Writing Feedback / Psychological Effects of War on Soldiers [4]

I'm not a grad student or a professor, so take my edits and comments with a grain of salt!

Very touching essay. You definitely have no problems with personal ethos, and your organization and content were brilliant. Grammar issues are minor. Best of luck, and thank you so much for your service.

Essays / WHY ANTICIPATE OVER TOMORROW? [4]

Tomorrow will bring a better day.
It's all in God's hands
So why worry about what the future has in store for you?
The moment is all you've got
Spend the moment lavishly so that the future won't come as a surprise to you.

Writing Feedback / Lord Arragorn has returned short story. [2]

It is an engaging read, but it gets kind of confusing after the narrator gets hacked and shot. I thought that he/she became a ghost or something, and I don't know how he/she is still alive. Also, the second paragraph is a very, very close imitation of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, when Wormtail reincarnates Lord Voldemort. I guess that's what you were trying to do, but it kind of messes up the flow between the part you made up and the second part...

Scholarship / What constitutes a challenge?; The James Rhio O'Connor Scholarship [2]

This was a very good essay, but I think you need to answer the question "What constitutes a challenge?", answer those questions you had in your introduction a little more clearly somewhere in this essay.

Scholarship / "Practice makes perfect"; Academic achievements,merits, become ambassador,plans after [2]

I think these answers are pretty solid.

For #2, just make sure that you've covered all of the "merits" you've achieved ("non-academic achievements to date, these could be from your working life, extra-curricular achievements such as success in sport or music, work in the community or achievements gained from managing events or societies")

For #3, you did a good job of answering the part of the question about what qualities you have. However, the prompt also asks, "How would you undertake this role?" so be sure to answer that too.

I don't have any problems with #4; the answer flows nicely and answers the question completely in my opinion.

Good luck!

Scholarship / Courage to Grow. The Essay wants to know why i deserve the scholarship. Max 250 words [5]

This is a good start, but there are some things that need more explanation, as well as some things that can be taken out. I would shift the focus of this essay from your mother and her accomplishments to you and yours, because the essay is asking why you deserve the scholarship.

Letters / Brief Description of my career (iOS Developer) [4]

My name is Carlos __________ [You should probably include a last name]. I am an iOS Developer with three years of commercial experience and experience in distributing iOS Apps.

I have worked with Basic Cocoa Touch Frameworks and other frameworks such as MapKit and Core Location, Sqlite. I have worked with all kinds of communication methods such as HTTP request, web service Restful. and web service SOAP; we used JSON for both projects. You can review my CV at:

I am currently living in London and would like to know if there are any vacancies in your company.

Please, for further information contact me at :

Undergraduate / I started my college career 20 years ago; Nursing application essay [5]

I think at the end would be best.

Undergraduate / May is the fifth month of the year; Why number five is important? [6]

It's a good response, but I think you can get a little more creative than listing a bunch of things that come in fives or have five sides... Or at least name more than just the five senses, the pentagon and star, and $5.

Writing Feedback / "Pain is not a pleasant feeling" ; Analyzing the concept "PAIN" [6]

I don't really know what kind of help you are looking for, but this was a very interesting essay to read. However, it does not have a thesis, and it has only a vague sense of organization. You kind of start and end with how people react to other people's pain, but you don't really elaborate on that. Then you go into how physical pain can lead to emotional pain, which can lead to spiritual pain. That was cool, but then you kind of got stuck on the spiritual pain part. Do you think that is the most important kind of pain to deal with? You also briefly mention the suffering person's family, but don't say much on that either.

Undergraduate / A troubled teenager; Person who had an impact on my life [5]

I don't think your essay will be checked unless some red flags pop up. If your story matches your life and your level and style of writing seems normal for your age, then I doubt that people will think you plagiarized it. Especially if your author name is your real name.

Book Reports / About the novel A thousand splendid Suns - Rights of Women [8]

Whether it is due to gender inequality , the Taliban's laws, or marital rape, the women of A Thousand Splendid Suns are living innever-ending horror to which they must endure to survive .

Undergraduate / Perfect opportunity; Motivation letter for student exchange program [3]

Honestly, saying that you want to use a college's money to learn another language is not a very good reason for going on an exchange program when yours already offers language courses. What country are you interested in studying in? What kind of job do you want to have? What can you learn in that country that will help you with a job?

Undergraduate / I will grow, learn, and become successful; Transfer- Why Connecticut College? [3]

4. Additionally, though the opportunity to connect with my peers is important to me, having a unique bond with my professors is essential. At a university where the student-faculty ratio is 9:1, professors will know me by my name and will have every desire for me to succeed.

3. Shrouded by the nature and enveloped by a pristine, beautiful campus,Connecticut College stands above the rest. With its New England charm, collective community, and copious diversity within the student body, Connecticut College appeals to me in ways other universities cannot.

I can clearly see my last few years of college at this university, where I will grow, learn, and become successful in my career path in Psychology .

In the end, the format is your decision. Your reason's aren't very creative, but they are solid and say an adequate amount about you. Best of luck.

Undergraduate / Focus on creating the well-rounded entrepreneur :Why Clive Davis I of Recorded Music? [3]

I also do not have much experience in the studio either.

The course I am most interested in though is Jamaica, and I cannot wait to sit in the front row of Vivien Goldman's class.

Looks great!

Essays / "What success means to you & how Endicott will contribute to your future";Need Advice [4]

I assume that you want to be successful in wherever you end up in life. Write about what you want to do for a career. Then write about what part of your career will make you feel most successful. This can be--and this also works if you don't know what you want to be when you grow up--whether you want to help people, make a lot of money, step out of your comfort zone invent something new, etc. And then write how Endicott will help you accomplish the things you want to accomplish.

Undergraduate / I'd like to become a Performer Entrepreneur; NYU/Statement of Intent [4]

Once my passion for the genre was reestablished, I remembered why I was in love, because of its lyrics and production. It was then that I felt the need to contribute to the genre by creating music of my own .

At school, I spent my lunch periods analyzing the lyrics of some of Hip-Hop's most prominent figures: Eminem, Nas, Rakim, Kool G Rap, and Biggie, just to name a few.

Today, I have grown as a lyricist, but in order for me to be a successful entrepreneur, I must learn more about the business and production aspects of the industry. I have spent some time educating myself about the two subjects, but I have never had any actual experience. [I think you might need some kind of conclusion, maybe connecting your desire for education in those areas to your desire to go to NYU. Maybe "It is my hope that NYU, I will be able to..."]

Looks good!

Undergraduate / Answeres for Common App prompts- KU International Summer Campus [3]

That can be one factor that influenced your decision, if you phrase it correctly (emphasizing that you know there are things you, your family, and American society in general can learn from other cultures and using the community structure as an example), but what are you going to do in the program that is interesting to you? You could vacation in Korea and experience their community. Are you going to take courses at a Korean school? Are you going to get to do community service, or stay with a Korean family, or have the opportunity to explore the city? What are you majoring in, and how will studying abroad help you academically?

Undergraduate / Road to success; "How can you benefit from the education at AUC?" [3]

The Road to Success

To be honest, you would not win an award for most convincing essay. It sounds to me like you have not put much thought into how you will be able to benefit from AUC. For most of your reasons, you can literally substitute any college name in for AUC and have it work. The things you wrote about your desire to pursue Computer Engineering were good, but we need more of it. Does AUC offer computer programming courses? Does it give you research opportunities or does it focus more on lectures, and from your high school experience, which kind helps you learn better? What does AUC offer that no other college does? And many, many other colleges have a high-quality education, a good reputation, and well-trained professors.

Writing Feedback / Affirmative Action desperately needs a face lift!: Essay on a Political Issue [5]

You argued your point very well. But even though you included your personal opinion, it still came off as more of a research paper than a personal essay. Supporting example of the Supreme Court case was good. But I think you should write about your own personal experiences with discrimination, breaking away from stereotypes, or Affirmative Action, or experiences that your friends and family have had.

Scholarship / I see trends and I see fads; Questbridge Common App [3]

Very well-written! I would say this essay better falls under the second prompt, because it's more of "a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you" than an experience. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Homeland Security Graduate School; I never desired to have such career [3]

This is a very engaging essay, and your passion for homeland security is very evident. I have no complaints. Best of luck!

... I cultivated since fifth grade and was working toward achieving.
... was new to the school and had come from a management background.
Every class, she would bring in HSEM pamphlets and place ...
I do not know why; I like to say it was because this is what I wanted to do subconsciously, although I think I just took it out of sympathy.

As a result, I made HSEM my minor.

... job was to study Terrorism and Counterterrorism. The books were bogged down with terms such as "eco-terrorists" and "religious extremists." I did not understand most of them at the beginning. Not to mention, my professor was Dr. Who, a former ...

... by the second week of class, I was now the only female.

I became more assertive, making sure to raise my hand ...
By the end of the semester, I was not only (...) was but also write the research paper ...
... I would probably be in the gender minority and I welcomed the challenge .
...
00 the process have become enraptured by it .

What interests me most about Homeland Security is ...
... people commit egregious acts towards others ranging from power to control to economic hardships.In analyzing these reasons, preventative strategies ...

... because it only toughens my resolve to get it right the next time. I enjoy the pounding of my heart when I have to make (...) a complete failure, as I can always learn from my mistakes.

... that arise from acts of terrorism or all disasters that may involve the loss of life or property, or may affect governmental continuity.
... as I can to prepare, protect, prevent, and recover from disasters.
... Security from Anti-Terrorism University;it would allow me (...) terrorism and counter-terrorism , governmental policies, and the ethical issues. Seeing that the university has classes such as "Violence, Threats, Terror, and Insurgency" (...) in the curriculum, I am positive that this is ...

Book Reports / Critical Analysis of True Marriage in "A Doll's House" [5]

I think your essay is very good, but it needs to have more focus. You should pick one general question that Ibsen raises about love or marriage and focus on only that question throughout your essay. Also, are you analyzing their personalities or their relationships? You have some of both, but you need to pick one and stick with it.

Graduate / Essay on Master studies in BioMechanical Design at the TU Delft [3]

Overall, I think this draft is very good content-wise. Most of your information is relevant and your language is eloquent and formal as far as I'm concerned. The only thing is, it's really long. Is there a word limit?

Undergraduate / Skidmore cares for its students; Transfer-Skidmore/ Academic+Personal Goals [6]

dumi
She's probably referring to the academic major she will pursue a degree for in college.

Maybe "studying my major hands-on" would be a little clearer?

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]

You can use either one of the sentences and you don't need the other one.

Ex. "The woman was the bridegroom's sister." or "The bridegroom was the woman's brother."

Undergraduate / People say that I am absolutely ambitious and they may be right; Application [3]

You say a lot about yourself, but your paragraphs seem a little short and disjointed. What is the prompt of this essay; what is it asking you for? I would explain more about why you want to study abroad. What do you want to learn in the UK? How will studying there help you become a doctor? Why do you want to become a doctor?

I am an inquisitive and down-to-earth person. I am very sociable and quite easy to get along with. I have many friends. I am very determined. I do whatever it takes to reach my goal. If you give me a chance, I can assure you that I will do my best to be successful with your program.

Undergraduate / Temple University transfer essay? 10 year reunion? [3]

I like the essay, and format-wise, you write very well. I especially liked the eloquence with which you create the mountain metaphor, but my issue was that while it was really strong in the first half, it disappeared by the end. Also, maybe by describing some courses or opportunities you know are at the school, you could elaborate on how Temple helped you learn better than Penn State did and how it helped you open up your art gallery.

Writing Feedback / The Absolutely True Diary of Part Time Indian School Book Essay [Year 9, Australia] [4]

At times, I also think you lost sight of the prompt a little. It's basically: 1. Describe the characters' personalities, 2. Relate the personalities to your theme, and 3. Explain what belief or message Sherman Alexie is trying to give about the themes through the characters. For the paragraph about Junior, you did a lot of 2, but not really 1 or 3. For the paragraph about poverty, you did well with 2 and very well with 3, but you probably needed some quotes to describe the people's personalities better. What do they do that makes you think they have low self-esteem? You did a good job with 1 and 2 on Rowdy, but limited 3 to one sentence at the end.

Hopefully that was helpful. Best of luck in your future writing, and overall, great essay!

Undergraduate / Accounting is part of human's everyday life; Masters-Personal Statement [5]

Honestly, I like your first personal statement a lot more than I like this one. You spend a lot of this essay "describing yourself" to readers, but you never back up what you are saying with any examples. Anyone can say they are committed and hard-working or that they are dedicated to the community. What have you done in high school that shows these things?

Essays / Who can bring Change? professional integrity, profound acuity, commitment and passion [6]

I believe that a person with scrupulous professional integrity, profound acuity, commitment, and the passionfor reaching new horizons& touching a sky, can not only conquer any challenge efficiently but can easily oust the prevailing drab status quo by implementing sustainable reforms.

Grammar, Usage / 'the average Joes out there...' - Quick Grammar Check for a sentence [7]

Out of all the Average Joes out there, all I am is a kid with an overwhelming curiosity,anda desire to learn,along and a vivid imagination.

Undergraduate / Culture & Beauty of Portland/ Small Classes; Lewis & Clark Supp- How & Why? [6]

I like the additions, and I think your essay looks great!

Undergraduate / Culture & Beauty of Portland/ Small Classes; Lewis & Clark Supp- How & Why? [6]

It looks good to me. The only things you could consider adding are why you value hands-on learning as much as you do, and specific courses or clubs you are interested in.

Undergraduate / I am in combat. The enemy is stealthy, fast, and skilled; College App [6]

I think your show-don't-tell approach definitely makes for better writing, but at the same time, for many colleges, the Common App essay is the only way to portray everything you want to about yourself to a school. And what I currently get from your essay is: 1. You are fighting breast cancer, 2. You are determined to get better and determined to complete school and live your life, and 3. You like Northwestern University. So ask yourself, "If a person who knew absolutely nothing about me read this essay and got those three ideas, would he or she know who I was?" And if you're satisfied with the answer, then your essay is good to go.

Undergraduate / Skidmore cares for its students; Transfer-Skidmore/ Academic+Personal Goals [6]

"hands-on" instead of "hands on"

"Biology" instead of "biology"

Other than that, I think this is a solid answer and says a lot despite having to be so short!

Graduate / I want to pursue a Masters Degree in process systems engineering [3]

Very well-written! My only issue was that some of your sentences were kind of long. To engage readers, it's important to keep your writing concise and to-the-point. I helped you with that a little, but content-wise, you seem very eloquent and mature, and presented yourself very well with this essay.

Undergraduate / I can easily adapt to a new environment; Transfer College Essay [4]

Overall, good. But I think you should write more about what you want to major in and how this new university will help you achieve your academic and career goals.

Undergraduate / I am more open to different perspectives ; Ben Franklin movable prompt [3]

Overall, very unique answer, as it speaks of your development and commitment to keep bettering yourself. However, I got a little lost in the vague sentences and metaphors in the final paragraph of your essay. Don't just tell me that you're more open. What do you do in school or in extracurriculars or at home or elsewhere that shows that you are more open?

Book Reports / Oedipus the king fate vs. free will help on thesis statement [18]

In Oedipus the King , Sophocles uses symbolism to show that fate unfolds truth.

It looks good so far, but maybe add something about why Sophocles chose to use symbolism or what message he wants to give his audience about fate or truth.