Scholarship / Korea-Russia business. KGSP - Study plan for international trade master program [3]

Na, your goal of study is confused. You started it out as a personal statement, explained a long and unfocused purpose, before finally indicating a semblance of a study plan. This is absolutely the wrong essay for the goal of study plan. While the title of the form for this essay indicates "Statement of Purpose", the method by which you respond to the prompt requirements are different. Bear in mind that the "Statement of Purpose" is divided into 2 sections, The "Goal of Study" and "Post Study" plans. Each has a specific way of approaching the response. In this instance, a study plan must be presented in an accurate manner that reflects the purpose of your study in Korea. The required information for this are as follows:

1. Title of your research
2. Thesis statement or explanation of the title and its relevant research
3. Method by which you will be conducting the research
4. What you hope to achieve by completing this research (expected outcome).

You may take paragraphs 3 and 4 from this essay to revise and rework into a manner that best represents the first two requirements. Then develop two new paragraphs to explain your research methodology and what kind of outcome you expect to get, which can be applied to your future career or the improvement of this field in Russia.

Writing Feedback / CLEP English comp essay point of view: curriculum in education [3]

M, when you discuss these sorts of essays, do not rely on 3rd party information such as an obviously made up discussion with your father about core curriculum classes. It is always more impressive if you are able to relate the topic of discussion directly to your personal experiences. So, the section where you indicated that the core classes would have a use in your future career should have been reversed. It should have indicated that you have had use for the core curriculum classes that you had in the past in certain aspects of your life. For example, your core knowledge of English led to your taking the CLEP. Your classes in Math help you to balance your checkbook, and other similar information. It is because of these shortcomings in your essay that I think you will get somewhere between a 4 and 5 as a score.

Writing Feedback / CLEP English Comp essay point of view: "Is it easier now than ever before to form friendships?" [3]

M. out of a score of 6, I would be most inclined to give this essay a 4 due to some faulty examples in the essay. One of the major faults is the justification using Silas Marner as an example of a person who turns to money for friendship. The story is unrelated to the prompt since the idea is that social media makes it easier to form friendships these days. The basis of that story is not rooted in modern times and therefore, cannot relate in concept to the prompt expectations. Then, there is the story of the summer you spent with your cousin. The narration falls short of explaining that a lifelong friendship was formed that summer. A presentation of the methods by which you and your cousin keep in touch and can prove that a friendship exists today, even without social media's influence would have been the best example for this essay. Aside from these faults, your essay pretty much hit the marks set for your discussion. Not a bad job if I do say so.

Writing Feedback / How a solar powered water pump works [5]

I will not repeat the suggestion details anymore because I already explained it in the previous thread observation that I posted. It is in the earlier part of the first paragraph discussion. We are not allowed to repeat information in the threads so you have to read it again. Doing so will also help you to develop your analytical reading skills, which will come in handy when you do your next practice test. Yes you can discuss just the materials needed in one paragraph. That is because the diagram clearly explains how each material is used and as such, the use of the material can be included in the paragraph. This creates a strong basis for the pumping procedure in your essay discussion. I will not write any more examples for you. I have explained enough of the problems with your essay. Showing you how to write this essay properly, after it has been scored will be useless. Just do better in your next practice test by applying the advice you were given for this exercise.

Writing Feedback / Writing 2: Should the government encourage a certain percentage of jobs to be reserved for women? [3]

Arlen, in your opening statement, you strongly support the idea that positions should be reserved for women. However, you run a counter argument to that in the next paragraph. Rather than contradicting yourself, that paragraph should have instead, indicated that there is a difference between men and women, but that the difference does not lessen the capacity of a woman to succeed in a male field or work. The rest of your reasoning aligns itself properly with the prompt requirements and shows that you are capable of defending your stance, even if it is in a limited English writing capacity. While there are mistakes in your sentence development, it does not distract too much from your sentiment in the essay. So the essay has some pretty good points that can gain it a score of 5 overall. The low score stems from the situation that paragraph 2 created for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Unveiling crimes using sophisticated technology [6]

The opening statement is meant to always be an overview of the discussion provided, the instructions for discussion, and the outline of the discussion in the essay. You are not advised to include your opinion or any other information in the opening statement because that particular paragraph is not capable of allowing a complete discussion development due to the expected information presentation coming from that section of the essay. The evidence that you are to include in your essay should come from personal experience or popular information. Not from researched material as you did in this essay. I already explained why in my previous thread. I am trying to teach you how to properly write an essay that will help you to get a passing score. I hope you listen to my advice and apply it to your future work.

Writing Feedback / Online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013 [2]

Nur, while it is good that you have learned how to remove the mechanical representation of information in your summary essay by using comparison sentences, it is still important that you use the actual percentage data in the essay. This will prove to be supporting evidence to your paraphrased representation of the figures involved. It also allows you to double check your claims regarding information you are presenting in a different manner from the figures. However, your descriptions regarding the figures origins do not tally with the original figures. You made assumptions of facts that was not indicated in the essay such as online booking for ticket sales, online shopping and other similar claims when the pie chart notes do not indicate such a description. This partially removes the validity of the information you are providing and as such, would earn this essay a score of 4.

Graduate / To be able to handle a business takes time and experience. KGSP - SELF INTRODUCTION [4]

Kim, do not focus so much on the financial background of your family. It creates a deviation from the prompt requirement that asks you to deliver your point of view about life based upon your life experiences. The point of view that you are portraying is focused on yourself, rather than an outlook regarding life in general. do your best to devise a new point of view about life paragraph in your essay. In relation to your reasons for studying in Korea, right now, it sounds like you want to have a free ride in Korea on the government's dime. Lessen the personal, tourist reasons. Instead, connect your desire to study in Korea with an academic reason. Balance the social and academic representations for your desire to study Korea. That way, the reviewer will see a more serious side to your desire to study there. Another thing, explain how your professional experience has led to your motivation to study abroad. What do you desire to learn in Korea that you feel cannot be addressed by the universities in your country? What set Korea apart as an educational trendsetter in your opinion that led you to this decision?

I don't know what else to tell you. This essay will not work because you are bragging so much about your financial capacity in life. That includes your ability to travel the world numerous times. You have lost sight of what the KGSP is all about. That is, giving deserving but financially incapable international students a chance to improve their educational attainment in life by being sponsored by the Korean government in their quest for self improvement. That is not the image that you portray in this essay. Whatever your purpose for applying to the scholarship is dimmed by your talk of privileged upbringing and a seeming desire to go to Korea, not to study, but just to extend your tourist stay. There is no touching or driving motivation behind your quest to gain this scholarship. You have developed a totally wrong response to the prompt requirements.

Unfortunately, I cannot extend my help to you for this essay beyond this 2nd free advice. I could continue advising you regarding this essay based upon one of 2 things. Either list this essay as Urgent, in which case I can continue to help you improve this essay or, sign up for my service in the link above and I will write a proper essay for you. Hiring my writing service will create the perfect essay that you won't have to fret about anymore because it will be done professionally and developed to suit your application needs.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL independent writing task 1. A new restaurant may be built in your neighorhood. [3]

Lei, you can get a score around 3 on this essay due to a number of problems that have been presented in the essay. For starters, you need to pay more attention to your English spelling. While you are doing your practice tests in a word document, be aware of the red lines that appear under a word. The red line indicates a misspelled word that needs to be corrected. You have numerous wrongly spelled words in the essay such as "comming" (coming) and benifits (benefits). Since spelling is one of the major scoring considerations, you need to make sure that you do not have any mistakes in that area. You also need to develop better English sentence structures for the sake of grammar range and accuracy. You have simple sentences in the essay that are not properly developed, these obscure the meaning of your words and usually results in a misunderstanding or lack of understanding of your statement. While you do have problems with the essay development and presentation, your line of reasoning is good, acceptable, and portrays a clear understanding of the prompt requirements. Good job on that part. If the other 2 sections had only been better, this essay could have easily been a 4.

Essays / Cattle-colloquially cows-are the most common type of large domesticated ungulates [3]

Najeeb, if you want to pass that test then you should enroll in review classes that focus on helping exam takers pass the exam. Part of the lessons that you will be taught will be how to write an essay specific to the CSS format. I am not familiar with the exam requirements of the CSS when it comes to essay writing so I do not know how I can help you with that. The most I can advice you though, is to review the various English language essay practice tests here. Using the same prompts and discussion topics, you can write your own essays just so you can gain a general knowledge of essay writing rules. It can help you learn how to write proper essays but it may not be in accordance with the requirements of the CSS exams. So enrolling in review classes, while using the essay examples here to develop your writing abilities will definitely be useful to you. The general rule is that:

1. An essay has a topic for discussion.
2. An essay requires either a comparison, opinion, or agreement purpose in its development.
3. An English essay requires proof of English understanding abilities, word use, and proper sentence development.

You can start working on practicing your essays as per my suggestion above. I hope that these can help you get started with your essay writing lessons.

This is my final advice. If you need more assistance, use my professional services (or make the thread Urgent). Instructions for private contact are provided in the Services section above.

Graduate / My health and management interest : Statement of Purpose for an MSc in Management [4]

The point is that the age of influence that you are referring to in relation to the development of your interest in management is not believable to the reviewer. They from upon any student who claims to have been influenced into any career choice at an age earlier than that of a high school student. The reason being that at the age of 7, you are not set in your ambitions in life yet. Unlike when you are of high school age, which is when you begin to seriously consider your future profession. Therefore, if you want to make a believable reference to your age in the essay, target an age between 13 and 17. That is something that the reviewer finds more impressive and believable. Even referring to your mother influencing your interest at that age of 13 is more believable than that of a 7 year old. I am telling you this from my experience as a reviewer. I know what I am talking about. However, if you don't want to take that advice about the age reference, then no one is forcing you to. The final content of your essay really depends upon you and how satisfied you feel with it.

This is my final free advice. For additional editing or reviews, please contact me for private help using the link above or file an "Urgent" order request. Thank you.

Essays / Cattle-colloquially cows-are the most common type of large domesticated ungulates [3]

Najeeb. I am not sure what the purpose of this writing is. It does not seem to have a purpose other than to describe cattle. It is too short to be a descriptive essay, and too long to be a definition essay. What exactly is the purpose of this writing? Can you give me more specifics about what kind of review you are expecting or the type of paper that you are trying to write? I am really not sure about how to help you at this point. This seems like you just cut and paste information from somewhere into the text box. If you don't provide me with instructions, I will not know what kind of review to do with your statement. I hope that you can get back to me soon with the necessary information so that I can assist you with your English writing task.

Graduate / My health and management interest : Statement of Purpose for an MSc in Management [4]

Daniel, your essay is pretty much set as a good statement of purpose. A simple edit is required in order to better present your purpose though. You have to start with removing the information about you deciding to be a manager by taking management courses at the age of 7. No reviewer is going to believe that. Aside from the unbelievable age reference, the statement of purpose should be more focused on your college accomplishments, related academic training, and your professional career in relation to the MSc in Management. Establishing your background, foundation, and experience in this field that will qualify you as a perfect graduate school candidate happens only within references to those specific areas of your academics and profession. In the final paragraph, insert the name of the university that you are applying to somewhere. That way the SOP becomes university specific, which is a plus for your application, rather than general in application, which is a negative for your quest for admission. The university always wants to know why you chose to attend their university, so play it up to your advantage.

Graduate / Not all heated glass crack. Statement of Purpose for Material Science and Engineering [4]

Saubana, there are a few things that you can still do to improve this essay. The first, is to remove your opening statement. It is nothing but a lecture in Material Science and Engineering. The real information regarding your motivation comes in the current second paragraph. That is why you should open with the second paragraph instead. After that, delete the 4th paragraph as well. It is just a talk about non-related extra curricular activities so it doesn't serve an actual purpose in the essay .Remember, all of the information you provide must link back to your motivation or interest in Material Science and Engineering. The development of your interest and the activities that helped you hone your skills in this field or related fields are of the utmost importance. Your final paragraph should not only explain why you have chosen to study the MS in China, but also indicate a choice of university and why you feel that this university will be the best place to hone your academic skills.

This is my final free advice. For additional editing or reviews, please contact me for private help using the link above or file an "Urgent" order request. Thank you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2. Do you think it is important to protect animals? What measures can be taken? [6]

Lam, aside from the almost plagiarized presentation of the prompt discussion in your opening statement, you have written a well developed essay that shows an understanding of the prompt requirements and a definite opinion regarding the discussion you were asked to present. With that said, I have to caution you about the problem with your paraphrased opening statement.

The first paragraph of the essay is meant to test your TA abilities. As such, you are expected to deliver your own version or understanding of the discussion provided. The way that you wrote your version of the topic for discussion is still too similar to the original and also follows the same speech pattern. That makes it a very weak paraphrasing which, in the end, could affect the TA score in a big manner. Please do your best to totally change the prompt discussion presentation in your next practice test. That is the only way to assure yourself of a high TA score from the very start of the essay.

Your discussion is high appropriate and shows a strong English background. Aside from mistakenly starting a sentence with the word "And" when there was no previous idea or opinion to attach to it, the essay proves that you have the ability to create complex sentences in an intermediate sort of way. Make sure to review the written grammar rules as this is a proven weak point for you at this point. Don't start sentences with "And" or "Because".

The conclusion must also be strengthened in your next test. Make sure to develop at least 3 lines for the closing statement as the required minimum is 3 with a maximum of 5 sentences. Properly summarizing the discussion at the end will help to further increase the TA and GRA score of the overall essay. Don't just restate your opinion. Remind the reader of the important aspects of the discussion first.

Overall, the strength of the discussion that you developed could easily earn you a score of 5 for the TA and GRA with a 6 for the rest of the test requirements (LR, C&C).

Writing Feedback / Body image promoted and shared by social media is harmful to user [4]

Henry, your essay shows that you were given a topic to write about which is of huge importance or interest to you. This can be seen through the thorough research you made in relation to your discussion and defense of your personal opinions regarding body image concepts as promoted by the media. I cannot fault your discussion on the basis of reason, but your grammar development can use some work. There are some instances when the term you used may apply but not be appropriate for the use in the sentence. Not to worry though, it still made the statement understandable. Your English skills are good in terms of the written word. you have managed to get your points across to the reader even as you sometimes struggle with your presentation. Overall, this is a pretty good attempt at English writing. One word of advice though, if you are not writing a research paper and you are just aiming to practice your English writing, there is no need for you to cite sources and other research paper related elements. Just write in a straightforward and personal manner so that you can actively practice your first person writing skills.

Writing Feedback / Body image promoted and shared by social media is harmful to user [4]

Henry, I tend to get confused by the format of your essay. Is this a research paper or a response to an English exam prompt? There are instances when it delivers the feel of an exam essay, then there are times when it passes itself off as a research paper. As a research paper, you have a number of formatting problems. To begin with, you have to place a space between a period and the next word because that signifies a break in the writing process which aids in the understanding of your written work. Then I have a major concern regarding the in-text citations. It doesn't seem to be done in the correct manner. I understand that you are using online sources but there is still a particular format you have to use in presenting the citations within the text, paraphrasing of the information from the original source, and presentation of the title of the source material. Do you know which particular writing format you are supposed to use? Make sure that your citation style suits the required format. The conclusion is very well developed. However, it has the feel of an English exam statement again, instead of a research paper. Please set me straight on which type of paper this essay is supposed to be. By the way, an essay is different from a research paper. What you wrote is a research paper so change the reference from "this essay" to "this research paper". That is, if you writing a research paper and not responding to an English exam prompt response. If you are referring to an English exam prompt, then there are more mistakes than I thought in this paper. Simply because of the change in writing format and content necessity. I can tell you about those if you tell me that this is a prompt response and not a research paper.

Writing Feedback / Intercultural Communication connecting the societes. Final essay. [3]

Sya, remove paragraph 5 from the essay and call it a final form. This essay has improved in presentation and content since the first one that you wrote. At the moment though, it is running a bit too long. The removal of the paragraph I indicated will keep the discussion development and focus of content strictly on intercultural communication without any paragraph fillers. In paragraph four, replace the word "countries" with "country". Since you are referring to yourself and the country that you came from, you must use the singular form of the word instead of the plural form. In paragraph six, rephrase the second sentence to say " My first year in the United States..." In the last paragraph, you have to make the word "But" lower case and remove the period so that the sentence will connect two different ideas into one sentence, which is the purpose of using the word "but" in a sentence. These revisions will bring the essay into a final usable form for yourself. Congratulations on a job well done.

Undergraduate / "Wanting to transfer because of location" ESSAY statement [6]

My apologies for the confusion. The essay was all about Penn State so I took that to mean that you were planning to move to Penn instead of the state college. It would help clarify things if you refer to the college or university that you are transferring to within the essay. At least at the start. That would have helped avoid the confusion that it created for me and could possibly, create for other readers as well.

When reviewing an essay like this, the reviewer doesn't want to hear all about the reasons why your time at Penn State was good and memorable. He wants to know the reasons why you want to move out. So you want to spread your wings. That is a personal reason. What about the academic reason? What makes you think you will do better at the new learning institution than at Penn? Don't focus solely on your personal reasons for transferring offer a balance between personal, social, and academic. You already have 2 out of 3 represented.

Undergraduate / I come from an irrelevant field to the course.. - SG Institute of Technology Statement [3]

Russel, when you are asked to use professional experience, you have to do exactly that. You cannot change the prompt requirements just because it does not suit you. That altering of the information clearly shows the reviewer that you do not have the foundation for the course you want to enroll in and, you also are incapable of following implicit instructions. As such, this essay will end your consideration for admission. What is the actual profession you are in? Why do you say that you do not have any professional experience that can relate to the course that you have chosen? If that is the case, then you should explain that you are doing a change of career and as such, have limited exposure to coding. Are you absolutely sure that there is no way you can imply some coding experience or relevant experience from your current work? Even if it is only as a user and not as a programmer? It is important that you deliver on the required elements exactly. Otherwise, you risk the non-consideration of your application.

Aside from that, you also do not reflect any sort of academic achievement. That does not have to be related to the new course of study you want to take, it just has to do with your abilities as a student. Do not neglect to deliver on all the prompt requirements because if you miss out on one representation, you could miss out totally on consideration. Add some sort of exceptional academic achievement that you have to speak of. Your whole essay will be useless if you cannot deliver on all the points indicated for the consideration of your application.

Writing Feedback / CLEP English Comp essay prep - agree/ disagree "no goals so impossible as ones we set for ourselves" [4]

M, with the highest possible score for this essay being a 6, I would have to say that your work is around a 4. I based my score of your reading on the varied and sometimes confusing method of discussion that you took to approach the prompt requirement. You said that you disagree with the statement and yet, throughout the essay, you make conflicting references to your stance in the paper. Statements such as the following:

However, I think it is also true that the repeated setting of unrealistic goals that are repeatedly left unachieved often results in discouragement for the person making the goals.

reflect that instead of discussing one point of view, as the prompt requires, you have chosen to discuss both points of view instead. A thorough reading of your essay will prove that point. It is in your best interest, meaning you will get a higher score if you stick to the instructions of the prompt. In this case, had you not referred to the other stance for the discussion in your essay, you could very well have scored a 6 in the presentation. Your reasons, where applicable, were actually very strong and offered points that the reader could relate to in a real world level. So, it was just a slight mishap with the discussion format that pulled back your essay score from my point of view.

Undergraduate / "Wanting to transfer because of location" ESSAY statement [6]

David, your first paragraph doesn't do anything remarkable for the content of your essay. It does not help to establish any qualifying ideas that would make your desire to transfer to Penn State more compelling, imperative, or life changing. The second paragraph though, is a different matter. The way that you combine the idea behind your State College experience with the time you spent at Penn State creates the necessary involvement that backs the rest of your narrative. The paragraph about your experiences at Penn State is too short though. It could use a little more explanation in terms of the objectives that you created for yourself, which you hope to accomplish during your time at the college. Don't forget to give a simple explanation as to how and when you came to experience life at Penn State. That will help to clarify the 'why" question about your decision to transfer.

Scholarship / Accomplishing something authentic; KGSP: FUTURE PLAN AFTER STUDY [4]

Chohra, it would be in your best interest if you write your goal of study plan before you work on your future plan after studies. That is because the post study plan must support the line of learning and research that you did during your time as a student. Where you will work, the kind of work that you will do, how long you will do it, and why you want to do it all fall within the expected outcomes of your goal of study. Research some hydroponic systems currently being used in Korea and try to think of a way to improve it. Or, discuss how your exposure to Korean Hydroponic methods as a graduate will help you develop a more usable system in your home country.

FYI, the forum has just implemented a 2 free review system for all the postings I advice on here. So that means that my advice above is the last that I can give you in this open system. If you wish to continue receiving private guidance from me, please click on the Services link above. The yellow highlighted message above this box gives you instructions on how to contact me privately.

Scholarship / Commonwealth Scholarships in the United Kingdom - Benefits to home country essay [7]

Clarify how you plan to implement your ideas in cooperation with your government and the department of health. You make your ideas sound so easy in the paragraph. It needs a reality check and that check is "How can you effectively implement these goals in relation to your government's cancer program?" Provide that explanation and the paragraph aligns itself as a response to the requirement that indicates:

Please say how, on your return, you will apply your new skills and qualifications, and what outcomes you will hope to achieve. This could usefully be related to a national development priority or objective.

Those explanations must tie in directly with the government programs. Otherwise, it will be extremely difficult to implement on your own.

Writing Feedback / The way international associations help developing countries [4]

Nguyen, please provide the complete prompt requirement every time you post your essay for review. The prompt requirement helps us to identify the points for analysis within your essay. I am able to do this without the prompt because of my familiarity with the exam questions. However, the others who are not familiar with the question but want to help you will be unable to do so. The prompt requirement is for their benefit.

Now, as far as the this essay is concerned, the actual requirement is for you to do a comparison analysis of the advantages and disadvantages of giving international aid to poor countries. Based on that prompt requirement, this essay will immediately fall under the score range of 3 because you did not properly discuss the essay. There was no reference to a disadvantage within your essay and you made the whole presentation a personal opinion paper. Since your opinion is not required by the prompt, there was no need for your to take ownership of the discussion. Thus the failing score. Even your concluding sentence is not appropriate for the discussion. It is only a single sentence when the requirement is a minimum of 3 sentences. Writing 352 words in this essay is not going to help if you did not discuss the essay in the manner instructed by the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / I developed a strong network with key Ministry of Health and Sanitation authorities. Chevening. [9]

While there is not a single event in this essay that clearly portrays how you have created and used a network within the requirements of your job, this essay is acceptable enough. Acceptable in the sense that it at least provides an overview of the network that you have and how it was created. If you make it past considerations and get to the second round, be prepared to justify your network with actual examples that can be verified in relation to your application requirements. This does not provide a direct example as to how you hope to use your current network as a Chevening scholar and also, how you hope to aid the other future scholars using your existing network. However, you implied it within the essay.

This is the problem with any applicant who starts the application process even before the applications are open. Since the applications do not open till August 2017, you are not really capable of properly addressing the requirements of the essay at this time. That is because you have not asked the right questions of the scholarship committee members via email, chat, or other contact methods, which can only be done when the applications are open. Neither have you properly examined, assessed, and used the finalized networking essay examples all over this forum in the development of your networking essay. However, you can set aside this essay for your use once the applications open. There is no other way left to improve this essay. It is sufficient to a certain degree and that is the best that you can do.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the importance of spending money on the arts [3]

Martina, your opening statement, which is the prompt overview, was not properly represented in the essay. It is important that you learn how to represent the prompt requirements in the expected manner rather than the method that you think is correct. A proper prompt overview contains the following elements:

1. A restatement of the prompt discussion based upon your understanding of the topic
2. An outline representation of the discussion to follow, without immediately presenting any discussion data.

Your first 2 paragraphs would have worked well as a combined opening statement instead of this separate representation. The separate paragraphs make the fact that you did not properly paraphrase the prompt requirements obvious to the examiner. As such, the TA score will immediately and seriously affected.

Aside from the problematic opening statement, your essay actually represents the discussion in a more than acceptable manner. I think you could score something along the lines of 5 in an actual setting.

Writing Feedback / Unveiling crimes using sophisticated technology [6]

Nur the possible score for this essay is 4. That is because you failed to accurately reflect the prompt requirements in terms of topic for discussion, your opinion on the matter along with supporting popular evidence. Your opening statement did not represent a prompt summary, rather, it represented an immediate discussion of your opinion, without a proper introduction to the topic and outline for the discussion development.

While your popular reasoning is sound, I would like you to stop using researched information, with proper citation in these practice tests. Just use your personal experience or commonly known information. In the exam proper, you will not have access to the internet as the exam center will be locked down to the LAN. Therefore, you should try to improve your practice tests based on the actual exam setting. There is no opportunity for you to use research materials, so don't practice using those non-existent elements in the exam center.

Writing Feedback / The talk about your favorite language [5]

Quoc, the instruction is asking you to talk about your favorite language, not your favorite language class. There is a difference. English is a language that you enjoy speaking while English class is a method of learning the language. There lies the difference and mistake in your discussion. When you talk about your favorite language, you have to explain why you like this language. The explanation can include, an interest in English culture and society. a favorite singer or type of music such as rap, R&B, or something similar. These are reasons why English can be considered your favorite language. What you presented are reasons why English is your favorite class. Which is not what this discussion is all about.

Speaking of English class, did you notice that you did not follow the English grammar rules regarding sentence structuring? There are no capitalized letters at the beginning of your sentences, a direct violation of the English writing rules. Be conscious of these simple errors as these show a total disregard and respect for the grammar rules of the language.

Writing Feedback / The three different charts present the percentage of four different categories of foods utilized [7]

To, there is no secret to achieving a score of 7 in the IELTS. That is a score that can only be achieved if you increase your understanding and knowledge of the English language. If you are focusing on English learning outside of the regular practice tests, such as watching English programs, reading English material, and familiarizing yourself with the English vocabulary either through dictionary reading (for proper word meaning), or a thesaurus ( for word variation learning), then you will be able doing English activities that will help you further increase your score. However, this is not done overnight. You can't memorize a dictionary, nor can you memorize a thesaurus. This happens over a period of time. If you have not spoken or if you were not exposed to the English language from the day you were born, then you will need a lifetime to achieve native speaker level. However, the English learning advice I gave you above will be able to help you better prepare for the test. Will it garner you a score of 7? Maybe, if you truly apply yourself from now until you take the test.

Undergraduate / I have always wanted to do something for our country; Air Force Academy Nomination [4]

Jen, you can actually improve the opening statement by combining the content of your first and second paragraph. Open with the fact that you are coming into the academy stemming from your family background. That creates an impact because you father, your direct bloodline, served. Therefore, military service could be said to be in your blood and you are now, after careful consideration, answering that call. Further explain why you do not have a problem offering 5 years of your life to military service. Make sure that the reviewer will believe that you are a person who is beginning to offer your life to the service of the country and you want the proper training in order to do so. With regards to the personal challenge, describe the challenge and why you believe that this is something that you can overcome by attending the academy. Overall, this is a solid response that has the potential to be highly impressive, I hope I can help you accomplish that.

Graduate / Underdog wants to sit at the big kids table- University of Miami Graduate Admissions Essay [3]

Eva, the first part of your essay still sounds more like the information came from the brochure or website rather than an in-depth knowledge of how your academic interests will be served at UM. In order to properly address the essay, try to do a comparison of UM with your other candidate universities and then explain how, based on your research criteria, you decided that UM would make you a stand out professional within the line of work that you chose. Your second paragraph is totally irrelevant to the discussion because these do not contain any criteria for your university choice. Rather, this explains your academic, professional, and life background, which do not relate directly to the prompt requirements. Focus on UM alone and decide upon the qualities that you decided the university has which can set you apart from your peers as a student and graduate. It has nothing to do with your military background or the influence of your aunt. A simple one paragraph response will be sufficient if you provide the correct information to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / It is difficult to imagine a life without music. Traditional or popular, modern music? [3]

Nutwarara, the essay that you wrote will earn you a score of 4 because you did not properly discuss the prompt requirements. I am very familiar with the prompt for this IELTS Task 2 topic because of the number of essays that have already been written about it at this forum. The reason that you failed is simple.

For starters, you misrepresented the paraphrasing of the prompt requirements. There is no reference to either the correct topic for discussion nor the method for discussion given in the original instructions. You were being asked to respond to two questions, with examples provided along with your response. The questions are:

1. Do we need music?
2. Is traditional music more important than international music?

Your response tries to respond to the questions but in an underdeveloped manner that shows a lack of understanding of the prompt requirements. a deeper discussion of the traditional music necessity in comparison to international music was warranted in the essay. Due to the extremely short response you wrote, you fell short of properly explaining your stance on the issue. Which resulted in a perception that you did not understand what the instructions of the essay were. Specially in the part that asked if we need music in our lives. Your reasoning was very short and irrelevant to the rest of the discussion. The response to that should have been supportive of the traditional music discussion. In this case, writing more, in reference to your response and evidence presented, should have helped to increase your score.

Scholarship / KGSP - SELF INTRODUCTION - Translation and Interpretation major [4]

Berfin, let's start with the first paragraph. Review the information this paragraph. There is too much personal information that doesn't really fit with the prompt requirements. Try to limit the exposure of the falling out you had with your father. Gloss over it and just say that it took some time for your parents to warm up to the idea but when they did, they became supportive of your plans. By the way, I don't really get a clear sense of your point of view about life based upon the relationship that you had with your parents or your life experience as a college student. Try to portray something along those lines if you can.

Now, about the education part. It is too long a narrative that, due to the excessive details, will tend to bore the reviewer. Try to keep it short but concise. The same goes for your professional / internship experience. Make that a solo paragraph as well. Don't mix it in with the education part. Edit the content yet again to make it more interesting instead of dragging on and on. Remove the reference to your living in Korea from that part. Move it is a separate, dedicated paragraph that best responds to your motivation and reason to study in Korea.

After you apply these edits, the essay should come closer to a more final form. The content should be sufficient for an informative single page.

Scholarship / Born in Lagos, the commercial hub of Nigeria, into a family of three; KGSP SELF-INTRODUCTION LETTER [3]

Right off the bat I can tell yo to remove the reference to teaching in the first paragraph. Not only because it is unrelated to the topic of family that was being discussed, but because it does not (yet) relate to the interest in Economics that you showed in the later part of the paper. Remove it as an irrelevant activity at this point.

Later in the essay, please separate the the professional background, that includes teaching Economics and other related professional experience, from your academic training. Also, build up the professional experience more and reduce the focus on the development of your interest and academic progression regarding your Economics degree. Focus more on your professional experience as these will be factors that dictate the motivation for your interest in the field.

As for the final paragraph, you need to be consistent in your presentation. The first few sentences indicate an interest in architecture, which is not the focus of your application and should not be presented here. The removal of that part further represents the strong reasons and motivation behind your desire to study in Korea.

Scholarship / Accomplishing something authentic; KGSP: FUTURE PLAN AFTER STUDY [4]

Chohra, you said that completing the KGSP masters class will help to open you up to a panel of choices for your post study plan. In truth, you don't offer the reader a panel of choices in relation to your potential to pursue a career after your graduation. In fact, it aligns itself better with a proper post study plan for your stay in Korea and then, upon return to your home country. When you say that you have a panel of choices, you need to present at least 3 options for your post study in Korea and post study at home plan. Maybe you want to add some more information about your possible career options upon graduating. Think of how you can enter the horticulture market in Korea so you can gain practical abilities in relation to your theoretical studies. The same applies for when you return to your home country. Maybe mention that you want to open your own flower farm or something where you can share your Korean horticultural knowledge with the people in your home country and in the process, promote the KGSP program to those who might be interested in it. Right now you have a blanket plan that needs to become more solid. Hopefully, I have given you some ideas as to how to do that.

Scholarship / Creativity in Using Communication Platforms -- Application for AAS [5]

In the first paragraph, there is no need to indicate that you were previously a member only of the organization. Since you were elected the leader of the group, it stands to reason that you were formerly a member who got promoted to a leadership role. Removing that reference will lower the word count for your essay. Directly discuss the problems you came across within the group upon your assumption of office. In the second paragraph, remove the reference to your assumption and just indicate the problems from the participant's point of view. In the last paragraph. Just conclude by indicating that participation increased, using the new method and that your social media presence also increased in a viral manner. There is no need to be so specific in the conclusion due to your character limitations in the essay. Combined, the results of your character count should not be more than 2000 characters anymore.

Scholarship / As a cutting edge field in the 21st century biotechnology is in the spotlight today. KGSP STUDY PLAN [7]

Do not use that researched citation in your presentation. The only allowable citation in a research presentation is one that is connected with the actual procedure you will be researching and/or you plan to improve upon. In this instance, you are merely using it as a definition and nothing more. So it does not serve any real purpose in your study plan. Just remove it and continue the study plan presentation with the paragraph after that. It creates a more personal interest in the research. Focus more on agrofiltration is that is where your thesis statement will be created. That means, you need to have an idea as to how you can further improve the agrofiltration procedures currently existing or, perhaps, create a new type of filtration system that will prove to be more useful and beneficial than the existing method. That should comprise your goal of study and spin off into your methodology and expected outcome.

You have chosen a very broad topic for your study plan, so you will need to be prepared to rework your study plan numerous times until it becomes ready for the reviewer. At this point, you have only passed step one. That is, there are some usable portions in the essay. My instructions above will bring you closer to or up to step two. We still have a long way to go.

Scholarship / NZAS scholarship : Why did you decide to apply to study in New Zealand or other Pacific location? [5]

Rochamukti, when you respond to this particular prompt, you have to make sure that you actually have a direct motivation for your decision. Since this question is country and region specific instead of university specific, then you need to be familiar with the country or region's government or academic programs related to your chosen major or masters degree. Right now, you are representing what you hope to achieve rather than what the country offers you in terms of educational benefits, specially as a member or student of one their universities. A better response to the question would have to be related to the university that you have chosen to attend. Hypothetical responses such as what you provided here does not help to justify and strengthen your decision to study in New Zealand. In this instance, you have to be more convincing in your response. Deliver a sense of certainty in your writing. Remove the apprehensive tone that currently exists in your response.

Scholarship / Future plan - KGSP program - I want to dedicate my efforts and abilities to Korea [2]

Sunhi, don't keep the reviewer guessing about the timetable for your plans. Be specific. For example, in order to gain ample work experience in Korea that can be beneficial to your home country, say that you will spend 3 years living and working in Korea for (company) Discuss what you hope to learn from the company during the period which you hope to take back to your home country with you. About the lecturer thing, I believe that will require additional training in a different field before you can do that. So it would be best to leave that out of this essay. It does not directly relate to the information sharing you could undertake in your home country simply through the training or your cooperation with the relevant department members in order to enact information sharing and practical knowledge transfer. Give a timetable for the start of your business as well. More importantly, please review your essay for the problematic punctuation and grammar issues that you inadvertently left in the essay draft. Make sure those problems are resolved in the revised version.