Undergraduate / "Vacation in China" - NYU Supplemental Essays [9]

Here is some help for the first sentence of the first essay:

My most recent vacation took place in China, where I traveled around and had a very fun time that was full of unforgettable experiences. Since I started homeschool in 2006, I haven't had time to travel around and see exciting things like I used to, but this trip made up for my missed adventures.

And the first sentence of the second essay... what you wrote was correct, but I am helping it sound even better:

Among the many interesting choices of schools at NYU, the Gallatin School of Individualized Study fits me the best. There are many reasons that accounts for this choice, and I would like to explain why.

I took out the word "daring," because it did not sound right -- but maybe I was wrong to take it out? You should put it back in if you want to, but explain why it is a daring choice.

Good luck you you !!!

:)

Kevin

Essays / Specific attitude to encourage students to accept personal responsibility? [2]

It depends on what kind of responsibility, I guess.

If my primary concern was to make students want to accept personal responsibility for "achievement," I guess I would set an example by demonstrating excellence in what I do best. So, I help with composition and grammar.

If the question is referring to a sense of "social" responsibility, I think the important thing is to help the student find something that is important to him or her. Only when you really care about some issue or person do you start to feel the fulfilling encumbrance of personal responsibility. For example, at EF we care about enhancing education for serious students who want to improve their writing. The serious students of today are the ones who are going to have to savee the world of tomorrow.

Writing Feedback / toefl essay: study at home by using technology/study or traditional school [3]


Just before you wrote, "Studying at home by using technology is convenient," you said that you were going to explain why e-learning cannot replace teachers and classroom. So, you should revise this way:

Studying at home by using technology is convenient, but convenience is not everything.

[b]Also, usually it is better not to use contractions (i.e. "can't") in academic writing...

Undergraduate / Starting an admission essay on important discoveries being the result.. [4]

E stands for "example" in that analogy, I think!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / How can you add to the university of central florida? [2]

Have you ever met someone who just does not understand you, or who makes you feel unaccepted? I have met people like this, and one characteristic that I have developed from constantly moving throughout childhood is the ability to be open-minded and learn to relate to others from different cultures .

My elementary school was comforting, because I grew up in a Caribbean environment, and many of the students were African-American.

For example, when I wore braids a girl asked me how do I wash my hair everyday and put it back into braids the next day.

With them in my class, I learned that I can adjust to new situations, and experience similarities and differences without losing my essence in the process.

These cultures have given me the opportunity to learn about the various ethnicities in this world, and I feel that I can...

Book Reports / When King Lear hits bottom? [12]

Maybe it is when Edgar and Gloucester meet up with him. He starts babbling about corruption and then runs away. However, maybe what you want to write about it this whole process of him descending into craziness. It is a cool story; I guess when he hit rock bottom is a matter of opinion. What is your opinion?

Undergraduate / Essay presented for homeschool student - help with grammar [4]

Then, after I went back to my hometown, I started grade five for half a month, and my mother took me and my cousin to United Arab Emirates to live and study there.

I completed grades six and seven in Dubai National School and received numerous awards during this time -- not only in the academic field but in other fields as well.

I enjoyed so much success in the school that my mother began to think that the curricula taught at school were too easy for me.

I guess you should write "mother" instead of "mum," so that you don't sound like a little kid. Also, try rearranging the paragraphs so that a very interesting paragraph is at the beginning -- to hook the reader. You might want to sum up the essay with a conclusion, paragraph, too.

:)

Kevin

Writing Feedback / "the land of the east and west" - my personal essays [6]

These are the things that shaped who I am today. Learning about cultures is one of the things that fascinates me the most. My experience abroad since I was ten has taught me a lot about everything that's happening around me. I am very passionate about going through new and different cultures and feel thrilled at the same time to have the chance to experience all these places along with all these different social interactions.

This essay will be better if you go back and take out unnecessary words in order to shorten the sentences. To say more with less makes a powerful essay.

I am originally from China, and when I was ten I moved to the United Arab Emirates (usually known as UAE) and lived in Dubai for four and half years.

In the Chinese system, whether the school is public or private, grades are often one of the most important things at school and everyday life, and all the students were pushing themselves to exceed standards.

For instance, when I was in grade six, they held eleven events in various fields: the National Singer, Beauty Dancing, Open day, Fashion Show and much more.

Wow, no, you don't sound like a 5th grader!!! The writing is very clear, and bilingual students should be expected to make a few mistakes here and there. Personally, I can only speak one language. Good luck in school!!!!

Kevin

Graduate / Capitalizing certain words in a graduate school essay [4]

No, none of those words are proper nouns, just technical terms and devices. If you are unsure of certain words, you can look them up in an online dictionary to see if thy are considered proper nouns.

:)

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Discrimination and predjudice - psychological and sociological views [5]

Take out the word "being" in this opening sentence:

Racism is defined as, "the belief that...

The authoritarian personality theory provides great understanding regarding why individuals are raised with prejudices. However, it has not yet been proven, which means that it is still just a hypothesis as to why individuals have this mental state.

In today's society, anyone may have a fair chance at opportunity, and this is exemplified by Barack Obama who was elected the first black president of the United States of America.

Very good essay, and only a few errors... I hope it scores well!

Kevin

Graduate / one sentence starter thought: Graphic Design MFA [2]

As a student at ______ I plan to share the story of my experiences, interests, and creativity, absorbing in turn the stories that others have to tell and using my own interpretations to foster a better community through design.

Your sentence was proper, but you can try revising the way I did above to make it sound nice. Perhaps you can add your major to it: As a Graphic Design student at _______ , I plan to...

I like your idea about exchanging stories. You can write:

The exchange of personal stories is a meaningful process; As a Graphic Design student at ________ , I plan to....

Undergraduate / Cornell essay - "my affection on mathematics" [5]

Affection for mathematics seems to have been my destiny. My parents tell me that I was fascinated with everything related to numbers when I was only a little girl, playing with my toy abacus or number cards. As I grew older, I realized that math was not only numbers. In my mind, math was the origin of the world.

Math was filled with glorious stories, and it was used to create splendid beauty when applied to other fields. Great architecture has been built with precise calculation;

Among those traits of math, the creative methods of solving math problems have played the most significant role in establishing my appreciation for it.

Nice job! I corrected a few errors in the way you worded things, bu your meaning is very clear. Good luck in school!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "Vacation in China" - NYU Supplemental Essays [9]

Here is a correction that I forgot to make in my other response: I never knew what a family trait was like until I actually had one; every time...

As for the content, the way to make it interesting is to say something at the start that makes the reader want some closure for it... some resolution. So, you can try to think of what the real meaning of the essay is, and ask a question about that subject in the first sentence. Then, write the essay, leading up to when you conclude by answering the question. That is only one of many ways you can build tension, and then resolve it, to make a powerful essay.

Essays / I need help writing my admission essay, how to start it? Rutgers University [10]

How would you benefit from and contribute to an environment that is full of diversity (i.e. varied backgrounds and experiences)? Maybe you can write about places you have been, and experiences with different cultures. In fact, the topic is so broad and inclusive that you could probably write about almost any subject that is meaningful to you and use the intro paragraph to explain how it has to do with your "backgrounds and experiences."

Undergraduate / Changing Religions for College Admission Essay; 'my grandmother said' [4]

... sobre la religion Aventista del septimo dia (Damn Fool! One may not baptist themselves twice! Why pay attention to a fool like your uncle? You don't know anything about the Seventh Day Adventist Religion). This is what my grandmother said to me when I told her that I wanted to change my church.

Or, you could say, This is what my grandmother said when I told her that I wanted to change my religious denomination.

I remember not responding at all, pretending to be asleep, but the truth was I didn't want to get into an argument since I didn't want to waste time going to church. Today wasn't my day of worship.

Undergraduate / "Let us improve life through science and art," - FSU Admissions essay, help [6]

Thanks ammonia32!!

You are great!!!!!

Writing Feedback / many people learned a foreign language in their own country... [5]

You seem to have become quite good at speaking English! Are you asking me what grade it would get? It depends on the grading criteria. Is this for an ESL program, or something else? I think it will get a good grade, probably, but it depends on what their standards are.

Undergraduate / "My life reflects intellectual strength" - FSU Application [4]

I look forward to seeing the UCF applications. Thanks for posting! Also, thanks for looking at other people's work and offering feedback!!! I saw that you responded to some other people...

:)

Undergraduate / "bump in your aademic or personal life" - UCF Applications [6]

However, I did not give up when watching an influential role model make bad decisions; it just made me want to succeed even more.

To be a student at UCF might not be easy challenge, but I know in my heart that it is the right school for me, and that I can succeed.

I have this conversation with someone at least once each day.

I chose to apply to UCF because I believe that the atmosphere is one of success, and because UCF stands for opportunity. To me, UCF means opportunity for achieving success. GO KNIGHTS!

Undergraduate / "My life reflects intellectual strength" - FSU Application [4]

Florida State's philosophy is guided by the three Latin words: "Vires," "Artes," and "Mores."

I feel that I best represent only two words out of the three: "Virus" and "Mores." These virtues have made me strive to be strong in academics and have a good character.

It was so touching that, when I gave the last gift of the night to a little girl, I began to cry. I wasn't crying because I felt bad; I was crying because watching all those children made me realize how fortunate I have been my entire life.

Not too much to correct! I hope you do well in school!!!

Writing Feedback / many people learned a foreign language in their own country... [5]

To know at least one foreign language nowadays is necessary. Some prefer studying language in their own country; others think that the best way of learning foreign language is to learn it in the country in which it is spoken.

Therefore, it is serious person that succesfully learns a language. Even though it will take longer to learn while remaining in one's own country, it is also true that every busy person is more comfortable to spend several hours a week after work or study rather than go to other country.

In summary, I would rather begin to learn the language in my country, and then I would prefer finishing my learning experience in the country where it is spoken -- after I can speak with some fluency.

Undergraduate / Experience for intellectual, social, or cultural differences, essay U of M [3]

One of the most significant cultural experiences I have encountered began at the age of sixteen at my current place of employment.

Despite the dissimilarities I had already encountered, I began to build relationships, including friendships, with my new found coworkers.

Through these experiences, I have gained an appreciation not only for the Filipino culture, but for all cultures -- an appreciation that I can contribute to any situation of cultural differences, including that of the University of Michigan.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Why people visit museums? History/ Broaden Perspectives/ Place of Attraction [3]

As a lover of travel and art, I always enjoy visits to excellent museum when taking a tour of a new place. This essay explains the reasons for the fulfillment that comes from visiting museums.

If you take out the words "primary" and "secondary," the essay will pack a harder punch...

A visit to a museum makes it easy to learn the history of the new place.

Visiting a well-known museum also can broaden our horizons. The diverse range of outstanding exhibits, with classic and magnificent art, is guaranteed to inspire us!

Essays / Can someone help revise and detail my outline on the Julio-Claudian Dynasty [3]

I. Definition of a dynasty/Thesis statement
Make a meaningful, interesting thesis statement that says something thoughtful about the dynasties...
II. Who the Julio-Claudian dynasty consisted of/What is was

III. Augustus-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
IV. Tiberius-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
V. Caligula-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
VI. Claudius-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
VII. Nero-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
VIII. Their Collective Effects on Rome
IX. Conclusion
A. Repeat the thoughtful thesis statement, and conclude...

Undergraduate / The clique short answer [7]

We meet once a week to practice our purpose, and, thanks to my near veteran status, I preside over the meetings as the leader. I belong to my temple's Thai dance team; after each Thai lesson at Wat Buddhavas Sunday school I would proceed to practicing Thai Classical dance as well . Years of practices and performances later, our dance team was recognized and invited to dance for the Queen of Thailand's birthday, an extravagant annual affair broadcast on TV. Fame or no fame, Thai dancing remains the most meaningful activity to me; the members and I have formed a sisterhood. From them I learned the importance of friendship, team-work and the real meaning of leadership .

Essays / Advice on improving expression, sentence structure and flow of an essay. [3]

Hi!

Do you have an essay for us to look at? If so, post it and I will have a look! Otherwise, go out and find Stephen King's book called On Writing, and it will do amazing things for your writing. For the conventions of style and grammar, look at Strunk and White's The Elements of Style.

I look forward to helping with your essays!!!

Undergraduate / "the school choir" - Elaborate on One of Your ExtraCurricular Activities [6]

He lifted up his hands with a dexterity only a few people could have had, and then, motioning to the groups on his left and right , he looked directly at those in front of him and then gave us all the signal to start singing.

We had met every morning from Monday to Friday and then practiced for about an hour before going to our classes for lessons.

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately. Nice job, though!!

Writing Feedback / Essay about Zambia - feedback on information, flow, and format appreciated! [5]

Open with the name of that organization:

Horses and Nearly Dead Zebras (HANDZ), a local non-profit in Oregon working with Zambians, has this as its mission statement: "Helping to provide equal educational opportunities and to encourage sustainable development to communities living in poverty in Zambia."

The educational system in Zambia has many inadequacies, although many outside sources are helping to improve opportunities for education for which so many Zambians yearn.

Zambia is one of the countries most severely affected by HIV/AIDS.

Much of the growing population of eleven million people continues to survive on less than on dollar a day in both urban and rural areas.

Though matters are improving, it will be a long time before the nation... it looks like you cut off the ending?

Great essay, few mistakes!!!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "Let us improve life through science and art," - FSU Admissions essay, help [6]

n the English language this translates to, "Let us improve life through science and art," a great idea that our world has been living through for years.

In grade school we learned of art as something that consisted of crayons and a long piece of construction paper, perhaps with a picture of your house and the sun -- but now we look at art as any creation.

Clients were moved by the fact that a twelve-year-old child was able to safely repair their computers and get them up and running.

From then on I knew this was the field I would love to excel in, the art of the computer and everything that there is to know about it.

How did this happen?

Our economy is based on an idealistic "I want" attitude where not a single person is willing to give in order to receive, and that is why we are in such a struggle.

I really liked the line that says, "Microsoft has a new competitor..." That was strong.
Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Final Admissions Essay (Emory University) [7]

We would drink coke until the sun set on the horizon, and we would continue to tell each other our personal adventures until our mother hushed us to bed.

Whether you are poor or rich, Emory provides true cultural diversity and allows for the freedom to study in any particular area of interest.

Who is to say that one day Emory and I will not be true soul brothers?

Good luck!!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / The importance of the attachment in infancy - Short question... [6]

"Let's put our minds together and see what life we can make for our children."

This essay will consider influences that family and environment may cause in children's growth, and I will discuss...

Over time I have been able to observe and learn the phases of children's development.

I remember when the mother of an infant said to me, "I'm jealous of you because you are the one who is really following my daughter's growth... her first smile, her first crawl, her first words, and her first steps. You are the witness of my daughter's development as a human being."

Great essay! I am jealous of your awesome job. I'm glad I was able to find a few improvements to make (above). Good luck!!!!!!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Essay about life - Pose a question and answer it. [4]

Also, I think the closing paragraph is really great.

Just be clear by writing "the present," or "the present moment," rather than simply "present."

One more way to improve it is to add one sentence to the opening paragraph and the closing paragraph: this sentence should tell how Nazrul and Tolstoy are relevant to the essay's theme.

Essays / I have an essay question (character and citizenship trait) [3]

Mavictoria, citizenship traits include patriotism, participation in the political process, community leadership, and so forth.

Annie, here is some help:

There are some interesting aspects of Emily Carr's life. One interesting point is that she liked to raise nature animals such as raccoons, squirrels, parrots and canaries and brought them home. Another is that she was the first female to ride a horse astride in Victoria, because women were more"ladylike" sidesaddle position in nineteen century. A third interesting point is that she tore up the garden fence to build her easels. Right now, the easel plus her paintings were collected by Group of Seven. These unique facts make her life an interesting study.

Research Papers / How to start researching a topic? [5]

Oh, this is tough if you have not read about the different kinds of electoral systems. In the U.S. we have a mixed system, with both majority representation (president) and proportional representation (congress). Now, systems differ fro one country to the next... you might want to compare the U.S. system to that of New Zealand or some other democracy...

Try googling "electoral reform"

Undergraduate / an enemy who was a positive influence on me.. application [6]

I found it ironic that the someone who had once made me feel a sense of misery actually became one of the important people in my life.

I do not consider her fake anymore, but someone who is honest and real.

I agree with hasnaahmed: you can give a sentence or two to tell more about how she affected you.

Good luck!!! :)

Writing Feedback / Essay about selecting the course. [6]

However, this claim overlooks the potential advantages of students' own selected course, such as increasing students' motivation and their skill development.

In addition, students invest their time more on perfecting their talents and skills .

You didn't finish this sentence: If they are given the right to choose the course,

If students are given more control over tailoring their curriculum according to their own ideas, so many positive effects will be aroused.

NOT TOO MUCH room for improvement!!! :)

Undergraduate / "Vacation in China" - NYU Supplemental Essays [9]

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately.

Verb tense: My venture started in GuangZhou, where I payed a visit to one of the most prominent universities in China, Sun Yat-sen University of Liberal Education .

There are many reasons that account for this daring choice and I would like to explain why.

This perfectly fits my ideal of diversity, (my goal of learning). I like to learn through many ways and in many fields, taking as much knowledge as I can bear, and put it into practice at the same time.

I never knew what a family trait was like until I actually have one; every time my friends tell me about how they look like their parents, I get frustrated because of my lack of family-resemblance.

Ever since I was born, the relatives were surprised that I didn't look like either of my parents; although they didn't really care about it, I was very disappointed.

For a long time, I tried to find the connection between me and them, but with no success.

Undergraduate / "a camper" - common app essay. really horrible 1st draft. [4]

Well, if you read about the school to which you are applying, and think of its special qualities in relation to your own special past, including this story about camp... it will be like a chemical reaction. Not only will you discover what to write but you will have a vision of the diversity you will contribute. Do you have any plans for activities that you will pursue through the college?

How about writing about your personal philosophy of life as it developed due to your past (which you just described), and how you will apply it at the college...

Undergraduate / "Hoang the Headless Chicken" - Common App Personal Essay [7]

Well, unlike some student essays, this really is interesting and a good read. I really like the content, and the only thing to do is make it more efficient -- saying the same things in fewer words... but the presentation is great already!

Writing Feedback / Feedback sought on an Economic Development Essay [3]

This is excellent! Who could find fault with this? You say exactly what you are going to do, here:

This essay aims to demonstrate the role of devolution plays in contributing to the evolution of regional disparities.

The prompt asks for an example...and I think you go above and beyond the requirements:

In order to be more justified, case studies from both developed and developing countries will be selected. It will illustrate two ways in which devolution may foster regional inequalities, with the first half concentrating on the link between fiscal decentralization and regional disparities, and second half highlighting the link between efficiency and regional disparities.

Your content is excellent, and all I could possibly help with is the details like this:
Moreover, in response to the arguments that devolution will enhance the, "combination of greater political participation, transparency and accountability," resulting in, "economically advantageous institutions such as trust" (Putman 1993, cited in Pose & Bwire, 2004). Prud'homme (1994) argues that devolution will lead to worse career opportunities and salaries, while Thiessen (2003) indicates that local government will be more easily swayed by locally powerful entities after devolution, in other word, there will be more possibility of the corruption.

I'm impressed with the essay, and if you don't get an A I'll be surprised!!