Scholarship / A LITTLE GIRL WITH A BIG DREAM - Self of Introduction, KGSP 2017 [5]

Elizabeth, while I applaud the openness of your essay and the informative manner that you presented the development of your interest in Architecture, it would be best that you set this essay aside for a personal statement requirement. You see, the KGSP program is very specific in its requirements and not all of the content of your letter is appropriate for it.

For instance, your family background is not inspiring. It is instead, negative and delivers too much personal information that the reviewer doesn't need to know about. Your course of life should be just that, a discussion of how you evolved into the person you are today, without bad mouthing anybody from your past. Koreans have such high regard for their parents and elders that speaking about your mother in this manner could adversely affect your application.

If your mother is independent, then discuss that in greater detail. Explain how her independence is reflected in your own life and how it helped you to create a specific point of view about the abilities of a woman. Relate that point of view to your dreams and wishes for your own life, that is something that you were not really able to touch on because your first paragraph was too short in discussion development.

Your academic discussion is very enlightening. However, it seems to lack a real world application. A service learning program does not take the place of professional workplace experience in that it does not explain the kind of post college training you have received that will help you to better perform as a graduate student. Is there a chance that you can present some sort of professional experience that shows how you perform your duties and how it relates to the masters degree you have chosen to enroll in?

Overall, this is an essay that needs to be further edited for content in order to remove the personal statement feel. However, you need to fill in the blanks first with regard to required information so that a more appropriate content editing procedure can be applied. Hope to help you do that with your next version of this essay.

Graduate / My statement of purpose for MS in electrical engineering (Renewable energy) - UK admission [7]

Sibil, the essay will open on a more solid and related note if you lead in with what is currently your second paragraph. The reasons that it strengthens your presentation is because it presents a solid mindset from an acceptable point in your life in relation to your interests in Electrical Engineering. Now, since that is the main focus of your essay, you should present a paragraph as to why you have chosen to pursue these studies in the UK. It seems that you are applying to a specific university, why haven't you mentioned it in the SOP? Normally, the SOP includes a paragraph regarding your university of choice, why you chose it, and what you hope to learn during your time at the university. Show a familiarity with the "renewable energy" slant of the masters degree program the university offers in relation to your interests and future career growth ideas.

Scholarship / Growing up amazed by the diverse culture difference - Study plan for KGSP 2017 [11]

Lin, you should work on keeping the focus of your research on that alone. Do not use too many unnecessary information in the study plan. the unnecessary information in your current plan is within the first 2 paragraphs of your essay. Since the reviewer will b reviewing hundreds of applications per day, he doesn't have the time to read through your long worded introduction before getting to the point. He needs the topic of your research and the focus of your research upfront instead of down below. So delete the first two paragraphs in order to bring up the actual focus of your research paper. The rest of the study plan is good and informative. You should not change anything else aside from the first two paragraphs. Once you remove the first two paragraphs, the essay will be in its final form, ready for submission.

Graduate / My study plan for KGSP 2017 in MSA /Master in Accountancy/ [2]

Azzaya, do not mention the plan to pass the TOPIK in the study plan. It is already assumed that you will have passed the TOPIK and you are now well on your way to your masters degree course of study. So write this essay from the assumption that you have already passed the TOPIK test and you now have to present your study plan to your thesis adviser.

The first thing that you have to consider for the study plan is the type of research that you want to do. Since you already have a topic in mind for the research, all you have to do now is present that in the form of a thesis statement. Explain why this research is of particular importance to Mongolia, what kind of research is required of this sort of inquiry, and what you expect to resolve at the end of the research.

The study plan is a methodical approach to the style by which you will utilize your time as a student at the university. What sort of self study will you be doing in reference to your masters course? The research will be the result of your self-education. Hence, the "study plan" reference. The research still needs to have a real world application though. Just in case you might be called upon to apply your research results in Korea or in your home country.

Scholarship / Korean games. My self-introduction for KGSP it will make my dream into reality [14]

In reference to your university course, please mention the name of your university and the course that you earned a degree in. This will serve as the cornerstone of your academic background and give more credence to your information about your college learning experiences. That is the only weak part of your academic background presentation. The rest of the discussions are relevant to the prompt requirements and properly delivers the necessary information that will help the reviewer to consider your statement alongside your application documents. I believe that this essay is almost ready for use. You just have to address the lacking information in your academic background as I pointed out earlier. After you do that, I will review the essay one more time in order to determine its readiness for submission. I have a good feeling that the revision I am requesting that you do will be the last revision that needs to be done on this essay.

Graduate / Stable career in Bangladesh. Letter of Motivation for Admission in a masters program [2]

Tabassum, you have confused your personal statement for a letter of motivation. A letter of motivation is just that, a series of paragraphs that discuss the development of your interest in architecture with a specific concentration on architectural education. There are only specific topics to be discussed in a letter of motivation. These topics include:

1. A discussion of your college background in relation to your chosen masters course.
2. A preview of your current experience in this field that has either caught you unaware or has made you realize that there is more to be learned about this topic.

3. What you perceive to be your weakness which has led you to your motivation to enroll in this course.
4. What you hope to achieve by enrolling in the course in terms of academic or practical application.

While you have a very intricate backstory regarding your interest in architecture and urban planning, your letter has a problem when it comes to focusing on the motivation behind your interest in urban planning. The reviewer needs a direct to the point letter that is about a full page long only. Majority of the information that you have in this letter should be set aside for your personal statement and some, for the statement of purpose. I suggest that you revise the letter using the guidelines above so that you can create a more appropriate motivational slant for your letter.

Writing Feedback / It is inevitable for using alternative energy resources to replace fossil fuel exploitation [3]

Nur, I believe that this essay might be able to score a 5 in an actual setting. That is even though your essay is a bit confusing to understand at times and causes the reader some stress. A repeated reading of the material somewhat clarifies the message of your paragraph. The main drawback, or problem of your essay at the moment though, relates to the information that you are providing. You need to remove your reliance on researched information for your essay. Use only commonly known information or examples from your personal experience in order to create valid discussion points. You have to remember that you are not going to be allowed to do any research when you do the actual test. Therefore, writing a practice essay that even cites sources with dates of publication is something that you will not have the opportunity to do in the testing center. The computer systems will be locked to only the local network. So practice writing essays using only available information from your life experiences and current popular knowledge. If you do not practice it that way, you may not be prepared for the actual exam setting when the time comes.

Scholarship / Korean games. My self-introduction for KGSP it will make my dream into reality [14]

Paragraphs 1 and 2 do not need to be fixed so do not touch it. I already told you in the previous thread that those two paragraphs are fine. In paragraph 4, the one above, you have to fix the sentence that starts with "Because". You cannot use the word "Because" to start a sentence because the term is used to connect 2 sentences into one idea. Such as what I did in the previous sentence. You can add this paragraph to the other, already approved paragraphs once you fix the sentence that I pointed out. I need to read the rest of the paragraphs that you are working on before I can tell you if those paragraphs are ready or not. How soon do you think you will get those done? It would be best if you present the remaining paragraphs altogether so that I can tell you if the transition is smooth and clear enough for the reader to understand.

Graduate / SCAD Statement of Purpose for applying to Graduate MA Illustration or MA Graphic Design [2]

Calin, as a masters degree student, the focus of your statement of purpose no longer needs to relate to your earliest art influences or studies related to that. An appropriate statement of purpose for a masters degree student focuses more on highlighting your college background, related training, and professional experience. From what I can see in your essay, you can very well remove paragraphs 2, 3,4, and 5. The removal of these paragraphs will center the essay on the required information and also bring down your word count to a more appropriate level. The reviewer is more interested in how you have developed as an artist until recently, but starting at your development point from college. Which is why I am suggesting the removal of the irrelevant paragraphs. With regards to your last two paragraphs, taken individually, the paragraphs do not carry much of an impact. However, if you combine the two paragraphs into one, you create a very artistic conclusion to your presentation.

Writing Feedback / The line chart compares the data of package delivery distributed by two delivery service companies [2]

Ainun, there are some points in your presentation that could have been improved. For example. you should have led your opening statement with the indication of the name of the two companies that you will be comparing. Placing the information at the end of the paragraph leads the reader to wonder what companies you are talking about when you have already given so much relevant information in the earlier part of the statement.

Then, there were points in the graph where the income of the companies overlapped. There should have been a clear discussion or representation of that overlapping point, accompanied by the figures and year indication because that shows a time when the income of the companies were tied for the same spot. These overlaps happened twice and yet you did not clearly indicate it any of your paragraphs.

Never say "In the first year" when an accurate reference to the year is mentioned in the illustration. In order to best inform your reader, all of your data must be factual, and that includes references to years and any other digits. You this throughout your essay by merely indicating "years" instead of comparative years.

Based upon the given considerations and the mistakes in the information presentation, I think that you will not be able to score higher than a 4 in this test.

Scholarship / Chinese language, research, publications... Study plan for China`s Governmental Scholarship [4]

Dina, when you are asked to write a study plan, this is similar to the presentation of a research paper that you would like to write or have published as the culmination of your academic study in China. This should be the expansion of the motivation that you have for wishing to study in China rather than anywhere else in the world. For this essay, I can see that the topic of your study plan must center around 2 activities.

The first, is the research that you want to do about the history and reason for the low graft and corruption rate in China. Over the time that you are a student, you can do research about this by presenting a proper thesis statement and methodology for your research, with a hypothetical result indicated. The other part of your study plan, will be to develop this research in such a manner that it will pass for publication in international journals. These are the two most impressive study plan that you can present to your reviewer.

Do not add academic information to this essay. The presentation of your information should only cover your desired line of research which will be supported by you academic learning during the 4-7 years that you will be in China.

Writing Feedback / Comparison between average yearly costs on cell phone and landline phone services from 2001 to 2010 [5]

Tu, it is with a very heavy heart that I have to tell you that the only possible score for this essay will be a 3 for a number of reasons. The main problem with the essay is that you misunderstood the graph that you were provided to summarize. The green line, represents the residential phone services whose costs plummeted from the hear 2000 to 2010. The cost of the service in 2000 was at under $700 and ended in 2010 at around $400. While the cellphone coverage increased in costing from $200 to over $700 by 2010. You got the information reversed in your essay and because of that, it appears that you did not understand the graph and therefore, did not accurately summarize it in your report. Aside from that, you also failed to identify the type of chart that you were given to analyze. This chart is known as a Line Graph and should have been identified as part of the summary information in your writing. In addition, you also did not identify the source of the information even though it was clearly stated in the illustration you were provided. So those reasons alone tanked your score.

Scholarship / My love for motion pictures started from a tender age. SOP FOR THE KGSP [9]

Most students do get confused by the directions given because of the way that the form is printed. The answer is in the fine print of the instructions which state that for the two essay responses, you cannot have more than 2 pages. so it is either you write a page and a half for each essay or you write one page per essay. Most of the students opt to write one page per essay prompt. That is because it is impossible to present an accurate study plan, composed of a thesis statement, methodology, and expected outcome in only half a page. As for the post study pan, you need to represent 2 sets of plans in that response. One that indicates your plans upon graduation, during the time when you are required to stay in Korea and work there, and the other, upon your return home when you can share your knowledge with others in a theoretical and practical manner. So it is one page per essay. Print your response to each prompt , per page, and attach it to the document. I hope this ends your confusion.

Scholarship / Answers for four questions. Scholarship Application For Graduate Coursework [2]

Aside from the grammar accuracy problems of your essay related to spelling and punctuation, the essay passes all of the required elements to an impressive degree. Your representation of the response indicates the high level of professionalism that your work requires and also allows the reviewer to get an idea as to how you deal with stressful situation, creating and fostering team spirit, and other subordinate handling requirements. All of which can help to strengthen the idea that you are a mature and responsible person who will know how to handle and balance the demands that taking a masters degree course can take on you. I suggest that you do a final read through of your responses so that you an catch the grammar problems in relation to punctuation, spelling, and sentence development. Once you have corrected those, then you can include this essay with your application packet already.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 : Life now is better today than it was century ago [3]

Wen wen, your score for this essay cannot be higher than a 4 for number of reasons. First of all, while you did write a little over 150 words, all of your paragraphs are under developed and carry confusing statements that cause the reader to not fully understand what you are trying to say. Second, you do not clearly identify that you are agreeing with this statement to a particular degree as the prompt instructions require. Finally, your discussion, though simple, is not properly developed in terms of sentence structure and development. While you did try to use simple sentences, these came across as difficult to read and almost as if you used a translator to write the essay. In fact, you even used the term "translation" in the essay without making any specific reference or explanation as to why you chose that word. It is because of these reasons that your essay cannot pass the test.

Writing Feedback / Education and health care should be financed by authorities - everyone could get free access to it [4]

Nur, while your language development and presentation leaves a lot to be desired, that does not detract from the line of reasoning that you are presenting to the reader. The stress of having to analyze your statements exists, but it does not create too severe a problem for the reader. Therefore, you were somewhat successful in delivering a well developed and discussed essay to the reader. The strengths of your essay lie in your clear understanding of the prompt requirements. Your TA scored highly due to the accuracy of your paraphrased opening statement. The GRA was also given better consideration because of the accurately placed examples that you have in your essay. Writing more than 250 words also benefited the essay because you were able to better explain yourself in the essay. It is my belief that the best score this essay could get in an actual setting could be a maximum of 6.

Scholarship / The economy changes the world. Letter of Introduction - KGSP [5]

There is no need to format this essay as a formal letter unless you want to. While it is termed a "letter" it is still nothing more than an essay that responds to specific prompt requirements. There are no set rules for the formatting of the essay. That is something that is all up to you. Whichever format you feel is most appropriate to use for the essay is the one that you should implement.

As far as the actual essay is concerned, it is acceptable to a certain degree. That is because the "reasons" for your study in Korea is still a missing paragraph in the essay. What you have stated at the moment are the "motivations" behind your desire to study in Korea. The reasons why you decided that Korea would be the best place for you to study is a different discussion that does not share the information as your motivation. Develop the reasons paragraph at the end of the essay in order to create an almost final version of your essay which will just be waiting for final approval.

Scholarship / STUDY PLAN ESSAY TO GAIN CHINESE GOVERNMENT SCHOLARSHIP. [5]

Kwhima, since you are asking for advice regarding your study plan in China, there was no need for you to post your academic background and your reasons to study in China. Those are not required information for a study plan. By the way, I need you clarify if this is a simple "study plan" or a "post stud plan" that you are trying to write. The reason that I am asking is because you titled it a "study plan' but the information contained in the statement is a "post study plan".

A study plan explains your actions regarding research and studies you will be undertaking during your tenure as a masters degree student. A post study plan explains what you plan to do with the information you received as a student in the development of your career. So which one is it? I need to be clear on which type of study plan you are developing so that I can properly review, assess, and advise you regarding your content.

Since you are specifically asking for advice regarding your study plan, I will ignore the other parts that you posted because those are not related to the essay that you asking us to help you develop. What I feel you should know at this point though, is that regardless of whether you are writing a "study plan" or a "post study plan", the statement needs to cover a full page of information, unless a word requirement is indicated for the response. Kindly clarify all of the problems with your essay instructions at the moment so that we can proceed with the analysis of your essay. Clarify:

1. The type of study plan
2. The instructions for its development (regarding word count or page requirement)

Writing Feedback / This essay about bar chart report related to "Average annual GDP growth" [3]

Tan, you could have done a better job of discussing the figures in the graph you were provided. The three bodies should have reflected the figures in comparison for the globalisers, non-globalisers, and wealthy countries. That is because an effective summary essay details the specific figures as supplied in the illustration. By grouping the discussion into the 3 groups as supplied by the chart, a more comprehensive and detailed analysis of the comparisons could have been delivered on your end. Such an action would have increased your TA and GRA score as well. Due to the improvements that could have been done in your essay, I think that this version cannot score higher than a 4. That is regardless of the impressive paraphrased discussion statement that you made in the first paragraph.

Writing Feedback / People have different views on dilemma if people successful in a sport should have higher earnings [6]

Nura, the essay asks you to do 2 specific movements in order to create a valid discussion. Discuss both points of you and then give your own opinion on the matter. In this current essay, you have only one point of view discussed at the start, you immediately move to your personal opinion after that. This particular discussion required 3 body paragraphs before your concluding statement, which by the way, was not developed properly. The 3 missing body discussions are as follows:

1. The opposing side
2. The supporting side
3. Your personal opinion

In any English exam, you can never and should never, pass off your personal opinion as a closing statement. The closing statement needs to only recap the given information and discussion. It is never used to offer a new opinion / personal opinion as the closing statement. That is because the closing statement does not have enough space to properly discuss a new reason before you offer a closing sentence.

Overall Score: 4

Scholarship / Korean games. My self-introduction for KGSP it will make my dream into reality [14]

Do not mention Hanyang University in the third paragraph. The university track discussion should be placed further at the bottom of the page. The topmost paragraphs should be answering the important guide questions first. While that was a mistake that can be corrected, it did not have an adverse effect on your earlier declarations so the first 2 paragraphs developed well in terms of reflecting the instructions I gave you. The first two paragraphs may be left as is for now. I know want you to focus on the professional background. Name the company that you are working for and explain why you believe that the world will need more software developers in the future. That line of reasoning will be the motivating factor behind your desire to enroll in this particular line of masters degree studies.

Graduate / The best curriculum that suits my needs. Need Assistance for KGSP Self Introduction Essay Evaluation [6]

Krishna, this essay is complete and detailed enough to stand as a comprehensive self introduction essay. While it seems to run a bit long, it does fit on a single page and contains only necessary information. It illustrates everything from your family background, to your academic abilities. This is a letter that will definitely help your application. Since this is a university track application and you mentioned the name of a professor whose research interests are similar to yours, you should develop that discussion a little bit more to create some additional reasons for your desire to study in Korea. Take every opportunity that you can to create a stronger academic reason, as well as some social reasons for your desire to be educated there. If you do not wish to develop the university track paragraph, then go ahead and use this essay in its current form. It is ready enough at this point.

Scholarship / Future Plan: KGSP Scholarship, to work and practice my profession in Korea [2]

Jasmine, your post study plan does not seem to indicate a plan for your return to your home country. While you are required to stay for a number of years in Korea after you graduate, you are also expected, no, required, to return to your home country. After a respectable period of time, you are supposed to go back and do the equivalent of knowledge transfer in order to help those in your country to benefit from the overseas training you received. While your decision to stay and work in Korea for a time is a required element of the essay, you must clearly indicate a plan to return to your country of origin and indicate your career plans upon your return as well. So the essay does not need correction at this point, it requires additional information instead.

Scholarship / The KGSP is the only opportunity to reach my target- Self-Introduction [6]

Consider the reasons why you wish to study in Korea on an academic level. Compared with the masters degree offerings in your country's universities, what made you decide that Korean universities will best serve your higher academic purpose? Foregoing the fact that you have a number of friends who study or studied in Korea, who influenced your decision, think about what other reasons you can come up with, if those people and their influence are not considered valid reasons for wanting to study in Korea. You will be left with academic and Korean social reasons. Think along those lines for your motivation to study and the reasons why you wish to study in Korea. What international qualification do you hope to earn after completing your masters degree studies in Korea? Think of reasons that will not relate back to the influence of your friends and their stories. Do some research into the masters degree you wish to take and how Korea excels in that field. That will help you develop a proper motivating factor along with more valid reasons to study in Korea.

Scholarship / "Where there is will, there is a way" - my motto. Self introduction for KGSP [15]

If they worked illegally in Korea but are no longer there, then you can mention that they worked in Korea without going into further details about their employment. It will be safe to discuss it because they are no longer in the country and so their possible status as visitors / residents / employees there will no longer be questioned. However, if they are still in Korea and are still actively working as undocumented workers, then you should not mention the Korea connection because it might have a negative effect on your application or their stay in Korea. The decision when it comes to that will depend upon you. Had I known about the situation of your parents, I would not have made the suggestion. My suggestion was based on the idea that they were in Korea legally. Sorry about that.

Writing Feedback / Briefly describe the work of this (My current job) organisation (max. 250 words) [3]

Diga, if there are English equivalents for the name of your organization, please use them first, with the original name in your native tongue in the parenthesis. That way the reviewer will not get confused immediately upon reading your opening words. I tried to read your essay as it is and I found myself confused because of the non-English description that entered my mind first. it stopped me from reading the rest of your essay. I strongly suggest that you change the wording of the statement to cover the English versions first and foremost. That will also make it easier to describe your work. The reviewer can pretty much imagine what you are trying to say in English but will be at a total loss if you keep referring to the native version of the terms first. The description is fine. We just have to deal with the confusion that the non-English terminology brings in order to make the statement more understandable to the reviewer.

Scholarship / I have a strange, maybe negative feature.. SELF INTRODUCTION for KGSP [9]

The last line in your essay should be removed, It is irrelevant to your earlier statements and does not help to improve the content of your essay. By the way, are you applying for a PhD KGSP or a masters degree? You should make that very clear in your letter of self introduction. Have you already completed your previous masters course or are you looking to continue it in Korea? Another question you have to respond to is "What is your motivation to study the course you are applying to?" It does not have to be related to Korea in response. However, it has to be career connected as a step towards improving your career opportunities in your home country. Try to lessen the academic discussion. Just focus on college and your accomplishments there. High school and grade school are no longer important in this discussion. Specially since you already have a previous masters degree. Highlight that masters course, what you learned from it and how it helped you improve your career. Talk about how your current line of study will relate to your previous courses. Once you do those things, the essay might develop a better, more usable format. At the moment, it is still not at the level of usability that you need it to be at.

Scholarship / A renewable energy - essay for study plan KGSP, department of energy engineering [11]

Excellent work Handayani! This is exactly the kind of goal of study research plan that the reviewer will be interested in reading. Most specially if he somehow shares the same background as you. I believe that you can use this version of the essay now. It has covered all of the required goal of study elements and accurately represents a continuation and updating of the discussion regarding the topic you have chosen. I have reviewed the content yet again for this round of consideration and I believe that you cannot do anything more to improve this essay. You have finally reached the final form that can be submitted with the post study plan. Time to move on now and end this thread. I am looking forward to your post study goals essay.

Scholarship / The KGSP is the only opportunity to reach my target- Self-Introduction [6]

Akhmadjon, I know that you are attempting to write a self introduction letter for the KGSP application. However, you failed to refer to the content requirements of the essay while developing this draft. Due to your failure to consider the actual requirements of the letter of self introduction, you developed an essay that cannot be used for the application because it does not properly deliver the required information. What is the required information you might ask? Well you should inform the reviewer strictly of the following data only:

1. Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
2. Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
3. Your motivations for applying for this program
4. Reason for study in Korea

Your current essay seems to focus mostly on your education background and partially on your course of life. Responding to only 2 of the required information will not create the proper self introduction letter. Focus on outlining your response to each of the requirements before you write your draft. Strengthen your motivation to study in Korea to be more academic instead of social in nature. While the KGSP does look at your familiarity with the Korean culture, it is not the only motivation for your application. Develop a motivation that best combines your academic motivation with your cultural motivation to study in Korea. The reference to learning a new language is good. However, focus on discussing how learning Hangeul will help your career instead of merely mentioning it as one of the 5 languages that you hope to learn during your lifetime.

Create a relationship or progression between your college course, your profession, and your desired masters degree course. Most of your discussion in relation to these parts are quite vague and not really focused on the necessary topic. Properly discuss your professional background in reference to your motivation to study a masters degree. By the way, you need to mention the masters degree course in the essay. You can pick out your reasons for studying in Korea from this existing essay. However, you will need to write a totally new essay instead of a revision. The current essay that you have isn't one that will be considered a proper self introduction letter for the KGSP program.

Scholarship / Study at Women's University choice. Letter of Self Introduction - The Importance of Studying Abroad [3]

Putri, the first two sentences of your opening statement is irrelevant. That paragraph should be all about your course of life / personal background. So the idea about leaving to study does not belong in this paragraph. Instead, merge it with your current second paragraph and add some lines that discusses your mother as well and what influence she has had upon you. Discuss the combined influence of your parents on your mindset and the learning that you have collected over the 20 years that you have spent moving around your home country to create your point of view about life statement. That is missing from this essay and is a part of the letter requirement.

When you discuss your college education, indicate any awards or recognition that you received in support of your claim that you graduated from college with "great results". Such claims require evidence to be presented as part of the supporting statement. In relation to that, please collate all of your part time and full time work experiences into one paragraph or related paragraphs after your college discussion. That is so because you should make it easier for the reviewer to scan the essay for all related topic content based upon the prompt instructions.

Your motivation for studying in Korea is not very clear at the moment. I suggest that you develop a paragraph that will clearly explain that motivation. What I am getting from your essay are the "inspirations" that you get from your exposure to Korean culture and other aspects. Don't confuse "inspiration" with "motivation". The motivation should be the driving force behind your desire to study a particular subject. The reasons, explain why you want to study that subject in Korea.

The essay has hits and misses in terms of discussions. Hopefully my instructions can help you develop a better discussion and representation of your self in the self introductory letter.

Scholarship / My steps for the better education and future. Letter of Self introduction for KGSP 2017 [4]

Nguyen, as a letter of self introduction, this follows more of a personal statement path than the letter that the KGSP requires of its applicants. You are expected to deliver only 4 key points in your essay that should cover one page in length. None of the 4 key points are covered in this essay. These key points are as follows:

1. Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
2. Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
3. Your motivations for applying for this program
4. Reason for study in Korea

There are scattered bits and pieces of the required information strewn throughout your current essay. What you need to do is collate the required information for presentation and discussion development in the manner that satisfies the required data content of a self introduction letter. The topics I indicated above should make it easier for you to revise your essay by taking the applicable parts of your essay, then discussing it in the expected manner. We can review your essay for content and presentation once you have corrected the information it contains.

Please make sure that you have a professional background to speak of. That is one of the most important required elements of the letter because it directly relates the preparations you have undertaken or your preparedness to take on the masters degree course. Since you do not have it, as indicated in this letter, then try to discuss your internship experience in a manner that would allow it to pass as a professional reference of sorts.

If you are applying via university track, please explain why you chose to attend this university in Korea and how it coincides with your ideas for your professional development. Also, explain why you feel that Korean education in this field is what you need when you could study in Melbourne or on your home country as well.

Follow the focus of discussion that the essay list indicates. Remove the feel of the personal statement by indicating the required elements and nothing more. Do not deviate. Just provide the important letter requirements.

Writing Feedback / Every person is different. The happiness depends on people's own. [4]

Reski, this score could get an average score of 5 overall. The score that I assume you could get is based upon the improperly represented paraphrased statement. While the context of your interpretation is sound, you used the word "And" to start a sentence. Since "And" is used as a term to join a group of related words in a sentence, it cannot be used to start a new sentence. The reason behind that is that there are no other words to join at the start of a sentence, therefore the word should not be used in that position in any paragraph. It can only be used in the middle of a sentence. The rest of the essay delivers simple explanations and English sentences that prove your ability to understand and discuss the prompt requirements. However, your grammar accuracy suffered because of the weak sentence development on your part. Hopefully, you will be able to use more proper English grammar and developed sentences to score higher in this aspect with your future essays.

Scholarship / Qualifying to ACCA. A journey to South Korean scholarship program. [2]

Please remove the reference to your religious duties in the essay. That has no bearing on your post study plans as that is a personal responsibility that should not have any effect on the profession that you will be discharging in Korea after your studies. The discussion about your ACCA exam should no longer indicate the time that you will be spending as a masters student because this essay is solely based upon the reflection of your career path after you have completed your studies. Remove all references to the length of time of your study and what you hope to accomplish while studying. You also need to remove the last line in the last paragraph that refers to "I truly believe that by getting Korean Government Scholarship Program..." because that is no longer necessary. This is a statement that is best reflected in your self introduction letter. The remaining parts of the essay are acceptable enough for a post study plan.

Scholarship / I have a strange, maybe negative feature.. SELF INTRODUCTION for KGSP [9]

Your application will be weakened by the fact that you do not have any work experience to speak of. If you can change the paragraph about your internship and strengthen it to include the lessons that you learned from that semi-professional work experience, it should help to create a minor type of work experience for you. While it is not requested for in the prompt, you should explain that your lack of actual work experience comes from you applying for and immediately attending masters classes at (mention university) immediately upon graduation. While the scholarship reviewer may find your essay less impressive due to the lack of experience, you can try to make your internship sound exemplary so that it might cover some of the problems that your lack of experience in the field creates. Again, your essay will be weak and will lack a competitive edge at this point but you can still proceed with your application. Whether it will be considered or not, based upon the provided merits, is all up to the reviewer. It never hurts to tell the truth.

Scholarship / A renewable energy - essay for study plan KGSP, department of energy engineering [11]

You actually have an expected outcome indicated in your final paragraph. I know, you did not expect that you would have actually come up with it because you had written that part before you revised the essay. Somehow, you got lucky because your revised statement fell directly into the path of the expected outcome. I am wondering though, the process that you described, was that all a part of the college paper? If it is, you should shorten that part and instead, explain the possible experiment that you will be conducting as a continuation of your college research. Remember, it is the potential research / methodology that you should be presenting, not the previous experiment. All the information should combine to create the possible outcome that you present in your last paragraph.

If you are combining your research with other research work, then you should mention the other research in the goal of study as the basis for your own research. Mention what you hope to achieve by combining that research with yours. What expected improvements do you hope to achieve? Is there something about the previous research, by someone else, that you hope to disprove with your own experiment? What do you think your experiment will prove in terms of the viability of this process as an alternative energy resources? Your goal of study should usually be based on an original hypothesis or a challenge to the previous and existing research. So this is an acceptable goal of study. You just need to clarify that you will be doing experiments based on 2 types of research and what you think the results of the combined research experiment might be. It is important to mention the other experiment and its author because the reviewer might look up your proposal and discover that you took someone else's work to use with your own. That would be considered plagiarism so you need to tell the reviewer upfront in order to avoid a plagiarism accusation.

Scholarship / The economy changes the world. Letter of Introduction - KGSP [5]

Fashina, you need to work on your opening paragraph and the second paragraph. The information in these two paragraphs should be consolidated into one statement only since these discuss the same topic which is, your family background and the influence your parents, specifically your father, had on you. Review the first 2 paragraphs and take only the most important and relevant content for the new opening statement.

Your paragraph about your mandatory national service, which led to your working in the Economics department should be expanded. Aside from the regular office work, what kind of economic experience did you gain as a worker in the department? Did you get to read economic policies or submit some ideas regarding how to help improve the economic state of your country? Add information about where you are working at the moment and how it relates to your college background as well.

Please double check your grammar use throughout the essay. You have hanging sentences in the first paragraph that make no sense to read, as well as mistakes in capital letter usage in other parts of your essay. Since you have to do some major revisions in your essay, I am just calling your attention to these mistakes so that you will be conscious of it when you revise your current work.

Scholarship / Korean games. My self-introduction for KGSP it will make my dream into reality [14]

Wong, the opening statement of your essay that introduces your course of life, point of view about life, and hopes and dreams for your future needs to be rewritten. I can get somewhat of an understanding of what you want to say in this paragraph. However, it comes across are confusing and definitely unclear at the moment. So do it this way instead for that paragraph.

1. Talk about your mother and what she does / did or a living.
2. Explain how seeing the hard work your mother did for you affected your mindset.
3. Talk about how realizing that you could do more to help your mother instead of just playing video games for fun.
4. Detail when you first made money through the playing of video games. Explain how this made you feel and how it helped you develop a point of view about life and how something done for fun, can also be done to help others.

5. Transition the paragraph into how these experiences helped you realize that you should go into software development for a living, which resulted in the same course that you took in college.

Focus on fixing the first paragraph for now. The other paragraphs need only minimal editing at this point so we can do those portions later.

Writing Feedback / Percentages of mobile phone owners using various mobile phone features [2]

Raimov, your overview summary needs more work. It would have been best if you combined the first paragraph with the second paragraph in order to create a more appropriate summary of the information in the report. While you reported on the figures for 2006 and 2010, you totally forgot to make a representation of the individualized data for the year 2008. That is the information in the middle of the chart, between 2006 and 2010. Without that information, the data you provided is incomplete, inconclusive, and misleading. Due to the grave mistake in your representation of the factual data you were provided to summarize, this essay cannot score higher than a 4. You must make sure to always double check the information in your summary based upon the figures you are provided. If anything is missing, your score will lose points and affect your overall score.

Graduate / Three things others do not know about me [3]

Serik, while these sorts of information is really enlightening, most of this information can be known to people closest to you, except for the diary writing. While you are right that you are expected to write about positive things, the essay has a more casual slant than what you have presented here.

Prompts of this sort usually want to get to know about some unique things that you do during your personal time that is not related to your studies, your ambitions, and your future goals. The idea, is to show the reviewer who you are during your down time or private time. Some examples that you can talk about are things you do which other people will consider eccentric. Say, collecting table napkins with restaurant logos on them. Or having a peculiar habit when eating like turning your plate 3 times before you eat, or anything that shows a unique, fun side to you that would make you an interesting addition to their student roster.

Again, the information that you are presenting is good and can be used as a response to this prompt. I am just suggesting that you go past the academic and show some fun aspects of your personality that have helped to create an interesting personality within you. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then use this essay already. It is perfect for the purpose that you wrote it for, based upon your understanding of the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / "Where there is will, there is a way" - my motto. Self introduction for KGSP [15]

You mentioned that your parents worked in Korea for 10 years. Don't waste the opportunity to increase your motivational statement in terms of why you want to study in Korea. What work did they do there that kept them there that long? What did they tell you about Korea and how their life was there? Would you consider your parents experience and stories about their life in Korea one of the main reasons that you wish to go to Korea to study? That is a very important piece of information that should be expanded a great deal in this essay. It shows a direct Korean connection between you, your parents, and the country you wish to attend masters studies in.

In the paragraph about your professional experience, remove the later part about how you came to discover KGSP and that you always wanted to study abroad, etc. That is already a given since you are applying for this scholarship. The list of required information is not even asking for that. So don't bother with presenting it. That is the most irrelevant portion of the paragraph. Instead, explain what you feel your lacking abilities are in the performance of your work duties and relate that to your desire for a masters education.

If you improve the points I presented above, the self introduction letter should come closer to a final form. It will be a more relevant and improved version. I look forward to reading the revised essay soon.