Undergraduate / Bhangra, Indian folk dance Common - App. Short answer question -edit/trim [6]

Hi, this is the TOS item that the other moderator was talking about:

12. Due to high volume of essay revision requests, the moderators can only provide ONE revision of your essay. However, you can post subsequent drafts for peer-editing.

We just do the best we can, depending on how many members post essays on any given day. Feel free to post your essay, and please click on "unanswered" to give some other people feedback. This site is getting so popular that we need everyone to help by giving other members feedback.

thanks!!!

:)

Writing Feedback / toefl: overemphasizing on personal lives of famous people by media [3]

As a student majoring in mass media, I think that it is true that modern media is overemphasizing the personal lives of famous people.

The audience may see a lot of photos and reports tell a questionable story. Moreover, it is unfair that the ridiculous coverage may be a vexation for the famous people who are scrutinized.

Furthermore, sensationalism distracts the viewers from public or social problems. The media face the challenge that media executives must choose the content, which can attract the audience.

Thus, these personal reports of famous people, with unimportant information and distorted stories, will not solve society's problems. In other words, yellow journalism blocks the viewers from significant news, such as education, environment and public issues.

Based on the above discussion, I agree with that paying too much attention to the personal lives of famous people may be a serious problem.

Research Papers / Catch-22 Major Research Paper; "Generals Die in Bed" [7]

Well, I can correct the use of commas when using quotations. Revise this way:

Occasionally, some define faith as, "believing something in spite of the facts."

And...

This influences many foundational questions of life such as, "who are we, where did we come from, why are we here, and where are we going" (Doy Moyer). Faith in Catch-22 is rather complex with all of the different characters. Yossarian's belief in God is quite strange and confusing. For example, when the Chaplain asks him, "I thought you didn't believe...

Undergraduate / "Hoang the Headless Chicken" - Common App Personal Essay [7]

We called Hoang the Headless Chicken. He was a tiny boy with piggy eyes, thick blackish lips, a potato-shaped head that was disproportionately big compared to the rest of his body. He had a pale countenance from which it was impossible to tell when he was happy or sad. And yes, he was socially inept.

For this paragraph below, maybe you do not need to keep starting with the word "but." However, it is up to you. If you want you ccan just take out the word but, and it will be more powerful--

But I know this must get done ultimately. That afternoon in front of Minh, I was a coward, and it's a shame that today I still lack the courage to say it, to stand for what I believe in. But now I look and realize that we're in our senior year, and there's not much time left. Six months from Graduation Day, I promise to myself that I shall no longer allow that to continue - to let a friend come and pass by as though he's never been a part of our community, so that 12A1 would live up to the inclusive and accepting reputation that we've been proud of.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / The most important activity of your life that teels something about you. [2]

I was praying to God for the best, as I did not want to be embarrassed on that big platform.

After just a few minutes, my turn came. All those stage lights were blinding my eyes, and the cameras in front of my face looked like monsters to me. As I began to sing, I suddenly forgot about the anxiety I had been experiencing. I faced my greatest fear that day in front of that big camera and all those people standing around me. Everyone clapped until I left the stage.

I still remember one of my audience members comments, which has influenced my life.

This comment and great compliment, has influenced me greatly, and has made me much more confident in my work.

My favorite activity besides school is singing.

A winner needs a strong will to succeed, and and confidence in his abilities. I have obtained these qualities, which have made me a winner.

Every time I sing, I feel the excitement of a child on the first day
of school.

I want to continue my singing, as I have always considered it a great teacher.

Music has shaped and matured me.

I thought your ending was great. Interesting subject, good luck!

:)
Kevin

Writing Feedback / Narrative Ethnographic Essay - Needs help [2]

In 1995, a Minister, along with his wife and five children, emigrated from Guatemala City, Guatemala.

Her youngest son, Luis, age 23, would be our translator.

...the same as I would in any other home.

During this time, as Mrs. Moran moved around the kitchen opening and closing doors and drawers. It was then I saw the traditional foods and products that I had expected.

For her first and only child born in the United States she received more clothes than she felt needed or even necessary for her five children all together.

The stroller she never used.In Guatemala she always carried her babies, never pushed them around in a cart.

...whereas in Guatemala, more concern is paid toward enjoying the pregnancy and caring for the mother.

Here in America with her youngest, Karen, she has found this to be very different. Prior to kindergarten Karen spoke only Spanish in the home, watched very little TV and asked for very little.

...and visiting a friend's house.

As parents, their hope was to provide the five older children an opportunity for a better education.

:)
Kevin

Undergraduate / Senior Prefect and House Vice-captain; SMU essay- need help in editing it. [3]

Looking back,over the last eighteen years of my life,...

Each time I pass through the gates of school or see a glimpse of the school crest,...

Eight strenuous hours, 11,960 feet above sea level... with trembling knees and an unquenchable thirst, I made my trek to Sandakphu, the highest point in West Bengal, with its breathtaking view.

It was during this trek, that I learned the true meaning of the word "endurance".

This is what I learned while interacting with the "differently abled" children of a rehabilitation center , ...

I have met some of my greatest achievements.

Seeing the innocent smiles and laughter gleaming through...

:)
Kevin

Writing Feedback / Have there been any bumps in the road in your life. [3]

Siobban may not always have known what to do, but she always attempted things, and that created our unique relationship.

Over six years, our bond grew so strong that people automatically thought of me when they saw her, and visa versa.

Ironically, if I had not lost her, I might not have become the appreciative and helpful person that I am.

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Bhangra, Indian folk dance Common - App. Short answer question -edit/trim [6]

Bhangra, a high-energy Indian folk dance, is a growing phenomenon in North America. Two summers ago, my Bhangra troop was invited to participate in a dance competition, and I was entrusted with the responsibility of choreographing our number. I took on the challenge of planning the dance steps and arranging them into an expressive and meaningful performance. To coordinate a group of eight individuals was not as easy as I had hoped it would be. Countless hours passed in arguments and no two people seemed to agree on anything...

After two months of hard work and heartaches, the dance became a joy, and we were awarded first place at the competition...

Choreographing Bhangra dances tested my limits of creativity, rhythm, leadership, and motivation. I learned how to cope with pressure, remain focused, promote synergy within a team of individuals.

Writing Feedback / Poltical Science, Multiple Questions Essay on Political Issues [2]

Oh, you have to think of the words as if you have only so many to use! Try to say something in a single sentence instead of several. Guide the reader with a cool rhythm.

Hey, I have just been trying to edit this so that it is more concise, more succinct, but actually your writing is quite efficient. Everybody needs to write more succinctly. it is good advice, but you already write very well.

Here is one improvement, though:

Take out, "In my opinion," and start with:
I do not believe an "enforcement only" approach will stem illegal immigration. The notion of an "enforcement only" policy neglects to consider the fact that there are already countless illegal immigrants -- somewhere around 10 millions to 12 millions, or more.

Undergraduate / University of Washington - Choose one of the following two topics and write a short essay. [2]

I know what you mean... sometimes you write something and you know it just is not inspired. However, some parts of this seem to be inspired.

When peers come together in collaboration, communication can be powerful. It is no surprise that when three hundred girls gather to participate in a government simulation, their political ideals would come together as they interact in enthusiastic ways.

Ideas were coaxed from even the shyest attendees, and discussion was praised.

My time at Evergreen Girls State thus strengthened my political views and provided insight to the constructiveness of cultural difference. This experience has empowered me to confidently express my ideas in collaboration with others.

Undergraduate / "Choose one activity." Univ. of Ill essay [3]

I started this volunteer service because my cousin was urging me to do so. At first, I was lazy and hated going to the volunteer service, but after few months, I started to like it; I was suddenly experiencing the sense of purpose that comes from helping the sick.

I took out this part: it was not because I got free milk shakes and dinner, .

You write without many errors. Good essay. Now, as you succeed in college, you suddenly become a leader at a hospital instead of just a teenage volunteer. Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / "Personal or academic interests." Univ. of Ill essay. [2]

Airplanes represents a kind of magic for little children, but as they grow up, children tend to shift their interests . When I was growing up, I have never lost my interest in airplanes. I was so fascinated about airplanes that I drew airplanes everyday, and I received an artistic award in first grade. I am still a big fan of flight simulator games and I have been playing that game as long as I could remember.

One day I was doing a career search and it gave me a list of majors according to my interests. Suddenly, two words came off the page: Aerospace Engineering. I clicked on it and read about it.

Sometimes it's good to go back and take out words that are unnecessary. Extra words weaken the writing. I made these corrections above, good luck as an aerospace engineer!!!!

Undergraduate / 'A new look on life / Competing with others' - Umich essay --setback [5]

Jen, that is GREAT advice. Thanks for helping.

Stephanie, here is something to do.

In the 11th grade, I bought a (what kind of suit?) suit of my own, but students have few chances to wear suits, except for some special occasions -- like the Model United Nations (MUN). I wasn't chosen to become a member of MUN in Tenth Grade, which really depressed me. "Is it because I always feel nervous in front of so many people? Is it because the speech for my try-out is not impressive?" I kept asking myself. Maybe I am not a born diplomat, but I don't give up easily, and persistence is my attitude towards life. With this belief, I tried again in Eleventh Grade and ended up in joining MUN successfully.

Also:

I felt that I was a different person after changing into suit, a person who represented a country (Spain) and spoke for the country.

Undergraduate / Playing the Piano - short answer [2]

Write so that the words sound like notes.. sometimes with a slow rhythm, sometimes staccato, and drum away at the readers mind.

Time spent at the piano is like a meditation now. My mind is calmed and stimulated whenever I return to that familiar place and posture, that focused state -- and a feeling of satisfaction...

Undergraduate / Rhode Island short essay- significant Person [4]

The hope of a better future for me strengthens her soul and lifts her up when she is weak and lonely. My mother did not throw away her accomplishments and wealth when she brought me to this country; she traded them for a much more valuable quality -- love. Love bonds are the world's best anti-depressants . Love is the motivation that keeps us charged. It is better than any thing in the world.

I begin to truly appreciate our single celled space we called home. That night, I lied closer to my mother.

I fixed the stuff above... also, I think you should be careful to be consistent with your verb tense... sometimes you switch from present tense to past tense and back again.

I don't know what part you should delete -- it is all SO good! I wish you didn't have to delete any.

Essays / Help with thesis statement on video game addictions [3]

The rapidly increasing popularity of video games suggests that it may be appropriate to think of gaming in terms of "addiction."

Undergraduate / "Saih maht geanguh"- historical influence. [7]

As far as I can tell, you answered the question perfectly.

About the topic, I'm sorry I didn't see it the first time!! My eyes passed right over it, oblivious. :)

I did look over the whole thing, but I can't spend too much time with each essay, because there are a lot of members to help! Some members are giving some feedback to other members by using the "unanswered" function to find people who need help, and then they ask for some help in return. Just link other members to your essay.

I found another sentence to improve:

This highly influences the way I think now. It reminds me that good is always present in some form or another, forms: the overcoming of culture barriers, the realization of right from wrong, or the converting of yew guays to Buddhism.

Research Papers / Research paper on drug testing for athletes [6]

Unfortunately, some of the most harmful drugs, like meth and cocaine, are out of the person's body within a day or two, so they do not show up on the drug tests.

However, the tests prevent the use of performance enhancing drugs, which keeps competition fair.

uch has been written about this, and the best thing to do is google the words:

college athlete "drug testing" controversy

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / 'it is the right thing to do' - Page 218 Autobiographical Essay [5]

Well, I would not call it a discrepancy... but the reason I mentioned it is that what it made me think of was that you are judging the convicts. I know what you mean, about having needed to write something , though.

:)

I only told you my thoughts so that you would know what impression it made. I'm glad the guard thinks nothing separates us from them... that means he treats them with respect. For your essay, maybe you can fix it with a single sentence-- if you even think it needs to be fixed. You can fix it by adding another thought -- that circumstances sometimes hit people the wrong way, and that the inmates still have lots of potential.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "Saih maht geanguh"- historical influence. [7]

"Saih maht geanguh," would be my childhood hero's infamous catch phrase. I idolized this figure because he was equal parts cunning, brave and immortal, holding the ability to transform into 72 objects, cloud travel and somersault great distances. Born from a rock nourished by the elements of earth he has become one of the most worshiped mischievous gods in Chinese culture. His name is Su WuKong and his catch phrase is translated from Chinese as "Why should I be scared?"

In life, there were many times when I looked up Su WuKong', and tried to emulate his bravery. Being raised in American culture is contrastive to the way my parents where raised in Asian culture. From a young age, my mother taught to be recessive, quite and always let others talk. Unfortunately I realized this method got me nowhere and led me to be an outcast. Ultimately what lead to the transformation of my personality was using Su WuKong's, "Why should I be scared," attitude from then on I became more social and not afraid to let me personality shine.

Most of the changes i made involve the placement of commas. It is great content, and you write very well. What did they ask you to write about in the essay? Did you stick to the instructions for what to write about? I like your approach.

Undergraduate / Essay on Contribution to hometown (Wesleyan education) [3]

I can learn to adapt changes in the global market while gaining knowledge in many other fields, such as law, sociology, psychology, and so forth. Some elite business leaders like Bill Gates, the legendary billionaire, and Sergey Brin, founder of the Google search engine company and Internet entrepreneur, possessed such great philosophy and creativity that they become greatly influential and exemplary to the youth.

There, I will be able to cultivate my knowledge of business and discover a vibrant campus life. I am looking forward to the opportunity to take the journey toward humanity's most valuable treasure: knowledge.

I hope that helps!!!

:)

Undergraduate / New York City is an essential element of academic and cultural life at NYU [3]

Add one more sentence telling about the club you would start. Then, add a sentence about a specific facility at the school that could be helpful. Also, those suggestions made by Angela are good! Thanks Angela, and good luck to you, hallelujah

:)

Undergraduate / Frontiers of Flight Museum + math, science - USC short answer questions [4]

Only one error to correct:

I am passionate about math, science, research and discovery, and I also enjoy comparative religion and religious studies.

I think you answered well!!

Writing Feedback / 'I am easy to communicate' - University Of XXX - essay [4]

This first sentence confuses me. Maybe it should be like this:

As one of the alumni of the University of XXX said, "Put much emphasis on students' self-development." As a young person of individuality, I dream to follow a degree program in this prestigious university.

I reorganized the paragraphs, below:

I am easy to communicate with and ready to bring about new ideas. For example, in the Fight Hunger, a charity walk organized by World Food Organization, I suggested adding a donation program in the walk and leading the program by cooperation with others. In the end, we submitted all the donated money to World Food Organization. As a member of Red Cross of China, I participated in numerous charity activities, such as cleaning the streets, visiting old people in nursing home, children in orphanage and people in underdeveloped areas.

I have many hobbies, among which I think French horn is quite unique . As the representative of Chinese symphony orchestra and chairman of brass band department, I once participated in the International High School Student Symphony. Our performance was highly acclaimed by the organizer. In my spare time, I organized several wind quartet performances with my schoolmates, and donated all the money to the school Red Cross.

University Of XXX enjoys worldwide fame and boasts large number of international students, so I will exert myself to enrich their extra-curricular activities.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: How Culture has Shaped my Dreams? [3]

You do address the prompt well! To improve it, go a step further by explaining that the high standards with which you were raised inspire you to seek a particular program at the U of Cal... or even the guidance of a particular faculty member.

Undergraduate / "Without opponents, I might fall asleep" - ut essay TOPIC A [5]

We live in a world of contradictions, and eventually we will meet some significant people who could have impacts on our lives.

I was not favored by one of my aunties; to be honest, she was quite pretty but a bit conceited. She prefers kids that are sociable and good-looking; obviously I was not lovable to her. Another reason she hates me is because her daughter attended the same school I went to, and I'm always a top student in my class, whereas her daughter had a hard time with even passing the classes.

Not too many mistakes...

Without enemies, I would probably never find out how capable I can be.

Nice job!!

Undergraduate / My brother had his own life to deal with; UT : Person's impact on life [3]

When children grow to a certain age, they usually tend to rail on their parents for not 'understanding' them, and I was no different.

Though he might have held some ill will toward my brother and I for taking his father away, the man fondly took care of us like an older brother.

It is best to avoid contractions and write the two words separately...

This is not too talkative.. they asked you to talk about a person. You did well!!

Undergraduate / A world where I would not have anything to worry about - UC prompt 1 [3]

I have always lived in a world where I had nothing to worry about. When I heard that our family has to move to America, everything suddenly changed. All the worries I never had before started to appear in my head, "How are kids in America?" and, "What do they teach in school?" At that time, I did not even think about the language barrier between me and the people in America at all--not until later.

The moment I set foot in America, it felt like a whole different world from where I was living in. Everything beside me seems to be so strange, from houses to people. I never thought that it was going to be this different . Everything seemed to have changed but for my family, who still care for me like usually no matter where we go.

At the beginning, it was not easy for me to acclimate to a new environment at school. I did not know anyone at school and especially I did not know a single bit of English. I am also a bit shy, so that made me even harder to lend in. It was my mother, she seen through everything about me, she knew that this would happen and give me courage to take the next step.

:) Your writing is very clear; you just need to keep practicing!

Undergraduate / Three essays, choose the one you like best to edit! "Person You Are" [5]

I wanted to add, actually, that for an admissions essay, it really is probably best not to say crap. I like it, but it doesn't matter what I like!!

Undergraduate / Buddism, Christianinty - UC prompt #2 [4]

Yes, you write without errors!

Here is something I can improve:

The decision to get baptized was a difficult one, but I agreed to receive it. I discovered that it was time for me to think for myself, and to accept what God is giving me. After receiving my baptism, I felt a great sense of joy. After having the opportunity to get baptized, I went on to Bible study and receiving my confirmation. Each time I attended Bible study was another chance for me to strengthen my faith and to make the most of this gift.

Undergraduate / Elaborate on Extra Curricular Activity: "Ace Mentor Program" [4]

Awesome, the admissions people could not ask for more. Good luck!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 [Transfer] "Untitled" Major: Linguistics [3]

It was not until I entered adulthood that I realized just how well my father had prepared me for the outside world.

I think Walt Whitman best summed it up best when he said, "Language is not an abstract construction of the learned, or of dictionary-makers, but is something arising out of the work, needs, ties, joys, affections, tastes, of long generations of humanity, and has its bases broad and low, close to the ground." How else could I satisfy my obsession with pragmatism, semantics, and human relationships, other than to delve deeper into the world of Linguistics?

You are a great writer. I suggest that you look into neuro-linguistics, and find out about Grinder and Bandler, the inventors of neuro-linguistic programming. You might be surprised at the great career that you can pursue with NLP. :)

Undergraduate / "A Conflict of Nations" - UC Prompt 2. Need help revise!! [3]

Thanks Neva, for the excellent revisions. You made my job easy!

WKLUI, I think you should use these recommendations from Neva, and also comine the last two paragraphs into one:

The following day, I presented the project to my teacher with awe. By explaining each slide and describing the events happened to my teacher, he was amazed. After my presentation, he saved our project onto his computer and used it for his future lectures. With this experience, I became more social and interested in becoming the leader. Being a leader has given me the potential of managing difficulties and organizing the materials. With our careful planning and time devoted to this project, it became an overall success for everyone.

Undergraduate / "Is that shadow mine?" UC #2... [3]

Brilliant essay, I found no real errors. I am happy to be able to help a little, here:

"You can't beat those girls, they're faster than you," my mother told me before a race.

For so long, I tried finding the reasons behind many of my defeats.

Nice job!!!

Undergraduate / 'taking up challenges' - NYIT essay on career goal. [3]

I need to do more than just imagine what my future can become.

I realized that I needed to work hard in school in order for this dream to become a reality.

I needed something else.

The passion to achieve my goals is driving force that will make my ambition come true:...

NYIT can be the motivator that will bring me to great heights.

I hope to experience all my achievements and obstacles with the guidance of NYIT.

...bring me to realize my aspirations for the future.

:)

Undergraduate / Common App Personal Essay~"I could not swim competitively ever again?" [2]

The unbearable experience of swimming that race has had a profound effect on me.

Not only did I bestow a "gift" upon my mother, ...

...rather, all one has to do is believe, and then the seemingly impossible can be accomplished.

Good subject and an enjoyable read. I don't think it's too long, but better too long than too short!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Angela did not like the school very much' - Homeschool supplement [2]

I understand that homeschooling is a very special way of learning and I know this is the method for her for numerous reasons.

She said that every day at school, while she can understand and finish the lessons much faster than her classmates , the teacher is not willing to utilize the rest of her time teaching her something new because they can only teach at a rate in which the whole class can understand.

The teachers also opposed her when she wanted to progress in her Arabic studies from grade one to grade seven.

In China, where the law requires her father to pay enough for her RMB for her daily needs is merely enough for her life in the UAE; and as a single mother, I was not able to earn enough money to send her to this (one of the most expensive) school.

With a limited amount of resources , ...

...she is the one responsible for corrections...

Questions that required an explanatory answer, I would not be able to correct...

Great essay, and she is lucky to have such a caring and involved mother!

:)

Writing Feedback / MONOPOLY VS. PERFECT COMPETITION (research paper feedback) [3]

Hello, it looks like this is done in a citation style that is a cross between APA and MLA. In APA, you use the author-date system, like here:

Having the ability to decide price is the "distinction which differentiates perfectly competitive markets from imperfectly competitive ones." (Kreps, 1990, p. 265).

Above, I added a comma after Kreps in the parenthetical reference.

In MLA, no date is necessary in the in-text citation. No comma is necessary either, so it looks like this:

As W. Nicholson defines it, a "monopoly is a single supplier to a market [and it] may choose to produce at any point on the market demand curve" (Nicholson 495).

and this:

This idea derives from Adam Smith when he defined a perfectly competitive market as "one in which there is no impediment to free contracting and free entry and exit of productive resources" (Smith 126).

In MLA, the reference list is called Works Cited, whereas in APA it is called References. You called yours Works Cited, so I am guessing that you are using MLA.

I will correct your Works Cited list for correct MLA--

Kreps, D.M.. A Course in Microeconomic Theory. New York: Harvester Wheatsheaf, 1990.

Nicholson, W. Microeconomic Theory: Basic Principles and Extensions. 9th. United States: South-Western College Publishers, 2006.

Smith, Adam. The Wealth of Nations. Bantam Classics. New York: Bantam Publishing, 2003.

ACTUALLY, I did not change anything, except they do not have to be numbered. I think you should google "mla style guide" and look at the rules. Your essay is excellent, though, and unless your teacher is a stickler for MLA, you should have nothing to worry about. Good Luck!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / 'Budget cuts' - the leading problem facing our eduactional system today? [2]

Budget cuts have been the leading problem facing our educational system today. When the state of California announced a four billion dollar budget cut, many Californians have raised questions about this measure. Budget cuts in education will mean less funding for students in classrooms, the classrooms will have a bigger student population and the school maintenance will have less spending.

Budget cuts in education in California will not benefit the students.

In the final analysis, budget cuts in education will bring disaster to the students.

If California wants to succeed, the public school system must be a priority and the only way this can be accomplished, is proper funding for public schools.

:)