Writing Feedback / Do traditional skills and way of life die out when a country develops with technology [7]

Nowadays, the boom of technology bestows upon the world a new level of human comfort and the economic development.----I made some small changes here.

Consequently,the maintenance of each nation's character and religion without accumulating innovation will lead to the economic obesity complications and poverty. backwards .

Undoubtfully Surely, this is evidence to support the idea that harmonization of traditions and technological modernization is beneficial.

The preservation of each nation's character depends on its people's way of integration technology into their way of life.

Above, I made a lot of suggestions for you! This was a difficult essay, but you did a good job. Some of this stuff is difficult to explain. Practice typing the sentences in the way I suggested and let me know if you have a question.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays students are using the Internet as a prompt to receive good marks rather [2]

Do not capitalize the first word after a semi-colon.
...; It has it has ...

In addition to offering numerous advantages, the Internet has disadvantages, namely in terms of education.

A current condition has showed shown that the information availability on the Net serves not only as a tool for self-study but also for gaining unfair credits.

For example, a student with no ability or desire to do course work (projects, assignments) can simply download a the required material and present it as if he had done it by himself.

... if there are thousands of them serious action should be taken.

...by putting administering oral examinations.

Therefore, we should elaborate existing bias ??? I don't understand that part.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL 'first instinct'; Are the decisions that people make quickly always wrong? [6]

Let's call it the rushed decision:

The rushed decision may be wrong if it is made when we are in great anger and lose our intellect, or when we are tempted by something.

However, in many cases the decision we make quickly is right. ---I took out a comma.

It is just a decision for a meal, which have has nothing to do with being wrong. The worst case is just the food does not taste good and they will try another restaurant tomorrow. ---Well, I don't know if I agree! When I choose a restaurant, I may decide quickly to indulge in unhealthy food, whereas if I think carefully I may come to my senses and choose healthy food.

In some situations, there is not so much time for us to think twice, because the chance may be lost in any minute when we hesitate. ----Great sentence. this whole paragraph is great!

For example, someone falls into the river and is drowning. In this case, most people would try t o rescue the drowning one without any thought, because our instinct makes us to do that, and we should not have careful thought because the person may drown anytime. --- :-) Great job!

Essays / The problems of survival have never been so great - where do I start? [7]


Okay, Akram, I understand these things that can wipe us out, but what has it got to do with moral degradation?

You have to write about those things that could wipe out humanity OR moral degradation, but if you want to write about both I suppose it had to be from a religious point of view. For example, in some religions homosexuality is associated with moral degradation and elaborate stories are told to explain the existence of human life.

But now... you want to write that the ability of humans to survive is hindered more than ever now in the 21st century? I think that is probably true, mostly because of nuclear weapons. How about searching your school library database for articles about nuclear weapons and other "weapons of mass destruction"... I think that will get you started! :-)

Writing Feedback / I think it is quite normal that the ratio of men to women varies from subject to subject in schools [7]

In order to help you build your argument, I'll challenge you with the counter argument: Girls often prefer certain subjects because of the way society teaches them to view themselves, and if we want true gender equality we need to ensure that both genders are equally represented in the various professional fields, starting now. We should accept equal numbers of males and females so that the next generation can see true gender equality in the modern world.

How would you respond to that argument?

Also, here are some corrections:

It is obvious that males have very different quilities from females, not just in physical attributes, but also mental aspects, including the way of thinking.

Specifically, while men tend to have a better logical mind, the thinking pattern of women is usually more emotional, and females seem to be more thoughtful and careful in comparison with males (CITE THE SOURCE OF INFORMATION).-----When you state a fact like this, cite the research study that provided it.

For example, the subject of Computer Science, which normally asks for an ability of maths, is more suitable for boys. And in fact, few girls are interested in this subject.----Evidence exists to support this assertion, but ... my accountant is a girl, and she is much more qualified than I am to use math and logic! :-)

If a girl chooses a corresponding major in university, she may be confronted with less work opportunities and have to work harder to succeed in this field after graduation.

So it will be wiser to take a major providing yourself with higher probability of getting a dream job and achieve a decent life.

So,overall, I think it is good point to emphasize strive toward gender equality all subjects, but the unequal numbers are a result of students' choices based on the suitability of majors for their gender advantages.

Very nice job!!! You have a great way of explaining things.

Dissertations / How does Six Sigma relate to the Project Management Body of Knowledge? [3]

This is a tough one. I'm not very familiar with Six Sigma, but I know that it is all about standardizing manufacturing procedures to minimize errors. Your job is to read about Six Sigma and read Project Management literature. My job is to tell you about research objectives.

Research studies are supposed to improve practice, answer questions, or solve problems. If you want to look at how Six Sigma relates to project management literature, read some articles about each. Write a paragraph about every point you think is meaningful. Then, ask yourself how Six Sigma fits in the field of project mgt.

It seems difficult, but all you have to do right now is read about project management and write a few paragraphs about every article you find. That is, write about the main idea of each article about project mgt.

Then, when you read about Six Sigma, project mgt will be fresh in your mind.

As for the objectives and questions... when you read articles about project mgt., you should take note of any problems that exist in the field. For that reason, you need to read articles from 2011, 2010, 2009, or 2008 if you can. See what is going on RIGHT NOW in the field. What problems need to be solved? What problems can be solved with Six Sigma.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts - Media and Students paying tuition fee - Introductions and conclusions. [3]

I agree with Alex. Such as is okay... and the examiners should know UK English if they are qualified!

According to a recently conducted research study, mass media such as television and the Internet are believed to have a more remarkable impact on society than the government. In my opinion, due to its speed and popularity that television and the Internet gain a wider affect. However, many statesmen could have enornous influences with their speeches as well. The main idea of this essay is ____________________ (add a thesis statement here).

Conclusion: To sum up, obviously, the media has advantages in influencing the public.

Therefore, authorities could take benefits of public means of communication to stretch their impact. For example, government officials could harness the power of the Internet by blogging.

Nevertheless, it is the responsibility of students to pay part of their university cost.

Conclusions: In conclusion, it is the responsibility of students to pay part of their tuition fee. However, the government could have...

:-) Awesome!! Great job, here... you seem to be very thoughtful when you practice writing.

Writing Feedback / Avia Airlines Argument: Finding the logical fallacy of the memo. [3]

... to be a low rate, but what if...

it is the highest rate when compared with that those of other airlines?

In addition, the overwhelming number of people who do not express their opinions does not necessarily mean that they are satisfied with the service.

Finally, those one percent complainants might spread their feelings or experiences to their friends via mouth, e-mail, or even Facebook! ----Very good point, what a thorough argument you have made!

In conclusion, it is dangerous for Avia Airline to use only one single number to make a decision this is not the problem. The problem is that it is dangerous for them to be complacent when they learn of customer dissatisfaction.

...and pay more attention to those dissatisfied people.

:-) Almost perfect!!

Research Papers / Business intelligence techniques (I have only small data...) [7]

Oh... when you mention BI technique, I think it is what I think of as a research method.

When I have a limited about of data, I use qualitative methods. I don't know what your program's equivalent of qualitative methods might be, but maybe that will help. Quantitative methods require a lot of data, but qualitative methods take a very close look.

The checklist I mentioned can be a theme for the paper but not the actual method. I wonder if you are allowed to use "grounded theory." Anyway, I am afraid I might not have the necessary knowledge to help you, but if you post what you write we will help in whatever way we can!

Writing Feedback / Grammar and sentence structure help for a report 'Strategic Directions for tourism' [4]

Nary is a fast-growing town famous as home of the TV series City Stresses Country Pleasures.

It was a small and...

As well a Additionally, it needs to be prepared for its future for the locals.

Due to the new hospital, the ecosystems will be destroyed and Nary's beautiful scenery will also be destroyed.

You write very well! You write well even for someone who has spoken English since childhood. Really, you should feel confident, because you have a real talent for this. Many people have some grammar problems here and there. We all do. But very few people have an elegent, flowing style like yours.

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Okay, it is all present tense in that quoted sentence (when you are talking to yourself about protecting the goal)
So... do this:
"I won't let it through, whether that means charging at the opponent to grab it or sliding across the grass to reach it - - whatever it takes!" Such is my cast of mind when I play as the goalkeeper-skipper.

:-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Practice] My attempt on Creative Artists [4]

I think the word posed can be omitted.

Also, I think this part will be better with a small change, like this: One of the major concerns against freeing artists' creation is derived from the fear of ...


Good point, Cornelius! I agree with your idea...

Xin, you forgot one apostrophe: be put on artists' work; on the contrary, they should be encouraged to express their innovative ideas. This world needs them to make itself colourful. -----Also, I think the ending will be more poignant as a separate, short sentence as I made it above.

Anyway, this essay is some impressive writing! To perfect your skill, read Strunk and White's Elements of Style. Great, great job.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT- More important to study mathematics or literature? [4]


Very clever, Duminda, I had not thought of that!


Again, very cool... I added a semi-colon, a comma, and I corrected a typo.

Moreover, the study of science and mathematics alone tires the student's mind and they lose their motivation to study such lessons.

Furthermore, they need study some amazing subjects near during these lessons.

Indeed, study of literature and mathematics always is interesting for students and they enjoy from doing that. the time they spend.

All in all, by noticing to my statements I in consideration of the points I mentioned above, I believe that teaching literature and history besides study in mathematics and other sciences should be part of a complete education. Also, they can find a field which is more compatible with their personalities.

:-)

Scholarship / my studies on Mass Communication - HELP A FRIEND APPLY TO A UNIVERSITY [4]

Welcome to EssayForum, friend! Please start a new thread for every question instead of posting in someone else's thread.

What do you mean here? A student of mass communication? Are you talking about modern media, like television and Internet?
I think you might have an easy time if you just think of it this way: "What are my goals, and how can I achieve them by becoming knowledgeable about the Internet?

Start by writing a few sentences about your goals.

Can you tell a little more about what this prompt means? A 'student of mass communication...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Whether to have uniform as the compulsory clothes in the highschool [2]

Thanks, Mahrou, I'll pink up where you left off:

Some may say that requiring everyone to wear the same uniform can avoid students comparing clothes or wealth with others, so that students can focus on their studying. ---Great job here... I just added a few words.

What people should do is teach the students how to deal with it.

Hey, you have very few errors. You write better than many native speakers. So, if you wrote this without help I think you are already ready for the toefl.

My advice, though: have a sentence collection. Memorize about 20 sentences that you can use by replacing a few words so that they are appropriate for any situation.

For example:
Some may say that requiring everyone to wear the same uniform can avoid students comparing clothes or wealth with others.
Some may say that replacing old buildings with new buildings can avoid hazards and improve the atmosphere.
Some may say that letting parents make decisions for children can avoid calamity.

:-)

Graduate / "designer, entrepreneur and activist" I am applying for a Master of design in Europe. [3]

Great essay, great ideas from Lorenzo... it's a high energy essay, the best kind!!

Hmmm... how about we make the dream more specific:
My dream is to _____________ (accomplish what) as an international design entrepreneur. which I envision to accomplish with my education at XXX .
I love design, because it is more than art and it allows me to draw my innate talents. Design requires me to think critically and creatively; it challenges me. Too obvious, maybe you should replace this with a sentence that clearly explains what it is that makes it MORE THAN ART.

As a designer, I venture...

... colleges in India and the United States has the transformed me to believe into someone who believes in the world of opportunities.

Opportunities are everywhere; there are no limits to what I can do, and...

I am sure my life at XXX will open up more opportunities.
My ambition is to travel around the world in search of the next new sustainable materials and generate new thoughts patterns that combine tradition with contemporary style.---Awesome.. excellent.

This one is a winner!

Writing Feedback / Do young people today make good use of their leisure time? [7]

These sentences look pretty good!

I'll make a few changes:

These bring huge benefits for the community. For example, the students in some ...

Taking part in these clubs has positive effects with regard to maintaining health and keeping fitness.

- On the other hand, the young spend too much waste too much time on non-productive activities.

For instance, in Vietnam, the children tend to play computer games at the internet Internet service rooms, especially to...

the: ... and the Disney Channel.
Their funds of free time are is not used effectively because of negative impacts on health. ?? This last part does not make sense.

:-)
Lack of outdoor activities eases their communicative abilities and social relations.

Undergraduate / In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win [5]

Use "a" here:
Currently, however, a huge amount of...

wage and limelight issues have become key factors which influence champions to succeed in competitions.

Consequently, young people are considering sport as a tool to be famous and its main role purpose is being undermined. is disappearing.

I have an impression that the main aim in doing sport activities is to compete with the opponents and achieve a target goal.

Nowadays, however, these believes beliefs have changed significantly and...

I believe that unless celebrities keep on using sport in a true way, not only will the status of sports diminish in the world, but also those champions will...

Nice job! I agree with your argument. :-)

Graduate / I wanted the end product of being a doctor; PS-PUBLIC HEALTH(MASTERS) [2]

I'm going to take out as many words as I can so that this becomes dense and powerful:

I must say that getting a masters degree in Public health was not the first thing on my mind prior to 2009. I think it was around November. As a student, I started out with the hopes and dreams of studying medicine; it was about the prestige that came with being a doctor and because my parents wanted me to.

So I started taking classes towards that goal. I enrolled in a university...

You see, I wanted the end product of being ...

I am the first of 5 children and from there comes come the high expectations and...

The course at that time was about plants and animals that weren`t humans.

...was the 2nd second thing on my mind.

I really wanted to go to Australia, You see, I love exploration, going to new places, meeting new people, I always wanted to get different accents, be versatile. I realized I wouldn`t get into school that year which was 2010 so I decided to register for the NYSC scheme in my country. Let's not include all the details. Focus on what you want the reader to remember.

Then it occurred to me, why don`t I find a school in France. ---Do not take them through your whole thought process.

Less is more. As you revise, take out as much as possible while keeping only what you want the reader to remember. The reader will remember only one idea about you. What do you want that idea to be?

You have a very engaging style!

Graduate / "to give back to the society" Statement of Purpose - Masters in Information System [2]

I think the beginning of the first para is awesome... but it will be great if you can INTRIGUE the reader at the very beginning, before you hit them with all that information. Do that, and all the info you force them to read will make them more invested in you (in a good way).


Do not capitalize high school when you are not actually naming the school.

These sentences below are "fluff" -- things that are obvious and better left out. Let the reader draw the conclusions.



And here is a long part you can cut:

I have indulged in many extracurricular activities in school I have ...

I have done my part by working on a voluntary basis as a teacher and counselor to elementary children in Engineer's Enclave orphanage. ---cool!!

You are great, I'm sure you'll do well. I cut the extra curricular stuff because it is more powerful to be totally focused on the purpose and show them how driven you are. This is good writing!

Writing Feedback / "Is international sport cup is really important to our life?" - IELTS [7]

Let's do this: in our lives

I believe international sport cup is really important in our lives. ---You way was okay, but this might be better.

And in my opinion international sports have more benefits than drawbacks.---This is a sentence you can use a lot when you talk about benefits and drawbacks of various things.

So, this eassy essay describes some of the benefits.

First, when the world do something of countries gather for an international sports cup, each country can enjoy economic benefits.

Kind of countrys advert or some companys advert. ??

Capitalize:
The second thing...

Kind of some stress od sad mood like that. ??

And the last benefit of an international sporting event is to create relationships among the various countries.

Capitalize:
International sports can be build rapport among countries. -----Do not use intimate here. It is often used to refer to sexual intimacy. I think "build rapport" is better here.

:-)

Essays / Atonement: How will I pace out this essay question into reasonable topic sentences [4]

A paragraph topic sentence is a sentence at the beginning of the paragraph that gives the main idea of the paragraph.

You might have one body paragraph that starts with a sentence about how POV is used, and then you might have another para that starts with a sentence about the theme.

Does that help?

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing] about children and television [4]

I'll give a few ideas below:
Television has become standard piece of equipment in modern families, especially as a media for use during leisure time.

However, some parents are concerned about their children exposing themselves excessively to TV, and these parents decide to remove it from their surroundings.

One theory called stimulation hypothesis suggests that TV programs are among the sources from which children gather ideas.

However, if parents make up their minds to do so, they should also...
Great ideas!! :-) You are cool...

Graduate / "supportive Christian environment and my devotion" - Master's Nursing Admission [2]

Brilliant. This is really good writing.
Let me try to help in the spot where I first noticed some room for improvement... here, below, I'll trim some excess words and give a suggestion:

To further gain knowledge in the nursing profession Inspired, I explored the field of nursing by interviewing registered nurses and looked for any opportunity to interact with nurses. I began

Great job... I recommend Jean Watson's theory of care for you... you'll like it!
Also, it would be good to mention that or some other nursing theory(google: "nursing theorists")...choose your favorite, so you can mention it, and the reader will know that you have been really studying this stuff.

:-) You write so well!! I hope you continue to hone your skill.

Writing Feedback / Air travel only benefits the richest people; airplane development - IELTS [2]

Ha ha, hi I'm not Jolin, I like your username.

Hey, I think the plural of aircraft is aircraft. Isn't that strange? Google it to make sure...

But in the beginning, let's just call it "the aircraft" (singular) because it refers to a singular invention:
Almost as soon as the aircraft was invented, people have never...

...it does decrease their cost of air travel for.
For what? for them?
decrease the cost of travel for them.

use ing:
advanced airplane manufacturing technology...

...air travel is no longer the privilege of rich people.

Thus it is unrealistic for them to cheer for the achievement of airline development when it is so disconnected from their lives.

From my own perspectives perspective, it might be...
Great job!!! Please type it again with these corrections. Speak every sentence aloud slowly to help your brain remember the correct grammar. When you type it again, we will look to see where you still have errors. :-)

Undergraduate / "Why I feel ready to return"- A college readmission essay [11]

Looking good, but how about one more sentence, a short sentence, at the end of that first paragraph?

Make it a sentence that captures, at least a little, the spirit/theme of the essay... the main message for the reader to remember.

Undergraduate / "left military service" - Northward Bound- Common Application Transfer [3]

How about adding a short sentence, a short poignant sentence, to the end of para #1... a sentence that punctuates the main idea.


Should force be capitalized?


I think at the end here you have inserted a dependent clause one too many times and should ... omit "I believe." I think "I believe" is always a bad idea in an essay.

Okay... I just want one or two sentences to bring it back to your plan for the future, your career ideas.

:-)

Research Papers / Clarity, Conciseness, Completeness, Correctness Research Topic - what to say, how to express ideas? [7]

Oh.. I see. Here is my idea:

1.) Find 5 books/articles/websites about composition, writing, style, etc. (make sure you find Strunk & White The Elements of Style)
2.) Look through them to find examples of advice about each of the c's.
3.) Write a paragraph about every example of advice that pertains to one of the c's.
****Correctness is sometimes called accuracy.
Soon, you will have several paragraphs for each of the c's.

Go back to the top and write an introduction that expresses a THEME. The theme will be the cool insight you gained from writing those paragraphs.

:-)

Graduate / Graduate Inustrial Engineering Dept. Application Academic, Research and Professional. [5]

Hi Michael, sorry for the delay...

hyphen: one-day ride of 123 miles.


Look at what this sentence tells the reader. It does not convey a useful message. Change this sentence so that it tells the reader what that project reflects about your seriousness and resolve to make a big splash in your chosen field. :-)

You need a strong sentence at the end of this first paragraph, too:
Students in the course where broken up into teams of 5 or 6 and given a company site , assigned the task of analyzing company operations, and implementing modern production planning control, and operations research techniques. (Add a sentence that explains how this related to the SINGLE, BIG IDEA you want to convey.)

The whole application needs a theme. YOU need a theme. Always remember this before you write anything: the reader will only remember one idea, so make it a "catchy," clever idea.

Besides my current programming and systems analysis experience detailed on my resume, I have worked in the applied operations research area earlier in my career.-----All of your writing is very professional, but right here all you are doing is NAMING an area of experience (i.e. applied ops research). When you make the reader read a whole sentence, make it worthwhile. Make it meaningful.

the key to doing that is to know your message. What is the profound message? The single message the reader will remember about you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a five-day long training" - The Biggest Challenge I Have Overcome [4]


The essay is looking good, but this is still not very powerful. It seems like a general, vague thing to say. Can you say something more poignant at the end of the first paragraph?

:-)

Here is another place to fix:
After this lesson, I discovered that it was easy to be successful if I can adapt to different situations and innovate as necessary.

Writing Feedback / SAT Writing Practice: Do we benefit from learning about the flaws of people we admire [4]

Anna, it is so nice that you spent all this time helping here. Some people are real heroes...

What do you think, Rainbow, did that help?


This is the most important part of the essay. Condense the whole essay into a single sentence and put it right here. Do not make the intro paragraph too short. For example:

When we were young, we usually had at least one hero or idol that we respected and admired the most. As we grew up, we learned about the flaws of those people and usually we felt disappointed. However, at that time, we didn't know that learning about the imperfections of those we admire and respect would be beneficial a lot to our lives. We might lose some of our feeling of inspiration when we get disillusioned, but was also gain wisdom because of a "sharper" understanding of human nature. The "sharpness" of our understanding will be the theme for this essay as I argue that ....________ (make the argument).

See what I mean? Make sure that when you write the reader can understand the message after just one paragraph.,

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: mixed nationalities and cultures promote countries develop more quickly [5]


Both are okay. "at" might be a little better.

The correct word is expertise. (no need for "s")
Stimulating can mean interesting.

It is not uncommon for a country to develop missed mixed nationalities and cultures in recent years.
(Practice typing the sentence above a few times to gain a useful grammar-habit.) :-)

People from different countries have their own values. Accordingly, they may not understand others' behaviour, which...

... could be regard as a barrier for communication among various cultures.

If not dealt with appropriately, it may cause ethnic conflicts.

Keep practicing! You have mistakes, but the meaning is very clear!

Book Reports / Mini Love Essay (characters in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe) [7]

Yes, all you have to do is google this: summary, Narnia, the witch, lion and the wardrobe

You will see Sparknotes come up on the top of the list. That is a high quality summary and analysis. It can really help you appreciate the book, too!

:-)

Writing Feedback / About my 1st story book: percy jackson and lighting thief [3]

Nice!! Thanks so much Annika!
Okay, Edward, here is your homework: Type the essay again in the post below when you have time. Speak each sentence aloud after you type it. Type sentences like a meditation.

I like this awesome poetry: "very lazy such like a worm."

:-) Let's keep practicing together!

Poetry / [teenage] wasteland and nihilism - feedback [3]

allure... I think. not a lure. Unless you were using lure in some cool way.

Um... teenage wasteland is a song... so.. it is not a good title. Sorry! :-)
Anna! Great idea! I like the meter with the word cat omitted!

Both are great, second one gets my vote, too... and... change the title so that it is more meaningful! Don't just say nihilism. I think you need a 1 syllable or 2 syllable adjective to describe the noun nihilism.

Scholarship / How can I link my experience as a teacher and an NGO worker to development studies? [6]


Well, your English is not so bad, because you are correct in your interpretation of what I meant.

I think you are going to do very well!

My advice was all about showing them a "picture" of the future. Show the reader what you want to do.

If you run for president, people will only vote for you if you say, "I can use my knowledge as a teacher of English and an NGO to do ______(fill in the blank.)

So, it is the same here. Show the reader that you want to do something specific. When you read about what is going on today in the field of Dev. studies/Int. development -- when you read some great articles about what people in the field are doing -- you will get some ideas about what YOU want to do with your unique skills.

Make yourself useful, ha ha. :-))

Grammar, Usage / How to use a colon in English? [11]


Hi Hang Pham,
The one I like is already mentioned above: Strunk and White. The Elements of Style. (That is the classic about grammar and style.)
You can also search for books by Diana Hacker.
You can also reference the website mentioned above: drgrammar.org/frequently-asked-questions

:-)
Does that answer your question?

Writing Feedback / About my strategy to overcome an obstacle in college or life [2]

Tay, even if you are not sure exactly what you want to do, make a goal right now so you can write about it. My best advice is like this: Near the end of the essay, show WHAT it is that motivates you. It has to be a meaningful goal you want to achieve in one of your careers (you can have more than one career, you know) :-))))

Here is another grammar error:
A creator is what I have become, and I changed my beliefs and behaviors to create the best result possible in my life.

Writing Feedback / The Government Should Provide Healthcare to the Less Fortunate - argumentive essay [2]

Oops... fix this clunky sentence:
The lack of healthcare is one of the greatest social inequities of our social society.

... and the under insurance ?? Americans.

here is a good place to use NUMBER instead of amount: There are many insurance policies that only cover a certain amount number of visits to a doctor or hospital that a person can use.

...could bring a person's finical status down to poverty levels.

Not bad! But I think you could add more solid arguments and do a little more to explain both points of view (i.e. the positive and negative attitudes toward health care reform that occurred under President Obama). For great ideas, google this: United States, Healthcare reform, arguments, debate

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay about a day in the life of a breakdancer or bboy - feedback [2]


Hi Clyde, this sentence is at the end of the first paragraph, and I don't think it is a good way to end the first paragraph. You need to give a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that will punch the reader in the face with the real MESSAGE of your whole essay, the main idea. Can you sum that main idea up in a sentence?

When you use a quote, you don't need THAT:
Jason added that , "As long as it...


This seems to be the main point, but this could be said of any art. I think you can improve the whole essay by adding some sentences to the first and last paragraph to SHARPEN the thesis of the paper. An essay had one big idea, and it must be explained in the intro and conclusion.

:-)