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Posts by ZhoeK
Joined: Dec 18, 2011
Last Post: Jan 6, 2012
Threads: 5
Posts: 157  
From: Jamaica

Displayed posts: 162 / page 3 of 5
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ZhoeK   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Fibonacci in Nature'- Harvard Supp't [8]

Astor

watch in

watch it*

This was strangely remindinged of the video I had seen

Those were the only grammatical errors I managed to stumble across. Mymy, this was a long essay. I think it was fairly well written, some of the transitions could be better so just pay attention to the beginning of each paragraph. Overall this demonstrates how accurate and decisive you are, and how dedicated you are - which are all good characteristics to have. I agree with Jason and Joe about the curiosity.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Place of Worship' - Common App Main [4]

Joe

But by saying "Only the strong will survive" & you walking in, doesn't that subtlety say that you are not weak.
I understand that you have those little indents, but I was just cutting down what I thought you could do without.
Okay though.
ZhoeK   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I have two parents' - MIT - challenge or even that didn't go as planned [4]

Andrew

I struggled with the depression of not being able to find a topic to write about for weeks on end, but eventually I had to pull myself together and put it behind me. In fact, I don't even know how I got some of the days where I couldn't get it off of my mind.(very ambiguous/confusing) The classic symptoms were all there, loosing sleep, lack of appetite, and loss of interest. After getting the worl ds down on paper and putting that dark time behind me, I have been able to appreciate how truly lucky I have been to have a life without any such tumultuous(content is off) events.

Nicely done! I am not sure if it will be received positively by the admins, but I found the 'humour' rather refreshing. It kind of sounds snide/mocking, but I think the end clarifies that. I hope the humour works in your case.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Book, Magazines, Challenge, Events, Summers, History' - Stanford Essays [7]

Historical Moment

As one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, it is expected that I wonder about the Pyramid of Giza. To have watched it being built must have been a fascinating experience, one that I wish I could have had. The enormous pyramid really shows the vast potential of the human mind and body.

I think the second one is better, but it needs a tweak.

Suggestion: As one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, it is no surprise that I wonder about the Pyramid of Giza. It must have been an absolutely fascinating experience to have witnessed its creation. The enormous pyramid exemplifies the vast potential of the human mind in collaboration with the body.

For the five word prompt, is it supposed to be five words exactly?

Favourite Event

Enjoyable and well written while portraying your vast love of art.

Last Two Summers, Books & Newspaper

Nicely done, you showed how versatile you are by giving examples for every field required.

Significant Issue

Pertinent issue. Ssuggesting a cure was also well done of you.

Hope this helps & if you don't mind would you take a look at my common app. essay. Thanks!
ZhoeK   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

Armani

I see, well if I need a few words, I'll be sure to use contractions then.
Hmmm, I think prompt 5 could work. It would just be the diversity part that worries me.

Yep, the limit is tight. Where do you think I veered off?

Working on a revised version.
ZhoeK   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

First: Thanks for all the compliments ;)
Now the critiques/feedback

Movitor

Mhmmm that was not my original intent but glad I could incorporate an element of suspense in my essay. I'll try and fix the transition, I also realized it.

Armani

I'm fraternal and black as well, it really bugged me that I was just a twin, so high school on my own was quite an adventure. Yep, best school in the country (literally, no bragging I live in a small country) and apparently that means we're all rich, its so annoying when I hear outsiders who seriously believe we're stuck up. Though sometimes when I hear my friends talk I'm like 'wow?'.

I'm iffy about the comma too, but will change to fourth grade.
I get what you mean about jumping from idea to idea, I had hoped the progression was smooth and flowed. I'm thrilled, my last essay didn't show too much of me so I was hoping this would portray more of me. I was also aiming at natural and not showy words so mission accomplished! Will check commas and see if I can change a few with periods.

I am at 499 words, but I purposely did not use contractions cause I've always been taught no contractions in sentence, essays etc. Is it allowed/okay?

Max

That was not my original intent, though I can see how you derived that opinion. I was trying to say that when my hard work pays off and I am able to, I will conduct my own travels and hence have my own stories to tell. Well I don't tell much stories now, but in the future once I am able to have more experiences, I will be able to tell me own stories. That part was really to bring it back to the original anecdote where I had nothing really to say about my summer vacation.

I think I see your point, however the conclusion was supposed to demonstrate what I have learned from the environment that I grew up in and the disciplines I have developed because of that environment.
ZhoeK   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Education is limitless' - short answer- co-curricular activity (Teaching) [3]

Janvi

I think your essay is very well written and shows how tutoring has affected and improved you also more importantly it demonstrates what you can give back to a college community. Good Job!

Hope this helps. Didn't see any grammar/content changes I would make. Good Luck!
ZhoeK   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

I have completely changed the direction of my Common Application Essay. I feel that this is more personal and will show more about how I have developed. Any critique, comment, feedback on content, grammar and overall readability will be greatly appreciated. I will return the favour..

Any suggestion for which prompt this will fall under or if it should be the 'topic of your choice' prompt. Also, titles/topic suggestions?

Returning to school after summer holidays had always been difficult for me. I distinctly remember the first day of grade four when the teacher asked the class, "How did you spend your summer vacation?" This was standard procedure, and whether it was addressed formally by teachers or casually amongst friends, I was made acutely aware of how little I actually did. In comparison to the broad and extensive travels of my peers who, in response to the above question, prattled on about their cross-state exploration of America, my biggest safari that summer had been spending two weeks with my grandmother.

At the time I could not grasp why my twin sister and I were regarded like aliens after we proudly made our declaration. I could not fathom why we had never been on an airplane or left the island since the numerous responses my teacher was swamped with designated them as prerequisites. That class was the catalyst for my fervent desire to travel, learn about different cultural perspectives and also my curiosity about the world; but it also made me realize my parents could not afford to provide us with similar opportunities.

READ BELOW

Thanks in advance!
ZhoeK   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Kit Kats: Common Application Essay [10]

Midori

I like the concept of using Kit-Kat's to demonstrate your verve to try new things. I thought, keep regular dark chocolate...I don't want to do things that are common -was a funny yet uncanny way of explaining that you wanted to mix it up. Pushing boundaries and trying new things is always a good trait to demonstrate. Adding the things that you want to accomplish was also a nice touch. Overall I think this essay was well-written and you focused on a specific part of your self and managed to tack in little tidbits about yourself while keeping it entertaining.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the weird little things that define me' - Tufts Supplement Question 3 [7]

Katie

OMG, I LOVE your essay!! It's so daring and risky too which I find very bold of you, though I am not sure how well received this essay will be. I love your humour and I daresay I see the charm to you, fascinating and real tidbits about yourself shone deliriously through and it was an absolute pleasure to read as well. But maybe I identify because I agree with so much things, loved the feminist part, because I too complain when I have to do anything arduous, saying your a hypocrite might come off too strong, maybe "I know a bit hypocritical of me" instead, because your statement is rather absolute and might give the impression that your hypocritical in ALL areas of your life and that is something you don't want. I hope that being as brutally honest as you were helps you - I think its a redeeming quality, which given the right admissions reader, they may also agree. Overall EXCELLENT.
ZhoeK   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No Buzz Lightning' - Common App Personal Statement [6]

Ama

I actually like the fact that she mentioned the two incidents which showed exactly what she mentioned in the last line of paragraph two. The only thing is maybe the flow between the paragraphs was kind of abrupt. Conclusion and introduction were amazing! & the overall essay I think was brilliantly written except for a few grammatical flaws here and there.
ZhoeK   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'religion and history' Lafayette - Why are you interested in Lafayette College? [9]

Lishan

Yes that makes a whole lot of sense.

Lafayette's emphasis on research will also, prepare me for graduate school.
Don't know how that did not come for me.

I know right, I think its so unfair because I have A LOT to say about Lafayette, but I guess they want to see how concise we can be while answering the question.
ZhoeK   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'religion and history' Lafayette - Why are you interested in Lafayette College? [9]

Lishan

Lafayette will satisfy my love for history and religion. It is a dream of mine to interact with Professor Robert Cohn, whose research on the Holocaust and Judaism coincide with my interests. Lafayette's emphasis on research will also give me a chance to pursue research , (kind of awkward & redundant sounding with the use of research twice in the setence) preparing me for my goal of graduate school. Furthermore, the internship and study abroad options for history majors are enticing. The family at Lafayette will truly provide a home where I can both grow and make an impact on.

Overall it was nicely done. LOL, the world limit nearly killed me myself, but I mastered it. Good Luck!
ZhoeK   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Dad won't be happy" Lehigh University: WHY US? [6]

Hadi

No worries. Maybe you could say the professors are what you find the most unique as they will strengthen you academically & will also provide you with what you need socially. So you can still mention Dr. Blum & professors socializing with you and the close knit environment.

Makes sense?
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'How'd your audition go?' - MIT significant challenge essay [2]

Sasha

I think this was bloody brilliant. Loved - I never managed to draw blood & the wiki mention - those brief touches of humour were nicely done.

The first few sentences or rather clipped statements were good attention grabbers though fairly harsh, but illustrated your point. The bawling demonstrated your human side, which I found endearing.

each and every one of them immensely more talented than me,

This might connote a lot of negativity towards yourself.

Maybe change "good" to "Ahhh"/"Okay"..dont want to come off as a liar.

Transition from saunter in unprepared and later could be better.
Overall I think you answered the prompt spot-on! Very nicely done.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "Why Columbia?" "Zombie Apocalypse" - Columbia University Supplement [4]

Christine

I really liked your essay. Starts off with such a different twist topped of with the fact that you integrated other aspects of Columbia that you like. Sweet dude! Well written, I like how you express yourself.

The first time I visited New York City, it was barren; it was nothing I had imagined.

Suggestion: The first time I visited New York City, it was barren and nothing like I had imaged.

famed

Suggestion: imfamous

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / (harry potter, newspapers, no hope, volunteering, Beatles) Stanford Responses [6]

Hannah

I'm not really sure how to judge/grade these tiny titbits per-say...I'll just give my two cents here and there.

affect

should be effect or another word, the sentence itself is quite weird-sounding.

Mhmmm, maybe for your biggest issue response you should be more genuine. Sit down and really think about what bothers you/is a significant challenge about society. If you are writing about something that you are passionate about, your fervour/enthusiasm will come through!

There is some form of humour/wit going on: yahoo, enough said, Amazon book for my addiction.

Hope this helps! If you wouldn't mind, could you look at my common app. essay. Thanks!
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the difficulty of making money' -COMMON APP short answer [2]

I did not quite grasp what you were trying to say in the last sentences, but I still tried to make some sense out of it. Also hope I do not push you over the word limit.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / playing "doctor" ; Penn -Medicine as my calling. [3]

Yusra

You have definitely done your research as you amply provide example of that fact. Its good that you are aware of PENN and I think that the admissions reader will appreciate this as well. You also handled they why you like medicine aspect well, the opening sentence was a good intro, and demonstrates that medicine truly is your calling and has been so for a while. Overall I think your essay was nice and solid, and just needs a little more tweaking.

Is there a word limit?
Hope this helps! & take a look a my common app essay if you can. Thanks!
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I want to become an engineer' - MIT- which department or program [4]

Mhmmmm, okay I think you should pick something and expound on it, for example you could elaborate further on the condition your sister has.

Suggestion: I have always wanted to be an engineer there was nothing else I would rather do. I want to use my strength in math and science (maybe give a fitting example of a type of math/science) along with my grisly determination to change lives. My sister has had diabetes for eight years and has struggled...(provide an example or area she has struggled with/in and then maybe a solution which you could use engineering to help you with). I believe that the outstanding facilities at (insert department/program at MIT) will be able to provide me with the means to solve her problems or alleviate her pains.

Ah, maybe something like that. You need to mention the specific department/program that appeals to and why.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore? Finding a niche. [4]

Emily

This is a really, really good essay. It sounds so sincere and down-to-earth. I did not pick up on any grammatical mistakes either. The touches of humour here and there were perfectly incorporated into the essay and both why you like Swarthmore and tidbits about your personality were brilliantly elaborated on as well. Great Job!

Good luck & hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a sweet tooth for the independent life' -Describe One Activity [10]

Grace

Nice ending and overall a lovely essay! I like the Grace Wei-Grace Kelly comparison.

I became the first out of my peers that had a workplace

Not really necessary, you could use this to expound more on the job.

I delivered over 100 resumes in person and online in one week.

This sentence either.

Hope this help!
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'travel to anywhere I want' - Extracurricular Essay [25]

Sarah

Mhmmmm, I thought I had expounded on how reading has affected me through mention of helping my friends with their homework and the book club sessions I have.
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Love&MD' - Common Application Essay [4]

Patrick

Thanks.
It's supposed to show how I used to tamp down on my personality/weirdness because I wanted to be accepted/to fit in, but since listening to her music I've realized that I should be who I am regardless -basically to live without fear of what others think of me. Also that I have come to grips with my emotions and now embrace them rather than completely ignore them. Both of these has made me a stronger individual, coming to grip with my emotions has enabled me to better deal with my problems as well as other persons and I enjoy life more because I am not trying to be what I think others expect.

That was what I was trying to show. Don't know if you get that.

Denise

Thank you.
I meant that I could better understand and react to persons emotions. Maybe I should reword that entire sentence, it does sound mighty confusing.
Thank you, I was hoping the vocab would flow well.
Why does cynical have to be associated with something bad. Mhmmm, I will change it to skeptic though, I guess that's a lot less harsh.
ZhoeK   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Love&MD' - Common Application Essay [4]

Here goes, and thanks for stopping by.
I would like feedback/critique on my common application essay based on content, grammar and overall readability. Was it terribly boring, ordinary, good, bad, whatever - I would really like to hear your opinion of it, so don't hold back. Also if the title is okay as is, or if you have any suggestion, feel free to mention it. Thank you!

PROMPT: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence. [250-500words]

POTENTIAL TITLE:'Cynical Love'

It was love at second listen.

I was shocked by my profession and how glibly it had rolled off of my usually guarded tongue. For a dedicated cynic who believed naught of 'love' and its follies, I was confounded by how instantaneous and inexplicable the sensation was. In a snap, my once utterly cliché and lacklustre life, as varying as a scratch record, transformed into sheer brilliance. I was forcibly wrenched from the mind-numbing depths of boring and uninteresting melodies with shallow and meaningless lyrics and submerged into beautiful and enchanting music, the likes of which I had never encountered before.

In popped Marina Lambrini Diamondis, my very own prince charming who, under the alias Marina and the Diamonds (MD), has liberated me from the drudgery of pop music and its pervasive nature, one intense song at a time. It seemed more than coincidental yet downright impossible that one musician's lyrics perfectly epitomized my idiosyncratic thoughts and ideas but I found myself relating to every MD song I could find.

Always one to introspect when posed with a predicament, my gut reaction was always to stifle all emotions. I associated emotions with weaknesses, but through Marina's profound lyrics along with the catchy yet erratic beats and, the sharp, unexpected lilt of her voice, I have come to the realization that emotions should be experienced in their entirety: unrestrained and unreservedly. The emotionless void that had consumed me, no longer had its steely grip on me and I am now better able to handle my own emotions as well as others.

READ BELOW
ZhoeK   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a four letter word' - Why Yale- 500 ch. essay [7]

Astor

Much, much better! I really like the opening statement, makes it seem like Yale is special to you.
No grammar mistakes that I can tell. Nicely done!

Hope this helps & Good Luck!
ZhoeK   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a four letter word' - Why Yale- 500 ch. essay [7]

Astor

Well, I think that you can spend more time describing why Yale is for YOU. It doesn't really sound personal.

Hope this helps. & if you don't mind, could you check out my why Lafayette, Gambling essay. Thanks!
ZhoeK   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Two different Common App essays -- love for reading & my father [6]

Nimitha

Okay I see, smart move. I think you should use the first essay because it paints a more rounded picture of you as an individual while the second essay though well-written, is pretty one track and only highlights one aspect about you.

First essay:

Ah, I loved the ending sentence! I think it was rather perfect for an ending. I also love the last paragraph, lovely way to close out. Overall it was a well-written and interesting essay, the Bond part was funny and lightened the mood of the essay. I agree with Denise, maybe you shouldn't use argumentative maybe just stubborn and opinionated.

My father has probably shaped me as a person more than anyone else I knowinto the person I am now more than anyone else . We are very similar in personality - stubborn, strongly opinionated, and argumentative - and so clash very often.

Suggestion: We have similar personality traits -we were both very stubborn and strongly opinionated and would often get into clashes.
Don't know if this is any better, but I tried.

Hope this helps.
ZhoeK   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'travel to anywhere I want' - Extracurricular Essay [25]

Ha, Nimitha no you didn't but thank the persons who corrected me. I like semi-colons too, there just so nifty.

Mikaela

I think that through poetic I have explained my extracurricular well.

Thanks!

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