Writing Feedback / Networking - strong ability to make and maintain the network. Show how to use it in the future. [6]

Overall, to me your essay sounds too general. You have one specific example, but even that is a little vague. I think it would be more convincing to have specific details about how networking has helped you and allowed you to help others. Then the benefits you expect to get from Chevening are also very general. In fact, it seems like they could apply to almost anyone, in almost any field, so try to tailor it more specifically to your particular skills and goals.

Here are a few additional corrections I would make:

I have spent almost seventeen years

of which four are only as Planning Coordinator, {this is a little confusing or odd to me - why "are only" here?}

wide and strong network of contacts allowing me to help other colleagues who can likewise help me too.

I have worked on past projects who ask

in helping more people by sharing with them new knowledge

Writing Feedback / These days people pay more attention to artists (writers, painters, and so on) [3]

Hi, you say that you disagree that science and technology are treated as less important, but then you spend a whole paragraph stating how much people are concerned with artists. This paragraph does not really contribute to your thesis that science is given just as much importance.

Also, when you talk about artists, you are mainly talking about actors. I don't know if actors should really be considered artists, at least in the sense that the prompt is using the word. Plus, the Oscar awards are not really academic awards, even though they are given by an academy.

Here are some specific changes I would make:

writers, painters or actors because they are are popular.

technologies have been able to

two decades, likewise have famous people.

academics recognize the talent

like the Oscars are bestowed every year

Talented people deservedly earn a good salary this is dependent on their popularity

people decide to become actors in order to earn well-paid salaries.

actors have become celebrities.

The inventions of the first system operation like Windows {this phrase is very confusing to me}

Bill Gates had not spent his life in developing

In addition, regarding the invention of the internet,

influenced in the way people are living.

have also wanted to do something

and put their attention towards developing technology.

Scholarship / QuestBridge Essay - An Intriguing Topic, Theory, or Concept That You Find Intriguing (500 words) [3]

Hi, the time sequence in your first paragraph is a bit confusing to me. When did you spend hours browsing the website? At night when you couldn't sleep, or earlier? Because when did you get the book? Maybe you browsed the website that and that inspired you to read the book? Or maybe you had browsed the website earlier and that inspired you to choose the book from the library? It is hard for me to figure out and is therefore distracting. Besides that I think you have done a pretty good job of answering the two questions in the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Motivation for sports persons [6]

Hi Ruby, I think you have misused the word "would" in your essay. We usually use "would" in a hypothetical case - "If I were you, I would rewrite my essay." Here, the case is not hypothetical, it is true, at least according to the prompt. So here are the changes I would make if I were you :)

major motivations

and would have detrimental impacts on the sporting spirit. {this "would" is confusing - I don't think you are talking about a hypothetical situation - maybe "and will have detrimental" or "and could have detrimental" or "and has detrimental"

money and fame have become overrated

goodwill, honesty, etc, would become of inferior importance.

is the grassroots to the problems {grassroots is an adjective}

This phenomenon has made many alterations

of their opponents and overcoming their own limitations, has shifted to seeking

players with materialistic mindsets have found ways to cheat,

genuine passion, have been undermined

Sports themselves have become

a source of exploitation for money-makers and fame-seekers.

and have resulted in the undermining

Essays / Title For Poem Analysis Essay [5]

Well, what is your paper about? Are you focusing your analysis on a certain aspect of the poem? Usually reading the thesis statement will give a good idea for a suitable title.

Writing Feedback / My Autobiography..... I'm the only child. [4]

I found a couple errors:

where I was grew up

I graduated [with a d]iploma in Information Technology[,] a two-year

The rest is grammatically correct, but your sentences are very simple and have a somewhat repetitive structure.

Writing Feedback / The total number of minutes (in billions) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into 3 categories [2]

Hi, I thought you did a great job on this one. Your writing is clear, but I do have some specific suggestions:

In your intro, it is a good idea to mention the units, so "time spent, in minutes, by UK residents"

... amount of time [spent] making local fixed line calls
reached a peak of 90 billion minutes, {I would mention when it reached this peak} however, it then began to fall to about 72 billion in 2002.

... increased gradually by around 22 billion in 2002 {to me, this makes it sound like the whole 22 billion increase took place in 2002 - maybe "by 2002"}

then it continued its upward trend in the next four years {it did not really "continue", it switched to a higher linear rate, although to me maybe the whole trend is more exponential

Writing Feedback / Two types of solution of solving poor. [3]

Hi, I thought your essay was pretty good, though I wonder what if the government itself, through corruption and so on,
is the cause of the poverty. Your writing is understandable, but you do have a lot of small grammar and usage errors that makes your writing sound somewhat unnatural. Here are some specific suggestions:

Poor [Poverty] has always been a problem

people argue that it is a good way of handling [the proper way to handle] this issue [is] that rich countr[ies]

governments of rural countries {rural countries are not always poor and urban areas can also be poor}

with the poor nation[s ]

take care of their natives. {citizens seems better here}
are legally running in order {"working" seems better than "running", and why stress that they are working legally?}

and even building [infrastructure] in the local [areas] every year

governments should be accused {did you mean "accused"? This doesn't really make sense}

the life qualities of its citizen[s ] {"quality of life" sounds more natural}

On [In] other words, ... not [act] as a master ... instead [be] a housekeeper

It hence can protect its citizen from offending. {this sentence is odd and confusing}

In conclusion, [wealth-sharing]
As government is the root cause of this problem. {this is not a complete sentence. Use a comma to connect it to the next sentence}

Writing Feedback / Children should always follow their parents' advice. [3]

I think you have done a pretty good job in addressing the prompt, but honoring your parents involves more than following their advice and their rules. I guess I am not sure exactly what the prompt was, since the title of the essay and the title of the post don't match. Anyway, you have given a lot of relevant examples and your writing is clear, but I do have some specific suggestions below. By the way, you do have a lot of "comma splice" run-on sentences. You are not allowed to connect two complete sentences with a comma. You need to use a period or semicolon.

In a common {"typical" seems better here} family,

advice is very ordinary. {"commonplace" might be better than ordinary}
that [offspring] should always {but "offspring" sounds a bit odd for people I think}

this statement is [only] appropriate in some [situations].
reasons [why] children should obey
children[. B]ecause they
of new friends[. H]e does not

what they [say], it is also

little by little[; t]hey are the most people [who understand] their children [best].
his friends[. H]e has his father's

mother forbids him, even [though]

He can go but he still[ stays] at home
their parents' commandment. {"commandment" sounds a bit odd in this context}

they might not update current tendency, {this phrase is incorrect}

The last opinion [that] should be mentioned

My cousin [intended] to become ... parents [wanted] him to be a doctor. The [tried] many ways to convince him [to give] up his dream

carry out his dream[. A]s a result,

but when their [parents'] advice is not reasonable

Writing Feedback / Punishment for Children is important for them to learn the difference between right and wrong? [4]

Hi, I think you did a great job. You addressed the prompt correctly and your format is effective. Your writing is clear for the most part, but I do have some suggestions:

... distinguish the good and bad behaviour [at an] early age. {You have not mentioned behaviour previously in your paragraph, so I would not use "the" here}

... facilitate [learning] this distinction ... {this seems more concise and natural}

... children is tend to be more violent in their whole life. {this is confusing - which children? and I think you mean "children who are punished in this fashion tend to be more violent later in their lives"}

... exert this punishment and violence [on] other people ...

... In the worst [scenarios], an [extreme] crime ...

...on their children will [create a] barrier

... gap and obstacle the [communication] {obstacle is a noun - you need a verb here}

... and as everyone know[s ], [trust] is hard ...

... health of children or [can] even destroy ...

... aware of the right and wrong things, {try to avoid using things - be more specific. Here maybe "actions"}

...farm work if they [waste] some food. ...

.. teach them the hard [work] behind each [grain of] rice. ...

... intend to damage [them]. [These] sorts of punishment ...

... [enhance] the [trust] and communication ...

... punishment will go to the opposite direction for education {this phrase sounds odd an unnatural}

Writing Feedback / Summary: How can parents help students survive the exam season? [4]

Hi, I thought you did an excellent job summarizing this article. You restated most of the points very clearly, but I do have a few suggestions:

... , as what its name aims to, {"title" is better than name here, and this whole phrase sounds a bit odd to me, maybe "as its title promises, gives ..."}

The first thing is expectations matter. {I try to avoid using "thing" - be more specific - here "point" or "tip" would be good}

Thirdly, some strategies ... to brainstorm but keep things in long-term memory. {this section is not very clear. I don't think you used brainstorm correctly, it does not really mean to "think hard". Also, keeping things in long-term memory is the goal}

Fourthly, set a [clear] time limitation ...
This simple work not only {"work" should not be countable here, and another word choice would be better anyway}
... how to control the time [spent] using phones ...

Sixthly, having adequate [sleep] (about nine hours per night) is ...

... solution to refresh students' [minds] ...

Parents should encourage them to get out of the walls {"out of the walls" sounds pretty odd here - only rats live in the walls ;) }
parents somehow should do {"somehow" is not quite right - "somehow should" means you don't really know how they should -
"The President somehow should fix our country." }

Research Papers / Sleep Disorder Research; Introducing sleep apnea the silent killer. [4]

Holt, excellent feedback as always; I really appreciate all the hard work you do on this site. I did want to make sure you are not mistaken in your capitalization note here. Everything I have read says that names of diseases and conditions are not capitalized except when they contain proper nouns, like Alzheimers, Down syndrome, Ebola virus, and so on. Also acronyms of diseases are capitalized, AIDS for instance. Are you sure that sleep apnea should be capitalized?

Undergraduate / New environment, educational system and fresh attitude. Why The New School? - International student [5]

I think the previous commenter may have been a little hard on you. I guess you are from Spain? To me, your grammar is not that bad and your essay is very easy to understand. I think the readers are more interested in learning about your story than in being impressed with florid exposition. The New School definitely is a one of a kind college with a very unusual philosophy and methods that might fit someone with unique educational goals. I think it is ok to mention your failures as long as you follow up with how you managed to overcome those failures, or at least what you learned from them and how you plan to use that knowledge in the future. I do agree that Googling and reading comments online might not be the most impressive way to decide your future college, but realistically that is what many prospective students do. I think you need to focus on the many things that make The New School so unique and connect them to the things that make you unique. You have to convince the readers that this will be a great match. Don't just say "reading lots of comments" - talk about the contents of those comments and what you have learned about New School that inspires you to attend. A college like New School is going to have a lot of applicants, maybe most applicants, who can't imagine going to any other college, since New School is exactly what they have dreamed of - I think you need to convince the reader that you too are one of those applicants. You need to get into more detail than "studying abroad at a small school in a big city" - that seems way too general and underestimates the uniqueness of The New School. Hopefully this is somewhat helpful - please don't get discouraged and continue to believe in yourself!

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

I don't think your essay really answers the prompt - what was the belief or idea that you challenged? Maybe you can modify this slightly to answer the prompt, "5. Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family."

Undergraduate / The words "software", "program" always more important than a "game" [8]

Hi, I agree it is a big improvement from your first essay. In an essay this short, I think it is best to go into one specific topic in depth like you have done, rather than try to fit in too much. Here are a few specific suggestions:

I've been [to] their website ... different games even includ[ing ones in] 3D.

... named INDIGO [impressed me most]. Its style [is] similar to

... amazed me. [Along with determination, their education at] GT is essential. I'm eager to be one of them, [hopefully] I can have the chance.

Writing Feedback / Zoos are capable of preserving species that are facing extinction. [2]

Hi, your grammar is very good. In your intro, I would not write "This essay will do this, this essay will do that" Just write your opinion as a statement - you are the one we want to hear from, not your essay. I would also add transitions like "First" "In addition" and so on to your body paragraphs. Otherwise, I think your structure is effective for an IELTS essay. Here are a few specific suggestions:

... Providing safe environment[s ], as well as

...animals, and by doing [so] they can increase the

... pandas were threaten[ed by] from extinction, but then the government [took] most

... animal kingdom and therefore [make] them more environmentally

... related to the preserving {"preservation" is better} of the environment.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 World Population and Comparison of Developed and Developing Countries [2]

Hi, I thought your report was pretty clear, but I would make the following suggestions:

The line graph shows the [number of] people in

... 1800 and 2100[, while] the bar chart compares the [predicted population of] people

...low-income countries over [the next] 25 years.

.. countries [are expected to experienc ae] steady trend

... the low-income [countries' population] will increase significantly.

The particular [number] of people

... from 1800 to 1960 [beginning with] 1000 [million] people [in the first year of the data shown, and steadily rising to nearly 3000 million] in the first period to near 3000 millions of people in 1960. [After] 1960

... dramatically to [a little] under 6000 [million] people in 2000. Then, the prediction [forecasts that the world] will [reach a] peak number of people in 2040 [at] above 8000 [million] people. [After this apex, the] population [is expected to] decrease to under 7000 [million] people [by] 2100.

[A] {it is not really the same prediction, so we can't use "the"} prediction also [shown] in the bar chart. The number of particular people in the developed [countries of the world] will [remain] steady from 2015 to 2040 [, at a value of somewhat over] 1000 [million] people [throughout the years shown]. However, the developing [countries are predicted to] increase [their] population to 4000 [million] people [by 2040, starting] from [slightly] above 2000 millions of people [in 2015]

Writing Feedback / The spending for education, health and human resources, environmental services and transportation. [3]

Hi, it is helpful if you can include the charts - I am pretty sure these are the ones for your question.

• 
  IELTS_Writing_Task_1.png
  

Undergraduate / "How have you Improved the Life of others" MIT prompt. [4]

Hi, I really liked your essay, though it does have a lot of grammatical errors. Before I work on those though, I wanted to ask you, who were the "unfamiliar faces"? This was a little confusing - if they were friends and relatives you didn't know, then why even mention them? And then "why those people were sad"? If these are your grandmother's friends and relatives, isn't it obvious why they were sad? Or maybe these are families of other patients at the hospital? In any case, this phrase was confusing to me. I like the North Star sentences, but it sort of seems unconnected to the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Being a music software producer is my goal and I hope that GT will help me fulfill it [11]

Yes, I like that a lot better.

Undergraduate / Being a music software producer is my goal and I hope that GT will help me fulfill it [11]

Yes, it could definitely be more passionate. Also, for your example, you write that you work in the computer engineering facilities, have PhD mentors, and join student organizations, but that sounds like every single university. Can you come up with a more specific example that focuses on flexibility/customization?

Undergraduate / Being a music software producer is my goal and I hope that GT will help me fulfill it [11]

Hi, I think this is an improvement. You should definitely focus on the Music Technology program. To me, I always picture the artistry of music and the hard science of computer programming to be in almost completely opposite spheres - picture a Venn diagram with a tiny sliver of compatibility. So this sounds like a unique program that combines right brain and left brain specialties. Maybe I want to know more details about how exactly this program and GT's flexibility can allow you to fulfill your dreams. Here are some specific grammar/wording suggestions:

There are no limits [to] what

... is talented in [ m]usic but passionate about computer[s ],

...my attention because I [dream of creating] software to recognise melodies and [generate] music

...Gil Weinberg can [surely enhance my] knowledge [of] music theory [necessary to develop] this idea.

... customisation and flexibility of Georgia Tech, {of what? of the required courses, or that you can create your own major? This seems too vague}

...Ph.D. mentors and student organisations. {once again, this part seems a little vague - what do student organizations for instance have to do with customization?}

...I could join in the CREAT-X program

...establish a new club [combining] music,

... and make changes happen. {I don't really like this last sentence - it sort of sounds like you want to change Georgia Tech}

Undergraduate / College Essay about a story of me getting lost at Salzburg [4]

Hi, I think this modification is an improvement as it sort of ties the essay together better. Here are a couple of minor suggestions:

That includes taking [the] initiative to reach out

as rich as [when we sing] a harmony of notes. {everything else is first person, so I would make this phrase first person also} So, we must [seek out] and encounter {"encounter" seems a bit odd - maybe "embrace"?}

{"experience the status of being a well-educated individual" seems overly complicated - could you say this more concisely?}

Undergraduate / College Essay about a story of me getting lost at Salzburg [4]

Hi, I really enjoyed reading your essay. I like how you tried to connect back to the harmony theme in your intro, but I don't know if you were completely successful. Maybe if you refer directly to the concept that harmony requires listening to each other. And that we can only listen to each other effectively if we are willing to take risks and reach out to others. Another aspect is that if the choir members are singing the exact same notes, the harmony will not sound nearly as rich as if they are singing a variety of notes, quite different from each other - so you could tie that into the importance of seeking out and encountering diversity. Here are some specific suggestions:

[The] Bad Ischl International Choir Competition was in two days

instructed us with {this sounds a bit awkward to me - maybe "he imparted the most ..."}

people tend to keep distance between [themselves] and anything

(One calamity is more effective than one thousand advices). {this saying doesn't quite translate, because advice is not countable in English - maybe "warnings"?

from remarkably in-awe to downright intimidated. {so the intimidated part comes when you get lost? A little unclear}

if I was granted a once-in-a-lifetime right {"right" isn't quite right ;) Maybe "opportunity"}

getting lost also made me anxious, {I would leave out the "also"}

Finally, dehydration and exhaustion overwhelmed my anxiety, {I might choose a different word than dehydration - it seems like it would take hours to become dehydrated, but it doesn't seem like that much time has passed}

a group of singers dressed as a deck crew {I'm not sure what you mean by a "deck crew"} on the sidewalk,

... can we create harmony. {this seems to be a big connection to your intro, but I don't really see the connection between taking risks and creating harmony}

Then, and only then, [can we] genuinely experience

and the breeder {"breeder" sounds a little odd to me - maybe "breeding ground" is better?} of xenophobia

Undergraduate / "Write about something that you love to do" (200 words or fewer) - Yale essay [6]

Hi, I enjoyed your essay, but I think you could probably condense it a bit more in order to provide a little more detail and maybe discuss MyPiggyBank a little more - that seems like a more impressive creation than your history game. By the way, do not capitalize history - only capitalize languages or the names of specific courses - like History 201. Also it was a little unclear whether you took the history course. I assume you did, but you said none of the science students took history, so that would mean you yourself did not either. Here are some specific suggestions:

... When you decide to [pursue] creativity,

... I was in the science [track] and [ h]istory was an elective subject. [None] of the science students [took h]istory class because they believe[d h]istory is only

... I compiled [ h]istory questions.

... I awarded the winner[s ]. I bought special pens and each time we ha[d ] free periods (no classes) I asked

..the winner [was] awarded with a special pen.

... developed [a ]keen interest

... [Continuing to create, a] new project I am working on is MyPiggyBank. ...

Undergraduate / Edit my Upenn essay (explore your interest) [9]

Hi, I think this is an improvement, but I still think the essay is meant to focus almost entirely on U Penn and how its program in particular meshes with your interests. I think they only want to know your background in terms of why U Penn is such a good fit for you. I don't think we are allowed to post links in this forum, but if you Google the prompt of your essay you will find a good article suggesting how to approach this essay topic. Meanwhile, here are a few suggestions for your writing:

... While my friends [are] enjoying the Premier League matches, I prefer to rather sit [at] my study-table with my headphones on listening to the speeches, reading papers and analyzing the government policies. This interest [has especially deepened] since the day when India had unofficially created

... a clear violation of [the] Statute on [F]reedom of Transit 1921,

... And the irony [was] that the Gurkha soldier[s ] who once fought on behalf of India were now dying due to [a ]lack of medical suppl[ies] from ...

... my competence and interest both [lie] in ...

Writing Feedback / Caring for people and spreading happiness [4]

Hi, your paragraph is a little confusing without reading the first part of your essay. You seem to have a lot of repetition in "positivity" and your reasons seem a little vague. I mean there are many ways to bring positivity into the world, why specifically the medical field? Here are some specific suggestions:

[My experiences] gave me a mindset of [how I can] use my strengths and weaknesses to spread positivity and that ... {this seems pretty broad}

... like the janitor in my school. {I assume you mentioned the janitor in your intro? Otherwise it sounds a bit odd}

... or a pharmacy and bring happiness [with me]. Helping [those suffering] {or another description - it was unclear who "them" is} in a way

... spread happiness. [Besides] learning about my identity ... little at a time. {this sentence is still a little unclear to me} Just as Mr. Freeman Hrabowski, [whose character as] a caring person and his commitment level [in] fighting for his rights interest me tremendously. {this is a little unclear too}

... great traits everyday {two words here - every day} to spread positivity ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2. It is generally agreed today that when a country develop its technologies, the long-es [3]

Hi, your writing is very good, but I don't think you really addressed the prompt directly. I don't think writing letters and seeing people in person are really "traditional skills and ways of life" - this would be more like making pottery by hand or making furniture by hand or cooking traditional recipes - really doing anything "the old-fashioned way". And your first body paragraph just discusses how common technology is, which really isn't a part of the prompt at all. The two paragraphs should be something like 1. It is ok if traditional skills dies out and 2. This is not ok, these skills should be preserved.

Here are some specific suggestions:

... when a country develop[s ] ... I think they should. {In your intro, you make it sound like the prompt's statement is a well-accepted fact, but then you contradict it. I think you cannot assume that the prompt is "generally agreed", that is what you are trying to agree or disagree with}

On the one hand, we [have gotten] used ...

... we need to go on [an] official site

... human beings have [a ]psychological one

...modern technologies make us be dependent on them. {this paragraph doesn't really discuss "traditional skills and ways of life at all"

... have changed loads of {"loads of" is a little too informal to use in an essay like this} our habits: to meet your friend you [no longer have to] go out ... or something [similar].

... traditional experience[s ] and walks of life might remain.

Graduate / For The Love Of Psych Nursing- Set Out To Be A Psychiatric Practitioner Admission Essay [2]

I assume it said "describe your understanding of the role of PMHNP"?

Your essay does a good job of making it clear how much you want to enter this field and how dedicated you are to finishing this degree. Your essay seems a little unorganized though, as there is a lot of repetition, especially when you keep repeating how much you want to be a PMHNP and how much it will change your life. Your answer to #1 is ok, but it would be great to have a few more details. I mean there are many nursing fields where you can work with underserved patients with a variety of work and getting respect. Why the mental health field in particular? I thought your answer to #2 was pretty weak. You say what you are doing but are pretty vague as to how your experience in the ICU and then OPSU/PACU will be applicable to PMHNP or will have prepared you to pursue this degree. Your answer to #3 was ok, but it sounded a lot like information from a brochure or something. Maybe it would be nice to envision how you would fit into the PMHNP world - how do you envision your specific role? And finally your answer to #4 was very good I think. Here are some specific suggestions:

Nursing is a career [providing a lifetime of] challenges and fulfillment. You develop [such a close] relationship with nursing [that] it draws you in [leaves] you craving more.

... field of nursing in all its form. {it would be "all its forms" but this sounds pretty odd to me}

... to get a college education with it all being self-funded.{this makes it sound like you are the first to self fund your education, not necessarily the first to go to college}

... worked as a nurse's aide and waitress. {at first I thought this was what you did after graduating, but now I am not sure - it is a little unclear to me} I am most drawn to the PMHNP because of the work diversity and respectfulness {what do you mean by respectfulness? do you mean your patients or society will respect you? This is a little uncearl} while working with underserved populations. I can see [devoting my clinical career to this] specialized area of practice as one to devote my clinical career as I grow

...As a PMHNP I hope to increase [the] general understanding

... I absolutely love what I do. {this sounds a bit odd here, as if you are already working as a PMHNP}

...into OPSU/PACU nursing. [With] Every position

... The process ... profession of nursing. {this feels somewhat repetitive and seems like it should be in a different paragraph} With my acute care experience

... As a PMHNP {once again, this makes it sound like you are already a PMHNP} I find it

... [The] primary focus [of PMHNP] is promoting

... However, we learn to adapt, we learn balance and sacrifice. {you switched from "I" to "you" to "we" in the space of two sentences, which sounds a little awkward}

... especially [as I have combined] the field of nursing [with] having a family. ...

Writing Feedback / The stages to produce cement including the equipment needed and the composition of the cement [2]

Hi, I think you did a good job in describing the diagrams - here are some specific suggestions:

... stages [in producing] {or "required to produce"} cement

... four steps of [the] cement-making process; crusher, ... {it seems like the steps would be "crushing, mixing, heating, and grinding"}

... the important [ingredients used] to produce concrete. {this last sentence did not seem integrated into the rest. I would have stated that there are two diagrams, with the left as you have described above, and the right showing the process used to make concrete"}

The process of making cement is begun {I would use active voice - "process begins with"} with

...those materials [is] mixed in an automated machine.

... heater. [Once] the heating process [is complete], the material ... that will grind it into the cement. {I would stick with present tense here to be consistent} Finally, cement is packed in bags and then ready to sell.

In the ... concrete. {this sounds a bit odd to me - why not start out by saying "The production of concrete uses four basic ingredients in specific proportions"}

Undergraduate / "We're going to downtown San Diego!" Student's background and identity that show they're personality [3]

Hi, I liked your sailing story, but it seems like you could have done a better job of integrating it into your essay by extending the analogy. I know to sail into the wind you have to tack back and forth instead of trying to go directly into the wind - you know you made the wrong turn when your sail goes slack and just starts flapping uselessly. It seems like maybe you could tie some of these ideas to your own experiences? And how did the story end? Did you and your dad make it downtown, or did you end up having to change your destination? I think there could be lessons drawn from either ending. But I didn't really like the story about the water bill as much. It was unclear exactly why this made you so mad. Did your mom leave the faucet running all day or something? In any case, it sounds like you are being very hard on your mom, because you don't explain the reasons completely enough. And it is unclear what lesson you learned from this experience, or how it reflects your personality, except maybe being a disrespectful son. (I realize you are not, that is just the impression your writing gives to me). Also, it would be nicer to follow more closely the advice "show, don't tell". Much of the personal part of your essay is just you stating what you believe. It would be better to show how your background and experiences have influenced your beliefs.

Writing Feedback / Logging actions also interplay on both water and land ecosystem like nutrients, water, and shelter [2]

Hi, I don't have access to the original article, but your paraphrase sounds pretty good. Here are some suggestions:

... bags are supplied [by] the logging industry. Therefore, it affects the global warming, (...) pollution which [are] mostly influence[d by] the rainforest in Central Africa, ... Logging actions also interplay on {"interplay on" sounds odd to me} both water and land ecosystem[ affecting elements] like nutrients, water, (...), and microorganism[s ].

Rainforest[s serve] as the home to myriad [plant] life as well as other [organisms] such as insect[s ], worms, reptiles, amphibians, and small mammals[, by providing] canopy of branches and leaves keeping it {what exactly is "it" here?} healthy and intact. The canopy also holds {it seems like "cushions" might be better} the heavy rainfall so the water can flow in[to] the porous earth.

... by the tree roots[, which stabilize] the soil. As the result, a healthy soil boosts [root] development and microbial energy which increase[s ] the tree growth ...

A main factor of soil logging {"soil logging" does not make sense} emerges from road (...) and corrupt[ing] the underground water flow. So, the surface of [the] soil wears away, and [exposes an] infertile layer of ...

... logging of aquatic habitats estranges these boons. {"estranges these boons" sounds pretty strange} Eroding soil flows into waterways[, causing] the organic [matter] within its area [to] consume more oxygen [which] then lead[s ] to oxygen depletion, ...

Undergraduate / Edit my Upenn essay (explore your interest) [9]

Hi, I think most of your essay doesn't really address the prompt directly. This prompt sounds like it wants you to focus on your future at U Penn, not the past, which is what most of your essay is about. Really only the last paragraph and the last two sentences of the second to last paragraph talk about your plans at U Penn. I think if you include the story about the gas shortage, you need to make it a little shorter and more clearly connect how that story will affect the intellectual and academic interests. You sort of did this when you say "Regarding my academic interests, I could study Business and Public Policy in the Wharton School with Dr. Katja Seim, one of the chief economist at Federal Communications Commission, and learn more about relationship between public policy and economics. ", but this seems very general and doesn't specifically connect your story with Dr Seim's work.

On a side note, I wonder what the prompt's writer thinks is the difference between intellectual interests and academic interests? I think generally these would coincide!

Writing Feedback / Rainforests are a vital natural supply with widespread biodiversity and inimitable. Logging danger. [5]

Hi, I am afraid your essay was very confusing for me. I think if you had a clearer structure and a formal introduction with a specific thesis statement, it would be easier for the reader to follow your ideas. You sort of jump from topic to topic without any transition phrases. Here are some more specific suggestions: (too much copy-paste = removed )

Undergraduate / Who are the Nighthawks in Edward Hopper's painting? The UChicago uncommon essay. [5]

So is the prompt "Who are the Nighthawks in Edward Hopper's painting?" Is everybody going to write about that topic?

Undergraduate / To fear change is to fear opportunity- UIUC Transfer Essay [3]

Hi, I like your creativity in your introduction, but for an essay this short, I think you have to get to the point a lot faster. In this whole essay, the only part that actually answers the prompt specifically is your very last sentence. It is unclear why you are not satisfied or happy at UT, just that it is a "pretty good school" - that does not really give any details at all. Of course, I would not focus the whole essay on why you are disappointed at UT, but a little bit of specifics would be good. The bulk of your 300 words should focus on why UIUC is your ideal school. You have said it is "comprehensive and multifaceted", but what does that really mean? Why specifically will this university help you become an outstanding certified financial planner? I would expect to read about programs and courses in the business school that interest you, professors who impress you, and so on. In short, you need more details and specifics.

Undergraduate / Who are the Nighthawks in Edward Hopper's painting? The UChicago uncommon essay. [5]

Hi, I thought your essay was quite original and interesting. It was a bit distracting at the end though, because you set the scene in WWII, but then you add yourself and your story. Furthermore, you are an adult in the story, so I can really tell where the fiction ends and where your personal story begins. And you know one thing that bothers me about that painting - where is the door? I guess maybe it is to the left outside of the painting's viewpoint? It still strikes me as odd, but I guess that is the point. Those people are like fish in an aquarium and you get the sense that they have always been there and will never leave.

Writing Feedback / "I HAVE A DREAM" IS STILL A DREAM! ARGUMENT ESSAY [2]

Hi, I really liked your essay, but your prescriptions seemed very vague. Exactly how do you propose drawing the line between colorblindness and race-consciousness? For instance, what would a good housing program that could desegregate a school look like? Here are some specific suggestions:

Martin Luther King, Jr.'s (MLK's), {no apostrophe here} declared that he ... their color. [This] might be the most misunderstood...

... words as a cover for rebutting {"to rebut" seems better} Affirmative Action.
... blacks and other minorities[,] from college admissions (...) in "I Have a Dream" [for] the need to be colorblind. ... judged by the color of their skin[, ]not that the color ...

... absolute colorblindness-both in attitude and in policy- {once again, I would stick to commas, not dashes} has had a dangerously ...
... colorblind down to the letter, [yet] has put a disproportionate ...
Being colorblind, {no comma here} creates problems and then ...

... overtly racial in approach or race-conscious {this phrase sounds a bit odd, it is unclear whether the "race-concious" describes "racial" or "programs"} come with a major ...

... problems that they attempt to [redress]. In the past, programs which [encouraged] {I think with "in the past" you have to use past tense} mortgage lending to (...) homebuyers have had the unintended result of leading to rampant predatory lending ...

.., but rather, it is both/and[:] a balanced combination ...

A world where we judge people by the "content of their character" through understanding how their character was ... {this is not a complete sentence, just a noun clause} That is the world to which ...

Scholarship / According to John C. Maxwell, a leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way. [2]

Hi Younguure, your command of English is very good and your writing is clear. But it seems like this essay could be a lot more detailed. You talk a lot about your thoughts on leadership and give various quotations, but you don't really tie those to your own personal experiences and situations. For instance, you talk about how a woman's primary responsibility should be to manage her husband's household and to lead his offspring, but you don't say how that applies to your personal situation. And then you talk about the three qualities a leader should have, but you don't really give any evidence of whether you have those three qualities. And it would be better to give specific details that show how you acted as a leader in your clubs and at your bank. Just because you are president of a club does not necessarily mean you are a good leader - more evidence would be better.

Scholarship / It is 6 o'clock in the morning of 2026... [4]

Hi, I think you could have incorporated the prompt a little better. You start off ok, but then you switch into this weird past/present story. It sounds more like you as a 15 year old outlining your goals, rather than a 25 year old reflecting on the project she is working on. Keeping this in present tense and first person will be better - for instance, maybe something like "I still have trouble believing how backward the Vietnamese science community is. Even after all these years, they seem stuck in the 20th century. I know my project will help though. Giving high school kids a chance to work in a real lab environment is sure to pique their interest, and help my country in the process. But my project is not going to do itself, so after a quick break I will go straight back to work."

Also, I have trouble understanding you as the main character. You talk about working in the lab, but maybe that happened in the past? Or are you still a scientist? Because your project does not sound scientific, I mean this is not research or an experiment. It is more like a Master's thesis someone majoring in education would do. So are you a scientist in this scenario? Or maybe you are a scientist who in her spare time is trying to push forward this initiative? In that case though, it would not be part of a Masters Thesis.