Undergraduate / The Dream Addict-Boston University Supp. [3]


ambitious much?


revelations of sorts? what are those? I thought revelations appear a certain times, not throughout...what about this revelation is one of sorts? it's a good one though


I count 8. I WANT 3. why 8. because you can't help but place 8? it fits w. the rest of you essay somewhat. but it's hanging on a limb.


pluralism confusing. what backgrounds? those jock/geek/freak groups? maybe...but those are not backgrounds, those are groups of people who have different ideas


sounds very dreamy.


If you're so dreamy...how are you ready? Make a split connection between being ready and being a dreamer. most dreamers seem like air-heads. show how YOU are different. I'm not saying all are, but what makes you so certain you aren't? tell about that.


the end of this sentence is odd. comma after leap?


what is diversity? misuse of a word?


phrasing is odd in both parts. start with I will give back to this community to the best of my ability and will give nothing short of hard work.?


what DREAMS? pray tell...what big idea? if it's helping people, say. if it's curing cancer, say! if it helping Boston become an underwater city, say! or not :X haha. but be more specific.

Comments: Strong voice, a tad too strong. You stand out because of it, but it sounds a bit too much fluff and not enough real substance once you break it down into what you REALLY have to offer. not prosaic, but does not abide by the prompt...dreaming too much? or just being ambitious...good luck Adam!

Undergraduate / Tennis, MATCH POINT - Common app essay of your choice [5]

tense. make sure you get it consistent.


simulations? what are assimilations?
As Ryan said, focus more on one topic? though it's great that you did both tennis and volunteering, you don't seem all that positive about it? these seem like arduous assignment/goals.


again, somewhat negative. make it seem more open about yourself, with less about you quitting.


I didnt know tennis had umpires :o guess I learned something new.


I like the intensity of your words, but it's not that consistent. Seems like your all for tennis, but not so much for you UN simulations.


what about her being a hard hitter?

Comments: I liked the ideas, but they somewhat don't connect. maybe a better transition between the two topics? one that's more involved and rational? another thing, tense makes it somewhat a harder read.


how does that work with your first round? best of three sets yea? the exclamations somewhat distract here. same with the CAPS. >_> isn't 15-40 matchpoint already for this other girl? and why mention her weight? haha.

Overall, great idea. edits with Ryan's comment in mind.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay. The twentieth century [5]


The great change< the prompt asks about the great change, so maybe another word, something creative? Of all the changes of the twentieth century,... or During the twentieth century, several new innovations changed the world, but electrical ones made the greatest impact. The list of 3 examples is a start. heating and cooling system, and computerized kitchenware. That last sentence is good. however, the prompt asks about the 20th century= 1900s, so maybe the effects/changes already occurred...and are still occurring? This intro works, but there's not much creativity in the language, the words you choose, the phrasing, "the great change...is about...technologies.. They..." is a tad non-parallel.


you chose two changes? A/C (air conditioning) and kitchenware. Your explanations are ok.. but what do they REALLY tell about that are worth mentioning as the ONE and only change of the twentieth century? Yes, A/C is great, it saves people from the harsh cold/heat, but what else does it do? it controls the environment, allows people to live even in the Arctic/Antarctic, or even in the middle of deserts, A/C allows people to regulate food temperature/freeze food, stabilize things for reaction/research/ ship food across countries w.o just ice packing..Be creative! yes electrical appliances were a great change, but what else other than parties :]

About writing skill, the conclusion is better I think than what I read last time. you try to lead into other topics...however, place your topic more in the scope of the change.


Good. but A/C keeps people comfortable, not healthy? well, somewhat healthy, but that's more about diet. however, since you talked about frying pans, steam cookers, etc, this sentence doesn't address that part of the change. If you want, you can mention how these electrical changes are not just those valuable to heating/cooling homes, but also allow people to cook in these more controlled environments. again, creativity to connect what you write about.

Undergraduate / something about you that will help your future roommate, Stanford Prompt 2 [4]


haha. isn't there only ONE way of listening to music? by our ears? or do you mean like hanging upside down, in the bathroom, while you sleep...etc? quite informal, but I like the idea.


more formal here? the jocular tone doesn't quite fit everywhere


again, the informal..I'm guessing your gonna use that the whole way through. ok. but stuffs? make these two ideas flow more rather than just one ideal and the other an example. Why CAPS the AND? same with next sentence..

sharing and solitary are not parallel nouns

Cal problems? calculus? how is that sharing?
annoying laptop? WHAT:?


I drive fast car too :S. um. the grammar went wack here. what does this have to do about you? about learning about YOU?


the quote, it's not much about you unless you say that it is. also...the admitted thing. Iono. it's your call.. but I'd leave it out

Comments: informal much, information much too much. I'm not saying that I didn't do something similar, but maybe narrow down to a few things that are more important to you? show how each thing reflects who you are and how these are just a list of things you do. The double comparison idea/technique is nice, but maybe mention that you ADORE opposites? that you don't just stick with the conventional, the norm, but that you hang on the edge? good luck

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

interesting idea. blocking out your own feelings or something? is that what this was about? or did I get a wrong idea. I'm not sure you have to make each line a separate clause. you don't do that ALL the time, but most. it's fine I guess. about the couplet:

When some calamity drives you away,
tis best to open up and not decay.
ER. ahahah. I'm not good at poetry. was this for someone? did you want a stronger couplet? ;]

edit* after rereading..that attempt (my attempt) failed haha. i'm gonna try again maybe.

Undergraduate / undergraduate course at SVA, Writing Statement of intent! [3]


Are you trying to say that trying to introduce yourself to this school is somehow surprising? or you saying that cartooning is surprising. The ending somewhat hangs there.


I simply enjoyed telling...


that doesnt seem to connect? though I guess I can't argue with you.


Keep the tense similar? you talk in present tense, past tense, then present, then past...


I think you meant, I had not known that characters on paper could give readers the feeling that the pictures were talking and moving. ? something like that? Or are you saying something different?


As I found out that there are many kinds of cartoons all over the world besides Japanese comics, I got into cartooning even more.


It became obvious to you right? say "it became obvious to me that.."


rephrase: started pursuing a dream? started to form a dream? increased your pursuit of this field?


that all art is about messages*


Are you saying that artists intend to place one thing in their art, but readers get a different message? Or that in addition to the author's message, readers make their owns conclusions that reflect their own experience?


I thought it was just so exciting that some people may ...


run-on. As I continue to make cartoons, I have found an ambition to meet many new people, especially those in the arts field, so that I could learn and share varieties of techniques, as well as find new thoughts to gain profundity and originality to my art works.

I like the topic. It's cool that you've had experience with what you want to do. Focus a little more on what was important about cartooning to you, and why you chose it. About the statement of intent, what did you have to address and talk about? Is this a casual statement, a autobio, or experience statement? what do you have to focus on, because I'm not sure what bases you still have to cover.

Essays / [Sociology/Social Sciences] "Period of Enlightenment" Undergraduate Essay [4]

well, have you studied that topic of the Enlightenment? What stuck out? what did you learn? (if anything xD)
there were many different strains of thought or social science disciplines as the prompt calls them.
think of all the authors and what they espoused...change in thoughts of the man, somewhat a new approach that reflected the humanist idea of the Renaissance yes? Maybe I'm wrong..

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay : Stars live and they die. [6]

about content, I just skimmed...but I don't see much you in it...


did you answer this enough for me to know you better? maybe not.. I learned about star life and persistence of humanity

Undergraduate / Common application (my IT skills) [2]


what is IT


I'm confused


phrasing is strange


take out expected or not


i get the irony.. but what do you mean by that latter part


run-on? I don't get the whole picture here. why are you writing about all these things? For draft 1, make sure tense is consistent. also, make sure you focus on one part...IT? what is that, what did you do with it, what did you learn? etc

draft 2...I'm lost. sorry, I dont see the point of saying...this was something I did that meant a lot. maybe rephrase? I'm confused...seriously

Ok...So I'm guessing you're either ESL...or I'm just not getting what you're going at. The idea in the third draft is somewhat there...but I don't get an overall epiphany.. what did you do? make art pictures using a compass? program things on a computer to draw circles? pray tell. I'll try helping you with a solid idea. but i need the idea and the points first.

EDIT* Ah. I see..content.

about your first one, make sure you lay out what you want to talk about, then describe what that activity was (briefly if it is obvious), then elaborate on what you learned, how it affected you, maybe why it is important to you...maybe same for the other ones.

Undergraduate / [Application essay]Dream to study abroad ... [10]

on word 2003, it's Tools>Word Count>Characters (with spaces)

again. choose one topic and narrow it down :P


<<keep that in mind as you write. this will help you take out what you don't need and help you add what you do.

Undergraduate / I've got my game face on, and I'm ready for the pitch--Mt. Holyoke Essay [5]


Fearless, you talking about this? well. try making it more of a quote...Who are they? what is the actual quote? why do you use it? explain it if you want to use it.


nothing really wrong..just that it's rather vague. the notion of never seeing anything better than what I can do/have done sounds arrogant. maybe rephrase to make it sounds more you.


what do you want to tell by saying this? that you read a lot? or that you write a lot? please explain more and talk less it abstract terms. It helps you stand out, instead of just obscure ideas.


you mean you write music? I'm thoroughly confused.


Ok...So I like the effect of this paragraph...but it's much too abstract. it sounds prosaic and the effect of your hands loses its quality


AH. this quote...you don't talk much about it. and you don't have much room to..maybe paraphrase like you did earlier. or make this an earlier topic and progress from there.


Informal a bit


LOL. you seriously thinking about writing that into the essay? I'd advise against it, unless you really talk about the positive impacts that you are willing to do. and make these impacts sounds reasonable or at least possible.

Comments: so your hands, they are working hands, hands that will make a difference, yea? tell how, where you have used them as such, etc...I like this topic, haven't seen it tho :X again. less abstraction, more substance to substantiate the uniqueness of thou hands. :]

Undergraduate / [Application essay]Dream to study abroad ... [10]

sorry I can't read all of your essay. it's quite long for ~2000 words


make sure you address the prompt more..FOCUS as it says.


edit


maybe this event? Maybe cut down and focus more on the fact that you realized that English is necessary for something? Or that event:

One last thing ....2000 characters...NOT words :|

Undergraduate / Why biomedical engineer? Why Johns Hopkins? [6]

Wow. some cheating here >_> I don't want to re-edit all of it. but that ending. I'm shocked. You're ready to sell your body to a college. quite fearless indeed. I like this one's ending better. but it looks to much like a brochure...same with that other one..tsk tskl

Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]

I would like to meet a copunselor :] but why do you have to discuss youR desired major if this is the common app? If you choose different majors for different colleges, then you place yourself in a bad dilemma. Another thing, I talked about my work experience, what I did, what I learned, how I helped. I think this is a rather open ended prompt. elaborating is not merely vomiting back what you stated in the previous part of Activities. I do think, however, that it should show more about yourself. Good luck with whichever one you choose!

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend NYU Abu Dhabi? essay [6]


When I hear NYU, my mind brings to the fore those characteristics high desirable in an institution: top class education, rich cultural diversity, and groundbreaking research. :? maybe

Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]


no comma needed


passive Dx . but overall much better


maybe integrate more into your essay, like combining with the joy and hubris with the work, that you know you did your part, and more.

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend NYU Abu Dhabi? essay [6]


the like top class... is a bit broken off from the the previous phrase. seems like you're saying: this university brings to mind great qualities in a school, like lalala... Restructure.

Abu Dhabi, right here <no comma>


not only will I ..., but I will also... What do you mean by semesters abroad? you plan to study abroad yes? as Toni said, mention about what you want to do at NYU Abu Dhabi. Does NYU Abu Dhabi have those specific notions/characteristics you set forth in the beginning? as for ideas, what else about studying at a university under this prestigious name is a motivation to study there? what does it really offer. solid, concrete notions examples may help

Undergraduate / Math. I have been part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador [14]

just a note, Math is a common word. lower-case it please. one other thing that program now just pops up randomly. >_< anything specific about it that you can talk about? better focus though.

those is it questions...iono really. continue with less passive voice? your first draft had better tense variation and verb variation... :<

Writing Feedback / The role of Citizen Participation in community planning - thesis statment lenght [5]

I see. quite a handful...but if this is a reflective paper, I don't think you have to address it in one sentence..
So basically, have a theses that address the role of citizen participation in changing community planning. You can, in your intro, mention these people's ideologies on the topic, as I think you do...let's see

Although the role of Citizen Participation in community planning has generally evolved over time, the degree to which it has changed is not significant despite significant gains in empirical research. Professionals have not only created theoretical but also more practical approaches towards Citizen Participation such as Desmond M. Conner's "New Ladder" of participation, which is a huge improvement over Sherry Arnstein's "Ladder." <good? I dunno. the next part im not really sure how to rephrase, but I think you get the idea.> Moreover, authors James L. Creighton and Lance Decker have also come up with innovative ways to structure and implement successful participatory programs that overcome barriers. Of the many, the three key theories that underlie Citizen Participation in planning are cohesiveness, responsiveness and early involvement.

maybe expand upon that last sentence and make a transition, but I think this addresses the prompt. it's so bulky, but it reminds me of a tok essay

Writing Feedback / The role of Citizen Participation in community planning - thesis statment lenght [5]

unless Citizen Participation is some group, it should be lower-cased. Also, unless this is a research paper abstract or intro to one, leave out the this paper argues... just state it is words. May be a more complex way, but it looks better. But dang, baby! 1 sentence. I'm awed. a couple semi-colons, a few commas,...

Pray tell what kind of essay you are writing. Theses can be long, and complex, but constraining it into 1 sentence is a stretch.

Undergraduate / Math. I have been part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador [14]

You address the prompt. math. I don't think you need that first sentence. inmediately is also wrongly spelled. Instead of talking about that program, talk about math! tell MIT what you enjoy about math. yes it's great that you mention "spending Saturdays to participate in the Talented Youth Program at the National University of El Salvador"... but what about this made it worth the two hour drives? just doing math? the challenge? the thought of new problems? pray tell. that makes for a stronger answer

Undergraduate / "Chapter 28" - Penn Supplement - one page from my autobiography [3]

Interesting, I was gonna say this is page 217 of a 300 page auto. but I guess if you write the entire thing now...it works. but then again, it depends how long you live.

They classified it as "strange" that I - a male teenager - danced. <I'd only think it is weird if you wore a tutu ^^

big kids bus < hahaha. lovely words need the apostrophe though. kids' ...also make the list after the : parallel.
retorting words that reflected this outlook. <what do you mean? the vocab is a tad off.
of my enjoyment of my Indian culture <interesting possession.

legs have automatically energized
[Okay.. so this is page 217. make sure it remains page 217 and not page 77.. talking about learning dance back then, unless you mention somehow, that when you were in high school you remembered those memories and knew that this was your way of expression, does not quite fit the prompt

, however, <why smack it in the middle of the sentence?

interesting, but some oomph is lacking...iono if it's the fact that ch28 is about a high school dance, or that you just don't organize it to seem as such. still, it's a great topic. maybe make it seem more autobiographical.

Letters / I need a resume and cover letter for a job, don't know where to start [5]

How nice of you to introduce yourself. I advise you to Google Resume and Resume Cover Letter to find what you're looking for. You won't find a resume here. a resume is a compilation of your work experience, your volunteer experience, and if you want, your activities, abilities, and anything else you find appropriate for such a piece of job material. cover letter is a cover letter. name, email, the stuff if you want. again, Google is your friend.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]


passive first sentence. I get the feeling this won't be as exciting as you want it to be. Rather vapid sounding.
Make this YOUR OWN extracurricular! Make it something that STANDS out! maybe not the drills, the repetition, but something that you REALLY saw in it.

Again here:



ask yourself why you write this part? is it because YOU wanted to be mature/not fool around? is that what you saw band as? if so, SAY so.


Erred once more.

But perhaps the most important value was teamwork.

Focus more here? make it more about how you stood out and was part of this team. Because you make it a separate sentence from the previous, make it worth it as a separate one. otherwise, it'd just be more words, more traits that passively associate with band.


Ok. issue. maybe this is why is sounds passive. you're talking about a 9th and 10th grade experience. something that happened two years ago? The passive past tense makes it rather jejune. Make it "zesty" and rhythmatic if you will.

helped me to become a better member of the band and my school community.<again. nuff said.

like your name btw :]

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

you asking if that second one works? i think so.. make the commas right.

Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors College-Discuss some issue of importance... [3]


transition here between these sentences is weak.

My experiences as a young and sickly child have shaped my decision to become a doctor.

this should b and is your focus. however, you say this at least twice. maybe take that out once.

Comments: Overall, strong idea about your PERSONAL health problems. but addressing health care for the nation/local/international context you only did so minimally. maybe talk about this in the beginning and the rest should be fine.

Undergraduate / That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears [6]

repost of your previous one. EF_Team will clean this up i think..

why "terror threats" and why is this your first line? however it separated by a semi-colon before it.
weak transition from intro to body. that last sentence from intro can be combined with previous sentence.

scraper please. we don't scrap the sky. it'd fall down. post 9/11 era seems too strong. talk more about you. how did this caught affect YOU.

Undergraduate / What name would you suggest for Grinnell? [13]

this is really hard to answer. My thoughts are that aspirants should go.
Free thinkers too radical. movers and shakers interesting, but does it REALLY reflect this college?
Nonconformists is a long way of saying rebels...iono

give us some info, why you choose these mascot/names, would help

Undergraduate / Commonapp_Topic of ur Choice_My School [4]

Informal much. Long a bit. Idea seems ok. make sure you have a definite topic. one that you make for yourself and focus on. focus on tense and on verb conjugations.

Book Reports / controversy about Adventures of Huck Finn [11]

The ideals ...o wait. I have homework...
of opening up the issues of racism, hostility, profanity...both literary and historical merit in such a work..

please show more effort in your question. I hope you contribute to the forum more too :]

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

who with people, or other human entities, is the right one.
that with objects, or similar nonhuman entities, is the other.

it's just that we sometimes forget which goes with which. rather a small mindless mistake I think. though it's funny when we talk about people thatwho fail to do this ^^

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]


iono... what IS wrong here?

about plural, yes I understand about that, tis easy enough to comprehend context..
but those sentences such as

If I were to ask you about that wrong sentence, I would be straying from my first question.
And if that were not bad enough, I would be wasting your time. :|

...steps away **

Undergraduate / Common App Essay going to Brown, Rice, Cornell! [4]

no bumping please. EF_Team will suspend you soon. :[

1. include a prompt.
2. ask what you want us to look for
3. think of a more creative title ^^

first sentence is a mess. the ending is "as" half ass-ed as the later sentenced


edit*ing :p

selling my name before the final election to elect five Supreme Court Justices from thirty candidates.
also the well-received thing I dislike. personally biased in a way. make this more of a personal response. although it's great that you were voted supreme court justice, what about this did you really learn, show how you learned it from this event? what did you do in that position? ending is fine i guess... just try making it more about you.

Research Papers / research paper mla format "dress code enforcement in islamic countries" [8]

clueless what to wite? write or cite O_o

well, look online for the information...GOOGLE is your friend. Or, if you have access to a library, look for information about Middle Eastern dress. The portions about arguments- some libraries have online resources.

You can support your argument with the reasoning behind dress code. and show this dress code enforcement is necessary despite the arguments against it. <there. now go research :O

Research Papers / research paper mla format "dress code enforcement in islamic countries" [8]

about this research paper, how many words? And how focused do you have to be? any general guidelines that you have to abide by? These will narrow down or allow you to write more about the issue. For example, a 4000 word research paper may range from 14-16 pages depending on layout, words used, citations, etc.

About a thesis, that's your own idea. xD Ask yourself, why this topic? what important about it? what is the best approach to such an issue? :] introductions can take up an entire page or more depending on what you want to talk about. basically, the intro presents a general explanation of what you are trying to say, why you are saying it, and the importance of talking about it.

Research Papers / research paper mla format "dress code enforcement in islamic countries" [8]

what do you know about dress code in these countries?
if this is a thorough research paper, maybe have an outline like this:
1.intro
2.what is dress code in islamic countries
3.importance of this matter
4.why this dress code is enforced/importance of dress code
5.people/reasons that support
6.people/reasons that reject
...current issues/events/etc

As for points ...go Google :]
you can get citations there too. easybib.com is a good site to make citations for a works cited page.

*sorry, I don't really understand if you're asking a question...

Essays / How to start a Classification Essay on television shows? [4]

there are many ways to deal with television classification. maybe start by describing the eclectic of shows available and possibly the ratings/genres/audiences. then a thesis about how these shows, while of these different genres, have a similar purpose or statement...or that they have many different purposes...I'm assuming you have to discuss those three types of shows? you can also talk about the appeal of such shows to different people, and what meaning they have for these groups.. just some ideas.

Can you explain more what you have to discuss?

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

I've never understood what sth means. s and n and v and adj and adv are simple enough, but the others ones...I always get confused when I'm looking through my french dictionary

Letters / 'I hope that you can give me some latitude on this' - my e-mail sent to UC Davis [3]

However, the school [Burlingame]

I recently acknowledged [ I recently found out that]
I will contacted Burlingame high school on December 14th, but I fear that they may not have gotten it [send my transcript] out on [by the] time [you need it for confirmation].

I think this is fine. Question though, when did we have to send out transcripts for UCs? I haven't sent mine out and I'm not sure when they need them by. Sometime this month, but I'm not sure when.

Undergraduate / Tennis. Common Application Short Answer:Elaborate on an extracurricular activity [4]


informal, but it works I guess
about your answer, you just talk vaguely about what happens in high school tennis. Suggestion: make your answer more personal by showing more about how you learned these characters, what event, if you can specifically recall it, that made you realize this about tennis. While I think it's great that you learn to call lines and faults, etc, what else about tennis makes it the ONE activity to talk about here.