
A good leader should have a positive attitude, know how to manage setbacks, take responsibilities, be able to delegate, know how to communicate, and show C commitment.

Par. 2:
As a team leader during my mandatory military service, I was able to practice and apply what I know of being a leader,
COMMENT: CAN YOU GIVE A SUMMARY OF YOUR PREVIOUS LEADERSHIP EXPERIENCES BEFORE TALKING ABOUT YOUR MILITARY SERVICE? YOU NEED THAT TRANSITION TO EXPLAIN WHERE YOU LEARNED THE PRINCIPLES OF LEADERSHIP BEFORE THE MILITARY APPLICATION.

and how to influence my team to stay out of troubles and to be as better as one can be in such circumstances. I and my team was MY TEAM AND I supporting SUPPORTED the Planning office of the Supply and Logistics division for OF the Air Defense Forces of the Egyptian Military. From day one my duties; .

COMMENT: THE LATTER PART REGARDING YOUR DUTIES DISCUSSES YOUR ABILITY TO BE A TEAM PLAYER AND YOUR EXCELLENT ABILITY TO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. SINCE IT DOES NOT COVER LEADERSHIP EXAMPLES ON YOUR PART, DON'T USE IT. WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IS USE EXAMPLES OF THE TIME WHEN YOU HELPED, GUIDED, AND SUPERVISED YOUR TEAM'S TASKS. SPECIFICALLY, DISCUSS HOW YOU INFLUENCED THEM TO ACCOMPLISH THE TASKS ON TIME.

Because I was the most experienced one in my team at the Microsoft office...

Par. 4:

I remember one time, it was Ramadan...

Being a team leader made me always accountable for my subordinate actions; which by the way was not that easy at all; as they were from different environments, different backgrounds and different levels of education.

COMMENT: SHOW EXAMPLES OF COMMAND RESPONSIBILITY ON YOUR PART THAT LED TO FURTHER DEVELOPMENT OF YOUR LEADERSHIP SKILLS. THE COMMENT ABOUT YOU HAVING TO CANCEL YOUR LEAVE OR WORKING IMMEDIATELY UPON YOUR RETURN DOES NOT REALLY DISPLAY A NECESSARY LEADERSHIP SKILL.

Par. 5:
I tried as much as I can to demonstrate my understanding of leading by example and influencing my team members.
Of course you can say that it was the military, so I had to fulfill whatever tasks I was assigned, or my life would have been a living hell, apparently you forgot that I could have pull some strings to make things easier for himself, but I liked being in charge, being respected for delivering whatever is asked from me whenever it asked and liked maintaining a good relationship with my superior officers.

By the way I and my team were able to get a good idol status after finishing our military.
COMMENT: REFER TO MY COMMENTS AT THE START OF THIS THREAD REGARDING THIS PARAGRAPH.

Being in the military service allows you a unique opportunity to show a different side to leadership and influencing abilities. I wish I had seen more solid references to these activities in your essay. The work you did was good, but has room for improvement, provided you do not have to submit this essay yet :-)

Undergraduate / I dont need force to keep moving - extra-curricular activities [6]

Devin, the essay is good. However, the prompt states that you should discuss your current and future academic and extra curricular activities in relation to your future academic goals. The problem that exists now in your essay is that it delves too much on your past academic experience. I can see that you have current training in the form of seminars. That information should be somewhere at the near top of the page so that you can immediately offer an answer to the prompt and prevent yourself from discussing your past academic experiences. You already attended UT, you were already a member of the robotics club. Those are all in the past and therefore, do not fall under the prompt requirements.

What your essay lacks at this point is a reference to your future academic academic activities at the university. Discuss the future classes you look forward to attending and how you hope to have those classes further strengthen your background in electrical engineering and robotics. Maybe you plan on joining the swim team or trying you hand at a new sport as a new student. Talk about how you see those activities helping you adjust to your college life and maybe, teaching you a few things along the way that can help ease your stress as a student. Hey, if there is a robotics club at this university, talk about a keen interest in joining that as well.

Basically, your essay just needs to be brought back to the present and taken to the future of your academic and extra curricular interests. Right now, it is buried in a past that is not relevant to the prompt requirements. While you may feel a need to explain your past activities, the reviewer does not see the point. It is never in your best interest to deliver information to the reviewer that he is not asking for. It shows a lack of skill when it comes to understanding instructions and could adversely affect your application. He is asking for a discussion of your present and future academic and extra curricular activities that will help you achieve your goals, give him that and only that as a response.

Graduate / This is my 1st "LOI" in life. Letter of Intent for "Masters in Professional Communication" [9]

Fahmida, I am disappointed. This essay is not an improvement over the first one that you wrote. You totally disregarded the detailed instructions that I gave you for writing your letter of intent. Had you followed the instructions, you would have been on your way to polishing your essay by now. The same errors exist, the same grammar problems, the same repetitive information from your CV that does not belong in your letter of intent, all of those have rendered this version of the essay as useless as the first. You cannot use this. This is not a letter of intent, this is a personal statement.

I am not sure about how to help you if you cannot even follow the simple instructions i gave you for the revision. I will try to redirect your essay in a manner that I hope, will help guide you in polishing the content. Again, I will not correct the content of the essay. That is not my duty I will however, point out the areas you should remove using strikeouts and offer comments for improvement per paragraph. You have to follow my instructions otherwise this essay will never get done.

Par. 1:
I always dream to have a one storied building in a large open ground, surrounded by greenery - a little far from the city, which is definitely not my own house to live in but an institution to live people's dream. The 1st in my country where training would be facilitated for the incumbents in "media & communication sector" & I will be the founder trainer of that.

I am considered as good communicator in professional world in my 6 year's career as a professional in media & communication sector at Group M, one of the Bangladesh's leading media agencies, but I can sense where I can even excel more & from a fantastic institute. This is why I am approaching to undertake graduate studies in Professional Communication at the University of Ryerson as I found this program a strong match with my interest & experience.

COMMENT: TRY TO COMBINE YOUR DREAM AND THE IMAGE THAT YOU THINK YOU HAVE A GREAT COMMUNICATOR SO THAT THIS PARAGRAPH WILL BECOME FLUID. START WITH YOUR IMAGE AS A COMMUNICATOR THEN END IT WITH YOUR DREAM TO BUILD THE INSTITUTION

Par. 2:
After my high school, I got admitted in BBA, in Jahangirnagar University- by securing 1st position in admission test. I have performed consistently excellent in my academic career. After completing my BBA- securing 3rd position among 52 students, I got chance to do my internship in "Asiatic Marketing Communication LTD.", a leading advertising agency (affiliated to JWT worldwide) in Bangladesh where I had my 1st hand experience regarding professional communication. That wonderful experience of learning developed my interest to build career in this sector.

COMMENT: WHAT PROFESSIONAL COMMUNICATION EXPERIENCE WAS THAT? EXPLAIN.
So, after completing my BBA program I joined in "Asiatic Mindshare LTD" - the leading media agency (affiliated to group M) in our country . During my 5.5 years career in Mindshare, I have to manage media communication of Unilever brands- the number one advertiser in our country .

COMMENT: THESE INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR AWARDS SHOULD ONLY BE IN YOUR CV AND OTHER DOCUMENTS SUBMITTED, NOT IN YOUR LOI.
As I believe knowledge is the only thing can make difference, I keep on learning. I completed a 6 week certificate course named "Advanced Certificate on Managerial Communication" from Institute of Business Administration, University of Dhaka.

Par.3:
In mid-2015, I was being shifted to another media wing of Group M- named- Media Consultants LTD. (Maxus- Bangladesh) to lead the planning unit for one of the giant telecom operators in the country called "Robi Axiata Bangladesh LTD."

With the whole world moving towards digital, I also keep on updating me. I completed an online course on digital media from "Group M University". I also accomplished an online certificate course named "Twitter flight School".

COMMENT: EXPLAIN HOW THE GROUP M UNIVERSITY AND TWITTER FLIGHT SCHOOL RELATE TO YOUR WORK.
Having worked closely with the Marketing teams of the client and designing and implementing their communication strategy acted as a catalyst in building my excitement towards media and communication & made me think of the future in it.

COMMENT: WHAT CLIENTS? GIVE EXAMPLES OF COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES USED.

Paragraphs 4&5 need grammar editing. That can be done as soon as you have specifically addressed the issues I mentioned above.

Scholarship / Leadership through working in a pharmaceutical company - Chevening application essay [5]

Hanan, the immediate problem that I found with your work is that you have a problem when it comes to using capital letters. It seems like you are not familiar with the grammar rules surrounding it's use. The grammar instruction is that capital letters are to be used for the first letter in every word after a period. This signifies the start of a new sentence. Capital letters are also used when mentioning a person, place, title, and other similar things. Throughout your essay you have either capitalized the first and second word in a sentence or not capitalized the word that needed to be capitalized at all. Please review your essay for those mistakes and correct them within the same essay.

There is also the question of your influencing your co-workers to do what needed to be done. The concentration that you placed upon your leadership skill left the essay wanting in terms of proving your ability to positively influence your group. There has to be some sort of reference to you having a difficult time getting the group to do something but through the proper influencing skill, you were able to gain their cooperation. I think you can do that in the 3rd paragraph where you discuss the lack of cooperation between departments. Instead of focusing on how you called a meeting to resolve the issue, explain how you called the members to a discussion (instead of a meeting) where you influenced them to work together for the good of the team. Develop a paragraph to this effect in order to further solidify your image as an influential leader in your workplace.

While others will tell you that leadership and influence are one and the same, I will explain to you that they are not because a leader, does not leave room for error or advice and expects his orders to be followed as best as possible. A person who can influence, knows how to use other people's ideas to get the job done, encourages team work where there is none, and gives credit the performing group whenever it is due. That is how you influence cooperation in a team that does not get along.

The additional critique that I have of your essay is that the grammar is badly in need of work. The improper sentence structure and word usage often left me reading unclear sentences and paragraphs. However, because of the situation with the content of the essay that needs to be addressed, I would rather that we save the final editing after all content adjustments and proof-reading have been completed. I look forward to your revised essay :-)

Scholarship / Chevening - I have chosen all three courses in the translation and interpretation field [4]

Lina, if you look at the examples of the other study Chevening Scholarship essay samples in this forum, you will find some excellent essays that can serve as your template for writing your response to this question. As of this moment, your response to the prompt is not at all within the parameters set for the standard reply to this question. Your essay is too generalized in content and does not really deliver the prompt requirements.

As you can probably gather from the prompt, you need to be very specific in your discussion regarding your 3 course choices in relation to your chosen masters degree course. That means, you have to mention the specific course, university that is offering the course for study, and a short but relevant discussion of how the course is a logical next step for you given your previous academic training.

When you discuss the logical next step, don't just explain what the course is about, relate it directly to your academic studies, previous major, or current / past work experience. In other words, explain why the course is something that will help you advance your career to the next level of expertise. Don't be so generic as to say that you "have chosen all three courses in the translation and interpretation." Be specific. Name the course and discuss. You need to prove to the reviewer that you have carefully planned your academic career as a masters student, you can convince him by delivering the information that he needs to understand your interest in the courses and its relevance to your career in this essay.

The whole discussion about your course of study should relate to your career advancement in the future. An overview of your future career or career path will be in order for a properly developed discussion of your interest in these courses. Your paragraph about translation" being an opportunity to widen your information about almost everything in the other language's culture, etc." is not relevant to this discussion. It should not be in this essay since it only offers your personal opinion of the advantages of being a translator. It does not explain your course choices. Therefore, it is an unnecessary element in this statement.

Try to adjust the content of your essay to better deliver the information that the prompt requires. I have already explained to you what the requirements are and how you are expected to discuss it. I hope that you can revise the essay in such as a manner that we can continue to help you make it relevant to the prompt when you post the revised version in this thread :-)

Undergraduate / Attitude Change: when opportunities arise, don't wait until it's too late - ED Princeton Pers. Essay [8]

Ria, the change that you did works well for the essay. It does not make it a standout essay but it does help improve the narrative content-wise. The only suggestion I can make at this point is that you improve the ending of the following paragraph in order to transition better into you paragraph about high school. Right now, it reads as:

I thought about accomplishments I had already made and, for the first time, I started to think critically about things I'd still like to pursue or accomplish.

I believe that if you add a line similar to this:

I could not help but think back to all the time that I wasted in high school. How I pretended not to be as smart as I really was, or how I tried to convince people that I did not care about my grades because the truth was, I was a smart student and I cared deeply about my grades. Yet I allowed peer pressure to dictate my academic moves just so I could fit in with the crowd. Why did I choose to stop being an academic achiever?

Those transition sentences should help to make the essay stronger and offer a more interesting look into your personality. Overall, the revisions have already strengthened your application. We are just polishing it now. As far as I can tell, we can't polish it any more than we already have :-) Good luck again with your ED application.

Undergraduate / Attitude Change: when opportunities arise, don't wait until it's too late - ED Princeton Pers. Essay [8]

Ria, we don't have much time to edit and revise the essay since you have to submit this within the day. I'll make the necessary corrections to your essay below. By the way, your hook is not really effective at the very start. It is disconnected from the succeeding paragraph. An effective hook always creates an effective transition into the main paragraph. That did not work in this case, but it could work if you insert it between the the sentences that say:

... my mom got worried and took me to the hospital. (insert ​I felt the bead of sweat drip down the side of my neck...) I was diagnosed with sepsis almost immediately.

That is the most major revision to your essay that you have to work on. As for the rest of the essay, here are my corrections:

I felt the A bead of sweat drip down the side of my neck. My view was blurry, which made it even harder for my brain to process what was happening. Doctors were debating about my treatment while simultaneously injecting me with all sorts of drugs. "Her blood pressure is still only 70 over 37, we need to infuse more intravenous fluid!" was one of the phrases I heard distantly while trying to stay conscious.

During the MY eight years there, I was always labeled as the geek of the class.
Kids bullied me, which resulted to IN my hatred for being smart.
So when I went to VWO at FOR high school,

an extreme case of the flu. When I couldn't walk straight anymore because of the dizziness,
AFTER A BATTERY OF TESTS I was diagnosed with sepsis almost immediately .

I had to stay at the hospital for my full recuperation FOR TREATMENT AND RECUPERATION.
However, it did give me a lot of time to philosophize REFLECT about my life.
I started to question my overall attitude that I had in ABOUT MY life.

During my recuperation of sepsis ,

I went from a good student up to an excellent student.
To my surprise, MY fellow students didn't startto bully me,

Today I say yes to every opportunity and I can only BECAUSE I see doors that are open.

What I have for you above are the necessary revisions to your essay that can best prepare it for submission in ED. Good luck with your application. Your decision to change the prompt to better suit what you wrote was the best decision you made about your application.

Graduate / Resume grammar check--- internship and work experience [4]

Hi Shiyun, let me give you a helping hand here. Again, it will be by paragraph.

Currently trained ING to be an oral English teacher for high school students . I and am expected SCHEDULED to start teaching in January 2016
- I am assuming that you are still training to become an oral English teacher at this point. Which is why I worded it in future tense. If you have already completed the training the sentence should instead read as:

Currently trained COMPLETED TRAINING to beCOME an oral English teacher for high school students (MENTION THE TRAINING DATES) . and I am expected to start teaching in January 2016

Facilitated in preparing THE PREPARATION OF financial data for benchmarking; forecasted ING and analyzed ING the value of publicLY listed companies using THE discounted cash flow model (DCF); . ASSISTED IN determined ING THE return of investments using capital asset pricing model (CAPM)

Promoted privately raised company bonds of small and medium enterprises; simulated stock trading using real-time market data
- NO CORRECTIONS

Made GENERATED AR(account receivables)/AP(accounts payables) accounting entries and related finance documents filing; issued debit notes and credit notes

I think that these corrections ought to improve your resume :-) Good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / Attitude Change: when opportunities arise, don't wait until it's too late - ED Princeton Pers. Essay [8]

Ria, I do not think that you will be able to submit this essay for early decision. The situation that you wrote about does not respond to the prompt. While I can understand how suffering from sepsis and recovering from the bout would be an eye opener for you that would make you strive to become a better person and achieve more things in life, it does not reflect the kind of maturity and responsibility that the prompt is actually looking for.

As you can tell from the prompt itself, you cannot use an illness for this essay because it is not a rite of passage or an informal or formal event (that means traditional) that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family. Since suffering from Sepsis is a medically related event, it does not qualify under the prompt requirements. Submitting this essay in its current form will only result in the reviewer disregarding this narrative of yours. Again, a medical event does not equal to a rite of passage. There is nothing in the event that shows how you were entrusted with more responsibility or acknowledged as an equal or adult by your family members of your community.

Events that cover this essay normally include your parents giving you your first car, moving to the US alone and taking responsibility for your life, assuming a leadership role in the family due to the death or loss of a loved one to divorce or whatever, anything that places a normally adult responsibility on your 17 year old shoulders are the normally acceptable responses to the prompt. The idea behind this prompt is to prove that you have the maturity required to become a college student and that you will not just slack off as a student at Princeton or any other college for that matter.

This forum is filled with examples that you can read to help you define such a moment in your life. I suggest that you take advantage of the samples you can read and learn from them. My advice to you is this, rather than trying to get in via early decision at Princeton, fix this essay first, make sure it answers the prompt, and then try to apply for Early Action in January instead. That will give you more time to perfect your common app essays and increase your chances for admission to Princeton. It doesn't have to be early decision.

Scholarship / 'At my age, I'm confident of my achievements' - Chevening Leadership essay [2]

Masfa, when you write a leadership and influence essay for a Chevening scholarship, you have to keep in mind that you are not writing an autobiography. You are also not writing an academic background paper. All you have to focus on in this essay is the major theme or topic, that of narrating your leadership and influencing abilities in a professional setup. At this point, your essay is a cross between 2 different essays; the personal statement and the academic background essay. Neither of which truly deliver the needed requirements of a leadership essay. That said, you don't really need to part that details the information about your birth, your father, or who sponsored your studies. There is no relation between that information and your application prompt.

The part of your essay that deals with your leadership of school projects does not offer much in terms of informing the reviewer about the intricacies of your leadership skills that were required to complete the project.Right now, I cannot tell which one was your academic project and which one belonged to your internship. Here is a word of advice regarding your leadership experience in this case. Present your story based upon your internship instead of the academic setting. In an internship, you work in a professional setting and deal with with real world professional problems. Such situations showcase your strong leadership abilities in most instances. It will also be easier to present a method by which you influenced your peers as an intern. As an academic student, the reviewer will not be very impressed with any leadership skills that you displayed. Don't forget that you are seeking to become a masters degree student. Therefore, your ability to lead and influence needs to be grounded in more relevant and serious matters. Academic matters are far easier to resolve than the internship and professional situations. By the way, if you have any actual work related leadership experience, you should use that as well. In fact, you should use that in place of the internship whenever possible.

Your last line in the essay kind of comes across as over confident. You don't need to be like that. Allow your leadership experience to speak for your confidence within the essay. Let your other documents portray that to the reviewer. Saying things like that come across as cocky instead of humble. Show a humble side to yourself in this application. Show confidence through your actions and the results of your actions. That is what matters the most to the reviewer.

Scholarship / LEADERSHIP THROUGH DISASTER. - CHEVENING LEADERSHIP QUESTION [14]

Don't scare me like that Farzana! I seriously thought all the hard work we put into that paragraph was all for naught. Next time let me know when you will be skipping a paragraph alright? You almost gave me a heart attack :-) Nice to know that the essay near perfection now. So, let's get to work on this pesky additional information and call it a perfected essay alright ;-)

If this is the exact addition to the paragraph that you will be placing, I suggest that we make some refinements to it. Here is what I suggest:

we We conducted two camps at a time on OVER several days. We didnt DIDN'T waste time in the villages that didnt DIDN'T need much medical attention and yet still kept them happy by conducting a short camp with just one doctor handling the load. This is also how we treated patients in over twenty villages when the initial target was only fifteen..

Those are just a few simple corrections that will better prepare the sentences for addition to the paragraph. I really believe that the addition of this information completes the information required to give a complete picture of what you were dealing with to the reviewer.

Now, here is one last thing that I want you to do for yourself. Review the essay one final time for spelling errors, grammar problems, and any additional information that you might want to add. If you feel there is nothing else to adjust, correct, or add to the essay, then it's good to go :-)

Graduate / 1) why do you want to study further? 2) why the university? 3) why should we select you? - M. letter [10]

Srinivas, we just have to adjust the content of some of you paragraphs in order to lower the word count. Let me do that for you below:

I am a curious engineer who is , passionate, and practical ENGINEER. The UNCONTROLLABLE power demand and regular power cuts which THAT impact India motivates MOTIVATED me to pursue a career committed to finding A solution to these challenges. Therefore ARMED with my bachelors in electrical engineering and work experience in electrical systems, I have decided to A pursue master's programme DEGREE in Electrical Power Engineering which prioritizes on real world problems.

The P programme courses offered by KTH which THAT focuses on power system dynamics, stability and control, as well as on electricity markets which THAT partners with ABB draws DREW my interest towards the university,

impact today's operating power reliability and transmission efficiency will make HELP me reach my goal of providing reliable
I would also like to study on Information and Control Systems courseS offered at KTH focusing on automation, operation, and control of electrical drives
will provide a strong boost to my industrial career prospects.

though I haven't had any chance for TO working with national grids,
maintenance of voltage stability during peak loads, L load distribution management at 33KV and 6.6 KV substations, m .
automation equipment with A wide range of hardware communication

With these we have reduced CO2 emissions in the work area and increasing INCREASED EQUIPMENT EFFICIENCY the efficiency of the equipment. Through this project I have learnt DEVELOPED the ability to critically and systematically integrate knowledge and analyze ANALYSIS,

I have submitted papers at to the University for Integration of renewable sources, automated generation control using Fuzzy logic control as a B Bachelors T thesis. These projects are WERE stimulated in A MATLAB a tool that proveD vital for my Masters Degree thesis and research projects.

As a winner of KTH summer quiz , I have met prof.Rajeesh Thotapalli,
and S studying theory at KTH while modeling optimal solutions for power crisis would prove crucial for technology transfers which I desire TO LEARN from my Masters degree Electrical power engineering at KTH Royal Institute.