Scholarship / How will the suggested study benefit my future? - AAS Essay [5]

The second paragraph is irrelevant. There is no need to inform the reviewer about your employment arrangement. That is internal between you and your company. You should instead, develop the first paragraph further to help create a transition sentence, or paragraph if you wish, which will properly introduce the benefits of your studies in terms of your career and your performance of your tasks. The second paragraph needs no reworking. It is very clear and related to the prompt requirement for a response. Just focus on improving the first paragraph as that is crucial to the essay. There is actually another option if you wish to consider it. The option is, do not use the first paragraph either. Just use the second paragraph in its entirety and deliver a response statement instead of a response essay. The statement delivers a stronger message than an essay actually, so your response would result in a more professional and memorable response to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Oil resources and Consumption annually in the same areas [4]

It would be better if you do not include any actual information in the overview summary. The summary is only supposed to provide the paraphrased prompt and the line of discussion you will be presenting so an example of how to write this prompt would be as follows:

For this essay, I will be discussing a summary of the world oil resources in proportion to the countries that create them. Located in various parts of the world, this essay will present the percentage of oil each country produces along with the yearly consumption of the oil in the same areas of the world. Whenever possible, an in-depth discussion of overlapping information from the chart will be expanded upon.

Generally speaking, the Middle East...

I provided you with a clear overview summary using only 3 sentences, which gives information to the reader regarding the content of the chart and how the discussion is going to be presented, without actually divulging information from the chart too soon in the essay development. That is what you should have in mind when you create a summary opening statement.

Scholarship / KGSP Study Plan - Reducing pollution to make a better future to live in [6]

Yes, you are right. The requirement for the statement of purpose section is that you present a goal of study and a post study plan within 2 pages. Since the requirement is set at 2 pages exactly, you can actually use a page and a half for one and just half a page for the other. Or, you could do both essays on a single page each. How you use the 2 page requirement is actually up to you. Like I said before, most students opt to use one page each. That seems to be the norm but is not set in stone. So the format that you wish to use for your essay responses are also acceptable. You are not going to deviate from the 2 page requirement so you won't be violating any rules. The writing method for that part of the essay is pretty much lose. Work on the next essay now. You have the right idea as to how to approach the writing of that essay.

Writing Feedback / Many children have difficulty paying attention and concentrating in their classes at school [6]

Okaeef, the score for this essay is 3 and it is not just because of the failing score that your lexical resource and grammar accuracy brings to your overall score consideration. The main problem with your essay is that you did not understand the prompt requirements. Which is why you ended up discussing a related topic. It is a related topic that does not address the prompt requirements properly. The prompt expected you to do only 2 things. The first, is discuss one or two reasons as to why children cannot concentrate on their lessons in school. The second, is how the problem can be dealt with. Your discussion though, focused on discussing "both sides" of an issue that was never present in the prompt requirement. You did not understand the demands of the essay and therefore, delivered a totally wrong discussion of the topic that was provided. It is because of your weak comprehension skills, which relate to task accuracy that your overall score was pulled down, resulting in your failing score.

Writing Feedback / The line graph depicts the different modes of transportation used by the country United Kingdom [6]

Sajeemaka, since you wrote 228 words, you were able to increase your LR and GRA scores for this essay. This helped to improve the overall score even though the TA was missing some elements from the chart in your presentation. That missing element is the year when the rail and water transportation of commodities overlapped. That happened in 1979, so the year should have been indicated in the presentation of the information. Never omit to use the dates provided when given because these are small, but important parts of the presentation. It greatly increases the chances for an improved score. Overall though, I believe you did just enough to score a maximum of 6 with this essay. That score can further be improved once your presentation goes beyond the obvious and shows more analytical skills in your consideration of the presented graph information.

Scholarship / "Future Plan after Study" , Design product - is an assistant. [5]

While timelines are usually required in the post study career plans essay, the complexity of the profession you will be entering into after graduation will definitely create a problem. So not indicating a timeline for your return to your mother country seems to make sense in this essay. The process of giving back to Korea that you stated is unique. These patents, will allow you to start your career in Korea, and yet take the patents with you to benefit your home country when the time comes. Good work on explaining how you plan to use the patents to benefit both countries. So, I guess you are wondering what the verdict is on this essay. You have actually done enough for this essay to be given a thumbs up for use. Go ahead and print it out. It is a very good supporting document at the moment. Good luck!

Scholarship / A passionate young man that always want to help people. Self-introduction KGSP - biotechnology [14]

This is a very good revision to your essay. It has less of a mechanical feel to the writing and more of a considered realization when it comes to the decision you made to study in this university. It has justified your choice of university clearly on your previous collegiate academic background. Which implies that you are not only ready to face the challenges of a masters degree course at this university, but that you have the proper early academic foundation to succeed during this time. I do not doubt that the reviewer will take note of your essay and consider your application seriously. I am of the opinion that this essay is ready to be put to bed. This is the final form of your essay. Do not change anything, do not consider adding anything anymore. Just use this version. It will be best for you at this point.

Scholarship / A passionate young man that always want to help people. Self-introduction KGSP - biotechnology [14]

Yes. It would be best for you to at least indicate some of the classes since you are applying via the university track. I know you have at least 3 choices in the application form, but the self introduction should focus only on your first choice university. Mention only the courses that you are most interested in. Also, make sure that you will be able to excel in these courses because of your own college background. The reason that you chose to attend this school should rely mostly in the fact that you hope to perform excellently in their academic setting. So imply that the university courses offered are the ones that you feel will help you shape you the most in your career. Then indicate that the other universities do not offer the same classes and some other reasons that you may have for choosing the university.

Scholarship / A passionate young man that always want to help people. Self-introduction KGSP - biotechnology [14]

I see. The confusion you have is because you have not really done any in-depth research into the university background in relation to your masters degree. Think of choosing the university as if you were purchasing an appliance. What do you when you want to purchase say, a cellphone. Sure, they are all android devices. They have all the same features, the same memory content, the same standard camera, etc. but there is still something that sets these devices apart from one another. Aside from the brand, what other aspects of the technology do you consider when purchasing a mobile phone? Those are similar considerations that you have to consider when choosing a school. Where is it located? What specific subjects to they offer that interest you because of its relevance to your course? Is this a subject exclusive to this school? What kind of internship opportunities does the school offer that the others don't? What other programs do they have that cannot be compared to those of other Korea schools or your home universities? Think along those lines in order to develop an original response to the questions I have posed before you. Then you will have the correct "Why this university" response developed for your essay.

Undergraduate / It started with an asthma attack. Personal statement for medicine course. [5]

Min, the anecdote that you are sharing in the beginning requires more focus. While your asthma attack is notable, it is not the kind of life altering medical situation that could cause you to decide on a medical career. What happened to you 13 years ago? Was it something more serious that you can use to take the place of the weak anecdote? If the two are actually connected, then you need to come up with a better reason for desiring a career in medicine. An Asthma attack just isn't as impressive as say, recovering from an injury or overcoming a serious illness with the help of the medical practitioners. Remember, the opening statement is the underlying foundation of the personal statement. The image or motivation for your studies must be presented in a clear and convincing manner in that paragraph. Failure to do so will be hard to recover from in the succeeding essays. The rest of the background information definitely shows the progression of your interest in relation to your personal desire to become a physician. I was just expecting to read something about the kind of physician that you hope to become in the future. After all, you are talking about becoming a doctor. So you must have a medical field in mind to specialize in. Try to include something about that in the personal statement.

Scholarship / I intend to apply for the Chevening 2018-19 scholarship - Career Plan question [8]

Alright, this is the best version of the career plan essay that you have developed as of now. Therefore, this should be the version that you use with your other application essays. It covers enough of the career path for the reviewer to see that you have a serious career path in mind and that you will be conscious of your obligation to help propagate the Chevening Scholarship mission and objectives. So the reviewer will definitely accept the explanation that you have in this essay. Remove paragraph 5 and 6. Those are too short and do not really help to better illustrate an immediate career path for you. Acquiring a PhD may not align itself with the plans that you have presented. Normally, the PhD is not a required response in this sort of essay. Try to further expand your explanation regarding your 2 year and 5 year career plans. They are too short to actually be informative. Think about this time and give a more detailed explanation of the kind of professional career growth you hope to have.

Scholarship / A passionate young man that always want to help people. Self-introduction KGSP - biotechnology [14]

Why are you confused at this point? By the way, please be careful with the way you spell your words. I think you are not paying attention to the auto correct on your android device. The way you revised this essay is definitely bad. You did not follow any of the grammar rules when it comes to capitalization and punctuation in some instances. Specially at the beginning. BTW, I apologize the sudden required change in the opening statement. It became necessary to adjust that due to the new problems that cropped up in your essay. You don't need to tell the reviewer that you did not have money to attend higher education in the past. That is irrelevant already because you obviously managed to go through the rudimentary educational system. After all, you are now pursuing a masters degree. Therefore that information is not necessary anymore and should be removed in order to shorten the essay and also, create a more focused presentation of your information. You can keep the first paragraph in the original form of you wish. It isn't a big deal to me. My only concern is clarifying the important parts of the essay such as what I explained to you above. I am of the opinion that with the revision I am suggesting above, the essay can finally be considered to be in a usable form. Unless of course your confusion is a serious matter that needs to be addressed in the essay. Let me know what is confusing you so I can try to help you clarify or understand whatever it is in a better manner.

Writing Feedback / A discussion paper regarding the mental health services in the city [2]

Luk, for the question section, do not provide the instructions that your professor provided for the writing of the paper. Based upon the instructions provided, you must develop an original thesis statement to represent the policy paper studies and suggestions that you will be making in the paper.

The other parts of the paper are presented in a proper manner. The discussion is academic and professional. Although, the discussion paper could use a few direct references, quotes, or information stemming from named "sources" of information. When supporting evidence is presented based upon published sources or personal interviews, the suggestions and recommendations that you are making develops a more authoritative stance. That will translate into a more powerful and compelling discussion paper presentation.

Scholarship / International Development and Cooperation KGSP Letter of Self Introduction [10]

This is a very good clarification. It would be best though to divide it into a number of paragraphs. That way the focus of the reviewer can be properly targeted on the information provided. By focusing on the context of the paragraphs, the reviewer will get a better idea regarding the development of your academic profile which, by the way, is quite impressive. That is why I really want to call the proper attention to these portions of your essay. You can start a new paragraph at the point that starts with " To add value ..." That way the paragraphs are divided into relevant sections that are applicable to your essay response. The division of the paragraphs will help to create the final form of the essay. Once completed, you will have the final form of your response and can stop worrying about it.

Writing Feedback / Discussion about if dinosaurs are endotherms [5]

Shunan, where is the link for the audio file of this lecture? I presume it is an audio file? Regardless, you should have included the link to the topic being discussed so that I can listen to it and compare the information that you have presented. I cannot accurately determine the validity of your discussion without that reference. You should have also submitted a copy of the prompt requirement, if any, that was provided to you for our reference as well. At this point, the discussion that you present is good and makes sense. However, I am unable to determine if this is the accurate way to discuss this topic. I am now questioning why you are contradicting the information that was provided instead of merely summarizing it, as it the norm with these types of TOEFL tests. I need to have additional information from you regarding this discussion before I can accurately give more relevant comments regarding the work that you did.

Writing Feedback / Oil resources and Consumption annually in the same areas [4]

Nur, do not indicate any relevant information in the first paragraph. As much as possible, you should only offer an overview of the discussion and an outline of the discussion you wish to provide. The reason that you have to do this is simple, you don't want to run out of information for comparison purposes within the body of your essay. Based upon your presentation, you almost ended up doing exactly that. By the way, you forgot to indicate the amount of oil produced by the Middle East. You cannot just say that the country is the biggest producer. Each time you present information in the essay, it needs to be backed up by the numerical figure in the chart. Otherwise a question arises regarding the validity of your claims. Overall though, this was an essay that addressed the task accurately enough to earn itself a possible 4. The overall score being based on the information presentation problems.

Scholarship / "Future Plan after Study" , Design product - is an assistant. [5]

Anastasiia, you have to double check your grammar and punctuation issues in this essay. The use of certain terms are incorrect and create a confusing reference in the essay. For example, what exactly do you mean by "... , I will share earned knowledges and experience among team grope..." What is a grope? Grope is an action that means "feel about or search blindly or uncertainly with the hands." I think you meant to say "group" which would create a redundancy because a team is already considered a group. In the first paragraph, you have a period then the word "Moreover" but then nothing else after that. Either remove the word or complete the sentence. With regards to your patent, you have to make sure that you mention you will be filing a double patent for that product because you plan to patent it in Korea then manufacture it in your home country upon your return. If you patent something in Korea, you may end up with a legal problem in your hands if you manufacture it in your home country. Make sure you own the patent and indicate the same in the essay.

Scholarship / My Goal is to become an International Development specialist. KGSP Statement of Purpose [6]

Don't remove the questions. Instead, you should work on presenting it as a part of the thesis statement / paragraph. All of the research related questions must be included in the essay as these form the foundation of your research work. You just cannot present it as individual questions in a goal of study essay. As the type of writing dictates, all information must be presented in an essay format. Therefore, the questions can be used to present an enhanced thesis statement. Properly developing the thesis statement, such as with the inclusion of the questions, will result in a paragraph formed chronological outline for your research paper as well. Kindly form the thesis statement based upon these instructions so I can review it and improve upon it if necessary.

Scholarship / International Development and Cooperation KGSP Letter of Self Introduction [10]

I suggest that you explain that difference in this self introduction letter. When you say that you have a post graduate diploma, in most of the world, that is equivalent to a masters degree. You also made reference to the same in your essay. In order to avoid any confusion on the part of the reviewer, who may be more familiar with the more commonplace definition of a post graduate degree, explain that what you have should not be mistaken for a masters degree as this diploma is something unique to your country's educational system. I am asking you to do this to be on the safe side. If I mistook the meaning of your statement, so will the reviewer. I am here to make sure that you avoid such problems before you present the final paper.

Don't worry about the closing paragraph anymore. You were able to fix it with this revised version. The main concern that we have right now is the confusing definition of the post graduate degree in your essay. Once we address this problem, the essay should finally be in its best form for submission.

Scholarship / A passionate young man that always want to help people. Self-introduction KGSP - biotechnology [14]

Hussaini, your course of life background is too confusing to follow. The confusion comes from the very short family background combined with an unnecessarily long academic background. This is what you have to do to fix that part, lengthen the discussion about your family background. Then present your academic background in a new paragraph, this time, focusing only on the college education that you received. If necessary, deliver only an overview of your high school education in relation to the development of your interest in science. Do not discuss grammar school. That is unnecessary information at this point. By properly presenting the necessary information, you will shorten the essay and also, focus on the required discussion elements.

Your university discussion sounds like you only got the information from the internet. There is no clear relationship between your intended masters course and why you chose to study at this school. All you have is general information that can be taken from the web. You need to show a familiarity with the university and the course you wish to study. What makes this university better than the others either in your country or in Korea, that offers the same degree? What about the university tells you that your interests will best be served there? Is it because of their academic program? Their internships? Certain research in the field being done at the university? What makes it an extra special opportunity for you to study there?

The essay has improved somewhat. However, new problems seem to be developing. You basically fix one part then create new problems elsewhere. I suggest that you try to revise the essay without changing anything in the other paragraphs. That will help to speed up the finalization of your content.

Scholarship / KGSP2017 - Letter of self-introduction - My look towards the future [3]

Johana, your first paragraph does not make any sense. Your family background should be just that, a family background that speaks of the family relationship in terms of your development as a person. Do not include any religious information in this instance unless you are applying via the uni track to a religion based university. It does not seem like you are applying as such so just remove that reference. Revise your opening statement.

Clarify your academic background. It seems like you do not have any formal academic training stemming from any age? Is that so? What is the reference always to supplemental learning? Did you or did you not go to college? You cannot just jump to your professional presentation in the essay without first laying the groundwork for it. That foundation is created through the presentation of your college education, at the very least.

Overall, this is one of the weakest letter of self introductions that I have read so far in this forum. It lacks informative content, does not accurately represent the necessary data to convince the reviewer that you would somehow qualify as a masters degree student, and lacks any true reason and motivation for an interest in a Korean education. There is no clear indication of the masters degree you wish to enroll in, what your motivations are, and how these relate to an interest to study in Korea.

I strongly suggest that you review the prompt requirements and write a new essay. One that better represents you in the manner that the reviewer requires you to present yourself for consideration. This essay is not going to accomplish that task.

Scholarship / I got caught in the everyday routine. KGSP: Statement of purpose <goal of study> [5]

Daryn, I think you misunderstood what a goal of study is. It is not about your ambitions and dreams in life. It is not about young aspirations seeking a reality. It is all about finding your career calling and doing something to help make your mark in your profession. That means, you need to find a reason for why you are attempting to study a masters degree. What is the situation that you hope to learn more about during your course of study? Make sure that this is something that can be done through actual research, which is supplemented by classroom discussions and immersion activities. A goal of study requires a problem statement such as:

Why do SME's fail to succeed in the early 21st century?

That is the title of your paper. Your thesis statement is :

according to world and local practice, almost 70% of new enterprises or small companies tend to be closed in the first three years. If we dig deeper we run into the main reason of this phenomenon, which is the lack financial awareness.

Your methodology for research and expected outcomes are things that you should be able to develop depending upon the direction that you want to take your research into. I have provided you with the small steps to getting your goal of study done properly. Now it is your turn to develop a proper topic title, thesis statement, and other accompanying presentations. I am looking forward to a more proper study goal presentation from you.

Scholarship / My Goal is to become an International Development specialist. KGSP Statement of Purpose [6]

Good work. The goal of study / study plan is presented in a manner that clearly indicates a well developed thought process. The considerations for your study, as you have it presented helps to increase the interest of the reader in your plan. However, you have some questions in the essay that do not have any responses. It sounds like you might be inclined to write policy research papers along with this research topic? Is that so? If not, then you have to clarify that you are not going to be writing policy papers however, you hope that your research can open the discussion towards the possibility of developing appropriate international policies in the UN or somewhere for implementation in relevant areas. You have to be careful about the way that you present questions in your study plan, it tends to make one deviate from the discussion or, as in this case, open the opportunity for 2 case studies instead of only one.

Scholarship / International Development and Cooperation KGSP Letter of Self Introduction [10]

I hope you won't mind but I need you to revise the last paragraph of your essay in order to create a more impressive motivation and reason for your desire to complete a PhD in Korea. You mentioned that Tanzania is a beneficiary country of the KGODA and that there are projects ongoing in your country which are benefiting from this relationship. This should be the focal point of your discussion regarding the reason why you want to study in Korea. Explain what you know of the program and how you hope to be able to participate in this international relationship after you complete your PhD studies. This time, it has to be about more than just learning Hangul and building up your professional and academic resume. This time, your motivation should be to be able to go back and help the refugees or participate in relevant projects that the KGODA supports. Make a reference to the KGODA as something that ties in directly with your goal of study and post study plans in terms of helping the refugees and improving international relations in your country. The KGODA is a relevant and impressive part of your application information. Don't use less of it in the essay, utilize it some more to improve your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Essay - Intercultural Communication. Western culture always tends to be open comparing with Eastern [3]

I know that you only want your grammar checked for this essay but I feel that you need to first address the fact that your essay is too long and does not really get to the point of discussing intercultural communicate in an efficient manner. The content mostly goes around in circles, discussing the same topics over and over before finally getting to the point. The topic of intercultural communication, which comes in paragraph 7 should have been the lead in paragraph for this essay. As an opening statement, it would have immediately brought the attention of the reader to the topic on hand. If you take only relevant paragraphs and form them in the following manner : 7, 1, 8, 4, 3, 5, you end up with a better discussion that does not require too many examples to prove your point. It will also make it much easier for you to spot the grammar mistakes in your essay for correction. I hope that you decide to reformat the paragraph presentations first. After you come up with a more cohesive essay, it will be easier to clean up the grammar mistakes and create a more coherent discussion on your part.

Scholarship / KGSP - letter of self introduction; to attain my goals and to expand my potential in the future. [2]

Amarhyun, please consider discussing the method of education in Korea that you have come too admire through your interactions with other Koreans as a separate paragraph. Do not include it in the discussion about your exposure to the Korean Wave because those are two separate topic discussions. One is social in nature and the other, academic. So these should not be discussed in the same paragraph. The last 3 parts of the essay are too disjointed in presentation for these to be of any assistance in your application. Closing instead with the discussion about Korean educational standards would be the way to go for your essay. Remove those parts so that the essay will close on a more informative, rather than pleading, note. The rest of the essay is well developed and follows the pattern of the expected discussion. The information is relevant and does not leave any uncertainty in your tone of discussion. The work experience provides a good motivation and shows that you are truly thinking about having a beneficial future not only for yourself, but for others as well through your professional work. You have to review the essay for grammatical problems such as misplaced apostrophe's and missing punctuation marks. I won't point those out at this point because you might be able to change the presentation of those problem paragraphs which will of course, fix the previous problems. Just be conscious of those mistakes when you revise your essay.

Scholarship / My Korean Future - KGSP Post Study Plans [2]

Patience, a post study plan does not require a conclusion in the manner that you have presented. There are only a few things that you actually need to present in this essay that could easily cover 3-4 paragraphs. 5 if you really want to be clear about your discussion. The important features of your study plan should be along the following lines:

1. Upon graduation, you will look for a company in Korea that has vested business interests in Nigeria. You will join this company and try to learn as much as you can about the practical side of the government / private sector relationship of Nigeria with Korea. KEPCO seems to be a prominent international partner. So rework those references to instead be the launching pad for your years of work experience in Korea. Aim to work at least 2-3 years in Korea before you mention going back to Nigeria.

2. Building upon what you have learned, you will go back to Nigeria and there, help to launch the school that your friend started as a Korean language teacher. During this time, you will use the connections you made in Korea to help your friend gain a more prominent role as a Nigerian - Korean language school. (Think of how you might be able to do this).

3. After about 5 years, you will do your best to gain employment at the UN in Nigeria where you can put your international relations, masters degree, and linguistic abilities to good use by helping to foster Nigerian relations with other countries.

Those are the most prominent ideas that I can think of which you can discuss as your post study plan, based upon what you currently have written. Play around with the ideas and see if you can come up with a better and more related post study plan in the revised version.

Scholarship / KGSP2017 - Letter of self-introduction - fulfill my dream [5]

Yuuki, the essay is improved. However, there is a lack of professional experience representation on your part. Is this because, as you said in the essay, it was difficult to find a job as an educator? If so, what kind of professional experience have you had in relation or not in relation to your masters degree? PhD students are required to have a number of years working experience in their field of expertise, along with their masters degree completion. It is important that you explain the lack of professional experience in this introduction. That is provided that you do not have any professional experience to speak of. If you did not work for a formal educational institution and instead, practiced your degree as a freelancer or private language tutor, that qualifies as professional experience and should be indicated in this essay. Your essay is actually strong but weakened by the lack of professional experience. That is something that the reviewer will not be willing to overlook in your application so you have to address that issue as soon as you can in this letter.

Graduate / Autobiography for Master of the International Institute of Medical Device Innovation (MDI) [8]

Chuang, you must understand something about these graduate schools, you cannot provide them with essays that are not part of the official application requirements. If you write an autobiography when it is not required by the university, the reviewer will just ignore that essay. All of these graduate schools have a specific set of application essays that you have to submit. Regardless of whether the university or program is new. Each university has its own essay screening process. I suggest that you work within the parameters of the actual application and just offer them English versions of the required essays. You should learn about the actual essay prompts once you have access to the university application system. These will either be written or online submission essays based upon specific information that the reviewer will require for your application. Write only those essays because those will definitely be read or at least scanned by the reviewer because those contain the information for your admission consideration. Just going off and writing your own essay, when you do not know if it will be admissible to the reviewer doesn't make sense and is just a waste of your time. Stick to the required writing instructions only in order to improve your chances of admission.

Scholarship / Living in a more sustainable environment - KGSP scholarship letter of self introduction. [3]

Taiwo, the self introduction that you have written is a bit too long. You need to compress the educational background in the essay. Rather than enumerating all of your college undertakings, you should limit yourself to the most important aspects of your college life. Those eye opening moments that led you to further embrace the career that was forthcoming for your would serve to be the best topics for discussion covering your college years. Pick only one of those because I want you to relate that experience with your college thesis paper. That way, you can roll the conversation into the mandatory one year national service, which will take the place of your professional experience and hopefully, illustrate a clear motivation for your graduate studies. Since you are applying via the university track, you need to revise the paragraph that you wrote about the university. Try to develop a paragraph that best explains why this university can support the kind of idea you have regarding your education in the field of sustainable environment. Be specific about how you hope the university can help you by mentioning the programs they offer which tie in directly with your interests and skills. With regards to the language learning, the discussion you present of it just comes out of the blue. There is no foundation for your statement that can be backed up by a fully developed paragraph. Try to add more information to the paragraph in order to strengthen the discussion about the Hangul learning opportunity being an asset specially in your line of sustainable environment studies. I may be able to better direct some other parts of your essay after you have completed the edits I suggested here. These are just starter edits to get you on the rode towards a proper essay draft.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Other worker's salaries, teacher's salaries and furniture and equipment [6]

To, there are a total of 4 sections in the pie chart. Since you can only present a 5 paragraph essay composed of an introduction, a maximum of 3 bodies of paragraph, and a conclusion, you will have to get creative in the presentation of the information. I suggest that you group the discussion by sets of 3 with the largest indicated figure of the pie chart being discussed as a stand alone paragraph because the largest figures offer the most opportunity for you to present a wider comparison discussion which can help improve your overall score. Again, there are no right or wrong formats for writing these essays. It all depends upon how you analyze the information present and how you wish to inform the reader about it. My suggestions are meant to help you learn how to assess the proper presentation for each prompt you are given.

Undergraduate / Essay for NTU SCHOLARSHIP - A value that I hold strongly to. [3]

Jasmine, while dedication is a value, justice and integrity are belief systems. The essay is asking you to discuss both a value and belief system so you have to use the correct term to describe the word or words in your statement. You can actually just present one of each system in your essay if you want to make sure that you are not making a mistake in your references. In the story about the cheating classmates, you need to further illustrate your point by discussing the results of your report to your teacher. Did it really pay off for you? How did telling on your classmates improve your belief in justice and integrity? Make sure that your stories always have a beginning, middle, and end, with the possible moral lesson attached to your discussion. That sort of presentation will show the reviewer that you truly understand the prompt requirements and that the story you have chosen to share indeed applies to your situation.

Scholarship / KGSP Study Plan - Reducing pollution to make a better future to live in [6]

Ashhar, for this particular study plan, I think you need to develop a focus on only one type of material for the development of the composite material. That is because the range of research you have presented at the moment is too wide and does not necessarily focus on a single product development for a particular purpose. This makes your research methodology questionable and the expected outcome unclear. Remember that these are the most important aspects of your study plan and therefore, should be clarified for the reviewer's consideration. You have to show a deeper importance for this research other than just mentioning the possible industries where the technology may be applied. Expand that paragraph to create a clear representation of the industrial and practical benefits of the material you will be researching. Before I progress any further with my comments on your study plan, I would first like to read how you will revise the content to suit the suggestions I made. From there, we can continue editing the essay until it reaches its final form.

Writing Feedback / Car Ownership increasing big traffic jams [4]

Nur, it is never advisable to include actual information in your opening statement. That part of the essay is merely meant to test your paraphrasing, outlining, and task accuracy skills. Save the actual information for the body of the essay. The more information you present in the actual body, the higher your TA and GRA scores get. Remember that. Also, don't start a formal sentence with the word "Because". The term is always used to connect two ideas in a single sentence. Therefore, using it at the start of a sentence does not make sense because there are no ideas to connect at that point. It would be best to find another way to start your sentence instead. You can say "Therefore" or "Due to..." in place of the word "Because". Your concluding statement was faulty as well since you were just supposed to recap the earlier discussions in the essay. Since that is not what you did, I believe that the score for this essay cannot be higher than 5.

Graduate / Autobiography for Master of the International Institute of Medical Device Innovation (MDI) [8]

Chuang, what are the requisite elements of the autobiography that you are being asked to present? I would like to know if you were given any guide questions to respond to or a prompt instruction to develop in the writing of this autobiography. Your autobiography is very confused at the moment because of the various elements present, which may or may not be necessary information in the essay. It would be in your best interest to give me the writing parameters for your essay so that I can properly review and comment on what you have written. Please make sure that you are being asked to write an autobiography and not a personal statement as the students tend to mix up the two papers, which are not related in content. I will await the instructions from you before I proceed with an actual review of your work.

Writing Feedback / The government should promote the use of renewable energy in electricity generation [3]

Luk, this is a sound summary of your policy paper research. I hope though that this is not the final version of the policy paper that you plan on presenting to your professor. Truth be told, the paper can still use a more in-depth research presentation of the history of the power generation problem in Hong Kong, the previous and current efforts to help resolve the issue, any policy papers that might be pending in the government, and the current status of the power generation plants in the country. The grammar is well developed and helps to deliver your interests as the researcher and policy adviser. I do not doubt that you can come up with more intricate and workable plan which can be turned into a policy proposal for the consideration of the government.

Undergraduate / Help on Common App - My Life Background and Business [2]

Jason, this essay really needs to be toned down from the arrogant and self serving tone that it currently has. Most specially because the actions that you discuss in this essay do not really appropriately represent the requirements of the prompt. There needs to be a stronger tone of humility within the essay. Rather than bragging about the sizeable amount of money that you have and your fixation with video games. The first impression that you make on the reviewer with this essay is critical. It is a character driven essay and by opening your statement in an arrogant sounding manner, you may cement the image that the reviewer may create of you. Try to revise the essay instead. Keep the focus on your realizing that the stock market can help your family and you encouraged them, with own money, to invest in it. However, don't bring in a discussion about the way your friends live, what your video game fixation is like, etc. Instead, focus on the way that your parents are hard working and how your life with them is a bit difficult but that you have always known that you want what is best for your family. Then discuss how you discovered the stock market, but don't focus so much on the video game aspect of the discovery. Move into the discussion as to how you realized that this would be the ticket to you helping your family even though you are not gainfully employed yet. Explain how your parents took to your suggestion and what the outcome of the investment currently is. Then tell the reviewer about how your parents feel at this point in time, knowing that the stock investment is there to support the family. That will be the real transition story here. The fact that you are looking out for your parents future instead of the other way around. Just tone it down and be more conscious of the image you want to portray to reviewer. Don't make any mistakes that might backfire on you.

Writing Feedback / IETLS Writing task 1 - 'Parkway Hotel customer service' pie chart [4]

Vi, when you write the overview statement, do not give any actual figures or information yet. Remember, that portion is only to be used as a method by which you are to paraphrase the prompt and offer an outline of the discussion that is yet to come. Normally, it should cover no more than 3 sentences to be effective. While your second paragraph was informative and really showed that you studied the chart, the third paragraph was too short because it lacked more information coming from the chart. The way that this paragraph could have been lengthened would have been if you did not present the information in the opening statement. That is precisely why the opening statement cannot have actual facts and figures from the provided image. Please avoid doing that next time in order to get a better score. Right now, this essay will probably get a 4 because of the mistakes you made in the presentation of the opening statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING PART 2 ex-criminals are good teacher for teenagers on danger of committing a crime [3]

Li, in this instance, you should not have opened the 3rd paragraph by saying "On the other hand". That phrase indicates that you are changing the stance of your discussion to agree with the opposing side of the argument. That is not the case here. You are merely adding supporting information to your discussion so the proper term to open the paragraph with would have been "Aside from the reasons above..." This indicates a continuing discussion or additional information in support of the same stand in a discussion. This would have been an even stronger essay if you had added one or two more sentences to your opening summary / paraphrased discussion and your concluding statement. While those statements were good, the TA and GRA scores would have increased greatly from the current 5 that this essay garnered with this version.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of elderly aged over 65 in USA, Japan and Sweden from 1940 to 2040 - IELTS [3]

Ainun, there is a point between 2020 and 2040 when the line graph showed an illustrative point. Since you were concentrated only on the figures that were related to the years indicated, you failed to see that there was a possible discussion available for the year between the two. That should have been presented in the essay as well as a possible reference to 2030, the gap point between 2020 and 2040 which would have clearly indicated that you did a deep analysis of the information provided. If the examiner knows the chart very well and he knows of the existence of the midstream information that most students might not see as being there, this will definitely affect your task accuracy score. The effect will be in the form of only mechanical data being presented rather than analytical data. So the score for your essay cannot be higher than a 5.